Newbie - which way to go after affair

[livelifegood]

Aliveagain, most, if not all your questions have been asked and answered in previous posts.

 

I think you are commenting here to probably release some anger you are still holding onto with your own experiences.

 

Money can destroy families, if you have not seen or experienced this you won't know. It can't always be replaced. It was not an inestment he made.

 

The OM is divorced, and I know your next question will be why is he divorced, you can also read previous posts to find the answer. Also, yes my family knows.

 

What am I doing to fix this? I already said I have broken off contact with the OM. My husband and I have talked about all the issues we have and for now, we are taking it one day at a time.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Livelifegood, it seems that you have come to grips with the difficult situation facing you for the most part. My question to you at this point would only be one. Are you fully, one hundred per cent, into reconciling with your husband even after all of those things that you mentioned in your post about how his family has treated you and how he has sided with his family rather than with you? If so what makes you think that things will work out and that everything will be good after a while? Also, what do your parents think about this whole situation between you and your husband? Would his parents be at all accepting of you after all that has transpired and would you be comfortable with them in the future? I guess you would have already given thought to some of these issues.

 

I still stick to what I had advised you to do after you had answered some of the questions that I had asked you. However, you are the person in the driver's seat so you would know best what you want to do. I can only wish you the very best going forward but I have to say that you have a steep and rocky path ahead of you. Warm wishes.

[livelifegood]

My husband's family don't know about it, I told him he can speak to them about it if he wants, but we both know they will rip me to pieces if they knew and our M won't stand a chance. They will use this to finally bring an end to our M. I am sure he will talk to them about it eventually. I've never been fully comfortable around his family so that won't change.

 

My parents are very understanding, they know that my husband has made some bad choices as well and they feel we can work through this, especially for the sake of the kids.

My parents also know what my husband's family is like and how they have treated me, they do not approve of this and how my husband is allowing this.

 

I know being alone for a while will help, but due to work obligations and our kids this will not be possible.

[Cephalopod]

You still haven't told us what this heinous monetary betrayal was. What did he do? Make bad investments? Rack up debt? Doing what? Did he give money away to a cult leader? What did he do?

[wmacbride]

Sure, and when someone develops a magic potion you can drink to make yourself stop feeling something that you don't want to feel, get back to us, because a lot of people would be interested in that development...

 

No contact doesn't do it. Truly believing there is never and will never be a future with the other person doesn't do it. Twenty-five years apart doesn't do it.

 

It's one thing to sometimes think fondly of someone even years later. It's quite another if , after 25 years, you can't move on.

 

I would suggest to someone in that position that they seek some therapy to figure out why the are so stuck.

[wmacbride]

Yes, and if you read all the posts you will note that I take rwsponsibility for what I have done, for being selfish in the choice I've made. Let's say I did not have an A, would husband's acts be seen as not fair towards me? Yes I had an A, and yes I know it was very wrong.

 

We have spoken about him allowing someone else into his life and our kids, should we go that path. Neither of us will keep the kids from the other.

 

I have since broken off contact with the OM, saying I'm willing to try make this work

 

Why?

I'm not trying to pester you, but what are your reasons for staying?

[wmacbride]

My husband's family don't know about it, I told him he can speak to them about it if he wants, but we both know they will rip me to pieces if they knew and our M won't stand a chance. They will use this to finally bring an end to our M. I am sure he will talk to them about it eventually. I've never been fully comfortable around his family so that won't change.

 

My parents are very understanding, they know that my husband has made some bad choices as well and they feel we can work through this, especially for the sake of the kids.

My parents also know what my husband's family is like and how they have treated me, they do not approve of this and how my husband is allowing this.

 

I know being alone for a while will help, but due to work obligations and our kids this will not be possible.

 

One things I will throw out there ( and this is NOT the same thing as blaming her bs for her actions)

 

One thing every spouse who is a ws or bs needs to figure out is if reconciliation is worth it.

 

Reconciling can be hard work, and it's not always the right choice. I'm not saying that's the case in your situation. I'm saying that, even taking the A out of the equation, you and your H still have some serious issues to work on. So you think he will be willing to do this?

 

I'm not trying to dump on your spouse at all when I ask this, but do you think your spouse has the emotional tools needed for a R to work?

