Newbie - which way to go after affair

[livelifegood]

My husband I have been married for almost 8 years, together for 10. We have 2 children together, both still very young.

 

I got lost in an affair with an ex co-worker who is already divorced (a year ago). He was married for 9 years, together with his ex for 16 years and also have 2 young kids. Their divorce was not caused by infidelity.

 

It started out as messaging each oher only. Nothing physical ever happened. It stopped for about 3 months and he tried moving on. We still had contact but not as much. In January we shared a first kiss and we slept togeher once.

 

I tried ending the affair because of my kids and what it would do to my family, the hurt I'm causing. There is no abuse involved in my marriage. We have problems, like everone else. My husband found out about the affair, he linked my accounts on my phone to his laptop and checked my conversations with everyone. This happened after I ended the affair (for probably he 10th time). When my husband confronted me, I felt this strange relief of being able to be honest with him about it all and my feelings for the OM.

 

I fell deeply in love with the OM and I know he loves me just as much. I wanted to end my marriage but my husband said he will fight for me. I thought that of a husband can forgive his wife after what she has done, that must be true love. For the sake of our kids and our marriage I decided to stay amd we have talked about what we need to work on.

 

I still find myself wanting to be with the OM instead. But at the same time scared that it won't last, everyone is telling me that it won't, it is the attention that I received that I want, that you can never be happy with the OM if you've had an affair, what about the kids and what it would do to them. What it would do to my husband.

 

I feel terrible for what I have done. I honestly do. The OM is torn over the fact that I have decided to stay with my husband, although he respects my reasons. How do I move on from here, and with who?

[wmacbride]

I'm not going to blast you for cheating, as it sounds like you already feel bad enough.

 

I would also suggest that you stop trying to pick between two men. Don't stay with your husband unless it is truly where you want to be, as this can translate into a negative atmosphere for both him and your children. I'm not saying you would intentionally put your kids in the middle, just that they can pick up on tension, sadness and anger in the household.

 

Also, reconciliation can be hard work. Your husband is reacting the way he is because it's still the early days. Once the initial shock wears off, the negative feelings can rise to the surface. For a reconciliation to work, you have to be all in and 100 percent committed or it's going to be so much more difficult for your husband.You've already hurt him deeply, so don;t offer reconciliation unless you are sure it's what you want, and not just because he's better than your om.

 

Also, unless you are ready to cut the om off completely ( no calls, texts, messages, meeting for coffee, personal chats at work (even if platonic). If you do any of these, they will just push the knife in your husband's back a little bit deeper. You sound like you are a compassionate person, and I expect that's the last thing you would want to do to him.

 

About your om. I can't speak for you, but in your shoes, I could never trust him. He showed you his true colors by cheating. I know you might think that you cheated too, but learned your lesson and will never do it again.You can say that with confidence because you know your own mind. You don't know his, except for what he tells you. How do you know he's being honest? Is this even his first affair, or did he cheat on his wife? You said his marriage ended but not due to infidelity. Unless you have some way of verifying this, how do you know it's true?

 

My personal opinion is that if you can't choose between two men, you shouldn't be with either of them. I would suggest you and your husband spend some time apart, and you and the om spend time apart too. Really think about what is best for you, your kids and your husband. The other man is a big boy, and he can take care of himself. If you do choose this option, I would suggest that you and your husband talk to a lawyer to find out your rights and responsibilities and prepare a formal separation agreement. This doesn't mean you will divorce, but your fmaily will be protect, as will you, while you figure out what you want to do. I would also suggest that you have your husband dot he same.Even if it's just for a day or two. If you both decide reconciliation is what you want, then seek marriage counseling ASAP, find one who is a good fit for both of you, and take the first step towards recovering your marriage.

 

I won't lie and say it's easy, but it's possible. My husband had an affair some years ago, and we reconciled and are very happy. Others on here have too. Marriages that survive infidelity and come out the other side can be even stronger than before.

