Wanting to leave a good relationship

[Cephalopod]

This thread reminds me why I will never remarry.

 

 

I proudly waived off my 23 year old nephew from marrying a girl who only wanted him because he had a stable job. She didn't love him. Everyone could see it but him. After a long talk with him last week he broke the wedding off with her over the weekend. He called me last night and thanked me.

 

 

He says he's never going to marry because he doesn't want to live subject to the constantly changing needs and wants of a woman. I hear that from more and more young men all the time. Good for them.

 

 

Marriage is an outmoded construct designed to enslave men and I hope it goes away in the next century. Threadjack over.

[LostandLonging]

Yes, how dare women grow and change with time and age. Good luck to your nephew.

[LostandLonging]

I take exception when such honesty includes terms like “Marriage is an outmoded construct designed to enslave men”. Perhaps I have been on the Internet too long but it just comes across as bitter “poor men” MRA nonsense to me.

 

My partner often seems discouraging of my growth, telling me I’ve “changed” despite the fact that I love the person I’ve become. I see too many women experience similar things. They expect us to remain the subservient, worshipping little things we were when we met them. That’s how this comment came across to me.

 

Or maybe I’m just having a terrible day. *shrug*

 

 

Yes, I know: I'm not one to talk.

[DKT3]

I take exception when such honesty includes terms like “Marriage is an outmoded construct designed to enslave men”. Perhaps I have been on the Internet too long but it just comes across as bitter “poor men” MRA nonsense to me.

 

My partner often seems discouraging of my growth, telling me I’ve “changed” despite the fact that I love the person I’ve become. I see too many women experience similar things. They expect us to remain the subservient, worshipping little things we were when we met them. That’s how this comment came across to me.

 

Or maybe I’m just having a terrible day. *shrug*

 

 

Yes, I know: I'm not one to talk.

 

Listen, you married a man who you yourself said "I have never been attracted to him"

 

You stay because the reasons you married are still there. In my opinion, you're using your husband and always have, solely based on your comments here.

 

I think your reaction to the idea that some women in fact do this solidified my opinion of this.

 

Safe, easy, comfortable I hear alot in your posts, don't hear love, desire give in any.

[Rachelmarie]

as much as it hurts honesty is the absolute only way. Put yourself in his position. would you want to be in a relationship that wasn't 100% on both sides? if the answer is no then ripping the band-aid off is the only way to go. we gotta go through pain thats life and there is no way around it. the best way is to make it as quick as possible.

[MidlifeMama]

Lost,

 

How are you doing? I am going about life and for the most part happy. We took a trip down South and this was going to be my ,"Figure it out trip" so that I could decide on staying in my "Very Little Sex" marriage or ending it. I chose this as we had already planned the trip and I knew the year was ending and I needed to make some decisions.

 

He never touched me once on our vacation. In fairness, many nights I was tired and went to bed before him, as I do at home as well, but he never follows me.

I enjoyed the warmth of the sun and visiting family and friends and tried not to think about the lack of intimacy we weren't having. I enjoyed his company as I always do, that's never an issue, but I also longed for a physical and romantic connection.

 

He (my husband) isn't one for getting physical at other people's houses (we stayed with family and friends). We had privacy but he never feels right about it. But he also never says anything about it.

 

I feel so torn still because my family is basically all he has left (his family has died or lives far). We talked a lot about retirement in the future and where we'd live down South. I felt calm, comfortable, but inside I was denying the fact that I will have to give up sex and that romantic connection if I stay with my husband. I know this for sure now.

 

I had it in my head this Summer that after this trip in Dec I would decide...leave and file for divorce in January or stay. We have talked a lot. I felt like I would be losing out on a lot by leaving him and my adult kids, yet while in the South, I felt alive, where I want to be, and we had zero physical contact which made me so lonesome WITH him. It was like going on a trip with a best friend.

 

So here I am, back on LS and venting because I can't leave, yet long for a connection that isn't there. I have so many other things that I may just need to give up the romantic idea..but I am only 50 . So.... how are you Lost??

[wishyouneverleft]

It's wise to be true to yourself.

 

Why don't you sell the house and move? Then date your partner when you see fit...or not.

 

See a counselor to become stronger as you go along and make progress - that way you have support and guidance.

 

Try not to isolate - that can be depressing.

