Author LostandLonging Posted June 5, 2017 Author Share Posted June 5, 2017 I'm pleased to hear that! I try and do that every so often but then the fact that I'm getting older every day creeps up on me and I panic into thinking I need to make a decision and quick. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Nothingtolose Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 Lost & Alone, People on this forum can be very judgemental, but some can give good advice too I am and have always been against cheating, but I know cheating doesn't necessarily mean someone is a horrible person. Sometimes feelings of confusion cloud the minds of the best of us. I hope you're both doing okay. I myself am in a relationship that isn't making me happy yet I don't seem to be able to find the strength to leave. We both moved out last month and we're now living in separate apartments, trying to work on our issues. I thought living apart from him would make it easier to break up but it hasn't been. Obviously my situation is different from yours because I do love my guy (or think I do?) but I can't imagine having a happy future together with the amount of incompatibilities and fights we have. So it's similar in the sense that I know I'm unhappy and unfulfilled, yet I can't seem to be able to make the decision and leave. I wonder what makes people FINALLY get to that point where they wake up one day and go I'M DONE and actually mean it? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Aloneuk Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 I wonder why we are all not able to just make a decision and action it? Whether that be stay and commit to the relationship or leave and start again? I feel like I have almost over thought it now and can't see the wood for the trees....I'm not sure how I really feel about any of it! Ironically, if I just made a decision and stuck to it, I would be making progress in a direction which has got to be better than sitting here in this limbo. I can see why people have been judgmental but when you're in the situation yourself it's so hard to be objective. And I guess I'm scared of making the 'wrong' decision too.... Agghhh, trying times!!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 To both of you guys... Listen, you won't have anyone here say that it is OK to cheat, because it is not. We don't have many nut jobs here. I may be one of the few. But to both of you, I stayed with my wife for 26 years, she was unfaithful, (twice), she was a drug addict, (Hidden), and she made my life hell. Now, your M's/R 's are not even that bad, but you, I guess still, are cheating and unhappy. Here is the thing...You are both scared. Scared to hurt your partner, scared to lose the comfort and financial security that you have, and on and on... If you guys are unhappy, and you have been thinking about ending it this long, you need to just end it. If it takes that long to make up your mind, then you really have your decision, you either keep the low/no/bad sex and the maybe cheat when you cannot stand it anymore, or you leave and start a new life. And unless you are the primary bread winner, or even if you are, your life is going to change. I am almost finished with my D, and I am just so happy I don't even know how to act. You just have to take the plundge... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostandLonging Posted June 13, 2017 Author Share Posted June 13, 2017 I'm just not sure what to do anymore. When I made this post I felt like I had reached a point where I was feeling strong and ready. Now that's changed and I'm not sure when or why. I feel weak and helpless again. Link to post Share on other sites
Aloneuk Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 I'm just not sure what to do anymore. When I made this post I felt like I had reached a point where I was feeling strong and ready. Now that's changed and I'm not sure when or why. I feel weak and helpless again. I'm exactly the same. But I'm in counselling both IC and MC too. I think that it's being going on for so long and that I've thought about things so much that I'm now stuck in indecision. I feel like I have totally lost my power and strength and confidence and will end up staying because I don't have the energy or fight in me to leave. I think a lot of it is guilt...there must be something wrong with me for wanting to leave a good man and a 'good' relationship. Although I have realised that my relationship is not good...and that's not just H's fault, I'm as much to blame for that as he is. I'm trying to concentrate on me and building my strength back up but its like I'm stuck in a rut that is draining all my energy. I think I probably need to find the strength to leave but it's so hard when H won't discuss anything. He just carries on and pretends everything is normal. Our MC does think he is on the autistic spectrum which in some ways reassures me it's not all in my head. Hoping you find the strength to leave because I think ultimately that is what you want to do.