Being the youngest

[mac007]

I am a 23 male. My father passed away when I was 5 months old. My mother raised us up 4 children. The problem is when I would like certain girls, then my brothers and sisters would say, 'Not her." or say something stupid to be the butt of their joke. Well I grew up with this my whole life. To make matters worse, because I was the youngest, my mother never really gave me a healthy bond with her. It was clearly know that I was not her favorite.

 

The thing is. I still hear their voices in the back of my head, when I try to even get close to a person. This stops me from bringing any girl around the family. I have had girlfriends before, but no to close. Not enough to make them want to know my family.

 

Are there any books about this? How can stop hearing these thoughts in my head. On the outside, we do look like a healthy family, but in reality, it is the opposite. At times I feel like I want to divorce my family.

[Israfil]

Originally posted by mac007

On the outside, we do look like a healthy family, but in reality, it is the opposite. At times I feel like I want to divorce my family.

 

It sounds to me like your problems are not directly related to a girlfriend, but that your issues with your girlfriends in the past are merely symptomatic of a much larger problem you have with your family.

 

The primary problem, I believe, is the influence that you currently allow your family to have over your thoughts, feelings, and decisions in your life. In fact, this reaction to your family, and the way it has affected you over your entire existence, likely permeates into almost all aspects of your current life.

 

What you need to do is change the cycle of behavior.

 

The first step is to recognize the toxic people in your life. This may sound a bit strange to you, but seriously think about it. Your family adversely affects you, in that members of your family, in certain ways, make you feel bad about yourself. Recognize that this is their shortcoming and not yours.

 

Then the second step is to disallow their behaviors to negatively impact you. Your family may indeed be perpetrators of ill thoughts, but you are the only one who is allowing their words to damage you. You are no longer a child. You have the power within you to stop their behavior from impacting you. You have to look at them as the one’s with the problem, not you. And you have to empower yourself to recognize this, and to be able to make the decision to not let the toxic people affect you anymore. You are your own person, separate from you family. You are a big boy now, so its time to make the decision to mentally act like one. Empower yourself.

[Thinkalot]

Excellent advice. Write down a list of things you love about yourself. If you cant think of big things, start small, and work from there. Build your own self esteem and believe in yourself. Your family and your upbringing have obviously impacted on you, but it does not need to keep happening now.

 

When you feel strong in your own right and believe in yourself, you'll be able to be around them in a more healthy way too.

 

The things they said and did are a reflection on them, not on you. There is no real reason then for you to feel unsure...tell yourself that.

 

Easier said than done, but with work, you can change things. Believe me.

[mac007]

Thankyou for the advice. I just recently told my mother that I don't trust her. She was shocked. I said, "Well you say one thing, and do the other thing." Not looking to change her, just letting her know the facts for a long time.