Wanting to leave a good relationship

[Just a Guy]

Hi Midlife, if a separation is out of the question and it is an either or situation then how about taking a month long vacation by yourself? This way you are not separating or abandoning your husband who may be happy for you to be taking a break. However by vacation I don't mean that you go to the Riviera or some such place but rather find a quiet place where you can get time to be with yourself and mull things over. Maybe a cottage in the hills or a home stay in some quiet town where there is not a lot of activity. I think both of you need to just take a break from your daily life routine and be by yourselves to figure out what you are missing. This can come about by quiet meditation and reflecting on your core values, beliefs, relationships and your life journey so far. I would also suggest that if you are the spiritual kind (not religious) then you can pray to the Almighty to shed some light on your dilemma and show you the way forward. If you do this sincerely, I think the answer will come to you as clear as daylight. Once you have your answer then do not hesitate in implementing it come what may. If you both are serious about this then I cannot think of a better way to solve your problem. Warm wishes.

[elaine567]

I'm sad because ever since I talked about divorce 2 years ago, kept trying and then recently had a very serious discussion about things WE need to work on, he seems quite depressed. I don't blame him. We aren't having much physical contact at all. I think both of us are at a loss as how to bring the connection back, so we ignore it. Do most people stay in relationships that have lost the romance factor so as to have the security of growing old together?

I guess he did not see much wrong and now he sees that you are not happy then he is at a loss to know how to solve it.

It is difficult trying to maintain a relationship when you know the other is not fully on board.

You are no longer a known quantity, you upset the apple-cart.

You see it as working on things that are wrong, he probably sees it as criticism of him.

 

I do not know your husband, but my guess is that he would be ripe for an affair here if the right woman showed up and gave him any attention.

 

He is living with the Sword of Damocles above his head, not knowing if this is the very day you will decide to divorce or will it be tomorrow?

 

YOU need to decide all in or all out and soon, anything else is just torturing the poor guy.

[Cobra_X]

Also, yes, my track record on choosing partners needs some work. I am also 25 years older and have learned a great deal about who I am and what I want. My first serious relationship had attraction but he was very abusive and had addictions and I thought I could change him. I had a few in-between before my husband and after the abusive one and chose wrong those times, but quickly realized I was not going to stay in those. Then I met my husband and he was and is many things that I wanted in a person. Kind, stable, non-abusive, a hard worker. He sees the glass half full. I have a calm world with him, but we do lack attraction for one another (at least I know on my part), sexual chemistry and some personality incompatibilities. I have questioned these things for years. But now, in midlife it all seems to be weighing on me. I try to ignore it. I count my blessings, I'm grateful...but I still can't get past this MIDLIFE CRISIS!

 

Boring is not attractive.

 

That said... you can switch husbands, but you cannot switch yourself. I found that by a ruthless focus on self improvement, becoming the man I always wanted to be, I no longer seek fulfillment in others. My addiction to drama is gone and I'm happy no matter who I'm with.

 

Are you the woman you want to be?

[LostandLonging]

Shakespeare wrote "A coward dies a thousand times before his death, but the valiant taste of death but once."

 

What are you afraid of?

 

I’m unsure what this means. Are you telling me I’m cowardly?

 

I’m afraid of the horrible break up conversation. I’m afraid of people walking through our home, sizing it up to decide whether they want to take it away from us. I’m afraid of the guilt I know I’ll find it hard to get past. Whatever people in this thread might think of me, the thought of hurting him is what kills me the most. I would rather suffer in silence. It’s how I’ve always been.

 

Did you ever share this with him?

 

That I latched on to him because I was dependent and pathetic, that I’ve never been physically attracted to him and that having sex feels like I’m screwing my brother because my feelings don’t go beyond platonic? No, I’ve never thought to mention it.

[BluesPower]

No not really... Not you being a coward, necessarily, but living if fear.

 

It is understandable that you really don't want to hurt you husband. Here is the problem, you already have. He either knows or feels that you really don't love him.

 

At some point, it will hit him in the face. Trust me, that is what hurts more than anything.

 

When you realize someone that you love, never loved you... That is what hurts.

