Wanting to leave a good relationship

[BluesPower]

I love this and thank you so much. Part of my fear is people thinking I am selfish. Yes I have done selfish acts within my marriage, but my heart still hurts to hurt him and the kids..good point. Mine are grown and yet still come to ME, only me, not Dad for answers to all their questions and problems. I am starting to realize they really don't want me to solve them anyway and so I am trying the approach of,"What do you think you should do about XYZ?"A big part of my guilt in leaving is wanting to move away. Who does that? Yes, I have raised my children, but older kids always still want their parents, right? I would definitely take a lot of crap, anger and hurt from them if I go. I would hope that could heal over time. I would make it clear I am not divorcing them but I'm sure it wont feel that way.

Did your kids get over it o.k.? Did you remain near them in the same area?

I so want to think of me now and I think Lost does also, it's hard to get there when you have been a people pleaser and co-dependent your entire life

I want to pee my pants happy about being ME too Blues!!

 

For the most part... they are fine. They are fine with the divorce, but our marriage was rocky in general. And they were aware of their mother's drug use when it finally came out in the open. They saw the damage that it did to me and the family.

 

My youngest son still lives with me as he is in collage. He seems to have the most trouble with the divorce and my GF's that have come and gone.

 

But, he is adjusting as far as I can tell.

 

The thing is for both of you guys is this: Yes you love your husbands in a way, but not with passion with the comfort love.

 

For some people that is enough. I personally think that any man that is not taking care of his wife's sexual and emotional needs properly is just really out of line. I don't think anyone should live is such a situation, male or female.

 

Sex was something that my Ex never had to do without, emotional maybe was not always their because of her craziness.

 

The bottom line is that some marriages just run out of steam and I am not sure that anyone should stay in them.

 

If you can get back to a good place then great, if not, bail...

[LostandLonging]

I'm not sure why, but hearing this quote on a TV show tonight made me think of our situations:

 

"You can hear it can't you? That little voice. The one that says, "Don't do anything you might regret." I used to be the same. Whenever I wanted something, I could hear that voice telling me to stop. To be careful. To leave most of my life un-lived. You know the only place that voice left me alone? In my dreams. I was free. I could be as good, or as bad, as I felt like being. And if I wanted something, I could just reach out and take it. But then I would wake up, and the voice would start all over again. So I ran away, crossed the shining sea. And when I finally set foot back on solid ground, the first thing I heard was that goddamn voice. Do you know what it said? It said, "This is the new world, and in this world, you can be whoever the f**k you want."

[MidlifeMama]

I'm not sure why, but hearing this quote on a TV show tonight made me think of our situations:

 

"You can hear it can't you? That little voice. The one that says, "Don't do anything you might regret." I used to be the same. Whenever I wanted something, I could hear that voice telling me to stop. To be careful. To leave most of my life un-lived. You know the only place that voice left me alone? In my dreams. I was free. I could be as good, or as bad, as I felt like being. And if I wanted something, I could just reach out and take it. But then I would wake up, and the voice would start all over again. So I ran away, crossed the shining sea. And when I finally set foot back on solid ground, the first thing I heard was that goddamn voice. Do you know what it said? It said, "This is the new world, and in this world, you can be whoever the f**k you want."

 

That voice, YES! It's like the devil and angel, each on a shoulder. It shouldn't be that way. But deep down we want nothing to do with our own true happiness if it involves hurting others. The other side of this is... what if we fly and it turns out to be a sh** storm or so much no ?? What if we never really find someone who accepts and protects us like the one we left? What if our family and friends disconnect from us?

A lot of "What-If's" but life has no guarantees either. I recently looked at my situation to see if I could find other ways to stay and be happy in it and I realized that though I could continue to try new things to distract myself, the one thing that will not change is that feeling of not having the "feelings" I think I should have for my spouse. I could go on like this forever, status quo and give all to him that I can, yet I know that "feeling" I so desire to run, be free, have a romantic connection will not go away. Some events recently took place that the universe keeps telling me that my family needs me in a big way and so here I am, being there for them. I am going day by day and searching myself for what's in my gut. Unfortunately or maybe someday fortunately, my gut tells me to go. Someday I think I will go.

