Aloneuk Posted June 19, 2017 Share Posted June 19, 2017 I think you need to spend some time examining exactly why you are not leaving. Are you afraid of making the wrong decision? Do you not want to hurt him? Are you scared of family and friends reaction? Do you worry financially you will struggle? Etc etc and spend some time thinking about why it is. Once you identify the reasons, you may find it easier to overcome them. No one can make you leave him. Only you can make that choice. I totally get it, I really do. I imagine you will get to a point where you just realise you are done and can't live a lie any more. Keep posting, I know how hard it is to break free and make such a huge change to your life 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostandLonging Posted June 19, 2017 Author Share Posted June 19, 2017 Thank you, Alone. You have been so wonderful. How are you doing? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostandLonging Posted June 19, 2017 Author Share Posted June 19, 2017 I think you need to spend some time examining exactly why you are not leaving. Are you afraid of making the wrong decision? Do you not want to hurt him? Are you scared of family and friends reaction? Do you worry financially you will struggle? All of the above, and the way I've lived my entire life - just putting up with it as it's easier than having the fight and going through the pain. I'm stuck in this horrible state of inertia. Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 All of the above, and the way I've lived my entire life - just putting up with it as it's easier than having the fight and going through the pain. I'm stuck in this horrible state of inertia. People always say this and it drives me nuts, but maybe it's because it's true: You are where you want to be. You should take a look at your own verbiage. You claim to be "stuck" but in reality, you are an adult and you make your own choices. Consider why that is. You aren't stuck; right now, you are deciding to not make a change. And that's certainly one of your options. Maybe it's the right thing to do. Perhaps you are supposed to stay together. I just hope you will be happy with it in another 5, 10, or 15 years. (But I do think the very words you use are interesting. If you were happy, I don't think you would call it "stuck.") 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostandLonging Posted June 20, 2017 Author Share Posted June 20, 2017 You couldn't be more right. That’s the only way I know how to describe it. I KNOW I am the one keeping myself "stuck". Again, I’m not making excuses but I grew up in a home where I was taught to never confront things. To just shut up, smile and go along with it to avoid hurting people. It’s something that’s crippled me. It’s something I’ve been to counselling about and it’s done no good. Sometimes feel like I literally cannot breathe. I just can’t get the words out and if I do happen to, I go back on them so quickly, the minute I see the hurt in someone’s eyes. Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 You couldn't be more right. That’s the only way I know how to describe it. I KNOW I am the one keeping myself "stuck". Again, I’m not making excuses but I grew up in a home where I was taught to never confront things. To just shut up, smile and go along with it to avoid hurting people. It’s something that’s crippled me. It’s something I’ve been to counselling about and it’s done no good. Sometimes feel like I literally cannot breathe. I just can’t get the words out and if I do happen to, I go back on them so quickly, the minute I see the hurt in someone’s eyes. I understand where you are coming from. But you are making their pain more important than your own. Who will do that for you? Link to post Share on other sites
Aloneuk Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 You couldn't be more right. That’s the only way I know how to describe it. I KNOW I am the one keeping myself "stuck". Again, I’m not making excuses but I grew up in a home where I was taught to never confront things. To just shut up, smile and go along with it to avoid hurting people. It’s something that’s crippled me. It’s something I’ve been to counselling about and it’s done no good. Sometimes feel like I literally cannot breathe. I just can’t get the words out and if I do happen to, I go back on them so quickly, the minute I see the hurt in someone’s eyes. This is another similarity we have. My recent counselling sessions have shown that when growing up I was a real peace maker, hated conflict and would put other's needs ahead of myself so everyone was happy. I still tend to do this now....other people always take priority. I was also stuck in this limbo of thinking I wanted to leave but not being able to. It was like I was stuck in glue and unable to move. I don't honestly know what did it for me. I think I was just so tired of the limbo that something clicked. I know you don't want to meet someone else but I wonder If something like that might be the trigger for you to go? It's really hard to know what else to say as ultimately if you carry on with this indecision, that is a decision to stay albeit half heartedly. I guess you need to decide who's need are more important to you-yours, or your husbands? Do you think if he felt similarly he would sacrifice the rest of his life just so as not to hurt you? Link to post Share on other sites
Undercoverirish Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 This reminds me of a quote from "Eat, Pray, Love" that spoke to me. I've not seen the movie or read the book but a friend sent the quote to me: Hadn't I wanted this? I had actively participated in every moment of the creation of this life. So why didn't I see myself in any of it? The only thing more impossible than staying... was leaving. I didn't want to hurt anybody, I wanted to slip quietly out the back door and not stop running until I reached Greenland. Oh my goodness me - I've just remembered how unhappy I was, back when I read this book! I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I'm in a similar one myself (although we haven't been together as long), and nothing is horribly wrong with my husband or our relationship, but I just have this desire to be alone and to bolt. Yes we do have some issues and I think not addressing those has created a big emotional distance on my part, but i still feel very strongly that I want to leave. I've just recently told my partner she were working on it and we're going to see where it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
