Dad is not accepting my decision to move abroad and it's ruining our relationship

[b1a6]

One year ago I made the decision to move to South Korea. I was going crazy of boredom in my hometown in Virginia. I had two best friends who I saw every once in a while (both got married or had a baby recently). I also had some “friends of friends” but I stopped meeting them because there were a couple of incidents where they were very rude to me. There’s not much to do in the DC area and I couldn’t stay out past a certain hour without my dad making a stink about it. Also my dating life was dismal- I’m probably going to be judged for this or some of you may see this as racist, but I only find Asian guys attractive. I used to like white and Hispanic guys a lot, I don’t know why I became this way after high school but I really can’t help it.

Before moving to Korea I moved by myself to NYC in hopes of staring a new exciting life with more things to do, having new friends and more guy options. I worked as a nurse assistant and it was an absolutely horrible job, I only lasted 2 months before I tried to get out. I had plans to be a nurse before but I decided I wanted to try teaching English abroad, a dream I had since high school but never thought I would actually do it.

Now here I am living and teaching in South Korea, although I have a good life here overall, there’s always a cloud over my head because of my father. Every time I phone call with him, he ends up asking about when I’m “coming back home” and gets pissed that I can’t give him a definitive answer. So I never call him any more because I always have to hang up on him. My dad wants me to be as close to home as possible just because he loves me a lot. He and my mom are still married and their relationship is pretty good, and my little brother lives at home but their relationship is not good. My little brother has been depressed and on and off suicidal since he was 14. He can be a little s**t sometimes although he has matured a bit since he turned 18, he gets into fights with my dad.

My dad is convinced that the reason I left home is because of him, or our whole family. I will admit that living at home was stressful because my family is just… how can I say this… a big bundle of negativity. With my depressed brother, hot-tempered father and somewhat depressed mother, it was hard for me when was bored as hell and had all that negativity around me. And, my father would randomly mention me only dating Asian guys and get angry and start yelling at me and calling me racist. BUT, if my family was the only problem, I simply would have moved out of the house rather than to Korea. My family has a history of psychological issues and I’m starting to feel that my Dad does too. I don’t get why after a whole year of being here, he can’t let go of the idea that he’s the reason I moved so far away. I understand his point of view, if I were a parent I wouldn’t want any of my kids moving far away either. But at the same time, I only have one life to live and I don’t want to live it being miserable!!

My dad is never happy for me even though I’ve been able to accomplish so much. I can’t even mention to him if I’m dating a guy because he’ll freak out that I’ll stay here forever with my lover. I don’t have to pay rent, don’t need a car, have a stable job, can go out at any hour of the night even by myself because it’s so safe, there’s so many amazing restaurants and cafes, live gigs and festivals, I can easily meet people and make friends, I’m surrounded by cute guys, Seoul is such a fun place. And it’s fun traveling to the countryside and seeing amazing new things. I’ve explained this to him a million times but he literally doesn’t listen at all. He says I could be doing “the same thing in America” and “doesn’t understand why I would like life in Korea, but not America.”

I don’t plan to stay here forever but I’d like to stay one more year and then move to California and continue teaching English as a Second Language. If I fall in love with someone here though I’d like to stay until we got married (I only date guys who want to leave Korea some day). My dad knows this but he’s still always bothering me about coming back home. He’s making it really hard to have a relationship with him. We have always been extremely close and he’s a very supportive and caring father. But I feel kind of angry that he’s not even a little bit happy for me because all he can think about is me coming home. I’m starting to feel miserable again. Not a single English teacher in Korea that I know has a parent who is reacting this way.

What should I do? I feel like the only choice I have now is to stop talking to my father all together. Which would absolutely break my heart because both of my parents are a very important part of my life and were the ones I could always depend on when I was feeling down. He doesn’t even know about the depression I’ve suffered which I keep a secret because he’s already dealing with my suicidal brother. I never wanted to cause trouble for my family, but he’s telling me I’m being a “pain in the ass” and making me feel so bad for living my dream. Recently my brother got into a fight with my dad over me, he called my dad childish and a cranky man or something like that and my dad walked out of the restaurant they were in. So now they’re fighting because of me… wtf, I never wanted to cause trouble like this.

