Wanting to leave a good relationship

[MidlifeMama]

I'm am doing o.k. I had a very serious discussion last night with my husband. We were both walking around with this elephant in the room. I said,"We aren't happy. Not just me, US." He was dreading this conversation.

 

He hates emotional stuff, hates bringing up serious issues. He even finally admitted if we don't talk about it doesn't exist, issues will go away.

 

He said he is afraid as 2 years ago I brought up divorce.

 

I have tried all these years to tell him that just because we have serious discussions doesn't always mean it's over, but it's actually my willingness to want to work on things (Is that out of guilt at this point?) Still, sometimes I think I am beating a dead horse.

 

He is who he is, I am who I am. The problem is I can't completely admit my wants and desires. I have asked for more communication and have expressed my concerns about our lack of intimacy yet I could never tell him I am avoiding the intimacy because I don't have an attraction to him. So what's the point of wanting more sex when I don't want to actually have it with him?? hmmmm I feel awful about that.

 

That isn't going to change. That won't change in your situation either Lost.

 

We see other qualities though that keep us in these relationships.

 

Someone posted on here in a thread about his sister and husband grew apart. She left for about a year as she didn't feel that connection or attraction. Wanted to explore her life on her own terms. She did that, didn't find what she was looking for. She went back and said,"I just couldn't do that to my best friend." That has stuck with me. So, do we accept our "Room Mate" situations because we are comfortable, scared and worried to hurt them?

 

My husband in many ways is my best friend. I just wish he was also lover material. Sad, but true. So, like you, I accept what I have been given in him and long for more without any real plan to change it.

 

I am working on myself and some issues and trying to heal some guilt and past issues and staying put (For now). Space and time seems to stand still, yet is flying by. I do feel deep down I may make the break at some point, just not now, not yet.

 

Hearing so many things come out of my mouth last night with our discussion, I realized it just isn't about lack of sex or attraction, but other issues I see in our relationship. I also try to balance those issues with what could be out there that I'd have to deal with, with another person. I KNOW my spouse. I know what he is like. He does not disrespect me. He has no addictions. He is kind and simple and a good man. A hard worker and good provider. BUT, he lacks in communication, has a low sex drive and doesn't always seem to accept my bigger personality. I often think back and kick myself and wish I'd followed my gut. He was BEST FRIEND material in so many ways, not a romantic relationship match. I stifled that inner voice in search of comfort and safety. I suspect you did the same Lost! It's o.k., it's what we needed and probably a big part of why we stay!

 

I hope you find happiness and strength to follow your gut. But, in the mean time, come back for any support you may need.

 

I also wonder how "Alone" is doing. She was the brave one!

[BluesPower]

MLM...

 

Are we to assume that your guilt is because you have had an affair? Or are still in one.

 

If not then what?

 

I understand that there are many considerations to think about, but low sex/no sex is surely one of them.

 

I really cannot understand living that way.

 

If you are even remotely thinking about putting some effort in to see if you have the remotest chance of staying together, then you have to be honest.

 

I mean really honest. So many time the other partner is so afraid to tell the other one about sexual issues, and lack of attraction. I know that it saves short term pain, but it adds to the pain in the long run.

 

I really think you have to be honest. Maybe he will lose weight or take better care of himself and step up his game if he really understood how close you are to leaving.

 

Just a thought...

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lostandlonging and Midlifemama, after reading these last few exchanges between you two all I can think of is that adage, "The blind leading the blind". I cannot claim to have a world of experience but if it's one thing I have learnt in life it is that fortune favours the brave. The two of you are going on and on trying to build each other up but are not doing the one thing that will get you results. Take the first step. If divorce seems a monumental first step then ask for a separation for whatever period of time you want and go out into the world and live on your own. Face the challenges that will inevitably come your way. I do not know if you can really date others while separated because legally speaking, you are still married to your husbands, but if you can have a clause inserted into the separation agreement about being free to date, then you can do so guilt free. This process is going to mean that you are going to step on your husband's toes. Both your husbands are going to howl in pain. But if you really want to test the waters then you cannot be constantly dipping your toes and withdrawing them immediately. You will have to plunge in fully and start swimming.

