Wanting to leave a good relationship

[Undercoverirish]

This reminds me of a quote from "Eat, Pray, Love" that spoke to me. I've not seen the movie or read the book but a friend sent the quote to me:

 

Hadn't I wanted this? I had actively participated in every moment of the creation of this life. So why didn't I see myself in any of it? The only thing more impossible than staying... was leaving. I didn't want to hurt anybody, I wanted to slip quietly out the back door and not stop running until I reached Greenland.

 

Oh my goodness me - I've just remembered how unhappy I was, back when I read this book!

 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I'm in a similar one myself (although we haven't been together as long), and nothing is horribly wrong with my husband or our relationship, but I just have this desire to be alone and to bolt. Yes we do have some issues and I think not addressing those has created a big emotional distance on my part, but i still feel very strongly that I want to leave. I've just recently told my partner she were working on it and we're going to see where it goes.

[Undercoverirish]

I understand where you are coming from. But you are making their pain more important than your own. Who will do that for you?

 

Why does it always have to be about someone else though? She has said that she wants to be alone and not just single. Is there anything wrong with wanting freedom and independence, and to not be with a man? We're often told that true happiness comes from within so does that mean sacrificing your own happiness for someone that you're no longer in love with and a life you don't want to lead?

[Snow7]

Lostandloving & Aloneuk,

 

I just wanted to post an update that maybe helpful to the 2 of you. I was married for 20 years, out of which the last 13 years were loveless. But I couldn't bring myself to leave until 3 months ago. And let me just say that I wish I had done it 10 years ago. That eat,pray, love quote really resonates with me.

 

I feel like myself again after so long. I love, love living on my own. My unhappy life was soul crushing. I had completely lost myself. I didn't have the courage to leave because I didn't believe I could do it on my own. And I had convinced myself that no one would want me. I mean, if my husband didn't want me then why would anyone else? I'm a middle aged woman with a special needs child. Who's going to take that on? Plus no one in my friends and family had ever gotten divorce. I had no role models on how to do this successfully.

 

Anyway, we are working on the divorce and so far it has been quite amicable. I am much less lonely now than when I was married. Believe in yourself. You can do it.

[frigginlost]

Why does it always have to be about someone else though? She has said that she wants to be alone and not just single. Is there anything wrong with wanting freedom and independence, and to not be with a man? We're often told that true happiness comes from within so does that mean sacrificing your own happiness for someone that you're no longer in love with and a life you don't want to lead?

 

A really great thread happening here. The above statement absolutely struck a chord with me...

 

OP,

 

A little background on me. I was married for close to 20 years to a wonderful girl. The day after our anniversary she told me that she had been living a lie and wanted a separation. Roughly 4 uncontested months later we were fully divorced.

 

I had never in my life felt a soul crushing death of my spirit as when the love of my life wanted that divorce. I literally died. My will to live stopped. Completely.

 

There was no real age difference between us (3 years) but, she had been in relationships since the age of 16. She did not jump from man to man, or boy to boy, as there were two previous boyfriends before me. She came from a background exactly like yours regarding keeping things inside and non-confrontational with family, friends, etc.

 

As the months passed by after the divorce she would let more out regarding why she wanted the divorce. It was not another guy, and it was not me. It was the fact that she never lived. She never got the ability to "chart her own course" in life... and she never got to be alone.

 

I tell this to you as someone who can relate to what your husband will go though if you decide to divorce. If I can give you one single piece of advice, it would be to do this:

 

Divorce him.

 

He will recover. He will go through hell, but he will recover. In the 7 years it's been since my divorce I have learned that nobody has the right to control another persons free will and to experience the things in life that call to it. At about the 2 year mark post divorce, I fully understood where she was coming from, and I could actually feel good for her in the sense that she was getting to see what she "missed" by not leading her own life.

 

At about the year and a half mark post divorce she did come back around and thought maybe getting back together would be a good thing, but by then, I had moved on myself so we regained a friendship.

 

Today, she is with another gentleman and has been for the past 2 years. She is happy, healthy, and we remain extremely good friends. I will always "love" her, and she will always "love" me. But I love even more that she was able to see life in a way she never would have if we stayed married...

 

Best to you.

[Majormisstep]

Sorry OP, have to t/j here....frigginlost moniker - love it!!!

 

Back to the topic OP, sigh, you are not stuck. You are afraid of the unknown. Every single person that I have talked to that walked in your shoes wished they would have left YEARS earlier than they did. Except in two situations where the husbands died of natural causes. Then that freedom was, through a series of unfortunate events, granted by default.

