MM trying to end A

[VicXC]

Really in need of support here..please avoid passing judgment but I need my story heard.....

In a nutshell, I am a married man who has been in an A for about 3 years now. She works for me, so I have to see her daily. About two years ago, she broke off her wedding while we were together. I've been married for 14 years with two kids. Happy life, successful, lots of toys.

OW is 10 years younger and has had my child. (Please avoid passing judgment), she is raising him on her own and I am providing financial support. Guilt is killing me but 3 days ago I had a panic attack and decided to end the A.

 

The OW does not want to end it, but I do. I will continue to help and make sure the kid is financially stable. I've been miserable the last 3 days. My wife is the best wife a man can ask for and an extremely good mother. The sex is great.

 

The A is extremely addicting and the sex is intoxicating. Why am I torn? Can you be in love with two at the same time? I don't want to upset the apple cart in my life and leave for the OW, she wants me to. I need some guidance and support, not criticism. I know, I am the worst and have called myself all sorts of names already. I just need to vent.....

[summerdowling87]

Does your wife know about the OW and OC-(Other woman/Other child)?

[VicXC]

Does your wife know about the OW and OC-(Other woman/Other child)?

 

No...

 

I know...I am a scumbag.

[mercy]

Guilt is killing me but 3 days ago I had a panic attack and decided to end the A.

 

 

 

I don't understand. Have you ended the affair?

 

If you have, your xOW is now unemployed, alone and raising your child. She has got to be one angry woman.

 

Best to confess to your wife, right now.

[darkbloom]

You're not a scumbag. But you have been incredibly selfish.

 

Your children don't know that they have a half sibling. Let that sink in. The lies will destroy you more than anything else. And it will destroy them.

 

Honesty with all parties is the only thing that will save you. You must admit your mistakes and apologize to everyone. And then work everyday to make it right.

 

(All of) your children deserve the truth.

[Quiet Storms]

You have a right to vent. However, you keep calling yourself a "scumbag" and other such names. Really... that may be true (and I believe it is), but what are you going to DO about it? Put your money where your mouth is and FIX it, if you really believe you are a scumbag. Just saying it doesn't excuse you of anything.

 

Would you want to know if your wife was having a 3-year affair? Would you want to know if she got pregnant from that affair and didn't tell you the child wasn't yours?

 

You need to tell your wife what her reality is. If for no other reason, because you are using her money to pay your OW for your child's financial obligations. Yes, HER MONEY. Not just yours.

 

Stop making unilateral decisions and tell your wife what is going on, before your OW does. That will likely make the decisions for you.

Edited May 1, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BetrayedH]

You seem to have decided that you're dumping the OW, offering her continued financial support, and continuing to keep it all under wraps. I only summarize this because most people come here for advice but you don't seem to be requesting that. As Mercy has asked, what are you seeking here?

 

If you are hoping to get away with it, that seems kinda unlikely. You've been making this bed for 3 years. The OW is unlikely to allow you to escape your consequences. You can't toy with two women, involve children with both, and then just dump one. Well, I suppose you can try but I don't see that working out for you. It's not how it plays out.

[somanymistakes]

The A is extremely addicting and the sex is intoxicating. Why am I torn? Can you be in love with two at the same time? I don't want to upset the apple cart in my life and leave for the OW, she wants me to. I need some guidance and support, not criticism. I know, I am the worst and have called myself all sorts of names already. I just need to vent.....

 

It's possible to be in love with more than one person at a time, and it's possible to love more than one person at a time, but you are not behaving in a very loving manner, are you?

 

You're getting sex and attention from two women, while making them both suffer for it. That's not very loving, is it?

 

Now, maybe your wife isn't actively suffering. Maybe you're a really great actor and she's never once questioned your devotion to her. Even if that's true, you're still putting her at risk without her knowledge. You're putting her physically at risk because you're not sexually faithful, and you're putting her emotionally at risk because you KNOW how badly this is going to hurt her when it all comes out, especially if she finds out by accident.

