Wanting to leave a good relationship

[Aloneuk]

It's helped me to write down the reasons I don't want to be here any more - it's several pages - and then list the good points of the relationship... which amounted to three lines. If I find myself doubting, I look at the list again to reaffirm that I'm doing the right thing for ME. Selfish perhaps, but that document reminds me that I'm not the one that's been a self-serving whatsit for the best part of 20 years.

 

D-day is coming in a couple of weeks. Just trying to sort somewhere to live and plan for living off less money.

 

Good luck. It won't always be easy and you'll probably question whether you've done the right thing at times...I have! But stay strong!

 

Let us know how you get on.

[SaveYourHeart]

Lost, if you have a sexless marriage, your husband probably isn't very happy in this marriage either. Cut the cord so that both of y'all can find the passion and love that you deserve. You're stealing away years that your husband could be spending happily with someone else. Don't prolong the inevitable. Don't live your life this way if it makes you unhappy.

[Fdb]

I am going through it right now, after 19 years, after left home country and being a foreigner here.

It is not easy......

if the need to leave reason far far more than the reason to stay. It is time to leave.

I am 44, female, it is not easy to accept that I will be alone. Meanwhile it is not possible to spend life with someone only cares about himself for rest of the life. I wish he could change to give me any hope to continue, but unfortunately he is unable to change at all (per his word, he is at his best)

Take a day at a time. Live, love, laugh and pray.

I am believer, I believe good thing will happen to good people ( I assume I am good people)

Edited August 9, 2017 by Fdb

[Aloneuk]

How's everyone doing?

 

I've been having some down days, think that's normal though. Looking forward to moving into a more permanent place in a few weeks which I hope will help my mood. Have also enrolled into an evening class if a subject I'm interested in starting at the end of next month. Smallsteps but hopefully in the right direction....

[LostandLonging]

Sorry to hear about your down days, Alone. Still the same old story for me...

[Aloneuk]

Sorry to hear about your down days, Alone. Still the same old story for me...

 

Hi Lost

 

Good to hear from you

Any movement on your situation at all or is it still the same?

[MidlifeMama]

LostandLonging & Aloneuk,

I have been following this thread. New to this site after leaving a different support group where most of the people were hurt by the partner cheating or not wanting the divorce. People are so angry and can be very "judgey" regarding a person who wants to divorce but is struggling to make that decision!

 

I saw this post and read the entire thread. It speaks to me on soo many levels!

 

Married for almost 25 years to a good guy. Coming out of an abusive relationship for 7 years at a very young age. Found a great, stable man whom I fell for on so many levels except sexually. I told myself that was not all that important. I had found security and he found someone he could take care of.

 

I had a son previous and he was difficult. Fast forward (addiction-my son) and mental illness. My husband checked out of that and I was dealing with hiding it and keeping the family from my sons problems. It took it's toll on me. We had 2 children together who are great people. Anyway I played the good wife role for years and years. All decisions were based on my husbands wants and childrens needs.

 

We have been through major moves, a failed business and bankruptcy. We have kept it all together. The kids are grown now and I am lost.

 

My husband is a good guy but emotionless. We are polar opposite. I am an extrovert, he an introvert. We do things together but it feels forced and just has no passion. He has no real passion for life or for me for that matter. I have tried everything. I have taken on hobbies to disguise my unhappiness. I have tried to put passion where there is none (even becoming a Pure Romance consultant). In hindsite, that was ridiculious as it wasn't ever really there. There has always been a nagging feeling that we are not and have never been sexually compatible.

 

I could go on and on. What I want to say is this thread is me. I love my husband and many will come here and say sure you do, you just used a good guy. No, I fell for a secure, loving man whom I still love and respect but can not see myself with any longer. Why must there be abuse to leave?

 

Malaise, connection both emotionally, energy wise and sexually has made me face my reality of wanting a divorce. Hurting a person I have spent half of my life with is very difficult. Thus the support of a thread like this.

