Totally blindsided my boyfriend cheated with ex-wife. Should I stay or go?

[Whymetx]

I'm new on here and I'm so embarrassed that I have no one to talk to. I'm 40 my boyfriend's 45. I want to paint a clear picture so hoping to get some good advice sorry if I'm writing a book!

 

I'm a successful business woman, classy, sexy body, look 10 years younger than I am, I'm considered very attractive, affectionate, and I'm super caring and sweet. My boyfriend is a blue collar type, rough around edges, beer belly, incredibly attentive, very romantic, and to me he is the sexiest man alive and omg I love this man with my entire soul.

 

Our relationship of 18 months had been amazing (other than the crazy ex harassing us) up until I found out he cheated with his crazy ex wife. I found out 10 days ago. I was blindsided by the betrayal, I never saw it coming. He has given me flowers twice a week since the day we met! We basically live together. He spends the night 6 days a week on average. We cook together 3 nights a week, sex life was great, we cuddled constantly, we are best friends, and I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world! I did think he was the one. As good as everything is with us...his ex has harassed us from the beginning. To the point that we both had to file harassment charges. They have a child together so I know she's not going away. The harassment has been very bad such as calling like 30 times in a row all hours of the night from anonymous numbers, emailing and cc everyone in his family lies about him and I, actually following me in her car, sending off the wall texts, etc... The ex has severe mental problems. She's a convicted felon and has served prison time twice. 6 months and then 2 years. She's early 50's and she's pure evil that hides behind Jesus and always throwing in bible scriptures, she's attractive for her age. She doesn't work and has a sugar daddy. A sugar daddy that she had her entire 8 year marriage that's some wacko Jesus freak that claims he supports her out of the goodness of his heart because she has alcoholism, mental problems, and is a felon so she can't support herself. She's very scorned and will stop at nothing to get her husband back. She's even told people if she could get rid of me then he will come back to her.

 

The cheating. So, my boyfriend goes over to his ex wife's house on his sons birthday to put together a bike. Even though he had promised he wouldn't go there again because the last time he went she flipped out because he told her he loved me. Then she harassed us relentlessly until we both had to file harassment charges. I could get over him going but he had sex with her. How it happened goes something like this: both were drinking, she started the whole did you ever really love me, is there a chance we can get back together? He told her no he loved me. The kid went to sleep and she wanted to have sex and he did! Then I guess sometime after the deed, he told her things had to go back to the way they were. That he made a mistake and loved me. He wanted a relationship with me. She threatened she would tell me they had sex. He told her not to that there was no point in hurting me like that. That it was a mistake. She supposedly swore she'd keep her mouth shut. She did for a few days and then she called me 20 something times but I wouldn't answer. Then she called on three way with her ex husband and it left me a voicemail. So I have this voicemail where she is saying you need to tell her and all kinds of vulgar stuff. He sounds very desperate saying you promised not to do this blah blah. This is how I find out.

 

Obviously I called him. He was denying it then I sent him the voicemail. He seemed genuinely sorry. He has begged, pleaded, sent flowers, candy, balloons, a stuffed animal. He claims I'm the love of his life and he can't believe he did that to me, did that to us. He has seen the pain it's caused me and him. He's cried, I've cried, we've cried together. He said he will do anything to rebuild our relationship. Anything...he's offered me to look at his phone & email. I'm just not that kind of person and I don't want to be.

 

The aftermath: the thing is he had sex with the ex that has tried to ruin our relationship. She's now sending emails to everyone about the sex. She's even

already insinuating she could be pregnant. Which is absurd since she's gone through menopause. That shows how nutty she is. I expected her of stabbing me in the back but never did I expect that my boyfriend would. The thing is she's going to be in our lives should I choose to stay. I just don't know if I can ever trust him or get over it since she is going to be in our lives.