 

Become the person you want to be. Stop letting fear guide your life. You happy doing that? My xH was the nicest, most generous man on the planet. He truly was. But we had such different life visions it was never going to work. It's ok to want something for yourself.

Edited June 24, 2017 by Majormisstep

[LostandLonging]

Thank you so much for your replies, everyone. It might take a little more time to work up the courage from me, but I know I'll get there. I'd love to keep checking in here if I can. ❤️

[Aloneuk]

Thank you so much for your replies, everyone. It might take a little more time to work up the courage from me, but I know I'll get there. I'd love to keep checking in here if I can. ❤️

 

You'll get there in your own time! Keep in touch

[Aloneuk]

How are you doing, Lost?

[LostandLonging]

How are you doing, Lost?

 

The same....

 

 

You?

[Aloneuk]

I left nearly a month ago now. I won't lie, it's been a rollercoaster of emotions. There was the initial high, I guess the shock of actually leaving and a bit of euphoria. Then I slumped a bit and had a period of feeling miserable and wondering if I had done the right thing.

 

I now go between the above emotions but also having a sense of calm. It's all very odd, I can't quite believe I've done it. It's tough though. It's hard to be alone after being one half of a couple for so long. Emotionally I do feel quite low a lot of the time, but I figure that some thing I need to work through.

 

I have met up with my H a few times to discuss practical matters but he won't talk about the situation or us. I am building up to the conversation now where I tell him that I want this to be a permanent arrangement and I won't be returning.

 

Lost, I really hope you are able to find the courage to leave if that's the right thing to do for you...

 

Keep posting!

[stellaas]

He is such a good man to you. Think of people who have been physically assaulted and tortured and still they live together for one or the other reasons. Sure that you have some mental block. Turn out to a right person and share your thoughts. So that you can continue this relation and have a happy life. Or talk to him itself. He can support you ,I really feel so.

[Aloneuk]

Have you actually read this thread?!

[LostandLonging]

I'm sorry to hear you're experiencing so many various emotions. I hope you will find your feet soon.

 

I am in a weird place right now. When I first created this thread I was gung-ho about leaving and feeling braver than I ever had, about this and a whole bunch of other things (for example I wanted to do a course this year and was so determined to start it).

 

Then something changed within me. I don't know what caused it. The change wasn't a "maybe I should give it a chance, he is a good man" type of change. I can't explain what it was but now I feel completely apathetic.

 

We haven't had sex in years which is fine by me as I don't want to have sex with him. I can't even remember what it's like and have almost resigned myself to the fact that my sex life is over even though I am attracted to other men.

 

I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know what changed my once passionate determination to utter indifference.

 

That nagging "This isn't right. You know it and you're wasting your life and his" feeling is ALWAYS there.

 

I don't know how to get past this.

[Aloneuk]

I'm sorry to hear you're experiencing so many various emotions. I hope you will find your feet soon.

 

I am in a weird place right now. When I first created this thread I was gung-ho about leaving and feeling braver than I ever had, about this and a whole bunch of other things (for example I wanted to do a course this year and was so determined to start it).

 

Then something changed within me. I don't know what caused it. The change wasn't a "maybe I should give it a chance, he is a good man" type of change. I can't explain what it was but now I feel completely apathetic.

 

We haven't had sex in years which is fine by me as I don't want to have sex with him. I can't even remember what it's like and have almost resigned myself to the fact that my sex life is over even though I am attracted to other men.

 

I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know what changed my once passionate determination to utter indifference.

 

That nagging "This isn't right. You know it and you're wasting your life and his" feeling is ALWAYS there.

 

I don't know how to get past this.

 

Oh Lost...

 

Could you be depressed, or is your apathy only in regards to your relationship?

 

It's so hard to know what to say. I will tell you what my counsellor told me. You have 3 options:

 

-You stay in the relationship, with the same attitude and things between you remain the same as they are now

 

-You stay and try and fix things by putting all your effort into the relationship

 

-You leave

 

In my situation, I have been through all 3 options. I get the impression you have no inclination to stay in the relationship, but also don't have the strength to leave. Perhaps it's just not the right time...I firmly believe at some point you will have enough of the situation and move forward one way or another.

 

We are here for you...

[standtall]

I'm sorry to hear you're experiencing so many various emotions. I hope you will find your feet soon.

 

I am in a weird place right now. When I first created this thread I was gung-ho about leaving and feeling braver than I ever had, about this and a whole bunch of other things (for example I wanted to do a course this year and was so determined to start it).

 

Then something changed within me. I don't know what caused it. The change wasn't a "maybe I should give it a chance, he is a good man" type of change. I can't explain what it was but now I feel completely apathetic.