 

The separation period will give you an indication as to whether you are happy without your husbands or if you actually do miss them. Once you have experienced freedom and have decided one way or the other, you can get back to your current locations and tell your husbands that you are finally ready to divorce them, or that you have decided that you want to be with them till death do you part! You two have been beating about the bush for so long you have stripped the poor bush of all it's foliage. As I said in an earlier post "JUST DO IT". Warm wishes.

[Aloneuk]

Hi

 

I'm still around, checking in to see how you guys are getting on.

 

I've just got back from a solo holiday in Europe which did me good. Travel always rejuvinates me and gives me perspective that I sometimes miss at home when stuck in a rut or confused what to do.

 

I moved into a new place a month ago and have settled in well. Ex helped me move! As you've both mentioned in your posts, my ex is also my best friend. We are still in touch regularly and are on as good terms as we can be.

 

Some days I wonder if I did the right thing....its not easy to leave a 'satisfactory' marriage and start over. Emotionally or financially. Especially because I get on well with my ex. But I think long term I hope I'll look back and know it was the right thing for both of us....

[MidlifeMama]

Hi

 

I'm still around, checking in to see how you guys are getting on.

 

I've just got back from a solo holiday in Europe which did me good. Travel always rejuvinates me and gives me perspective that I sometimes miss at home when stuck in a rut or confused what to do.

 

I moved into a new place a month ago and have settled in well. Ex helped me move! As you've both mentioned in your posts, my ex is also my best friend. We are still in touch regularly and are on as good terms as we can be.

 

Some days I wonder if I did the right thing....its not easy to leave a 'satisfactory' marriage and start over. Emotionally or financially. Especially because I get on well with my ex. But I think long term I hope I'll look back and know it was the right thing for both of us....

 

Thank you for checking in and sharing! I hope your journey continues to be fulfilling. So glad you two still get along well !

[Just a Guy]

Hi Alone, how would you feel if your ex found someone new to settle down with? Your current relationship would have to end necessarily as I am sure his new partner would look on your friendship with her husband with disfavour. The same thing would happen in reverse order if you were to remarry. Also how do you wipe out the emotional bond which still exists? I sincerely hope for your sake that things work out smoothly as time passes. Warm wishes.

[elaine567]

I KNOW my spouse. I know what he is like. He does not disrespect me. He has no addictions. He is kind and simple and a good man. A hard worker and good provider. BUT, he lacks in communication, has a low sex drive and doesn't always seem to accept my bigger personality. I often think back and kick myself and wish I'd followed my gut. He was BEST FRIEND material in so many ways, not a romantic relationship match. I stifled that inner voice in search of comfort and safety. I suspect you did the same Lost! It's o.k., it's what we needed and probably a big part of why we stay!

 

My slight worry for you is that you went with safe, best friend material but was that because you were simply not comfortable with sexier guys with big personalities who would perhaps eclipse your own "bigger personality" or challenge you more intellectually, emotionally and sexually?

Are you now "up for the fight" after all these years of safety and cosiness, or will you again go for the safer option and maybe be back to square one pretty quickly?

[DKT3]

I think there is a lot of words here when reduced to it's lowest form what we have is three women who had affairs and would now prefer to run then face it. Would rather blame the relationship then themselves, however, they don't have bad relationships so it's the something missing.

 

Bottom line is, when someone doesn't want to be in a relationship they leave.

 

This are not bad relationships with bad partners, it's simple three bored women who believe excitement lays with other men, but deep down doesn't want to give up the relationship to get it. So they cheat. Not that complicated

[LostandLonging]

Exactly what I fear...

 

 

Yes, me too. But while we get along we have nothing in common and are very different people. For example he’s incredibly judgmental and will behave like a teenage girl when he observes someone wearing something he considers inappropriate, whereas I’m happy for people to wear what they want if it makes them happy. I guess that’s just one example but it’s little things like that. What traits are made up to constitute a “mental connection”?

