Why dumpees so badly feel the need to contact their dumper?

[GeekLover]

So I was just watching a video on YouTube about Codependency and Depression (I think another member posted it on here somewhere?), and something she said in the video just made me start thinking about why we, as dumpees, seem to usually feel the need to break NC.

 

She said: "If suppression of your emotions equals depression, then EXPRESSION of your emotions must equal the OPPOSITE of depression."

 

And it made me think...this is EXACTLY why I've been feeling the need to contact my dumper. Even though I know I shouldn't WANT to talk to him after everything that happened, what is (or at least WAS) driving my desire to do so, is the fact that I can't EXPRESS my thoughts to him that I feel I need to in order to feel that peace within myself.

 

Perhaps that's that whole idea we have of "closure"? Not so much that we need THEM to say the right thing to give us that feeling of closing the relationship, but instead it is US who requires the opportunity to be able to express our anger, or disappointment, or whatever else we feel so we are able to reverse some of that depression that builds up post-breakup during NC.

 

That also helps explain why so many of us encourage other members to either seek counselling and/or post our feelings on here. We REQUIRE that outlet, otherwise our feelings continue to gnaw away at our soul.

 

Anyway...just a thought...

[Knix]

Depression can also just stem from a loss... it doesn't necessarily mean you have some pent up thing you need to say.

 

 

People that get dumped usually don't plan on getting dumped, the pain comes as more of a shock and a lot of the time that shock feels like a loss/death. The grieving process involves denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and acceptance.

 

 

When you get dumped, one's initial reaction is usually to try and get the person back, it might also just be plain anger... regardless, usually they want to talk to the person that dumped them- and the dumper doesn't want that.

 

 

No contact is good for both parties because the grieving of the relationship needs to happen. Without it, there can be a cycle of breaking up and reconciling, or just constant fighting and obsessions.

 

 

No contact gives both people a chance to recollect their thoughts. Sometimes no contact even results in the relationship getting back together because they realized how much they missed each other, other times being separated from the person makes you realize you're better off without them.

[Altair0770]

It's why I advocate ghosting your dumper when you start NC. Don't keep any lines of communication open for you. You don't have to block their number, but delete it. Block it only if you can remember it (who does with phones these days?)

 

I often see a lot of dumpees come here thinking they can convince their dumpers to come back. Never happens, and if it does, it's a short term reconciliation.

 

I also see dumpees do "no contact" but fail at it by spying on their dumper and seeing their miserable (I'm guilty of that too). All it does it create false hope. A lot of dumpers still want their dumpee in their life, not realizing how selfish it is, but don't want a romantic relationship with them. They just want everything that person had to offer without the romance and commitment.

 

As far as depression goes... it is a loss. You often LOVED your dumper and they wrecked your heart. It's often related to a death of a loved one, because it really is. That person isn't coming back, but since they actually aren't dead, there's always that thought of a chance of them coming back.

 

I see a lot of people coming here starting NC but keeping tabs on their exes. That is *NOT* no contact. That is simply refusing to communicate with the dumper.

 

No contact is ghosting the dumper. They broke what you wanted so bad. But made you so "happy" (or so we think in our moment of weakness. After correct NC you start analyzing everything and negative things start popping up).

 

I see people still caring about their dumper. I mean, I can't blame them. They loved them. They wanted to share the world with them. BUT, the dumper made this decision. It's 100% on them. Sure there may be faults to both parties, but the dumper is the one that called it off.

 

Look folks, if you want that feeling ever again in your life. That happiness that your dumper gave you when you were together, GHOST THEM. It's tough at first, and will be for awhile, but it makes it so much easier and quicker once you've been in correct NC for a few months. It may not be with that dumper, but I promise you that at one point in your life you will not care at all.

 

It's reall simple when put on paper.

 

Dumper breaks up with you. Have your moment of sadness, ask them why. The next day you disappear. Block them on social media and set all your accounts to private. Delete all reminders of them so the only thing you have of them is memories. Delete their phone number (don't block it, just delete it so YOU can't contact them).

