Pregnant

[Dizzylizzy123]

I'm in a long term relationship. I've also been having an affair with a married man. I recently discovered I'm pregnant with AP's baby. He's very happy and wants me to keep the baby. He says he can't leave his wife right now, but he has plans to do so in the futur and we will be together. I want to believe him, but I'm scared of blowing up my whole life and end up alone with a baby. The other half of me thinks why would the AP want me to have the baby if he wasn't really planning on leaving his family? I can't talk to anyone in my life about this and I'm looking for some (rational) advice.

[BTDT2012]

You've already blown up your life. You need to tell the person with whom you are in a long term relationship that you are pregnant, and he isn't the father. Whatever you do, it isn't fair to allow him to think the child is his. The likelihood that you will end up alone with a chld is very high.

[somanymistakes]

The other half of me thinks why would the AP want me to have the baby if he wasn't really planning on leaving his family? I can't talk to anyone in my life about this and I'm looking for some (rational) advice.

 

Some men are really flattered by the idea of a woman having their child. It makes them feel extra manly and powerful. It doesn't necessarily mean that they intend to leave their wives, though.

 

I mean, it doesn't mean he WON'T, but it doesn't mean he WILL. Does he have any kids with his wife? Have they tried and failed? I've seen stories where the wife ended up adopting the AP's kid.

 

 

Do you know for certain who the father is?

 

Definitely don't mislead your current partner about the child. If you really don't know whose it is you can tell him that, but it might be safer for you to just get out and expect to deal with the child on your own.

[starswewillnavigate]

OP - does he have children with his wife?

 

As the other posters have said, you need to tell your partner and that he's not the father of the child.

 

Don't plan on the MM being there. He may or may not, but please make decisions based on what you want.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Babies are such a blessing. But you have to really grow up now and the first thing is you have to face your partner and tell him the truth. Then you need to start making plans for how to raise this baby without (probably) either your partner or MM in your life.

 

Can you do this? What support do you have? Friends, Family? Start gathering your support system because i can almost guarantee you it will not be your MM- count on this and then start to plan your life.

[Jemima1234]

Hi

I speak from experience here - I got pregnant with my xAP child. It was traumatic and we made some crazy decisions - don't make my mistakes. Instead

 

- decide whether you are going ahead with the pregnancy. I am completely for this but don't judge anyone who feels differently.

- tell your partner the truth. No choice but to. As painful as it is he needs to know.

- always tell your child the truth

- your MM has to make his own decisions. But don't believe too much of what he says!!

[WarriorBabe]

It's fair to tell the truth to your long term partner.

 

It's fair that MM tells his wife the truth.

[stillafool]

A baby is a blessing but you have to be prepared to raise it alone. MM lie and may not have any intentions of leaving his family to be with you and the child. You would be smart to make sure his wife knows about your pregnancy so they can get their (Her and her husband) heads around the fact that they will be paying child support in 9 months. You may have to get an attorney. Do not trust what he says, protect your child.

[aileD]

He didn't love you enough to leave his wife for you when he claimed to love you.

 

Now you're pregnant with his child and he doesn't love you enough to leave his wife.

 

This man is full of shiit.

 

Be prepared to be alone with the child. Your Bf needs to know and the wife needs to know.

 

Children can't be kept secret. There is much emotional trauma for children who are born from affairs. I just watched a whole show on it. Knowing they weren't really wanted, they weren't planned. Having to deal with being a secret to their father, etc

 

I'm not saying to not keep the baby, that's a personal decision. But be prepared that it won't be a normal family

[Tressugar]

I can tell you how this is going to end. If you choose to move forward and have this baby you'll raise it alone. If you choose to not have this this baby also be prepared to be alone. No matter how you dice your situation, you'll end up alone without either men in your life.

 

Oh, what a tangled web we weave...when first we practice to deceive. It's called karma.

[ice3784]

He wont leave his wife. Trust me. Im with AP for 3 years plus now. The wife choose to separate after she found out about me. I was with AP in bright, no need to hide, we announce our relationship. Life moves on. Suddenly, she came back. And he choose to accept them. No matter what you do, even the whole worlds acknowledge your relationship, the wife still the wife and if she bears his children, that makes it even worse. He have a good excuse not to leave and u have to take it for the rest of your life.