 

Wow,thank you for sharing such a personal and intimate look at this from the other side, both a male point of view and having left the safe relationship!

 

Second this! Thank you!!!

 

This are not bad relationships with bad partners, it's simple three bored women who believe excitement lays with other men, but deep down doesn't want to give up the relationship to get it. So they cheat. Not that complicated

 

With respect, you don’t know jack about our feelings.

Edited October 15, 2017 by LostandLonging

[MidlifeMama]

Yes, me too. But while we get along we have nothing in common and are very different people. For example he’s incredibly judgmental and will behave like a teenage girl when he observes someone wearing something he considers inappropriate, whereas I’m happy for people to wear what they want if it makes them happy. I guess that’s just one example but it’s little things like that. What traits are made up to constitute a “mental connection”?

 

 

 

Second this! Thank you!!!

 

 

 

With respect, you don’t know jack about our feelings.

 

I second this! If he really read through all of our posts, he might get it. Relationships are dimensional in a lot of ways. I caution to say complicated but they can be. We are in a weird place. People who have never been in this position (questioning our long-term relationship) and our goals, our future, they don't understand. To them it's all about cheating, wanting someone else and being bored.

They don't understand the dynamics of what brought us to our current spouse and what keeps us. They don't understand the pull to attraction or emotional connection to anyone but the person they are with. They don't get how we can say we truly love the person we are with and are torn about hurting them or leaving a relationship that is simply o.k.

I get the part about thinking, don't cheat, just simply leave. Be done. The whole thing about that is it isn't that simple for some of us.

[MidlifeMama]

My slight worry for you is that you went with safe, best friend material but was that because you were simply not comfortable with sexier guys with big personalities who would perhaps eclipse your own "bigger personality" or challenge you more intellectually, emotionally and sexually?

Are you now "up for the fight" after all these years of safety and cosiness, or will you again go for the safer option and maybe be back to square one pretty quickly?

 

Excellent points! I guess I never really thought of it that way. I thought about something that struck me the other day.. I do not have to deal with jealousy on my part or my spouses part. I was quite jealous when my husband and I first were married. I think that stemmed from past abusive relationships and mistrust AND not really feeling "Good enough" for my husband. After years of feeling this way, he said,"You need to get over this. I'm not going anywhere but won't put up with this anymore." Oddly, that day, him saying that, I stopped. I stopped acting jealous. I stopped feeling as if he would leave. I stopped worrying if he would meet someone, etc. I stopped acting like a jealous and insecure wife.

Often times I ask myself if I could handle a person like myself. Truth be told, likely not so much. I always thought we balance each-other. I guess I need to really look at that and decide IF I would want someone more like myself. In ways, I have to say yes, but in other ways, hmmm I guess not. Thanks for bringing up this point! I actually think I may become that jealous person again , with someone more like myself,that I did not like at all.

[Aloneuk]

Hi Alone, how would you feel if your ex found someone new to settle down with? Your current relationship would have to end necessarily as I am sure his new partner would look on your friendship with her husband with disfavour. The same thing would happen in reverse order if you were to remarry. Also how do you wipe out the emotional bond which still exists? I sincerely hope for your sake that things work out smoothly as time passes. Warm wishes.

 

Hi Just a Guy

 

This is something I've thought about a lot and also discussed with my IC. She summarised it quite well, that when you start a relationship it builds up over time and changes and (hopefully!) gets stronger as it develops. She said although a lot of people end their relationships and then cut contact with their ex immediately, to her there's nothing necessarily wrong with phasing it out, a bit in the opposite way of when you are building a relationship.

 

I think its helping us both, and helping us adjust and get used to not being in each other's lives in the same way as before. It wouldn't work for everyone but perhaps is ok for us as our relationship has always been more like a very good friendship. I'm not saying its easy though and sometimes I wonder if it might be simpler in the long run by cutting contact, but at this moment in time it works for us. We still co own a house, a dog and a business and its still fairly early days in our separation.

 

I agree, as time goes on and if and when either of us meet someone else, any regular contact would not be appropriate then. But at the moment we're just taking one day at a time.....

