Another sexless marriage thread - yay

[camerdo]

Hi all,

 

First time poster here. Sorry for the long post

 

So I have been married to my wife for 5 years, been together for about 8 years and we have a young child just over 2.

 

When we were first got together sex was great and basically everyday. When we moved around a year later together this dropped to about 2-3 times a week which was fine with me.

 

After we got married the sex dried up almost completely, maybe twice a fortnight if lucky. After talking about it to her she mentioned something along the lines of "I was only trying to impress you" at the start of our relationship. This kind of pissed me off, as a friend told me later, its "false advertising. Things got better for awhile after we talked about it but the issue never really got resolved.

 

Fast forward a few years and she got pregnant "not planned" and that all but killed her remaining sex drive. I went through a whole depression episode (Long time anxiety sufferer) through that time which she never really seemed to understand, I felt pretty much trapped in the marriage at that stage where as she just saw it as me being angry because she got pregnant.

 

After our child was born I held of any talk about sex for awhile, at least until around the 10-12 month mark, but it was the same old story. Things would be ok for awhile after I would bring the subject up, would say we don't have to have sex but just "help out" so to speak, but then just go back to maybe once or twice a month with a few bj's in between.

 

But just recently, in the last few months she seems to have zero interest at all, even giving a helping hand. I can count the amount of times in the last few months, including everything else, on one hand. The frustrating thing is she keeps playing the tired mum card even though I do 80% of the house work anyway, I often clean when she is out just so she doesn't have to. I do almost all of the washing, outside work etc. She cooks maybe twice a week, I make my own lunches etc everyday. I don't expect her to cook or clean on a daily basis or anything like that.

 

Also our child is at that age where they don't have to be watched 24/7, they play by themselves for ages with their toys or watching tv or just hanging out with me whilst she sits on her phone on FB or watching tv for hours. She only works 1 day a week also, whilst I work 8-5 5 days a week, so she has had 2 years off as a SAHM.

 

I basically don't know what to do anymore in this marriage. She acts like she has the hardest job ever, says that she never gets enough sleep yet she will go and nap for 2-3 hours in the arvo when our child does, or she will continue to sleep for hours after I'm already up with our kid. She also puts zero effort into her appearance, she doesn't even shower frequently which is even more annoying (once a week).

 

She has been acting normal besides all this though, still laughing at TV shows and playing around, doing her own things to keep her busy, so I don't think she is depressed, she also talks to me like normal and nothing is wrong, but she just seems to be completely CBF with anything to do with me sexually. She seems to spend 90% of her free time on FB or Instagram on trivial stuff, she is almost addicted to FB and commenting on crap.

 

So what should I do? Am I just been taking for granted now, sure feels like it. I'm kind of sick of having to bring up this subject every 6 months or so.

Edited April 26, 2017 by camerdo

[AMarriedMan]

So what should I do?

 

That's hard to say. There are several threads here about sexless marriages. Check the archives.

 

Am I just been taking for granted now, sure feels like it.

 

I think so. You wrote your wife said once that the frequent sex in the beginning of your relationship was to impress you, that is, false advertising. It seems that she was never that into you sexually to begin with. Perhaps she has low libido and is not that into sex in general.

 

I'm kind of sick of having to bring up this subject every 6 months or so.

 

IMO, if your wife refuses to even give you a helping hand it means that she has reneged on the marriage contract in that particular regard. You have tried to resolve the issue by discussing it with your wife multiple times to little or no avail. Marriage counseling is probably a good idea. Maybe you'll find it useful, maybe not. One last avenue to try would be for you to work on your own attractiveness by working out, dressing better and becoming less available. Maybe your wife needs to fear losing you to understand how serious this is.

 

If nothing helps you have four choices:

 

- settling for masturbation as your only sexual outlet

- affairs

- commercial sex

- divorce.

 

According to you, the first option has already damaged your mental health. The second option cannot be recommended as the number of involved parties is at least three, and the fallout might be serious. The viability of the third option depends much on what exactly is legal where you live, the cost, your own moral views on the subject and how important it is for you to be wanted by your partner. The fourth option has to be carefully considered. Consult a divorce lawyer for advice. Ask about the possibility of lifetime alimony and alimony in general, child support, division of assets, and issues related to custody of the child you have together. Your wife has been a SAHM for two years now. I would encourage her to start working at least part-time. It'll help your finances particularly if you can get an extended family member to help care for your child. In any case, if you wife works and earns at least some money, your income differential and thus alimony and child support will be smaller if you divorce. Just in case, I think you should start a journal and document everything pertaining to your family routines. If you can demonstrate that you have been actively involved in caring for your child, you may be able to get a better custody arrangement in case of divorce.

