Is it unreasonable to settle for settling instead of waiting to fall in love?

[kendahke]

Doesn't it make sense to be with a great partner and have a good relationship instead of hoping that one day you will find 'the' relationship? If we always think the grass is greener on the other side, then we might spend our entire lives going from lawn to lawn..

 

Only if you can be happy with that person and love them and be content with them for the long haul.

 

If there is any shred of doubt that you cannot do this, do not settle. It is patently unfair to them for you to do this to them.

[kendahke]

Then my recent ex boyfriend came along and ruined everything! Okay, maybe I'm being a bit dramatic, but everything was fine. Then he came along, drama, problems, he became abusive, and now I find myself wondering why someone so terrible would come along when everything was going so well for me. I'm baffled as to how I could attract someone like this when I was confident, strong and full of life and adventure behind me.

 

This isn't so much a case of attracting as it is a case of you allowing this person back into your life. We can attract whomever, but it is always up to us to stand sentry at the gate of access. It is always up to us whom we allow to pass through. They can't come in without our express permission. If you gave this guy permission to step through the gate, you need to examine why you thought it was good policy to give a proven disappointment a second chance to disappoint.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Most people settle. Most people pick someone that is nice, likes them and seems like a decent person. If you look around at couples close to you, most never had those butterflies (on either side).

 

I wish I was wired to be capable of that but I'm not. I have had relationships over the years that had one or the other aspect missing. I'm nearly 10 years older than you. Truthfully? I was always happier with crazy chemistry flings than in companionship based longer relationships. I want both. I decided early on that I will take a gamble and be prepared to remain single for the rest of my life if I don't find it. But I also never wanted children, I'm a loner type and I don't feel the urge to have "someone in my corner". I have plenty of people in my corner in non romantic ways. I don't long for companionship and in fact, years spent in "grey" relationships are more of a waste of time to me. They make me feel more dead than being single ever did.

 

The only way I could see myself giving someone a chance that I don't feel butterflies with is if I was exposed to them on regular basis at work or similar in a platonic way. And when getting to know them naturally, I one day realised I fell for them. That would work. But to start a romantic relationship without the butterflies? No way. Tried many times. Made me miserable.

 

You are not me though and you seem pretty unhappy with single life. Even if you think you have low number of options now, the pool will shrink even further. You have better settling choices now than you will have in 5 years. If you are going to do it, now is the time.

[kendahke]

And again, no one to share it with. It seems that this deep love connection is all that's missing. I don't need a man, and I've been doing all this travelling and discovery and mountain climbing and diving all on my own, and it's been wonderful. But there comes a time when you want to have these experiences with someone else. I have healed and grown and travelled and done all the wonderful things most people want to do for a fulfilling life. Those portions of adventure and self-love and learning have been explored and lived and experienced. Love is one of the things still on the list that I can't do on my own, and it's one of the things I really want to experience.

 

Having these experiences with a person who is the wrong fit is far more debilitating than having these experiences on our own.

 

The one thing I've come to learn is that you must trust the process no matter how long it seems to be taking. It's when we stop trusting the process that we decide to settle for the wrong fitting person and that becomes a protracted detour that didn't need to be taken had we just kept the faith and trusted the process.

[Hopeful30]

This isn't so much a case of attracting as it is a case of you allowing this person back into your life. We can attract whomever, but it is always up to us to stand sentry at the gate of access. It is always up to us whom we allow to pass through. They can't come in without our express permission. If you gave this guy permission to step through the gate, you need to examine why you thought it was good policy to give a proven disappointment a second chance to disappoint.

 

There are many ways of looking at this look. When you feel comfortable around a person and you don't have any bad gut feelings, you give it a shot. Even if things don't seem perfect right away, you still give it a shot to find out where it can go.

 

It's only later down the road when you get a glimpse of who this person is and whether or not you want to stick around in the relationship. In many cases, including mine, you come to a point when you realize that no, this isn't going to work or you're not the person for me.

