Mixed signals and a very complicated relationship

[josieieie]

About a year ago I met a man at the gym (I'm a female, 25, he's a male, 27), and we instantly had amazing chemistry. I thought that we were on the right track, but then he casually mentioned that he had a girlfriend. I backed up, but we remained friends. However , the chemisty stayed. We slowly got to know each other very well, and we spent a lot of time together (and sometimes our meetings felt like dates, we had romantic dinners, and such). We also flirt nonstop on snapchat. Sometimes we totally stepped out of the line of friendship (but we've never had sex).

 

I thought that maybe they were not together anymore with his girlfriend, but as it turned out, they were, and they still are. A couple of times I met her, and they seemed cold with each other, and they didn't even touched each other (especially not like he touches me sometimes).

 

Now, I have no idea, where we are. What we are doing is not right, but I can't stop doing it. When I try to ask him about the nature of our relationship, he never answers. Am I just a plan B for him, or is it something else? What does he want from me? Are we really just friends and I totally misread him? What does his behaviour mean?

[NTV]

He likes having sex with you but not enough to leave his girlfriend.

[hippychick3]

I would be completely turned off by the fact he is behaving like a single guy while in a relationship. If he's doing this behind her back, he'll do it behind the next girl's back. Why would you want that?

[somanymistakes]

He's lining you up as a prospect in case he needs one later.

[basil67]

He's having an emotional affair with you.

 

Don't judge their relationship too quickly. Couples who have been together for a long period of time generally don't need to be constantly touching each other when out. They don't even need to be at each other's sides when socialising. This different way of being doesn't mean the couple don't love each other - it's just that all the happy, heady hormones of infatuation have faded.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Also, some people don't like to be touchy feely in public but are very much so in private. It seems to me this is especially the case when a couple respects their relationship.

[aileD]

See this is where you have to look at things different.

 

There's no mixed signals here.

 

He's spoken for and let you know

He's continued to flirt and more

Youve allowed it, which tells him you're ok with being a girl on the side.

He's pushing now to secure you in that spot on the side

 

There's nothing mixed about it. You didn't slap him and walk away when he said he had a girlfriend so now he thinks you're fair game for side chick status so he's going for it.

 

Don't let him!!!! And let this be a lesson. Someone tells you they are spoken for, you remove yourself. Even if they persist. They aren't persisting because of chemistry. They're persisting because youre not listening to your morals and stopping them. Which means if you end up with him, then congrats. He just secured a new girl that he knows he can cheat on too.

 

And who cares about what he's like with his girlfriend. It's none of your business if they are cold to each other. They're still together and that means you'll just end up a mistress.

 

Say goodbye to him!!!! Don't let him treat you like you have no morals. You DO!!

Edited April 29, 2017 by aileD

[Overtaxed]

See this is where you have to look at things different.

 

There's no mixed signals here.

 

He's spoken for and let you know

He's continued to flirt and more

Youve allowed it, which tells him you're ok with being a girl on the side.

He's pushing now to secure you in that spot on the side

 

There's nothing mixed about it. You didn't slap him and walk away when he said he had a girlfriend so now he thinks you're fair game for side chick status so he's going for it.

 

Don't let him!!!! And let this be a lesson. Someone tells you they are spoken for, you remove yourself. Even if they persist. They aren't persisting because of chemistry. They're persisting because youre not listening to your morals and stopping them. Which means if you end up with him, then congrats. He just secured a new girl that he knows he can cheat on too.

 

And who cares about what he's like with his girlfriend. It's none of your business if they are cold to each other. They're still together and that means you'll just end up a mistress.

 

Say goodbye to him!!!! Don't let him treat you like you have no morals. You DO!!

 

Yeah, I don't see anything "complicated" here at all. Man in a relationship has someone on the side; you're not asking for much from him, and, although you haven't had sex yet, it's worth the effort to keep flirting in the hopes that your guard is down one day and he can have sex with you. Dating multiple people 101. Not the least bit hard to read except in your mind because you have different feelings about the relationship than he does.