 

You think it's cruel to ghost them? THEY made this decision. They crushed your heart, and you're worried about their feelings? HELL NO. If they start texting you "wow you blocked me wtf?" Simply ignore it. I always say ignore all breadcrumbs until at least 3 months has passed unless they begging you to come back.

 

Consider being dumped as being set free. You don't have to give a damn about them anymore. Take this opportunity to be selfish until you are healed. It's about getting yourself back, not your ex. And a little bonus is they might, MIGHT come back. Nothing drives a dumper crazier than completely ghosting them. They *WILL* try to spy on you. Every dumper I know of does spy on their dumpee for awhile, and even after a long time has passed, still tries to. Ghost their ass so they have to text you if they want to know anything about you.

 

And get rid of mutual friends, or at least take a long break from them. Let them know you need a clean break and you'll contact them when you're ready. Also tell them to never give any updates about you to your ex.

 

AND SET YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA TO PRIVATE. Blocking isn't enough, they will send their best buddies to spy on you for them if you block them. You might not even know about those best buddies. Just set to private, check your followers/friends list or whatever else social media calls buddies, and make sure there is 0% chance your ex can see anything you post.

 

Ghosting them is the way to go. Remember, THEY made that decision.

 

 

And if you struggling not contacting your ex - you can only do harm to any chance at reconciliation if you contact them. It's all subconcious. Even a slight "hello" makes them think "oh he still likes me" and they'll throw their defenses up. Don't talk to them until they pleading for you to come back.

 

The sooner you enter NC the better. Don't try to reason with them for 2 weeks or whatever. It goes like this, in order.

 

1) get dumped

2) walk away

3) Ghost them

4) heal

5) meet a better person that actually loves you

[SadEgg]

I really want to contact my dumper and it's been a year.

 

And this quote makes sense to me.

"If suppression of your emotions equals depression, then EXPRESSION of your emotions must equal the OPPOSITE of depression."

 

I feel like I never expressed ANYTHING I was feeling when he broke up with me. I wanted to be nice and understanding. But now I have so much I want to say and sometimes I think if I contacted him and said them I would feel better but it might also make me feel worse...so I haven't yet.

Edited April 27, 2017 by SadEgg

[Kitchen]

I really want to contact my dumper and it's been a year.

 

And this quote makes sense to me.

"If suppression of your emotions equals depression, then EXPRESSION of your emotions must equal the OPPOSITE of depression."

 

I feel like I never expressed ANYTHING I was feeling when he broke up with me. I wanted to be nice and understanding. But now I have so much I want to say and sometimes I think if I contacted him and said them I would feel better but it might also make me feel worse...so I haven't yet.

 

This is an interesting thread. Believe it or not, I wanted to post something very similar today.

 

Here's my situation. I am 30 days NC off of only a 2.5 month, non-relationship, but still filled with intense emotions. And I feel like I've plateaued. I am doing everything I can: going out, dating/talking to other women, gym, all of that. But for some reason I just can't seem to recover. I don't even want her back.

 

Before this, last time I suffered heartbreak was the end of a 1 year relationship, after 1 year of friendship. And I got over that a lot quicker!

 

Among many differences between the two situations, was that I did not beg, plead, yell, fight in this most recent one. I went NC from day one and actually it ended on a positive note with an hour long sweet phone call.

 

In the end of my previous relationship, I begged/pleaded/fought/cursed/you name it, for like a full 2 months!

 

And right now, I just have this incredible urge to spill my guts out on this girl, send her an email, and really make her feel the guilt. She has no clue how she's made me feel, and I just want her to know. I'm okay with making her feel bad/turned off over it, since I don't want her back. The million dollar question is, will it make me feel better or worse, in the worst case scenario of her not replying?

 

But it's almost as if I just can't hold it in anymore. I'm starting to feel I really need to just tell her exactly how she's made me feel, even after 30 days of NC, just to help me move on.

 

I too, just like you and OP, am afraid this will never go away.