[Whoknew30]

It boggles the mind that someone could be so callous as to keep their BS physically close but emotionally at arm's length while they carry the torch for someone else - for 25 years :eek: !!!

 

Could someone really be that cruel?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

This has been happening since the beginning of people. I think this gets to certain people as mean bc of inner insecurity.

 

Love comes in many different forms, it's not a black & white thing.

 

Example...there was a study conducted last year with married men & their wives. Both were asked if the H ever loved anyone else or had the "one that got away"...99% of the wives said "no". About 60% of the husbands said yes.

 

People can love multiple people in different ways & just bc a person loves/cares for someone in their heart someone doesn't mean that they belong with them & or are incapable of loving who they're with.. I think it's extremely juvenile logic to think that people are only capable of ever only loving their spouse romanticly in life.

 

Feelings can never be "cruel" only actions...I can turn it around & say a spouse to feel they're the "only" person their spouse can ever be capable of loving is narcissistic of them.

 

Feelings & actions get wrapped up way too much. I've learned it, can't control feelings only your actions.

 

It's like saying that an alcoholic that hasn't touched a drink for 20 years, isn't sober bc he still sometimes thinks about his favorite drink.

[wmacbride]

This has been happening since the beginning of people. I think this gets to certain people as mean bc of inner insecurity.

 

Love comes in many different forms, it's not a black & white thing.

 

Example...there was a study conducted last year with married men & their wives. Both were asked if the H ever loved anyone else or had the "one that got away"...99% of the wives said "no". About 60% of the husbands said yes.

 

People can love multiple people in different ways & just bc a person loves/cares for someone in their heart someone doesn't mean that they belong with them & or are incapable of loving who they're with.. I think it's extremely juvenile logic to think that people are only capable of ever only loving their spouse romanticly in life.

 

Feelings can never be "cruel" only actions...I can turn it around & say a spouse to feel they're the "only" person their spouse can ever be capable of loving is narcissistic of them.

 

Feelings & actions get wrapped up way too much. I've learned it, can't control feelings only your actions.

 

It's like saying that an alcoholic that hasn't touched a drink for 20 years, isn't sober bc he still sometimes thinks about his favorite drink.

 

I think of it like this ( just my personal opinion).

 

Before I met my spouse, he and I had relationships with other people. They didn't work out, and in most cases, there was a good reason for that.

 

That being said, in both our cases, there are a few people who we cared about, but the relationship wasn't sustainable and it ended. In my case, it was a boyfriend in my very early 20's. We weren't really well matched, and couldn't have lasted for the long term. Every so often, I'll remember something he said or did that was funny and I'll smile. That doesn't mean I am in love with him, want to be with him or am engaging in any sort of wishful thinking. It's just a memory, fast and fleeting. They don't mean I am unhappy in any way, shape or form.

 

Now if those memories start turning into "what if?", if I start trying to contact him "just to talk" or if I stat comparing my spouse to him in a negative way, there is a problem.

 

I think the key becomes knowing yourself well enough to see when you are starting to struggle, and also having a relationship with your husband or wife where you can feel comfortable talking about all of this.

 

As I mentioned before, my spouse doesn't hate his ex-ow, he is disgusted by her current actions, but he doesn't hate her. I'm also not foolish enough to think that there won't be times he might remember things they said or did that were fun. That doesn't mean anything other than that he has a functional memory. If transforms into him "wishful thinking", that's another story.

 

You and your spouse have found the way that works for you, and from what you say, you are both happy. You're not siting around pining after your ex-om, and you don't view your husband as second best. It doesn't sound like you have any plans to cheat, you aren't biding your time until something better comes along.

 

Right now, the op is still in the process of trying to figure it all out. It's going to take a while, and I hope that she finds the way that's right for her and the rest of the family too.

[Mr. Lucky]

People can love multiple people in different ways & just bc a person loves/cares for someone in their heart someone doesn't mean that they belong with them & or are incapable of loving who they're with.. I think it's extremely juvenile logic to think that people are only capable of ever only loving their spouse romanticly in life.

 

I think that's one of those fuzzy conceptual things that really easy to rationalize when you're talking about someone else. It makes a nice Hallmark card.