[BaileyB]

You have definitely already blown up your life. I'm very sorry to say.

 

Why does your AP get a vote? He got you pregnant, but he's unwilling to leave his wife or family to be with you and your child. That says it right there... You are already alone. The chances that you will be raising this child alone are very high.

[sandylee1]

If you want the baby, do so with the full knowledge and belief that he's not leaving his wife and be prepared for your child to be a secret just like you are.

 

You'll have a father for your child that cannot walk the street, with his child in a stroller and a child who will come second to any other children he has, just like you do to his wife.

 

You'll have a father that has to pay child support on the quiet, if he does at all and who will be there at the birth, only if no emergency arises with his family and it's convenient.

 

Is this really what you want for your baby?

 

I've spoken to grown up adults who were the OC and they have spoken about the occasions they went on a 'family' holiday and their dad never travelled with them. They spoke of times their dad missed important events and because he was doing something with his other family.

 

One heartbreaking one of was a woman who waited at the cemetery for her father's family to leave after the funeral, because nobody knew about her.

 

She was a secret until he died and it has caused her immense pain and anguish.

 

Think long and hard what you are doing here.

[freengreen]

Wow... your AP. You are pregnant with him, yet he dont give you a time frame on when you will be together nor prepares to set free his wife. Fling your rose tinted glasses darling... He is hollow promising now but remember,its easy for him to drop you and your baby off at any moment he decides.

 

Time to buckle up and prepare raise the baby yourself.

[HeartbrokenDec29]

I'm in a long term relationship. I've also been having an affair with a married man. I recently discovered I'm pregnant with AP's baby. He's very happy and wants me to keep the baby. He says he can't leave his wife right now, but he has plans to do so in the futur and we will be together. I want to believe him, but I'm scared of blowing up my whole life and end up alone with a baby. The other half of me thinks why would the AP want me to have the baby if he wasn't really planning on leaving his family? I can't talk to anyone in my life about this and I'm looking for some (rational) advice.

Hi OP, I am sorry you have found yourself in this situation.

 

Like everyone has advised tell your long term partner. As for the MM, please don't bank on what he feels and say at the moment. They usually are unstable.

 

Telling your long term partner has 2 sides. It's possible he leaves you and it's also possible he stays. Don't let anyone tell/make you believe it's all negative and you will end up lonely forever raising the child if you decide to keep it. That is absolutely FALSE.

 

I believe people make mistakes but also a firm believer that the mistake doesn't have to determine the rest of your life, just make sure you don't go back to that mistake! This child might as well be a blessing in disguise!

 

But nonetheless be true to yourself and to your long term partner. I would love for you to stop the affair yet that is a choice only you can make.

 

Your happiness and how your life turns out is dependent on you. You can either let this get you down or let it help you be the change you need.

 

I wish you the best and in all of this know that there is a lesson to be learnt!

[Ruffian1]

If you plan on keeping the baby, please let his BS know that and that he is planning on leaving her in the future so she get's to make decisions about her life NOW.

 

So much deception.

Just be honest with all involved.

[Birdies]

I, too, am extremely dubious that your AP will ever leave his wife. This is his chance. You, the love of his life, are carrying his child! If that won't prompt him, I really think nothing would.

 

You need to tell your partner. If I were you (IF you want to stay with him - not really clear from your post), I would tell him, offer to get an abortion, and throw yourself on his mercy and do anything and everything to make this right. There are a lot of resources out there to help you. Read How to help your spouse heal from your affair, etc.

 

If you don't want to stay with him, tell him gently. But I wouldn't make either decision based on your AP. You can't count on him do what you need to do for you.

 

Good luck.

[sandylee1]

 

I'm in a long term relationship. I've also been having an affair with a married man. I recently discovered I'm pregnant with AP's baby.

 

He says he can't leave his wife right now

 

Why?

[/b]but he has plans to do so in the future[/b]

 

What is going to change for him to leave?

 

 

I want to believe him, but I'm scared of blowing up my whole life and end up alone with a baby

Then don't have the baby if you don't want to be alone.

