Wanting to leave a good relationship

[LostandLonging]

Hi Lost

 

I'm speaking from my own experience but you need to be careful not to carry on down the path of losing yourself in an unfulfilling relationship. As time goes on you will become more and more resentful.

 

I have started drinking way too much and am on anti depressants despite my H being a great guy. I feel a disconnect between us which he doesn't.

 

I have become someone I don't recognise nor want to be. I'm scared to leave but I'm also not putting any real effort into the relationship now. This limbo of inbetween is much worse.

 

It's like I'm oppressed by the guilt of thinking things aren't right between us, because he's a great person and I should be content with what I have. I know I must sound like a victim - but I'm a victim of my own indecisiveness and weakness. Please don't make the same mistakes I am....

 

I am continually blown away by how similar our stories are, Aloneuk.

 

I've also gotten into the habit of drinking way too much as a form of escape. I don't recognise or want to be the person I am either. Every day I wake up in a dream/nightmare like state, finding it hard to believe that this is my life.

 

I am also constantly reminding myself that I should be content but I’m not, and I realised recently that if I have to TELL myself to be happy, something is not right.

 

What seemingly impossible thing would you do RIGHT NOW if you could? If you could click your fingers and just be gone, would you?

Edited May 15, 2017 by LostandLonging

[Aloneuk]

I know what you mean, whilst I'm sad that you are experiencing something similar, it is kind of reassuring that I'm not alone in feeling like this.

 

I did something terrible at the weekend. I drunkenly cheated. I didn't sleep with this other guy but more went on than is appropriate or right. It came from a place of desperation and unhappiness, and fuelled by alcohol.

 

I think I am constantly seeking a connection with someone, as I don't get it within my marriage. This weekend my confidence was increased by alcohol and my inhibitions lowered and on a night out I started chatting to a guy. We clicked, missed our trains home and stayed in a hotel together. Whilst we were somewhat physical, it wasn't about that for me. It was about reaching out to someone and them responding. About clicking with someone and living in the moment and enjoying someone's company.

 

I feel absolutely terrible for what I have done to my H. He doesn't deserve this. I have told him and moved out. I have cried constantly since the weekend, as I don't recognise the person I have become. I have always been anti cheating and now in the past 12 months this has happened and I also had what was bordering on an emotional affair with a work colleague.

 

I have told my H about both and I don't think he will speak to me again. He is so understandably angry and hurt and disappointed in me. There is something obviously wrong with me if I can treat someone like this. He has done nothing wrong- this is all on me. Even if we don't have the marriage that makes me happy- this is not his fault and me cheating is about my terrible boundaries and neediness to feel a connection.

 

I literally hate myself right now. And my husband hates me too. Things seem pretty bleak. I don't know what will happen or whether either of us will recover from this.

 

Please don't follow my path. Find the strength to leave before you do something like I have (and I really wasn't the 'sort of person' who would cheat or ever in a million years expect to find myself here). Your H will be devastated by you leaving but it won't last forever. This feeling is much, much worse I promise....

[StoneColdMess]

Read through this thread, I have the same feelings about leaving as you ladies. The whole "square peg, round hole" it could go on forever but I won't be happy allowing it to be out of complacentcy.

 

34, been married 11 yrs together 14, BUT we have 3 kids sooooooo backstory:

 

2yrs ago I decided to stop being a Stay At Home Mom because in all seriousness it killed my soul. I was so depressed for 6 years. I would reach out and ask H to pick up some of the load because I was going through a particularly rough patch and he would for about 4 days and then it was back to me taking care of everything and trying really damn hard to keep my depression in check and parenting etc. So hard. Believe me when I say I asked for years. And then I just stopped asking. H never said aloud "The home stuff is on you" but it was implied.