Hope you are hanging in there Lost. I am here!

[MidlifeMama]

I'm not sure why, but hearing this quote on a TV show tonight made me think of our situations:

 

"You can hear it can't you? That little voice. The one that says, "Don't do anything you might regret." I used to be the same. Whenever I wanted something, I could hear that voice telling me to stop. To be careful. To leave most of my life un-lived. You know the only place that voice left me alone? In my dreams. I was free. I could be as good, or as bad, as I felt like being. And if I wanted something, I could just reach out and take it. But then I would wake up, and the voice would start all over again. So I ran away, crossed the shining sea. And when I finally set foot back on solid ground, the first thing I heard was that goddamn voice. Do you know what it said? It said, "This is the new world, and in this world, you can be whoever the f**k you want."

I hope so, someday. Hope I don't wait too long to realize I matter too. I hope this for you also Lost!

[LostandLonging]

Hope you're hanging in there too, Mama! ❤️

[MidlifeMama]

Lost,

 

I read something the other day about a woman who had a hard time divorcing. When she finally did and people asked why, "He was such a good guy",

she said,"We are both good people, just not good for each other.

 

I've also been thinking recently about if I do this, do I tell my husband that it's me, I want to be free to explore my life on my own or do I tell him, the incompatibilities I feel in our personalities and sexually?

 

Some may say spare him the pain of the sex talk and take one for the team by blaming myself only with my wanting to "Chart my own path" as you have said in a previous post. It's hard to know what to say , all, a bit or none? In all fairness he should know all the reasons.

 

I had a friend years ago who told her first husband,"I just do not feel for you what a wife should feel for her husband."

[Aloneuk]

Hi everyone

 

Thought I'd post an update on where I'm at. I left H for the final time in June (we had been on and off trying to make it work with the help of marriage counselling for nearly a year prior to that). A week ago I moved into a new more permanent place. H helped me move. We're very amicable, we talk regularly (we still share a dog and a business). I had a family wedding recently and he still came to that as we havent told extended family about our split yet.

 

The more time that H is on his own, the more he understands why this has happened and has actually started to imply that he wasnt perhaps as happy in the relationship as he thought he was. He would still reconcile I think if I suggested it, but he is definitely more impartial now and says he can see the things that weren't great in the marriage.

 

I have had a difficult few months. The weight of my decision has borne down on me (am I doing the right thing? What if I'm making a mistake?) But i need to keep going forward. This has been a long time coming and although its really tough, its the right thing right now.

 

The way my H has come round to almost agreeing with me has made me wonder if that could happen to you, too? We've all painted our Hs out to be these great men who are so happy in the marriages and wouldnt cope if we left them. My H gave that impression initially but you know what? He's doing just fine. And in some ways probably better than me, because he's not struggling with the guilt of the decision and wondering if it was the right thing.

 

I hope this helps a little. Remember that not making a decision IS making a decision, because you'll be staying by default.

[MidlifeMama]

Thank you sharing your update Alone

I read through your threads and this one and those of Lost. I have been following this thread.

I certainly appreciate the real, frank reality of your situation. I'm glad it is turning out to be o.k.

I think you are so right, those of us who have painted how great our H's are and how they couldn't cope if we left may very well be just fine and are not as happy as we believe. I think a big part of that is knowing deep down that we are not in the marriage 100%. They know us, feel it. They also want more.

I hope you continue to move forward and find peace and happiness.

[MidlifeMama]

Google the blog from xoJane. I read her article,"I Love My Husband More Than Ever, But We're Getting a Divorce." It touches on some things I think we may both relate to.

[BluesPower]

What you three ladies are dealing with is tough...

 

It to tough to decide to end a marriage that is "really not that bad".

