Wanting to leave a good relationship

[Kelsy]

If you two have been so unhappy together and for a long time already...Why to continue this? You both may find a better match for you and be happy. You both deserve to be happy, don´t waste your years.

Or atleast take some time apart and answers will come to you.

Don´t you think that maybe you are so used to be with eachother that break up seems too scary?

And it seems like you have lived your H-s life and have lost yourself...

Take some time off, live alone and find some hobbies, job etc. Build your life, find your passion. Iam sure he wants to be with someone who really desires him and loves him.

[LostandLonging]

I hope you don't think I'm abandoning you, alone. I started this thread and I still come by every day. It's lost a little of it's "judgment free safe space" feel for me, though..

 

I know it's enough for a lot of people but it's not for me. I want a connection with someone . I want to be with someone that I can talk to, feel like it's 'us against the world'. Someone who makes me a priority and values me. I didn't realise that was an option not that was what I needed. It's taken a year of counselling to get here. My H loves me in the only way he is able, but it is not in a loving way or with any depth of feeling. I'm not saying I want someone who is super emotional, but just a relationship where I feel loved.

 

As similar as our situations are in so many ways, this is where it differs a lot I think. My partner does love me this way, but I don't want to be with him (or anyone) anymore. That's what's making it so hard for me to just say "it's over". He's ticked all the perfect partner boxes and I feel like he doesn't deserve it. He also doesn't deserve me to be living a lie with him and I'm trying to remind myself of that daily.

 

The tone on these boards are very much like; if you cheat, you are a bad person and your partner deserves much better. It's so black and white. That used to be my view too... I never imagined in a million years I Would be the 'sort of person ' who would do such a thing. I have been wracked with guilt and cried daily. I have been having additional sessions with my counsellor. I had to take time off work. I am trying to meditate and read to get some perspective and insight. I hate myself enough without getting more hate from these boards. These boards are like a journal and know every detail and vulnerability about me and my life, I'm really laid bare with all my faults because that's why I'm here - to speak to other's who have been in similar situations and get insight and ultimately improve the person I am.

 

Ditto.

 

I was so horribly anti cheating and never in a million years thought that would be me. When I met the other man I was at one of my lowest points and still can't believe I behaved the way I did.

 

I understand about needing to get out, but lets try not to sound like we a justifying our affairs because the marriage is unhappy, that is so wrong on many levels...

 

I don't think anyone is trying to do that. Alone and I both know what we did was wrong and unjustifiable.

 

If you two have been so unhappy together and for a long time already...Why to continue this?

 

Again, this is another tough part of it for me. I'm not miserable. I don't wake up every day thinking I hate my life. I wake up thinking I need more. I want more. It's hard to describe the difference.

 

I wish it was as easy as just leaving, but it isn't. I think about things like selling the house, and people walking through our home examining it so they can take it away from us, of not being able to spend time with his family anymore, who I have come to love deeply, of thinking about him, the man who did nothing wrong, suddenly being alone and property-less in his 50's. It's tough. I'm trying my best to convince myself this is MY life and I need to do what's best for me and him by being true to the both of us, but it's not that simple for me.

[Aloneuk]

Hi Lost

 

How are things with you, any changes in your situation?

 

I've tried to stay off these boards for a few days and give my mind a break from over thinking...

[LostandLonging]

Hey alone. I was just thinking about you.

 

No changes here... still as frightened as ever. How are you? X

[Aloneuk]

Hello

 

I'm actually doing ok thanks. I had been thinking so much about my situation that it had become all consuming and oppressing and I felt very low. But my counsellor suggested I give myself a break and not think about it for a while which although sounding very simple, has been very helpful. So I have been trying to live in the moment and not stress about making a decision , or what that decision will be. It's made me feel a bit stronger and more in control.

 

But I don't feel ready to make a decision yet!

 

How about you? I can't remember if you said whether you have tried counselling?

[LostandLonging]

I'm pleased to hear that! I try and do that every so often but then the fact that I'm getting older every day creeps up on me and I panic into thinking I need to make a decision and quick.

[Nothingtolose]

Lost & Alone,

 

People on this forum can be very judgemental, but some can give good advice too I am and have always been against cheating, but I know cheating doesn't necessarily mean someone is a horrible person. Sometimes feelings of confusion cloud the minds of the best of us.

