An update - Affair with married boss

[painfulregrets]

I never thought this would happen to me, and it is the most painful event which I am still struggling with right now..

 

About 2 years ago, I started working closely with a very wealthy boss who is 20 plus years my senior, following him on work trips, expensive business dinners, and handling every aspect of his personal and work life. He was a workaholic and so was I, working past 8pm on most days and I was handling multiple roles in the office. This job paid me incredibly well, my boss liked me a lot, it was obvious in the office he treated me well bringing me everywhere he goes, even colleagues would try to gain my favour. I was rewarded me with luxurious gifts. At the same time, he was texting me everyday, initially work matters and then personal chit chat. I could tell he was interested but I treated him with respect and professionalism, never crossing the line. This went on for 1 plus years where it was strictly work, although we got closer over time. During the later part of this period, there were times he would hug me for no reason, it was awkward at first but I did not speak up, and I slowly got used to it. On 2 occasions, he asked me why did I not accept him? I told him coz you are my boss and you are married, and rejected his advances for 1 plus years.

 

How the affair started

During a work trip, I had breakfast with him in a hotel room and he suddenly leaned over to french kiss me. I was shocked and did not know how to react. He later gave me money before I headed to the airport. During that period of time, I realised that I had slowly fallen for him. There was many qualities in him that attracted me - his ambition, hard work and determination, his love and affection for his children, a responsible family man with a successful career. There was no day that went by without a single text message from him, asking how I was doing etc, even when he was on overseas trip alone. Very slowly, he grew on me.

 

We started movie dates, personal dinners, where he related to me that he has everything in life - except for love. His wife married him only for money, for a tai tai lifestyle with priorities on her instagram account, material goods, instead of taking care of children. He is both a father and mother as his wife literally did nothing. It was then when I understood why I had to help him take care of family matters like renovation, maid, children's school events as his wife was not interested in these. She spend her time taking instagram photos of herself, her lifestyle.. I felt sorry and understood why he, a hardworking and responsible man, eventually strayed. During that month, I flew overseas to join him on a trip, and he started making out with me in the hotel room. I begged him to stop, saying that we are making a mistake, but he pleaded with me. I was in tears and resisted, begging him to stop. He didn't and I finally gave in as I knew deep inside, I do feel for him very much. This is how we began this affair for around 6 months.

 

During these 6 months I was confused.. It was a mix of roller coaster emotions running high and low - was I attracted to his status, power, wealth, character? Was it curiosity because he was so much older? Our sex was incredible each and every time... I am a soft spoken girl, from a single parent family and the money would help my mum a lot. I love him deeply by now.. it was difficult for me everytime after sex, he would return home to his wife and kids, bringing them on family vacations, spending festive seasons with them, I slowly experienced all these emotions as 'the other woman'. I started falling into depression, waiting for him...

 

He has asked me to bear a child for him (on impulse), but he later changed his mind. I asked him what he wants out of this relationship and he said 'nothing'. It was then I decided to leave - this would mean losing my income at the same time. And during this period of time, I had protected his career by hiring another staff to start taking over my work (in case our relationship fell apart, his career would not be affected as I was holding too much power in the office handling many things). I protected him out of love. At the time I made a decision to leave, I also found out that I had contracted an STD from him. It is an incurable STD that would stay with me for life. This disease made me even more depressed - I have always been 'proper' all my life (he is my second partner) and one mistake... changed me entirely. How do i have the courage to find a good man who is able to accept a girl with STD?

 

He now says that he is regretful and will take responsibility to care of me for the rest of my life... What does this really mean? Buying me a house (he casually mentioned), having a child with me?However I know that this will be a tough road. During this period of time while I am crying my eyes out, he never once accompanied me to the clinic for checks, vaccinations.. His priorities remain on his children and his career. I am facing these all alone. Does he love me? I think so. but not as much as his love for his children.

 

His wife later suspected our relationship and he is now hardly texting me. As 'the other woman' I find myself constantly waiting for him, not sleeping well, waking up with nightmares.. I would cry my eyes out for no reason, so much regret that I did not maintain my strength to resist his advances from the start. He initiated and chased this relationship so much and now, he is stepping back after all these. I am taking leave from work right now to make a decision whether to leave his company or stay on. I had decided to leave his company when I wanted out of the r/s (before my diagnosis) but am re-considering this because he brought this disease upon me and would take responsibility.