 

And all of your husbands may be "really good guys", and I for one don't doubt that they really are.

 

But think about this. If you are not attracted to him, physically and sexually, are you really doing him a favor by staying with him? You may be doing yourself a favor by enjoying the comfort and financial security of the relationship, but you are not really doing him any favors.

 

Your husbands may hurt when you end the marriage, but I think over time, they will be better in the long run with the right woman.

 

I personally think that ANY spouse that is not meeting the sexual needs of their partner is in the wrong in a big way. And why some men, and I am sure some women, just lose interest in sex and that physical closeness is a complete mystery to me. I cannot even wrap my head around it at all.

 

To MM, while it may hurt his feelings to tell him the truth about the sexual things and the lack of attraction, don't you think that you WOULD be doing him a favor in telling him. Not for your relationship, because that is done, but for his future GF's and wives if he get married. I mean if he needs to work on his game, it would help if he knew what the issues are.

 

If fact, as you decide to move on, and I think you all will, I think you should have a kind talk or write a letter to your husbands so that they know where they are weak in a relationship and possible have the chance to change it in the future.

 

But do want to encourage all of you not to waste your life waiting for someone to change to better suite your needs. It most likely will never happen and all you are doing is wasting you life waiting and living in fear of your decision...

 

Good luck girls...

[LostandLonging]

Google the blog from xoJane. I read her article,"I Love My Husband More Than Ever, But We're Getting a Divorce." It touches on some things I think we may both relate to.

 

Loved it!!!

[MidlifeMama]

How are you doing Lost?

 

I am on such a roller coaster!

 

Some days I want to stay for the comfort of my relationship. So many bad things in the world. Leaving my family seems impossible.

 

Other days, I want to go, be a different person in the world on my own.

 

I am having terrible guilt, so I decided to be kind... to try to work on myself in areas that have nothing to do with my husband. Also, looking at what's good and decent in my marriage. IF I do decide to divorce, I want to know that I did all I could. I don't want to walk away with regrets and doubts. The hurt, that can't be helped I have come to that very real reality.

 

I am going to even try to explore sexual feelings for him again. I tried to remember what brought me to him in the first place. Since it wasn't sexual attraction, I have to dig deep (sad, but the truth) but so many other qualities that made me love him.

 

I do realize that part of me is not going away. I am also not getting younger and life is going fast. I do think this limbo thing has to stop. I bet you feel the same. Tough decisions ahead. Even staying is a tough decision because the mindset has to change to give it 100% and forget divorce or get out 100%.

 

Just venting some thoughts and checking in on you.

[Fdb]

I think no matter who we are with, we always have some unique problems. Changing partners will be the solution for all problems.

I always think that people do not have be good at everything, if just one thing he is really good at, still worth to work on the difference.

Why I am divorcing: can not find anything to hold on to anymore. He used to have ok temper, that was only good aspect. With the changing of my work status, he became more demanding, short-tempered and said meaning things to me and deliberately did things to make me feel less worthy. Seems his only value vanished too

[LostandLonging]

How are you doing Lost?

 

Hey MLM!

 

Thanks so much for checking in on me.

 

I am on such a roller coaster!

 

Some days I want to stay for the comfort of my relationship. So many bad things in the world. Leaving my family seems impossible.

 

Other days, I want to go, be a different person in the world on my own

 

I am sorry to hear that. I’m in the same position as you. The same one I’ve been in for years…

 

The nagging feeling that I’m not living life honestly and for myself never goes away, but I force myself to ignore it, smile and just get on with life because some days it’s just easier that way. I hate it, but I still cannot muster up the courage to do anything about it.

 

IF I do decide to divorce, I want to know that I did all I could. I don't want to walk away with regrets and doubts. The hurt, that can't be helped I have come to that very real reality.

 

 

Yes, I am coming to see that the hurt can’t be avoided.

 

I am going to even try to explore sexual feelings for him again. I tried to remember what brought me to him in the first place. Since it wasn't sexual attraction, I have to dig deep (sad, but the truth) but so many other qualities that made me love him.