 

If you decide divorce is best, if this process is undertaken with compassion for your soon to be ex, it will still be painful but it can have a positive outcome. You, he and your children can still be a family. You just don't live with their dad.

 

I can't comment on choosing the om, as I have never had an A or been an om, so I have no idea how that process works.

 

Whatever happens, you will get through this.

[BTDT2012]

I think you need to start IC for yourself, to get to the real reason you chose to cheat on your husband.

[Mrs. John Adams]

If you love another man...it is not fair to stay with your husband. It is not fair to anyone. Your husband deserves a wife who is fully in love with him and committed to him.

 

None of us know if the decisions we make in life are the right decisions....but you cannot stay with your husband...becasue going with your lover might be the wrong decision. He is not your safety net to catch you when you fall. You made the decision to cheat and have been making that decsion for a long time. This is not a one time "mistake". This has been a very purposeful choice. You are in love with someone else. You are committed to someone else.

 

Your husband still loves you...and as details come out about your other realtionship...that can change....and while today he says he wants to keep you...he may also decide to divorce you.

 

I recommend that you see a therapist...to help you sort through your feelings and help to understand the woman you have become.

 

I recommend you see a lawyer to find out your legal rights reagrding leaving or staying and what you can do with your children.

 

I recommend you read the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda macdonald. It will help you see if you are really committed to your husband and the work that will be involved in helping him through this.

 

I also recommend the book not just friends by shirley Glass

 

You might want to talk to your pastor. You should tell your parents about your affair. Parents are wonderful support systems....but they are also brutally honest about bad behavior.

 

You have a long tough road ahead of you....and i wish you luck.

[aileD]

Don't ask yourself who to move on with.

 

What the respectable and honest thing to do is cut off everything with your Affair partner, and give an honest effort to see if you can repair your marriage and get your needs met with your husband.

 

You don't have to go into it knowing whether or not you will stay married. You just give it your honest effort. That's what your marriage deserves and that's what your kids deserve. If you try and can honestly say you are leaving because the marriage can't survive, and NOT for another man, then that's ok. Get divorced, live alone for a bit to be comfortable with yourself and your new life and arrangement. And then you can start dating, even calling your AP.

 

But, if you don't do the work to find out if your marriage could survive or not, and you run off with AP, you will never have peace of mind. You will never have a truly decent parenting relationship with your ex, and your children someday will find out the circumstances of how you left.

 

You want to be honorable. It doesn't mean staying when you can't make it work. But be honorable and give your marriage the effort and the respect of not having someone else involved

[livelifegood]

I have been 100% honest with my husband and answered all questions he had and still have. He then suggested that we go to my parents and sit down with them and talk about everything. We did and both my parents love him like their own son, but my parents understood why, they know what our problems are but feel we should rather work on it. AP also went to his parents and talked to them about it all.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I have been 100% honest with my husband and answered all questions he had and still have. He then suggested that we go to my parents and sit down with them and talk about everything. We did and both my parents love him like their own son, but my parents understood why, they know what our problems are but feel we should rather work on it. AP also went to his parents and talked to them about it all.

 

I am glad you have done this...parents are wise and can be a great support system. Mine certainly were.

 

We really dont care what your AP did...and this statement just proves that your mind is on him.

 

You cannot save a marriage if you are not 100% committed to saving it. You cannot save your realtionship if you do not love your husband.

[livelifegood]

I agree that the shock of my infidelity will still hit my husband. Up until now he's main focus was not to let me go. He hasn't had time to really process and deal with what I've done.

 

I know the reason for AF's divorce, I've met his ex wife and I know his family.

 

I don't want to hurt my husband more than I already have. I don't want to just walk out either because I know what it would do to him and also that he won't be able to survive financially.

 

I would love to just be on my own and not just running into AF's arms. I want to be independant, but due to finances it is really difficult. AF would be able to support me but I don't want it..

[kgcolonel]

If you're really asking "How do you move on and with whom?" here's the way I see it.