[Aloneuk]

I think there is a lot of words here when reduced to it's lowest form what we have is three women who had affairs and would now prefer to run then face it. Would rather blame the relationship then themselves, however, they don't have bad relationships so it's the something missing.

 

Bottom line is, when someone doesn't want to be in a relationship they leave.

 

This are not bad relationships with bad partners, it's simple three bored women who believe excitement lays with other men, but deep down doesn't want to give up the relationship to get it. So they cheat. Not that complicated

 

I wasn't bored, but I wasnt happy. My ex admits now he wasnt happy either. I left and we've managed to remain friends and on relatively good terms all things considering.

 

Just because a relationship isnt bad, and your partner is a good person, doesnt necessarily make you well suited as a couple or mean you should stay together. People change, situations change, relationships change.

 

I am still having weekly counselling to sort my head out and enjoying being on my own and figuring out my life.

 

Not sure how any of the above can be considered the actions of just a bored woman!

[Aloneuk]

Also, the 16 pages of comments and over 30,000 views would indicate to me that people are searching and finding this thread....

 

This situation is much more common than I initially thought. People are typically living longer and re-evaluating their lives and not necessarily staying in unsatisfactory relationships like they might have done previously.

[Cephalopod]

Reading this thread has reinforced my belief that staying unwed for the rest of my life is the best choice for me. I think a lot of middle-aged divorced men like myself are learning the new dynamic of women, and are adjusting our life expectations accordingly.

 

I can see where having more men with more flexible attitude about female empowerment and freedom is a good thing for women, but it also a bad thing for women who want their freedom but then want to settle down and marry later on in their elderly years. I think they will find that the pool of eligible or willing good men will be shallower.

 

More and more middle aged men like myself are finding our own independence and freedom, and will not be available to marry because we have opted out.

[LostandLonging]

I wasn't bored, but I wasnt happy.

 

 

This is where I’m at too. Overall I wake up every day and I’m pretty satisfied. I’m not bored or restless, just… something. Something is missing. Something inside tells me I’m not being true to myself. I dream of a life completely different to the one I have now. One on my own. But I just can’t seem to take the steps to make that happen.

 

This situation is much more common than I initially thought. People are typically living longer and re-evaluating their lives and not necessarily staying in unsatisfactory relationships like they might have done previously.

 

Absolutely. I hear more and more about people divorcing after 20, 30 years of marriage because it's just not what they want anymore. People change, and that's OK. I need to keep reminding myself of this.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lost nothing will change unless you change things.Like I said take the first step. What is holding you back? Do you need someone to give you a push before you step out? It's like someone learning how to jump using parachutes. The first time around they are frozen in place and then their instructor gives them a push and they are falling. That's when the adrenaline kicks in and they really get going. So get the adrenaline flowing. Warm wishes.

[elaine567]

More and more middle aged men like myself are finding our own independence and freedom, and will not be available to marry because we have opted out.

 

I think that is true for many women too.

Once "free", they no longer want a man "telling her what to do any longer".

 

BUT I feel that whilst no-one should stick around unhappy with a partner (that is a given), this trend towards "I need no-one, I want no-one serious in my life" may back-fire once elderly and truly alone.

Loneliness is a growing problem but being lonely IN a relationship is hell too.

 

I think finding a more compatible partner is probably more sensible in the long run.

[MidlifeMama]

I think that is true for many women too.

Once "free", they no longer want a man "telling her what to do any longer".

 

BUT I feel that whilst no-one should stick around unhappy with a partner (that is a given), this trend towards "I need no-one, I want no-one serious in my life" may back-fire once elderly and truly alone.

Loneliness is a growing problem but being lonely IN a relationship is hell too.

 

I think finding a more compatible partner is probably more sensible in the long run.[/QUOTE]

 

I agree! For me at least, I like my alone time, but I am a "people person". I love (For the most part) being around family. I love friends, meeting new people and developing deeper relationships and bonds with others. I don't see myself growing old alone.