[d0nnivain]

Your father wants what is best for you & now with all the trouble brewing in North Korea your father is probably TERRIFIED for your safety.

 

 

Call your other family members but write to your father. If you can't hear his criticism in real time it might make it sting less. In your letters assure him that you love him but emphasize all the good things about your life abroad.

 

 

As your father sees you happy & successful he should come around.

[b1a6]

Your father wants what is best for you & now with all the trouble brewing in North Korea your father is probably TERRIFIED for your safety.

 

 

Call your other family members but write to your father. If you can't hear his criticism in real time it might make it sting less. In your letters assure him that you love him but emphasize all the good things about your life abroad.

 

 

As your father sees you happy & successful he should come around.

Thanks for your response. Actually he is not concerened about N. Korea and neither is anybody in S. Korea. It's election time since the president was recently impeached, and N. Korea always puts on some show during elections. I have already explained to my father what I enjoy it here but it's like it goes through one of his ears and out the other.

[d0nnivain]

Just keep living your life & being happy. More gets through to your dad then you know.

 

 

I made a few decisions that my father didn't care for but in the end he was happy for me that I lived my life.

[anna121]

It sounds like you are happy in Korea and that is great and, really, not anyone else's decision. If your Dad refuses to stop badgering you then you are right refuse to engage with him. Try and make regular calls to your Mom and perhaps brother to stay connected. I agree with the suggestion to write to him - maybe send him a monthly card so he does't feel completely abandoned.

[b1a6]

It sounds like you are happy in Korea and that is great and, really, not anyone else's decision. If your Dad refuses to stop badgering you then you are right refuse to engage with him. Try and make regular calls to your Mom and perhaps brother to stay connected. I agree with the suggestion to write to him - maybe send him a monthly card so he does't feel completely abandoned.

 

That's kind of what we've been doing for a while. I only facebook message with my dad, but I call regularly with my mom and brother. Not as much with my mom as I'd like because she is usually busy. The facebook messages were going fine until I told him that I was excited for finding my new job in Seoul and my dad said "How about getting a job in the good ol' USA?" But I'll be visiting home for a month during the summer so I'll have to face him in real life... hope we can resolve it then

[OptimismHopeTrust]

I read your post yesterday and I needed some time to think it through before responding.

I can "hear" that you really love your dad and you are sad that he is not able to support your decisions right now. I also hear your concern for him as well as your mother and brother. It tells a lot about you, that you are caring and kind and sensitive. I also feel the pain you are expressing as well as the frustration and even the anger. You made a decision to go and you want to feel good about your choice.

You might want to consider another perspective. Your dad is probably scared and very sad. You are his only daughter and you are far away. Even if you are "safe" in reality, a dad feels with his heart and not his mind. He can't see you, he can't get to you easily, therefore, he can't protect you. Additionally, he is getting older and he is probably grieving on many levels. He is grieving that his daughter needs him less and is not with him anymore and he is grieving that life may not have turned out as he had hoped. It sounds challenging with your brother and he may feel responsible even if that is not so. Parents love their children irrationally and unconditionally. Your move to another country has had to be hard on your parents. It does not mean you should not make that choice, it simply means that you might want to consider the other side. Instead of defending your decision or even justifying it, tell your dad you love him deeply. Acknowledge that you understand how hard this is for him, how you appreciate his concern and how he wishes you could be closer. Let him know you feel the same, that it has been hard to be apart from the family but this is where you really feel called to be. He may need your validation in order to support you or get used to the idea that you are not around or that his "little girl" is growing up.