[Overtaxed]

If you're watching TV, you have time for sex and you're not that tired (or else you'd be asleep). Literally, I've heard this story nearly word for word at least half a dozen times from friends; it's "normal" in my experience. Sadly, I don't have any advice for you other than that already given. Work out, dress better, get the attention of other women and see if things change. If not, you have to consider D or, like most of my friends do, find something "on the side" (an A or a pro or both).

 

I'm so sorry you're in this situation, please let us know if things start to improve!

[somanymistakes]

If nothing helps you have four choices:

 

- settling for masturbation as your only sexual outlet

- affairs

- commercial sex

- divorce.

 

fifth choice - getting her to agree to letting you seek a sexual outlet elsewhere. it doesn't have to be an affair. you can take up knowing casual sex relationships, or highly involved poly relationships that are like picking up a second wife. people do it, and it does work - but only if your wife is willing to actually consider your needs.

 

to the OP - do you actually want to be married to her? You don't seem to like or respect her all that much, and you don't feel all that liked or respected by her either.

[Mr. Lucky]

to the OP - do you actually want to be married to her? You don't seem to like or respect her all that much, and you don't feel all that liked or respected by her either.

 

Agreed. camerdo, you don't have a sexless marriage, you have a loveless marriage. There's a big difference.

 

In many of the similar threads, the theme is that it's all good - except in the bedroom. And that's one thing that makes it so hard for the partner experiencing forced semi-celibacy is that they still feel the emotional connection, making the loss of the physical one even more painful.

 

Speaking bluntly, you and your wife seem to barely tolerate each other. Forget love, I didn't see the word "like" in your post. And so I'm not quite sure how, even if the sex magically started back up tomorrow, you'd put the pieces back together again.

 

MC is the go-to suggestion in your case, especially with a young child involved. And there would be value there in opening the lines of communication, always a good thing regardless of what happens. But I'd be giving careful thought to a way forward to an emotionally healthy life, can't see doing decades in the present situation. Not good for you, not good for your wife and not the right atmosphere to raise a child.

 

Keep posting, lots of good feedback here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gemma1]

She married you because she wanted to be married, otherwise the sex probably would have taken a while to die off after marriage, it wouldn't have happened instantly. She basically admitted this to you in her "I was just trying to impress you" statement. She was just trying to get you to marry her.

 

Tell her to get off her ass and you're not going to tolerate anymore of her "tired mom" BS. And tell her that if your sex life doesn't improve, you're going to seek it somewhere else. Obviously be a bit nicer about it than this...lol. But seriously, she has no respect for you at all. You need to get it back or get divorced. And sometimes some tough love is necessary. There's no way my H would put up with the crap you're putting up with. And because of that, I am very much committed to keeping him happy and satisfied. I'd be out on my *ss if I acted like your wife, even for a short while, much less two years.

 

He knows I'd leave him if he acted this way too, so it goes both ways. I don't believe in "till death do you part." You part when there is abuse or abandonment. Giving exactly no sh*ts about your partner's happiness constitutes abandonment. Sorry to be so blunt here but this crap makes me angry.

[NTV]

Dude it sounds like your wife doesn't do **** and you're letting her.

 

Ask her what exactly she thinks you're supposed to get out of this marriage. And when/if she comes comes back with fatherhood stuff let her know you're gonna be bea good father with or without her.

 

It's time to see an lawyer. She's looking at you and only sees a wallet with legs. Don't bang her anymore because she'll try to get pregnant again.

 

No one wants to be in a passionless marriage.

[central]

Seriously, you have a much lower than 1% chance that things will improve to your satisfaction. Realistically, your best option would be to get her back to work full time, then divorce her.

You'll do much better to find someone else who is a better match. Use what you've learned to avoid someone who isn't, and realize that it takes at least two years to be sure that you're seeing their baseline sexuality.

[Soxfaninfl]

Camerdo, I'm in a sexless marriage also. I know your pain.

 

I think your at the point of counseling. It sounds like you've been patient enough and have tried everything to improve your situation.