 

Around the same time as the job, I am a teacher got the degree and credentials and then stayed home, I wanted to make myself better, lose the "mom chub". And I totally did. Lost 25lbs and earned myself a 6pack. H gained weight. I asked him at the beginning of my journey if he wanted to join me. I had asked him for years before that to lose weight, his doctor had asked, his mother etc and he said "Let's see how well YOU do before I do anything". Okay. Went to him after the weight loss asked again he seriously said "Why do I need to lose weight when I already have a hot wife?" Uh, what? So I told him there and then that I was urging him because I was no longer attracted to him sexually at his size and that I no longer felt obligated as his wife to sleep with him. I had been feeling that way for years. Whenever I would turn him down he would say "well, where else am I supposed to get it from, you're my wife".

 

Anywho, all that backstory was to say that he came to me 10+months after I told him all of that to say he was finally going to lose weight and "jump in" as a father because he felt bad about all those years I was left to do it all even though he was there, in the house, watching me struggle.

 

At this point, I'm done. I've got so much resentments from our relationship, I've grown over the past 14 years and I don't want to be married anymore. No, he never cheated, wasn't abusive and has learned me so well. He knows all the things that make me laugh etc. He is truly a best friend but I don't want him sexually. I feel like he sat on his hands for far too long after I told him how I felt. And now I am supposed to forget all of that and focus on what he is doing NOW (his words)

 

I don't see it that way. How do you just forget? It was the majority of us.

 

Well, I felt there were similarities...maybe, maybe not. Ha. But he is a good guy. I feel like he would be better for someone else. We're both still young.

 

I told him last month that I was leaving and he told me that I owed him 2yrs to see if things get better. I don't feel like I owe him a damn thing. I gave him 14 years and I'm only getting older.

 

Anyway. Wanted to share mt story.

[LostandLonging]

I’m ashamed to admit I had my affair 3 years ago. It was mainly emotional, but we did kiss a few times and I often lied to my partner about where I was. I am too much of a coward to tell him about it so you’re a much better person than I, Aloneuk and again, you're not alone.

 

I am thinking of you and hope you’re alright. <3

 

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us, StoneColdMess. Please feel free to pop back here and share any time, update us, vent, whatever you feel like!

 

I’m sorry my response is so brief but I’m just on my way out the door.

[LostandLonging]

Also StoneColdMess I know exactly what you mean about growing. I too have bettered myself over the past few years while he has made promise after promise but it never happens. He's always "getting around to it". I feel like I've completely outgrown him and the relationship.

[LostandLonging]

How is everybody doing? x

[Aloneuk]

Hey

 

I'm doing OK thanks. Still trying to figure out what to do. How about you?

[LostandLonging]

Hey

 

I'm doing OK thanks. Still trying to figure out what to do. How about you?

 

Same here. I must say though after speaking with you, StoneColdMess and others on here I am feeling closer than I ever have before. I know I repeat it a lot but it’s incredible to know you’re not alone.

 

Is your husband still angry? x

[NotASkunk]

Without sexual attraction it's not a real relationship. It's basically a friendship and an admiration for him but I don't think that it will sustain a long-term commitment. It's important to be with somebody that you feel comfortable with sexually. Not necessarily fireworks, but somebody that you enjoy getting off with and the comfort that all of that implies.

 

A lot of people stay in relationships because the sex is so comfortable even though there is a lot of other emotional pain and turmoil. It's really important to realize that sex is a big deal and you're worth finding somebody that complements you. All the best to you.

[LostandLonging]

Without sexual attraction it's not a real relationship. It's basically a friendship and an admiration for him but I don't think that it will sustain a long-term commitment. It's important to be with somebody that you feel comfortable with sexually. Not necessarily fireworks, but somebody that you enjoy getting off with and the comfort that all of that implies.

 

A lot of people stay in relationships because the sex is so comfortable even though there is a lot of other emotional pain and turmoil. It's really important to realize that sex is a big deal and you're worth finding somebody that complements you. All the best to you.

 

Thanks for your reply, NotASkunk. You’re absolutely right.

