Remorseful WS

[HurtingWS]

A little backstory to my situation.. I am the WS. I have been married for almost 4 years. I cheated on my husband last year. I spent 3 weeks talking to the OM (whom was a childhood BF and my first BF).

 

One night after a nasty argument with my BH, I left to the OM house. I wanted to hurt my BH for all the mean and hurtful things he said and has said in the past. Prior to meeting my husband I was going out on dates and some of them ended with me sleeping with the guys on the first date and to never hear from them after that. I was at a low point in my life at that time after a relationship that i was in ended. Fast forward to meeting my husband, early on in our relationship he asked how many guys i had slept with. And instead of lying i told him the truth.

 

Needless to say that did not go too well and he did not like my answer.

 

After that, our relationship has been filled with constant questioning and accusations. My BH states he should have never gotten with me because he thought i was [promiscuous]. But chose to continue with a relationship with me.

 

My husband can be very verbally abusive and mentally abusive due to his past and upbringing as well as his belief system in certain things. Now i am in no way a saint or saying that i have no role in what has happened. I take full responsibility for what i did and there is no valid or logical reason i can give for what i did.

 

My BH has had to put up with a lot. He had to put up with my ex husband and his nonsense. And all of our court dates for our divorce etc and everything that ensued after. He has had to deal with my 3 children from my previous marriage and all their deficits as well. Which has not been easy.

 

When my BH met me i was working two jobs to support me and the kids due to my ex not doing anything to help us. My BH spent money on us taking us out etc and buying stuff for the kids. Helped me get on the right path and do what i needed to do to become independent of my ex husband and my verbally abusive father.

 

My husband says all i do is complain about everything (especially when something is broken or falling apart) that i am ungrateful for anything and everything he has done. As well as stating that i dont do anything for him nor that i haven't done anything for him in the same capacity that he has for us. Every time he does something, he brings it back up over and over in arguments and fights. And IMO holding it over everyone's head.

 

He calls my children names alot of the time and it hurts me when he does it. He never had any children and wasn't accustomed to being around them. Now that we have a child together, he is seeing what its really like to have one starting from birth. We have a very rough relationship to say the least.

 

I truly dont know what to do for my BH. I am beyond remorseful for what i did. He moved out the same day he found out and that was over a yr ago. Initially he was planning to divorce me but has since decided against saying he loves me and cant live without me. I truly love my husband and cant live without him either. But i also cant live with myself for what i have done and for the pain that i caused him and the children. He says a lot of mean and nasty things to me and this was occurring prior to what i did as well.

 

I dont know what to do anymore. I am depressed and have thought about hurting myself. I truly wish i had someone to speak to. I start IC counseling this week and have only been able to do so due to my job's health ins. Otherwise i would have done that sooner. I also have the probability of having Bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. And i will have that confirmed when i go to the dr this week. My heart and soul are hurting and i dont know what to do. Sorry for the long posting!

Edited April 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and language ~6

[whichwayisup]

Good you're getting help and once you get your health issues under control you and your husband need to really talk about the future of your marriage. It's quite unstable and seems both of you are unhappy and not connecting with one another.

[NTV]

How does your ex husband treat his kids? If he treats his own kids well it might be good to send them there while you sort things out with yourself and your current husband.

 

You are letting a man who is not their father insult them??

[HurtingWS]

My older childrens father passed away 2 years ago.

[GoldenR]

I'm a little confused....was this an EA? You say you spent 3 weeks talking to the OM, and that you went to his house after an argument....did it turn PA at that point?

[Mrs. John Adams]

I too am a fww....

 

I am glad you are in therapy. Have you read the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda Macdonald?

 

Have you seen a lawyer to find out where you stand legally should your husband decide to divorce you?

 

If your husband is an abusive man to you and your children... may I ask you... why would you stay in this relationship?

 

I will also tell you that there will be many here that will read your post and declare you are blame shifting.... because you have in the entire oat explained why you cheated and it is his fault for driving you to it.

 

Your cheating is 100% your choice no matter how awful he was to you.

 

This attitude also indicates that you do not understand remorse. You are sorrow... you feel bad... but remorse is an action

[QuietDan]

It sounds like your husband also needs IC.

[Superchicken]

I will also chime in, and say that the cheating part, was 100% your choice.

 

 

 

 

As for helping you cope, you need to really read from those that have suffered like you.

