Another sexless marriage thread - yay

[Vareg]

Hi all,

 

First time poster here. Sorry for the long post

... So what should I do? Am I just been taking for granted now, sure feels like it. I'm kind of sick of having to bring up this subject every 6 months or so.

 

Better walking barefoot than with the wrong kind of shoes. Sexless marriage is bad news and reading your post I do not get the feeling you're either in the right relationship or in the right state of mind/emotional state. If you have to bring that up every 6 months to her only to find out you're being taken for granted, just call the shots, find another one and do not look back.

[BettyDraper]

She married you because she wanted to be married, otherwise the sex probably would have taken a while to die off after marriage, it wouldn't have happened instantly. She basically admitted this to you in her "I was just trying to impress you" statement. She was just trying to get you to marry her.

 

Tell her to get off her ass and you're not going to tolerate anymore of her "tired mom" BS. And tell her that if your sex life doesn't improve, you're going to seek it somewhere else. Obviously be a bit nicer about it than this...lol. But seriously, she has no respect for you at all. You need to get it back or get divorced. And sometimes some tough love is necessary. There's no way my H would put up with the crap you're putting up with. And because of that, I am very much committed to keeping him happy and satisfied. I'd be out on my *ss if I acted like your wife, even for a short while, much less two years.

 

He knows I'd leave him if he acted this way too, so it goes both ways. I don't believe in "till death do you part." You part when there is abuse or abandonment. Giving exactly no sh*ts about your partner's happiness constitutes abandonment. Sorry to be so blunt here but this crap makes me angry.

 

This. A spouse who pulls the "bait and switch" for any reason doesn't deserve to be married.

The OP's wife sees him as a wallet and a sperm bank. Situations like this is why so many men don't want to get married!

 

Tough love is sometimes completely necessary and this case is one of them.

[lucy_in_disguise]

If she has stopped showering regularly and taking care of her appearance and complains about being tired all the time, I think there's a good chance she's depressed. Being a SAHM is not for everyone. It can be very boring and isolating and when your spouse clearly has no respect for what you do all day and bring to the relationship (rightly or not) I imagine it's easy to get depressed.

 

Rather than harping on her for the sex, maybe you should consider what lifestyle changes you can both make that would get her to be more motivated. Maybe it's time to find child care options for your son to get her back to work? That alone should change the dynamics of your marriage. And if it doesn't help with the sexlessness, it will help you both in the event of a divorce.

[Hecan]

Im no expert but I'm just going to share a little of my own experience. Take it for what it's worth.

 

My marriage hit rock bottom . Most would never know but we can both attest it was h***. He was in counseling, I went to counseling. I had completely shutdown physically. Who wants that with someone you don't like? ( gentle guys !!) But in the process we had ONE night of physical intimacy. It is what opened the door to healing. I'm telling you it was just male physiology. My counselor had been encouraging me that I was going to be ok on my own. The next morning he went to his counselor and later I came for my appointment. ( same building, different counselors) My counselor said I saw H. This morning. He is just adorable. WAIT WHAT ?? .... Through questions she realizes that we had become intimate. He physically acted different ! Did one night of sex fix our marriage? NO !! But it opened a door that allowed us to get to the next door that had all of our crap. Without opening that door there was no path to the next one. Slowly but surely we pulled those pieces together with that core physical binding as we dug through the rubble. A few pieces, bind that up, a few more til we were whole again. It was hard !!! But we fell back in love like never before! Physical intimacy was not the problem in our marriage but it became the glue to piece us together. ( this was just several years ago and we have been together for over 30 years )

 

Now OP , My concern for you if you CAN get past door number one ( not begging every 6 months ) is what is behind door number 2?? I mean come on, she won't even take a shower. Are you sure she isn't depressed?? You can't feel close without physical and that's understandable ( you don't have a marriage without it ) but what is really there in your relationship?? Please try to get some help. This is not because she is a tired mom. If what you say us true, she's not really performing in that role either.