 

There is no one to blame here. I gave it a shot, and it ended up being a mistake. That's all. Plus I believe in second chances, but that's personal choice.

[Silverstring]

OP I think you would do well to search your own values and what you're genuinely looking for in a relationship. But, as a general rule, when people chase feelings (ex. excitement, chemistry, lust, etc.), they struggle in life.

 

When people live fully by their core values (regardless of how they feel at times), they succeed. In all areas of life.

 

So figure out what you're looking for in a relationship, what kind of partner YOU want to be, and then search for someone compatible.

[kendahke]

There are many ways of looking at this look. When you feel comfortable around a person and you don't have any bad gut feelings, you give it a shot. Even if things don't seem perfect right away, you still give it a shot to find out where it can go.

 

and that is called allowing it to happen.

 

It's only later down the road when you get a glimpse of who this person is and whether or not you want to stick around in the relationship. In many cases, including mine, you come to a point when you realize that no, this isn't going to work or you're not the person for me.

 

and that happens after you've allowed yourself to indulge.

 

There is no one to blame here. I gave it a shot, and it ended up being a mistake. That's all. Plus I believe in second chances, but that's personal choice.

 

Second chances are fine as long as the person in question has worked on themselves and resolved their issues permanently. In the absence of proof that that has taken place, there is a reason why that person is an ex and that reason still exists.

 

and there is a difference between blame and taking responsibility for what we allow ourselves to get into, despite already knowing someone's potential from our first go-round with them.

Edited April 28, 2017 by kendahke

[No_Go]

I never understood what people refer to as settling. If I'm with someone that I enjoy and we're reaching our personal goals together - how is this settling?

 

I think it is settling to run after the stars because you're too scared to realize: people come with flaws, and 'fireworks' are usually manufactured by specific set of conditions (hormonal height, circumstantial elevated emotions, and mainly: fantasy). Then you 'settle' being permanently single, usually unhappy - and showing it by bashing people for their 'mediocre relationships in which they settled'

[Leigh 87]

Most people settle. Most people pick someone that is nice, likes them and seems like a decent person. If you look around at couples close to you, most never had those butterflies (on either side).

 

I wish I was wired to be capable of that but I'm not. I have had relationships over the years that had one or the other aspect missing. I'm nearly 10 years older than you. Truthfully? I was always happier with crazy chemistry flings than in companionship based longer relationships. I want both. I decided early on that I will take a gamble and be prepared to remain single for the rest of my life if I don't find it. But I also never wanted children, I'm a loner type and I don't feel the urge to have "someone in my corner". I have plenty of people in my corner in non romantic ways. I don't long for companionship and in fact, years spent in "grey" relationships are more of a waste of time to me. They make me feel more dead than being single ever did.

 

The only way I could see myself giving someone a chance that I don't feel butterflies with is if I was exposed to them on regular basis at work or similar in a platonic way. And when getting to know them naturally, I one day realised I fell for them. That would work. But to start a romantic relationship without the butterflies? No way. Tried many times. Made me miserable.

 

You are not me though and you seem pretty unhappy with single life. Even if you think you have low number of options now, the pool will shrink even further. You have better settling choices now than you will have in 5 years. If you are going to do it, now is the time.[/quote

 

 

 

 

I am exactly like you.

 

 

 

It is why my bf and I chose to work on absolutely awful issues that no normal person would bother trying to overcome; we knew that this WAS our ONLY CHANCE to "have it all" in regards to both crazy chemistry and a best friend who has a stable job and the pre requisites.

 

We are so unbelievably happy now that we spent months over coming our personal issues that were ruining the relationship.

 

I cannot put into words how remarkable it feels to have both the chemistry and excitement factor with someone who also makes you laugh and is your best friend.

 

I am so thankful everyday with him.

 

But short lived and passionate flings were stull a blast and sure beat being in a relationship without any sizzle.

