Wanting to leave a good relationship

[LostandLonging]

Hi everyone

 

First time here and looking for some advice.

 

Ok so this is a bit of a tough one. I am 37 this year and been in a relationship with my partner (56) for the past 13 years.

 

I have been in relationships non-stop since I was 17 and have reached a point where I don’t want to be in one anymore. I want to be alone, and when I say alone I don’t mean “single”. I have no interest in dating or partying. I mean ALONE. Making decisions for me and me only.

 

For the past 20 years I feel like I’ve been living someone else’s life. The life that was expected of me rather than the one I’ve wanted.

 

Every huge decision in my current relationship has been one I “went along” with, not one I actually shared any passion for. For example buying our house. While I love the place, I would be just as happy living in a small studio apartment and renting. But everyone told me how much I NEED to have a house so reluctantly, I poured the money I had saved for 9 years into it.

 

Passions aside my heart just isn’t in this anymore. I am there in body only at the moment, just going through the motions.

 

My partner is a WONDERFUL person who has always treated me with the utmost respect and caring. He has done absolutely nothing wrong, I feel though I am the one who has changed. How on earth do I explain this to him? How do I explain it to MYSELF? I can’t put it into words, I just FEEL. Is it the age difference? Has anyone ever been through something similar??

Edited April 27, 2017 by LostandLonging

[S2B]

It's wise to be true to yourself.

 

Why don't you sell the house and move? Then date your partner when you see fit...or not.

 

See a counselor to become stronger as you go along and make progress - that way you have support and guidance.

 

Try not to isolate - that can be depressing.

[LostandLonging]

Thank you for your reply.

 

Oh I absolutely don’t want to isolate. I love having people around me, I just don’t need any of my major decisions to involve them like they do my partner.

 

I’ve never lived life entirely on my terms. It’s something I’m desperate for. But when it means hurting someone so much I just don’t know what to do.

 

I keep trying to remind myself I need to be true to me, AND to him!

[Ronni_W]

I want to be alone, and when I say alone <snip> I mean ALONE. Making decisions for me and me only.

 

For the past 20 years I feel like I’ve been living someone else’s life. The life that was expected of me rather than the one I’ve wanted.

 

Every huge decision in my current relationship has been one I “went along” with,

LostandLonging,

 

You say that you want to be able to make (have the freedom, autonomy to make) decisions for you and you alone. But then you also say that you haven't made ANY (important, significant) decision for the past 20 years...not for yourself OR anyone else, is how I'm interpreting it.

 

Have you considered that you do not necessarily need to leave your good relationship in order to be assertive and contribute to the decision-making in your household?

I mean...instead of first jumping ship, you do have the option of staying where you are in the physical sense and unraveling/changing some of your own psychology that has caused you to, up until this point, just "go along" with life and the people around you. Perhaps with the help of a professional therapist, life coach or even spiritual mentor.

 

I got divorced at about your age, after a similarly lengthy relationship. It ain't no picnic. And, I especially wouldn't advise it without first at least making attempts to

improve how you are doing things in this relationship. If not, you may severely regret it later; and, for the sake of another 12 months - in what you describe as an otherwise good relationship situation - perhaps you don't want to risk such regret.

[Mr. Lucky]

Have you considered that you do not necessarily need to leave your good relationship in order to be assertive and contribute to the decision-making in your household?

 

Agreed.

 

LostandLonging, going to accept at face value your description of your partner as "a WONDERFUL person who has always treated me with the utmost respect and caring". So he hasn't held you back or failed to consider your input - you've done it (or at least allowed it to be done) to yourself. Were it me, I'd want to understand why that is, why you haven't spoken up and taken responsibility for and control of your own life ???

 

That knowledge would be valuable and would serve you well regardless of the path you take. As Ronni said, that's where I'd start...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lolablue17]

I have a wife and kids, and I can tell you that theoretically i have the freedom to decide almost all decisions by my self. Yet, most of my decisions are not really independent. Most of them related to career limitations or my children. Truly my wife limits me very little in the equation.

 

I might add that although my wife gives me a lot of freedom (Extremely much more than the usual), i like sharing many of my decisions with her. Or with my friends. and other members of the family.