 

I'm just coming out of the fog. I still can't believe it happened. I know she's a wacko and I'm an educated attractive woman that has so much going. From the start everyone thought my boyfriend and I were mismatched. Friends of mine said you can do better. Especially, since they knew of the crazy ex drama. I normally date CEO/attorney types. The thing is no man ever treated me better than my boyfriend. He showered me with attention, gifts, ran errands, he would do anything to help me. He proposed twice which I declined because I wanted him to get the crazy ex to stop before we moved forward. I even encouraged him to go back to school which he did. I built him up. I was always telling him I was proud of him. I have two companies and we even had plans to start a business in a field I'm already successful in. I ate up the attention he gave me, I'm so busy so it was nice to have someone so willing to do things for me and the sex was awesome too.

 

Any opinions/advice on whether I stay or go? Anyone have anything like this happen?

[Arieswoman]

Whymetx,

 

You ask;

 

Any opinions/advice on whether I stay or go?

 

I think you already know the answer.

 

Just ask yourself why you would want this kind of craziness in your life?

 

If you are a successful business woman you'll know the value of company image and marketplace reputation. Do you really want to risk that for this guy who's a cheat and a liar with a nut-job for an ex?

 

Get an injunction/restraining order on the ex (that should have happened from the beginning BTW) and please remove yourself from this situation ASAP.

 

I'm sorry x

[elaine567]

A fantastic illustration of why it is NEVER a good idea to get involved with people who are still closely involved and emotionally attached to an ex. As soon as you found out she was "crazy" that was when you should have walked away.

Indifference is what you want to see from exes, not continual drama and "craziness" and not love nor hate either.

What on earth were you thinking getting into that powder keg?

 

She continued her harassment of the two of you because he never actually shut her down.

He kept her on hold and so she felt confident enough to keep doing it.

"Crazy" exes can be fundamentally mentally ill, but often they are people who are driven mad by the mixed signals they get from their ex partner and spurred on by that, they will do just about anything to get them back.

 

YOU sound like a decent woman with your act together, so get yourself out of this mess.

They will only keep dragging you down and no doubt they will end up together anyway...

[smackie9]

I didn't even have to read it....go already, as fast as you can.

[Whymetx]

Thank you all! I needed another set of eyes to look at the situation. I don't think I could ever get past the betrayal coupled with the fact his crazy ex is always going to be in his life.

 

I agree he's not worth risking and screwing up my professional career.

 

I agree he's sending mixed signals to his ex. Never noticed that before so thanks for pointing that out. I now see he's been equally responsible for creating the drama as the ex is. And really when you think about he was sending me mixed signals as well. All the flowers, gifts, I love yous, etc...then BAM out of nowhere he cheated with ex. Actions speak volumes.

 

I broke things off with him today. He didn't take it well professing his love, I'm the love of his life, soulmate, etc begging and pleading for another chance. Those are lies, if he truly felt this way then none of this would be happening. I told him not wasting another minute on him. I already feel a little better. Because now I can focus on getting over it and move on! Rather than focusing on repairing a relationship that is doomed.

 

I agree I should of walked away the minute I realized his ex was a psycho. The first time she followed me in her car, I should of been like oh screw this I'm out! Looking back I think I just thought oh she's scorn, she'll get over it soon, like normal people do. I certainly thought about ending it many times before he cheated just due to the frequent harassment. I wish I would of but at the time I kept thinking the ex was the problem. Now, I realize HE was part of the problem and was stirring the drama pot.

 

Live and learn! I did learn one thing! If I start dating someone and find out they have a crazy ex, I'm running for my life! Thank you all again!

[smackie9]

Oh my.....crazy ex still in the picture?? Absolute dealbreaker. As a rule, I didn't date anyone who had "Crazy ex GFs" period.

[preraph]

So he's carrying on with her and at the same time filing harassment charges on her. Truth is he hasn't ever closed that door completely, obviously. So she may be nuts but she's not so nuts she doesn't know he won't still have sex with her.

 

She's going to be very hard to control now that he's had voluntary contact. My suggestion is this if you want to keep him. First, he never have contact with her and any kid exchanges be done through an intermediary. This has to be done through the court, mandated by the court. They are only allowed to communicate about necessary kid stuff and only via text or email (in writing so you have a record). And then he goes to marriage counseling with you to find out why he was this stupid.