 

By telling you he's in a committed relationship, he's trying to figure out if you're willing to be a side chick. And, from what you're showing him, you are, so he continues to try to groom you and advance the relationship to sex. If you get too demanding, he'll drop you like a bad habit, you're not having sex and he's putting the "work" in, so, become to much work, you'll be gone. If you do have sex, he'll be happy with what you have right now, a casual relationship where he can get some sex outside his primary relationship.

 

Pretty much completely standard playbook. I suggest you get off the field, this game is going to end badly for you unless you really do just want some NSA sex and you're OK doing it behind his GF's back. If that's not your goal, get out now.

[Rebelnoir]

Please, please walk away before you get any further involved. I wish I'd walked away before it became a full blown affair. I bet so many OW on here do too. This man is not worth it. Look at how he's treating his girlfriend...he is broken. He will treat you with as much disregard as he is her...he doesn't owe you anything so what's to stop him? Don't let him destroy you too. Take control and walk away.

 

The cold hard truth is that this man is not married and he doesn't have children. There is nothing stopping him from ending his relationship and being with you if that's what he wanted. He obviously doesn't.

 

The fact he won't talk to you about where you stand is telling. He has no concern for your feelings. He's happy to engage in the fun dating type stuff, but the hard stuff? That's reserved for the woman in his life, his girlfriend, NOT you.

 

If he feels the same way about you, the minute you walk he will do whatever he can to be with you, starting with ending his relationship. If he doesn't, it speaks volumes and saves you from the pain this man will cause.

 

Trust me, if you don't walk away you are about to embark on one of the most painful journeys of your life. One that you will regret for the hurt it causes not only you, but another woman who has done nothing to deserve this. I know it's hard to walk when you see so much potential for what could be, but it'll only get harder.

 

Think about what you want to achieve here? It doesn't sound like you want NSA sex. How are you going to get a relationship with a guy who won't even pretend he is going to leave?

[d0nnivain]

You stroke his ego & he'd probably be open to you stroking other things. He's a cad who behaves disrespectfully toward his GF by flirting with you. Since he introduced you to her, he is either really insensitive or he was trying to tell you to back off without using the words. He doesn't really want you to stop flirting with him because he enjoys the ego boost. It's flattering. This guy is using you to make himself feel better.

 

 

Q is: why are you letting him?

[Starswillshine]

"I can't stop it." - biggest lie anyone tells themselves. Yes you can, it is easy. Just don't do it.

[freengreen]

I understand its a mixed signal for you, its not unsual.. but his actual signal he is giving is ' i want to eat the cake'

[Spring23]

You stroke his ego & he'd probably be open to you stroking other things.

 

I think that sums up this relationship nicely.

[josieieie]

Thank you all for the helpful answers, they helped me a lot! Somewhere, deep inside I already knew these things, but I needed to hear it from other people. It's so hard to see clear, when I am the one involved. Unfortunately I can't cut him out totally from my life (now I work at that gym, so I can't just change gyms, and I can't make him change), but I will make it clear, that everything ends between us. It's just so damn hard, when i see him almost every day!

[Vivir]

Josie, it may help if you mention his girlfriend any time he asks you out or tries to touch you - anything that isn't above board. Keep reminding him, as he seems to keep forgetting, that he has a steady GF already...Ask him if she would like to join in on your dates or hanging out... Maybe he will become annoyed and leave you alone.

[red.velvet]

I was once in this exact situation OP. My friend and I never had sex, not even kiss.

He used to try, I would say no. He had a girlfriend.

 

The first time he tried to have sex with me I stopped talking to him. He chased me down, apologized, said he would respect the boundaries. He would lean in for kisses if we weee out drinking or whatever, but he never tried sex again.

 

8 months later, he broke up with his girlfriend. He said the relationship wasn't working. She didn't want to let him go. She chased him down. He started telling me that he was thinking about giving her another chance... that same night, he tried to have sex with me again. I Blocked him. I Deleted him. I Forgot him.

 

If nothing else, this guy has no respect for you. Forget about him because you deserve better, because you are respectable.

[aileD]

You know what will make it easier? Bruise his ego.

 

Say to his face "I thought you were a nice guy and when I found out aboutyour girlfriend it totally turned me off. Men who cheat disgust me and that's all you are"