 

I hope you're both doing okay. I myself am in a relationship that isn't making me happy yet I don't seem to be able to find the strength to leave. We both moved out last month and we're now living in separate apartments, trying to work on our issues. I thought living apart from him would make it easier to break up but it hasn't been. Obviously my situation is different from yours because I do love my guy (or think I do?) but I can't imagine having a happy future together with the amount of incompatibilities and fights we have. So it's similar in the sense that I know I'm unhappy and unfulfilled, yet I can't seem to be able to make the decision and leave.

 

I wonder what makes people FINALLY get to that point where they wake up one day and go I'M DONE and actually mean it?

[Aloneuk]

I wonder why we are all not able to just make a decision and action it? Whether that be stay and commit to the relationship or leave and start again?

 

I feel like I have almost over thought it now and can't see the wood for the trees....I'm not sure how I really feel about any of it!

 

Ironically, if I just made a decision and stuck to it, I would be making progress in a direction which has got to be better than sitting here in this limbo.

 

I can see why people have been judgmental but when you're in the situation yourself it's so hard to be objective. And I guess I'm scared of making the 'wrong' decision too....

 

Agghhh, trying times!!!!

[BluesPower]

To both of you guys...

 

Listen, you won't have anyone here say that it is OK to cheat, because it is not. We don't have many nut jobs here. I may be one of the few.

 

But to both of you, I stayed with my wife for 26 years, she was unfaithful, (twice), she was a drug addict, (Hidden), and she made my life hell.

 

Now, your M's/R 's are not even that bad, but you, I guess still, are cheating and unhappy.

 

Here is the thing...You are both scared. Scared to hurt your partner, scared to lose the comfort and financial security that you have, and on and on...

 

If you guys are unhappy, and you have been thinking about ending it this long, you need to just end it.

 

If it takes that long to make up your mind, then you really have your decision, you either keep the low/no/bad sex and the maybe cheat when you cannot stand it anymore, or you leave and start a new life. And unless you are the primary bread winner, or even if you are, your life is going to change.

 

I am almost finished with my D, and I am just so happy I don't even know how to act.

 

You just have to take the plundge...

[LostandLonging]

I'm just not sure what to do anymore. When I made this post I felt like I had reached a point where I was feeling strong and ready. Now that's changed and I'm not sure when or why. I feel weak and helpless again.

[S2B]

I'm just not sure what to do anymore. When I made this post I felt like I had reached a point where I was feeling strong and ready. Now that's changed and I'm not sure when or why. I feel weak and helpless again.

 

Have you gone to counseling? Do that.

 

The problem lies within you. You are unhappy.

 

Even though you're unhappy you have stayed... obviously you have some comforts and reason to stay...YES?

 

If your main reason is using another person so you are comfortable that's just cruel to the person you're using.

 

Would you wish to be used that way?

 

 

Are you capable of supporting yourself? Do you work?

 

What are you afraid of? Most people who aren't happy change it so they have hope that they can be happy. Explore why you aren't helping yourself by changing this.

 

 

I believe you do know what to do but fear has you frozen - for now. It's good to bust through that fear and get to the other side.

[Aloneuk]

I'm just not sure what to do anymore. When I made this post I felt like I had reached a point where I was feeling strong and ready. Now that's changed and I'm not sure when or why. I feel weak and helpless again.

 

I'm exactly the same. But I'm in counselling both IC and MC too.

I think that it's being going on for so long and that I've thought about things so much that I'm now stuck in indecision. I feel like I have totally lost my power and strength and confidence and will end up staying because I don't have the energy or fight in me to leave.

 

I think a lot of it is guilt...there must be something wrong with me for wanting to leave a good man and a 'good' relationship. Although I have realised that my relationship is not good...and that's not just H's fault, I'm as much to blame for that as he is.

 

I'm trying to concentrate on me and building my strength back up but its like I'm stuck in a rut that is draining all my energy.

 

I think I probably need to find the strength to leave but it's so hard when H won't discuss anything. He just carries on and pretends everything is normal. Our MC does think he is on the autistic spectrum which in some ways reassures me it's not all in my head.