 

But if you're the BS, and your WS is concluding that the logistical ties in life are enough to give it a try even though she's still in love with her AP (whom, by the way, she cheated on you with), it's not that simple.

 

Having her casually try on your future like it was a warm coat to protect against the coming winter might be as big a betrayal as the affair itself. What risk to her? After all, just as livelifegood is still considering, many WS will kick the BH to the curb if the OM reappears or things don't work out anyway.

 

In my next life, I want to come back as a WS. It seems like a lot more fun...

 

Mr. Lucky

[niji]

I think that's one of those fuzzy conceptual things that really easy to rationalize when you're talking about someone else. It makes a nice Hallmark card.

 

But if you're the BS, and your WS is concluding that the logistical ties in life are enough to give it a try even though she's still in love with her AP (whom, by the way, she cheated on you with), it's not that simple.

Mr. Lucky

 

This is so so true, Mr. Lucky. I'm a romantic at heart and in my teen/early twenty I thought it's even romantic to carry a torch for someone, but ever since I've been in a serious long-term relationship, I realize it's unfair to all parties involved and really is nothing but a nice poem to fantasize about. I wonder if it comes from romantic novels where a couple lives "happily" but one spouse carries a torch for someone else, yet is still "the perfect spouse"; inside she (he) has this deep secret love that's eternal and it's so sad and beautiful In my opinion, one should never marry someone who they don't love as much as person X, unless person X is dead (and even then it's debatable).

 

Nobody will tell you you can't feel a certain way. I've carried a torch for someone for a long, long time so I know how it feels. You can love anyone you want, but if you love someone else MORE than your spouse, you owe them a divorce. Nobody deserves to be in a marriage where the spouse is constantly longing for someone else. Kids will pick up on these things.

[BluesPower]

 

Aliveagain, most, if not all your questions have been asked and answered in previous posts.

 

I think you are commenting here to probably release some anger you are still holding onto with your own experiences.

 

Money can destroy families, if you have not seen or experienced this you won't know. It can't always be replaced. It was not an inestment he made.

 

The OM is divorced, and I know your next question will be why is he divorced, you can also read previous posts to find the answer. Also, yes my family knows.

 

What am I doing to fix this? I already said I have broken off contact with the OM. My husband and I have talked about all the issues we have and for now, we are taking it one day at a time.

 

If at all possible... I really want you to try and understand what I am going to tell you.

 

You have gotten a lot of opinions and advice here. You take what you can use. Some is from BS's, some from WS's, and others.

 

I however, am both, and when I was cheating I was the worst of the worst. There are actually only about 5 people on LS that are actually worse than I was. So maybe what I say can carry some weight, maybe not.

 

I know that you say that you are responsible for what you did and yada, yada, yada. And you are right, you are responsible, it was wrong, it never ever will be right.

 

What you have to realize is that the "details" that you give about your husband and his financial infidelity, his weakness with his family, his temper and verbal abuse... Are in fact a "Justification" for your affair. Even though you say that it is not, deep in your heart, where you don't want anyone to look, you do think that his issues justified your affair. I won't argue with you about it, if you were honest with yourself you would say that this is true.

 

What makes me so smart? Because I have those feelings as well. I felt that I was justified in my first affair and frankly after what she put me through, part of me still thinks that way.

 

But the rational part of my mind knows better. I know it was hurtful to my family and the women that I cheated with. So I get all the mixed emotions.

 

You husbands issues have to be dealt with, the verbal abuse is completely out of line, unless he is raging about the affair. And the fact that he is a puss with his family it just out of line in every way.

 

Now, all of this, the VA, FI, family issues, may all be a reason to divorce him, and you would be with in your rights to do so.

 

BUT NOTHING HE HAS EVER DONE WILL JUSTIFY YOUR AFFAIR IN ANY WAY.

 

This is what you have to understand. You really have no idea how much you have hurt him and you assume that it is just about as much as his FI has hurt you. Well, not so much.

 

You have chosen to do the one thing that is the most hurtful thing that you can do to any man. You chose to screw another man, and you loved it and you are still in love with him.