 

If I am being brutally honest, what brought me to my guy is that I was weak and codependent when we met. I would latch on to any man who cared for me and paid me attention, and he just happened to be there. I know that sounds cruel, but when I was 21 I didn’t care. I always knew things weren’t quite right (sex has ALWAYS felt like a chore, even in the honeymoon period) but stayed out of fear and guilt.

 

I am also not getting younger and life is going fast. I do think this limbo thing has to stop. I bet you feel the same. Tough decisions ahead.

 

Yes, I was thinking about it just this morning in fact. About how I feel like I have blinked and gone from being a fresh faced girl with her life ahead of her to pushing 40 (not that 40 is old at all, but I mean I have spent the best years of my life in this relationship). It wasn't meant to be this way.

[MidlifeMama]

Hey MLM!

 

Thanks so much for checking in on me.

 

 

 

I am sorry to hear that. I’m in the same position as you. The same one I’ve been in for years…

 

The nagging feeling that I’m not living life honestly and for myself never goes away, but I force myself to ignore it, smile and just get on with life because some days it’s just easier that way. I hate it, but I still cannot muster up the courage to do anything about it.

Oh yes, yes indeed. I feel the same. It's so hard. Sometimes I look around and see how people just go about life, unhappy, just in limbo like us. I watch couples eat dinner and stare off into space, seemingly nothing left to say to one another. I hear about older couples who have no desire for sex. I hear about younger couples who can't wait to have kids and think that will spark a better relationship. I observe a lot. I hear horror stories of abuse, addiction, and narcissistic behavior. I don't have that in my very safe, but boring relationship. Jumping ship at 50 years old seems to be a very difficult choice to make. Could I make it on my own? Sure. Will I be better off? Who knows. Maybe with some willingness to have bumps and bruises along the way. But I would hope to trust that I'm wiser. Wouldn't settle. Would trust my heart and my mind and be o.k. being alone if I never find another relationship.

 

 

Yes, I am coming to see that the hurt can’t be avoided.

 

 

 

If I am being brutally honest, what brought me to my guy is that I was weak and codependent when we met. I would latch on to any man who cared for me and paid me attention, and he just happened to be there. I know that sounds cruel, but when I was 21 I didn’t care. I always knew things weren’t quite right (sex has ALWAYS felt like a chore, even in the honeymoon period) but stayed out of fear and guilt.

 

Same. I had been at a very young age, in a 7 year relationship that was abusive. I wanted safety and normalcy. I found wonderful qualities in my husband. Still has though. I've changed, he has not. I grew up. Got to know me and my desires and wants. I put those aside to try be a perfect wife and Mother. Now, well, he's ready for the next chapter how it is supposed to be written..grandchildren, growing old together. Of course I want that some day, but at 50? He is already set in his recliner (no kidding) and o.k. with very little sex, and ready to grandparent. I just got the youngest grown. Good Lord.

 

 

Yes, I was thinking about it just this morning in fact. About how I feel like I have blinked and gone from being a fresh faced girl with her life ahead of her to pushing 40 (not that 40 is old at all, but I mean I have spent the best years of my life in this relationship). It wasn't meant to be this way.

40 is still young. I know you don't feel that as you've been in this so long, but trust me when I say, this next decade you'll grow even more. There's still time.

[LostandLonging]

How are you, MLM? AloneUK do you still check in here?

xx

[MidlifeMama]

I'm am doing o.k. I had a very serious discussion last night with my husband. We were both walking around with this elephant in the room. I said,"We aren't happy. Not just me, US." He was dreading this conversation.

 

He hates emotional stuff, hates bringing up serious issues. He even finally admitted if we don't talk about it doesn't exist, issues will go away.

 

He said he is afraid as 2 years ago I brought up divorce.

 

I have tried all these years to tell him that just because we have serious discussions doesn't always mean it's over, but it's actually my willingness to want to work on things (Is that out of guilt at this point?) Still, sometimes I think I am beating a dead horse.

