Jemima1234 Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 Ok my back story is a mess. I just read it myself and realised that! How do I move on tho?? Affair is over, trying to break this ridiculous cycle!! But how do you move on when you truly love someone and part of you doesn't want to move on?? But no choice because he does!!! I don't want to feel like this- I want to want to move on completely. But it's so hard Link to post Share on other sites
HeCantBreakMe Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 Ok my back story is a mess. I just read it myself and realised that! How do I move on tho?? Affair is over, trying to break this ridiculous cycle!! But how do you move on when you truly love someone and part of you doesn't want to move on?? But no choice because he does!!! I don't want to feel like this- I want to want to move on completely. But it's so hard Jemima, you contradict yourself in your post and i think you may be doing it in your own head. You asked how you move when you love someone and a part of you doesn't want to move on, then you said you want to move on completely. I think you are still holding onto something and until you figure out what you will never get anywhere. Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysTheLastToKnow Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 I feel where your coming from. Kinda in the same boat. First, there has to be complete honesty on both sides. I told my husband i love him but part of me doesn't want to be with him. Can't help if it hurt his feelings, but i was honest. Point being, be honest even if it may hurt your husbands feelings. I think its easier to get over an honest answer that hurt my feelings rather than be lied to and find the truth later down the road. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clockwatching Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 Ok my back story is a mess. I just read it myself and realised that! How do I move on tho?? Affair is over, trying to break this ridiculous cycle!! But how do you move on when you truly love someone and part of you doesn't want to move on?? But no choice because he does!!! I don't want to feel like this- I want to want to move on completely. But it's so hard Hi Jemima, I feel for you and remember that feeling well, affairs are conflicted with knowing it's no good for you but a part of you not wanting to move on from it - it's a weird kind of cognitive dissonance that can be torturous. The first tip I would give you is being ok with not being ok, so often when we try and fix ourselves to make ourselves better we're telling ourselves that we are not 'ok', rejecting emotions and aspects of ourselves which are really in a lot of pain and the more they will come to the forefront the more you ignore them because they need your attention. When you feel that pain, allow it to be there - acknowledge it and give it any comfort and expression that you can, whether that's crying, shouting, writing, painting, doing sport - anything that gives you a sense of relief. If you're unsure what that is ask your emotion what it would take for you to feel relief and if you listen close enough it will tell you. For the moment I would say your first step is to focus on feeling ok with how you feel - find approval for it. Finding approval could mean things like remembering: part of me still wants to continue because I still care about him/love him, which speaks to my capacity to care so much about someone else - love is never a bad thing to feel. Part of me still wants to be with him because of the emotional intimacy and mutual sharing that we experienced and a part of me still wants that in my life. Part of me doesn't want to move on because I'm hurting, and I want to heal my hurt and understand myself so that I can improve the life of myself and my family. You get the picture - you've already had enough shame in your life, and your emotions are nothing to be ashamed of - you just need to give them attention - this should give you room to breathe and help to stop the cycle of self hate. The way I move through this is by finding out what it is that you felt with this person - this is your indication of what it is that you're missing in order to be happy, and why you got involved in the first place and essentially, it will give you the keys to bringing things into your life that you were missing that led you to having an affair and help you to heal. How did you feel when you were with him? Did you feel a sense of connection, love, attention, excitement, importance? Try and drill down into what aspects of your relationship mattered to you the most. Long term look towards things that incorporate those aspects into your life, this will give you more balance and allow you to express those parts of yourself that have been neglected in the past. I hope that's helped a bit - take it one step at a time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chica80 Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 I think you move on when you realize what you value most. If you value "love" and to be "loved" then you will always be chasing that. You will always be reaching for something that is unobtainable because it doesn't come from external sources. If you value: peace, honesty, truth then your actions will reflect that. Affairs are very very painful. So why do we do it? Because somehow we value pain chaos more than something else. For me what has helped is imagining what do I want for myself, for my future for my kids......so take the steps to move in that direction. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jemima1234 Posted April 25, 2017 Author Share Posted April 25, 2017 Jemima, you contradict yourself in your post and i think you may be doing it in your own head. You asked how you move when you love someone and a part of you doesn't want to move on, then you said you want to move on completely. I think you are still holding onto something and until you figure out what you will never get anywhere. I WANT to WANT to move on!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jemima1234 Posted April 25, 2017 Author Share Posted April 25, 2017 Hi Jemima, I feel for you and remember that feeling well, affairs are conflicted with knowing it's no good for you but a part of you not wanting to move on from it - it's a weird kind of cognitive dissonance that can be torturous. The first tip I would give you is being ok with not being ok, so often when we try and fix ourselves to make ourselves better we're telling ourselves that we are not 'ok', rejecting emotions and aspects of ourselves which are really in a lot of pain and the more they will come to the forefront the more you ignore them because they need your attention. When you feel that pain, allow it to be there - acknowledge it and give it any comfort and expression that you can, whether that's crying, shouting, writing, painting, doing sport - anything that gives you a sense of relief. If you're unsure what that is ask your emotion what it would take for you to feel relief and if you listen close enough it will tell you. For the moment I would say your first step is to focus on feeling ok with how you feel - find approval for it. Finding approval could mean things like remembering: part of me still wants to continue because I still care about him/love him, which speaks to my capacity to care so much about someone else - love is never a bad thing to feel. Part of me still wants to be with him because of the emotional intimacy and mutual sharing that we experienced and a part of me still wants that in my life. Part of me doesn't want to move on because I'm hurting, and I want to heal my hurt and understand myself so that I can improve the life of myself and my family. You get the picture - you've already had enough shame in your life, and your emotions are nothing to be ashamed of - you just need to give them attention - this should give you room to breathe and help to stop the cycle of self hate. The way I move through this is by finding out what it is that you felt with this person - this is your indication of what it is that you're missing in order to be happy, and why you got involved in the first place and essentially, it will give you the keys to bringing things into your life that you were missing that led you to having an affair and help you to heal. How did you feel when you were with him? Did you feel a sense of connection, love, attention, excitement, importance? Try and drill down into what aspects of your relationship mattered to you the most. Long term look towards things that incorporate those aspects into your life, this will give you more balance and allow you to express those parts of yourself that have been neglected in the past. I hope that's helped a bit - take it one step at a time. I love this - thank you so much for sharing - so so helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 Ok my back story is a mess. I just read it myself and realised that! How do I move on tho?? Affair is over, trying to break this ridiculous cycle!! But how do you move on when you truly love someone and part of you doesn't want to move on?? But no choice because he does!!! I don't want to feel like this- I want to want to move on completely. But it's so hard As long a part of you doesn't want to move on, you won't. You'll be missing him, loving him, wanting him and that will keep you in that particular mindset preventing you from really letting go and grieving. You have to make a decision that it's over and you're DONE. And if you can't do this on your own, then seek counseling to help you process everything so you can get to the point of letting go and really grieving the loss. Try focusing on the fact that he doesn't want you anymore, he's moved on. GET MAD about that and tell yourself that he's just not worth it! Link to post Share on other sites
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