 

It's like storing dangerous explosives or illegal drugs in your house without warning your wife. If you're lucky no one gets hurt, but your secrets put her in danger. That's not a very loving thing to do, is it?

[VicXC]

You seem to have decided that you're dumping the OW, offering her continued financial support, and continuing to keep it all under wraps. I only summarize this because most people come here for advice but you don't seem to be requesting that. As Mercy has asked, what are you seeking here?

 

If you are hoping to get away with it, that seems kinda unlikely. You've been making this bed for 3 years. The OW is unlikely to allow you to escape your consequences. You can't toy with two women, involve children with both, and then just dump one. Well, I suppose you can try but I don't see that working out for you. It's not how it plays out.

 

I do need advice...I really do. Your summary is accurate. In my mind, I've ruined one life already, why ruin my marriage and current family? Not the best decision, but I need advice if it's the best course to minimize the amount of people hurt.

 

The OW, will still work for me and I'll have to minimize non-work related interaction. The kid, which is the most guilt I have, is what I need advice about.

 

For the other posters, have you considered the OW did this on purpose? She knew I was married, knew I had kids, but continued the affair and "forgot her pills" on one of our intimate days..... she met my wife and knows her but continues with the A.

 

What I need help with is getting out. I've ended the A and told the OW I don't want her anymore...the missing her part is killing me....

[somanymistakes]

For the other posters, have you considered the OW did this on purpose? She knew I was married, knew I had kids, but continued the affair and "forgot her pills" on one of our intimate days..... she met my wife and knows her but continues with the A.

 

And you live with your wife and know her far better but continue with the affair!

 

Your OW is not a perfect person but you are more responsible for this situation than she is. You're the one who's married. You are the one who is breaking your vows. She left her marriage rather than continue to live like that. You didn't.

 

For that matter, you are completely capable of wearing a condom, it's not like you didn't know where babies come from.

 

If you want out of the affair, come clean to your wife now before it's too late. Your chances of her forgiving you are much higher if you confess than if she finds out from your enraged OW screaming bloody murder. If you can manage to reach a truce with your wife, that's the best way to ensure you actually get out of the affair and stay out.

[BaileyB]

Not sure what advice you are looking for exactly.

 

You have made decisions and your decisions have consequences. I'm sure that you know what the consequences are - for yourself, both of these women and their children. Nothing you can do at this point will lessen the pain that you will cause - to your wife and your children when they learn the truth, or the other woman and her child who you are about to essentially abandon.

 

It's impossible not to look at your situation without judgment. You have been incredibly selfish and the decisions that you have made have and will continue to hurt many people. My heart breaks for your devoted wife... who has absolutely no idea that her husband has been sleeping with another woman, had a child, and is now supporting that child.

 

You are definitely up a creek without a paddle... Or as my mother would say, you have made your bed, and now you have to lay in it....

[LivingWaterPlease]

VicXC, sounds to me as if you realize you've made a mess and want to figure out how to make amends.

 

Most of us make mistakes, to a lesser or greater extent. When I've made mistakes what has helped me is to come clean. Be honest.

 

I'm here to support you if possible.

 

Also, want to add, it seems to me you don't truly love either your wife or OW OR yourself. But, you can learn from this how to love others and yourself, also.

 

Are you a believer in God?

[LivingWaterPlease]

I do need advice...I really do. Your summary is accurate. In my mind, I've ruined one life already, why ruin my marriage and current family? Not the best decision, but I need advice if it's the best course to minimize the amount of people hurt.

 

The OW, will still work for me and I'll have to minimize non-work related interaction. The kid, which is the most guilt I have, is what I need advice about.

 

For the other posters, have you considered the OW did this on purpose? She knew I was married, knew I had kids, but continued the affair and "forgot her pills" on one of our intimate days..... she met my wife and knows her but continues with the A.

