Is it unreasonable to settle for settling instead of waiting to fall in love?

[Hopeful30]

There are plenty of great quality guys out there that would make wonderful long term partners, and I've found that the #1 reason I am not interested in these guys is because I don't feel excitement or enthusiasm when I'm around them. I'm getting to that point where I'm beginning to loosen the rains on wanting to fall in love and realizing that having a stable, good partner is more important than sticking to an expectation.

 

By settling I don't mean being with someone I don't want to be with, but being okay with not feeling 100% how I always wanted to feel in a relationship. By settling I mean being okay with only feeling 70% of what I always wanted to feel in a relationship. Obviously no one is perfect, therefore no relationship can be perfect, thus you will never feel exactly how you always wanted to feel in a relationship... right?

 

Plus, I've never been in love. I have loved, and deeply, but never in love (not sure what that really means anyway). Now I'm getting to that point where I want a great companion. I want a relationship full of love and mutual respect and understanding, because it seems that these things are easier to find than being excited, enthusiastic or in love AND they are far more important when it comes to successful relationships. Excitement and enthusiasm alone isn't a foundation for a relationship, and you can't have it all.

 

Doesn't it make sense to be with a great partner and have a good relationship instead of hoping that one day you will find 'the' relationship? If we always think the grass is greener on the other side, then we might spend our entire lives going from lawn to lawn..

[Redhead14]

People seem to focus on "immediate gratification" when dating for a relationship. I mean, that they feel as though that when they first start dating someone that there will be bells and fantastic chemistry and they will know that they are the one.

 

When someone is building a fire, it starts out with a little spark and smoke. You need to fan the flames, observe whether it needs more fanning, wood, etc. You can't rush it by fanning harder or throwing on more wood because then the flame doesn't develop. When a relationship starts out with a little spark and less flame but it's nurtured and there is equal oxygen, fuel, etc., the flame grows.

[d0nnivain]

When you let go of that fairy tale need for "excitement" often you can find a great relationship. Good love grows more solid and deep over time.

[Hopeful30]

I agree with both above posts, but I've also been in that situation. I have fanned flames for two years and even though the love and commitment grew, there wasn't any excitement. I don't mean chemistry or sparks, but at least being okay with saying no to my girlfriends because I would rather spend time with my man. When the relationship is no longer new, I don't feel the need to do this because I know my man won't think I'm rejecting him, so I end up spending more time with my friends because it's more fun. When they ask what I think of my man, I only say good things, but then there's always the "then how come you don't get excited about him" question.

 

The one man I ever felt excited about...well he was not boyfriend material. It's kind of like the wife vs. mistress deal. You wouldn't want your wife to be like the mistress, nor your mistress to be like your wife. It's the same for men. He's either boyfriend material, or he's lover material. I haven't been able to find a man who is both.

Edited April 28, 2017 by Hopeful30

[BaileyB]

Give up any expectations you have about dating or what a relationship "should" feel like. When you meet someone you really like, the reality is different and better than anything you could imagine...

 

When I met my guy, I didn't feel sparks and I didn't get butterflies. I knew that he was a nice guy, I knew that I felt good when I was with him, and I knew that we had much in common. When I see him now, I get butterflies... but it is because I love him dearly and I know that he feels the same. Real love, is so much better than infatuation (which is what you are searching for, when you say that you want that feeling of excitement).

Edited April 28, 2017 by BaileyB

[Lilyana76]

People over sensationalize love and "the one"....

 

I see it as, loving the imperfect person perfectly. You will never find a perfect person, everyone is going to have something or do something that drives you up a wall. But you learn to love it, you adjust, you grow with them. The sparks, and the soulmate sh*t, is just that, sh*t. Don't believe in the movies, believe in real life.

[Leigh 87]

Not at all unreasonable.

 

 

I hit jackpot and scored big on both fronts but yes most women do tend to have to pick one or the other ( stability with a decent partner or fireworks and sparks. Never both)

 

 

It wouldn't have been acceptable for me to have to pick one one or the other. And it isn't acceptedable for most people to have to wait around years alone in the hope of finding it all.

[BaileyB]

I have fanned flames for two years and even though the love and commitment grew, there wasn't any excitement. I don't mean chemistry or sparks, but at least being okay with saying no to my girlfriends because I would rather spend time with my man.