[Whymetx]

Thanks Preraph, as much as I love him and omg it's a ton, it's just hard to get over the betrayal. I feel like he went there and threw away our relationship which was awesome. What I think about is if he cheated on me when the relationship was great...what would he do if the relationship was going through a rough patch?

 

He's willing to do the parallel parenting which you suggested. My issue is he can't even tell me HOW & WHY he cheated. His answer is he went stupid. Well I don't want to be with someone that can just go stupid. I want someone that has a brain and actually thinks of the consequences of their actions.

 

My brain says:

 

1. Parallel parenting isn't going to stop the crazy ex from harassing me.

2. I don't think I can ever trust him and I'm going to have the added anxiety of wondering when he's going to go stupid again and screw up.

3. I'm a good catch, I can find someone else that will treat me with respect, shower me with attention, love me, and that won't cheat and lie.

 

My heart says:

 

1. The relationship overall was amazing give him a chance with the parallel parenting.

2. He showered me with attention, flowers every week, helped with the house, ran errands, and I encouraged him to go back to school, strive for a better life, gave him words of encouragement, and showered him with attention.

 

I think everyone deserves a second chance, the thing is he was already on his second chance when he cheated. He didn't cheat on me the first time. The first time he went to exes to talk (behind my back) and the ex flipped out because he told her he loved me and she then started harassing me. He promised to never go back there again other than pick ups and drop offs. So this time when he went back over there he was breaking a promise he made to me and then had sex with her to add insult to injury.

 

I just don't know if the relationship is savable. It would take huge effort on his part which he says he's willing to do. I'm just going to sit back a while and see what actions he makes. If he actually goes and talks to an attorney, if he himself seeks counseling to find out HOW & WHY he cheated, etc. right now his word means nothing. I'm going to have a hard time believing anything he says.

 

Thanks so much for the advice!

[preraph]

Thanks Preraph, as much as I love him and omg it's a ton, it's just hard to get over the betrayal. I feel like he went there and threw away our relationship which was awesome. What I think about is if he cheated on me when the relationship was great...what would he do if the relationship was going through a rough patch?

 

 

This is very true. He wasn't thinking with his brain, that's for sure. I wouldn't be able to get past it either OR put up with a crazy ex. What will happen is you dump him, they try it again, it goes way south and maybe one or both will finally get it out of their system.

 

It's said he was such a good bf, makes the loss harder, but this counts more than flowers, that's for sure. I think maybe he is just a little weak about women. I have an ex like that. But when it gets to where they'll let it hurt the one they're with, that's a bad lack of boundary or self-control, which is indicative of bigger problems.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You have your head on straight though. Why put yourself through either a crazy ex or a crazy mother-in-law the man isn't man enough to control?

[Space Ritual]

Something that needs to be said.

 

OP,

 

I would like to point out that the cheating on his part had zero to do with you. That is why for all your good qualities, you probably have a hard time understanding why on top of his exes' faults would he cheat with her.

 

It is always about the brokenness of the cheater themselves. As much as you may not like what I am about to say, it is true.

 

Even though he cheated with his ex, it could have been anyone. Cheaters usually "Affair Down".

 

That is why so many of the stories here end up that the cheater chose to bang a Bridge Toll as oppose to remaining faithful. They are seriously broken people.

 

After what you have been through, You can expect a minimum of three to five years for him to do constant work on himself in order to make him a safe partner. That being said, it sounds like he won't o can;t do the work, so I think you should release him to his destiny so you can find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

 

Good Luck

[MountainGirl111]

Got burned by a crazy "other girlfriend" situation once. It was horrid, absolutely horrid. She had been stalking me. Then she threatened to commit suicide. That's when I bailed on both of them and got the hell out of there and never looked back. He explained her away by saying things like "She's just an old flame. That's all." Mmmm Hmmmm. An old flame who would kill herself over this. yeah.

[elaine567]

Even though he cheated with his ex, it could have been anyone. Cheaters usually "Affair Down".

 

 

Not sure if that is actually true.

The BS and society in general will always see the AP as being "less than", but whether that is objectively true I am not sure.

 

Here he didn't "affair down", he just went back to his former wife and mother of his children...