 

 

If you take any other advice aside from someone telling you to see a pro, you can't put the blame on them for free advice (you get what you pay for). To me this place is a support system, not for guidance. Decisions to severe something as vital as a deep emotional connection with someone should only be done if that's truly your final decision. A counselor/therapist will dig deep to see what really is the root of your feelings and if that's truly the remedy. Whatever decision you make, we're here for support ;);)

[LostandLonging]

Lost,

 

How are you doing? I am going about life and for the most part happy. We took a trip down South and this was going to be my ,"Figure it out trip" so that I could decide on staying in my "Very Little Sex" marriage or ending it. I chose this as we had already planned the trip and I knew the year was ending and I needed to make some decisions.

 

He never touched me once on our vacation. In fairness, many nights I was tired and went to bed before him, as I do at home as well, but he never follows me.

I enjoyed the warmth of the sun and visiting family and friends and tried not to think about the lack of intimacy we weren't having. I enjoyed his company as I always do, that's never an issue, but I also longed for a physical and romantic connection.

 

He (my husband) isn't one for getting physical at other people's houses (we stayed with family and friends). We had privacy but he never feels right about it. But he also never says anything about it.

 

I feel so torn still because my family is basically all he has left (his family has died or lives far). We talked a lot about retirement in the future and where we'd live down South. I felt calm, comfortable, but inside I was denying the fact that I will have to give up sex and that romantic connection if I stay with my husband. I know this for sure now.

 

I had it in my head this Summer that after this trip in Dec I would decide...leave and file for divorce in January or stay. We have talked a lot. I felt like I would be losing out on a lot by leaving him and my adult kids, yet while in the South, I felt alive, where I want to be, and we had zero physical contact which made me so lonesome WITH him. It was like going on a trip with a best friend.

 

So here I am, back on LS and venting because I can't leave, yet long for a connection that isn't there. I have so many other things that I may just need to give up the romantic idea..but I am only 50 . So.... how are you Lost??

 

 

I’m so sorry to hear you’re still in a tough place, MLM. <3 I know exactly what you mean about going on a trip with a best friend. As much as I look forward to travelling part of me always dreads it because I know he is going to want to be intimate.

 

I am still in the same position, but working on myself. Reading a few self help books (which I NEVER thought I’d do) about doing what is best for you as you only have the one life. I want the words to just jump out at me so much that I can't NOT act, but nothing yet.

 

Every morning I wake up and practice what I think I should say to him, and every evening I get home and chicken out.

 

I’m sorry my reply is weeks late. I am trying to give outside influences a rest and concentrate a little more on my feelings. Thinking of you. xx

[BluesPower]

Lost,

 

How are you doing? I am going about life and for the most part happy. We took a trip down South and this was going to be my ,"Figure it out trip" so that I could decide on staying in my "Very Little Sex" marriage or ending it. I chose this as we had already planned the trip and I knew the year was ending and I needed to make some decisions.

 

He never touched me once on our vacation. In fairness, many nights I was tired and went to bed before him, as I do at home as well, but he never follows me.

 

I enjoyed the warmth of the sun and visiting family and friends and tried not to think about the lack of intimacy we weren't having. I enjoyed his company as I always do, that's never an issue, but I also longed for a physical and romantic connection.

 

He (my husband) isn't one for getting physical at other people's houses (we stayed with family and friends). We had privacy but he never feels right about it. But he also never says anything about it.

 

I feel so torn still because my family is basically all he has left (his family has died or lives far). We talked a lot about retirement in the future and where we'd live down South. I felt calm, comfortable, but inside I was denying the fact that I will have to give up sex and that romantic connection if I stay with my husband. I know this for sure now.

 

I had it in my head this Summer that after this trip in Dec I would decide...leave and file for divorce in January or stay. We have talked a lot. I felt like I would be losing out on a lot by leaving him and my adult kids, yet while in the South, I felt alive, where I want to be, and we had zero physical contact which made me so lonesome WITH him. It was like going on a trip with a best friend.

 

So here I am, back on LS and venting because I can't leave, yet long for a connection that isn't there. I have so many other things that I may just need to give up the romantic idea..but I am only 50 . So.... how are you Lost??

 

This makes me sad... in general.

 

For both of you, I would really like for you to think about this.

 

My New GF, had a series of bad marriages, that included very little sex and bad sex at that.

 

She is a beautiful, if inexperienced, woman. Yet she made so many bad choices with previous relationships. One of them was putting up with bad sex.

 

Since we have been together, all she can talk about is how romantic and wonderful our relationship and sex life is.

 

I am not some super stud in any way, but I have been around and sex is very important to me. I take pride and pleasure from pleasing the woman that I am with. She is no exception.