 

While we have been together for a long time already, the majority of those years have been just “suffering through it” when he wanted sex. I even faked an illness once when we were on vacation, just so we wouldn’t have to have sex. How bad is that?

 

It’s not that I am repulsed by him or dislike him as a person, quite the opposite. But I feel like I am having sex with a friend. And not one I’m attracted to.

[StoneColdMess]

Thanks L&

 

I told H today that he needs to look at changing gis hours at work to better suite the kids' school schedule and he shut down any all talk of me leaving. I reminded him that I am only staying long enough to get enough money to leave. He's upset, and while I do feel terrible for brealing his heart, I cannot live my life attached to him to make him feel better. It's not a good life for either of us. I am sure that if he tries to move in and be happy, he will. I just don't think he will try and I can't help that.

 

This board has taught me to live for me and not for him. Life is short. You gotta be happy! Leave L&L before another handful of years pass and you find yourself wishing you left now. It's never going to be the right. Ever. Just be glad you don't have kids you're draggung2through this! Ha.

 

I already have the divorce papers printed. I am applying for low-income housing in our town. I want to do this on my own without spousal support or child support.... we'll see how it goes.

[health]

I don't get it. This thread started off about wanting to leave a good relationship, no one else being in the picture, and wanting to be single.

 

I read along and OP says she cheated 3 years back?

 

Now you're getting reassurance from another woman who is also confused/guilty about being in a good relationship - she drinks alcohol, OP drinks alcohol, you strive for more. The other girl cheated on the weekend.

 

This all sounds like some mid life crises stuff here.

 

Before you do cheat on your "good" husband leave him. Be free and explore the world. Don't do this behind a good man's back.

 

If the connection is not there, find it elsewhere but not with your partners. It really is blindsiding and not fair.

 

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but this path is kinda scary. Good luck

[Aloneuk]

I don't get it. This thread started off about wanting to leave a good relationship, no one else being in the picture, and wanting to be single.

 

I read along and OP says she cheated 3 years back?

 

Now you're getting reassurance from another woman who is also confused/guilty about being in a good relationship - she drinks alcohol, OP drinks alcohol, you strive for more. The other girl cheated on the weekend.

 

This all sounds like some mid life crises stuff here.

 

Before you do cheat on your "good" husband leave him. Be free and explore the world. Don't do this behind a good man's back.

 

If the connection is not there, find it elsewhere but not with your partners. It really is blindsiding and not fair.

 

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but this path is kinda scary. Good luck

 

I think this is what Lost and Longing (and me to a certain extent) are battling with.

 

For me there's been an awful lot of self reflection...why am I not happy? Do I have too high expectations of a relationship? Am I depressed/having a mid life crisis?

 

I know I'm at fault for the mistakes I have made, and feel terribly guilty for the things I have done. Ultimately I don't want to hurt my H and I wonder if subconsciously there's an element of self sabotage and wanting him to end the marriage so I don't have to. H is fairly passive in our marriage, he knows I have cheated but doesn't want to talk about it and he's acting like nothing has happened. I guess it's easier for him to stick his head in the sand and pretend it's not happening.

 

I think Lost, after so many years of being in an unsatisfactory relationship, has lost her confidence and strength and her ability to know herself and be sure what she wants. She doesn't want to hurt her partner but feels trapped by staying. She wants to be her and concentrate on her life instead of putting into a relationship that's she's not getting anything out of.

 

I think we both know what we need to do....but struggle to find the strength to do it...

[S2B]

Thanks for your reply, NotASkunk. You’re absolutely right.

 

While we have been together for a long time already, the majority of those years have been just “suffering through it” when he wanted sex. I even faked an illness once when we were on vacation, just so we wouldn’t have to have sex. How bad is that?

 

It’s not that I am repulsed by him or dislike him as a person, quite the opposite. But I feel like I am having sex with a friend. And not one I’m attracted to.