[Leigh 87]

I never understood what people refer to as settling. If I'm with someone that I enjoy and we're reaching our personal goals together - how is this settling?

 

I think it is settling to run after the stars because you're too scared to realize: people come with flaws, and 'fireworks' are usually manufactured by specific set of conditions (hormonal height, circumstantial elevated emotions, and mainly: fantasy). Then you 'settle' being permanently single, usually unhappy - and showing it by bashing people for their 'mediocre relationships in which they settled'

 

Except people like me and eternal sunshine are actually happier single with fireworks in flings than we are coupled up permanently with someone we are not head over heels for.

 

There are outliers like us.

 

Being single is not always settling. My bf and I vrew to live it for extended periods of time and never once had urges to couple up SANS passion.

[Corsican1]

Having these experiences with a person who is the wrong fit is far more debilitating than having these experiences on our own.

 

The one thing I've come to learn is that you must trust the process no matter how long it seems to be taking. It's when we stop trusting the process that we decide to settle for the wrong fitting person and that becomes a protracted detour that didn't need to be taken had we just kept the faith and trusted the process.

 

...... <protracted detour> Gotta love it !!!

 

because I just lived it !!! there's no forever in people... they enter your life (usually unexpected) and stick around for a reason or a season (as the old adage goes) and then they wake up one day and POOF ... they're gone....

 

You just can't rely on anyone but yourself ...

 

So OP ... be prepared for your upcoming roller-coaster ride and be aware that all good things will and do come to an end .... (buddhism 101)

 

this spoken by someone who has been overlapped more than once ...

 

I still seek my drug of choice .... LOVE !!!!!!!!

I may as well admit it ... I'm addicted to LOVE !!!!!!!!!

[Corsican1]

I never understood what people refer to as settling. If I'm with someone that I enjoy and we're reaching our personal goals together - how is this settling?

 

I think it is settling to run after the stars because you're too scared to realize: people come with flaws, and 'fireworks' are usually manufactured by specific set of conditions (hormonal height, circumstantial elevated emotions, and mainly: fantasy). Then you 'settle' being permanently single, usually unhappy - and showing it by bashing people for their 'mediocre relationships in which they settled'

 

I gotta say !!! Very well said !!!

Bravo ... Credit where credit is due...

These words resonate HUGELY !!!

[Silverstring]

Except people like me and eternal sunshine are actually happier single with fireworks in flings than we are coupled up permanently with someone we are not head over heels for.

 

There are outliers like us.

 

Being single is not always settling. My bf and I vrew to live it for extended periods of time and never once had urges to couple up SANS passion.

 

People that are happy being single don't post on LoveShack about their bad luck in love. They're just spending time being happy being single.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have been "bashed" and "pitied" for my choices for many years. I have been treated like I'm somehow defective, mostly by women in those "mediocre relationships" for not being married or thinking that I must be crazy/desparate/jelaous (including many on this forum). That's somehow acceptable but me giving an opinion on their relationship is not? If you want me to keep my opinions to myself, keep your judgements to yourself first.

 

As for being happy and single - I have always said very clearly: I would be happier if I was in a relationship that had sparks and genuine connection on all levels. That's my ultimate desire. I have been waiting for many years and I get down and complain about being "unlucky in love" because I haven't found it.

 

I'm happier being single than in a "slow burn" and companionship based relationship. I'm happier being single than in a relationship with sparks but where a man treats me badly. Many women opt for one of these two. I don't: my life, my right, my choice.

 

I don't see how I have contradicted myself in any way.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have an example of 2 friends that I have known for 10+ years.

 

We were all single at the same time and roughly the same age. One night we went to a night club and friend A met her now husband. The night she met him, the strong attraction between them was obvious. When they had their first date, she was on walking on air. Her eyes lit up every time she mentioned his name. There was this excitement that was palpable. As they kept dating she discovered that they had a lot in common. He was also one of the kindest man I know. They had fights and challenges and he is by no means flawless. He is not hot or rich. But they were in crazy in love and their connection was genuine. They married 2 years later and have 2 children now. That's what I call "not settling". That's also what I call "luck in love". They happened to be in the same night club at the same time. They were both single and available. They were mutually interested in each other.