Edited April 27, 2017 by Kitchen

[SadEgg]

Kitchen: I'm glad you pointed that out. I was in a relationship prior to the one that I'm having a hard time getting over and I fought like crazy for that relationship... wrote him letters, talked it out with him till I knew I had nothing left to say. I felt foolish for a while after but moved on much faster. It probably helped that the relationship had been on a downward slide for a while as well but I expressed everything I was feeling.

 

And unfortunately somewhere along the line, I told myself I would never do that again. That I would have some pride next time.

 

So when my last ex broke up with me, I said nothing. I think I thought I would appear stronger if he didnt know he hurt me. But now I feel consumed by unexpressed emotions and I keep thinking it will go away but it hasnt.

 

Now I try and come up with excuses why I should contact him and then just as quickly make excuses why I shouldn't. And that's probably my biggest problem that keeps me from moving on. I'm not making my mind up about it one way or the other. I should either do it and deal with consequenses or truly decided not to do it. ever. Because if I'm honest with myself, nothing is probably going to make me feel any worse...even making a fool of myself or him thinking poorly of me or not responding at all...than this agonizing, lonely struggle to move on.

 

Kitchen: if you truly expressed what you needed to and you really don't care about getting back with your lady....would it really make you feel that awful if she didn't respond?

Edited April 27, 2017 by SadEgg

[Kitchen]

Kitchen: I'm glad you pointed that out. I was in a relationship prior to the one that I'm having a hard time getting over and I fought like crazy for that relationship... wrote him letters, talked it out with him till I knew I had nothing left to say. I felt foolish for a while after but moved on much faster. It probably helped that the relationship had been on a downward slide for a while as well but I expressed everything I was feeling.

 

And unfortunately somewhere along the line, I told myself I would never do that again. That I would have some pride next time.

 

So when my last ex broke up with me, I said nothing. I think I thought I would appear stronger if he didnt know he hurt me. But now I feel consumed by unexpressed emotions and I keep thinking it will go away but it hasnt.

 

Now I try and come up with excuses why I should contact him and then just as quickly make excuses why I shouldn't. And that's probably my biggest problem that keeps me from moving on. I'm not making my mind up about it one way or the other. I should either do it and deal with consequenses or truly decided not to do it. ever. Because if I'm honest with myself, nothing is probably going to make me feel any worse...even making a fool of myself or him thinking poorly of me or not responding at all...than this agonizing, lonely struggle to move on.

 

Kitchen: if you truly expressed what you needed to and you really don't care about getting back with your lady....would it really make you feel that awful if she didn't respond?

 

I really want to PM you about this because I feel like we are in an unbelievably similar situation, but you're a new member and I think you need to have 50 or so posts first! What's also unbelievable about this is that this is the exact opposite of what this forum recommends - to NOT fight for it, and to move on and never look back.

 

Yes, I really don't want to get back to her. So maybe it won't make me feel all that awful if she didn't respond, you're right. I'm just scared to death about that risk. I'm human after all, and genetically programmed to hate being ignored, lol.

[SadEgg]

Well, I'm posting more, so it probably won't be long till I have 50 posts.

 

Yeah, I noticed that about the NC thing. I'm not anti-no contact. I think it is great and serves a very important purpose. I understand why they push it ...because in the end it is absolutely necessary to move on. But I also think everyone is different and we all deal with things in our own way and that might mean taking different paths on the road to eventual 'No Contact.'

 

Some people can move on, after one slight, without a second thought. (And that's great. I wish I could do that.) But I also think other people cant let go unless they lay it all on the line, leave no stone unturned...or even worse, have to get their heart smushed a few times by someone before they finally go...ya know what? I don't think this person should matter to me any more.

 

I'm clearly struggling to move on, even with NC, so maybe I missed a step. I don't know. That's what I need to figure out.

 

Kitchen: I get it. Being ignored is awful, even if it's by someone you don't care about. I look forward to hearing what decision you make!

[elaine567]

And right now, I just have this incredible urge to spill my guts out on this girl, send her an email, and really make her feel the guilt. She has no clue how she's made me feel, and I just want her to know. I'm okay with making her feel bad/turned off over it, since I don't want her back. The million dollar question is, will it make me feel better or worse, in the worst case scenario of her not replying?