 

I have talked with my husband 2 years ago about a possible divorce. He was crushed and I panniced and said, Never mind, I dont want to hurt you, lets work at it. We just go through the motions. "Hi, how was your day?" "Fine" "Love you, "Love you too". I am stuck in a world of not wanting to hurt. Not wanting to hurt him and our children.

 

Our children are now 23 & 21. They, especially my daughter think we will be together forever.

 

I can support myself but it will take a major blow to income, though I am able to live simply.

 

Here's another problem with leaving... I would want to move back South. Currently in the Midwest and hate winters. I would miss my children so much.

 

Anyone have the courage to divorce AND move away from their grown children?

 

Lostand Longing and Aloneuk, I SOOOO get everything you have posted. It is me too!

Edited August 31, 2017 by MidlifeMama

[MidlifeMama]

Any of you seen the movie, "The Private Lives of Pippa Lee?" this movie will hit a nerve with you. It did for me!

[MMT]

My dear,

 

After reading your words I came to the conclusion that you are very lost and undefined, not because of your relationships, but because of not finding out and figuring out who you are over the years. You are responsible for that.

 

Truth be told, no one should make you buy a house and use up all your savings, you chose that because of not being assertive in yourself and not having your own identity. No one is responsible for that but yourself.

 

I am in a relationship and I am my own individual, no one can tell me what to do or not to do, however, I've been lost before, because I wasn't defined, not because of anyone else's fault, but my own.

 

Learn to make decisions within the context of your relationship, running away will not make it any better.

Figure out who you are, what you like, and don't be a people pleaser. Be honest, develop truth and uniqueness, find out who you truly are. If you can accomplish this in a relationship you'll be such a winner because of the opposing contrast.

 

Best of luck in finding your true self.

[LostandLonging]

MidLifeMama I was just reading through your post. It made me sad that you had to preface it saying you didn’t want any judgment. It’s a shame how horrible people can be.

 

How is everyone doing? I am still in the same place I was at a few months ago. Last week I took a few days away on my own and hoped that that would give me some clarity and strength but I still feel as lost as ever.

 

Learn to make decisions within the context ofyour relationship, running away will not make it any better.

 

See now this is the crap that bugs me. Running away? Running away from what?

 

I am there in body only right now. My heart and mind are gone, living another life on my own. You want me to what… force it so as to not be shamed and told I’m “running away”?

[LostandLonging]

What I want to say is this thread is me. I love my husband and many will come here and say sure you do, you just used a good guy. No, I fell for a secure, loving man whom I still love and respect but can not see myself with any longer. Why must there be abuse to leave?

 

 

There doesn’t have to be something wrong for it to still not be right. x

[LostandLonging]

Any of you seen the movie, "The Private Lives of Pippa Lee?" this movie will hit a nerve with you. It did for me!

 

I have not seen it. I am constantly told about a quote from Eat Pray Love that reminds people of me/my situation, though. Maybe you can relate to it as well:

 

“Hadn't I wanted this? I had actively participated in every moment of the creation of this life. So why didn't I see myself in any of it? The only thing more impossible than staying... was leaving. I didn't want to hurt anybody, I wanted to slip quietly out the back door”.

[DKT3]

MidLifeMama I was just reading through your post. It made me sad that you had to preface it saying you didn’t want any judgment. It’s a shame how horrible people can be.

 

How is everyone doing? I am still in the same place I was at a few months ago. Last week I took a few days away on my own and hoped that that would give me some clarity and strength but I still feel as lost as ever.

 

 

 

See now this is the crap that bugs me. Running away? Running away from what?

 

I am there in body only right now. My heart and mind are gone, living another life on my own. You want me to what… force it so as to not be shamed and told I’m “running away”?

 

I don't think anyone is saying stay or go. What people, I believe are getting at is make a decision already.

 

Like I told midlifemama, you aren't doing these guys any favors. You pine for something better and that leaves them stuck with women who don't want them. You guys don't stay because you don't want to hurt them (maybe a small portion) you stay because you're scared, for whatever reason, you don't want to give up that safety blanket that you could always count on.

 

How I see it, if I'm being honest, I see a couple bored middle age women who think they've missed out and never enjoyed the path they took.