 

He is who he is, I am who I am. The problem is I can't completely admit my wants and desires. I have asked for more communication and have expressed my concerns about our lack of intimacy yet I could never tell him I am avoiding the intimacy because I don't have an attraction to him. So what's the point of wanting more sex when I don't want to actually have it with him?? hmmmm I feel awful about that.

 

That isn't going to change. That won't change in your situation either Lost.

 

We see other qualities though that keep us in these relationships.

 

Someone posted on here in a thread about his sister and husband grew apart. She left for about a year as she didn't feel that connection or attraction. Wanted to explore her life on her own terms. She did that, didn't find what she was looking for. She went back and said,"I just couldn't do that to my best friend." That has stuck with me. So, do we accept our "Room Mate" situations because we are comfortable, scared and worried to hurt them?

 

My husband in many ways is my best friend. I just wish he was also lover material. Sad, but true. So, like you, I accept what I have been given in him and long for more without any real plan to change it.

 

I am working on myself and some issues and trying to heal some guilt and past issues and staying put (For now). Space and time seems to stand still, yet is flying by. I do feel deep down I may make the break at some point, just not now, not yet.

 

Hearing so many things come out of my mouth last night with our discussion, I realized it just isn't about lack of sex or attraction, but other issues I see in our relationship. I also try to balance those issues with what could be out there that I'd have to deal with, with another person. I KNOW my spouse. I know what he is like. He does not disrespect me. He has no addictions. He is kind and simple and a good man. A hard worker and good provider. BUT, he lacks in communication, has a low sex drive and doesn't always seem to accept my bigger personality. I often think back and kick myself and wish I'd followed my gut. He was BEST FRIEND material in so many ways, not a romantic relationship match. I stifled that inner voice in search of comfort and safety. I suspect you did the same Lost! It's o.k., it's what we needed and probably a big part of why we stay!

 

I hope you find happiness and strength to follow your gut. But, in the mean time, come back for any support you may need.

 

I also wonder how "Alone" is doing. She was the brave one!

[BluesPower]

MLM...

 

Are we to assume that your guilt is because you have had an affair? Or are still in one.

 

If not then what?

 

I understand that there are many considerations to think about, but low sex/no sex is surely one of them.

 

I really cannot understand living that way.

 

If you are even remotely thinking about putting some effort in to see if you have the remotest chance of staying together, then you have to be honest.

 

I mean really honest. So many time the other partner is so afraid to tell the other one about sexual issues, and lack of attraction. I know that it saves short term pain, but it adds to the pain in the long run.

 

I really think you have to be honest. Maybe he will lose weight or take better care of himself and step up his game if he really understood how close you are to leaving.

 

Just a thought...

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lostandlonging and Midlifemama, after reading these last few exchanges between you two all I can think of is that adage, "The blind leading the blind". I cannot claim to have a world of experience but if it's one thing I have learnt in life it is that fortune favours the brave. The two of you are going on and on trying to build each other up but are not doing the one thing that will get you results. Take the first step. If divorce seems a monumental first step then ask for a separation for whatever period of time you want and go out into the world and live on your own. Face the challenges that will inevitably come your way. I do not know if you can really date others while separated because legally speaking, you are still married to your husbands, but if you can have a clause inserted into the separation agreement about being free to date, then you can do so guilt free. This process is going to mean that you are going to step on your husband's toes. Both your husbands are going to howl in pain. But if you really want to test the waters then you cannot be constantly dipping your toes and withdrawing them immediately. You will have to plunge in fully and start swimming.

 

The separation period will give you an indication as to whether you are happy without your husbands or if you actually do miss them. Once you have experienced freedom and have decided one way or the other, you can get back to your current locations and tell your husbands that you are finally ready to divorce them, or that you have decided that you want to be with them till death do you part! You two have been beating about the bush for so long you have stripped the poor bush of all it's foliage. As I said in an earlier post "JUST DO IT". Warm wishes.