 

Friend B met her current husband few years later, also in a night club. When they had their first date, she described him as nice. There was no light or palpable excitement when she talked about him. He was actually physically hotter than the friend A's husband (had a 6 pack and was 6+ feet tall). This continued and she never was that excited. I have seen her super excited about guys she dated in the past. She always knew she wanted marriage and children. She broke up with him twice and dated other guys (and he dated others too). Again, she never could get who she truly wanted. After 7+ years, he proposed. I have seen her eyes light up when she planned the tiniest details of her wedding. I do believe that in time she grew to feel some sort of love and attachment for him. Classic case of "settling". We openly talk about this and she openly admits it. I believe that she is happier with him than when single but both of us often say things like "why could we never have what friend A has?". There is no competition or jelaousy. Unlike people on here, we both respect each other's choices.

 

A large part of love IS simply luck or fate.

[Woggle]

Nobody should settle for somebody they aren't in love with but maybe get out of that mindset where you separate men into lover material and husband material. It is quite possible to have both and nothing in life is ever a 24/7 high no matter how in love you are.

[guest569]

It depends what type of relationship and life you want. For me, I either want to be with the person, or I don't. So settling isn't really a thing. Maybe oversimplified but that is how I see it.

[Cookiesandough]

That's the thing, "settling" always has negative connotation because it implies you didn't have much of a choice, there was something else you wanted instead etc. A person who is with someone who makes them happy/in love never settles.

 

 

Compromise, but NEVER settle.

[Spring23]

I have been "bashed" and "pitied" for my choices for many years. I have been treated like I'm somehow defective, mostly by women in those "mediocre relationships" for not being married or thinking that I must be crazy/desparate/jelaous (including many on this forum). That's somehow acceptable but me giving an opinion on their relationship is not? If you want me to keep my opinions to myself, keep your judgements to yourself first.

 

As for being happy and single - I have always said very clearly: I would be happier if I was in a relationship that had sparks and genuine connection on all levels. That's my ultimate desire. I have been waiting for many years and I get down and complain about being "unlucky in love" because I haven't found it.

 

I'm happier being single than in a "slow burn" and companionship based relationship. I'm happier being single than in a relationship with sparks but where a man treats me badly. Many women opt for one of these two. I don't: my life, my right, my choice.

 

I don't see how I have contradicted myself in any way.

 

I have a girl friend who feels like you. She has a nice life and a great job. She'd like to have a boyfriend and she does get lonely at times. But if she isn't head-over-heels she figures why bother.

[No_Go]

If this is referring to my post - I want to make it clear I have no problem with people that choose being single. I was one of them for many years (I deliberately never even went on a date until age of 27). I have been very happy single, I'm an introvert myself and excessive interaction for me is often too much.

 

I just don't accept the concept of 'settling'. If I'm choosing a mate that works for me for whatever reason, that's not settling. I'm choosing him because it fits what I want/need at the time.

 

I personally hate the initial part of dating, especially if coupled with too much 'sparks' because it distracts me too much from my ongoing projects&plans. So haha, for me the 'firework' guy maybe considered settling (i.e. going for something that I don't want/need).

 

Btw 'fireworks' are sooo easy to get, that I don't know if I believe in the concept. Most men that I know get 'fireworks' if they meet a woman having their preferred physical type & acting approachable. The first is nature (although certain appearances can be mimicked with right styling), the second - is trainable skill. Most women get fireworks from a guy that acts very attracted to them without being clingy. That's a skill that can be mastered too. Both sexes experience 'fireworks' when put in an adrenalin-inducing situation (that's why people often feel 'sparks' on a trip to an exciting place - the adrenalin from the situation provokes the reaction). It is mainly hormones, not magic.