 

Problem is, the longer it goes on, when the realization comes, the worse it hurts.

 

And for you, a little of you dies every day because you are living in misery for a ton of reasons.

 

Carpe diem...

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lost, Blues is absolutely correct and he should know. He stuck by his wife through thick and thin loving her everyday and yet she did not love him back from day one. To add insult to injury she had two affairs and was a drug addict for twenty years and hid it from him. The whole burden of bringing up their children fell on his shoulders. So you can imagine what a blow he suffered when he came to the realization that the woman he loved and cherished for twenty six years did not love him back and never had. You wouldn't want to do that to your husband? In fact your last sentence in your post above shocked me to the core! If that is how you actually feel then for God's sake stir yourself, forget what the world will think of you and just divorce your poor husband. I had a lot of empathy for you in the beginning but now my empathy has transferred to your husband. He is the one with the raw end of the deal, if your sentiments are exactly as you have expressed them. Truth be told that statement is almost malevolent.

[LostandLonging]

Does adding someone to your ignore list block them as well? This free from judgment “safe space” I held so dear is becoming less so every day.

Edited October 22, 2017 by LostandLonging

[MidlifeMama]

Does adding someone to your ignore list block them as well? This free from judgment “safe space” I held so dear is becoming less so every day.

 

Sorry. That's not right! I feel that as well. Understand you will never be judged by me and I totally get what you are feeling!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lost, I am very sorry that I have offended you and hurt your feelings. Please accept my sincere apologies with the assurance that it will not happen again. It was an uncalled for remark and I could have couched it in language which was acceptable to you. I think there was a hair trigger moment for me when I read the part of your reply to Cobra where you equated your husband with your brother while being intimate with him. I think somewhere in the recesses of my mind I found that disturbing because of it's association with incest. As I said my reaction was over the top and for that I am really sorry. Best wishes.

[LostandLonging]

Sorry. That's not right! I feel that as well. Understand you will never be judged by me and I totally get what you are feeling!

 

Thank you, Mama. I appreciate that more than you know. Same to you, I’ll never judge you. Maybe people who haven’t been through/aren’t going through this will never quite understand. xx

[MidlifeMama]

How are you doing Lost?

 

I am struggling horribly with what to do. The holidays are always hard for me anyway. I do feel after December I will need to make a decision. I wish it could be so simple, clean-cut, but it isn't. I feel so bad, so sad about not having feelings for my husband. He is a decent, kind man. He deserves more and I checked out a long time ago. The thing is, he seems to be o.k. with status quo.

 

I am going through the motions. I want more, he deserves more. That whole yadda yadda thing.

 

Everyday I search my heart and soul. That feeling just isn't there. I am living with a wonderful friend, not a lover. I am frozen to make the move to divorce. One of my biggest fears is that I also would want to move away, back South. I feel like I will regret abandoning my family. Kids are grown, but still in this area.

 

I can give plenty advise, but feel so deeply saddened and guilty to make a decision about my own life.

 

I think you might feel this also but this limbo is so awful. I can leave and HOPE for a better change and healing or wake up in another 20 years and regret that I didn't leave.

 

The unknown is scary. The hurting is scary.

 

Lost, you don't have children. I know it is still hard to hurt your husband though.

 

I am at the point that undressing in front of my husband is uncomfortable. It just feels weird. We are also now dealing with ED, which I am sure a big part is my husband also knowing that our connection is thin to say the least.

 

I thought about you and I and why we attached to these men and that safety factor was there. Keeps us there. So many awful guys out there. I think I will have to wrap my head around being o.k. with being alone at least for a time if I go.

 

Just wanted to check in on you and see if you are o.k.

[LostandLonging]

Hey MLM, thanks for checking in. How are you?

 

I’m about the same. Like you I am also struggling and simultaneously comfortable which is so goddamn hard.

 

I know what you meanabout searching your heart and soul every day. No matter what he does for me it just. isn’t. there. That FEELING that should be there.

 

Recently I’ve come to realise how differently we see our relationship. For him, it appears to be the most important thing. For me, it’s not. The other day we had a disagreement. Nothing huge but I had to force the words “our relationship means the world to me, too” after he’d said it to me. I knew it was an out and out lie.