 

 

I can only comment on the actions on the BH on your kids, in which they played no part in anything you did.

I would speak to you BH, and re iterate that they should not be ill treated.

 

 

Just hang in, and be prepared for more verbal abuse.

It may be degrading, and nasty, but its a reaction, and pressure release for him.

I would hope he still does love you, and I would assume he does, because of his anger.

 

 

Ted.

Edited April 25, 2017 by Superchicken

[KimJ1234]

You don't sound remorseful at all. Your whole post was about about blaming your H for your affair.

Do you understand the meaning of remorse and accountability?

[HurtingWS]

I dont believe how any part of what I wrote was blame shifting. Nor do i think that anyone saw where I stated that this was entirely my fault. What I was trying to do was place a perspective of all that has transpired throughout our marriage/relationship. So that I could get another POV so that I can help not only my husband but myself as well. I have spent much of the last year beating myself up for what I did. And doing what I can for my BH to heal. The one that isnt healing is me. Because I dont know how to forgive myself for what I did. And I take his abusive tendancies as punishment for what i did. I do believe however that there comes a point where that kind of behavior isnt acceptable for someone to be treated. Where do I place the line? His anger and pain is understandable but being abusive i dont think is warranted even though I take it as it comes. When does it become ok for me to become ok? I am stuck in hole that i cannot seem to get out of. And i dont know what to do.....

[wmacbride]

A little backstory to my situation.. I am the WS. I have been married for almost 4 years. I cheated on my husband last year. I spent 3 weeks talking to the OM (whom was a childhood BF and my first BF).

 

One night after a nasty argument with my BH, I left to the OM house. I wanted to hurt my BH for all the mean and hurtful things he said and has said in the past. Prior to meeting my husband I was going out on dates and some of them ended with me sleeping with the guys on the first date and to never hear from them after that. I was at a low point in my life at that time after a relationship that i was in ended. Fast forward to meeting my husband, early on in our relationship he asked how many guys i had slept with. And instead of lying i told him the truth.

 

Needless to say that did not go too well and he did not like my answer.

 

After that, our relationship has been filled with constant questioning and accusations. My BH states he should have never gotten with me because he thought i was [promiscuous]. But chose to continue with a relationship with me.

 

My husband can be very verbally abusive and mentally abusive due to his past and upbringing as well as his belief system in certain things. Now i am in no way a saint or saying that i have no role in what has happened. I take full responsibility for what i did and there is no valid or logical reason i can give for what i did.

 

My BH has had to put up with a lot. He had to put up with my ex husband and his nonsense. And all of our court dates for our divorce etc and everything that ensued after. He has had to deal with my 3 children from my previous marriage and all their deficits as well. Which has not been easy.

 

When my BH met me i was working two jobs to support me and the kids due to my ex not doing anything to help us. My BH spent money on us taking us out etc and buying stuff for the kids. Helped me get on the right path and do what i needed to do to become independent of my ex husband and my verbally abusive father.

 

My husband says all i do is complain about everything (especially when something is broken or falling apart) that i am ungrateful for anything and everything he has done. As well as stating that i dont do anything for him nor that i haven't done anything for him in the same capacity that he has for us. Every time he does something, he brings it back up over and over in arguments and fights. And IMO holding it over everyone's head.

 

He calls my children names alot of the time and it hurts me when he does it. He never had any children and wasn't accustomed to being around them. Now that we have a child together, he is seeing what its really like to have one starting from birth. We have a very rough relationship to say the least.

 

I truly dont know what to do for my BH. I am beyond remorseful for what i did. He moved out the same day he found out and that was over a yr ago. Initially he was planning to divorce me but has since decided against saying he loves me and cant live without me. I truly love my husband and cant live without him either. But i also cant live with myself for what i have done and for the pain that i caused him and the children. He says a lot of mean and nasty things to me and this was occurring prior to what i did as well.

 

I dont know what to do anymore. I am depressed and have thought about hurting myself. I truly wish i had someone to speak to. I start IC counseling this week and have only been able to do so due to my job's health ins. Otherwise i would have done that sooner. I also have the probability of having Bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. And i will have that confirmed when i go to the dr this week. My heart and soul are hurting and i dont know what to do. Sorry for the long posting!

 

I am in no way supporting your affair, but self flagellation about it won't help you.

 

In your shoes, if reconciliation is what you want, ask your bh what he needs from you.Is that something you feel you can give?