 

He may be happier in the long run if you divorce.

 

Why wait? Life is too short.

[elaine567]

 

I already have the divorce papers printed. I am applying for low-income housing in our town. I want to do this on my own without spousal support or child support.... we'll see how it goes.

 

That is all very noble of you but you need to think of your children too.

Low income housing is all well and good but low income housing usually comes with issues.

You will be exposing your kids to elements of society and societal problems that they are probably not used to.

I am not saying people in low income housing are all "crazy" or drug addicts or criminals or gang members, but the chances of your kids coming up against such people are multiplied if you end up in social housing.

Once your kids get into the wrong crowd, you will find it very difficult to get them back into your way of thinking.

Take the spousal support and the child support and get a nice place to live for your children's sake.

[elaine567]

H is fairly passive in our marriage, he knows I have cheated but doesn't want to talk about it and he's acting like nothing has happened. I guess it's easier for him to stick his head in the sand and pretend it's not happening.

 

Are you surprised?

This man most likely has Alexithymia.

When you suggested leaving before he told you he would miss the sex...

He is not suddenly going to turn into the caring, sharing, emotionally normal man you want.

 

The partners of these “robots” feel drawn to act out in ways that seem “crazy,” like crying, not letting the partner end discussions (which the partner calls “fights that you start”), and fantasizing about infidelity (particularly emotional affairs) or leaving the relationship entirely.

Alexithymia: "Does My Partner Feel Anything?" | HuffPost

[Aloneuk]

Are you surprised?

This man most likely has Alexithymia.

When you suggested leaving before he told you he would miss the sex...

He is not suddenly going to turn into the caring, sharing, emotionally normal man you want.

 

We've been having MC and counsellor doesn't think he is alexithymic, more that he has never used his emotions and doesn't know how to. I guess it's neither here or there the how's and the why's... it's how it is in any case.

 

The MC has been beneficial to him and he's tried to open up which is one of the reasons I'm still here. But unfortunately still not happy. Have also identified reasons within myself for my unhappiness and that it's not fair to expect my H to fulfil all my needs and make me happy.

 

I suspect in the long run my H and I will separate for good. But we're both still hanging on in there to some extent...I'm not entirely sure why! Probably because despite everything we do care for each other so that's hard to leave, even if other needs aren't being met....

[Aloneuk]

Are you surprised?

This man most likely has Alexithymia.

When you suggested leaving before he told you he would miss the sex...

He is not suddenly going to turn into the caring, sharing, emotionally normal man you want.

 

We've been having MC and counsellor doesn't think he is alexithymic, more that he has never used his emotions and doesn't know how to. I guess it's neither here or there the how's and the why's... it's how it is in any case.

 

The MC has been beneficial to him and he's tried to open up which is one of the reasons I'm still here. But unfortunately still not happy. Have also identified reasons within myself for my unhappiness and that it's not fair to expect my H to fulfil all my needs and make me happy.

 

I suspect in the long run my H and I will separate for good. But we're both still hanging on in there to some extent...I'm not entirely sure why! Probably because despite everything we do care for each other so that's hard to leave, even if other needs aren't being met....

[mightycpa]

This is another thing I’ve never quite understood. It seems to only be acceptable to end your relationship if something horrible is going on. Why is that?

What was the nature of your marriage vows? Was "I'm not feeling it" understood to be a get-out-of-jail-free card? Maybe that's why it's hard.

 

Bottom line: I was 23 without even possessing a fully developed adult brain when we met. I had had a horrible run in my 2 previous relationships and had finally met a man who was a man, not a boy. Fast forward 13 years. Yes, I have enjoyed a wonderful 13 years with him, but in those 13 years I have changed a lot and he has become more like my friend or flatmate. We don’t share the same dreams, we don’t do much together anymore and I have no desire to be intimate with him. I have felt the "nagging" mentioned earlier for a long time. I feel constantly lost because I have never had the opportunity to grow as person on my own, to make my own decisions spontaneous or otherwise, without having to first consider someone else. I remain there in body only. My heart and mind are elsewhere, longing for a life true to myself. Trying to “make it work” would be like trying to squeeze a square peg into a round hole – try as I may as much as it would be easier if it fit, it just doesn’t anymore.