 

Now, this is different than the feeling I have of wanting my own space. Wanting to develop my life on my own terms. The thought of the "Lonely" moments keep me stuck.

 

I do feel if I left, I would want a relationship again. Weeding through and heartbreaks scare me to think about. I'm also at a point in my life where starting over and getting to really know someone makes me feel like I won't have the patience for it.

 

I was never a good "dater". I dated, and fell in love or stayed with boyfriends because they fell and I felt guilty to leave.

 

I would HAVE to be o.k. with being alone and taking the bumps and bruises along the way to find someone. I do like marriage and with the right person, I think it's a great thing. I'm definitely not opposed to it and would hope I wouldn't become that way if I choose to divorce.

 

*Being lonely IN a relationship is hell too...YES! I had this feeling before my husband in a long-term relationship that was abusive..I remember being in my early 20's and he'd roll over in bed, drunk or high and ignore me as I cried myself to sleep. I told my young self,"If I ever get out of this, I will never allow myself to be lonely in a relationship again." I'll take better care of me!

 

Here I am, almost 25 years later (not with that guy, but my husband) and I am rolling over saying the same thing but for different reasons.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Midlife, have you and the other ladies in the same situation as you thought about how and why you are in the position that you find yourselves in? I think both you and lost and longing have been in situations similar to what you are in currently but apparently you have not sat down and given due thought to the reasons as to why this occurred. It is said that if you are once bitten then you are twice shy, meaning you have made a mistake and learned your lesson suitably. In both your cases you have made this mistake twice over. I would think that you should look inwards long and hard before you make any life changing decisions about divorce or separation because you need to pinpoint where exactly the fault in your assessment process for selecting a partner lies. If you don't you are liable to make the same mistake all over again.

 

I think I mentioned this before but I will repeat myself about test driving a separation from your spouses to get a feel of what it is like to be on your own and have your own space to do what you wish to do. During this test drive go NC with your spouses and ask them to respect your desire to be on your own with no distraction from their side. I do not know if either of you are interested in looking for a new partner or just want to be on your own. I think Midlife, you said that you were open to a new relationship. Well, in that case your separation agreement should include a clause that entitles you to date others with the same proviso applicable to your husband. I say this because technically speaking you are still married to your husband and without such an agreement in place you would be cheating on him if you dated another.

 

After a specified period of time once you have had your experience and more or less made up your mind about your future course of action, then you can contact your spouses again and discuss your decision with them. Whatever your decision, you should be prepared for the fact that your spouses may themselves have moved on, thinking that you were done with them and that they had better look after their own interests. This is a risk you will have to take because after all you would be leaving them in the lurch while you were on your test drive. If, by God's grace your spouses are still open to recommitting to you and you likewise are of the same mind set then you rejoin them in happy matrimony and carry on. If you have decided that you liked your new freedom and want to be on your own you can discuss divorce with your spouses and do it in as amicable a manner as possible. By then, hopefully , your spouses too would be reconciled to the idea that you were not going to come back and they too were making plans for the future without you in them.

 

I wanted to add that I have read in newspaper and magazine articles about studies conducted at various institutions which have found that couples who have stayed together are intrinsically more healthy and happy than those folk who are single or widowed and that the latter most often reported that they were very lonely and that led to them being more sickly and also succumbing because of it. Human beings are social creatures and thrive on being together. I think that is one reason clubs are so popular. You may not know everyone but the fact that you are surrounded by a number of people enjoying themselves in a convivial manner is therapeutic for the soul. So I would say think before you leap. Warm wishes.

[elaine567]

Marriage appears to be more beneficial for men health wise but there is little difference found between single and married women.

Marriage is more beneficial for men than women, study shows

[DKT3]

Happiness does come from the people you're having sex with, happiness comes from within. We, as a whole are lazy, and tend to take the easy route. So when we are unhappy it's lazy and easy to blame those close to us, much easier than looking within.

 

Point being, changing partners, or being on your own won't make unhappy people happy.

 

What's more compatible? Someone who laughs at your corny jokes? Someone who wants to travel more? Someone who wants to go to plays? Someone who wants to have sex once a week?