[HurtingWS]

Yes, reconciliation is something we BOTH want. In fact we are supposed to be moving back in together at the end of this week. I am just trying to find avenues that can help me so that I can be the safe, healing wife my BH needs. Also, my intention of explaining everything from the beginning was so that anyone who reads it will know more about me and my BH. And see if they can offer constructive advice of how to handle a man like my husband. I came here because i have no where else to turn..

[KimJ1234]

I dont believe how any part of what I wrote was blame shifting. Nor do i think that anyone saw where I stated that this was entirely my fault. What I was trying to do was place a perspective of all that has transpired throughout our marriage/relationship. So that I could get another POV so that I can help not only my husband but myself as well. I have spent much of the last year beating myself up for what I did. And doing what I can for my BH to heal. The one that isnt healing is me. Because I dont know how to forgive myself for what I did. And I take his abusive tendancies as punishment for what i did. I do believe however that there comes a point where that kind of behavior isnt acceptable for someone to be treated. Where do I place the line? His anger and pain is understandable but being abusive i dont think is warranted even though I take it as it comes. When does it become ok for me to become ok? I am stuck in hole that i cannot seem to get out of. And i dont know what to do.....

 

We'll here's a quote that looks like blame shifting:

 

" I wanted to hurt my BH for all the mean and hurtful things he said"

 

If you didn't like the way he treated you then work on the issues or leave. Having an affair is not a fix. Now he feels angry and hurt, and is justified in feeling this way.

 

You can tell him that forgiveness does not mean you can bring up your mistakes at times that are convenient for him.

 

There's many times I wanted to hurt my H and bring up his past mistakes during a fight but I chose to forgive. And that means to stop using it as ammo.

[Chica80]

A little backstory to my situation.. I am the WS. I have been married for almost 4 years. I cheated on my husband last year. I spent 3 weeks talking to the OM (whom was a childhood BF and my first BF).

 

One night after a nasty argument with my BH, I left to the OM house. I wanted to hurt my BH for all the mean and hurtful things he said and has said in the past. Prior to meeting my husband I was going out on dates and some of them ended with me sleeping with the guys on the first date and to never hear from them after that. I was at a low point in my life at that time after a relationship that i was in ended. Fast forward to meeting my husband, early on in our relationship he asked how many guys i had slept with. And instead of lying i told him the truth.

 

Needless to say that did not go too well and he did not like my answer.

 

After that, our relationship has been filled with constant questioning and accusations. My BH states he should have never gotten with me because he thought i was [promiscuous]. But chose to continue with a relationship with me. He CHOSE to marry you after knowing this, so why is he holding that against you. That was the past. If he had a problem with it he shouldn't have married you. Not use it to beat you over the head

 

My husband can be very verbally abusive and mentally abusive due to his past and upbringing as well as his belief system in certain things. Now i am in no way a saint or saying that i have no role in what has happened. I take full responsibility for what i did and there is no valid or logical reason i can give for what i did. I don't care what you did this is not ok

 

My BH has had to put up with a lot. He had to put up with my ex husband and his nonsense. And all of our court dates for our divorce etc and everything that ensued after. He has had to deal with my 3 children from my previous marriage and all their deficits as well. Which has not been easy. THIS is a bunch of bull**** He chose to have a relationship with you therefore taking on your past your kids your ex......He is not a KISA.

 

When my BH met me i was working two jobs to support me and the kids due to my ex not doing anything to help us. My BH spent money on us taking us out etc and buying stuff for the kids. Helped me get on the right path and do what i needed to do to become independent of my ex husband and my verbally abusive father.

 

My husband says all i do is complain about everything (especially when something is broken or falling apart) that i am ungrateful for anything and everything he has done. As well as stating that i dont do anything for him nor that i haven't done anything for him in the same capacity that he has for us. Every time he does something, he brings it back up over and over in arguments and fights. And IMO holding it over everyone's head.

 

He calls my children names alot of the time and it hurts me when he does it. He never had any children and wasn't accustomed to being around them. Now that we have a child together, he is seeing what its really like to have one starting from birth. We have a very rough relationship to say the least.Why do you allow him to treat your children this way. YOU are supposed to protect them

 

I truly dont know what to do for my BH. I am beyond remorseful for what i did. He moved out the same day he found out and that was over a yr ago. Initially he was planning to divorce me but has since decided against saying he loves me and cant live without me. I truly love my husband and cant live without him either. But i also cant live with myself for what i have done and for the pain that i caused him and the children. He says a lot of mean and nasty things to me and this was occurring prior to what i did as well.

