Author LostandLonging Posted July 24, 2017 Author Share Posted July 24, 2017 You seem to be chasing something that is missing or ....I'm not sure...depression? That's why I recommend a pro. Well I've tried the professional thing. Didn't work. I feel like I am chasing something. If you've read through the thread you'll see that I grew up in somewhat of an abusive home, and jumped from relationship to relationship just to have someone who loved me. Now I'm much older, stronger and wanting to be alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 24, 2017 Share Posted July 24, 2017 Well I've tried the professional thing. Didn't work. I feel like I am chasing something. If you've read through the thread you'll see that I grew up in somewhat of an abusive home, and jumped from relationship to relationship just to have someone who loved me. Now I'm much older, stronger and wanting to be alone. Then take action! Nothing changes until you do things to change it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostandLonging Posted July 25, 2017 Author Share Posted July 25, 2017 Then take action! Nothing changes until you do things to change it! Oh I know, it's just much easier said than done. How do you tell someone who's been in your life for 13 years and who you own a home with "Yeeeeah, sorry, but I'm kinda done here".? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 Oh I know, it's just much easier said than done. How do you tell someone who's been in your life for 13 years and who you own a home with "Yeeeeah, sorry, but I'm kinda done here".? You just say it - be honest. If I can end mine after 25 years with him - you can end yours... it takes honesty. Staying and pretending is just living a lie. That's not right to him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostandLonging Posted August 6, 2017 Author Share Posted August 6, 2017 Nothing good or new with me but just wondering how you are Alone? X Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 Are you realizing that nothing changes when you change nothing? You gotta change things if you want things to be different. Do you work? Can you support yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostandLonging Posted August 7, 2017 Author Share Posted August 7, 2017 Are you realizing that nothing changes when you change nothing? You gotta change things if you want things to be different. Do you work? Can you support yourself? Yes, of course I'm aware of that... it's much easier said than done for someone like me, though. Yes I do and I can. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 8, 2017 Share Posted August 8, 2017 It's not that hard. I did it after I was with my ex for nearly 25 years. The hard stuff makes it worth doing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostandLonging Posted August 8, 2017 Author Share Posted August 8, 2017 It's not that hard. I did it after I was with my ex for nearly 25 years. The hard stuff makes it worth doing. How long did it take you to do it? See my situation is tough because well I really have no "reason". I just don't want to be in a relationship anymore. With anyone. I'm struggling with the guilt of that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 8, 2017 Share Posted August 8, 2017 How long did it take you to do it? See my situation is tough because well I really have no "reason". I just don't want to be in a relationship anymore. With anyone. I'm struggling with the guilt of that. Guilt? Have you seen a professional to help you take action in your thoughts/feelings? Link to post Share on other sites
Osmium13 Posted August 8, 2017 Share Posted August 8, 2017 Yes, of course I'm aware of that... it's much easier said than done for someone like me, though. Yes I do and I can. It's helped me to write down the reasons I don't want to be here any more - it's several pages - and then list the good points of the relationship... which amounted to three lines. If I find myself doubting, I look at the list again to reaffirm that I'm doing the right thing for ME. Selfish perhaps, but that document reminds me that I'm not the one that's been a self-serving whatsit for the best part of 20 years. D-day is coming in a couple of weeks. Just trying to sort somewhere to live and plan for living off less money. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Aloneuk Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 Hey Sorry for late reply. Have not been on here for a little while. I am slowly moving forward. I've found a place to rent and should be moving into it next month. Emotionally it's still a bit of a rollercoaster. Generally I'm ok but have moments of 'Have I done the right thing?' Especially if I'm experiencing something tough. I feel like the momentum of the situation has gotten me to this point but now it's real and it's not easy. But it was my decision and it was the right thing to do. Doesn't make it easy all the time though! Financially it's going to be a massive challenge. I live in an expensive part of the UK and although I'm working full time, surviving on one wage and having a roof over your head is hard. But I'm excited about getting my own place. I've dated a couple of guys, one of who is also recently separated and lives the other side of the UK, which has been good for me. It's a confidence boost to know that you are still attractive to the opposite sex! Lost, I have a friend very similar to you but shes single. But for the life of her, she cannot gather the enthusiasm to move on with her life. She's in the opposite situation...She really wants to meet someone but just can't get out of this funk and just constantly thinks and talks about how unhappy she is with her life. If only she'd just try Internet dating, she'd have probably met someone by now. But she's so stuck in this rut and cannot get out. I feel you're the same. It's almost like you've over thought the situation now. You need to just stop thinking about it and do it. Weekly counselling for a number of months helped me find my courage. Perhaps you could try therapy again? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Aloneuk Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 It's helped me to write down the reasons I don't want to be here any more - it's several pages - and then list the good points of the relationship... which amounted to three lines. If I find myself doubting, I look at the list again to reaffirm that I'm doing the right thing for ME. Selfish perhaps, but that document reminds me that I'm not the one that's been a self-serving whatsit for the best part of 20 years. D-day is coming in a couple of weeks. Just trying to sort somewhere to live and plan for living off less money. Good luck. It won't always be easy and you'll probably question whether you've done the right thing at times...I have! But stay strong! Let us know how you get on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SaveYourHeart Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 Lost, if you have a sexless marriage, your husband probably isn't very happy in this marriage either. Cut the cord so that both of y'all can find the passion and love that you deserve. You're stealing away years that your husband could be spending happily with someone else. Don't prolong the inevitable. Don't live your life this way if it makes you unhappy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Fdb Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 (edited) I am going through it right now, after 19 years, after left home country and being a foreigner here. It is not easy...... if the need to leave reason far far more than the reason to stay. It is time to leave. I am 44, female, it is not easy to accept that I will be alone. Meanwhile it is not possible to spend life with someone only cares about himself for rest of the life. I wish he could change to give me any hope to continue, but unfortunately he is unable to change at all (per his word, he is at his best) Take a day at a time. Live, love, laugh and pray. I am believer, I believe good thing will happen to good people ( I assume I am good people) Edited August 9, 2017 by Fdb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Aloneuk Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 How's everyone doing? I've been having some down days, think that's normal though. Looking forward to moving into a more permanent place in a few weeks which I hope will help my mood. Have also enrolled into an evening class if a subject I'm interested in starting at the end of next month. Smallsteps but hopefully in the right direction.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostandLonging Posted August 24, 2017 Author Share Posted August 24, 2017 Sorry to hear about your down days, Alone. Still the same old story for me... Link to post Share on other sites
Aloneuk Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 Sorry to hear about your down days, Alone. Still the same old story for me... Hi Lost Good to hear from you Any movement on your situation at all or is it still the same? Link to post Share on other sites
MidlifeMama Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 (edited) LostandLonging & Aloneuk, I have been following this thread. New to this site after leaving a different support group where most of the people were hurt by the partner cheating or not wanting the divorce. People are so angry and can be very "judgey" regarding a person who wants to divorce but is struggling to make that decision! I saw this post and read the entire thread. It speaks to me on soo many levels! Married for almost 25 years to a good guy. Coming out of an abusive relationship for 7 years at a very young age. Found a great, stable man whom I fell for on so many levels except sexually. I told myself that was not all that important. I had found security and he found someone he could take care of. I had a son previous and he was difficult. Fast forward (addiction-my son) and mental illness. My husband checked out of that and I was dealing with hiding it and keeping the family from my sons problems. It took it's toll on me. We had 2 children together who are great people. Anyway I played the good wife role for years and years. All decisions were based on my husbands wants and childrens needs. We have been through major moves, a failed business and bankruptcy. We have kept it all together. The kids are grown now and I am lost. My husband is a good guy but emotionless. We are polar opposite. I am an extrovert, he an introvert. We do things together but it feels forced and just has no passion. He has no real passion for life or for me for that matter. I have tried everything. I have taken on hobbies to disguise my unhappiness. I have tried