 

On the other hand, his wife is used to handling a rich straying husband, she probably knows how to handle him better than I do. And I know the reason for him straying is because of her, and he is still with her for the sake of their children. He goes home every night to them without fail.

 

I lost over 5kg in this period of 6 months. Would appreciate any advices. Thank you.

[SeenNotHeard]

Welcome to LS and sorry for your the pain you are experiencing and your inner turmoil. Add to that the STI you have contracted which does give you a little insight into how he really is if you think about it. How did he get the STI on one of his trips?

 

Now gently many MM say they are staying for the kids, their wife doesn't understand them OR gulp she doesn't do anything. Think about it, why would he continue to stay with her if he is really doing it all and getting nothing in return? This is straight from the MM playbook I hate to say. He has done this before I have no doubt he knew how to groom you perfectly and yes you willfully entered into the relationship. Step back, if he has this high power career as you state and he is going on business trips somebody must be doing something to look after the children. If his BS is as bad as he says when she got suspicious he wouldn't give a crap. He is the family man and plays the role well with her you have no status in his life and never will. As hard as it is to hear, you are a side piece, no more, no less.

 

You do have some tough choices to make, like leaving a job that sounds like it provides well for you and distancing from this toxic environment. Remember, you are better than this, you need a little self love, move on.

[georgia girl]

I haven't posted here in a very long while and I made myself a promise that I wouldn't post unless I could help. In your case, I think I can.

 

I had a boyfriend once who cheated on me. How did I find out? Like you, I got an STD. I was devastated and I thought the same thing: I can't leave him now because no decent guy is going to want me.

 

Please believe me when I say that a decent man worthy of your love will not give a darn. He will love who you are, what you stand for and what a life with you will look like. It took me a long time to date again and really believe I was still lovable. I had three long-term relationships after that incident and I married the love of my life a few years ago. I genuinely cannot believe I have been given something this good - I certainly never did anything to deserve this much.

 

You will go through many emotions - hate, despair, depression, resignation and acceptance. It sucks. But on the other side, you really start to believe that you are normal again. If I you are speaking of what I think you are, it's actually a harmless virus that 1-4 to 1-3 people have. It can be well-controlled with medicine and while it forces an awkward conversation, it will not really disrupt your dating life.

 

On the plus side, it forces you to be very discriminating about who you date. While you consciously are thinking, "Can this guy handle this?", your unconscious mind is raising the stakes for every single guy you meet. Is he worth the trust you would place in him to share this secret? You will be amazed at how this improves your selection process. You pick stand up, mature guys who you know are intrinsically honest, kind and accepting. Plus, it forces you to create a real bond emotionally before allowing a physical bond, which women sometimes rush into.

 

I can't give you advice - it is your life to live. I would like to give you hope and perspective. It's will be okay.

[anika99]

Okay first of all I'm not sure if the std you contracted is herpes but if it is your life is far from over. I have had several friends who contracted herpes in their youth and who have gone on to have wonderful fulfilling lives including getting married and having children. Even if you have something more serious like HIV it's still possible to have a rich and rewarding life. I have a friend who has lived with HIV for almost 30yrs now. It's not a death sentence, it's not the end of happiness. Whatever you have do all the research you can, get on the Internet and find people who have the same thing and read their stories. Rally support.

 

Your MM sounds like a creep but you seem intent on blaming his wife for the situation. He didn't cheat because of her, he cheated because he is comfortable being a liar and a cheat. He has probably been cheating on his wife for a great many years and that may be the reason that his wife has emotionally checked out.

 

He feels like he should get what he wants when he wants it. That's why he had no problem disrespecting your boundaries and pushing for an affair with you. He knew he was never going to leave his wife and that you would probably get hurt but that didn't trouble him in the least. All that matters to him is him. And OMG, did he really give you money right after you had sex with him the first time? Before you go painting his wife as the evil witch in the forest realize that he is a very selfish egotistical man who lies and cheats and who ultimately hurt you both emotionally and physically. He has stolen enough of your life and self respect, don't give him anymore.

[aileD]

And I know the reason for him straying is because of her, and he is still with her for the sake of their children. He goes home every night to them without fail.