Undercoverirish Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 I understand where you are coming from. But you are making their pain more important than your own. Who will do that for you? Why does it always have to be about someone else though? She has said that she wants to be alone and not just single. Is there anything wrong with wanting freedom and independence, and to not be with a man? We're often told that true happiness comes from within so does that mean sacrificing your own happiness for someone that you're no longer in love with and a life you don't want to lead? Link to post Share on other sites
Snow7 Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 Lostandloving & Aloneuk, I just wanted to post an update that maybe helpful to the 2 of you. I was married for 20 years, out of which the last 13 years were loveless. But I couldn't bring myself to leave until 3 months ago. And let me just say that I wish I had done it 10 years ago. That eat,pray, love quote really resonates with me. I feel like myself again after so long. I love, love living on my own. My unhappy life was soul crushing. I had completely lost myself. I didn't have the courage to leave because I didn't believe I could do it on my own. And I had convinced myself that no one would want me. I mean, if my husband didn't want me then why would anyone else? I'm a middle aged woman with a special needs child. Who's going to take that on? Plus no one in my friends and family had ever gotten divorce. I had no role models on how to do this successfully. Anyway, we are working on the divorce and so far it has been quite amicable. I am much less lonely now than when I was married. Believe in yourself. You can do it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 Why does it always have to be about someone else though? She has said that she wants to be alone and not just single. Is there anything wrong with wanting freedom and independence, and to not be with a man? We're often told that true happiness comes from within so does that mean sacrificing your own happiness for someone that you're no longer in love with and a life you don't want to lead? A really great thread happening here. The above statement absolutely struck a chord with me... OP, A little background on me. I was married for close to 20 years to a wonderful girl. The day after our anniversary she told me that she had been living a lie and wanted a separation. Roughly 4 uncontested months later we were fully divorced. I had never in my life felt a soul crushing death of my spirit as when the love of my life wanted that divorce. I literally died. My will to live stopped. Completely. There was no real age difference between us (3 years) but, she had been in relationships since the age of 16. She did not jump from man to man, or boy to boy, as there were two previous boyfriends before me. She came from a background exactly like yours regarding keeping things inside and non-confrontational with family, friends, etc. As the months passed by after the divorce she would let more out regarding why she wanted the divorce. It was not another guy, and it was not me. It was the fact that she never lived. She never got the ability to "chart her own course" in life... and she never got to be alone. I tell this to you as someone who can relate to what your husband will go though if you decide to divorce. If I can give you one single piece of advice, it would be to do this: Divorce him. He will recover. He will go through hell, but he will recover. In the 7 years it's been since my divorce I have learned that nobody has the right to control another persons free will and to experience the things in life that call to it. At about the 2 year mark post divorce, I fully understood where she was coming from, and I could actually feel good for her in the sense that she was getting to see what she "missed" by not leading her own life. At about the year and a half mark post divorce she did come back around and thought maybe getting back together would be a good thing, but by then, I had moved on myself so we regained a friendship. Today, she is with another gentleman and has been for the past 2 years. She is happy, healthy, and we remain extremely good friends. I will always "love" her, and she will always "love" me. But I love even more that she was able to see life in a way she never would have if we stayed married... Best to you. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Majormisstep Posted June 24, 2017 Share Posted June 24, 2017 (edited) Sorry OP, have to t/j here....frigginlost moniker - love it!!! Back to the topic OP, sigh, you are not stuck. You are afraid of the unknown. Every single person that I have talked to that walked in your shoes wished they would have left YEARS earlier than they did. Except in two situations where the husbands died of natural causes. Then that freedom was, through a series of unfortunate events, granted by default. Become the person you want to be. Stop letting fear guide your life. You happy doing that? My xH was the nicest, most generous man on the planet. He truly was. But we had such different life visions it was never going to work. It's ok to want something for yourself. Edited June 24, 2017 by Majormisstep 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostandLonging Posted June 26, 2017 Author Share Posted June 26, 2017 Thank you so much for your replies, everyone. It might take a little more time to work up the courage from me, but I know I'll get there. I'd love to keep checking in here if I can. ❤️ 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Aloneuk Posted June 27, 2017 Share Posted June 27, 2017 Thank you so much for your replies, everyone. It might take a little more time to work up the courage from me, but I know I'll get there. I'd love to keep checking in here if I can. ❤️ You'll get there in your own time! Keep in touch 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Aloneuk Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 How are you doing, Lost? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostandLonging Posted July 10, 2017 Author Share Posted July 10, 2017 How are you doing, Lost? The same.... You? Link to post Share on other sites
