lawgirl79 Posted April 26, 2017 Share Posted April 26, 2017 I will have been married for 19 years next week. We separated this past October and have an 18 yo son and 16 yo daughter together. Other than having to discuss issues with him regarding the children, which he refuses to discuss because he says that they are my problem when I have them, I refuse to have contact with him. We separated because he was physically abusive the first 8 years of our marriage and emotionally abusive the remainder of the marriage. He refused to keep a job as well and did not pay for anything or contribute to the household. We have went to individual counseling, marriage counseling and he has went to anger management and none of those resolved the issues. I had enough and told him that I did not love him anymore and he left in October. He is also very contradicting because when I need him to help with the kids he refuses. For example, I was out of town over the weekend visiting family. The kids did not want to go so I asked him to watch them. He refused and said they are my problem and that he is not watching them because that would be helping me and in no way does he want to help me. Besides him being a controlling, manipulative ******* my problem right now is that he is not adhering to no contact. When he is lonely he consistenly sends me text messages saying he misses me, how he will never find anyone as pretty as me, etc. He buys me small gifts which he never did when we were together. I ignore his messages and throw the gifts away after trying to give them back but I really wish he would not have any contact with me at all. I have told him that I will never, ever take him back and to leave me alone. This is not working. What do I do? Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted April 26, 2017 Share Posted April 26, 2017 I will have been married for 19 years next week. We separated this past October and have an 18 yo son and 16 yo daughter together. Other than having to discuss issues with him regarding the children, which he refuses to discuss because he says that they are my problem when I have them, I refuse to have contact with him. We separated because he was physically abusive the first 8 years of our marriage and emotionally abusive the remainder of the marriage. He refused to keep a job as well and did not pay for anything or contribute to the household. We have went to individual counseling, marriage counseling and he has went to anger management and none of those resolved the issues. I had enough and told him that I did not love him anymore and he left in October. He is also very contradicting because when I need him to help with the kids he refuses. For example, I was out of town over the weekend visiting family. The kids did not want to go so I asked him to watch them. He refused and said they are my problem and that he is not watching them because that would be helping me and in no way does he want to help me. Besides him being a controlling, manipulative ******* my problem right now is that he is not adhering to no contact. When he is lonely he consistenly sends me text messages saying he misses me, how he will never find anyone as pretty as me, etc. He buys me small gifts which he never did when we were together. I ignore his messages and throw the gifts away after trying to give them back but I really wish he would not have any contact with me at all. I have told him that I will never, ever take him back and to leave me alone. This is not working. What do I do? Have you filed for divorce ? Start the process. Then communicate only through the attorneys. Why do 16 and 18 year olds be watched over ? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 26, 2017 Share Posted April 26, 2017 You ignore him. Through your lawyers you hope he can eventually realizing loving his children has no bearing on you. Nevertheless you realize you can't count on him & you make independent arrangements. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lawgirl79 Posted April 26, 2017 Author Share Posted April 26, 2017 I have not started the divorce process because in the state I live we have to be separated for a year, however, I do have a signed separation agreement. The 16 yo and 18 yo needed watched over while I was out of town because I heard they were planning a party and I was NOT having that. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 27, 2017 Share Posted April 27, 2017 He is also very contradicting because when I need him to help with the kids he refuses. For example, I was out of town over the weekend visiting family. The kids did not want to go so I asked him to watch them. He refused and said they are my problem and that he is not watching them because that would be helping me and in no way does he want to help me. No contact is a two-way street, means you don't contact him either. He's the LAST person you reach out to for help, whether with the kids or anything else. Enlist a friend, family member, fellow parent, etc., and cut the ties to him. With your youngest being 16, should be pretty easy to do. Delete him from your contacts... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whatnot Posted April 27, 2017 Share Posted April 27, 2017 For example, I was out of town over the weekend visiting family. The kids did not want to go so I asked him to watch them. He refused The 16 yo and 18 yo needed watched over while I was out of town because I heard they were planning a party and I was NOT having that. So, who ended up watching your kids? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lawgirl79 Posted April 27, 2017 Author Share Posted April 27, 2017 No one watched the kids. My house was in one piece when I got home although the neighbors did tell me the daughter's BF spent the night. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
springy Posted April 27, 2017 Share Posted April 27, 2017 A 16 year old who you don't trust should have had to take that trip with you anyway. As for the 18 year old if they are living in your house and you don't trust them to abide by the rules, they can also take that trip or find their own place to stay for the weekend. At the very least block him when he doesn't have the kids. He can contact them directly if he wants to communicate. Reject all gifts, return to sender, straight to the trash or whatever, but stop responding. You can't control what he does, but you can control your response. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OptimismHopeTrust Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 It is hard, it absolutely is, I think we all get it. You received some good suggestions. When someone is emotionally abusive and angry and unwilling to help with the kids, it is worth considering that almost any and all attempts he makes with texts or small gifts is all self-serving. Acting harsh and putting you down and then trying to be nice just do NOT go together. It is a red flag and I think worth paying attention to. You can't control his behavior but you can control your responses. Do not answer, do not have contact. It sounds like it sets you back and you need to keep yourself healthy. You are a parent of teenagers which requires your presence and your energy. I think it might be worth considering having others help with the kids....and it is understandable that it is supervision rather than babysitting because of the teen years and parties and boyfriends, girlfriends, etc. Those are rough ages to leave kids behind at home overnight and trust that they will not push and probably make poor decisions. Not sure a 16 year old gets that choice, maybe an 18 year old can't either depending on the situation.....so you get help from a trusted family member or friends so you have peace of mind if you must go. Rely on those who are consistent and supportive. You need to heal from all the pain. You need to be gentle with yourself while you take this journey and try to establish a new "normal." Always speak truth over your kids, they may roll their eyes, but they are hearing you. I wish you the best. Stay strong and believe in yourself. You will come out on the other side of this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lawgirl79 Posted April 28, 2017 Author Share Posted April 28, 2017 Thank you all for the responses. I will definitely stop all contact and get help with the kids for supervision elsewhere. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 4, 2017 Share Posted May 4, 2017 No one watched the kids. My house was in one piece when I got home although the neighbors did tell me the daughter's BF spent the night. You ask a trusted friend or another family member to stay with your kids next time you're away. Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted May 4, 2017 Share Posted May 4, 2017 No one watched the kids. My house was in one piece when I got home although the neighbors did tell me the daughter's BF spent the night. LG, Is there a set custody schedule? If this was your weekend and your H did not agree to watch the kids, I see this issue as being on you. You should have rescheduled your visit to visit family so that you could tend to your schedule of watching the daughter. By not securing the appropriate care, you did two things: 1. Put the daughter's health and wellbeing in jeopardy i.e. boyfriend spent the night, (pregnancy) or dangerous uncontrolled party. 2. Put your interests above your duties of being a protective mother. I am not trying to shame you, I am however looking to help you see that your husband is not there to facilitate your plans. It is possible that he had plans that he had made on his "off" weekend. Please don't get defensive but think about this. Link to post Share on other sites
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