 

Whether or not you guys make it who knows. But you have to understand that those nagging feelings that you get that say, "Yeah you SOB, now you hurt like I did". Those feelings are wrong, and it does not matter how you slice and dice it, they are wrong on multiple levels.

 

I hope that this makes some sense to you...

[SydCar]

You say that you have broken off contact with the POSOM when asked about what you have done to repair the marriage - that is no where near enough - what you have done there is simply a basic requirement to stay in the house with your husband and kids - that's not repairing the marriage.

 

And while you say that you are not justifying your affair, all I hear from you is what your husband has done wrong and how awful he and his family is but then follow that up by a shallow and weak "but I take responsibility for my affair" which only a fool would believe.

 

Please do not compare your husband's rash financial decisions to betraying your husband and sleeping with another man - one is an annoying rash and the other a knife in the gut!

 

His family being difficult, his bad financial decisions, your marrying young when you didn't know better, and now the final rewriting of marital history, I never loved my husband and didn't want to get married but he coerced me, do not cause an itch in your nether regions that can only be satisfied by another scumb@g! That is down to a serious character flaw in your self.

 

You are openly telling your poor husband that you love the other man and have an itch that only he can scratch makes me nauseous! Your husband is behaving like a weak fool and that is probably because he cannot deal with what is going on - he really is the one that needs to come here and be helped.

 

And how magnanimous of you to stay with him because he needs your financial help!?!?!?

 

Cut him loose, give him a chance to find someone who loves him (hopefully someone who can also help him financially) and give him an easy amicable divorce.

 

The one thing that you don't seem to realise is that your AP is a real piece of *****. He is pure scum. He is desecrating another marriage because his is over and he has the advantage of offering a bit of strange to a weak wife at work without the hassles that come from home and married life. You need to see him for what he really is and then all those "feelings for the OM" that some folk talk about will disappear real fast.

 

So simple question to you: do you acknowledge that your affair partner is not a good person ? And if not, why not ?

[somanymistakes]

 

The one thing that you don't seem to realise is that your AP is a real piece of *****. He is pure scum. He is desecrating another marriage because his is over and he has the advantage of offering a bit of strange to a weak wife at work without the hassles that come from home and married life. You need to see him for what he really is and then all those "feelings for the OM" that some folk talk about will disappear real fast.

 

I forget all that this thread has gone through - do you have any grounds for that judgment OTHER than 'he was in an affair therefore he's terrible'? Because that tends to come through as circular logic.

 

"The affair isn't real love, it's just infatuation."

"How do you know the difference?"

"Because it's an affair so it can't be love."

 

I mean sure, most of the time it isn't real love, but you're not going to actually convince someone by just saying It Is Therefore It Is.

[GoldenR]

This whole story is unreal....you tell us over and over that you own your A, and you shouldn't have done it. Then in the next breath you tell us you still pine away for the OM while trying to R with your H. Then you constantly remind us, "But H did bad things financially!!!!".

 

I see no hope. Divorce him now. Save a lot of hurt.

Edited April 28, 2017 by GoldenR

[Mrs. John Adams]

I forget all that this thread has gone through - do you have any grounds for that judgment OTHER than 'he was in an affair therefore he's terrible'? Because that tends to come through as circular logic.

 

"The affair isn't real love, it's just infatuation."

"How do you know the difference?"

"Because it's an affair so it can't be love."

 

I mean sure, most of the time it isn't real love, but you're not going to actually convince someone by just saying It Is Therefore It Is.

 

The man knew she was married....he pursued her anyway....which means he had no respect for her or her husband.

 

I have read your story and i understand where you are coming from and your point of view...

 

but no matter how many times you try to justify it...no matter how many excuses you might make...no matter how you try to glorify it.

 

This OM helped to destroy a FAMILY....i am not giving him 100% of the blame...because this op was willing to spread her legs for him.

 

But there are PLENTY of single women to bang....why pick one that you know is married with children?

 

She made the choice to let him...she is as guilty as he is....but they both get the blame for this.

 

I know the husband does not win husband of the year...but no matter what he did or how terrible he was....he did not deserve this.

 

Being betrayed by the one person you thought you could trust to always have your back...is horrible. and then to listen to that person tell you they LOVE someone else deeply is like sticking the knife in and twisting it.