 

I dont know what to do anymore. I am depressed and have thought about hurting myself. I truly wish i had someone to speak to. I start IC counseling this week and have only been able to do so due to my job's health ins. Otherwise i would have done that sooner. I also have the probability of having Bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. And i will have that confirmed when i go to the dr this week. My heart and soul are hurting and i dont know what to do. Sorry for the long posting!

 

 

Get OUT!!!! You went from one abusive man, Your father, to your ex, to now your husband.

I am in no way condoning your A. Or saying it is ok, not at all.

 

But none of this none of his behaviors or actions are merited. This didn't start because you had an A. He was like this. You thought he was going to come rescue you because he "put up with a lot" because he bought things for you and your children. He is not going to save you. He is only inflicting and re opening wounds you already had.

 

You need to get away from him. If not for your sake for your children's sake.

[Cephalopod]

Yes, reconciliation is something we BOTH want. .

 

Why?

 

Why would you want to reconcile with a verbal/psych abuser? Why would you want to embrace such a life? What positives does this man bring to your life?

 

Don't just give us the pat answers (good provider, hard worker, blah blah blah....). If what you tell us is true, this guy has been an a-hole to you most of your marriage. Why do you think he has any incentive to change?

 

Let me tell you about a-holes. I have several in my family. Family of origin, upbringing, childhood abuse and all that mess does not necessarily an a-hole make. Most a-holes are born a-holes and they never change. My dad is one of those. From everything my aunts and uncles have told me, he was born mean and nasty from the get-go. He's treated people like crap all his life and he has never once felt the need to change. He truly thinks that the world is wrong and he is right and that is all there is to it. He's wired this way and there is no amount of therapy that will un-wire it.

 

I love my dad, but I cannot be around him for more than five minutes before I want to grab a gun. Is your husband like this? If so, why the need to subject yourself to it?

 

And please don't tell us he was abused and grew up with overly-strict religious parents and all that clap-trap and ad-infinitum. No one cares. There are thousands of people out there who were horribly abused as kids and yet have grown up to be decent likable people who don't abuse.

 

And now that you have ceded the moral high-ground to him with your affair, he has double the reasons not to ever change. In his mind he has the right to call you a whore every day of the rest of your life.

Edited April 25, 2017 by Cephalopod

[Jersey born raised]

Here are two threads you should read carefully as they are good standards

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/576217-there-responsibilities-bs-reconciliation. Here is the opening post:

 

 

I have been thinking, that while one can never forget what was done, and should not, the affair, the cheating, and the lying, that once you have made the decision to reconcile, you then must, take divorce, and other negative positions off the table if reconciliation is to really work. The BS has work to do as well as the WS. Not only must the cheating be addressed, but any other problems in the marriage must be worked on as well.

 

We all know what the WS must and has to do for a "good" reconciliation, but, and this maybe harder, there are things a BS must do as well. Remember, as a BS, you have decided that life is better, even living with the betrayal, with your spouse.

 

What must a BS do to make the reconciliation work? My thoughts.

 

1) Forgive, and not hold over the WS their action, unless by their present actions, their past must be readdressed. IE, I do not bring up my wife past ONS, and over spending, unless it is germane to the conversation or situation.

 

2) Really decide if you are going to reconcile and give it 100%. Once your "gift" is given you should be prepared for all the hard work that it implies.

 

3) Accept when and if the WS is working and changing, and while verifying, give them benefit of the doubt when warranted.

 

4) Approach the marriage as equals on issues and problems that are not from the affair. In other words, at some point, future problems must be dealt with and the high ground will need to be abandoned.

 

 

This is assuming, and this can be a big assumption, that the WS is a former WS, and is doing everything that is asked for and accepted to reconcile. In other words, a false reconciliation is not happening. Example: Mrs. JA, and there are others, VBM wife, Anne was doing everything she could to walk the straight and narrow.

 

For those that advise divorce, and only divorce, I would ask that you widen your position, and give some thought to what you may think is necessary for a BS to have a good reconciliation.

 

My two cents, and lets hope for a good conversation...........

[Jersey born raised]

Here is the second and it is for you: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know. The opening thread is lengthy so I will not paste it. Please read

[HurtingWS]

Thank you jerseybornraised for your links. I believe i had already read your second reply. I have read how to help your spouse heal after an affair. I am working on Not just friends too. I will look into the first link you sent!

