Is it unreasonable to settle for settling instead of waiting to fall in love?

[JuneJulySeptember]

That's why I haven't settled yet, but as you get older, you know, you start to look at things a bit differently. What if I meet this guy when I'm 50 or 60? I don't want to have spent my entire life alone only to meet the right person when a large portion of it is over.

 

It's like my exes. I always knew they weren't the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but we still made good memories and we had fun. I wasn't alone during those times, even though I was settling at the time.

 

I'm not 20 anymore though, and if I do dedicate my time to someone, I want it to be with someone I can build a life with. If I meet the right man at 60, will it be wrong to still have spent 30 years will someone else?

 

It's like divorced couples who don't meet the right person until many years later. They still had a marriage and possibly kids, so those years weren't entirely empty even though they weren't with the right person.

 

 

It's a tough question and a tough answer.

 

Most of life is in fact, figuring out which way you want to go, IMO.

 

I would actually make an analogy to careers with this. Most people don't love their jobs. I mean, it's easy for Jon Bon Jovi and Tony Romo, but I would say that around 80-90% of people definitely feel like they could be doing something that they enjoy more or is more fulfilling, and more than half of people don't like their jobs at all.

 

So, do you keep looking until you find a job where you're overjoyed to go into on Mondays or do you just 'settle'? Well, I don't have to tell you what most people's answer would be here.

 

It's the same thing with marriage. It's your choice. My boss tells me how wretched his wife is and how they hate each other and how they stay together for the kids. I'm serious. I'm not exaggerating at all. Again, that's his choice...

 

Your life is your choice.

 

It's impossible for anybody on this forum to predict how your life is going to turn out based on the decisions you make. Of this, I am 100% sure.

Edited May 1, 2017 by JuneJulySeptember

[Arieswoman]

Hopeful30 #14

 

That's why I haven't settled yet, but as you get older, you know, you start to look at things a bit differently. What if I meet this guy when I'm 50 or 60? I don't want to have spent my entire life alone only to meet the right person when a large portion of it is over.

 

More people get married at 50+ than you might think

 

I know of two guys who did just that. Both were single. One married a widow and the other married a divorcee.

 

And I know of even more women who got married "later in life", some for the first time.

 

Not everyone get married in their twenties, has 2.5 kids and then stays with that person for the rest of their lives. Sadly death or divorce can intervene.

 

The dating pool is smaller later in life but it hasn't dried up altogether !

 

(And, no, I don't think you should "settle" )

[Mysterio]

Here is the life I envision for myself with a woman that I will settle down with.

 

We are close in Age. So both born in the 60/70/80's. if possible. So for me thats 67 to 84 something like that.

 

We get together and have interesting conversations and laughs mixed with physical affection. We both work and are well dressed and groomed for each other. Respect our spiritual comenality or diversity. We work out together and give each other space.

 

AT age 46. I am on the fence about kids. I don't want any if she and I are not taking each other serisuly in a loving way. So its Kids in Wedlock only.

 

She has to be single/widowed/divorced. If she is separated. A Divorce has to eminent in a year of us being together. No living together or bio kids with each other, unless she is divorced. No exceptions.

 

I have a cat and I am not giving him up as well.

 

I think for me. A romantic relationship will fall into my lap, by me doing nothing to make it happen as much. Just Prayers to the universe and not trying to fit every women I meet into my life when I am out socializing. Unless a woman is very charming and making conversation with me, by being playful and flirtatious and talking up a storm with me. I think that may be the only women I may ask out.

 

In my mind the only differnce between being single and coupled is that ultimate freedom is being single. Being coupled. I think that you have access to physical affection more and have someone always there for you ideally.

 

The style of relationship I envision for myself at age 46 is a woman that sees me and she makes more the moves on me. I am the one that is coy and wanting to take things slow, but she knows what she wants and charms me into being her Boyfriend.

[Mysterio]

Marrying at 20 something and having kids is not all that its cracked out to be. I know lots of people that got married young and got divorced with kids.

 

Its all about temperments. Some people just can't settle down. Some don't do well being single. At my age of 46. I would tell 20 somethings not to even think about having kids/marriage until at least age 28. If possible. that way you burn a lot of things out of your system. Like other romantic experiances. Travel and having a lot of fun.

 

When you have a mortgage to maintain. You can't really go back packing to Europe.

 

In a nutshell. 20's for having fun and being loose. 30's for settling down. 40 to end of life. Enjoy your one way ticket to life. Even I can't plan too far ahed.

 

My personal goals is to get out of Credit card debit and loose weight. Its a constant thing that needs to be achived by me. So thats 3 grand in CCard gone in 3 yrs or so or sooner. Weight from my current 213 lbs ast 5'9 to at least 170-180 lbs.

 

Having a GF. Thats a Universal devine thing. I don't have to be the driving force about it anymore.

[GunslingerRoland]

I don't think anyone should ever settle...

 

But I do think people should prioritize what is really important to them.

 

I see a lot of people say they want to date someone that makes them happy... to me you are responsible for your happiness and I know lots of people that I can have fun with, who would not be good dating partners for me.

 

I'd rather focus on someone who brings out the best in me.

 

And while everyone has their preferences, I think checklist dating is a major problem a lot of people have.

[Mysterio]

All my friends that are happy with their spouse more than they were alone. Thats what I see.

 

My friend MK was in the dumps when he met his wife. His wife to me is more happier being his wife than when she was his GF.