 

Yes..I can understand being worried that he might be suicidal...he is about to lose his whole world to some man who could care less that he is stealing another mans life.

 

This is not a game....we are talking about lives here....how will this affect these children? they will be scarred for life...and NOTHING can ever undo what has been done...nothing

[Pollyannaslim]

I am so sorry for the circumstances that brought you to this forum and can see that there is so much pain for all involved! After reading most of the replies to your OP, I believe you have certainly been given some food for thought from several “camps.” As an advocate of marriage – and one who feels that under most circumstances, with forgiveness, grace and love (and a lot of hard work), most marriages can be salvaged.

 

 

I do get how our feelings for our spouse can change over time, love waxes and wanes – that is not uncommon. You and your H have built a life together and have beautiful children as a result. Although you may no longer be “in love” with your H, was there not, at one time a foundation built on love? It is possible to find that again – different, yes. Stronger, probably so. However, IMHO – I would imagine that it would be difficult to do when one’s heart is divided. Would taking time apart really help you see things more clearly? Would you think of the OM any less? What if you chose to stay and work on reconciliation? As difficult as it might be, I am hoping you can find a way to focus on all of the reasons why you first fell in love with your H and ALL of the good qualities in him. We are all fallible, all having made poor choices or mistakes. What a testimony to a child it would be to see 2 people work hard doing whatever it takes to heal their marriage!

Finally and really what I believe to be of the upmost importance –I want to encourage you to PLEASE find a qualified professional (MC & IC) who can help you, your H and children through this VERY DIFFICULT and challenging season.

 

 

 

I wish you only the best and will keep you all in my prayers! May God bless you and cover you with His peace!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Livelifegood, it seems that you have come to grips with the difficult situation facing you for the most part. My question to you at this point would only be one. Are you fully, one hundred per cent, into reconciling with your husband even after all of those things that you mentioned in your post about how his family has treated you and how he has sided with his family rather than with you? If so what makes you think that things will work out and that everything will be good after a while? I can only wish you the very best going forward but I have to say that you have a steep and rocky path ahead of you. Warm wishes.

 

Hi Livelifegood, I asked you an important question in my quote above but you have chosen to overlook it. Why are you not wanting to answer this? I think everything from here on forward hinges on this very important issue and you would be well advised to address it even if you do not want to discuss it here. I do not know how "In love" with your husband you are and whether in your heart of hearts you are really committed to him. On the other hand I have my doubts about whether your husband wants to stay with you because he is "In love" with you or whether it is for financial reasons because of the mess he has created which he cannot manage unless he has your income to count on. You would know better. To me it seems that he is not really invested in you as he should be if he consistently sides with his family, knowing they are inimical towards you and that you are unhappy in their presence. In his place I would not put my wife in such a difficult position so that is why I question his commitment to you. I guess all of us here would be interested in hearing your viewpoint.

 

Wishing you the very best.

[SydCar]

I forget all that this thread has gone through - do you have any grounds for that judgment OTHER than 'he was in an affair therefore he's terrible'? Because that tends to come through as circular logic.

 

"The affair isn't real love, it's just infatuation."

"How do you know the difference?"

"Because it's an affair so it can't be love."

 

I mean sure, most of the time it isn't real love, but you're not going to actually convince someone by just saying It Is Therefore It Is.

 

I am not sure of what you are saying.

 

The POSOM had an affair with (****ed, whatever floats your boat) a married mother when she was vulnerable. He destroyed the lives of this family. Knowingly. She is now "in love" with him because "he understands". So whatever other redeeming qualities he may have, he is still a piece of *****. A scumb@g!

 

And sure she is equally to blame and is no better. But she has to see what he is clearly before anything can improve.

 

There is no chance here for her husband - this marriage is doomed - here's why:

 

• She is still in love with the POSOM but is doing her husband a "favour".
   
   
  
• She has completely justified her affair while saying that she isn't doing that.
   
   
  
• There may be marital issues but she thinks she won't have these with the POSOM because she understands why he got divorced and has met his family and ex-wife (give me a break!)
   
  
• She has made sure that even though she has agreed to R (for his sake not hers) she is still missing her POSOM!
  

 

This doesn't get any more disrespectful or abhorrent.