Mental Abuse in Marriage...

[sljohn]

Im not even sure where to start. I have been married for 6 yrs to my husband and together for 8. For the past years I have experienced what I now know as mental abuse. Here are some things he does or has done: He use to take my ring in arguments, threaten divorce, constantly accuse me of cheating (when I never have), very controlling; I wasn't allowed to go out with friends without him being jealous. He has stopped taking my ring and does let me go out now.

 

However, on Monday something serious happened. We have been in counseling for about a month now because I am just close to being done with everything. On Monday I get a text from my husband saying he's quitting work, leaves and then proceeds to call me 5 times and I wouldnt answer (he does this too, he doesnt let things go) then proceeds to tell me he is at the divorce attorney and I call him. He then starts acting really strange and telling me to tell him hes been a horrible husband, that he's doing the right thing and so forth...I tell him he's an a**hole and hangs up on him. I then had to go to a doctors appt. He texts me while im there "you dont even know the half of what i've done" I ask him what he means "I wanted to kill myself". I freak out leave my doctors go home and call him 5 times and he didnt answer (later find out he was talking to his cousin). I get home and there is what I would call a suicide note on the table to my son and pill bottles (migraine meds and cold pills). I called my counselor immediately and she cancels her next appt and I beg him to go in. He didnt take any pills or harm himself. He comes home and says that he is going to a psychiatrist the next day to get meds. He gets Zoloft. The rest of the week I felt like he was not himself and any little thing is just like a switch in him.

 

Last night I noticed something. He was at an interview for 2 hrs and I was worried something was wrong. When he got home he thought I was acting cold and he said "I dont think I can get better". Then after him knowing I was worried his whole demeanor changed and he was "normal" almost the most normal he has been all week.

 

My conclusion that I am getting to is that I believe that as long as he thinks he isn't going to lose me he is fine, but the moment he has any doubt he flips a switch. I dont know if the medication can help this. But with everything that has gone on in the past and this week with me being a complete mess I dont know what to do. I am in personal counseling now for myself and she told me to act normal to keep him stable.

 

Any advice?

[d0nnivain]

You say his has a psychiatrist who gives him Zoloft. Call that person & tell that doctor what is going on / what you observed. Under HIPPA the doctor may not be able to give you info but that person can & should listen if you tell them their patient is a danger to himself.

 

 

If you find him in a state of meaningful attempt call 911 then see about having him involuntarily committed.

 

 

You didn't say if you have kids, but they will want to know that mom took pains to save dad's life even if mom ends up divorcing dad. If he does kill himself it won't be your fault. It will be his choice.

[sljohn]

You say his has a psychiatrist who gives him Zoloft. Call that person & tell that doctor what is going on / what you observed. Under HIPPA the doctor may not be able to give you info but that person can & should listen if you tell them their patient is a danger to himself.

 

 

If you find him in a state of meaningful attempt call 911 then see about having him involuntarily committed.

 

 

You didn't say if you have kids, but they will want to know that mom took pains to save dad's life even if mom ends up divorcing dad. If he does kill himself it won't be your fault. It will be his choice.

 

 

Yes on Wed, I did call the counseling place and left a detailed message on the nurses line about what happened. They told me I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone. No one ever called me back.

 

I do have kids, we have a 3 yr old son and I have a 13 yr old son too. Both live at home.

[amaysngrace]

Threatening suicide can be a form of emotional manipulation and since he's switched it off now it may very well be his deal.

 

Did you say that you have children? You should try to remove them from the toxic environment they're being raised in if at all possible.

 

And if it's not possible you should strive to find a way to make it become possible.

[sljohn]

I forgot to add that one thing I noticed last night is whenever he has a thought that he is going to lose me is when it seems like this switch happens goes into an odd state of mind. If he thinks that we are okay he is "normal". Also he has told me all he can think about is me, he also told me if he was to go stay with his mother that all he would think about is he is losing me and I am moving on so he wont go to his mothers.

[somanymistakes]

It's hard to know how much of that is intentional manipulation and how much of that is he has a serious problem, but either way, he has a serious problem.

 

Some sites talking about how to deal with potentially leaving a partner who is emotionally unstable and making threats in this way encourage going for a trial separation rather than a breakup. Because a single moment of "that's it, we're done" is likely to trigger a dramatic reaction, where a slow easing out of the situation doesn't give them the same immediate trigger to frantically try for your attention. It also does present an honest opportunity for them to work on themselves and try to show you that they've improved.

[BaileyB]

Two things here...

 

First, he is not stable right now so he needs to get help. He needs a doctor to help him find the right medication, he needs a good counsellor, and he is not able to get things under control, he may need hospitalization.

 

Then, you have to address the other issues in your marriage. It definitely seems that you are the victim of emotional abuse and threatening suicide is the ultimate form of emotional manipulation. You need to decide if you want to stay in a marriage that significantly impacts your mental health and wellbeing.

 

But, whatever happens, you need to know that you are not responsible for his mental health. You should not stay with a man after the crisis has passed because you think you can help him, save him, or with the expectation that he will get better... This has been going on for a long time, so it's reasonable to predict that his issues will continue once he moves through this crisis. Your priority moving forward should be physical safety and emotional health of you, and your children. This is not a healthy environment for children and you have a responsibility to provide a healthy and safe home for your children. That is of primary importance!

Edited April 28, 2017 by BaileyB

[Mr. Lucky]

It's hard to know how much of that is intentional manipulation and how much of that is he has a serious problem, but either way, he has a serious problem.