 

Yes the limbo is horrible, as is the unknown.

 

Definitely the safety factor is a huge thing. Often I might come across some horrible man and consider myself lucky to be where I am with my fella, but I am not happy. I don’t want to stay with someone JUST because everyone else is horrible.

 

Take care, MLM. I hope you have a peaceful weekend and hope to talk again soon. xx

[DKT3]

Hey MLM, thanks for checking in. How are you?

 

I’m about the same. Like you I am also struggling and simultaneously comfortable which is so goddamn hard.

 

I know what you meanabout searching your heart and soul every day. No matter what he does for me it just. isn’t. there. That FEELING that should be there.

 

Recently I’ve come to realise how differently we see our relationship. For him, it appears to be the most important thing. For me, it’s not. The other day we had a disagreement. Nothing huge but I had to force the words “our relationship means the world to me, too” after he’d said it to me. I knew it was an out and out lie.

 

Yes the limbo is horrible, as is the unknown.

 

Definitely the safety factor is a huge thing. Often I might come across some horrible man and consider myself lucky to be where I am with my fella, but I am not happy. I don’t want to stay with someone JUST because everyone else is horrible.

 

Take care, MLM. I hope you have a peaceful weekend and hope to talk again soon. xx

 

Bolded part is pretty significant in why the husbands feel the relationships are ok. You two are flat out lying, so how would they know??

[LostandLonging]

Do you have anythhng helpful to offer, DKT3?

[LostandLonging]

Just checking in. Hopefully everyone is doing OK. xx

[JuneL]

This free from judgment “safe space” I held so dear is becoming less so every day.

 

Just an observation: Perhaps this sums up your issues nicely; have you considered getting out of your comfort zone just a bit?

 

My apologies for being blunt.

[MidlifeMama]

Just checking in. Hopefully everyone is doing OK. xx

 

 

HI Lost,

 

I have had some pretty honest and serious talks with my husband. I will never come out and say that I do not feel attracted to him, but have expressed my concerns about our attraction for one another and lack of sex and sexual desire in the marriage. Also, communication and other issues.

 

He was his usual denial self, but open to the discussion. I told him as much as I love and care about him, I do feel like "Room mates." He was quite shocked by that statement and I don't see how he could be. After-all, we are both living in the same house but I guess we interpret or experience our relationship in a different way.

 

I have tried hard to remember why I fell in love with him and it never was about the physical, but the man he was/is. He is still that man whom I respect and admire on many levels.

 

He will never have the same desire or need for sex that I do. When I met him, I was in a different place in my life. The things that drew me to him I still need. Safety, comfort, normalcy. I still want the family unit, even with my kids older, but that may mean I choose to stay in a marriage with minimal sexual desire and attraction but a lot of other good things.

 

For now, I am in that mode of staying again. Starting over at 50 seems daunting. We are spending more time together. Working out again (that may spark something, who knows). I do feel sad that I keep denying my desire of who I am. Right now though, I can't see leaving. A month ago I was set. I was going to file, take my chances and move South, start over and go for it. Now, for some reason, maybe guilt, maybe the state of the world, I feel compelled to stay and try. But I also do love my spouse on many levels.

 

I do know if I walk away, I want to have given myself and my husband the opportunity to know work on it and be absolutely sure that it's over. 25 years is half my life, I have to give us both time and attention to see if staying or going is the right thing.

 

A friend of mine who is on her 3rd marriage told me that I may never find that perfect man. She had no attraction for her first husband. She divorced sowed her wild oats and met a lot of horrible guys, but had a ton of fun. Her 2nd marriage ended after he showed his true colors, even though the attraction was amazing. She is on marriage #3 and wasn't planning to start over with kids (his) but fell in love. She says they have an amazing connection both physical and mental but that her drive (sexually) isn't anything like it used to be, mostly just because she has gotten older and it just isn't as important, but she doesn't deny that was an important factor for her in a relationship. I guess the point is, any of us may find as we age that it (sex/attraction physically) isn't as important as we age. Maybe that's just a statement I wish I could honor.

 

Thinking of you Lost and your dilemma too!