 

What I need help with is getting out. I've ended the A and told the OW I don't want her anymore...the missing her part is killing me....

 

OK, you posted this while I was writing my post.

 

Yes, it's possible the OW "forgot her pills on purpose," but it doesn't change the situation for you.

 

The best way to get out of this is to tell your wife the truth. And get professional help and help from God. He truly can help you and that's one of the reasons He sent His Son to die so that humans can have access to the power He possesses.

 

That's why I asked you if you believe in Him. You're going to have consequences to face but God will give you the courage to do so. He also wants as little damage as possible for all of you and will help pave the way for that to happen.

[BaileyB]

I do need advice...I really do. Your summary is accurate. In my mind, I've ruined one life already, why ruin my marriage and current family? Not the best decision, but I need advice if it's the best course to minimize the amount of people hurt.

 

The OW, will still work for me and I'll have to minimize non-work related interaction. The kid, which is the most guilt I have, is what I need advice about.

 

For the other posters, have you considered the OW did this on purpose? She knew I was married, knew I had kids, but continued the affair and "forgot her pills" on one of our intimate days..... she met my wife and knows her but continues with the A.

 

What I need help with is getting out. I've ended the A and told the OW I don't want her anymore...the missing her part is killing me....

 

Honesty is the best policy. How can you stay in your marriage and share your life with your wife, knowing that you have been with another woman AND there is a child that you are financially supporting - that your wife knows nothing about!

 

There is nothing to respect in keeping this secret. You won't sleep at night and you will carry the guilt of the burden every day of your life. And when, not if, your wife learns the truth - because it is likely to come out somehow... I can imagine that the other woman would have good reason to share this news with your wife... your wife will have an even more difficult time because you have lied to her for years...

 

Have some integrity and tell your wife. She needs to know what kind of man she is married too so that she can make the decision of whether she wants to trust you again or send you packing.

[VicXC]

VicXC, sounds to me as if you realize you've made a mess and want to figure out how to make amends.

 

Most of us make mistakes, to a lesser or greater extent. When I've made mistakes what has helped me is to come clean. Be honest.

 

I'm here to support you if possible.

 

Also, want to add, it seems to me you don't truly love either your wife or OW OR yourself. But, you can learn from this how to love others and yourself, also.

 

Are you a believer in God?

 

Yes, I've made a HUGE mistake....I also am a believer in god...at church every Sunday...I am living and have been living a double life for 3 years...I am very confused and really in guilt over my kids...to me, that's the worst....my kids have met their other sibling under "false" pretence not knowing they are from the same father....

 

I've weaved a very complicated web and unable to untangle or talk to anyone about it..

 

What do I do? Confess to wife and ruin her life and my kids? I don't want to be with the OW as I will never trust her...I know that...

 

I've ended the A, but now will abandon the OW (except for keeping her financially secure)...her kid will never know his real father...

[VicXC]

Honesty is the best policy.

 

Have some integrity and tell your wife. She needs to know what kind of man she is married too so that she can make the decision of whether she wants to trust you again or send you packing.

 

Wife won't trust again....she'll never forgive either...I'll end up losing it all.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Yes, I've made a HUGE mistake....I also am a believer in god...at church every Sunday...I am living and have been living a double life for 3 years...I am very confused and really in guilt over my kids...to me, that's the worst....my kids have met their other sibling under "false" pretence not knowing they are from the same father....

 

I've weaved a very complicated web and unable to untangle or talk to anyone about it..

 

What do I do? Confess to wife and ruin her life and my kids? I don't want to be with the OW as I will never trust her...I know that...

 

I've ended the A, but now will abandon the OW (except for keeping her financially secure)...her kid will never know his real father...