 

But our relationship is about way more than just sex, every aspect is wonderful. I am a touchy feely guy and she is that way as well. We are touching each other all of the time. It is wonderful.

 

But for you guys, I assure you that a relationship where you are totally romantically in love and where you are very sexually compatible it just one of the most wonderful things in the world.

 

It is probably even better than either of you realize it could be.

 

I urge you to not waste your life with someone that does not feel the same way, because it really is a waste...

[MidlifeMama]

This makes me sad... in general.

 

For both of you, I would really like for you to think about this.

 

My New GF, had a series of bad marriages, that included very little sex and bad sex at that.

 

She is a beautiful, if inexperienced, woman. Yet she made so many bad choices with previous relationships. One of them was putting up with bad sex.

 

Since we have been together, all she can talk about is how romantic and wonderful our relationship and sex life is.

 

I am not some super stud in any way, but I have been around and sex is very important to me. I take pride and pleasure from pleasing the woman that I am with. She is no exception.

 

But our relationship is about way more than just sex, every aspect is wonderful. I am a touchy feely guy and she is that way as well. We are touching each other all of the time. It is wonderful.

 

But for you guys, I assure you that a relationship where you are totally romantically in love and where you are very sexually compatible it just one of the most wonderful things in the world.

 

It is probably even better than either of you realize it could be.

 

I urge you to not waste your life with someone that does not feel the same way, because it really is a waste...

 

Thank You Blues for your always wise words!

[MidlifeMama]

Hi Lost,

 

I replied but it isn't there. Anyway.. I hear you loud and clear! I hope your soul searching brings you clarity and peace!!

[Just a Guy]

Hi midlife, I have only one bit of advice apart from Blues excellent advice, and that is Take a leap of faith! Just tighten your belt and jump in head first. Then only will you free yourself. As long as you stick to your comfort zone you will keep wallowing in what ifs. Warm wishes.

[LostandLonging]

Hi Lost,

 

I replied but it isn't there. Anyway.. I hear you loud and clear! I hope your soul searching brings you clarity and peace!!

 

You too MLM! And I’d love to continue to keep in contact if that’s ok?

[MidlifeMama]

Absolutely!! Not sure if we are allowed to share private emails? But do come back here and let me know how you are doing.

[Cephalopod]

My New GF, had a series of bad marriages, that included very little sex and bad sex at that.

 

She is a beautiful, if inexperienced, woman. Yet she made so many bad choices with previous relationships. One of them was putting up with bad sex.

 

Since we have been together, all she can talk about is how romantic and wonderful our relationship and sex life is.

 

I am not some super stud in any way, but I have been around and sex is very important to me. I take pride and pleasure from pleasing the woman that I am with. She is no exception.

 

But our relationship is about way more than just sex, every aspect is wonderful. I am a touchy feely guy and she is that way as well. We are touching each other all of the time. It is wonderful.

 

 

 

 

That's awesome man.

 

 

Just don't marry her.

Edited January 22, 2018 by Cephalopod

[MidlifeMama]

Hi Lost,

 

How are you doing?? Things are the same here for me, but in ways different too. We have had so many talks and have been trying to find that "Feeling." We started to "schedule" sex... I don't look forward to it, but I want to try everything I can before throwing in the towel.

Now he has developed ED. Not surprising to me, I think all the talks have put his mind into me having one foot out the door. It's sad and hurtful and scary for both of us. I have spent half my life with this man. He is good and kind but the attraction isn't there, even if the deep love and friendship is.

We both have gone back to the gym. We have taken measures to work through stuff but I am not sure this can be worked through any longer.

I have been beating myself up so long that I think it's coming...the time to finally make the decision to go.

Since my thoughts wonder to moving South, I can't do that and leave my children (though grown). I have a daughter planning a wedding..God

Is there EVER a better time to make such a life changing decision?

Now, I feel like I can't desert him while having this very intimate difficulty with ED. Maybe if I do, he can find the one for him?

I have details to work out, but I do think a separation is in order to work my way through this to see and take baby steps to adjust for everyone involved.

Lost,

Do you think a separation would help you decide? I considered this today that I heard... If you stay, you know what your in for. If you leave, it's unknown but the possibilities are endless.

[LostandLonging]

Been feeling like absolute garbage lately. I was going through my drawers the other day and came across our mortgage papers, due for renewal in a few months and I felt sick. I still don’t know what I want or what I’m going to do. I haven’t been able to stop crying. I look at him and try and pluck up the courage to talk about my feelings but I just can’t do it. How do you say to someone “I don’t want you out of my life but I don’t know if I want to be in this anymore” after such a long time? Lately the thought of no longer having him in my life has upset me, but I can’t continue to pretend my feelings are anything more than platonic, waking up every day and having to convince myself I’m happy because I should be. But then I think about him being with someone else and my heart breaks too. I am just so messed up. How is everyone else?