 

Leaving in all honesty is what best for this men, at least afford them opportunities to know what it's like to love a woman who loves them for more than a safety blanket.

[LostandLonging]

I don't think anyone is saying stay or go. What people, I believe are getting at is make a decision already.

 

Like I told midlifemama, you aren't doing these guys any favors. You pine for something better and that leaves them stuck with women who don't want them. You guys don't stay because you don't want to hurt them (maybe a small portion) you stay because you're scared, for whatever reason, you don't want to give up that safety blanket that you could always count on.

 

How I see it, if I'm being honest, I see a couple bored middle age women who think they've missed out and never enjoyed the path they took.

 

Leaving in all honesty is what best for this men, at least afford them opportunities to know what it's like to love a woman who loves them for more than a safety blanket.

 

I agree with a lot of what you say.

 

I’m not sure about MLM, but I struggle when I hurt someone. Physically and mentally. I throw up. I cry. Not just immediately. For months afterward. One of my main issues is hurting him and struggling to forgive myself for that. I know myself.

 

I am curious. If we were men sharing these same stories, would you see us as “bored, middle aged men”?

[MidlifeMama]

EXACTLY Lost

I so get it! I can not understand why some people will only look at our type of situation as,"You need to try harder". "You need to stick with it". "You need to not expect marriage to give you sexual satisfaction". "You need to suck it up". WTF???!!!

I think half those people are either marriage til death no matter what or the jilted and hurt.

Simply we are having a tough time leaving someone we care about very much and we are torn. Does it mean we haven't tried? Hell no, we have probably tried too long. Do we want everyone to say divorce, get it over with, also no. I know, confusing, but the reality is we are stuck in a parallell universe and unable to make a very tough decision.

 

No one touches on the other side either. Like, I know my husband isn't truly happy, but he refuses to talk about anything. I have had to drag any kind of emotion out of him the entire almost 26 years together. He can't be happy. He knows me and he knows I'm not 100%. I have given 100% in bad, previous relationships, it is how I am. I have stayed too long in this one and past ones due to not wanting to hurt others. That's my issue. I want to please. I am co-dependent.

But getting back to the OP point of view, what is in it for them to stay when they know (whether in their face daily or underneath it all) to stay? Maybe they also don't want to be the bad guy?

It's all so complicated but yet so clear and it hurts to want to leave.

 

Lost,

I think we may share some feelings underneath this all about how good the man that came into our life is and how they know us and our messy past and emotions that went with all of that. They know our family secrets and maybe deep down we feel like no one will love us and care for our "emotions" the way that they have. So I will just say it point blank...we settle for less. We have a lot but settle for just enough to make a marriage work.

I read another post where the person said,"If I stay I have to realize that this is the best it will ever be , with this person." That hit a chord with me. I thought about the qualities I want in a spouse and I do know my husband fits so many but I will never have something that is more important to me than I allowed myself to want and that is a deeper emotional and sexual partner. NOT just sex, but all that comes with that closeness.

 

I know I have work to do on myself on many levels having left a 7 year abusive relationship prior to jumping into marriage. I have no rose-colored glasses on about meeting THE PERFECT man, but maybe the future holds someone more suited for me. My self-esteem had not grown enough as a person, a mature person to ever realize that.

 

But, we hang on to someone who has provided a missing piece. Is it enough anymore? I don't think so. Time is ticking and surely I would like my spouse to be able to find someone more suited for me, yet there is that tiny bit of jealousy if he does someday as I would know what a great guy she is getting.

All so complicated love is!

[MidlifeMama]

EAT, PRAY, LOVE...I saw it and saw it again and again. That's how much it hits a nerve with me.

Middle aged women who think they haven't lived?? How cliche', it is not always about that. I do admit that being a mother at 19 and a wife for almost 25 years does take a huge chunk of ones life. Though It is what I wanted, now that the kids are grown, I do find myself wondering,"What's Next?". Who am I . Did I ever give myself any time to find out? When you have someone beside you who is compatible and wanting to walk the same road and still has vigor for life, that's great. But what if you find yourself walking the path next to someone who seems to want to go ahead and grow old at a young age?