 

I know what I have to do so I am not entirely sure why I came on here for advice.

There you go. Frankly, your musings sound like the thinking of a person who was in a relationship where both loved each other, then one lost their feelings of love, and is coming to grips with the inevitable next step. EDIT: And now I read about the emotional affair, it sounds more like getting kissy-kissy than an affair, but actually sounds more like you dipping your toes in the water to help you explore your thinking on all of this. I think maybe that experience gave you a taste of what you're missing and you liked it.

 

Maybe to hopefully see that I am not the only one experiencing this, maybe to be reassured that we only get the one life and I need to do what’s right for me, maybe to find ways to soften the blow, maybe because even though I no longer want to be in a relationship, he is my best friend and the thought of losing him hurts. I don’t know. If I didn't give a hoot about the guy I suppose I wouldn't care about how best to go about it, but I do, very much.

You might want to consider that while you're in your mid 30's, he's not getting any younger.

 

It strikes me that you got married, etc. etc. because that's what society told you that you should be doing, and now, you're staying married for the very same reason. If you can't make this decision, then maybe you're not suited for all those things that you say you want. Disappointing people, dismaying people, suffering the scorn of some people, all that comes with the territory, and in order to be good at it, you have to be steadfast, regardless of who thinks what or how your decision might affect others.

Edited May 22, 2017 by mightycpa

[Cephalopod]

I think you need to cut the cord and let this poor guy go...instead of trying to "fix" him.

 

You need fixing far worse than he does in some ways. He stuck by his marriage vows and didn't cheat on you. you need to dig deep and figure out what is lacking in yourself that you would give yourself permission to act this way.

 

Divorce would be the best thing in this case. You both have lots of work to do before you will be ready for future relationships.

[LostandLonging]

I hope everyone who shared their stories is doing OK. This thread got a little to judgey for me after Aloneuk and I confessed our indiscretions so I’ve been seldom visiting. Just checking in. xx

[DKT3]

Most of us knew of her cheating.

 

Getting involved with someone else tends to change how you view your partner and that relationship. Sometimes the relationship is just bad, most of the times it's how one justifies being selfish. "Well is I was happy than it wouldn't have happened" No one ever wants to view themselves as a bad person, bad boundaries a couple well timed text messages and boom my marriage that was great is now not.

 

I believe that both you and alone are rewriting the history of your relationship.

 

Either way, just let those guys go they deserve better.

[LostandLonging]

I believe that both you and alone are rewriting the history of your relationship.

 

 

What do you mean by that?

[Aloneuk]

Most of us knew of her cheating.

 

Getting involved with someone else tends to change how you view your partner and that relationship. Sometimes the relationship is just bad, most of the times it's how one justifies being selfish. "Well is I was happy than it wouldn't have happened" No one ever wants to view themselves as a bad person, bad boundaries a couple well timed text messages and boom my marriage that was great is now not.

 

I believe that both you and alone are rewriting the history of your relationship.

 

Either way, just let those guys go they deserve better.

 

I agree that this can happen, but I don't believe this is true in my case. It's a chicken and egg scenario but after months of counselling both individually and H and a great deal of self reflection, I know I haven't 're-written' history.

 

In my case, I put my own individual needs aside and focussed all on my H and whether he was happy and building his business up. Up until last summer I have been the most supportive and loving wife. I didn't look at other guys - my whole world revolved around my life with H and helping him create the life that he wanted. I have invested heavily both emotionally and financially into his business (to the extent that I will walk away broke if we separate, unless I push him to sell the house, which I won't do).