 

 

I have been "bashed" and "pitied" for my choices for many years. I have been treated like I'm somehow defective, mostly by women in those "mediocre relationships" for not being married or thinking that I must be crazy/desparate/jelaous (including many on this forum). That's somehow acceptable but me giving an opinion on their relationship is not? If you want me to keep my opinions to myself, keep your judgements to yourself first.

 

As for being happy and single - I have always said very clearly: I would be happier if I was in a relationship that had sparks and genuine connection on all levels. That's my ultimate desire. I have been waiting for many years and I get down and complain about being "unlucky in love" because I haven't found it.

 

I'm happier being single than in a "slow burn" and companionship based relationship. I'm happier being single than in a relationship with sparks but where a man treats me badly. Many women opt for one of these two. I don't: my life, my right, my choice.

 

I don't see how I have contradicted myself in any way.

[preraph]

Yeah, we all either have to give up the fairytale if we want to have a family or keep chasing it if nothing else will do and learn to be mostly by ourselves, which there's nothing wrong with that either. I never wanted domesticity enough to settle for someone comfortable and then have then underfoot because I like my space, but for someone who hates their space and wants a companion, they will find someone and work at it to have someone around. That's how my best friend is. I wouldn't give two cents for her unattractive jerk of a husband, but she never liked to live alone so she puts up with a lot. Fact is, she could do much better and so can you, so don't just grab whatever comes along first. Find someone that meets most of your wants in a man, and concentrate on finding one who wants to participate and will communicate, and isn't trying to just find a woman to have sex with to put on standby who will otherwise leave him alone while she does all the housework and takes care of kids.

 

So that's my advice -- find someone who wants to participate fully with you and with your future family. Find a PARTNER. They're out there. Good luck!

[Leigh 87]

People that are happy being single don't post on LoveShack about their bad luck in love. They're just spending time being happy being single.

 

 

 

I personally too happy in my relationship to make threads about it; when we had issues, that is when I wrote on here, because to write about ones relationships is indicative of dramas.

 

But I post on here because I am generous with my time and enjoy helping people. To not make the same mistakes I did, even helping 1 in 50 women leave a guy who is just not that into them makes me happy and makes my day.

 

Not all people in happy relationships suddenly leave love shack; we do sometimes feel so thankful for our own amazing relationships that we would like to give back to people who have not found great relationships yet themselves, and who are seeking them and suffering in the process.

[Leigh 87]

I have been "bashed" and "pitied" for my choices for many years. I have been treated like I'm somehow defective, mostly by women in those "mediocre relationships" for not being married or thinking that I must be crazy/desparate/jelaous (including many on this forum). That's somehow acceptable but me giving an opinion on their relationship is not? If you want me to keep my opinions to myself, keep your judgements to yourself first.

 

As for being happy and single - I have always said very clearly: I would be happier if I was in a relationship that had sparks and genuine connection on all levels. That's my ultimate desire. I have been waiting for many years and I get down and complain about being "unlucky in love" because I haven't found it.

 

I'm happier being single than in a "slow burn" and companionship based relationship. I'm happier being single than in a relationship with sparks but where a man treats me badly. Many women opt for one of these two. I don't: my life, my right, my choice.

 

I don't see how I have contradicted myself in any way.

 

 

 

I wish I had a girlfriend that was similar to yourself around my neck of the woods.

 

I cannot even talk about it to my bf (men are not into chatting about relationship psychology just as I would not wish to chat about v8 turbo engines all day).

 

I often have strong opinions about my own personal surroundings; my friend who has a boyfriend who she feels the special feels for yet who cheats on her, calls her a "7/10":sick: (by the way she is model material and STUNNING). Or the girl couples who get together age 18 and have yet to experience anything other than their partners.