[William]

Folks, after cleaning up a 42 post threadjack here's a reminder that this is not a general discussion but a thread about a specific members unique situation. Let's get back to directing our replies to the OP. ~T

Edited May 11, 2017 by William

[stillafool]

She shouldn't have had a child if she wanted to keep her prior life.

Edited May 11, 2017 by stillafool

[somanymistakes]

She shouldn't have had a child if she wanted to keep her prior life.

 

She apparently didn't want to have the child, it wasn't planned. Sometimes things happen.

[BettyDraper]

She apparently didn't want to have the child, it wasn't planned. Sometimes things happen.

 

I don't agree with this. A person who is meticulous and diligent about birth control will not end up with a baby. If I can keep from becoming pregnant, other women can do the same if they pay attention.

[stillafool]

She apparently didn't want to have the child, it wasn't planned. Sometimes things happen.

 

If she didn't want to have the child there are other options.

[BettyDraper]

If she didn't want to have the child there are other options.

 

This is also true.

However, most wives are not going to have an abortion or put their kids up for adoption.

[camerdo]

This is also true.

However, most wives are not going to have an abortion or put their kids up for adoption.

 

That was never an option, and to be fair I knew that too.

 

 

Sorry for not replying to anyone I have been so busy with work lately.

 

 

Nothing has really changed, she seems to content to just go on the way she is. I've started working out 3-4 times a week again, as well as doing most of the house work, so I don't think anything is related to how I look or housework. I think it's purely she is content to do as little as possible and when things get a little tough she just plays the child card.

 

 

It's funny because I was talking to a good friend this morning about similar issues and he said something along the lines of " I had no problems in my life when I had no women in my life", I'm starting to agree. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not anti woman in the slightest, but there seems to be a direct correlation between marriage and unhappiness.

 

 

Been married or in a relationship is great at times but especially after kids it seems to me now like there is little point to keeping a relationship going, I can't think of any married man I know who doesn't have "wife" or marriage issues to some degree, whether it be laziness, anger towards the husband, blaming then for ruining their bodies and just ridiculous crap like that, kind of makes me depressed at the whole cycle of life and why I wish I never got married or had a kid.

[QuietDan]

Hi all,

 

First time poster here. Sorry for the long post

 

So I have been married to my wife for 5 years, been together for about 8 years and we have a young child just over 2.

 

When we were first got together sex was great and basically everyday. When we moved around a year later together this dropped to about 2-3 times a week which was fine with me.

 

After we got married the sex dried up almost completely, maybe twice a fortnight if lucky. After talking about it to her she mentioned something along the lines of "I was only trying to impress you" at the start of our relationship. This kind of pissed me off, as a friend told me later, its "false advertising. Things got better for awhile after we talked about it but the issue never really got resolved.

 

Fast forward a few years and she got pregnant "not planned" and that all but killed her remaining sex drive. I went through a whole depression episode (Long time anxiety sufferer) through that time which she never really seemed to understand, I felt pretty much trapped in the marriage at that stage where as she just saw it as me being angry because she got pregnant.

 

After our child was born I held of any talk about sex for awhile, at least until around the 10-12 month mark, but it was the same old story. Things would be ok for awhile after I would bring the subject up, would say we don't have to have sex but just "help out" so to speak, but then just go back to maybe once or twice a month with a few bj's in between.

 

But just recently, in the last few months she seems to have zero interest at all, even giving a helping hand. I can count the amount of times in the last few months, including everything else, on one hand. The frustrating thing is she keeps playing the tired mum card even though I do 80% of the house work anyway, I often clean when she is out just so she doesn't have to. I do almost all of the washing, outside work etc. She cooks maybe twice a week, I make my own lunches etc everyday. I don't expect her to cook or clean on a daily basis or anything like that.