 

Hoping you find the strength to leave because I think ultimately that is what you want to do....

[S2B]

If you want to divorce then file. You don't need his discussion to do this...to take charge of your life/your future.

 

You don't need his permission to move forward/to be happy - you just take the steps necessary to get there.

[LostandLonging]

Ithink a lot of it is guilt...there must be something wrong with me for wanting to leave a good man and a 'good' relationship

 

This is such a huge part of it for me as well, and no matter how many times I hear things like “you have to put yourself first” I just can’t do it. And the counselling thing… I have tried it in the past but it’s very hard to continue with when you don’t have any desire to work at your relationship. I know this has run its course. I know I want to leave and give both of us the chance to live true lives. I just can’t seem to find the strength to do it when the man has done nothing wrong.

 

I'm trying to concentrate on me and building my strength back up but its like I'm stuck in a rut that is draining all my energy.

 

Me too. I just feel so apathetic and lost.

 

I think I probably need to find the strength to leave but it's so hard when H won't discuss anything

 

That’s one thing I will give my guy. He is always willing to sit down and talk, listen and make changes – another thing that makes him a great partner. Unfortunately though when I find myself bringing something up with him I know in the back of my mind it doesn’t matter anyway, I feel how I feel. I hate this.

 

Hopingyou find the strength to leave because I think ultimately that is what you wantto do....

 

I hope you do too. I don’t know if leaving is your ultimate goal as well but we’re here for you. x

[Aloneuk]

Hey

 

So, as the title say, I left today.

 

I have spent the last year questioning myself, in MC and IF, constantly feeling guilty and not knowing what the hell to do. I didn't want to be the bad guy by leaving but staying seemed impossible too.

 

Yesterday I had an IC session and I felt particularly empowered. I don't know why. Something just clicked. That's not to say I didn't still feel confused or guilty. But for once I felt like leaving would be the right thing. I gave it 24 hours and still felt the same today.

 

I spoke to H tonight (he is already aware of the issues in our relationship) and I said I needed to leave and he didn't fight me on it.

 

I feel terribly sad but also relieved. I feel like a massive weight has been lifted. I miss him but I know it wasn't working and we couldn't go on like that...it was making us both ill.

 

I'm sure the coming days, weeks, months will be hard but I feel like I have moved forward now.

 

I hope you find the strength to move forward too...

[LostandLonging]

Oh my gosh Alone!!! You're so brave!

 

I hope you're doing alright. xx

[DKT3]

Hey

 

So, as the title say, I left today.

 

I have spent the last year questioning myself, in MC and IF, constantly feeling guilty and not knowing what the hell to do. I didn't want to be the bad guy by leaving but staying seemed impossible too.

 

Yesterday I had an IC session and I felt particularly empowered. I don't know why. Something just clicked. That's not to say I didn't still feel confused or guilty. But for once I felt like leaving would be the right thing. I gave it 24 hours and still felt the same today.

 

I spoke to H tonight (he is already aware of the issues in our relationship) and I said I needed to leave and he didn't fight me on it.

 

I feel terribly sad but also relieved. I feel like a massive weight has been lifted. I miss him but I know it wasn't working and we couldn't go on like that...it was making us both ill.

 

I'm sure the coming days, weeks, months will be hard but I feel like I have moved forward now.

 

I hope you find the strength to move forward too...

 

You left before then went back... hopefully for his good this time you stay gone. I'm not saying it to be rude but it's extremely unhealthy to bounce back and forth and keep playing with him emotionally.

 

Eventually he will find someone who will accept him for who he is and not wish he was more, maybe you will find more with your OM. Just stop doubling back.

[Osmium13]

I haven't been here for a while, but I have to say that from what I've read over the last few months or so you've absolutely done the right thing AloneUK. I really hope it works out for you.

 

My own situation has taken a rather unexpected turn. When it's all done (one way or another!) I will come back and explain it all. I feel a little guilty given how open you and L&L have been with your troubles, but then again I'm a man - so hiding my feelings comes naturally

[LostandLonging]

My own situation has taken a rather unexpected turn. When it's all done (one way or another!) I will come back and explain it all. I feel a little guilty given how open you and L&L have been with your troubles, but then again I'm a man - so hiding my feelings comes naturally

 

Whenever you're ready!

