So very lost

[elaine567]

As she is a single OW, she will most likely be pressing for him to leave you. (not all do, but enough do see themselves as the new Mrs MM and will press and press until he gives in or walks away from her)

As you have kids and a long marriage, he probably doesn't want to do that, so he likely just wants to maintain both women indefinitely. A cake eater basically.

 

That is unless your marriage is so bad, that he considers this an exit affair and she is essentially your "replacement". He may thus just be biding his time until he can find a good time to leave.

 

Whatever it is, you need to stop worrying about him and start making sure you are prepared for divorce. You need to know your legal rights and you need to protect your assets. YOU need to have some money set by, so that when he takes you to court, which he may do, you are able to fight it.

 

He is no longer your best friend, he no longer has your back, he no longer is on your side, he no longer can be trusted, so you need to alter your perception of him and start thinking about you and your children and what is best for you and them now.

 

This may or may not lead to divorce, but you need to be prepared for all eventualities.

He has been having this affair for a while, so he is miles ahead of you. He may know his rights, he may be stashing away cash, raiding joint accounts, selling assets etc. etc.

YOU cannot just sit there and hope it all turns out OK as you love him.

You need to get your own ducks in a row.

Edited May 7, 2017 by elaine567

[Coffeelove]

I know that my husband is cheating and I have known for a little while. He just keeps denying and say I'm freaking out over nothing. I know 100% that he is having an affair, there is no doubt, I have messages seen between the both of them.

 

I know that I need to give him an ultimatum. But I'm terrified. I'm scared of losing him. I'm scared of losing my life. I'm scared for my kids. I know logically everything I need to do and why I need to do it, but I feel frozen with fear.

Meanwhile I'm dying inside, so hurt and so betrayed.

 

I wish I was the type of person who could just get angry and throw him out, but I'm not.

[Coffeelove]

I think something that affects me is that my father was a serial adulterer until my mum finally threw his out. His actions have greatly shaped the person I have become.

[BluesPower]

Well sweetheart you had better get mad...

 

Read what some of the people that were weak and scared went through and how long it took them to get there.

 

Here are the facts:

 

1) He is having an affair.

2) You have proof.

3) Of course he is lying about it.

 

Look, have you calmly talked with him and shown him the proof? If so you need to file for divorce. And you need to do it tomorrow. I really mean tomorrow.

 

He will have to think if this woman is worth losing you and his family and all of that money if you follow through with the divorce.

 

This may be all you have to wake him up, and yet you may have to follow through with the divorce.

 

He has a responsibility to provide for you and the children, that is how it works.

 

Are you comfortable sharing your husband with another woman just so that you will not loose your lifestyle?

 

I hope not. I know that all of this hurts but you cannot be weak or live in fear. You have to take strong decisive action...

[Mrs. John Adams]

what do you want from the LS family?

[reboot]

You have to decide which is the lesser of the two evils, Can you live with his cheating without it destroying you? Most can't.

[Coffeelove]

what do you want from the LS family?

 

I guess support, some real life examples of how people finally confronted their husband. How I can get him to admit. Maybe what happened if they lived with the lie and put up with betrayl.

 

As I mentioned before, I can't just file for divorce in my country. You have to be legally separated for 12 months before you can. If I ask him to leave, I don't think he will. I can't leave as I have nowhere to go. No friends, no family where I live. It is illegal for me to take my children to where my family is.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I guess support, some real life examples of how people finally confronted their husband. How I can get him to admit. Maybe what happened if they lived with the lie and put up with betrayl.

 

As I mentioned before, I can't just file for divorce in my country. You have to be legally separated for 12 months before you can. If I ask him to leave, I don't think he will. I can't leave as I have nowhere to go. No friends, no family where I live. It is illegal for me to take my children to where my family is.

 

then file for legal seperation and proceed from there legally within your country

 

you cannot force your husband to confess...you can only control you. So you take charge and do what you can to show him that you will no longer be his second choice.

 

I find it hard to beleive you have no friends that would help you. if this is true...you have no friends... no family.. no one to help you..then i guess you are screwed becasue you live in a horrible situation. Family does not have to live close by to help.

 

If my daughter needed me...I would get there to help her.

 

You come here making these statements and yet how can any of us tell you what you need to do.