 

Compatible? Or willing to compromise? No one can be all things, compatibly doesn't mean a relationship will work, why? Most people feel compatible when they marry, but unwillingness to compromise or change and grow TOGETHER changes compatibly.

[MidlifeMama]

Thanks JAG !

I think that's a lovely post and sound advise. It is something I will consider.

My issue is financial though.. I currently work part time. I would have to go back to work FT if I was on my own. Not sure how bills are divided up during a separation? I guess we could work on that if/when we crossed that bridge.

 

I don't think I would want to date while separated, unless it became a long separation. In my opinion, long separations are not necessary. I think most who separate, eventually divorce. I know for me, If I go, it's divorce because I don't want limbo for him or myself. That's why my decision is so difficult. I have to be sure because I will not put him through hoping and guessing to see if I will come back, I just will not do that to him. If I go, it's divorce. I guess I just answered the separation thing and didn't even realize it.

 

I guess when you said it, it seemed like a good thing..to test the waters, see how I'd feel alone. I just can't do it. I really don't think so. For my husband I would want to be able to say, it's either I'm staying and working on this (Current situation) or we are divorcing so we can both move on.

 

I have given a lot of thought to possibly ending up alone and lonely, as well as my husband. I think we are both the type of people who would re-marry, but I struggle with the thought of finding someone as good as my husband.

 

I'm sad because ever since I talked about divorce 2 years ago, kept trying and then recently had a very serious discussion about things WE need to work on, he seems quite depressed. I don't blame him. We aren't having much physical contact at all. I think both of us are at a loss as how to bring the connection back, so we ignore it. Do most people stay in relationships that have lost the romance factor so as to have the security of growing old together?

 

Also, yes, my track record on choosing partners needs some work. I am also 25 years older and have learned a great deal about who I am and what I want. My first serious relationship had attraction but he was very abusive and had addictions and I thought I could change him. I had a few in-between before my husband and after the abusive one and chose wrong those times, but quickly realized I was not going to stay in those. Then I met my husband and he was and is many things that I wanted in a person. Kind, stable, non-abusive, a hard worker. He sees the glass half full. I have a calm world with him, but we do lack attraction for one another (at least I know on my part), sexual chemistry and some personality incompatibilities. I have questioned these things for years. But now, in midlife it all seems to be weighing on me. I try to ignore it. I count my blessings, I'm grateful...but I still can't get past this MIDLIFE CRISIS!

Edited October 19, 2017 by MidlifeMama

[Cobra_X]

The nagging feeling that I’m not living life honestly and for myself never goes away, but I force myself to ignore it, smile and just get on with life because some days it’s just easier that way. I hate it, but I still cannot muster up the courage to do anything about it.

 

Shakespeare wrote "A coward dies a thousand times before his death, but the valiant taste of death but once."

 

What are you afraid of?

 

If I am being brutally honest, what brought me to my guy is that I was weak and codependent when we met. I would latch on to any man who cared for me and paid me attention, and he just happened to be there. I know that sounds cruel, but when I was 21 I didn’t care. I always knew things weren’t quite right (sex has ALWAYS felt like a chore, even in the honeymoon period) but stayed out of fear and guilt.

 

Did you ever share this with him?

 

Yes, I was thinking about it just this morning in fact. About how I feel like I have blinked and gone from being a fresh faced girl with her life ahead of her to pushing 40 (not that 40 is old at all, but I mean I have spent the best years of my life in this relationship). It wasn't meant to be this way.

 

Maybe it WAS meant to be this way. Do you think those women who bounce from one douchebag to the next... had a great youth? I know these women... they wind up like a used dirty rag. This idea that you lost some potentially amazing youth is pure fantasy.

 

The point is that you have time available right now to achieve the things you want. Why are you wasting that time?

[BluesPower]

To add to what cobra said...

 

I feel like 40 and above are just some of the best times in life.

 

I think your best years are ahead of you, if you make the right moves.

 

You are starting to be old enough to see what wisdom really is, and young enough to party your A** of when you figure it out.