 

You had moved through the romantic love stage and settled into the next stage of your relationship. This is when many decide that it's not right and leave for another relationship, searching for the excitement they feel when the relationship is new. There may be nothing wrong with the relationship, but the excitement of the early relationship can't be sustained long term... However, the growing relationship that develops, can be more wonderful...

 

And, that is always how I felt, until I met the right person. I would watch girlfriends say no to invitations to spend time with their boys, and I would think "that will never be me." But, it is me... And, it will be you someday when you meet the right man.

 

But, expectations will ruin every thing...

[Hopeful30]

You had moved through the romantic love stage and settled into the next stage of your relationship. This is when many decide that it's not right and leave for another relationship, searching for the excitement they feel when the relationship is new. There may be nothing wrong with the relationship, but the excitement of the early relationship can't be sustained long term... However, the growing relationship that develops, can be more wonderful...

 

And, that is always how I felt, until I met the right person. I would watch girlfriends say no to invitations to spend time with their boys, and I would think "that will never be me." But, it is me... And, it will be you someday when you meet the right man.

 

But, expectations will ruin every thing...

 

This is my desire or expectation. This is how I want to feel. I don't have criteria as to how that will come about, but that's what I want in a relationship, to meet the right person. To decline invitations and WANT to spend all this time with my man.

Edited April 28, 2017 by Hopeful30

[Redhead14]

I agree with both above posts, but I've also been in that situation. I have fanned flames for two years and even though the love and commitment grew, there wasn't any excitement. I don't mean chemistry or sparks, but at least being okay with saying no to my girlfriends because I would rather spend time with my man. When the relationship is no longer new, I don't feel the need to do this because I know my man won't think I'm rejecting him, so I end up spending more time with my friends because it's more fun. When they ask what I think of my man, I only say good things, but then there's always the "then how come you don't get excited about him" question.

 

The one man I ever felt excited about...well he was not boyfriend material. It's kind of like the wife vs. mistress deal. You wouldn't want your wife to be like the mistress, nor your mistress to be like your wife. It's the same for men. He's either boyfriend material, or he's lover material. I haven't been able to find a man who is both.

 

Listen, there are points in good relationships whether the "fire" kinda dims and is burning without much "maintenance". The stage where the relationship become comfortable, reliable, stable, etc. However, just like fire, you need to tend to it. When the flames get too low, it's just smoldering and not warm, etc., so you need to throw some wood on it.

 

If a man is boyfriend/relationship material and he isn't quite lover material, then you need to explore and work together to make that experience more pleasurable/interesting. The sign of real boyfriend/relationship material is not that there is instant and constant fire in that area, it's when a man or woman is willing and wanting to make that experience as satisfying as the other aspects of the relationship. The bedroom relationship is just like the "love" part of the relationship. That can grow too and needs to be tended to. If you have a selfish lover, that's not going to work either.

 

My point is find a guy who is boyfriend material/relationship material and don't focus too much on the bedroom aspect. That is something that can be worked on addressed if he really is good boyfriend/relationship material.

 

It's not about being good in bed, it's about the willingness to work on, be open and honest and communicate needs, wants, desires, fantasies, explore, etc.

[olivetree]

This is my desire or expectation. This is how I want to feel. I don't have criteria as to how that will come about, but that's what I want in a relationship, to meet the right person. To decline invitations and WANT to spend all this time with my man.

 

I'll preface this by saying I'm not the most practical person when it comes to love.

I want it all.

So I say, don't settle!

 

If you tie yourself up in a relationship that you're ho hum about, then you will be unavailable / have less chance of meeting the right guy.

 

So, to actually make it happen, it's all about mindset.

The key is to be open to the idea that the kind of guy you wouldn't normally go for could be the guy for you.

 

That is what happened to me, and now I have both (the guy is who my best friend who I'm also passionate about).

 

Besides, would you want to be settled for?

[Whodatdog]

The only thing I would add is, if you do get in a relationship, thinking you are "settling", realize you are not the only person in this relationship. Its a commitment to someone, and you can't just scamper off if someone comes along that gives you butterflies.