 

1. Cut all ties with the OM, NC all together. Nothing, texts, notes, coffee everything.

2. Re-invest your energies into your marriage and your husband. You will never be able to move on if you're sitting on a fence with the OM.

3. I see the "Who" as an easy answer, if you were to chose the OM, you'll be constantly changing the kids between yourself and your ex-husband, there will never be a cut between you and your BH.

4. Once one decides to bring children into the world, They become the number one priority, not either spouses sex drive or money or anything else. After they are raised and out of the house, the scale tips differently.

5. You made a vow to your husband, he is keeping his vows (don't know about the other issues) it appears.

 

 

Marriage is hard, myself, been married 34 years, there were times years ago that i was counting the days to when my son was 18 and I was going to be out.....he's now 27 and things change over time....if you do exit the M, please be honest and do so fairly and kindly with your H. I also would suggest that you not move forward with the AP as to bring a full person into a relationship, you must heal and grow independently first and then take that whole, healed person as a complement to the next R.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I agree that the shock of my infidelity will still hit my husband. Up until now he's main focus was not to let me go. He hasn't had time to really process and deal with what I've done.

 

I know the reason for AF's divorce, I've met his ex wife and I know his family.

 

I don't want to hurt my husband more than I already have. I don't want to just walk out either because I know what it would do to him and also that he won't be able to survive financially.

 

I would love to just be on my own and not just running into AF's arms. I want to be independant, but due to finances it is really difficult. AF would be able to support me but I don't want it..

 

and this is your answer

 

You want time to be alone...and thats exactly what you should do.

 

Could you possibly move in with your parents for a little while to sort through your feelings?

 

It does not sound to me like you want either one....

[livelifegood]

I can't because of the kids. That would mean they will have to change schools and I don't want to do that.

 

I would really want to give it a chance between myself and AF, but I know that there is always a chance of things not working out. I don't want to think of it as a fairytale, the happily ever after. I want to be realistic about it

[aileD]

I can't because of the kids. That would mean they will have to change schools and I don't want to do that.

 

I would really want to give it a chance between myself and AF, but I know that there is always a chance of things not working out. I don't want to think of it as a fairytale, the happily ever after. I want to be realistic about it

 

You don't stay in a marriage because you're afraid that the person you leave for won't work out. Grow up. .

 

If you don't want to be married then start the divorce process now. Kids are going to have to suffer with things like school changes and that will be the least of their problems anyway.

[Superchicken]

 

I tried ending the affair because of my kids and what it would do to my family, the hurt I'm causing.

 

Rubbish !. I printed your story, shredded the paper and placed the shredding's in a flower pot. The flowers are loving the fertilizer.

 

 

You shouldn't have started it FOR THE SAME REASON !.

 

 

You are selfish, and to boot, you have a poor guy strung along, who, for some reason, sees something in you.

I see a selfish person, with no idea what they want.

 

 

I see bad times ahead for your BH.

Leave him if you have feelings for the other guy, regardless how much he want to stay together.

You have to finish one of the relationships.

 

 

Ted.

[livelifegood]

Thank you for the brutal honesty.

[livelifegood]

You are right. I am a selfish person with no idea what I want. I shouldn't have allowed this to happen. I am weak and don't deserve the love my husband has for me, regardless of what drove me to make the choice of having an affair.

[wmacbride]

You are right. I am a selfish person with no idea what I want. I shouldn't have allowed this to happen. I am weak and don't deserve the love my husband has for me, regardless of what drove me to make the choice of having an affair.

 

Self flagellation won't help the situation.

 

You sound really confused, but I will ask you this.

 

A lot of the reasons you say you want to stay are financial/ the kids. I can understand that, as those reasons are compelling, but ask yourself a few questions first.

 

What was your marriage like before the A? What were the issues? ( just please don't say "I cheated because of x,y and z that my husband was doing" You cheated because you wanted to.)