[dichotomy]

Agreed. camerdo, you don't have a sexless marriage, you have a loveless marriage. There's a big difference.

 

In many of the similar threads, the theme is that it's all good - except in the bedroom. And that's one thing that makes it so hard for the partner experiencing forced semi-celibacy is that they still feel the emotional connection, making the loss of the physical one even more painful.

 

Speaking bluntly, you and your wife seem to barely tolerate each other. Forget love, I didn't see the word "like" in your post. And so I'm not quite sure how, even if the sex magically started back up tomorrow, you'd put the pieces back together again.

 

MC is the go-to suggestion in your case, especially with a young child involved. And there would be value there in opening the lines of communication, always a good thing regardless of what happens. But I'd be giving careful thought to a way forward to an emotionally healthy life, can't see doing decades in the present situation. Not good for you, not good for your wife and not the right atmosphere to raise a child.

 

Keep posting, lots of good feedback here...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Good points above.

 

I have been in a low to no sex marriage. However I can say after many other major issues in our early marriage - we fixed those - we are now very good and very compatible. Its ONLY the sex that is missing (regular decent sex). If I had semi decent sex just once a week constantly - I would have nothing to complain about at all and would be happy. Its why I have not ended things.

 

OP - your marriage does not sound very good in general? She sounds lazy selfish and not much of a partner.... and the sex is gone. Besides sex - are you happy?

 

Just for reference - what I have see is once a week is average for many long term couples with kids. A marriage becomes truly sexless when you have sex less than 10 times a year.

 

Last point - and its a big one - think about getting a divorce - picture yourself 1 year or two later. What do you see ? what are the plus and minus to that possible life ?

Edited May 3, 2017 by dichotomy

[somanymistakes]

Biologically, some people are energised by sex while others are tired out by it, which can make it difficult to have sex all the time except on special occasions.

 

That definitely doesn't explain all sexless marriages and I'm not even trying to suggest it would, just for the 'how can you lay in bed with someone and not'. some people can't do it first thing in the morning without being too worn out to get up and get on with their day, some people don't want to do it at night because it may work them up and make it harder for them to sleep. So busy couples may have trouble matching rhythms unless they intentionally make a sex date (which many couples DO, to ensure it happens regularly).

 

Or if you're stressed out from too much work - some people find that sex is a great way to work out that tension and feel better, others cannot enjoy sex unless they are already relaxed beforehand. People's bodies do not all work the same way!

 

Even for women who want sex much more frequently than once a week it can be tricky to line everything up right.

 

Of course if you're on vacation and/or have very flexible schedules it's lots easier.

[bubbaganoosh]

Hi all,

The frustrating thing is she keeps playing the tired mum card even though I do 80% of the house work anyway, I often clean when she is out just so she doesn't have to. I do almost all of the washing, outside work etc. She cooks maybe twice a week, I make my own lunches etc everyday. I don't expect her to cook or clean on a daily basis or anything like that.

 

I basically don't know what to do anymore in this marriage. She acts like she has the hardest job ever, says that she never gets enough sleep yet she will go and nap for 2-3 hours in the arvo when our child does, or she will continue to sleep for hours after I'm already up with our kid. She also puts zero effort into her appearance, she doesn't even shower frequently which is even more annoying (once a week).

.

 

First of all you have to voice your complaint in a way she knows that you mean every word. Second is stop doing all the work. If you don't think she doesn't see that your willing to do way more then you should for a few crumbs then that's what you get.

 

Most of all if you are getting "pity sex' just to keep you quiet then you got troubles. let her know that your at the end of the line and if things don't improve then she either finds a doctor to help with the problem or a lawyer

[standtall]

Give her an ultimatum since you owe her that due to your wedding vows. Tell her she gets into MC and IC, steps up her effort on your marriage (which includes sex), or it is divorce time...and mean it.

Edited May 4, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[stillafool]

OP, your wife only showering once a week is her way of making you not want sex with her. Let her know she has succeeded. Start working out, buy some new clothes, maybe grow a small beard and make plans to go out with your buddies. I guarantee you that in 3 weeks of this your sex life with your wife will improve.

[Mr. Lucky]

Maybe the OP's issues are related to a lack of follow-through on his part.

 

Just as in this thread...

 

Mr. Lucky

[camerdo]

Maybe the OP's issues are related to a lack of follow-through on his part.