[grays]

I dont think settling is necessarily unreasonable. I was crazy over my ex, who I was with for 25 years, but I was still settling. I didnt realize it st the time. I always thought I loved him so much that the ****ty stuff was worth it. Gah! I was crazy over him and we had great chemistry, in a lot of ways he was a great companion, but he was still really awful to be with.

 

Now Ive been single for almost three years and Ive been dating for most of that time. Ive met a ton of men and Ive really liked a lot of them but none of them have had both. So far its been much easier for me to find chemistry than companionship. That might partly be because Ive learned my lesson about settling. But I also think there may come a time when I settle again, though probably not in the same way. I just have not run across a single guy that has had it all.

[Hopeful30]

If you tie yourself up in a relationship that you're ho hum about, then you will be unavailable / have less chance of meeting the right guy.

 

That's why I haven't settled yet, but as you get older, you know, you start to look at things a bit differently. What if I meet this guy when I'm 50 or 60? I don't want to have spent my entire life alone only to meet the right person when a large portion of it is over.

 

It's like my exes. I always knew they weren't the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but we still made good memories and we had fun. I wasn't alone during those times, even though I was settling at the time.

 

I'm not 20 anymore though, and if I do dedicate my time to someone, I want it to be with someone I can build a life with. If I meet the right man at 60, will it be wrong to still have spent 30 years will someone else?

 

It's like divorced couples who don't meet the right person until many years later. They still had a marriage and possibly kids, so those years weren't entirely empty even though they weren't with the right person.

 

It just sucks not having anyone to remember memories with. It's always "when I was" or "when I did". My best years I wanted to be with someone, to share my most intimate secrets and to give in entirely, but I haven't met this man. My best years when I was the most beautiful, full or energy and life, are now slowly being left behind me and I wanted so desperately to share that with someone. Ever since I was young I always had this feeling of wanting really deep connection with someone who I could love and who could love me, and I wanted to share everything with them, and give them everything, and just grow old together and really have that closeness, and it breaks my heart that this man hasn't come along.

 

I'm not sure I'm willing to spend more years alone and sharing nothing with anyone. Wouldn't you rather have a great person by your side who you can appreciate, love and respect, even if they aren't the man you have been wanting your whole life?

Edited April 28, 2017 by Hopeful30

[Redhead14]

What if I meet this guy when I'm 50 or 60? I don't want to have spent my entire life alone only to meet the right person when a large portion of it is over. -- That is why you need to be living a rich, rewarding life on your own -- alone -- and be able to enjoy the here and now.

 

That being said, if you meet the one at 50 or 60, you will not be thinking about the fact that a large portion of your life is over . . . you will be looking forward to the future and focused on and appreciating just how much time you do have left and making most of it -- just like you should be doing now.

[Hopeful30]

What if I meet this guy when I'm 50 or 60? I don't want to have spent my entire life alone only to meet the right person when a large portion of it is over. -- That is why you need to be living a rich, rewarding life on your own -- alone -- and be able to enjoy the here and now.

 

That being said, if you meet the one at 50 or 60, you will not be thinking about the fact that a large portion of your life is over . . . you will be looking forward to the future and focused on and appreciating just how much time you do have left and making most of it -- just like you should be doing now.

 

I know it might sound like I'm saying this just to prove something, but that's what makes it more depressing. My life is already so beautiful and rich! I have travelled to so many places in the world, climbed mountains and dove the depths of the sea. I'm still travelling and learning my 6th language! My life is so beautiful and there is so much I have learned.

 

And again, no one to share it with. It seems that this deep love connection is all that's missing. I don't need a man, and I've been doing all this travelling and discovery and mountain climbing and diving all on my own, and it's been wonderful. But there comes a time when you want to have these experiences with someone else. I have healed and grown and travelled and done all the wonderful things most people want to do for a fulfilling life. Those portions of adventure and self-love and learning have been explored and lived and experienced. Love is one of the things still on the list that I can't do on my own, and it's one of the things I really want to experience.

 

But if it's unreasonable to wait my entire life for something like that, I would rather start building a good relationship with someone so I can at least experience some form of love and connection that is beyond short relationships. The question is when is it time to stop waiting for the right person? Some people are capable of waiting their entire lives, but I'm not one of those people. I love being in relationships and having closeness and intimacy. Must I keep myself from experiencing that just because it's not with the right person?