I guess he went back to where he is most comfortable.

 

The OP did however "date down", and she needs to ask herself why?

[salparadise]

The ex has severe mental problems. She's a convicted felon and has served prison time twice. 6 months and then 2 years. She's early 50's and she's pure evil that hides behind Jesus...

 

She's even told people if she could get rid of me then he will come back to her.

 

From the start everyone thought my boyfriend and I were mismatched. Friends of mine said you can do better. Especially, since they knew of the crazy ex drama. I normally date CEO/attorney types.

 

So you made the decision which I believe is completely justified, but my question is, what possessed you to get in this deep with a guy like this in the first place? The fact that he was married to and had kids with a twice convicted felon who has served two prison sentences should've been a clue, dontcha think? It's relevant to who he is.

 

Now this crazy ex of his is part of your story too! It will make for some interesting first date conversation with your next CEO/attorney. You won't forget to mention it will you?

[Whymetx]

Thanks again for everyone being so kind to give me their input because I literally have no one to talk to...it's way too embarrassing.

 

Elaine567, yes you are correct I was a little out of his league which is probably why I ate up all the attention he was giving me. I'm not going to lie this guy made me feel as if I were a queen! The men I normally date are busy professionals so not a lot of time for being the "I'm at your service" boyfriend type. I had never had this type of relationship so it felt amazing to be treated this way. It wasn't a one way street either, I encouraged him to take some classes and shared my business knowledge with him. I helped him grow and I always wanted and still do want the best for him. That's why I was blindsided, there was never any sign whatsoever that he'd be unfaithful. He's not a loser at all, has a pretty good job and is a hard worker. I'm financially independent, so I looked at it as if I can choose to date just based on love and how well someone treated me.

 

Salparadise, oh yes the signs...the thing is the full extent of his ex wife's lunacy came out slowly...bit by bit. So by the time I had a clear picture of who she is I was already in love with my boyfriend. Had I known how mentally ill she is and about her lengthy criminal record from the start I would have really thought twice before going all in. I believe he became her rescuer, he has a good heart. She served 6 months in prison before he met her (that he didn't know about) and then 2 years after, that's when he divorced her the first time. He remarried her after she was released because she vowed she'd changed and he thought she learned her lesson. Then quickly he realized she's still an alcoholic and became violent going to jail again for domestic violence against him, no prison time. He was done at this point and they divorced a second time.

 

The hard thing for me is he 100% knew that having sex with his crazy ex would get back to me. He knew she would tell me. So, even though he's begging for me to take him back. He chose to end our relationship with me the day he cheated. I just don't think I'm ever going to feel like I'm IT to him again. I can forgive, I can't forget. Right now he's jumping through hoops to win me back. I'm devastated by all this and quite frankly, I've never been hurt by a man like this before in my life. I've lost 7 lbs in 12 days. I don't eat, rarely sleep, can't focus at work, it's as if this disabled me. I'm working on just getting myself back! He sees how much he hurt me and I know he regrets it. He hurt himself and claims it's the worst mistake he's ever made in his life. Ya think??? And if I don't give him another chance, which is the way I'm leaning, I don't believe he will go back to his crazy ex. It's fine with me if he does, if he decides to live in a dysfunctional home that's his choice. He's seen a way better life than what he had. A life that was positive, where anything is possible and the sky's the limit, so I'm hoping for his sake he will continue to grow and strive for something better. When he does find love again, he will know to think twice before he throws it away.

[stillafool]

 

She served 6 months in prison before he met her (that he didn't know about) and then 2 years after, that's when he divorced her the first time. He remarried her after she was released because she vowed she'd changed and he thought she learned her lesson. Then quickly he realized she's still an alcoholic and became violent going to jail again for domestic violence against him, no prison time. He was done at this point and they divorced a second time.

 

 

^^^^This right here. He is tied to this woman in more ways than just his kids. All of the above and he STILL ONCE AGAIN fell in bed with her. I don't know if it's the sex or what but something about her he can't resist. You would be smart to let him go because more than likely they will do this again.