 

 

Your ego is hurt so you want to lash out and make her feel as badly as you do.

 

BUT it doesn't tend to work like that.

The dumper is in a totally different place, frankly they just do not care, well not as much as the dumpee does anyway.

 

I think there is a misconception that when there is a break up that both are left reeling, that both are hurting badly and that both are "damaged". but that isn't true and when the dumpee finds that the dumper has just moved seamlessly on, they feel cheated, they feel foolish.

This was the "love of the century" for them, but the dumpee got over it in a nanosecond. How can that be? That's not fair.

They want to balance out the hurt, why are they in the depths of despair whilst the dumper doesn't appear to have a care in the world? They want to contact the dumper and transfer some of that hurt and upset onto them.

 

BUT when you don't care you just don't care and no matter how many emotions; anger, disappointment, hurt, despair, grief etc. is poured into that letter or discussed in texts, phone calls or meetings, the dumper is fundamentally usually unmoved or may go "OMG I am glad I am out of that" or go "OMG, he/she is crazy..."

 

Very, very rarely does the dumpee get the response they really want, as the dumper usually feels they did the right thing and no amount of stuff designed to guilt trip them into feeling badly about it, will work.

[Kitchen]

Your ego is hurt so you want to lash out and make her feel as badly as you do.

 

BUT it doesn't tend to work like that.

The dumper is in a totally different place, frankly they just do not care, well not as much as the dumpee does anyway.

 

I think there is a misconception that when there is a break up that both are left reeling, that both are hurting badly and that both are "damaged". but that isn't true and when the dumpee finds that the dumper has just moved seamlessly on, they feel cheated, they feel foolish.

This was the "love of the century" for them, but the dumpee got over it in a nanosecond. How can that be? That's not fair.

They want to balance out the hurt, why are they in the depths of despair whilst the dumper doesn't appear to have a care in the world? They want to contact the dumper and transfer some of that hurt and upset onto them.

 

BUT when you don't care you just don't care and no matter how many emotions; anger, disappointment, hurt, despair, grief etc. is poured into that letter or discussed in texts, phone calls or meetings, the dumper is fundamentally usually unmoved or may go "OMG I am glad I am out of that" or go "OMG, he/she is crazy..."

 

Very, very rarely does the dumpee get the response they really want, as the dumper usually feels they did the right thing and no amount of stuff designed to guilt trip them into feeling badly about it, will work.

 

I think you're right in that I shouldn't lash out because likely it'll make me feel worse.

 

If she doesn't respond, I'll feel worse. If she takes days or week(s) to respond, the wait itself would be too long and agonizing to make it worth it. Not responding or waiting will make me feel like a moron for assuming that she's a rational person.

 

This is all assuming I get no, or a long waited, response.

 

Maybe there's only like a 20% chance of this, and a 80% chance she replies with genuine remorse and acknowledgement.

 

But that 20% risk of feeling worse is too high, at least for now.

 

My biggest concern is...is this holding me back from progressing? This urge to throw it all out there, something I didn't do on the day of, will this urge continue to interfere with my focus? I really ****ing hope not.

 

This thing has taught me an important lesson, as it has to SadEgg and the OP. It's good to express yourself! Don't hold emotions in. I should have taken the opportunity when I had it. I'm not saying this means you fight and plead for weeks. But to some degree it's healthier to express that anger/sadness, before walking away. Not only does this make you feel better - but anger in particular might even earn you a bit of respect. People need to be put in their place. Argh!

 

This is shaping up to be my biggest regret with this whole experience.

 

To be completely honest - I look back at my previous relationship, where I fought for like 2 months and I don't regret doing so. Ok, I wish I didn't do it for 2 months. But I feel satisfied in knowing that I did everything I possibly could, and expressed everything I possibly felt.

Edited April 28, 2017 by Kitchen

[stillafool]

If you want to express your anger to your ex just write a letter to them - but don't mail it. It will help you get everything out without interruption. The Dumper more than likely would only read the first paragraph then throw it away if you sent the letter. Any questions you have that you want answered by the Dumper will just bring about more questions that won't be answered.