 

Believe me, this FREEDOM you're craving for so passionately is just a fake term that got into your had. It may nice for a short while, because it will be new and different. But very quickly you will ask yourself - "Is this what I was craving for so many years? really?"

 

So I advice you to tell everything to your partner, and ask for some freedom in the relationship. If you promise him not to date others in that time, he might be very supportive.

 

If you don't want to commit to not dating others, that all of your nice words about not wanting to date are... Ahm ahm...

[LostandLonging]

Thank you all for your contributions.

 

I didn’t want to mention this at first because I thought people might latch on to it and not pay much attention to anything else I’ve said and/or think I’m an awful ogre, but I’ve never been attracted to my partner physically. When I met him he gave me safety and security and always has, however sex has been a chore for as long as I can remember, leading to a completely sexless relationship for the past 5 years or so. It’s odd, we still get along so well and enjoy one another’s company thoroughly. There is never any hostility or snarky remarks about the lack of sex, but it certainly feels like much more of a friendship.

 

The hard part is I have no DESIRE to work on it. I am not attracted to him and it’s as simple as that. No amount of “spicing up” or therapy is going to ignite a spark that was never lit.

 

I don’t want to go sleeping around with people (REALLY), but I don’t want to be in a sexless relationship with someone either. Am I just holding on to him for the safety still?

[LostandLonging]

I'd want to understand why that is, why you haven't spoken up and taken responsibility for and control of your own life ???

 

 

I think it’s a classic case of going alongwith society’s expectations because it’s just easier than having to explain myself.

 

I’ll try and explain what I mean.

 

I live your typical “great from the outside” life. House, car, job, partner, luxuries. If it were up to me I would live in a small apartment with a warm bed and do nothing but travel alone. Volunteer overseas and see a different country every year – maybe even twice a year! I don’t need a car. We both work close to home and live in the City. I don’t need a mortgage. Buying that place was his dream, not mine. The day I poured my life savings into that place I literally threw up. I was THIS close to hopping on a plane and never coming back. Why didn’t I? “Because you NEED to have a car!!! You NEED to buy a house!!!” everyone around me said. "Travelling all the time? Don’t be crazy! What kind of a life is that? Don't be so immature and irresponsible”

 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a fool who thinks I can quit my job and join some hippy troupe selling paintings by the side of the road and travel from place to place for the rest of my life. I am aware I need to have a full time job and some sort of grounding, but, Jesus, not this much. It’s draining me. So what’s the alternative? Taking our menial savings and going travelling on my own, leaving him with no money? Galavanting around living my dreams while he sits at home waiting for me to be done?

[LostandLonging]

If you don't want to commit to not dating others, that all of your nice words about not wanting to date are... Ahm ahm...

 

What does that mean?

[LostandLonging]

Believe me, this FREEDOM you're craving for so passionately is just a fake term that got into your had. It may nice for a short while, because it will be new and different. But very quickly you will ask yourself - "Is this what I was craving for so many years? really?"

 

 

How do you know that? I know people who have gone from LTRs to singledom and said it was the best choice they ever made. I am not necessarily saying that would be me, but isn't everyone different?

Edited April 28, 2017 by LostandLonging

[Mr. Lucky]

Thank you all for your contributions.

 

I didn’t want to mention this at first because I thought people might latch on to it and not pay much attention to anything else I’ve said and/or think I’m an awful ogre, but I’ve never been attracted to my partner physically. When I met him he gave me safety and security and always has, however sex has been a chore for as long as I can remember, leading to a completely sexless relationship for the past 5 years or so. It’s odd, we still get along so well and enjoy one another’s company thoroughly. There is never any hostility or snarky remarks about the lack of sex, but it certainly feels like much more of a friendship.

 

In the news business, this is called "burying the lead". Knowing this would have allowed posters to give you better feedback, it's certainly a big part of the disconnect.

 

I'd guess your desire for "alone time" would disappear the moment you met someone who caused sparks to fly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ronni_W]

The hard part is I have no DESIRE to work on it. I am not attracted to him and it’s as simple as that.

LostandLonging,

 

I get the part about wanting a healthier sexual relationship with your partner; and I get the part about not wanting to work to make this particular relationship work. But I don't get your actual reason for posting here...unless there is also something in you that is looking for a reason to stay?