[Whymetx]

Stiilafool, thanks for your input. Maybe so, I'm just sitting back now while he's making counseling appointments, attorney appointments, doing everything he can for just a slim and I mean slim chance I'll take him back. He's free now so he can go right now back to her. Or just go hook up with her. And trust me if he does the crazy ex will be thrilled to let me know! Lol! I'm doing my own thing and maybe while he's jumping through hoops to get me back, I might just stumble across Mr. Right. I'm giving it plenty of time to see what he does. I want him to go back to her if that's what he wants...that's definitely what she wants. It's kinda funny she thought if she could run me off she'd have him back. I'm gone and he's begging at my feet and when I say that he literally came over the other night on his knees at my front door begging and pleading,not kidding! He has been crying everyday and he's just as hurt as me if not more, can barely get through a day at work. I've never seen someone so sincerely remorseful. I believe everything happens for a reason even though we may not understand what the reason is. Maybe God has a better match for me. Maybe God used me to open this man's eyes so that he understands the consequences of his actions in the future. Just because I've been cheated on it's not going to change me. I know I deserve much better and right now he's trying to prove that he's the ONE for me that he can be a better man. We shall see, it's not going to be easy, this will likely be the biggest effort he has ever made. And he knows it may not win me back. I do appreciate his effort, it would have been way easier for him to tuck tail and run off!

[frigginlost]

Stiilafool, thanks for your input. Maybe so, I'm just sitting back now while he's making counseling appointments, attorney appointments, doing everything he can for just a slim and I mean slim chance I'll take him back. He's free now so he can go right now back to her. Or just go hook up with her. And trust me if he does the crazy ex will be thrilled to let me know! Lol! I'm doing my own thing and maybe while he's jumping through hoops to get me back, I might just stumble across Mr. Right. I'm giving it plenty of time to see what he does. I want him to go back to her if that's what he wants...that's definitely what she wants. It's kinda funny she thought if she could run me off she'd have him back. I'm gone and he's begging at my feet and when I say that he literally came over the other night on his knees at my front door begging and pleading,not kidding! He has been crying everyday and he's just as hurt as me if not more, can barely get through a day at work. I've never seen someone so sincerely remorseful. I believe everything happens for a reason even though we may not understand what the reason is. Maybe God has a better match for me. Maybe God used me to open this man's eyes so that he understands the consequences of his actions in the future. Just because I've been cheated on it's not going to change me. I know I deserve much better and right now he's trying to prove that he's the ONE for me that he can be a better man. We shall see, it's not going to be easy, this will likely be the biggest effort he has ever made. And he knows it may not win me back. I do appreciate his effort, it would have been way easier for him to tuck tail and run off!

 

This is going to sting OP, so my apologies in advance:

 

Do not under any circumstance believe any type of remorse right now. True gut wrenching remorse would have started the very instant *he* told you of the cheating. He never did. You found out because of the crazy ex. If it was up to him, you would have never found out. I know you are hurting like nothing you have ever felt. All of us who have been cheated on have been right where you are, and it is the worst place in the world.

 

If I can offer you any advice, it would be to come to these boards and vent as often as you need. It will help massively as there are those of us who have been through it. You seem to have your head screwed on straight so that is going to help you a ton. But, I'm sorry to say that you are only just now starting down a very, very, painful road. The feelings you are going to feel are going to be brutal and it is a roller coaster you will not be able to get off of. But with others who have experienced it helping you out when need be things will get better.

 

That's why we are here. :-)

[preraph]

I agree not to give consideration to the extreme remorse after the fact. They're always crying and sorry AFTER they get caught. The inescapable fact is he took a chance on really hurting you, and no one does that if they have the capacity to love deeply and have empathy. The last thing you want to do to someone you truly love is hurt them. He's sorry he got caught and wasn't able to juggle you both, but his stupidity is alarming because he knows the ex isn't about to let him get away with anything like that.

[aliveagain]

Do you really need this much drama in your life? He failed his audition, flowers will never make up for infidelity. Her claim that she is pregnant is confirmation that they had unprotected sex, your at risk, get a full STD screening girl. You can do better then this, hell, being alone is better then this.