[1966Seahorse]

... and I will keep this short as I could make it very long!! ....

 

So, I have been in the situation, twice, of being dumped and sitting down and writing all my feelings in a long letter and mailing it to my dumper.

 

In the first case, I had been seeing someone for a while ... everything about the relationship was absolutely fine ... he would talk about the future ... when I visited him in his house he would say things like "and this room will be (my son's) bedroom" ... etc. etc. ... then totally out of the blue - like a light switch- he stopped contacting me - nothing triggered this, no argument, nothing - we only had contact (phone only) if I rang him ... he instantly acted like I was a "disease" towards him, acting very distantly, - for reasons totally unknown ... anyway, the phone contact very quickly dropped to "zero" as I decided not to call to see if he contacted me again - he didn't. So ... I wrote a long letter explaining how happy I had been in our relationship, the things I had been looking forward to in the future that we had discussed and, finally, the things that had happened that I didn't understand. I guess I was looking for answers from him.

 

Once I knew he would have received the letter I called him ... he acknowledged the fact that he had received the letter ... and ... he just remained exactly the same - distant ... he had nothing to say about the content of my letter ... and at the end of the very short conversation said he was seeing someone from work (a divorcee with three children).

 

To say I was stunned (after he put the phone down on me and told me not to contact him again) was the understatement of that year ... and I instantly went in to depression mode ... sending my letter had given me no answers whatsoever as to why he had checked out of the relationship without telling me.

 

This relationship ended approximately 16 years ago and although I am now totally over it .... I would say about 6 months ago I did put his name in Google, and his profession, and where he told me he was moving to with his "new woman" (in that last phone call) and ... sure enough I found him ... I found "her" .... saw she had three children and she also had his surname, so they got married.

 

The second time was after I met someone who was going through separation/divorce ... we started dating etc. etc. ... plans were made for the future .... he had to occasionally work about 300 miles away for work and used to "kip down" at a colleagues house to help break the journey - this female colleague was divorced with a couple of children but he always insisted she was "just a colleague" ... however whenever he was at "hers" he made sure his phone was always off and NEVER contacted me.

 

So .. his divorce gets finalised ... he gets his house "done up" a bit then out of the blue says he is looking to move - work related (about 150 - 200 miles away) ... but still includes me and my son in the equation .... his house purchase goes through and - you guessed it - he instantly becomes unavailable and stops contacting me .... again I went in to instant depression mode ... and eventually wrote him a long letter - again with my feelings and looking for answers ... no reply ever came ... I now realise I was just a "rebound" ... but the pain was like having a partner die.

 

It took me quite a few years to get over this second one .... I had invested everything I had in me in to this relationship.

 

The main lesson I have learnt is that although we expect to be treated how we treat others .... this does not always happen ... and you cannot make someone love you back if they don't want to - no matter how much you invest in to them/the both of you .... yes, it is totally heartbreaking ..... in my case letters were certainly a waste of my time and effort (just like the relationships) ... in hindsight, do I feel silly writing my letters - no, just disappointment that they fell on deaf ears with no guilt on the other parties part for how I was treated. I see myself now as being the better person in both relationships and I deserved more from them ... I gave my all, unconditionally, and ended up being used to fill a "gap" in their lives, someone to play with for now.

 

I did read somewhere a while ago that if you feel the need to vent to your dumper .... yes, write that letter .... but dig a hole in your garden .... and bury it deep .... then turn around and move on.

 

Sorry ... this was a bit longer than planned!!

[SadEgg]

I've tried the 'writing letters without sending them' thing and unfortunately have not found it to be helpful but I know it works for others.

 

I'm all messed up though.

 

I've always done what I'm not supposed to do and been fine but this ex got to me and I care.

 

If I didn't care, I probably would write him (or do whatever I thought would help me) because what do I have to lose at this point- nothing. We are already not friends, he's already aware from our friendship that I'm crazy (we encouraged and bonded over our crazy sides)... so no surprise there.