 

This is why you can't get by this. If this is what you choose believe.

 

HE is the problem. No one else

[Cymbeline]

You mention thebwife's Tai Tai lifestyle. Are you from an East Asian or South East Asian culture where wealthy men routinely keep a mistress, usually providing her with an apartment and car?

 

If so, I am sorry for you, but why do you expect he will give up his official wife? and why has he not given you some of the benefits you might expect in your role?

[painfulregrets]

Thank you SeenNotHeard, Anika99 and AileD for your straightforward and frank advice to me. A little more about him - he is a man of high status in society, owning multiple malls and properties, living a private jet lifestyle.

 

Cymbeline: Yes from SEA culture where it may be common but of course the stigma for being a mistress exists. Girls would throw themselves at him (he has previously admitted to me, that happened yeaarrss back when he was in his twenties and already very rich then) and he is very cautious of who he gives his money to. that is how he got his std and being a silent carrier, he unknowingly passed on to me. I guess a 6 month affair is not long enough for him to buy me an apt / car yet?? His wife will never want to leave him and this lifestyle that he has given her. She is relatively young, spoilt and beautiful which of course does not make this any easier for me. He says he will leave her one day because they constantly fight but am staying around because the kids still need their mother. Adding on to this, he wants a son to carry on the family name and has casually asked if i was willing to do so but later changed his mind.

 

Georgia Girl: appreciate you coming forward to open up about your std experience. I am going through the stages of emotions that you are talking about - despair and anger that he caused me such misery. I do feel like he should compensate me in some way. I did not enter this relationship for monetary reasons but now that this has happened, the money I get from him would go a long way in helping my family. This emotion does make me want to stay around longer in the hopes that he will compensate me.

 

I know I am taking a gamble and only by truly letting go, will I be able to forget and heal. if I walk away right now, I will be walking away empty handed with emotional and physical pain, and without a job. It is a struggle...

Edited February 4, 2017 by painfulregrets

[BTDT2012]

He now says that he is regretful and will take responsibility to care of me for the rest of my life... What does this really mean? Buying me a house (he casually mentioned), having a child with me?However I know that this will be a tough road. During this period of time while I am crying my eyes out, he never once accompanied me to the clinic for checks, vaccinations.. His priorities remain on his children and his career. I am facing these all alone. Does he love me? I think so. but not as much as his love for his children.

 

If you can get him to buy you a house outright in your name, take it. Begin looking for a new job. I don't for one minute believe he didn't know he had the STD.

 

And I know the reason for him straying is because of her, and he is still with her for the sake of their children. He goes home every night to them without fail.

 

He is with her because that is where he wants to be. Don't sell yourself short. Get out of this relationship.

[BenchCoach]

Sounds to me like he groomed you to be his mistress. I'm almost certain he has done this before.

[whichwayisup]

Best thing you can do is ask for a transfer if possible and/or start looking for another job. Staying will be hell for you.

[sandylee1]

Have you thought that he's also given his wife the STD and she feels stuck with him and is angry about it?

 

He knew he had it, but didn't care about passing it on to you.

[HandsomeAndLonely]

OP, wow, I am really touched and saddened by your story of how your boss abused you, just to have fun, and abuse his "power" to get you in bed.

 

My question to you though is, when you go on abroad trips, don't you have separate rooms? Why did this jerk come into your room and make out with you? If he did this against your will, this is considered to be rape.

 

I don't know if you live in the US or in another country. But I would seek legal advice (after leaving this dump of a company of his) and ask to sue him for damages that he inflicted on you with the STD's that he's passed on to, permanent damage for life. Once you get certain STD's, such as Syphilis, you get it for life. It will definitely damage your potential prospects of getting married in the future.

 

The most important thing to do now, is to get out of that company, and find another job. I know, it's easy said than done. However, this boss of yours sounds like a true monster. the longer you stay there, the more sorrow and psychological damage you will feel.

 

If this so-called boss of yours will really take responsibility for what he's done to you, have him buy you a house or something, then quit that job.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[freengreen]

Boy I almost fell for ' maaaay be he is genuine' and then the story turns.

 

He basically targetted you, groomed you as much, forced you into sex and pass on STD knowing he had it.