 

If truly you are ready to leave, then, as difficult as it may feel, that's what you need to do. Life isn't meant to just struggle and suffer through. It doesn't matter if or not anyone else has been through a similar situation...just follow your own heart.

 

You have actually explained your reason for wanting to leave quite well here, so perhaps just tell him the same things? No matter what, it's not going to be easy, but there's no point just feeling stuck for the rest of your natural life.

 

Hope things work out okay.

 

How on earth do I explain this to him? <snip> Is it the age difference? Has anyone ever been through something similar??

[lolablue17]

I’ve never been attracted to my partner physically. When I met him he gave me safety and security and always has, however sex has been a chore for as long as I can remember, leading to a completely sexless relationship for the past 5 years or so.

 

Well, now you're being honest. I can be very frustrating to be in a sexless relationship with someone you've never been attracted to. I couldn't live like that, not even for a month. It's a deal breaker. All the other talking about "making decisions of my own" looks pale comparing to this.

 

Tell him what you told us in your opening post. It's less hurting. It won't do any good to tell someone you're not attracted to him. I wouldn't wait another day.

[mikeylo]

The huge age difference is catching up.

 

You just tell him that you don't see a future anymore and it would be better if you both split.

[anika99]

You were very young when you met him and he was much older than you. It sounds like your attraction to him was based on stability and security and not much on sexual attraction or romance. He most likely knows this too. I think there are no kinks or troubles in your relationship because you both avoid being honest with each other about your true feelings and desires. Five years with no sex and he has nothing to say about that? He knows how you feel and he wants to avoid having any conversations about it because he is afraid of the possible outcome.

 

I'm sure that he is a wonderful person with wonderful qualities but when he was almost mid forties and he went after a young twenty something he would have known the huge gamble he was taking. You have grown up and changed and now you want more from life than just security. That's understandable. If you were in love with your partner and romantically attracted to him I would say to stay with him and try to alter the relationship to better suit your dreams and desires, but neither one of you deserve to spend a lifetime in a relationship devoid of romance and sex. As you say, you can't work on getting the spark back because it was never there. At 56 he will not be alone for long if he doesn't wish to be. Single women way outnumber single men in his age group and even younger so he will be okay and he can find a woman who thinks he's the hottest sexiest man she has ever laid her eyes on.

 

Of course there are pros and cons to every situation. Single life has it's challenges but it can also be wonderful, just like relationships can be challenging but also wonderful. I've been single for about 5 yrs now and I love it. The first year was a little hard and scary but once I got over my fear of being alone I began to truly enjoy and embrace my independence and freedom. There is no correct relationship status. It always makes me chuckle when people assume that everyone who is single must be lonely and sad and secretly desire a full time relationship. That's simply not true. Some people are happiest being single and there is nothing wrong with wanting to be single. Have an open honest conversation with your partner and do what you need to do.

[OatsAndHall]

I am a bit of black and white thinker so pardon me if this comes across as insensitive.

 

In my mind, many people operate on feelings which can be irrational. So, I would suggest that you take a step back and think about the ramifications of calling off a 20 year relationship because of how you feel.

 

Yes, I understand that you want more freedom and to feel like you're living your own life. But, those feelings may be seriously over-shadowed by hurt, loneliness and regret when it is all said and done.

 

There will be emotional consequences when you call off a relationship that has lasted for two decades. I imagine those feelings of liberation will be dissipate quickly when the reality of these emotional consequences set in. Especially given the fact that you are in a good relationship...

 

I would suggest take the advice above and find a way to gain some freedom and individuality while you are still in the relationship. This is one of those rare situations where you can "have your cake and eat it too". You just need to work at it.

[Miss Peach]

I wonder if some space would be helpful first? One of my closest friends and I needed to live separately to appreciate each other again. I'm wondering if having your space would help repair some of the relationship.

 

I'm not sure if you're open to non-traditional relationships but there is a term called 'solo poly' where you don't want to merge households, finances, etc. but you want to maintain relationships. It's used in polyamory but I think the term might be useful to convey what you're looking for even if you don't want to seek out multiple romantic relationships.