[MidlifeMama]

Been feeling like absolute garbage lately. I was going through my drawers the other day and came across our mortgage papers, due for renewal in a few months and I felt sick. I still don’t know what I want or what I’m going to do. I haven’t been able to stop crying. I look at him and try and pluck up the courage to talk about my feelings but I just can’t do it. How do you say to someone “I don’t want you out of my life but I don’t know if I want to be in this anymore” after such a long time? Lately the thought of no longer having him in my life has upset me, but I can’t continue to pretend my feelings are anything more than platonic, waking up every day and having to convince myself I’m happy because I should be. But then I think about him being with someone else and my heart breaks too. I am just so messed up. How is everyone else?

 

God, I feel exactly the same way!!

Yesterday I came downstairs and while we were having coffee, I burst into tears. They flowed for at least 2 hours and we talked and talked. It's all out there (at least 90% of it) . There are things I will not tell him (attraction, etc). This man sat there and listened and shed a tear (He never cries). He said if I need to go he wont stop me, but that he has everything he needs right here (Me, the grown kids, etc). I was broken. What to do now? I feel exactly how you feel Lost!! I told him, I don't want to wake up depressed today and not sleep again tonight. He can't fix this for me, anymore than your husband can fix you Lost. I said also, If we were apart I would still want you in my life, even do things together but that would prevent you from moving on. He said,"You're right." I can't bare that at this time, so we will continue to find the love. I don't know how this will end but I saw what pain I could cause and feel and now I need to pause..it will come to me and you too Lost. We should be all in or all out but not that easy. Therapy starting this week for me.

Hang on, be kind to yourself. Hug your husband (I know) but it will help in a small way. You do love him and do need some good hugs and it's o.k. to reach out to him.

[LostandLonging]

He doesn’t even know how I feel. At least you had the courage to speak up.

 

 

I'm sorry if I'm short, I'm just feeling very depressed. Thanks for your kind words as always. xx

[MidlifeMama]

He doesn’t even know how I feel. At least you had the courage to speak up.

 

 

I'm sorry if I'm short, I'm just feeling very depressed. Thanks for your kind words as always. xx

 

No worries. I know what you're feeling. Courage or necessity for me? It hurts. The conversations are hard but I am the type of person whom things fester way too much and affect me. Much like they are you now Lost.

I kinda of looked at it this way..if you at least get your feelings out, he has a chance to see what you are going through and can support you and discuss it. You might be surprised that he knows(they know us) and has been avoiding the talk. It doesn't mean life-changing things have to happen right now today but the door is open to discuss and weight can be lifted.

You love him. You are afraid to hurt him, but you are suffering. Try baby talks about how you feel and leave him out of the equation... I am in a rush this morning but want to chat about this more. In the mean-time know you are not alone and thought about.

[MidlifeMama]

He doesn’t even know how I feel. At least you had the courage to speak up.

 

 

I'm sorry if I'm short, I'm just feeling very depressed. Thanks for your kind words as always. xx

 

No worries. I know what you're feeling. Courage or necessity for me? It hurts. The conversations are hard but I am the type of person whom things fester way too much and affect me. Much like they are you now Lost.

 

I kinda of looked at it this way..if you at least get your feelings out, he has a chance to see what you are going through and can support you and discuss it. You might be surprised that he knows(they know us) and has been avoiding the talk. It doesn't mean life-changing things have to happen right now today but the door is open to discuss and weight can be lifted.

 

You might star with,"I have been feeling very LOST and I am hesitant about renewing our mortgage."

 

You love him. You are afraid to hurt him, but you are suffering. Try baby talks about how you feel and leave him out of the equation... I am in a rush this morning but want to chat about this more. In the mean-time know you are not alone and thought about.

[Cephalopod]

Been feeling like absolute garbage lately. I was going through my drawers the other day and came across our mortgage papers, due for renewal in a few months and I felt sick. I still don’t know what I want or what I’m going to do. I haven’t been able to stop crying. I look at him and try and pluck up the courage to talk about my feelings but I just can’t do it. How do you say to someone “I don’t want you out of my life but I don’t know if I want to be in this anymore” after such a long time? Lately the thought of no longer having him in my life has upset me, but I can’t continue to pretend my feelings are anything more than platonic, waking up every day and having to convince myself I’m happy because I should be. But then I think about him being with someone else and my heart breaks too. I am just so messed up. How is everyone else?