 

If you are a christian...and you beleive the word of God...then you realize that you should confess and repent

 

you should also take care of your own and be responsible

 

 

you are accountable for your actions....and forgiveness can only come through confession and repentance

 

 

So my friend...you have a lot of thinking to do

 

 

I suggest you seek a lawyer to find out your legal rights and obligations

 

seek therapy

 

and read the book how to help your spouse heal from ypur affair by linda macdonald...because you will need it

 

If you are guilt ridden...you need to understand what you have done.....and take responsibility for it

 

and most of all..you need to humble yourself before God and ask for His forgiveness and guidance in how you should proceed.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Yes, I've made a HUGE mistake....I also am a believer in god...at church every Sunday...I am living and have been living a double life for 3 years...I am very confused and really in guilt over my kids...to me, that's the worst....my kids have met their other sibling under "false" pretence not knowing they are from the same father....

 

I've weaved a very complicated web and unable to untangle or talk to anyone about it..

 

What do I do? Confess to wife and ruin her life and my kids? I don't want to be with the OW as I will never trust her...I know that...

 

I've ended the A, but now will abandon the OW (except for keeping her financially secure)...her kid will never know his real father...

 

Then you have probably prayed about this situation, right? If you haven't, begin praying now and confess your sin to God. Then pray about how to go forward each day. Pray for your wife, your children and the OW and your child with her. Begin reading scripture to know Jesus Christ personally because when you do that you begin to change. As your relationship with Jesus Christ deepens your feelings about OW will begin to change. However, that will take time. Just face that your feelings for her are part of the consequences you need to accept for right now.

 

You will need to confess your sin to your wife and to the OW, as you have sinned against them both. And you have also sinned against yourself, 1 Corinthians 6:18. So you will need to forgive yourself as God forgives you when you ask Him to.

 

Before you confess to your wife, though, I would advise you to go to a Christian counselor and get help as to the best way to tell her. This is not for purposes of making it easier on yourself as much as it is to make it easier on your wife.

 

You want her to forgive you and you need to forgive yourself. Beating yourself up over this will do you no good. It seems to me you have already suffered a lot and there will be suffering ahead for you. No use to make it worse.

 

Realize that God will forgive you, 1 John 1:9, just as He forgave King David, a man after God's own heart (God said this about David AFTER David's affair and after he had Uriah killed), who had an affair with Bathsheba in which a child was conceived, and had her husband, Uriah, murdered in order to cover his sin. God forgave David and He will forgive you and He will give you strength and courage to face the consequences of your decisions.

 

But, please, get yourself to a Christian therapist. I don't know about your pastor. It may be helpful to involve him for spiritual reasons but I would still involve a Christian therapist who is trained to deal with this type of situation.

 

Friend, there is hope and help for you. God wants nothing more than to straighten out this tangled mess and He has the power to do so. He does not condemn you, but says to you, "Go, and sin no more!" He also says, "I have come that they may have life and may have it more abundantly." This is His plan for you, your family, and OW and your child with her.

[BaileyB]

Wife won't trust again....she'll never forgive either...I'll end up losing it all.

 

Sadly, that may just be true. You made a HUGE mistake... You can't really expect that you will be able to keep this secret and continue with life as though nothing is wrong...

 

Your desire to protect your wife and family is admirable, although much too late. But let's be honest here, you are attempting to protect yourself. You would not be in this situation, if at any point you had out your wife and your children's best interest ahead of your own...

 

I just don't see how you will find any peace, without being honest and accepting responsibility for your actions. I do wish you well.

[mercy]

Wife won't trust again....she'll never forgive either...I'll end up losing it all.

 

I don't believe that about your wife.

 

What do you mean when you say you'll lose it all. What all will you lose, are you talking about material things?

 

You are having panic attacks, what's next, a heart attack? Have more faith in your wife.

 

Are you close to your minister? Talk to him you may be surprised how helpful he can be.

 

You have to be accountable to someone or the affair will continue. It has to come out, for you, your wife and the OW. No, she cannot work with you.

 

Threadjack - if you see this betrayedh I hope you and your children are well!