Edited April 28, 2017 by Hopeful30

[grays]

I hear you about having a great life on your own not being enough. Im also really active and have things in my life that bring me a lot of joy. I have two boys who I adore. But when something exciting happens, I have noone to share it with. Having been married, I know what its like to have an other half and I really miss that, someone who knows my whole story and gets me, someone who needs and values me, too. Gah. Someone to just relax with and let my guard down with.

 

How old are you, OP?

 

One thing that freaks me out is that falling for someone is not as easy as when I was younger. When I got together with my ex at 19 I didnt have so many deal breakers and turn offs. I wasnt as confident so I was more willing to compromise. Now I feel like a lot of compromise is nearly impossible. Those things will lead me either to a better partner or no partner at all. Or maybe it will help me make better decisions about what I can settle on and what I cant.

[Hopeful30]

I hear you about having a great life on your own not being enough. Im also really active and have things in my life that bring me a lot of joy. I have two boys who I adore. But when something exciting happens, I have noone to share it with. Having been married, I know what its like to have an other half and I really miss that, someone who knows my whole story and gets me, someone who needs and values me, too. Gah. Someone to just relax with and let my guard down with.

 

How old are you, OP?

 

One thing that freaks me out is that falling for someone is not as easy as when I was younger. When I got together with my ex at 19 I didnt have so many deal breakers and turn offs. I wasnt as confident so I was more willing to compromise. Now I feel like a lot of compromise is nearly impossible. Those things will lead me either to a better partner or no partner at all. Or maybe it will help me make better decisions about what I can settle on and what I cant.

 

I'm 28. I know it might sound silly because I'm quite young, but you know, being alone means you have plenty of time to work on yourself and live the life you want, so that's what I've been doing for most of my twenties. It's wonderful don't get me wrong! I'm very proud of my accomplishments, but the lingering feeling of wanting that deep connection has remained throughout. It's been there since I was about 15 years old actually.

 

I was ready for sex around that time too, but after waiting and waiting and still not meeting someone I had a deep connection with, I just picked a cute guy from school and got it over with (I was tired of being a virgin). I was 19 at the time. Same thing happening now I guess. I'm tired of not having a long-term committed relationship and I'm getting tired of waiting for the right person to come along for that to happen. Much like my virginity, I'm getting to the point where I'm thinking of just settling down because I'm sad of waiting.

[Purepony]

It's better if you don't think about it or focus on it

 

When I forget about it women suddenly pop up when I start thinking about it more then it won't work out and I catch myself reconsidering someone I knew was wrong for me ... they say when you least expect it, it happens

[Miss Spider]

Alternative idea: work on yourself so you can attract & keep the caliber of man you want and that gives you that feeling. I think if you really feel like "I am settling" you will never be happy in the relationship, even if you grow to love the person. To think you are settling implies to me you don't think very highly of that person. I think you both deserve better.

[Hopeful30]

It's better if you don't think about it or focus on it

 

When I forget about it women suddenly pop up when I start thinking about it more then it won't work out and I catch myself reconsidering someone I knew was wrong for me ... they say when you least expect it, it happens

 

This is true, but I guess what dove me back into this type of thinking is that I was single for over two years. I had just come back from travels and wasn't looking for anyone. Everything was perfect.

 

Then my recent ex boyfriend came along and ruined everything! Okay, maybe I'm being a bit dramatic, but everything was fine. Then he came along, drama, problems, he became abusive, and now I find myself wondering why someone so terrible would come along when everything was going so well for me. I'm baffled as to how I could attract someone like this when I was confident, strong and full of life and adventure behind me.

 

It also caused all of these feelings of wanting deep connection to resurface. They were always there, but after years of being single and not even having touched a man, I began dating again and it made me realize even more than before how much I really want a man in my life.

[Spring23]

I'm 28. I know it might sound silly because I'm quite young, but you know, being alone means you have plenty of time to work on yourself and live the life you want, so that's what I've been doing for most of my twenties. It's wonderful don't get me wrong! I'm very proud of my accomplishments, but the lingering feeling of wanting that deep connection has remained throughout. It's been there since I was about 15 years old actually.