 

As I said above,reconciliation is not an easy path, nor is it right for everyone. Do you think your heart is in it? Do you think saving your marriage will be worth that work.

 

If you decide to stay, ask yourself if you think you can bury your feelings that would prefer to be with om? How will you grieve the loss of that relationship? Do you think you can keep any conflict from affecting your children?

 

It's not like measuring the two guys on a scale and comparing the two to see which is better. It's taking a cold, hard look at the situation.

 

I would suggest you talk to your husband and tell him some of what you have been thinking. Does he know that you are on the fence about leaving and, in an ideal world, you might prefer to be with the om?

 

Also, if you want to reconcile, you need to start form a place of complete honesty. If your husband asks you questions about the A, answer as fully as you can. Don't try and "protect" him by trickle truthing ( telling the story in bits and pieces).

 

 

One thing I did want to commend you on is your willingness to accept responsibility for your choices. Some ws never do.

[Mrs. John Adams]

You are right. I am a selfish person with no idea what I want. I shouldn't have allowed this to happen. I am weak and don't deserve the love my husband has for me, regardless of what drove me to make the choice of having an affair.

 

We all deserve love... it's how we handle the gift and use the gift once it is given to us.

 

You need to be alone and not with either man but especially not with your husband. He deserves a wife who loves and respects him. If you don't love him then allow him to find someone else who will.

[wmacbride]

One thing I did want to commend you on is your willingness to accept responsibility for your choices. Some ws never do.

 

I understand you have very compelling reasons to not take some time on your own to figure all this out, but in all honesty, I think it could do you a world of good. It will give both you and your husband some breathing room. Is there any way you can arrange to stay with your parents or a friend for a few days?

[Superchicken]

I also agree you need to be apart for at least a week or two.

Then, you can hopefully see whom you think of more, and whom you miss the most.

Then go along and follow that feeling to completion.

 

 

Ted.

[SydCar]

I am glad that agree that you are selfish, a liar and a cheat. Why would your children have to change schools ? Your husband would not allow your kids to be taken away somewhere else. You would have to stay near to your husband and where the kids were raised.

 

Your AP is a scumb@g. He is having an affair with a married mother! That is not a good man and certainly not the basis of a good relationship.

 

I am very surprised at your husband's response and it sounds like it is he who should be here getting help.

 

You need to give your husband a clean, amicable divorce with plenty of custody and not take him for a ride. You also need to give your cheating AP scumb@g the boot and get him out of your life - he certainly is not good for you.

 

And as for you staying with your husband or cheating scumb@g AP for money is the worst thing I have heard!!!!

[Whoknew30]

I had A & unsure I wanted to actually be with my H after I confessed...I even loved my OM. Though after my H was willing to work on it, I did seize all contact with AP bc I felt I owed my marriage one more "real" chance.

 

Some people think no one can really care for their AP & that's a lie. I till this day deep down care for mine but it's from a far away place & I never re engaged with him, minus running into him a couple of times in a 9 year period. I won't lie, when I've seen him all the feelings of the way I hurt him on top of my H comes back for a moment...but I'm happy that once I made the commitment to work on marriage, I have it my all.

 

What you're going through is difficult but unless you truly cut contact with your AP, you're not giving your all to really try with your H, so it's setting up reconciliation to fail automatically. You'll never know how you really feel unless you give a 100% in anything. One can't control feelings but only their actions.

 

Good luck!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Livelifegood, You have been given some excellent advice by the good folk here. However, I had a few questions for you if you would care to answer them. The first is how did you and your husband get together at the start? Were you in a long term relationship before you met your husband and had you just broken up with your then BF? If so was your relationship with your husband on the rebound? At the time you first met your husband and dated him did you really fall in love with him or did you just get carried away on some romantic notion that you were in love whereas it was only infatuation which did not translate into real and deep love for your husband?