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostandLonging Posted June 13, 2017 Author Share Posted June 13, 2017 Ithink a lot of it is guilt...there must be something wrong with me for wanting to leave a good man and a 'good' relationship This is such a huge part of it for me as well, and no matter how many times I hear things like “you have to put yourself first” I just can’t do it. And the counselling thing… I have tried it in the past but it’s very hard to continue with when you don’t have any desire to work at your relationship. I know this has run its course. I know I want to leave and give both of us the chance to live true lives. I just can’t seem to find the strength to do it when the man has done nothing wrong. I'm trying to concentrate on me and building my strength back up but its like I'm stuck in a rut that is draining all my energy. Me too. I just feel so apathetic and lost. I think I probably need to find the strength to leave but it's so hard when H won't discuss anything That’s one thing I will give my guy. He is always willing to sit down and talk, listen and make changes – another thing that makes him a great partner. Unfortunately though when I find myself bringing something up with him I know in the back of my mind it doesn’t matter anyway, I feel how I feel. I hate this. Hopingyou find the strength to leave because I think ultimately that is what you wantto do.... I hope you do too. I don’t know if leaving is your ultimate goal as well but we’re here for you. x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Aloneuk Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 Hey So, as the title say, I left today. I have spent the last year questioning myself, in MC and IF, constantly feeling guilty and not knowing what the hell to do. I didn't want to be the bad guy by leaving but staying seemed impossible too. Yesterday I had an IC session and I felt particularly empowered. I don't know why. Something just clicked. That's not to say I didn't still feel confused or guilty. But for once I felt like leaving would be the right thing. I gave it 24 hours and still felt the same today. I spoke to H tonight (he is already aware of the issues in our relationship) and I said I needed to leave and he didn't fight me on it. I feel terribly sad but also relieved. I feel like a massive weight has been lifted. I miss him but I know it wasn't working and we couldn't go on like that...it was making us both ill. I'm sure the coming days, weeks, months will be hard but I feel like I have moved forward now. I hope you find the strength to move forward too... 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostandLonging Posted June 15, 2017 Author Share Posted June 15, 2017 Oh my gosh Alone!!! You're so brave! I hope you're doing alright. xx 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 Hey So, as the title say, I left today. I have spent the last year questioning myself, in MC and IF, constantly feeling guilty and not knowing what the hell to do. I didn't want to be the bad guy by leaving but staying seemed impossible too. Yesterday I had an IC session and I felt particularly empowered. I don't know why. Something just clicked. That's not to say I didn't still feel confused or guilty. But for once I felt like leaving would be the right thing. I gave it 24 hours and still felt the same today. I spoke to H tonight (he is already aware of the issues in our relationship) and I said I needed to leave and he didn't fight me on it. I feel terribly sad but also relieved. I feel like a massive weight has been lifted. I miss him but I know it wasn't working and we couldn't go on like that...it was making us both ill. I'm sure the coming days, weeks, months will be hard but I feel like I have moved forward now. I hope you find the strength to move forward too... You left before then went back... hopefully for his good this time you stay gone. I'm not saying it to be rude but it's extremely unhealthy to bounce back and forth and keep playing with him emotionally. Eventually he will find someone who will accept him for who he is and not wish he was more, maybe you will find more with your OM. Just stop doubling back. Link to post Share on other sites
Osmium13 Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 I haven't been here for a while, but I have to say that from what I've read over the last few months or so you've absolutely done the right thing AloneUK. I really hope it works out for you. My own situation has taken a rather unexpected turn. When it's all done (one way or another!) I will come back and explain it all. I feel a little guilty given how open you and L&L have been with your troubles, but then again I'm a man - so hiding my feelings comes naturally 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostandLonging Posted June 16, 2017 Author Share Posted June 16, 2017 My own situation has taken a rather unexpected turn. When it's all done (one way or another!) I will come back and explain it all. I feel a little guilty given how open you and L&L have been with your troubles, but then again I'm a man - so hiding my feelings comes naturally Whenever you're ready! Link to post Share on other sites