 

But then again, if I didn't care, I probably wouldn't feel the need to write him a letter, now would I.

 

Which goes back to the original point of this thread...why do dumpees feel the need to contact their dumper...because we still care? Because we feel sad and that person was once a source of joy? Because we still feel angry, sad, confused, lost...hopeful? Because we want control...

 

Reaching out to your dumper is not necessarily the best choice or the sane thing to do but I can see how to someone lost at sea, it sure might look like an anchor to grab on to....even if everyone says it's not.

Edited April 28, 2017 by SadEgg

[GeekLover]

I've tried the 'writing letters without sending them' thing and unfortunately have not found it to be helpful but I know it works for others.

 

I'm all messed up though.

 

I've always done what I'm not supposed to do and been fine but this ex got to me and I care.

 

If I didn't care, I probably would write him (or do whatever I thought would help me) because what do I have to lose at this point- nothing. We are already not friends, he's already aware from our friendship that I'm crazy (we encouraged and bonded over our crazy sides)... so no surprise there.

 

But then again, if I didn't care, I probably wouldn't feel the need to write him a letter, now would I.

 

Which goes back to the original point of this thread...why do dumpees feel the need to contact their dumper...because we still care? Because we feel sad and that person was once a source of joy? Because we still feel angry, sad, confused, lost...hopeful? Because we want control...

 

Reaching out to your dumper is not necessarily the best choice or the sane thing to do but I can see how to someone lost at sea, it sure might look like an anchor to grab on to....even if everyone says it's not.

 

I think it's this.

 

When we're dumped, we lose all control over the relationship...or so it seems.

 

However, I have recently started to REALLY find my strength, and with this comes some clarity:

 

Once the dumper dumps, they pass that torch to us dumpees. They made the ultimate decision which was originally out of our control, but it is THEM who need to now deal with the guilt, the second guesses, the regret and the what if's..not us.

 

If they never come back, then good riddance...it's clear it would have never worked if they could walk away. Neither of us have control anyway if this is the case. The relationship is over. But a lot of us, at some point, experience either breadcrumbs, or a dumper returning in some capacity.

 

THAT'S when we start to take note of the shift in control, but it's there well before that...

Edited April 29, 2017 by GeekLover

[BG1]

I've tried the 'writing letters without sending them' thing and unfortunately have not found it to be helpful but I know it works for others.

 

I'm all messed up though.

 

I've always done what I'm not supposed to do and been fine but this ex got to me and I care.

 

If I didn't care, I probably would write him (or do whatever I thought would help me) because what do I have to lose at this point- nothing. We are already not friends, he's already aware from our friendship that I'm crazy (we encouraged and bonded over our crazy sides)... so no surprise there.

 

But then again, if I didn't care, I probably wouldn't feel the need to write him a letter, now would I.

 

Which goes back to the original point of this thread...why do dumpees feel the need to contact their dumper...because we still care? Because we feel sad and that person was once a source of joy? Because we still feel angry, sad, confused, lost...hopeful? Because we want control...

 

Reaching out to your dumper is not necessarily the best choice or the sane thing to do but I can see how to someone lost at sea, it sure might look like an anchor to grab on to....even if everyone says it's not.

 

Have you thought of writing them in hand and burn them or buried them? Some people find comfort in this kind of rituals.

 

The reason you are looking, in my opinion, has to do with the process of dealing with loss. The dumper has already had time to come to terms with the situation and the decision (not telling the other part) while the dumpees had little space/time to deal with such an abrupt decision from the other side that feels powerless and left behind. With time, some realisations may come and the need to share or express feelings will follow. Also, it can be the fear/denial of the situation or rejection.

[Altair0770]

You regain control when you do NC and you know they want to stay in contact. My ex was a complete narcissist. Long story short is she love bombed me. Talked about kids very early, and were telling fellow mutual friends that they will be attending our wedding. Started to look for places in my area where we could move. I went and visited her for the first time (we met online in a game). Turns out I wasn't her fantasy because she failed to mention she has PTSD and I triggered her.