 

 

I'm sorry, but you cannot have both. If you divorce him he will have to let you go and move on with his life. Once he has a new woman in his life there will be no room for you. There will be no friendship.

 

 

He isn't a dogbone. You cannot bury him in the dirt and hope no other dog comes along and digs him up.

 

 

He won't belong to you anymore. That is the tradeoff. It sucks but that is life.

[LostandLonging]

He isn't a dogbone. You cannot bury him in the dirt and hope no other dog comes along and digs him up.

 

He won't belong to you anymore.

 

I've never thought any of these things.

[LostandLonging]

You might star with,"I have been feeling very LOST and I am hesitant about renewing our mortgage."

 

You love him. You are afraid to hurt him, but you are suffering. Try baby talks about how you feel and leave him out of the equation... I am in a rush this morning but want to chat about this more. In the mean-time know you are not alone and thought about.

 

I have thought about doing exactly this, but knowing what he’s like I have reservations.

 

See, he is a very all or nothing person. Rather than talk things out with me and give it time, he would say something along the lines of “Well, make your mind up because I need to know what I’m doing” and then not speak to me for the remainder of the night (or week). I’ve attempted to share my feelings in the past and his shutting me out makes me feel so guilty that I just cave in and say ok ok, I’ll give it another shot.

 

Thinking of you too!

[MidlifeMama]

I have thought about doing exactly this, but knowing what he’s like I have reservations.

 

See, he is a very all or nothing person. Rather than talk things out with me and give it time, he would say something along the lines of “Well, make your mind up because I need to know what I’m doing” and then not speak to me for the remainder of the night (or week). I’ve attempted to share my feelings in the past and his shutting me out makes me feel so guilty that I just cave in and say ok ok, I’ll give it another shot.

 

Thinking of you too!

 

I understand this scenario all too well myself. My husband is the same. Maybe it is their defense mechanism and the way they cope with pain. You could say to him that you want him to listen to the hard conversations but that instead of having to have a solution right here and now, you need time to be heard and to work through any decisions that you'll make TOGETHER.

 

He still may go into flight mode, but then you'll have to be prepared to follow through.

 

What are your greatest fears for leaving? Is the main one his hurt and pain? He will survive it. Is it the risk of not finding what you have now (The parts you love and the parts that comfort you?) You won't know unless you seek it.

 

Is it being alone? I think you may treasure that part though and likely wouldn't be forever, so take that off the reasons not to leave list.

 

I would not re-do the mortgage if in your heart you do not want that. You do have a right to say no to that. Let him do it in his name.

 

I have caved with each conversation with my husband and though in many ways it has brought us together, in other ways it has put an emotional wedge between us as there is no taking back the feelings that have been brought up.

 

My situation drastically changed recently as we were informed that our daughter is pregnant (1st grandchild). Though thrilled, I now know that this is not the time for me to be making life-changing decisions about leaving her Father..a personal decision yes, because I can't live for everyone else, but.. it gave me new purpose in life and made me look at my family unit more. My life isn't just about me. I had nearly both feet out the door and had finally come to the realization that it was indeed what I wanted, but now, I am having doubts again. I am not letting go of what I want but instead pausing. I am tired of not trusting my gut, but have made a decision to put the brakes on leaving. I know what I have and I know what I don't have in this marriage. It actually hurts less to face that. I am trying to fulfill ME in other ways until I can set myself free.

 

I will get my daughter through this and be the best parent and grandparent I can be and spouse too, but I do believe we may part our ways. Timing is everything right now in my situation. I love my husband but realize that a life long partnership is very unlikely anymore. My time will come when I move on. I have played it out too long in my head and have even grieved the marriage for some time, but with a new sense of purpose, I will carry on, and love but still feel a void. I am hoping I can fill that void someday, but that will be up to me. I am working on me and focusing less on what I don't have because right now, it's what I need to do.

 

For you Lost, you are in place in your life that you don't have to do that. The longer you wait, the less time you have. Let go of guilt and fear and spread your wings. If you are unable to completely break free, perhaps a separation to see how you feel on your own is in store? Remember that the sadness, depression and guilt are only feelings telling you something isn't right for you. I realized that my husband wasn't feeling all good things and sunshine either. How could he? My actions and feelings were not showing him I was passionate about him. He has been settling too.

Edited February 17, 2018 by MidlifeMama