 

Just as in this thread...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

 

Lol sorry, wasn't getting any email notifications so thought there was no replies.

 

 

I spoke to her again about it the night I posted this thread, had a good chat, had really great sex that night, and then we have had sex once since then. Its the same old so far. Have a chat, have sex a few times in the space of a few weeks, and its now in that going back to the way it was phase again.

 

 

The issue is I think she really does understand where I am coming from but then I get contradicting vibes from her all the time. Like last night, I said to her " hey if you wanna shower I'll look after our son", you know, so she can get some me time and relax, but she was just like "no its ok, I'm good", and then went back to watching TV while I was watching our son. Its things like that that frustrate me, its like she doesn't think that oh, he wants me to shower so he probably wants a hand or similar, it just flies over her head, or she purposely is postponing it for as long as possible.

 

 

I've been trying really hard to not get frustrated at her about it but its really at a tipping point where I just almost don't care about the marriage anymore, because seriously why do I need to care anymore anyway?

 

 

I even said to her in the most straight to the point way that we don't have to have sex all the time for me to be happy, I'd be happy with actual sex once or twice a month if it meant other stuff in-between.

 

 

Also btw I workout at least once a week and am pretty fit, I ride regularly and used to be a wanna be body builder haha, so I don't think my appearance or anything is the issue, I could be wrong though. She has always been lazy with her body and appearance though, its like having a kid has allowed her to go to full lazy spec.

[camerdo]

fifth choice - getting her to agree to letting you seek a sexual outlet elsewhere. it doesn't have to be an affair. you can take up knowing casual sex relationships, or highly involved poly relationships that are like picking up a second wife. people do it, and it does work - but only if your wife is willing to actually consider your needs.

 

to the OP - do you actually want to be married to her? You don't seem to like or respect her all that much, and you don't feel all that liked or respected by her either.

 

 

 

Honestly I don't know if I want to be married to her anymore. If I could click my fingers and be with someone else in the same house, with a kid etc I'd probably choose that instead.

 

 

I have lost a lot of respect for her recently since I have seen how she really is on a day to day basis. A lot if not all of the "oh I'm tired" is self inflicted by not giving our son proper routines etc, but that's a whole other story. She constantly complains about not having "me" time but then spends all her time on her phone or watching TV anyway, its not like she cooks everyday or does much cleaning. Her way of living seems to be very lazy and just do whatever. I've tried to do things my way but she just takes over with our son or complains that I don't do this or that, does my head in.

 

 

The sad thing is after speaking to other guys at work it hard to not be a bit anti woman/anti marriage. A lot of guys have wife's with similar issues, constant whinging, expecting the husband to do all this stuff even though they work all day, double standards etc etc, I'd never get married again if I could go back in time. Some woman really seem to step into the mum role well whilst others seem to want to use it as an excuse to be angry because they miss their old lives of doing whatever they want.

[elaine567]

... others seem to want to use it as an excuse to be angry because they miss their old lives of doing whatever they want.

 

Yes and is that not understandable?

[camerdo]

No, it's not. If it's what the women wanted and she presses the man hard for it (which is what I see most often), sure, you can be a bit sad your missing things about your old life, but, this is what she wanted. Comes with tradeoffs. And yes, in my experience, most women seem to do this, they have a child and just get mad at their husbands because it's not what they expected (more work), or they aren't being provided for in the fashion they want (basically, they don't want to have to work anymore). Since that's not realistic for the majority of American households, you have a lot of unhappy women out there being sold a "bill of goods" that, after purchase, they decide wasn't the best of ideas.

 

But there's not returning this one. So, no, you don't get to complain about it and bemoan your old life; you wanted this, you signed up for it, and now you need to "man up" and do it like you said you would for the next 18-25 years. Not ready for that? Don't have children.

 

 

 

Exactly. Other guys seem to have it way worse then me but still, my wife really wanted kids, I was not fussed and more on the thinking that if it doesn't happen then so be it. Ours wasn't planned in the slightest.

 

 

Don't get me wrong, I love my son, but I do wonder a lot why people keep having kids, one is more then enough imo.

[camerdo]

Really? I've never co-owned a house with a friend. I've never had a joint account with a friend. I've never taken a shower with a friend, discussed my haemorrhoids with a friend, or gone shopping at 2am because a friend really fancies a chocolate mousse.

 

No, you're very wrong here. There are far more things that separate your husband/wife than just sex.