[Whymetx]

Thank you...very good points. I don't need this drama no I truly don't. I can't even run my businesses with all this crap going on. I'm crushed, no doubt, for whatever reason I want to see him jump through hoops! Instead of just saying F*** OFF! I know I deserve better and can have better. Why do I want him to make a huge effort to get me back when I don't think we are going to work out anyway? Why not just delete and block his number, block on social media? I guess I'm just that hurt and want to actually feel like I meant something. How could he tell me he loved me 20-30 times a day, texting and posting on my facebook love quotes all the time, texting heart and kiss emojis 20 times a day, give me flowers twice a week for 18 months and not really love me? He proposed twice Vera Wang ring and all. I declined both times because I wanted him to get the crazy ex to stop the bull****. I just can't understand and I probably need to accept I never will. Thank you all!

[frigginlost]

Thank you...very good points. I don't need this drama no I truly don't. I can't even run my businesses with all this crap going on. I'm crushed, no doubt, for whatever reason I want to see him jump through hoops! Instead of just saying F*** OFF! I know I deserve better and can have better. Why do I want him to make a huge effort to get me back when I don't think we are going to work out anyway? Why not just delete and block his number, block on social media? I guess I'm just that hurt and want to actually feel like I meant something. How could he tell me he loved me 20-30 times a day, texting and posting on my facebook love quotes all the time, texting heart and kiss emojis 20 times a day, give me flowers twice a week for 18 months and not really love me? He proposed twice Vera Wang ring and all. I declined both times because I wanted him to get the crazy ex to stop the bull****. I just can't understand and I probably need to accept I never will. Thank you all!

 

Because you don't realize it yet, but he smashed your self-esteem. Subconsciously, you are trying to rationalize what you see as rejection. His begging and pleading is filling that hole. Sadly, it's only temporary.

 

There are people out there that can love someone and cheat on them. They are broken as they don't correlate one with the other. Sex is an act to fill something they are missing within themselves. They can justify the act by stating "I didn't love them, but I love you".

[preraph]

^ I disagree with this, though it's all the cheaters' excuse. I think people with that mindset are not capable of loving deeply enough to not be selfish and hurt people and put their own impulsive needs higher on the priority list than devastating someone who truly loved them. They just don't know what love it. I think they still think sex is love and love is sex.

[enddeck]

Thank you...very good points. I don't need this drama no I truly don't. I can't even run my businesses with all this crap going on. I'm crushed, no doubt, for whatever reason I want to see him jump through hoops! Instead of just saying F*** OFF! I know I deserve better and can have better. Why do I want him to make a huge effort to get me back when I don't think we are going to work out anyway? Why not just delete and block his number, block on social media? I guess I'm just that hurt and want to actually feel like I meant something. How could he tell me he loved me 20-30 times a day, texting and posting on my facebook love quotes all the time, texting heart and kiss emojis 20 times a day, give me flowers twice a week for 18 months and not really love me? He proposed twice Vera Wang ring and all. I declined both times because I wanted him to get the crazy ex to stop the bull****. I just can't understand and I probably need to accept I never will. Thank you all!

 

You are feeling very vulnerable right now.This guy has destroyed your self esteem and his ex is taking pleasure in humiliating you every chance she gets.

He knew exactly what he was doing and is well aware that if you accept his behaviour now you will always accept it.After numerous separations and two divorces he is still sleeping with his ex,he will never break contact with her and every time he is not with you you will suspect he is with her.

Dump him!

[Space Ritual]

Why do I want him to make a huge effort to get me back when I don't think we are going to work out anyway? Why not just delete and block his number, block on social media? I guess I'm just that hurt and want to actually feel like I meant something.

 

Again to my point I made earlier about it not being about you.

 

As much as you hope that you meant something, the fact is that the actions of a cheater, no matter who they cheat with or on, are actions taken because everything is about THEM. You were little more than an afterthought until the cat got let out of the bag. It is a hard thing for us victims of infidelity to swallow, that we really did not mean that much, yet the action itself is proof positive of exactly that

 

If they actually had forethought about how actions affect others, it would give some of them pause. But yet they do it.