[deadsoul]

I think the biggest red flag that jumped out at me was that he calls your kids names. That's just not okay.

 

You don't deserve the mental and verbal abuse. Yes, you have made some bad choices, but that does not give him the right to berate you and call you names.

 

Personally, based on what you wrote, I think R is a bad idea at this point. He has anger issues and you have self-esteem issues. You both have work to do... is there a way to delay him moving back in for awhile?

 

Good luck, OP. I just could not stay with a man who did not treat my kids with love and respect. Or if he did not treat me with love and respect (however, as I am a wayward, I did not treat my BH with love and respect based on my actions, so I have my own work to do).

[Heathen]

I do believe however that there comes a point where that kind of behavior isnt acceptable for someone to be treated. Where do I place the line? His anger and pain is understandable but being abusive i dont think is warranted even though I take it as it comes. When does it become ok for me to become ok? I am stuck in hole that i cannot seem to get out of. And i dont know what to do.....

 

If you are considering moving back in together, the time for that kind of abusive behavior to end and for you to start "becoming ok", is now.

 

If now is not the time, then why move back in together? For more of the same?

 

He is your Husband and you will probably give R a shot , I would suggest you immediately demand that he correct his behavior towards your children. Demand that he start with a sincere apology to your children, and institute some hard boundaries as to what constitutes proper child rearing.

 

You failed to protect your children in the past. If you cannot protect your children from any kind of abuse in the future, you are derelict of your duties and should not consider the move.

 

You can not demand forgiveness, but you can demand decency. Abuse and second chances do not go together. Write down your demands and give it to him. Not to read, but to understand.

 

Prayers for your family

[mikeylo]

While you are remorseful, at the same time , in the hindsight, you are trying to justify your affair. Him calling your kids names. Where were you ? Him fighting with you. You go did cheat. You see, you need relationship and parenting skills.

 

All BS spouses deal in there on way.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Until any mental health issues have been addressed it would be darn near impossible to give proper advice to you.

 

Bi-polar/personality disorder are pretty heavy hitters when it comes to mismanagement of ones life.

 

Both are wrought with not seeing the world/others/actions the same as the average person would view/percieve them.

 

Work with the professionals first and foremost. You need to get this huge piece of the pie identified/managed before you can address anything else.

[HurtingWS]

Thank you everyone for the advice. Some of it however hard to hear is sincerely appreciated.

I choose not to bring up past mistakes he has made or things he said/done. I did that in my first marriage due to him being an addict of both alcohol and drugs. And it did nothing to fix the situation. However when I do bring up stuff that bothers me or that hurts me, IMO its dismissed. There is a lot for us both to work on. Myself first and foremost. If in reconciling we discover that this is not going to work, at least I can say I tried to correct my mistake and fix us as a whole. I am hoping that with counseling on both our ends that he can see where is falling short on his end and I can work on where i fall short on my end. I have been anxious to get to the dr and speak with someone and finally understand what is wrong with me mentally. And get the help I need to overcome all the emotional and mental obstacles i have been facing for quite some time.

Again, please dont read my thread and assume that i am blame shifting. Because I am not. I CHOSE TO CHEAT. I CHOSE TO STEP OUT on my marriage and my family. The reasons I had for doing them are not justified. All waywards have their reasons and they are never justified. Please dont crucify me for mine. This is something that will never happen again. In this marriage or any other relationship I may have should we decide in the end to not be together. I am just looking for solid, experience based opinions on how to work through this from others who have been in the same place.

[harrybrown]

Did you write a timeline of your A for your H?

 

Have you stopped all contact with the OM?

 

Hope you can both go to counseling. Yes he is angry, but have him go to the gym and punch a punching bag.

 

Think how you would feel if he had an A? would that bother you?

 

think of what you would want him to do and do that.

 

Good luck to you and your family, hope the kids get some help too.

 

maybe someone at school is a counselor?

[Mr. Lucky]

I truly love my husband and cant live without him either.

 

Uhh...why?

 

He sounds beyond passive/aggressive, abusive to you and your children and more than a little manipulative. It seems to me you're trying to balance some set of karmic scales and atone for your affair by reconciling with him, deserved or not.

 

Cheating was obviously the wrong response. Unfortunately, so is moving back in with him...

 

Mr. Lucky