 

I think deep down inside. We all think that having a mate will increase our happiness. Yes and No. For the short term yes. Its a buss with the Romance and Sex. In the long term. It has to be maintained. The buzz may not be on speed dial.

 

As I keep saying. I think a lot of us are going to have to relax on the mating thing. I guess its hard for women, since most of them have have that drive to have bio kids.

 

Its also unrealsitic to expect that every encounter with the opposite sex needs to end in romance. Most of us are very fickle. To me. Unless a woman is very playful and flirtatious with me. Its hard for me to feel anything but a little lust for that woman.

 

I don't care how great looking she is. If there is no personal connection. I don't feel it.

[Silverstring]

I do think the term "settling" is a misnomer. For some people it means marrying a good partner, even if you're not that attracted to them. For others it means marrying someone you're really attracted to, even if they're not a great partner. And both those I think could validly be considered settling.

 

The mistake people make is if they have a "unicorn" expectation for a partner or relationship and then settling for them is considered anything less than the unrealistic expectation they have in their head.

 

The other mistake is when people are chasing a feeling rather than realistic value based qualities in a partner or relationship. So for example, instead of wanting a relationship based on trust, honesty, openness, etc. and trying to find a partner with those qualities, they are waiting to meet someone that excited them so they FEEL like having a relationship with them. Chasing feelings never works long term..

Edited May 2, 2017 by Silverstring

[Mysterio]

I was waling in the park with my friend JC. She is an attractive woman. I felt like I wanted to hold hands and kiss her. Yet when I look at her personality. I don't see her as the doting Girl next door type. So if I were to pursue her romantically.

 

I know it won't be what I envision in the long run. So it better for me to find or let the universe drop into my lap. A woman who is more of that has that warm sweet nature from the get go. So I try to think tank my feelings and wait to see what is real and what is artificial due to what is going on at the moment.

[Ieris]

I think there's really just 3 options:

 

1 | Finding your dream man/woman

 

2 | Settling for an OK man/woman

 

3 | Staying single

 

It is fantastic if you can find number 1, but if you don't then it's going to be either 2 or 3. Those who don't want to be alone will go for 2 and those who don't want to compromise/settle will go for 3. There's nothing wrong with either options, just do what suits you best.

 

However, I do find lots of people hovering around 2 and 3, having one foot out the door relationships. Where they don't want to be alone but they don't want to commit either...

[GoodOnPaper]

But I do think people should prioritize what is really important to them.

 

Definitely agree and I would add that every person should dig deep on this and not just automatically go with the priorities that someone of their type is "supposed" to have. I definitely short-changed myself in that regard.

[Mysterio]

This Dream Man/Woman thing has got to stop. How can anyone live up to that. I am not perfect and I don't want to be. No GF have had the perfect track record for me. All my friends are different. I celebrate what they bring to me. Not what they don't.

 

For me. All I think that is reasonable is this. A woman close to my age. She is Warm/Sweet/Sharp and Adorable in how I feel towards her and vice versa. We both enjoy each others company, romantically and basically. We spend time together and grow our relationship.

 

We don't have to be perfect all the time. Every conversation does not have to be sparks flying. Sometimes, being chill and comfortable is even more better than having a high octane relationship.

[Chilli]

Not at all unreasonable.

 

 

I hit jackpot and scored big on both fronts but yes most women do tend to have to pick one or the other ( stability with a decent partner or fireworks and sparks. Never both)

 

 

It wouldn't have been acceptable for me to have to pick one one or the other. And it isn't acceptedable for most people to have to wait around years alone in the hope of finding it all.

 

Don't worry , think most guys have to pick one or the other too , near impossible to find the both , especially if you want some high attraction thrown into that too.

[Chilli]

Not as important as you get older l'd think.

 

Although sometimes too , the less brighter flame burns longest right, like my brother and he's wife. The true odd couple yet they're the only ones still married.

Edited May 5, 2017 by Chilli

[OatsAndHall]

In my opinion, people that are looking for a significant other need to be a little bit more pragmatic when they are dating. You meet someone, you're attracted to them physically and emotionally and you move on from there. That initial biological "spark" isn't going to last forever and people need to start seeing the forest for the trees.

 

A close friend of mine has continually told me that he thinks I am settling with the women that I am dating. But, this is because he married a beautiful woman, has two kids and has built a strong business with her. However, it only looks good on paper. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop as they are continually bickering over some stupid crap. I think it's only a matter of time before she kicks his a-- to the curb because of their squabbling.

[ZA Dater]

Its never settling if you actually want the person find them attractive BUT it is settling if you have to tell yourself you love them and find them attractive.

 

 

Ultimately many of us were to an extent brainwashed with romantic movies, where everything appears perfect and we end up seeking that same thing which for most of us simply isn't attainable.

 

 

However, you should go for what you want, try find most of what you want but when do you stop and realise the incremental improvements from person to person aren't there anymore?

[Chilli]

Well,gotta admit, l'm a bit scared for my future in those ways now.

Thing is,have split with gf , thing is , on the good side we not only had all these amazing things and such it was all just a gift to find them again now especially after a divorce,but we also had this insane attraction, same l mean just what a gift. To have all that again.

But , it all had it's price l guess and there were other big problems and it hasn't worked out.

 

Thing is , after my divorce ,l saw plenty of what's out there and believe me , l was worried.

But then l got so lucky and met her, couldn't believe how lucky and what we had.

But here l am again now and back to worried , and l know to someone else we won't have those problems, but there'll be a price tp pay somewhere else , like maybe attraction,or things in common , or who knows what.

.