 

He did it all because he could, and it was all about him. I know you are hurt, but the sooner you take actions to make him insignificant the faster you will begin to heal from his cheating.

 

The goal of the exercise is to reach a point of indifference, which truly is the opposite of love, because Hate is an emotion. To be unmoved in any way shape or form by his presence or even as a passing thought will hopefully one day happen for you.

[Whymetx]

Thanks again, I appreciate the input.

 

Space Ritual, I totally agree the act of cheating is about THEM, it is selfish with no regard for the pain they are inevitably going to cause to the person they claim to love.

 

I have talked with him over and over the last two weeks. Why? I guess I want to understand how this could happen to us. I want to understand how he could be professing his love to me so convincingly in many ways over the last 18 months and then just BAM go cheat with his crazy ex?? Then continue the love charade with me as if nothing happened. Until the crazy ex told me. I have come to realize many things over our talks and finally I'm putting the puzzle pieces together.

 

I asked him why not just break up with me, why cheat? His answer, he doesn't want to break up, he still doesn't and he still wants to work things out with me. He claims not to know why he cheated. He has a counselor session this week to help him figure this out.

 

I have pieced together the puzzle and it is not something I believe I can accept or get over. And it's something that is very painful for me to accept and I'm working on it.

 

1. He broke a promise. He wasn't suppose to go over there anymore other than drop offs or pick ups since his crazy ex would go nuts and start all the non-sense drama and harassment. He had promised and vowed to me he wouldn't go there again. This was his second chance and he broke that promise to me just by going over there. So he **** on his second chance.

 

2. He lied, he even told the ex "You can't tell my girlfriend I came over." So, he knew he was doing something he shouldn't be doing.

 

3. The actual cheating. This is hard to stomach. Basically, his crazy ex just took her clothes off and told him she wanted sex (I'm sure she had it planned all along...knowing she would tell me.). And he just went "stupid" he claims. No, he had the choice to cheat or not to, he chose to cheat.

 

4. He knew 100% he would get caught. He 100% knew she would tell me of his infidelity.

 

5. He tried to cover it up and lied even more. First, he begged her not to tell me and when she did he tried to lie saying "Oh you know how she's trying to ruin our relationship, she made it up." Honestly, I might have believed him until she sent the voicemail with him saying "you promised to keep your mouth shut, blah, blah ,blah.

 

6. Only once he was caught...with no way out he admitted it.

 

The conclusion, he chose to cheat, he knew I'd find out, he did it anyway knowing it would end our relationship. So what I don't get if he KNEW I would find out and he knew it would end our relationship. Why? Why, go through the whole begging and pleading for another chance. From where I stand he chose to end our relationship the night he cheated.

 

And, in our talks of getting back together I uncovered something else. I asked him WHY did he leave the door cracked open with the crazy ex? He claims because he was trying to get more time with his child. Well, that's not true I discovered and this is how I discovered it...him and I were discussing parallel parenting and he had plans to speak to an attorney. I suggested, while he is petitioning the court for parallel parenting (which surely he would be granted due to the multiple harassment charges pending against the ex) he might as well ask for more time with the child. He said no, he would keep the visitation the same and just have the third party in place for pick ups and drop offs and so he could have no communications whatsoever with ex. I asked him why not ask for more time, he said he didn't want to take time away from me. So, his claim of leaving the door open with ex WAS NOT TO GET MORE TIME WITH HIS CHILD. I believe his motive to leave the door open with the ex wasn't that he wanted her back, it wasn't that he wanted more time with his child, it was because he wanted to see if he could just have occasional sex with her and keep it a secret, while he was carrying on this fake love affair with me. Ok, just a second I need to vomit. I could be wrong on some of this. What I'm not wrong about is he kept the door open with ex for other reasons than wanting more time with the child.

 

Only a very flawed person could do this. I'm glad he's getting counseling and I hope he is honest in his therapy sessions. I'm so heartbroken, I'm just glad I know, as much as it hurts me now. I deserve way better than this. And, someone said being alone is better than going through this, I agree. I'll be alright and I will get over this and go on with my life.

 

Thanks again!