 

We haven't had sex in years which is fine by me as I don't want to have sex with him. I can't even remember what it's like and have almost resigned myself to the fact that my sex life is over even though I am attracted to other men.

 

I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know what changed my once passionate determination to utter indifference.

 

That nagging "This isn't right. You know it and you're wasting your life and his" feeling is ALWAYS there.

 

I don't know how to get past this.

 

 

Sounds like you have some issues. I would suggest getting off this forum and seeking professional help.

[LostandLonging]

Sounds like you have some issues. I would suggest getting off this forum and seeking professional help.

 

Like what, exactly? What issues do I have in your opinion?

[LostandLonging]

Oh Lost...

 

Could you be depressed, or is your apathy only in regards to your relationship?

 

It's so hard to know what to say. I will tell you what my counsellor told me. You have 3 options:

 

-You stay in the relationship, with the same attitude and things between you remain the same as they are now

 

-You stay and try and fix things by putting all your effort into the relationship

 

-You leave

 

In my situation, I have been through all 3 options. I get the impression you have no inclination to stay in the relationship, but also don't have the strength to leave. Perhaps it's just not the right time...I firmly believe at some point you will have enough of the situation and move forward one way or another.

 

We are here for you...

 

Thank you once again for your kind words, Alone. Xx

 

How are you doing?

[standtall]

Like what, exactly? What issues do I have in your opinion?

 

You seem to be chasing something that is missing or ....I'm not sure...depression? That's why I recommend a pro.

[LostandLonging]

You seem to be chasing something that is missing or ....I'm not sure...depression? That's why I recommend a pro.

 

Well I've tried the professional thing. Didn't work.

 

I feel like I am chasing something. If you've read through the thread you'll see that I grew up in somewhat of an abusive home, and jumped from relationship to relationship just to have someone who loved me. Now I'm much older, stronger and wanting to be alone.

[LostandLonging]

Then take action! Nothing changes until you do things to change it!

 

 

 

Oh I know, it's just much easier said than done. How do you tell someone who's been in your life for 13 years and who you own a home with "Yeeeeah, sorry, but I'm kinda done here".?

[LostandLonging]

Nothing good or new with me but just wondering how you are Alone? X

[LostandLonging]

Are you realizing that nothing changes when you change nothing?

 

You gotta change things if you want things to be different.

 

Do you work? Can you support yourself?

 

Yes, of course I'm aware of that... it's much easier said than done for someone like me, though.

 

Yes I do and I can.

[LostandLonging]

It's not that hard. I did it after I was with my ex for nearly 25 years.

 

The hard stuff makes it worth doing.

 

 

How long did it take you to do it?

 

See my situation is tough because well I really have no "reason". I just don't want to be in a relationship anymore. With anyone.

 

I'm struggling with the guilt of that.

[Osmium13]

Yes, of course I'm aware of that... it's much easier said than done for someone like me, though.

 

Yes I do and I can.

 

 

It's helped me to write down the reasons I don't want to be here any more - it's several pages - and then list the good points of the relationship... which amounted to three lines. If I find myself doubting, I look at the list again to reaffirm that I'm doing the right thing for ME. Selfish perhaps, but that document reminds me that I'm not the one that's been a self-serving whatsit for the best part of 20 years.

 

D-day is coming in a couple of weeks. Just trying to sort somewhere to live and plan for living off less money.

[Aloneuk]

Hey

 

Sorry for late reply. Have not been on here for a little while.

 

I am slowly moving forward. I've found a place to rent and should be moving into it next month. Emotionally it's still a bit of a rollercoaster. Generally I'm ok but have moments of 'Have I done the right thing?' Especially if I'm experiencing something tough.

 

I feel like the momentum of the situation has gotten me to this point but now it's real and it's not easy. But it was my decision and it was the right thing to do. Doesn't make it easy all the time though!

 

Financially it's going to be a massive challenge. I live in an expensive part of the UK and although I'm working full time, surviving on one wage and having a roof over your head is hard. But I'm excited about getting my own place.

 

I've dated a couple of guys, one of who is also recently separated and lives the other side of the UK, which has been good for me. It's a confidence boost to know that you are still attractive to the opposite sex!

 

Lost, I have a friend very similar to you but shes single. But for the life of her, she cannot gather the enthusiasm to move on with her life. She's in the opposite situation...She really wants to meet someone but just can't get out of this funk and just constantly thinks and talks about how unhappy she is with her life. If only she'd just try Internet dating, she'd have probably met someone by now. But she's so stuck in this rut and cannot get out. I feel you're the same. It's almost like you've over thought the situation now. You need to just stop thinking about it and do it. Weekly counselling for a number of months helped me find my courage. Perhaps you could try therapy again?