 

Also our child is at that age where they don't have to be watched 24/7, they play by themselves for ages with their toys or watching tv or just hanging out with me whilst she sits on her phone on FB or watching tv for hours. She only works 1 day a week also, whilst I work 8-5 5 days a week, so she has had 2 years off as a SAHM.

 

I basically don't know what to do anymore in this marriage. She acts like she has the hardest job ever, says that she never gets enough sleep yet she will go and nap for 2-3 hours in the arvo when our child does, or she will continue to sleep for hours after I'm already up with our kid. She also puts zero effort into her appearance, she doesn't even shower frequently which is even more annoying (once a week).

 

She has been acting normal besides all this though, still laughing at TV shows and playing around, doing her own things to keep her busy, so I don't think she is depressed, she also talks to me like normal and nothing is wrong, but she just seems to be completely CBF with anything to do with me sexually. She seems to spend 90% of her free time on FB or Instagram on trivial stuff, she is almost addicted to FB and commenting on crap.

 

So what should I do? Am I just been taking for granted now, sure feels like it. I'm kind of sick of having to bring up this subject every 6 months or so.

 

There is too much here for me to relate to.

Maybe marraige and or sex councelling. It might save you 20 years or 30 years if anger pain depression frustration. Don't do anything stupid ir foolish like searching out for an affair. I personal do not recommend that route. Men and woman are wired so differently. I am thinking there are issues on both sides here. A professional councillor might hope both of you understand, teach, bridge the difference s. Actually, I think there is some good potential here for sorting things out. Your wife actually seems to understand and gives you something to work with from time to time. You sound like you both need some professional intervention to break the long term fure and ice pattern. At least consider it.

[Happily_married]

Routine is a major factor when struggling with a sexless marriage. Your wife seems to be stuck majorly in the routine of things. Could you find a babysitter and plan a stay-cation at a nearby hotel suite? Getting away from all the excuses of parenting and housework can allow you focus on the real task at hand. The goal of the weekend should be connecting emotionally AND sexually. Both types of connection are necessary for intimacy to grow.

My wife and I maintain intimate connection by taking regular stay-cations. We bond emotionally with daytime activities just the two of us. No distractions. Sexual connection is a bit more fussy as you probably agree. To keep the sex fresh and exciting, we pre-plan some roleplay fantasy scenarios for the bedroom. Using roles other than your regular and predictable selves helps initiate new experiences you might not have tried otherwise. We've bought and read several books to combat sexless marriage. Our most success has come from a pre-arranged fantasy rendezvous. Which each new scenario comes another opportunity to fall in love and repeat those feelings of connection. Hope this helps.

[Millhouse]

Well, I was in a similar situation years ago.

 

1. The SAHM was is terrible - excuse 1, exhaustion/ over stimulation etc.

2. We had a full-time housemaid that took care of all cleaning ,baby sitting, and some meals - excuse 2, guilt

3. She got a job. That didn't help - excuse 3, more tired

4. I got fat. That didn't help. - excuse 4, you're too heavy

5. I lost loads of weight. That didn't help. - excuse 5, are you sick

 

She was certainly depressed, but she didn't want to do anything about it. She would watch TV until midnight (I'd be in bed at 10.30) and then say she was tired when getting up at 6am. Date nights don't do a thing... offers of weekends or nights away were always rejected.

 

The sex stops, the bickering starts. You're force into a position of trying to solve problems that don't exist... eventually you will grow tired of this and fall out of love and then have an affair. That book has been written 1000 times before you and will continue after.

 

Remember, the marriage has made you no more or less trapped than any relationship that has a child.

 

My advice... be a man, work hard to save the friendship, offer to give her everything, be a good co-partent, and ditch the marriage. Do this before you get caught screwing some side chick and looking like the bad guy.

 

I once read that when she stops showering or shaving the mary, you're done, she doesn't want you. It hurts, but there's others who will want you. The real test, is not if she will have sex with you... it is will she kiss you deeply.

Edited June 19, 2017 by Millhouse