[MidlifeMama]

I have not seen it. I am constantly told about a quote from Eat Pray Love that reminds people of me/my situation, though. Maybe you can relate to it as well:

 

“Hadn't I wanted this? I had actively participated in every moment of the creation of this life. So why didn't I see myself in any of it? The only thing more impossible than staying... was leaving. I didn't want to hurt anybody, I wanted to slip quietly out the back door”.

 

I don't think anyone is saying stay or go. What people, I believe are getting at is make a decision already.

 

Like I told midlifemama, you aren't doing these guys any favors. You pine for something better and that leaves them stuck with women who don't want them. You guys don't stay because you don't want to hurt them (maybe a small portion) you stay because you're scared, for whatever reason, you don't want to give up that safety blanket that you could always count on.

 

How I see it, if I'm being honest, I see a couple bored middle age women who think they've missed out and never enjoyed the path they took.

 

Leaving in all honesty is what best for this men, at least afford them opportunities to know what it's like to love a woman who loves them for more than a safety blanket.

 

It takes two to have a relationship. Have you considered that the men may have issues also? It can be safe to attach to a woman that needs you so much. Do they love us? Of course. Are we not EACHOTHERS safety blanket? Had Lost & I not contributed to the marriage? If not, why had these men stayed?

[MidlifeMama]

I have not seen it. I am constantly told about a quote from Eat Pray Love that reminds people of me/my situation, though. Maybe you can relate to it as well:

“Hadn't I wanted this? I had actively participated in every moment of the creation of this life. So why didn't I see myself in any of it? The only thing more impossible than staying... was leaving. I didn't want to hurt anybody, I wanted to slip quietly out the back door”.

 

THIS all the time. First time I heard it and then saw the movie, I cried for a very long time. I cried because I know it's how I feel, yet I am frozen to make the break. I am terrified, I will admit it. I have come to depend on my spouse to shield me from the world. In all honesty, he isn't very emotional and I have been shielding myself and not giving myself enough credit to know how strong I have been. I don't always trust myself to make the best decisions so being in a marriage is a safety blanket as a poster has said. I do not want to hurt someone else yet limbo IS hurting him and me. I am giving my marriage til the end of the year. I will try hard to discuss my pain with my husband like I did 2 years ago but I feel I have checked out. I will get some counseling, though like you, I have been down this road. I know I can no longer stay in limbo. It's going to be accept and give as much as I can or leave.

[MidlifeMama]

How's everyone doing?

 

I've been having some down days, think that's normal though. Looking forward to moving into a more permanent place in a few weeks which I hope will help my mood. Have also enrolled into an evening class if a subject I'm interested in starting at the end of next month. Smallsteps but hopefully in the right direction....

 

Hi Alone,

I have read through some of your posts but missed where you actually were able to make the break. Can you share that if you don't mind? And how are you doing?

[MidlifeMama]

MidLifeMama I was just reading through your post. It made me sad that you had to preface it saying you didn’t want any judgment. It’s a shame how horrible people can be.

 

How is everyone doing? I am still in the same place I was at a few months ago. Last week I took a few days away on my own and hoped that that would give me some clarity and strength but I still feel as lost as ever.

 

 

 

See now this is the crap that bugs me. Running away? Running away from what?

 

I am there in body only right now. My heart and mind are gone, living another life on my own. You want me to what… force it so as to not be shamed and told Im “running away”?

 

I posted already on this, but still figuring out the quote thing, so forgive me, but wanted to touch on this.

"Running away"..wtf? Why can't people post that can relate? Why does this particular issue strike such a nasty cord with others? Why do they not seek out the threads about being the hurt one or the one who stays no matter what?

[MidlifeMama]

There doesn’t have to be something wrong for it to still not be right. x

 

YES! This is it right there. Though underneath it all, there is something not quite right. You and I both know it and FEEL it and that's the thing

[MidlifeMama]

LostandLonging,

 

I am wondering if you have had any conversations with your husband? I brought up divorce 2 years ago. Got scared because he reacted with devastation and then I quickly said, "Let's forget I said that and work on things." I did work on them all of last year. Mostly by doing more together (though our "friendship" is not ever been the problem). But that feeling of married friends only has stuck with me.