 

There are really no upsides to me leaving him from that respect, so why would I put myself through this? Because I have given and given and given and got very little back. I spent 8 years in a very superficial and functional relationship where most of our happiness came through doing external things e.g. holidays and dinners out , not from the being in each other's company. I have been on anti depressants for around 4 years and felt a sinking feeling in my gut but couldn't figure out the cause of my unhappiness. I live in a nice enough house with a good man who married me, so that must be enough right?

 

Except it isn't. I know it's enough for a lot of people but it's not for me. I want a connection with someone . I want to be with someone that I can talk to, feel like it's 'us against the world'. Someone who makes me a priority and values me. I didn't realise that was an option not that was what I needed. It's taken a year of counselling to get here. My H loves me in the only way he is able, but it is not in a loving way or with any depth of feeling. I'm not saying I want someone who is super emotional, but just a relationship where I feel loved.

 

The tone on these boards are very much like; if you cheat, you are a bad person and your partner deserves much better. It's so black and white. That used to be my view too... I never imagined in a million years I Would be the 'sort of person ' who would do such a thing. I have been wracked with guilt and cried daily. I have been having additional sessions with my counsellor. I had to take time off work. I am trying to meditate and read to get some perspective and insight. I hate myself enough without getting more hate from these boards. These boards are like a journal and know every detail and vulnerability about me and my life, I'm really laid bare with all my faults because that's why I'm here - to speak to other's who have been in similar situations and get insight and ultimately improve the person I am.

 

Lost, I'm not surprised you stay away. I hope you are doing ok.

 

We're not terrible people, we just have some tough decisions to make. Ultimately I know I will learn from the mistakes I have made and from the way you have expressed yourself on this thread I'm sure you will too.

 

All the best

[BluesPower]

I agree that this can happen, but I don't believe this is true in my case... I know I haven't 're-written' history.

 

The tone on these boards are very much like; if you cheat, you are a bad person and your partner deserves much better. It's so black and white. That used to be my view too... I never imagined in a million years I Would be the 'sort of person ' who would do such a thing. I have been wracked with guilt and cried daily. I have been having additional sessions with my counsellor. I had to take time off work. I am trying to meditate and read to get some perspective and insight. I hate myself enough without getting more hate from these boards. These boards are like a journal and know every detail and vulnerability about me and my life, I'm really laid bare with all my faults because that's why I'm here - to speak to other's who have been in similar situations and get insight and ultimately improve the person I am.

 

Lost, I'm not surprised you stay away. I hope you are doing ok.

 

We're not terrible people, we just have some tough decisions to make. Ultimately I know I will learn from the mistakes I have made and from the way you have expressed yourself on this thread I'm sure you will too.

 

All the best

 

I don't this that I have posted on this thread yet...

 

But AloneUK, I do have to tell you this, Cheating is wrong no matter what the reason is. This is not hate, or condemnation but it is just a fact. I have not gone back over your thread to remember all the issues.

 

And, this is coming from someone that has been cheated on and has also cheated. It is always wrong, otherwise you and others like us would not be racked with guilt.

 

So being in an unconnected marriage, not feeling the connection and not really feeling loved is still not a good enough reason to cheat because there is no good reason to cheat.

 

In your case, your husband will be devastated when/if he finds out. In his mind, he is working hard to provide for you and/if any children and building his future with you. I will bet that he does not even know that you feel unloved and unconnected.

 

If you want to be a better person and live an authentic life, you should file for divorce. It would have been easier to not feel guilty about it is you had not has an affair. It also would have been easier to make an equitable settlement of the assets if you had not had an affair.

 

Be that as it may, if you feel the way that you say, you should pull the trigger and start a new life. I have done it and frankly for me, it is absolutely the best move that I have ever made.

 

I understand about needing to get out, but lets try not to sound like we a justifying our affairs because the marriage is unhappy, that is so wrong on many levels...