 

Take charge within the law...and take control of what you can

[Coffeelove]

 

I find it hard to beleive you have no friends that would help you. if this is true...you have no friends... no family.. no one to help you..then i guess you are screwed becasue you live in a horrible situation. Family does not have to live close by to help.

 

 

You come here making these statements and yet how can any of us tell you what you need to do.

 

Take charge within the law...and take control of what you can

 

We have to be living apart to be legally separated, there is no legal action I can really take at the present other than walking out the door. I cannot legally take my children away from the city I live in. I have spoken to a lawyer about all this.

 

My mother has dementia and lives 1000km from me. My brother takes care of her, so is not in a position to offer any real assistance.

All my friends live 1000km too, have babies or very young families while working, they could listen but they are also my husband's friends.

 

I'm in a new city where I don't have any friends, apart from people I know to say hello to.

 

I guess I'm just venting. Of course you can't tell me what to do. It's just a very hard situation to be in when the person who has always been my support for the past 20 years is the one betraying me now.

 

I apologise, maybe I have come to the wrong spot.

[viatori patuit]

No, you are in the correct spot. If what you say is true then you need this place more than someone who has more control.

 

So, to give you some ideas here are some options:

 

1. Show him everything. Who cares if it is perfect or totally calm. Just do it. Let him know what you know and see what he says.

 

2. Research living options in the city you live in. Check shelters, Craig's list, anything. Particularly look for wealthy people who need a housekeeper. Not glamorous but it will get you out of the house with your children. Do not give up on this option, something will present itself.

 

3. Walk out now. Without the kids. Start the clock and watch what happens. Very risky, but what exactly is your sanity worth?

 

 

Whatever you do, don't stop posting here. It might be your only outlet.

 

Good luck.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I honestly do not know what we can say or do to help you to make the right choices or do the right thing

 

We do not know the laws where you are and I personally don't know what to say since you seem to have somethinga road block to keep you from acting legally against him.

 

If you have no personal friend to assist you.. if you have no legal recourse

 

Then it appears you are screwed

 

I am sorry but I do not have any knowledge how to assist you

[sweetgirl75]

He needs to man up and be a good husband and father. If he is not willing to try marriage counseling get you a good attorney and make sure he pays child support. He sounds like he has had his chance to straighten up. You deserve a good man. He is putting your health at risk because no telling what his mistress has been exposed to. I'm sorry you are going through this

[johngalt1149]

If it's Germany it's one year if both agree, if only one agrees it's 3 years to get the divorce.

[wmacbride]

We have to be living apart to be legally separated, there is no legal action I can really take at the present other than walking out the door. I cannot legally take my children away from the city I live in. I have spoken to a lawyer about all this.

 

My mother has dementia and lives 1000km from me. My brother takes care of her, so is not in a position to offer any real assistance.

All my friends live 1000km too, have babies or very young families while working, they could listen but they are also my husband's friends.

 

I'm in a new city where I don't have any friends, apart from people I know to say hello to.

 

I guess I'm just venting. Of course you can't tell me what to do. It's just a very hard situation to be in when the person who has always been my support for the past 20 years is the one betraying me now.

 

I apologise, maybe I have come to the wrong spot.

 

I can totally understand your confusion. Anybody in your position would be feeling lost.

 

Right now, your husband is not your friend. He is not capable of being honest with you, and you can't trust him to think of you or even your children first. You need to do that.

 

First off, book appointments with a lawyer and counselor. I know you've seen a lawyer already, but I would so so again. Ask about your rights and responsibilities and ask them to set out a timeline of what you need to d to protect yourself and your children. Again, don't count on your ws for anything right now, except to do the wrong thing.

 

Next, start what is often termed " the 180". I know it's counterintuative, but it's important for you to find some grounding, and it can help. Be polite to your husband, but that's it. Set up a spot for yourself ( or him) to sleep and do no share a bed. Don't be friendly and do nothing for him. Put yourself and your children first. Sign up to volunteer, join a club, find a group on Meetup, do something, anything to get yourself out of the house for a little while. It will also help you to meet new people and build a life of your own.

 

Look after yourself. Eat, drink,get rest when you can. Join a gym, take a spa day and do some nice things for yourself. Take a class, learn new skills and build your confidence back up.

 

The whole goal of the 180 isn't to catch your ws's attention, it's to help yourself.

 

Also, don't talk to your h about the affair right ow. he's not capable of being honest about it, and you can't trust him.