 

I am so sorry, you seem like a very career determined disciplined girl and a clever one too. This was a pricey mistake for you but as everyone else said , your life is far from being a whiner. You need to be more aware from now and please get away from this boss of yours, he got good and bad ambitions.

 

Takecare.

[georgia girl]

 

Georgia Girl: appreciate you coming forward to open up about your std experience. I am going through the stages of emotions that you are talking about - despair and anger that he caused me such misery. I do feel like he should compensate me in some way. I did not enter this relationship for monetary reasons but now that this has happened, the money I get from him would go a long way in helping my family. This emotion does make me want to stay around longer in the hopes that he will compensate me.

 

I debated a couple of days about whether to respond, but I can only offer my perspective. First, I doubt he "unknowingly" gave it to you. I think the word is "unwittingly" did. He knew he had it, knew it was a risk and, giving him the benefit of the doubt, didn't think he would actually do it. Not giving him the benefit of the doubt, he did it capriciously.

 

However, as hard as it may be to accept, neither you nor me are victims. And, to be honest, you do not deserve compensation. You had unprotected sex. It's a risk. It's always a risk. I was in a long-term (unilaterally) committed relationship. As tough and hard as it is, I took that risk as did you. We paid the unfortunate price that the unlucky ones pay. But it was our bodies, our risk and our consequence. You have to own that so that you can move on.

 

Professionally, I often tell folks that there is no "equity clause" in this life. We all don't "get what's coming to us," and there is no balance sheet at the end. Instead, we get this one precious life. Good things are going to happen. Bad things will happen. How we respond to those things - that's how we determine our own happiness. Please move forward and do the right things - the things that someday you will be proud to tell your grandchildren about. We all could use a windfall here and there. But please do not equate a bad outcome with some expectation of a windfall. It's life. It happens. The best we can do is not let something bad define us and instead, grow strong from our experiences.

 

I wish you peace and a bright future.

 

GG

[Southern Sun]

painful - I have been through almost your exact experience.

 

Affair with married boss - check

Nearly 20 years my senior - check (okay, a few years less)

Incurable STD - check

Imbalance of power - check

 

A couple of differences...you sound a bit younger than me. Also, I am married too.

 

All I can say is, for every minute, hour, day, week, month, and year I stayed in that affair, I grew more miserable, anxious, and depressed. And I became more confused about who I was and what I stood for. I did not know myself anymore. I did not feel in control of my own being. I felt used and confused. I had NEVER done anything like that before and he was damn near a professional.

 

I believe you need to take back control of your life - completely. Do not become indebted to him. Screw the house. F' that. You can take care of yourself. You should find another job ASAP. You need to change your number and all of your contact information. You don't need to be beholden to him in ANY way. I don't really care which of those STDs it is. The one thing you can choose to do (depending on where you live) is possibly sue him. In some countries he could be held responsible.

 

But that's it. I would walk away with my head high and not be attached to this horrible person anymore. That's my advice...having been there. You have ONE LIFE.

[painfulregrets]

It has been hard to read this forum for the past 2 months because I would cry each time I think about this situation. Am unable to reply to my original thread as it is over 60 days old so here is the link:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/612553-affair-married-boss

 

I have left his company so that I need not see him everyday. He is supporting me financially until I get a job. Am also going through depression right now.

 

On his part, he was also very miserable and extremely guilty by what had happened to me. A month ago, he broke down and told me he experienced suicidal thoughts... but he would stay strong to witness his daughter grow up. He now feels 3 emotions towards me - love, responsibility, and guilt. Guilt overtakes his love for me now, and it is eating him up, affecting his work and life. I believe him, because I can sense his emotions are real. My colleague who knew what happened confirmed this, as she also sensed his mood changes in the office.

 

And this made me realise that it was actually me who made him feel this miserable. I have a lot of anger and blame towards him - each time I was crying (and it was very often) I would send him angry, hurtful text messages. I feel that he should compensate for passing me STD and causing me pain in this affair as I had been resisting his advances from the start. I have not been eating or sleeping well since.. this is unhealthy and I am trying to overcome this. I find myself crying so often which is not normal.

 

GeorgiaGirl is right - I have no one to blame except myself for not being strong enough from the start. Learning to let go of blame, to forgive, and slowly heal... picking myself up...

Edited April 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Threads merged ~6