 

The other half of me thinks why would the AP want me to have the baby if he wasn't really planning on leaving his family?

 

Because then it's more likely you won't go off with another man.

 

He'll have you on your own and no other man is going to want to be in the picture while your married lover comes over to see his baby.

 

He wants to trap you and have you as his permanent concubine.

 

 

If you have the baby, as long as he continues to say he loves you, you'll stay in the affair.

 

Hell have you right where he wants you. He'll continue sneaking out to see you.

 

You'll be on your own having sleepless nights. No partner to support you.

 

Hospital appointments on your own.

 

Scan appointments and antenatal clinic on your own.

 

Unless he agrees and comes with you, the father's name is blank on the birth certificate.

 

I can't see a MM jumping to be on the birth certificate.

 

You will be alone and he's a good as said that the by not leaving his wife on hearing you're pregnant.

 

Can't you see how vague his 'plan' to leave is.. "in the future"

[whatnot]

- decide whether you are going ahead with the pregnancy. I am completely for this but don't judge anyone who feels differently.

It's not about the baby, it's a business decision.

 

The OP is concerned about two fears...

 

Terminating may cost her the affair guy.

Not terminating may cost her current man.

 

This is the kind of stuff that would give even the staunchest of pro-lifers pause to their cause.

[starswewillnavigate]

If you want the baby, do so with the full knowledge and belief that he's not leaving his wife and be prepared for your child to be a secret just like you are.

 

You'll have a father for your child that cannot walk the street, with his child in a stroller and a child who will come second to any other children he has, just like you do to his wife.

 

You'll have a father that has to pay child support on the quiet, if he does at all and who will be there at the birth, only if no emergency arises with his family and it's convenient.

 

Is this really what you want for your baby?

 

I've spoken to grown up adults who were the OC and they have spoken about the occasions they went on a 'family' holiday and their dad never travelled with them. They spoke of times their dad missed important events and because he was doing something with his other family.

 

One heartbreaking one of was a woman who waited at the cemetery for her father's family to leave after the funeral, because nobody knew about her.

 

She was a secret until he died and it has caused her immense pain and anguish.

 

Think long and hard what you are doing here.

 

Not all families are mum + dad

[wmacbride]

op,

I can't give you advice, as I have never been in your situation. I woudl advise you to search for threads on here written by women in your position. They will have lots of information, thoughts and advice that you might be able to apply to yourself.

 

Whatever you decide, put your child, and the mm's children too, first. None of them asked for any of this, and they do not deserve to be hurt by it.

[Dizzylizzy123]

I appreciate the advice of so many of you! I have read each and every one of the comments. I know this is a tough situation and I really messed up. Or as I've read here, its a serious of mess ups.

 

To answer some of your questions, yes, he does have children with his wife.

She knows about me/the affair, but not about the baby at the moment. I still havent decided what to do about anything, but its very early on.

[Bufo]

Not emotional advice here but advice that you need to seek legal advice. Not having a clue where you live I can't be specific. However, find out what his support obligations would be for money and health insurance. Also find out about custody/visitation issues as you may have an 18 year scenario with MM for these issues.

 

Many men don't willingly acknowledge paternity (and why should he if there is a possibility that LTR guy is the father?) or voluntarily pay support. What is e status of relinquishing parental rights in your jurisdiction)? Again a lawyer should be consulted.

 

You Re in this for the long haul. While I'll defer to the women here, my second hand (third hand?) experience teaches that whether to have an abortion is a long term decision whose consequences don't disappear when you leave the clinic.

[sandylee1]

Not all families are mum + dad

 

Of course not and that's not in question here. The OP doesn't want to be a lone parent.

 

That was clearly stated.

[BenchCoach]

I still havent decided what to do about anything, but its very early on.

 

With all do respect, your SO deserves to know that the child you're carrying is NOT his. Are you waiting for your baby bump to start showing and him thinking(falsely) that he is gonna be a father? Gonna be much more difficult telling him the truth if he starts believing this. Might even give you incentive enough to not tell him because you "don't want to hurt him" further. Would be very cruel if you let this man believe such a thing.