[Aloneuk]

Hi

 

I'm still around, checking in to see how you guys are getting on.

 

I've just got back from a solo holiday in Europe which did me good. Travel always rejuvinates me and gives me perspective that I sometimes miss at home when stuck in a rut or confused what to do.

 

I moved into a new place a month ago and have settled in well. Ex helped me move! As you've both mentioned in your posts, my ex is also my best friend. We are still in touch regularly and are on as good terms as we can be.

 

Some days I wonder if I did the right thing....its not easy to leave a 'satisfactory' marriage and start over. Emotionally or financially. Especially because I get on well with my ex. But I think long term I hope I'll look back and know it was the right thing for both of us....

[MidlifeMama]

Hi

 

I'm still around, checking in to see how you guys are getting on.

 

I've just got back from a solo holiday in Europe which did me good. Travel always rejuvinates me and gives me perspective that I sometimes miss at home when stuck in a rut or confused what to do.

 

I moved into a new place a month ago and have settled in well. Ex helped me move! As you've both mentioned in your posts, my ex is also my best friend. We are still in touch regularly and are on as good terms as we can be.

 

Some days I wonder if I did the right thing....its not easy to leave a 'satisfactory' marriage and start over. Emotionally or financially. Especially because I get on well with my ex. But I think long term I hope I'll look back and know it was the right thing for both of us....

 

Thank you for checking in and sharing! I hope your journey continues to be fulfilling. So glad you two still get along well !

[Just a Guy]

Hi Alone, how would you feel if your ex found someone new to settle down with? Your current relationship would have to end necessarily as I am sure his new partner would look on your friendship with her husband with disfavour. The same thing would happen in reverse order if you were to remarry. Also how do you wipe out the emotional bond which still exists? I sincerely hope for your sake that things work out smoothly as time passes. Warm wishes.

[elaine567]

I KNOW my spouse. I know what he is like. He does not disrespect me. He has no addictions. He is kind and simple and a good man. A hard worker and good provider. BUT, he lacks in communication, has a low sex drive and doesn't always seem to accept my bigger personality. I often think back and kick myself and wish I'd followed my gut. He was BEST FRIEND material in so many ways, not a romantic relationship match. I stifled that inner voice in search of comfort and safety. I suspect you did the same Lost! It's o.k., it's what we needed and probably a big part of why we stay!

 

My slight worry for you is that you went with safe, best friend material but was that because you were simply not comfortable with sexier guys with big personalities who would perhaps eclipse your own "bigger personality" or challenge you more intellectually, emotionally and sexually?

Are you now "up for the fight" after all these years of safety and cosiness, or will you again go for the safer option and maybe be back to square one pretty quickly?

[DKT3]

I think there is a lot of words here when reduced to it's lowest form what we have is three women who had affairs and would now prefer to run then face it. Would rather blame the relationship then themselves, however, they don't have bad relationships so it's the something missing.

 

Bottom line is, when someone doesn't want to be in a relationship they leave.

 

This are not bad relationships with bad partners, it's simple three bored women who believe excitement lays with other men, but deep down doesn't want to give up the relationship to get it. So they cheat. Not that complicated

[LostandLonging]

Exactly what I fear...

 

 

Yes, me too. But while we get along we have nothing in common and are very different people. For example he’s incredibly judgmental and will behave like a teenage girl when he observes someone wearing something he considers inappropriate, whereas I’m happy for people to wear what they want if it makes them happy. I guess that’s just one example but it’s little things like that. What traits are made up to constitute a “mental connection”?

 

Wow,thank you for sharing such a personal and intimate look at this from the other side, both a male point of view and having left the safe relationship!

 

Second this! Thank you!!!

 

This are not bad relationships with bad partners, it's simple three bored women who believe excitement lays with other men, but deep down doesn't want to give up the relationship to get it. So they cheat. Not that complicated

 

With respect, you don’t know jack about our feelings.

Edited October 15, 2017 by LostandLonging