 

What kind of a person are you? Gregarious, outgoing, looking for fun, wanting a good time and generous by nature? Or is it the opposite of these traits like being reserved, introverted, avoiding large groups of people and staying aloof from group activities? On the other hand what kind of a person is your husband with reference to the qualities I have mentioned above? What did you really find attractive about your husband? Was he fun to be with or was he a tag along BF just going along with what you were doing or wanted to do? Did you just settle for him or were there sparks flying around and excellent chemistry between the two of you?

 

You said there were problems in your marriage. When did these problems start and what was the nature of these problems? Did you and your husband ever address these? Did you visit a counselor to help work through these problems? Also were/are you also working in addition to your husband? Relatively speaking what are your income levels? Does your husband earn significantly more than you or vice versa or do you both earn roughly the same level of income?

 

I guess I have asked you a plateful of questions. I am not sure that you would be in the mood to answer these and if so would, you address all of them or only a select few. However, based on your answers I am sure you would be getting a much better and more focused quality of advice than the generic ones you have received which, nevertheless are excellent and pertinent to your situation. Shall await your positive response on my queries. Warm wishes.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I had A & unsure I wanted to actually be with my H after I confessed...I even loved my OM. Though after my H was willing to work on it, I did seize all contact with AP bc I felt I owed my marriage one more "real" chance.

 

Some people think no one can really care for their AP & that's a lie. I till this day deep down care for mine but it's from a far away place & I never re engaged with him, minus running into him a couple of times in a 9 year period. I won't lie, when I've seen him all the feelings of the way I hurt him on top of my H comes back for a moment...but I'm happy that once I made the commitment to work on marriage, I have it my all.

 

What you're going through is difficult but unless you truly cut contact with your AP, you're not giving your all to really try with your H, so it's setting up reconciliation to fail automatically. You'll never know how you really feel unless you give a 100% in anything. One can't control feelings but only their actions.

 

Good luck!

 

whoknew30...If I said this or felt this way...john would divorce me so fast my head would spin.

 

I am sorry...I think this is dangerous and disrespectful and hurtful to a betrayed spouse.

 

I know your husband cheated too...so you too have been a betrayed spouse...but I truly think your case is an exception and that most couples involved in infidelity wpould never survive if the wayward still professed "feelings" for her AP years after the fact.

 

When you are still "in" the affair...I understand having feelings for the AP...but once you have recommitted to your marriage...carrying those feelings back into the marriage would certainly be a dangerous place to be.

 

I am not denying that you and your husband are in a good place....I am saying that your advice in this matter is dangerous. I do not think it is good to encourage waywards that they can still carry "feelings" aput their Affair partners into a reconciliation. It may have worked for you...but it would not have worked for me....it simply would have been the end of our marriage.

[livelifegood]

I would say I'm reserved, one that would avoid large groups. I met BH shortly after I left school. I didn't want to get married at first, I felt I was too young but I knew that was something he really wanted.

 

BH is more of an outgoing person, enjoys attention and image is a great deal to him and his family.

 

We've been having the same problems for years, I've always discussed this with BH and he always said he will work on it bit things never changed.

 

We are both working, he earns more than me, but unfortunately due to some bad choices he made, some of them I never knew about, we are both depending on my income.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Livelifegood, thank you for answering some of the questions that posed to you. I am sure others will chip in with some good advice based on what you have divulged. As for me it seems to me that your husband has indulged in financial infidelity such that he has rendered himself dependent on your income alone. Also it seems that he browbeat you into marrying him when you were not too sure about marriage or a long term relationship. All these reasons seem to have laid the foundation for the break up of your marriage. Quite frankly, what I see is that your OM may be your first true love and your husband is now desperate to hang onto you because of financial and ego related issues since he does not like the idea that another man has made his way into your heart where he could not after all these years. It seems to me that the course of action suggested by some of the more experienced posters rings true. You should seperate for a while and figure out for your sekf where you stand with respect to your husband vis a vis your OM.

 

Whatever you do think hard before you make your moves. Warm wishes.