I understand your comments about your family as well as the "negative" energy that exists. But you also probably understand that there is not one family without issues, they may present differently, but every family has their struggles, challenges and difficulties. I think "family" is God's way of preparing us for the real world where conflict, difficult people, complex situations, etc. surround us every day. We make the choice to love. Love is not a "feeling" but an intentional decision because no one is lovable all the time. If one of my children made the decision you made, I would be sad and it would tug on my heart strings. I would try to be supportive, but I know my heart would ache. A parent wants what is best for their child....give it time and your father will get there. Assure him that you will always be connected and make effort to keep contact so he feels less angst or even anger. It is probably not "anger" as much as it is hurt and coming to terms that he is powerless.

Follow your heart but always be willing to reassess and change your course if it feels like you should. If you are meant to find love there, it will happen. Don't force it, just trust that there is plan for your life and it will be realized. I wish you and your family the best. I wish you joy wherever you are. Stay strong and hold on to your family, they are not replaceable!

[b1a6]

I read your post yesterday and I needed some time to think it through before responding.

I can "hear" that you really love your dad and you are sad that he is not able to support your decisions right now. I also hear your concern for him as well as your mother and brother. It tells a lot about you, that you are caring and kind and sensitive. I also feel the pain you are expressing as well as the frustration and even the anger. You made a decision to go and you want to feel good about your choice.

You might want to consider another perspective. Your dad is probably scared and very sad. You are his only daughter and you are far away. Even if you are "safe" in reality, a dad feels with his heart and not his mind. He can't see you, he can't get to you easily, therefore, he can't protect you. Additionally, he is getting older and he is probably grieving on many levels. He is grieving that his daughter needs him less and is not with him anymore and he is grieving that life may not have turned out as he had hoped. It sounds challenging with your brother and he may feel responsible even if that is not so. Parents love their children irrationally and unconditionally. Your move to another country has had to be hard on your parents. It does not mean you should not make that choice, it simply means that you might want to consider the other side. Instead of defending your decision or even justifying it, tell your dad you love him deeply. Acknowledge that you understand how hard this is for him, how you appreciate his concern and how he wishes you could be closer. Let him know you feel the same, that it has been hard to be apart from the family but this is where you really feel called to be. He may need your validation in order to support you or get used to the idea that you are not around or that his "little girl" is growing up.

I understand your comments about your family as well as the "negative" energy that exists. But you also probably understand that there is not one family without issues, they may present differently, but every family has their struggles, challenges and difficulties. I think "family" is God's way of preparing us for the real world where conflict, difficult people, complex situations, etc. surround us every day. We make the choice to love. Love is not a "feeling" but an intentional decision because no one is lovable all the time. If one of my children made the decision you made, I would be sad and it would tug on my heart strings. I would try to be supportive, but I know my heart would ache. A parent wants what is best for their child....give it time and your father will get there. Assure him that you will always be connected and make effort to keep contact so he feels less angst or even anger. It is probably not "anger" as much as it is hurt and coming to terms that he is powerless.

Follow your heart but always be willing to reassess and change your course if it feels like you should. If you are meant to find love there, it will happen. Don't force it, just trust that there is plan for your life and it will be realized. I wish you and your family the best. I wish you joy wherever you are. Stay strong and hold on to your family, they are not replaceable!

Thank you for your thoughtful response. Sometimes I am afraid that he is angry at me, but I think what you said is right. My brother has said many harsh words to my dad and caused him a lot of trouble but my dad still loves him a lot. I know my dad is getting older and I want to be there for him in his old age and that's why I'm not planning to stay abroad forever. It's hard convincing him that I won't be here forever. I also agree that he may be feeling "abandoned" especially because his parents were pretty cold towards him and he felt like they didn't love him much. Basically me and my mom are the only people he ever felt truly loved by, maybe he is afraid of losing my love too. I will do my best to show him my love when I go to visit.

[preraph]

I don't think S. Korea is a great place to be right now because tensions are high with N. Korea and the US has an unstable leader who might set N. Korea's unstable leader off -- and S. Korea could turn into a war zone.