 

There is a game, but the game is BS. Love shouldn't be a game of power and control, and when it turns into that, it's a bad, unhealthy relationship. It sucks losing someone you loved. It double sucks when that person you loved never existed and was just a show so they didn't feel like the low self-esteem pile of filth they are.

 

Find someone that loves you. Yeah it's hard to do when you still linger onto hope that they will come back and the only thing keeping you from a complete mental breakdown is that one day they may ring you up, but with NC you remain in control of yourself, and that's what is important. They no longer have a leash around your neck trying to pull you along. You control yourself, and you eventually start to heal.

 

Breaking NC is like being a dog with a leash in your mouth saying "please walk me".

 

Why be a pet when you could be wild and free?

 

Always take your time to heal. It's okay to still love your dumper, even months after. It's okay to still wish you were with them. But you WILL heal as long as you let the process happen. NC isn't an instant cure.

[Gillys]

After being forced to be around mutual friends of my ex recently, I've had a bigger urge to break no contact. I've been NC for over 150 days but my urge for contact comes from wanting to know why she blind sidedly dumped me via text after pressuring me to open up to her for so long. (All of her arguments stemmed from me not opening up in the beginning/ "communication" as she fell faster than I did). I started opening up and sharing more probably 7 months before the break up and trusting that she wanted a long term thing. I just want to know why she pressured me if she only saw us as a temporary deal. It makes no sense to me to talk about a future, make love days before leaving me, telling me she loved me hours before dumping me.

 

I know hearing the answers prob won't help me heal 100% and will prob make me feel worse and WILL make me look clingy and crazy if I asks a year later. I tried asking after the BU for months but she always refused to talk about it and would change the subject. The only thing keeping me from breaking NC is that I know she'll show her friends and mine the message to make fun of me (she became very superficial and cruel when she went to her new partner)

[ML Hammer95]

Having felt the power that comes with NC, genuinely not thinking they'll come back and feeling yourself improve, and the feeling of reaching out to that person I am a 100% advocate of No Contact. For yourself.

 

Make sure you can't see their life and they can't see yours either over social media. Your mind will be thinking of them enough anyway without seeing evidence of them living their life without you. It is totally okay to feel sad for a while too... I know there have been times I have cried at night but those times will ultimately make you stronger.

 

You'd be amazed the amount of exes that come back too. Girls especially are used to guys orbiting them and messaging them. It validates them and makes them feel like they've got their pick. So by completely withdrawing yourself, you are going to intrigue her after a while especially if she had feelings for you. Which is always a pleasant ego boost if you think that way.

 

Ultimately you got to look out for yourself.

[sorano]

As stated earlier, The person who dumped you is in a different stage. They left. They did NOT choose you. You were not the right fit for them. No matter how many times you beg, plead, tell them how bad they hurt you, they honestly just don't care. I tried it myself. They just don't care. No amount of tears will change there decision. It sounds heartless, but its just the truth. It hurts. It sucks.

 

I had my ex show me wedding rings, talk about kids, a house, all that stuff. The one day it wasn't true. she said she wasn't happy and left. I wanted to sit her down on a chair and just explode on how she hurt me. Make her see what she did. It wouldn't do anything. she would still leave.

 

I have learned and come to terms that, one cannot force a person to stay. If they want to leave, then they will leave. Is it messed up how they go about it? promise you things, tell you that they love you, etc etc to just then leave? Yes. I hate it. It hurts a lot.

[LonelyJedi]

Because it is an addiction... you have been addicted to this person for so long that went it abruptly ends, your body goes into panic mode.