[LostandLonging]

Just an observation: Perhaps this sums up your issues nicely; have you considered getting out of your comfort zone just a bit?

 

My apologies for being blunt.

 

I’m not sure what you mean. By doing what, for example?

[LostandLonging]

Honestly, when someone says they are miserable I don't understand why they don't DO things to change.

 

I am NOT miserable. That’s the problem. I’m rather content and happy. I just know I am not living an honest life.

 

We come here to “journal” because we are all people experiencing being with good partners but no longer wanting to be, and we’re not sure how to handle that. There is nothing wrong in the relationships,we just don’t want to be in them anymore. That’s my predicament anyway. It's not that easy.

[BluesPower]

Lost and MLM...

 

I have followed both of you and what you are going through, and I am very sympathetic to you both. But I want to speak to you both about where you are at with your "OK" marriages.

 

And their is no condemnation to either of you, however I would like to speak plainly to you both.

 

People, and a lot of women it seems, choose paths in life for different reasons and that is understandable.

 

So, for a lot of women, they generally go one of two ways. Some will go for the bad boys, the alpha male who is good in bed and desired by many woman. But most of the time they start to understand that a lot, most, of those guys are not the ones they should have married. Many tend to be asshats, cheaters, man children and on and on.

 

The other group, goes for the safe beta guy. He is a good guy, stable, some what loving and caring, some are ok in bed but most are not, as they have no confidence or experience. But they are good earners, they can usually be good fathers, they are stable, but the sexual component is lacking and these women think they can deal with that as they have so many other tangible benefits from the relationship.

 

You two ladies are in the second group, and have enjoyed the fruits of a stable beta husband, but their comes a point that you start to want that hot sex and passion that you know is out there, and you may have even experienced it before you met your husbands.

 

But what I would like for you two to realize how inherently unfair the current situation is to your husbands. They, for the most part, are just what you wanted when you choose to marry them. Typical betas that are just happy to have a wife and family, and the occasional pity sex from the wife. Through no fault of their own, they are sucking hind teat and don't even know it.

 

Both of you say that you love your husband but are not attracted to them, and that you don't want to hurt them. You actually love them like your favorite dog or cat, which is not really the kind of love that anyone wants is a romantic relationship.

 

Which in fact, if you guys really were honest with yourselves, you would understand that this is actually a lie you are living.

 

If I am not mistaken, you have both had affairs which is a whole other can of worms, and I could be wrong about that.

 

But the point here is that, yeah, you would rather not hurt your good, decent, beta husbands, but the reality is that you are both scared to rip the band aid off and start a new life because you are worried that it may not be that great. And, that is understandable.

 

And MLM, you say that you have "really" talked to your husband but you have not been completely honest with him, so that is kind of a lie, and he really does not know what he is dealing with. He may or may not know about any affairs that have happened, but he absolutely does not understand that you are not in any way sexually attracted to him. If he did know that, he may put in the effort to be more attractive to you, but he does not really understand the game so he does not get it.

 

The irony for both of you is that while you "don't want to hurt your husbands", you are doing just that. Further, you are not giving them a real chance to step up. Now, they may in fact be too clueless to understand how to step up to the plate, but the fact is that neither of you have been honest enough for either of them to really understand what is going on.

 

I don't condemn either of you for what is going on, or the way that you feel about your marriages or your husbands. It is understand able and it happens a lot.

 

I do condemn the lack of complete honesty and courage that you both are showing. To worried and scared to leave the comfort, and to miserable to be happy.

 

And look, I am a sex and passion guy, and I always have been. The women I have been get that in ample supply, so I understand how important attraction and sex are in a relationship.

 

But both of you owe it to yourselves and to your husbands to be honest and make decisions that will allow you to be happy. If that means leaving then is it so much more humane to rip the relationship band aid off quickly and move on with life, than it is wasting years of your life and your husbands life.

 

Does that make sense or am I rambling???

Edited November 18, 2017 by BluesPower

[LostandLonging]

It makes perfect sense, and thank you for taking the time to share all of that with us. It's something I've heard time and time again but am frozen to do anything about it. Trust me, I hate myself.