 

I was ready for sex around that time too, but after waiting and waiting and still not meeting someone I had a deep connection with, I just picked a cute guy from school and got it over with (I was tired of being a virgin). I was 19 at the time. Same thing happening now I guess. I'm tired of not having a long-term committed relationship and I'm getting tired of waiting for the right person to come along for that to happen. Much like my virginity, I'm getting to the point where I'm thinking of just settling down because I'm sad of waiting.

 

28 is young.

 

You have about a year to play with but by 30 your dating pool will shrink. You'll see everyone around you getting engaged and you'll feel you missed the boat.

 

28 is a good age to ponder your life.

 

IMHO find a good person who you're attracted to and forget fireworks. Some ppl will disagree but I think it's solid advice.

[Hopeful30]

28 is young.

 

You have about a year to play with but by 30 your dating pool will shrink. You'll see everyone around you getting engaged and you'll feel you missed the boat.

 

28 is a good age to ponder your life.

 

IMHO find a good person who you're attracted to and forget fireworks. Some ppl will disagree but I think it's solid advice.

 

Thank you I suppose these thoughts came at just the right time. To be honest though, throughout my twenties the biggest problem with finding a man was that they either already had kids, were divorced or had serious personality faults (narcissism, addictions, etc). I don't think my dating pool will shrink all that much lol it wasn't that large to begin with

[Imajerk17]

This is true, but I guess what dove me back into this type of thinking is that I was single for over two years. I had just come back from travels and wasn't looking for anyone. Everything was perfect.

 

Then my recent ex boyfriend came along and ruined everything! Okay, maybe I'm being a bit dramatic, but everything was fine. Then he came along, drama, problems, he became abusive, and now I find myself wondering why someone so terrible would come along when everything was going so well for me. I'm baffled as to how I could attract someone like this when I was confident, strong and full of life and adventure behind me.

 

It also caused all of these feelings of wanting deep connection to resurface. They were always there, but after years of being single and not even having touched a man, I began dating again and it made me realize even more than before how much I really want a man in my life.

 

I'm confused by this phrase, actually. I mean, from how you describe yourself, I'm sure you *attract* many men, probably many good men too. The question you should be asking yourself is why *you decided to let someone like this in*.

 

I'm not trying to nitpick here. I see many women using that phrase and I really think they'd be better off if they just stopped using it and instead took more responsibility for whom they ended up picking to be with. HOW are you putting yourself out there to meet someone? Are you just waiting for your ex or someone else to call you and then you go off with them?

[Hopeful30]

I'm confused by this phrase, actually. I mean, from how you describe yourself, I'm sure you *attract* many men, probably many good men too. The question you should be asking yourself is why *you decided to let someone like this in*.

 

I'm not trying to nitpick here. I see many women using that phrase and I really think they'd be better off if they just stopped using it and instead took more responsibility for whom they ended up picking to be with. HOW are you putting yourself out there to meet someone? Are you just waiting for your ex or someone else to call you and then you go off with them?

 

Good point. I guess I'll confess that I was attracted to him too. That was short lived of course when I learned how problematic a partner he was. I must also admit that prior to that, men insinuated that they just wanted sex, or things were very very sexual to begin with, and I knew right away they were more interested in a physical relationship rather than anything else.

 

This was the first guy in a while who actually took care of me (in the beginning anyways) and he was attractive, so I went for it! But if I knew then what I know now, I would have never bothered. There was one other guy around the same time. We went on a few dates, and he is wonderful, but zero attraction. It actually grossed me out to think about kissing him, so I decided to go for this one instead.

 

Every now and then I go out on the city by myself, drink a glass of wine, or see a movie alone. Sometimes I go out with girlfriends but I know that can be intimidating or men feel like they might be 'interrupting' if they approach when you're with girls, so I spend some nights alone on the town. For some reason men get the idea that I'm looking for sex, so that hasn't been working out too much for me. Might I add that I barely ever show skin. I don't like that kind of attention. Jeans boots and a sweater in cold months. Long dress and no cleavage in warmer months (I have small boobs anyway).

Edited April 28, 2017 by Hopeful30