 

I'm back to feeling a loss of romantic and sexual connection and longing for that. My husband senses it. You can't hide it. He does deserve more and I find it hard to convince myself that I deserve more since he's such a great guy.

 

I try to picture the future of how we both will look outside of this marriage. That makes me anxious. It's because it has been US for almost 26 years. I am strong and can be very independent but he is a soft place to land.

 

I think people on here judge that we just use these good men. There may be people in situations like that but that is not my situation, nor do I think it's your situation. Our spouses get plenty out of our marriages and I do believe they both know something is missing, yet they feel they have ,"enough."

 

I am hoping that when I make the decision to go, that we can work amicably towards ending it and become and remain close over the years to come. I do think some who divorce have been able to achieve this. I think going through the hard stuff first is what we are afraid of. Maybe we need to give our spouses more credit to bounce back?

[LostandLonging]

Hi MLM. Hope you're doing OK today.

 

Yes we have spoken in the past. Firstly when we were in the process of buying our home in 2013 I had a panic attack. I knew I wasn't ready to buy a property but rather than listening to what I truly wanted, I allowed myself to listen to other people telling me what I should want.

 

When he reacted with devastation at my admission that I wasn't ready, like you I immediately crumbled and said don't worry about it. Having being brought up as a people pleaser, I would just suffer in silence and hope everything works itself out.

 

A few times since then I have sat him down to have "the talk" but once again crumbled. I think a lot of it is because I feel as though I don't have a valid reason. He hasn't DONE anything wrong, I just don't want to be in a relationship anymore. It's a simple and as complicated as that.

 

I always thought I needed a partner to be whole. Before him I was in 2 other relationships. From the age of 17 I have had to run every decision in my life by someone else. Not to sound too vain but I am not shy of male attention either. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean your heart and body switch off from reacting to anyone else who enters your life. I have had to reject and resist temptation and that hasn't been easy, especially for someone like me who believes that monogamy is unnatural. I know that completely contradicts the way I've lived but never underestimate the power of conditioning and societal pressure. I have never had the chance to explore my sexuality the way I want to. Sex is the absolute least of it but of course it is part of it.

 

I think people judge too. I care for my partner and think he's a wonderful man - that's what makes this so hard.

Edited September 7, 2017 by LostandLonging

[LostandLonging]

Absolutely I can. For some reason I am frozen when it comes to doing anything about it.

 

I'll say this for the I don't know whath time. YES I have been to counselling. YES I have been to various counsellors on many occasions. NO I cannot afford to go back.

 

I'm not in America. There are very few services here that are reasonably priced and apply to me.

 

Please, PLEASE stop suggesting counselling.

Edited September 7, 2017 by LostandLonging

[Just a Guy]

Hi LandL, after reading through the essential parts of your thread all I can say is "Just do it" which is the famous Nike logo. Wanting to longing to and so on and so forth will not solve your problem. Will it shatter your husband? I don't think so. He had a life before you and he will have a life after you. The longer you go on like this the more you will be torturing yourself.

 

The fact is that at present you are living your life in limbo. The moniker you have chosen for yourself is partially I incorrect according to my thinking. You are not lost. On the contrary you are clear about what you want. What you are actually is that you are afraid. Not afraid of being on your own but afraid of hurting your husband's feelings. What is it that they say, "Charity begins at home". First be kind to yourself before you can begin to be kind to others. You have been conditioned from an early age to please other people and that has got ingrained in you.

 

Just tighten your belt have that discussion with your husband and implement your decision without faltering. Before you do that, get your ducks in a row as they say. However, as another saying goes "No pain no gain". Even a baby and his/her mother go through pain at the birth and when the umbilical cord is cut. You have to resolve to be born again and cut the umbilical cord which you have been switching from one relationship to another. Warm wishes.