 

I have only been the dumper once... I guess I cannot bring myself to dump somebody, especially if I love them. I know how much pain it causes the dumpee, no deserves that treatment no matter what their crimes. (unless it is cheating or killing someone)

[NotASkunk]

I think we contact them because of anger and unresolved conflicts. You have to get past that or you will never get closure. you will never be heard, that you will never be believed. That is not your fault nor is it your problem. It's not easy. I get fits of rage where I just feel like being heard and it's impossible to resist the urge to reach out in an effort to make myself heard. But, and what it really boils down to, is that if they never heard you from the beginning they're not gonna hear you now. I have been accused of so many things I did not do that in a way it's almost laughable at this point. Sad but still worth a laugh. One thing that still rankles with me as I was accused of sexual infidelity with my exes brother. Completely pulled out of the blue on his end. I didn't do anything wrong in the slightest way. I think some people just want to believe what they want to believe because of their own problems and issues. And I get that we all have our issues. It doesn't make it any easier knowing that I never cheated on him which I have been constantly accused of but he cheated on me dozens of times and from the very beginning. Seriously, it's much better being on your own and having a lover or two and not getting pulled into other people's drama.

[headspins]

Its like a double edge sword to be in such the position of being in love with another. Having such strong feelings/emotions towards them and by the time you may come to realize where You've put yourself? To be brutally honest I'm not entirely convinced that you may even be fully aware of this as can take on a life of its own. Spiraling so outta control.Completely putting yoself out there bare exposing your deepest thoughts. Sharing such intimate feelings and all the while you remain oblivious abt how the other person may feel. I've always been real good having such an imagination &capable of putting myself in another's shoes. To a certain extent anyways. The double edge sword is being in it and feeling like you're the only 1 and than trying to communicate tirelessly and get always nothing. You try to leave but you just can't. You've got such a strong connection to this person and now you've become attached. Addicted to them.. Never able to get enough of them and just clinging to hope each and every day of the week and weeks turning to months. Before you know it yrs pass and you're no further along the communication has dwindled to an all time dysfunctional low probably consistent of a power struggle. Sense of control can be seen so easily just within a few exchanges of text msgs. Whether each I dividual is respecting the other and having somewhat of a give and take type of rapport.. Personally speaking from my own experience I witnessed such selfishness and immaturity that it had become so ridiculously embarrassing to be a part of. Its 1 thing to have been fearful and perhaps foolish by taking a chance,but this never ever means that we are stupid people. That can be treated like such. Just how ridiculous it had gotten for me and for it to have exhaustively gotten to certain point ? I cldnt help but feel sorry for this woman.. To display such childish like behavior and having no problem just disappearing. No explanation no nothing most of the time. Twas always I don't wanna engage and I will not be a part of such negativity. When she cld get the good type feelings the positive vibe she was front and center,but if there was any kind of issue that of course only I had arised she was nowhere to be. In a NY sec she wld be gone. Nothing.. It was the most frustrating and annoying thng to have to try to deal with and I wasn't ever able to overcome it.. Not surprisingly the last day of communication i had called her out on the most bizarre exchange of texts we had. Looking bck in retrospect there were so many xs that she had tried to get away but didn't want to be reared as being the "bad guy" just cldnt handle the possible guilt. Again the selfishness and reasoning as to how it had to be in order for her to go the other way. Sabotage was how she would be able to free herself finally and so there it was. An odd day of communicating with 1 another she had told me to enjoy the chicken I was gonna have for dinner and also enjoy the movie. Movie?!

 

What movie are you talking abt I asked? I never told you I was watching a movie I told her. I have no idea what the heck you're saying and she ends up telling me "Ohh I am referring to the 1 this AM". I was beside myself. I was speechless. Chaos ruled and it was her that brought it creating such confusion and problems. Tis so sad to me.

 

 

 

 

 

I can imagine it being difficult for the person that is not reciprocal towards the 1 that's revealed their feelings towards them. Despite the fact that they may seem cold,distant, inconsiderate and so very selfish? There is no way that they do not have some kind of feelings of guilt..I blv that this was the primary reason as to why my supposed soulmate,TF, more realistically based on what had transpired between her and I wld be karmic mate or whatever. It feels so good to have given it my all. To have invested my feelings and emotions into another granted it wasn't someone that even remotely felt anything for me but at least I don't ever have to look bck and say I didn't try,or wasn't honest and behaved so poorly while having such an unbelievable experience and ultimately what cld of been the best opportunity and chance at having something so beautiful so sweet.. Tis cowardice to run and keep running and lemme ask this question-whom is it that they are hurting the most?