Aloneuk Posted June 16, 2017 Share Posted June 16, 2017 You left before then went back... hopefully for his good this time you stay gone. I'm not saying it to be rude but it's extremely unhealthy to bounce back and forth and keep playing with him emotionally. Eventually he will find someone who will accept him for who he is and not wish he was more, maybe you will find more with your OM. Just stop doubling back. I went back as we were having discernment counselling with a MC. There is no OM anymore, hasn't been for months. I didn't wish H was more, but that he would be present in the marriage. Evidently that wasn't possible. He also admitted that he thought all the issues in the M were because of my EA (which happened after I first moved out because of our problems) and refused to accept that him NEVER being around because of work, and not being emotionally involved in the M, might have had an impact. I have barely seen H in the last month because he has been away so much for his work. Opportunities where we could have spent time together, he took on more work. I agree it's unhealthy emotionally to bounce back and forth. But I honestly think it's done me more emotional damage than him. He has been fine and seemingly unaffected. MC thinks he is on the autistic spectrum and our MC was centred around seeing if he could open up a little and be more present in the relationship. I'm not trying to justify my terrible behaviour...i know I have acted appallingly. But he blames me for everything that was wrong with the marriage, as do most of the ppl on these boards. I have been fraught with stress and worry about our M over the past year. Honestly, I don't think H has given it much though it at all. It's not a priority to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Aloneuk Posted June 16, 2017 Share Posted June 16, 2017 I haven't been here for a while, but I have to say that from what I've read over the last few months or so you've absolutely done the right thing AloneUK. I really hope it works out for you. My own situation has taken a rather unexpected turn. When it's all done (one way or another!) I will come back and explain it all. I feel a little guilty given how open you and L&L have been with your troubles, but then again I'm a man - so hiding my feelings comes naturally Had been wondering how you were getting on. Share your story when you feel ready. Hope things are better for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostandLonging Posted June 17, 2017 Author Share Posted June 17, 2017 As much as I've enjoyed sharing with you, AloneUK, and enjoyed that you've felt comfortable sharing with me, I still feel alone in my case. You have talked to your husband. You have tried. I have no desire to do either. I know my feelings have just gone. Maybe it's because I was so young when I met him and have simply grown, changed and want to experience the world on my own. But how in the world do I say that to him? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 17, 2017 Share Posted June 17, 2017 As much as I've enjoyed sharing with you, AloneUK, and enjoyed that you've felt comfortable sharing with me, I still feel alone in my case. You have talked to your husband. You have tried. I have no desire to do either. I know my feelings have just gone. Maybe it's because I was so young when I met him and have simply grown, changed and want to experience the world on my own. But how in the world do I say that to him? You just have to bite the bullet and tell him, or you will be stuck there 20-30 years later and nothing will have changed. By that time you will have lost all your youth and vigour. This situation will have sucked all the life out of you, and you will then be left just hoping that he dies before you do... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Aloneuk Posted June 18, 2017 Share Posted June 18, 2017 As much as I've enjoyed sharing with you, AloneUK, and enjoyed that you've felt comfortable sharing with me, I still feel alone in my case. You have talked to your husband. You have tried. I have no desire to do either. I know my feelings have just gone. Maybe it's because I was so young when I met him and have simply grown, changed and want to experience the world on my own. But how in the world do I say that to him? You need to prioritise you, rather than your husband. At the moment you seem to be putting his happiness above yours. You're not happy but he is, so you don't leave. Your needs are not being met in this relationship, and you are pretty sure that they won't ever be. I think you need to somehow find the strength to leave. I'm sure if he knew how unhappy you are, he wouldn't want you to stay just through guilt. I know it's so much easier to say than do, trust me I know as I have been there! But you have to take action as the limbo you find yourself in will eventually destroy you. Do you have any friends you could confide in? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostandLonging Posted June 19, 2017 Author Share Posted June 19, 2017 My best friend has been urging me to leave him for years. She knows he’s not a bad guy but she also knows I am not living my life honestly. She and I are very different though. She called off an overseas wedding 2 days after making the decision to, gave him the house, moved out and started her own life. It’s not that easy for me. I don’t have the money she has. I know it’s tacky to talk about money but I could lose a lot if we sell the house. It’s just another thing I can’t stand thinking about. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Aloneuk Posted June 19, 2017 Share Posted June 19, 2017 I think you need to spend some time examining exactly why you are not leaving. Are you afraid of making the wrong decision? Do you not want to hurt him? Are you scared of family and friends reaction? Do you worry financially you will struggle? Etc etc and spend some time thinking about why it is. Once you identify the reasons, you may find it easier to overcome them. No one can make you leave him. Only you can make that choice. I totally get it, I really do. I imagine you will get to a point where you just realise you are done and can't live a lie any more. Keep posting, I know how hard it is to break free and make such a huge change to your life 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostandLonging Posted June 19, 2017 Author Share Posted June 19, 2017 Thank you, Alone. You have been so wonderful. How are you doing? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostandLonging Posted June 19, 2017 Author Share Posted June 19, 2017 I think you need to spend some time examining exactly why you are not leaving. Are you afraid of making the wrong decision? Do you not want to hurt him? Are you scared of family and friends reaction? Do you worry financially you will struggle? All of the above, and the way I've lived my entire life - just putting up with it as it's easier than having the fight and going through the pain. I'm stuck in this horrible state of inertia. Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 All of the above, and the way I've lived my entire life - just putting up with it as it's easier than having the fight and going through the pain. I'm stuck in this horrible state of inertia. People always say this and it drives me nuts, but maybe it's because it's true: You are where you want to be. You should take a look at your own verbiage. You claim to be "stuck" but in reality, you are an adult and you make your own choices. Consider why that is. You aren't stuck; right now, you are deciding to not make a change. And that's certainly one of your options. Maybe it's the right thing to do. Perhaps you are supposed to stay together. I just hope you will be happy with it in another 5, 10, or 15 years. (But I do think the very words you use are interesting. If you were happy, I don't think you would call it "stuck.") 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostandLonging Posted June 20, 2017 Author Share Posted June 20, 2017 You couldn't be more right. That’s the only way I know how to describe it. I KNOW I am the one keeping myself "stuck". Again, I’m not making excuses but I grew up in a home where I was taught to never confront things. To just shut up, smile and go along with it to avoid hurting people. It’s something that’s crippled me. It’s something I’ve been to counselling about and it’s done no good. Sometimes feel like I literally cannot breathe. I just can’t get the words out and if I do happen to, I go back on them so quickly, the minute I see the hurt in someone’s eyes. Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 You couldn't be more right. That’s the only way I know how to describe it. I KNOW I am the one keeping myself "stuck". Again, I’m not making excuses but I grew up in a home where I was taught to never confront things. To just shut up, smile and go along with it to avoid hurting people. It’s something that’s crippled me. It’s something I’ve been to counselling about and it’s done no good. Sometimes feel like I literally cannot breathe. I just can’t get the words out and if I do happen to, I go back on them so quickly, the minute I see the hurt in someone’s eyes. I understand where you are coming from. But you are making their pain more important than your own. Who will do that for you? Link to post Share on other sites
Aloneuk Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 You couldn't be more right. That’s the only way I know how to describe it. I KNOW I am the one keeping myself "stuck". Again, I’m not making excuses but I grew up in a home where I was taught to never confront things. To just shut up, smile and go along with it to avoid hurting people. It’s something that’s crippled me. It’s something I’ve been to counselling about and it’s done no good. Sometimes feel like I literally cannot breathe. I just can’t get the words out and if I do happen to, I go back on them so quickly, the minute I see the hurt in someone’s eyes. This is another similarity we have. My recent counselling sessions have shown that when growing up I was a real peace maker, hated conflict and would put other's needs ahead of myself so everyone was happy. I still tend to do this now....other people always take priority. I was also stuck in this limbo of thinking I wanted to leave but not being able to. It was like I was stuck in glue and unable to move. I don't honestly know what did it for me. I think I was just so tired of the limbo that something clicked. I know you don't want to meet someone else but I wonder If something like that might be the trigger for you to go? It's really hard to know what else to say as ultimately if you carry on with this indecision, that is a decision to stay albeit half heartedly. I guess you need to decide who's need are more important to you-yours, or your husbands? Do you think if he felt similarly he would sacrifice the rest of his life just so as not to hurt you? Link to post Share on other sites
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