Aloneuk Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 I left nearly a month ago now. I won't lie, it's been a rollercoaster of emotions. There was the initial high, I guess the shock of actually leaving and a bit of euphoria. Then I slumped a bit and had a period of feeling miserable and wondering if I had done the right thing. I now go between the above emotions but also having a sense of calm. It's all very odd, I can't quite believe I've done it. It's tough though. It's hard to be alone after being one half of a couple for so long. Emotionally I do feel quite low a lot of the time, but I figure that some thing I need to work through. I have met up with my H a few times to discuss practical matters but he won't talk about the situation or us. I am building up to the conversation now where I tell him that I want this to be a permanent arrangement and I won't be returning. Lost, I really hope you are able to find the courage to leave if that's the right thing to do for you... Keep posting! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stellaas Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 He is such a good man to you. Think of people who have been physically assaulted and tortured and still they live together for one or the other reasons. Sure that you have some mental block. Turn out to a right person and share your thoughts. So that you can continue this relation and have a happy life. Or talk to him itself. He can support you ,I really feel so. Link to post Share on other sites
Aloneuk Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 Have you actually read this thread?! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostandLonging Posted July 17, 2017 Author Share Posted July 17, 2017 I'm sorry to hear you're experiencing so many various emotions. I hope you will find your feet soon. I am in a weird place right now. When I first created this thread I was gung-ho about leaving and feeling braver than I ever had, about this and a whole bunch of other things (for example I wanted to do a course this year and was so determined to start it). Then something changed within me. I don't know what caused it. The change wasn't a "maybe I should give it a chance, he is a good man" type of change. I can't explain what it was but now I feel completely apathetic. We haven't had sex in years which is fine by me as I don't want to have sex with him. I can't even remember what it's like and have almost resigned myself to the fact that my sex life is over even though I am attracted to other men. I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know what changed my once passionate determination to utter indifference. That nagging "This isn't right. You know it and you're wasting your life and his" feeling is ALWAYS there. I don't know how to get past this. Link to post Share on other sites
Aloneuk Posted July 19, 2017 Share Posted July 19, 2017 I'm sorry to hear you're experiencing so many various emotions. I hope you will find your feet soon. I am in a weird place right now. When I first created this thread I was gung-ho about leaving and feeling braver than I ever had, about this and a whole bunch of other things (for example I wanted to do a course this year and was so determined to start it). Then something changed within me. I don't know what caused it. The change wasn't a "maybe I should give it a chance, he is a good man" type of change. I can't explain what it was but now I feel completely apathetic. We haven't had sex in years which is fine by me as I don't want to have sex with him. I can't even remember what it's like and have almost resigned myself to the fact that my sex life is over even though I am attracted to other men. I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know what changed my once passionate determination to utter indifference. That nagging "This isn't right. You know it and you're wasting your life and his" feeling is ALWAYS there. I don't know how to get past this. Oh Lost... Could you be depressed, or is your apathy only in regards to your relationship? It's so hard to know what to say. I will tell you what my counsellor told me. You have 3 options: -You stay in the relationship, with the same attitude and things between you remain the same as they are now -You stay and try and fix things by putting all your effort into the relationship -You leave In my situation, I have been through all 3 options. I get the impression you have no inclination to stay in the relationship, but also don't have the strength to leave. Perhaps it's just not the right time...I firmly believe at some point you will have enough of the situation and move forward one way or another. We are here for you... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 I'm sorry to hear you're experiencing so many various emotions. I hope you will find your feet soon. I am in a weird place right now. When I first created this thread I was gung-ho about leaving and feeling braver than I ever had, about this and a whole bunch of other things (for example I wanted to do a course this year and was so determined to start it). Then something changed within me. I don't know what caused it. The change wasn't a "maybe I should give it a chance, he is a good man" type of change. I can't explain what it was but now I feel completely apathetic. We haven't had sex in years which is fine by me as I don't want to have sex with him. I can't even remember what it's like and have almost resigned myself to the fact that my sex life is over even though I am attracted to other men. I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know what changed my once passionate determination to utter indifference. That nagging "This isn't right. You know it and you're wasting your life and his" feeling is ALWAYS there. I don't know how to get past this. Sounds like you have some issues. I would suggest getting off this forum and seeking professional help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostandLonging Posted July 24, 2017 Author Share Posted July 24, 2017 Sounds like you have some issues. I would suggest getting off this forum and seeking professional help. Like what, exactly? What issues do I have in your opinion? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostandLonging Posted July 24, 2017 Author Share Posted July 24, 2017 Oh Lost... Could you be depressed, or is your apathy only in regards to your relationship? It's so hard to know what to say. I will tell you what my counsellor told me. You have 3 options: -You stay in the relationship, with the same attitude and things between you remain the same as they are now -You stay and try and fix things by putting all your effort into the relationship -You leave In my situation, I have been through all 3 options. I get the impression you have no inclination to stay in the relationship, but also don't have the strength to leave. Perhaps it's just not the right time...I firmly believe at some point you will have enough of the situation and move forward one way or another. We are here for you... Thank you once again for your kind words, Alone. Xx How are you doing? Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted July 24, 2017 Share Posted July 24, 2017 Like what, exactly? What issues do I have in your opinion? You seem to be chasing something that is missing or ....I'm not sure...depression? That's why I recommend a pro. Link to post Share on other sites
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