[Aloneuk]

You left before then went back... hopefully for his good this time you stay gone. I'm not saying it to be rude but it's extremely unhealthy to bounce back and forth and keep playing with him emotionally.

 

Eventually he will find someone who will accept him for who he is and not wish he was more, maybe you will find more with your OM. Just stop doubling back.

 

I went back as we were having discernment counselling with a MC.

 

There is no OM anymore, hasn't been for months.

 

I didn't wish H was more, but that he would be present in the marriage. Evidently that wasn't possible. He also admitted that he thought all the issues in the M were because of my EA (which happened after I first moved out because of our problems) and refused to accept that him NEVER being around because of work, and not being emotionally involved in the M, might have had an impact. I have barely seen H in the last month because he has been away so much for his work. Opportunities where we could have spent time together, he took on more work.

 

I agree it's unhealthy emotionally to bounce back and forth. But I honestly think it's done me more emotional damage than him. He has been fine and seemingly unaffected. MC thinks he is on the autistic spectrum and our MC was centred around seeing if he could open up a little and be more present in the relationship.

 

I'm not trying to justify my terrible behaviour...i know I have acted appallingly. But he blames me for everything that was wrong with the marriage, as do most of the ppl on these boards. I have been fraught with stress and worry about our M over the past year. Honestly, I don't think H has given it much though it at all. It's not a priority to him.

[Aloneuk]

I haven't been here for a while, but I have to say that from what I've read over the last few months or so you've absolutely done the right thing AloneUK. I really hope it works out for you.

 

My own situation has taken a rather unexpected turn. When it's all done (one way or another!) I will come back and explain it all. I feel a little guilty given how open you and L&L have been with your troubles, but then again I'm a man - so hiding my feelings comes naturally

 

Had been wondering how you were getting on. Share your story when you feel ready. Hope things are better for you.

[LostandLonging]

As much as I've enjoyed sharing with you, AloneUK, and enjoyed that you've felt comfortable sharing with me, I still feel alone in my case.

 

You have talked to your husband. You have tried. I have no desire to do either. I know my feelings have just gone. Maybe it's because I was so young when I met him and have simply grown, changed and want to experience the world on my own. But how in the world do I say that to him?

[elaine567]

As much as I've enjoyed sharing with you, AloneUK, and enjoyed that you've felt comfortable sharing with me, I still feel alone in my case.

 

You have talked to your husband. You have tried. I have no desire to do either. I know my feelings have just gone. Maybe it's because I was so young when I met him and have simply grown, changed and want to experience the world on my own. But how in the world do I say that to him?

 

You just have to bite the bullet and tell him, or you will be stuck there 20-30 years later and nothing will have changed.

 

By that time you will have lost all your youth and vigour. This situation will have sucked all the life out of you, and you will then be left just hoping that he dies before you do...

[Aloneuk]

As much as I've enjoyed sharing with you, AloneUK, and enjoyed that you've felt comfortable sharing with me, I still feel alone in my case.

 

You have talked to your husband. You have tried. I have no desire to do either. I know my feelings have just gone. Maybe it's because I was so young when I met him and have simply grown, changed and want to experience the world on my own. But how in the world do I say that to him?

 

You need to prioritise you, rather than your husband. At the moment you seem to be putting his happiness above yours. You're not happy but he is, so you don't leave.

 

Your needs are not being met in this relationship, and you are pretty sure that they won't ever be. I think you need to somehow find the strength to leave. I'm sure if he knew how unhappy you are, he wouldn't want you to stay just through guilt.

 

I know it's so much easier to say than do, trust me I know as I have been there! But you have to take action as the limbo you find yourself in will eventually destroy you.

 

Do you have any friends you could confide in?

[LostandLonging]

My best friend has been urging me to leave him for years. She knows he’s not a bad guy but she also knows I am not living my life honestly. She and I are very different though. She called off an overseas wedding 2 days after making the decision to, gave him the house, moved out and started her own life. It’s not that easy for me. I don’t have the money she has. I know it’s tacky to talk about money but I could lose a lot if we sell the house. It’s just another thing I can’t stand thinking about.