to put passion where there is none (even becoming a Pure Romance consultant). In hindsite, that was ridiculious as it wasn't ever really there. There has always been a nagging feeling that we are not and have never been sexually compatible. I could go on and on. What I want to say is this thread is me. I love my husband and many will come here and say sure you do, you just used a good guy. No, I fell for a secure, loving man whom I still love and respect but can not see myself with any longer. Why must there be abuse to leave? Malaise, connection both emotionally, energy wise and sexually has made me face my reality of wanting a divorce. Hurting a person I have spent half of my life with is very difficult. Thus the support of a thread like this. I have talked with my husband 2 years ago about a possible divorce. He was crushed and I panniced and said, Never mind, I dont want to hurt you, lets work at it. We just go through the motions. "Hi, how was your day?" "Fine" "Love you, "Love you too". I am stuck in a world of not wanting to hurt. Not wanting to hurt him and our children. Our children are now 23 & 21. They, especially my daughter think we will be together forever. I can support myself but it will take a major blow to income, though I am able to live simply. Here's another problem with leaving... I would want to move back South. Currently in the Midwest and hate winters. I would miss my children so much. Anyone have the courage to divorce AND move away from their grown children? Lostand Longing and Aloneuk, I SOOOO get everything you have posted. It is me too! Edited August 31, 2017 by MidlifeMama 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MidlifeMama Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 Any of you seen the movie, "The Private Lives of Pippa Lee?" this movie will hit a nerve with you. It did for me! Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 'Wants divorce but struggling to make that decision'... She has already made that decision in her attitude/mindset... it's only that she has yet to "do" anything to take that decision into action. Big difference! Link to post Share on other sites
MMT Posted September 3, 2017 Share Posted September 3, 2017 My dear, After reading your words I came to the conclusion that you are very lost and undefined, not because of your relationships, but because of not finding out and figuring out who you are over the years. You are responsible for that. Truth be told, no one should make you buy a house and use up all your savings, you chose that because of not being assertive in yourself and not having your own identity. No one is responsible for that but yourself. I am in a relationship and I am my own individual, no one can tell me what to do or not to do, however, I've been lost before, because I wasn't defined, not because of anyone else's fault, but my own. Learn to make decisions within the context of your relationship, running away will not make it any better. Figure out who you are, what you like, and don't be a people pleaser. Be honest, develop truth and uniqueness, find out who you truly are. If you can accomplish this in a relationship you'll be such a winner because of the opposing contrast. Best of luck in finding your true self. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostandLonging Posted September 5, 2017 Author Share Posted September 5, 2017 MidLifeMama I was just reading through your post. It made me sad that you had to preface it saying you didn’t want any judgment. It’s a shame how horrible people can be. How is everyone doing? I am still in the same place I was at a few months ago. Last week I took a few days away on my own and hoped that that would give me some clarity and strength but I still feel as lost as ever. Learn to make decisions within the context ofyour relationship, running away will not make it any better. See now this is the crap that bugs me. Running away? Running away from what? I am there in body only right now. My heart and mind are gone, living another life on my own. You want me to what… force it so as to not be shamed and told I’m “running away”? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostandLonging Posted September 5, 2017 Author Share Posted September 5, 2017 What I want to say is this thread is me. I love my husband and many will come here and say sure you do, you just used a good guy. No, I fell for a secure, loving man whom I still love and respect but can not see myself with any longer. Why must there be abuse to leave? There doesn’t have to be something wrong for it to still not be right. x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostandLonging Posted September 5, 2017 Author Share Posted September 5, 2017 Any of you seen the movie, "The Private Lives of Pippa Lee?" this movie will hit a nerve with you. It did for me! I have not seen it. I am constantly told about a quote from Eat Pray Love that reminds people of me/my situation, though. Maybe you can relate to it as well: “Hadn't I wanted this? I had actively participated in every moment of the creation of this life. So why didn't I see myself in any of it? The only thing more impossible than staying... was leaving. I didn't want to hurt anybody, I wanted to slip quietly out the back door”. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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