 

There is a guy I did appreciate; he would not settle for less than fireworks and I admired his relationship ethics. He was happy to enjoy his own life and involve himself in his children's lifes, surf and maintain a good degree of career development - so that he did not need to seriously "date" anyone! He met a "wow" girl, she was awful so he left her. Has not dated seriously since and is happy having casual fun until miss fire works comes along again.

 

He is far happier than any of the desperate and looking females, who are quite literally running out of time to have kids (when it is their life's goal).

 

I love talking about the rare passion based relationships

 

For the time being - I currently have 2 girls I chat to about relationship stuff. One agrees with us and adopts out outlook. Yet even still - she is so young and after 4 years together the sparks are companion based now - it took her aback but she does know that her predicament is what EVERY couple arrives at, some day - except for the 5% that studies indicate maintain a lovers high. That is genetic and not every person can remain in the honeymoon phase irrespective of WHO they are with.

 

I urge this woman to stay with him - since she DOES need a family, mortgage and the white picket fence. She is massively family orientated and I just stress to her that MOST PEOPLE bypass her strong honeymoon phase and end up where she is right now. The difference is she got the magical first 3 years.

 

Me on the other hand... I think I am wired to remain " in love".

 

I wonder if my partner is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Eternal Sunshine - would you be cool with remaining in a relationship, that started with intense passion, alongside perfect compatibility - if the spark died down for you 4 or 5 years later?

 

Would you stay, providing the sex was still "great", and the compatibility was still sound? The only variable would be the spark had shifted.

 

Just curious.

[Leigh 87]

Yeah, we all either have to give up the fairytale if we want to have a family or keep chasing it if nothing else will do and learn to be mostly by ourselves, which there's nothing wrong with that either. I never wanted domesticity enough to settle for someone comfortable and then have then underfoot because I like my space, but for someone who hates their space and wants a companion, they will find someone and work at it to have someone around. That's how my best friend is. I wouldn't give two cents for her unattractive jerk of a husband, but she never liked to live alone so she puts up with a lot. Fact is, she could do much better and so can you, so don't just grab whatever comes along first. Find someone that meets most of your wants in a man, and concentrate on finding one who wants to participate and will communicate, and isn't trying to just find a woman to have sex with to put on standby who will otherwise leave him alone while she does all the housework and takes care of kids.

 

So that's my advice -- find someone who wants to participate fully with you and with your future family. Find a PARTNER. They're out there. Good luck!

 

 

Yep and your 20s is the time to do it. I personally had so many options of very decent men who I am not mates with and who would have allowed for me to have a financially VERY stable life. They were funny! I loved hanging around them and they made me laugh, would have made attentive lovers and been good fathers (some now are).

 

I am not hugely attractive (only body hot with a butter face) yet had such amazing options to settle down with loyal men who have never cheated.

 

If ANY women on here NEEDS the children, mortgage and family life - DO IT NOW. DO NOT WAIT.

 

Well, if you are interested in botox and looking amazing for your age and also have a amiable personality - so NO fine lines in your 30s, girls - then SURE - you MAY find a decent, stable guy that you are not repulsed by in your 30s and beyond!

 

I am just being honest.

[Spring23]

Yep and your 20s is the time to do it. I personally had so many options of very decent men who I am not mates with and who would have allowed for me to have a financially VERY stable life. They were funny! I loved hanging around them and they made me laugh, would have made attentive lovers and been good fathers (some now are).

 

I am not hugely attractive (only body hot with a butter face) yet had such amazing options to settle down with loyal men who have never cheated.

 

If ANY women on here NEEDS the children, mortgage and family life - DO IT NOW. DO NOT WAIT.

 

Well, if you are interested in botox and looking amazing for your age and also have a amiable personality - so NO fine lines in your 30s, girls - then SURE - you MAY find a decent, stable guy that you are not repulsed by in your 30s and beyond!

 

I am just being honest.

 

Leigh, you look very cute. Don't put yourself down.

 

And I agree, if you do want stability get the ring before your 30th birthday. You'll accomplish your goals and have a better chance at happiness.