[MidlifeMama]

Blues

 

You are so very wise and correct!

I am frozen. It is not fair to my husband, but let me be clear. No, he does not know every detail of my thoughts or actions, but he knows plenty to know where I stand and he chooses to stay, as do I.

 

He has actually stepped it up a bit. We are both going back to the gym (he has always had a bit of a weight problem and I believe a body image problem).

He is open to exploring sexually a bit more, though he will never be as open as me.

 

I have started to explore my thoughts and feelings around what it is I really want and what I can live with and live without.

 

At this time, I can not live with leaving my family. I just can not and have come to that conclusion, even to explore romantic, sexual satisfaction elsewhere. The grass truly is not always greener.

 

I fear I will wake up in another 10 years and regret my decision to not leave and explore life on my own, but I also think in 10 years I may just as content that I stayed and explored a deeper relationship with my husband and family.

 

I read a thread that hit home with me. The gentleman explained that we all seem to be caught up in "Living the best life possible no matter what". Go, explore, do, experience as life is short. I tend to be that person personality wise but I also have a strong sense of responsibility of what I chose and who I may hurt by going and experiencing that "Fulfilling" life.

 

I know me, I know I am a hopeless romantic and sexual person. I know that won't go away. I choose to keep working through this relationship for now. I dont know if it will be forever, do any of us?

 

I don't think my husband is in a "Poor guy" situation. I think he has been given enough information to make his own choice about me and right now, we both are choosing to work on it.

 

Thanks for your input and insight. I really respect your opinion and appreciate your thoughts and advice Blues!!

[dreamer2018]

Midlife,

 

Wonderful post and I agree with your decision first to give you marriage all you got. Life is very seldom greener on the other side but what is unfortunate, we discover the truth when it's too late. You and your husband have given your marriage another opportunity and I hope and pray through both of your dedication and counseling your marriage will survive.

 

Good luck and I'm rooting for you!!!!

[Steve Mason]

I've been reading this thread for awhile and have only decided to post now. I think Midlife and Lost, although your stories seem similar, they are actually quite different. As your namesake suggest, Midlife, I think is going through a midlife crisis. That is, she is evaluating her life at about the midlife mark and wondering 'is this it?'.

 

OP, I suspect your issues run deeper. Due to your dysfunctional childhood, I don't think you've ever really had a lot of self-worth. That explains why you jumped at your husband at a young age when he showed you he loved you. The unfortunate thing that happens when people don't have much self worth, is they tend to let their actions be driven by their feelings, rather than letting their core values drive their actions.

 

Letting your feelings drive your actions generally results in what we can call short term gain for long term pain. That is we do what we feel like (or avoid what we don't want to do) in the short term, often then resulting in problems and suffering in the long run. Whereas when we live authentically by our values, we often have the opposite - short term pain for long term gain. We do the difficult things now, and it benefits us in the long term.

 

OP, I think you've been allowing your feelings to dictate your actions for practically your whole life. In the current example, you've been avoiding having a very difficult conversation with your husband because by avoiding it, you alleviate the anxiety / fear (feeling) in the short term. In the long term, as you are very eloquently relating to us, you are suffering.

 

The problem of course, is that you think your feelings actually have meaning. To be blunt, they don't. Feelings don't matter much. They are generally caused by our thoughts, which also don't mean much. If you want to live an authentic life, you absolutely have to live by your core values, and act on those values, even when you don't feel like it. And that's probably why therapy hasn't worked for you. You want to feel like doing the difficult things. That's not what therapy does. It instead should (if done properly) separate your self from your thoughts and feelings so that you do the difficult things despite not feeling like it. You live by your values.

 

So how to start? It's not easy, but I'd highly recommend writing down your core values when it comes to various areas of your life. What kind of wife / partner do you want to be? What does that look like? What kind of employee or employer do you want to be? What about your values when it comes to a healthy lifestyle? What about money and finances? What kind of daughter / sister / mother do you want to be? What kind of friend?

 

Write down those values and see what areas of your life you're living fully by them. And if you're not, start. It will be hard, but you can definitely do it. Good Luck!

[LostandLonging]

I love your post, Steve!!! Thank you!!!