[rushed]

OP, we only get ONE life. Do you want to spend the rest of your days living an okay life in a passionless relationship with a good guy? Or do you want to live your life doing what you actually want to do - traveling, having adventures, possibly experiencing what it's like to be with someone whose bones you want to jump?

 

I was about your age when my ex-husband and I split up (we split up under different circumstances). But I had never lived alone in my life. And OMG, the joy I had in decorating my little apartment all by myself! And not having to answer to anyone about where I was going or with whom! I could do anything I wanted! It was a great feeling. Yes, there were times of fear and loneliness. But I loved being able to do what I wanted. And I'm with an amazing guy now who is a much better match for me.

 

One life, OP. We only get one. How do you want to live the rest of your days?

[Aloneuk]

Hi Lost

 

There are some similarities in your situation as to mine.

 

I'm 35 and have never been single for any length of time. I have realised that in my relationships I am a giver and tend to go along with what my partner needs to the detriment of myself. I would go as far as saying I lose my identity and unknowingly mould myself into the person that would suit them.

 

I have been with my husband for 8 and a half years now and our relationship very much reflects how he wants to live. We live in his house, and our life mainly revolves around his business which is also his hobby.

 

The only way I can describe it is that I'm not living a life that is authentic to me. This is my doing, I understand that, but I have come to realise that it isn't making me happy. Someone asked me where I see myself in 5 years and I had no idea, because I have no goals or dreams that relate to me and my life.

 

My relationship isn't bad - it's 'fine' and I could stay with him for the rest of my days and live an OK life, fairly happy but with the nag in the back of my head telling me im not being true to myself.

 

The fact that things are OK makes it harder to leave. We don't argue, we get on well but there's no real intimacy or emotional depth. I've come to realise, through IC and MC and a lot of self reflection, that I need more. I haven't left my marriage yet as want to be sure, but I feel I'm moving closer to that point.

 

Try reading the book 'Too good to leave, too bad to stay' which gives some interesting things to think about.

 

I hope you find the answers you are looking for

[Cephalopod]

Don't throw the baby out with the bath water. TALK to your partner and tell him your feelings and fears. He might just surprise you.

 

Don't blame your unhappiness on your marriage. Put the blame where it lies: on you. If life is steamrolling you, then learn a way to assert yourself and follow your passions....within your marriage.

 

Divorce is awful. There is absolutely nothing positive about divorce. And if you throw away your marriage without doing everything you can to save it, you will regret it for the rest of your life.

 

Be honest with your husband and give him a chance to show you he can support your aspirations.

[Cephalopod]

OP, we only get ONE life. Do you want to spend the rest of your days living an okay life in a passionless relationship with a good guy? Or do you want to live your life doing what you actually want to do - traveling, having adventures, possibly experiencing what it's like to be with someone whose bones you want to jump?

 

I was about your age when my ex-husband and I split up (we split up under different circumstances). But I had never lived alone in my life. And OMG, the joy I had in decorating my little apartment all by myself! And not having to answer to anyone about where I was going or with whom! I could do anything I wanted! It was a great feeling. Yes, there were times of fear and loneliness. But I loved being able to do what I wanted. And I'm with an amazing guy now who is a much better match for me.

 

One life, OP. We only get one. How do you want to live the rest of your days?

 

All fine and dandy.....while you are young and have the energy and health to have fun doing all these things. But there comes a day when your body starts to betray you, you can't do all the things you thought were so fulfilling, your world starts to shrink, and then you look beside you and no one is there.

[springy]

Thank you all for your contributions.

 

I didn’t want to mention this at first because I thought people might latch on to it and not pay much attention to anything else I’ve said and/or think I’m an awful ogre, but I’ve never been attracted to my partner physically. When I met him he gave me safety and security and always has, however sex has been a chore for as long as I can remember, leading to a completely sexless relationship for the past 5 years or so. It’s odd, we still get along so well and enjoy one another’s company thoroughly. There is never any hostility or snarky remarks about the lack of sex, but it certainly feels like much more of a friendship.

 

The hard part is I have no DESIRE to work on it. I am not attracted to him and it’s as simple as that. No amount of “spicing up” or therapy is going to ignite a spark that was never lit.