 

 

 

But sex is the main factor that defines marriage or a relationship, everything else you mentioned maybe bar the shower, but who knows some people, just goes with the territory of living with another person in close contact.

 

 

I've discussed more intimate or personal things with friends then my wife at times, marriage should always be about the sexual connection and energy more then anything else first and foremost, otherwise all you really have is a housemate you bang once in awhile as everything else can be done with a friend.

 

 

Also who really has joint bank accounts these days?

[somanymistakes]

marriage should always be about the sexual connection and energy more then anything else first and foremost, otherwise all you really have is a housemate you bang once in awhile as everything else can be done with a friend.

 

It's probably a good idea to check and make sure your partner shares this belief before marrying them.

 

Some people legitimately believe marriage is more about a spiritual connection and commitment and therefore both partners are free to have all kinds of sex outside of marriage (and possibly not with each other at all)

 

And a lot of people would feel very hurt if they thought that "sex" was the only thing their spouse wanted from them.

 

After all these days most people have sex before marriage so it's assumed there's something more wanted than just that or why bother getting married at all?

[Overtaxed]

It's probably a good idea to check and make sure your partner shares this belief before marrying them.

 

Some people legitimately believe marriage is more about a spiritual connection and commitment and therefore both partners are free to have all kinds of sex outside of marriage (and possibly not with each other at all)

 

And a lot of people would feel very hurt if they thought that "sex" was the only thing their spouse wanted from them.

 

After all these days most people have sex before marriage so it's assumed there's something more wanted than just that or why bother getting married at all?

 

Marriage is more about making a lifelong commitment, mentally, physically spiritually and yes, sexually, to another person. It's not "only about sex", but sex is the thing that defines that relationship against all others. You can have a lifelong friend, a lifelong spiritual advisor (and so on) without marrying them. Marriage is more about bringing all that together into one person. Of course, for many people, it's also about providing a stable home environment for children, but, even for me (no kids), it's about having a stable foundation for all things in life.

 

But, take the sex away, IMHO, it's not a marriage, it's a partnership. Which a lot of people do seem to have, and it does seem to work. But, to me, it would be soul destroying (as it seems to be to the OP); I could never live in a sexless marriage, and, if she said "go find it elsewhere" I'm not sure I'd really want to remain married at all. It's the glue that bind (or, as I read on another blog, it's the eggs in the cake, without it, you've just got a bunch of flour and sugar, but nothing that looks like a cake).

[camerdo]

Marriage is more about making a lifelong commitment, mentally, physically spiritually and yes, sexually, to another person. It's not "only about sex", but sex is the thing that defines that relationship against all others. You can have a lifelong friend, a lifelong spiritual advisor (and so on) without marrying them. Marriage is more about bringing all that together into one person. Of course, for many people, it's also about providing a stable home environment for children, but, even for me (no kids), it's about having a stable foundation for all things in life.

 

But, take the sex away, IMHO, it's not a marriage, it's a partnership. Which a lot of people do seem to have, and it does seem to work. But, to me, it would be soul destroying (as it seems to be to the OP); I could never live in a sexless marriage, and, if she said "go find it elsewhere" I'm not sure I'd really want to remain married at all. It's the glue that bind (or, as I read on another blog, it's the eggs in the cake, without it, you've just got a bunch of flour and sugar, but nothing that looks like a cake).

 

 

 

Spot on.

 

 

Don't forget its pretty much the woman 99% of the time who wants to get married, really for a guy it means nothing more then a fancy piece of paper, but for a woman it means 100% commitment and having their big day etc etc. I know if I didn't get married I wouldn't feel any different about things, if anything being married has made things worse as it makes me feel trapped legally.

[camerdo]

After all these days most people have sex before marriage so it's assumed there's something more wanted than just that or why bother getting married at all?

 

Yes but that's just an illusion that being married gives you more to the relationship. You can have everything a marriage gives but without the fancy piece of paper.

 

 

The only time this isn't the case is if its a religious or cultural thing, in that case being married is the least of your problems haha.

[Mr. Lucky]

I know if I didn't get married I wouldn't feel any different about things, if anything being married has made things worse as it makes me feel trapped legally.

 

Your child together is the biggest joint legal obligation, if it were simply the two of you would be simple to disconnect. Having a kid in year three of a sexless marriage is not the best idea...

 

Mr. Lucky