 

Exactly. The mental state needed to produce this level of manipulation and drama is in itself a disorder.

 

sljohn, while I empathize with what you're going through, your husband is ill. Minimizing it by labeling as jerkish behavior won't solve the problem, he needs professional assistance.

 

Getting him that help and protecting your children should be your top priorities. Addressing the issues in and state of your marriage can wait...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sljohn]

Exactly. The mental state needed to produce this level of manipulation and drama is in itself a disorder.

 

sljohn, while I empathize with what you're going through, your husband is ill. Minimizing it by labeling as jerkish behavior won't solve the problem, he needs professional assistance.

 

Getting him that help and protecting your children should be your top priorities. Addressing the issues in and state of your marriage can wait...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Mr. Lucky, I do agree, but I am afraid to leave because any little thing I do to even show that I am wanting out of the marriage he starts becoming "unstable". So I guess I just dont know how to get out.

[BaileyB]

Mr. Lucky, I do agree, but I am afraid to leave because any little thing I do to even show that I am wanting out of the marriage he starts becoming "unstable". So I guess I just dont know how to get out.

 

Well, you need to get him to a doctor and more stable on medication.

 

But once that happens, if his behavior continues then you will know more that he is manipulating you... And this should not be tolerated. You will need to do what you need to do to protect yourself and your children from such abuse. It won't be easy, but it will be necessary.

 

I would suggest that when the time is right, you seek the assistance of counsellors, domestic violence shelters, lawyers, and/or the police if it becomes necessary.

[d0nnivain]

Mr. Lucky, I do agree, but I am afraid to leave because any little thing I do to even show that I am wanting out of the marriage he starts becoming "unstable". So I guess I just dont know how to get out.

 

 

If it's time for you to get out, you call his psychiatrist or write that doctor a letter & tell them that you are leaving & they should pay more attention to their patient because this trigger is about to happen.

 

 

Then you do what you need to do for your own sake & be done with him. The kids will know you showed compassion & then anything he does is HIS CHOICE & not your responsibility.

[NTV]

Im not even sure where to start. I have been married for 6 yrs to my husband and together for 8. For the past years I have experienced what I now know as mental abuse. Here are some things he does or has done: He use to take my ring in arguments, threaten divorce, constantly accuse me of cheating (when I never have), very controlling; I wasn't allowed to go out with friends without him being jealous. He has stopped taking my ring and does let me go out now.

 

However, on Monday something serious happened. We have been in counseling for about a month now because I am just close to being done with everything. On Monday I get a text from my husband saying he's quitting work, leaves and then proceeds to call me 5 times and I wouldnt answer (he does this too, he doesnt let things go) then proceeds to tell me he is at the divorce attorney and I call him. He then starts acting really strange and telling me to tell him hes been a horrible husband, that he's doing the right thing and so forth...I tell him he's an a**hole and hangs up on him. I then had to go to a doctors appt. He texts me while im there "you dont even know the half of what i've done" I ask him what he means "I wanted to kill myself". I freak out leave my doctors go home and call him 5 times and he didnt answer (later find out he was talking to his cousin). I get home and there is what I would call a suicide note on the table to my son and pill bottles (migraine meds and cold pills). I called my counselor immediately and she cancels her next appt and I beg him to go in. He didnt take any pills or harm himself. He comes home and says that he is going to a psychiatrist the next day to get meds. He gets Zoloft. The rest of the week I felt like he was not himself and any little thing is just like a switch in him.

 

Last night I noticed something. He was at an interview for 2 hrs and I was worried something was wrong. When he got home he thought I was acting cold and he said "I dont think I can get better". Then after him knowing I was worried his whole demeanor changed and he was "normal" almost the most normal he has been all week.

 

My conclusion that I am getting to is that I believe that as long as he thinks he isn't going to lose me he is fine, but the moment he has any doubt he flips a switch. I dont know if the medication can help this. But with everything that has gone on in the past and this week with me being a complete mess I dont know what to do. I am in personal counseling now for myself and she told me to act normal to keep him stable.

 

Any advice?

 

It sounds like he's been cheating on you.

[Miss Peach]

You husband sounds a lot like my XH. He acted out in many similar stunts (except the suicide) whenever he felt threatened or jealous.

 

To be quite honest, many professional therapists aren't equipped to deal with abuse and it's contraindicated in MC. Many assume everything is essentially communication issues. Abuse and manipulation are not and many therapists IME don't have the skills to detect this.

 

FWIW, I left my XH and I'm very happy I did. It was hard for the first year (emotionally and financially) but the relief and the peace were worth it.

 

I was able to just file and serve him and had a place ready to go in case I needed it (he left to make a scene). But some women I know in similar situations literally had to just leave while he was at work or something so they could be in a safe place.

 

Does he act out in front of others? Many want to hide this stuff outside of the relationship/family? If not, it might help to start having a friend or family member around to keep him calmer.

[Superchicken]

Every post above is correct.

He is using control tactics.

I have to say, with a little disgust to me, is that I did similar things (I WAS VERY YOUNG) to my "First" girl friend. Always threaten to leave her, always criticizing her, always questioning her, etc.

When I felt I started to loose control of her, I had to act on her fears.

One was that I knew she loved me, and that was her Achilles heel.

Thinking about it now really p#sses me off on what I did.

I am just glad it was short lived, and I realized what harm it did.

 

 

Hold firm, and be the mountain.

Mohammed will eventually come to you .

Its all control.

 

 

Good luck.

 

 

Ted.