 

I don’t want to go sleeping around with people (REALLY), but I don’t want to be in a sexless relationship with someone either. Am I just holding on to him for the safety still?

 

So safety and security, as in financial stability? Sounds a lot like the man has been used for the past decade. Just tell him it's no longer working for you, and let him go to find someone who will (hopefully) hook up with him for the right reasons (attraction, love, companionship). I certainly wouldn't want to be with anyone who described sex with me as having always been a chore

 

No reason to drag this out any longer, you were never 'all in'.

[LostandLonging]

Hi Lost

 

There are some similarities in your situation as to mine.

 

I'm 35 and have never been single for any length of time. I have realised that in my relationships I am a giver and tend to go along with what my partner needs to the detriment of myself. I would go as far as saying I lose my identity and unknowingly mould myself into the person that would suit them.

 

I have been with my husband for 8 and a half years now and our relationship very much reflects how he wants to live. We live in his house, and our life mainly revolves around his business which is also his hobby.

 

The only way I can describe it is that I'm not living a life that is authentic to me. This is my doing, I understand that, but I have come to realise that it isn't making me happy. Someone asked me where I see myself in 5 years and I had no idea, because I have no goals or dreams that relate to me and my life.

 

My relationship isn't bad - it's 'fine' and I could stay with him for the rest of my days and live an OK life, fairly happy but with the nag in the back of my head telling me im not being true to myself.

 

The fact that things are OK makes it harder to leave. We don't argue, we get on well but there's no real intimacy or emotional depth. I've come to realise, through IC and MC and a lot of self reflection, that I need more. I haven't left my marriage yet as want to be sure, but I feel I'm moving closer to that point.

 

Try reading the book 'Too good to leave, too bad to stay' which gives some interesting things to think about.

 

I hope you find the answers you are looking for

 

Thank you so much for your response, Aloneuk. I take no joy in your situation but itis nice to know I’m not alone as I certainly do feel it.

 

Wow, similar is right! – he also has a business he runs from home which too is his hobby. He spends so much time on it and our house is an absolute mess because of all of his stock (something he promised me wouldn’t happen when we moved as our old spare bedroom had turned into a room full ofhis stock as well). He cannot seem to find the time to get groceries or spend an evening out with me but this he has all the time in the world for.

 

There are moments when, as I spend my weekends standing beside him holding the shopping basket while he fills it with stock for his business, I ask myself if this is really my life. What happened to my plans? To my adventures? Is this it?

 

Then I think it is me? Am I just a horrible selfish person with no appreciation for him running his business for us (although it is his hobby and his choice and not at all necessary for us financially)?

 

For over a decade it has been promises to lose weight, promises to clean up, promises that he’ll “get around to it” but nothing ever happens. Meanwhile I watch the best years of my life slipping away, forced to do so much alone because his weight prohibits him (not out of any medical reason but because he is embarrassed – yet will not seek to eat well or start exercising). We have nothing in common anymore. I am always off riding bikes, going to the beach, picnicking and going to the gym (all done alone) while he stays at home. I am not hateful of him as he hasn’t been a bad person to me, but I do feel a sickening resentment sometimes – for myself more than anyone.

[LostandLonging]

So safety and security, as in financial stability?

 

Certainly not. I have always been self sufficient financially. Safety and security as in feeling loved. Thanks to an alcoholic father who put me down incessantly, my self confidence is incredibly low and I have always latched on to the first man who paid any attention to me, terrified no one else will love me. I know, I know, counselling. I have been there and still feel as I do.

[LostandLonging]

The only way I can describe it is that I'm not living a life that is authentic to me. This is my doing, I understand that, but I have come to realise that it isn't making me happy.

 

This reminds me of a quote from "Eat, Pray, Love" that spoke to me. I've not seen the movie or read the book but a friend sent the quote to me:

 

Hadn't I wanted this? I had actively participated in every moment of the creation of this life. So why didn't I see myself in any of it? The only thing more impossible than staying... was leaving. I didn't want to hurt anybody, I wanted to slip quietly out the back door and not stop running until I reached Greenland.

Edited April 30, 2017 by LostandLonging