Edited April 29, 2017 by mercy

[OneLov]

Dude....

 

I'm not going to judge you. But seriously, you can't handle this. You got to be smart. You're in way over your head. You know how these things end, right?

 

The only chance you have for this to end unlike the Hindenburg is to confess--now!

 

Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Disco" Dan Marino

Steven Tyler

Michael Jordan

Eddie Murphy

Hugh Grant

Tom Jones

Owen Wilson

Chuck Norris

Jesse Jackson

Ted Nugent

Thomas Jefferson

Clark Cable

John Edwards

Ray Charles

Eric Clapton

Dwayne Wade

Evander Holyfield

Strom Thurmond

Joe Jackson

Julius Erving

Calvin Murphy

Pete Domenici

 

What do all these men have in common? They each sired a love child(ren) and spent millions trying to keep it secret...except after being blackmailed, they were still exposed (except for Jefferson and maybe Gable, but that's only because DNA tests didn't exist then). So not only did they lose respect, they lost a ton of cash.

 

What's going to happen when you piss this woman off or the child becomes old enough to start digging? Don't be foolish. I'm telling you; you can't handle this. Your only chance is if you confess--like now!

Edited April 29, 2017 by OneLov

[lostgirl87]

Yes, I've made a HUGE mistake....I also am a believer in god...at church every Sunday...I am living and have been living a double life for 3 years...I am very confused and really in guilt over my kids...to me, that's the worst....my kids have met their other sibling under "false" pretence not knowing they are from the same father....

 

I've weaved a very complicated web and unable to untangle or talk to anyone about it..

 

What do I do? Confess to wife and ruin her life and my kids? I don't want to be with the OW as I will never trust her...I know that...

 

I've ended the A, but now will abandon the OW (except for keeping her financially secure)...her kid will never know his real father...

"HER kid will never know his real father". Look, I'm nobody to judge another but your story has left me completely horrified! How you can abandon this innocent child and protect your "real children" is disgusting. the way you blame the OW for getting pregnant and say you can't trust HER is mind-boggling. And to judge her for continuing the affair after having met your wife is laughable. Although to be fair, I will agree that it takes a special kind of OW to be ok with an affair when they know or have met the wife. What kept me going is i never met my MM's wife. In my mind, she wasn't even a person. That made it easier for me. But still- even though OW met your wife, YOU have known her longer. YOU exchanged vows. YOU made a commitment. You're also the one who had an affair, had a child and now wants everything to just be okay without having to fess up to what you've done.

 

Your wife deserves better. Hell even the OW deserves better. Don't be surprised if she one Day tells your wife the truth. Once she sees the way you shun her and "her child" ( also YOUR CHILD) it may be too much for her and she will no longer want to protect you. It's probably best for you to go ahead and confess to your wife/family b/c there is no way you're keeping this a secret for the rest of your life.

 

I apologize for the judgment and condescending tone my post has taken but I'm honestly flabbergasted. You continue to be concerned only with yourself and how you'll be affected. Definitely get into some counseling. You sound like you're having a difficult time (rightfully so) but it also seems like you're not thinking rationally. Definitely talk to someone. Make some sense of this and for once, do the right thing. You can't fix this by dumping the OW, your child and keeping your fingers crossed that your huge secret won't come out.

 

Sometimes we make bad decisions and end up in situations we never wanted to be in but we do need to deal with and accept the consequences for those decisions and actions. Good luck. And I really do mean that.

[VicXC]

I don't believe that about your wife.

 

What do you mean when you say you'll lose it all. What all will you lose, are you talking about material things?

 

You are having panic attacks, what's next, a heart attack? Have more faith in your wife.

 

 

Lose it all - financially, family, kids.....it will be very sour....I cannot be with the OW either...I cannot trust her but yet desire her......

 

I've really become mentally ill over the situation and keep occupying my time with work, hobbies to avoid thinking about it....hitting rock bottom for sure....

[VicXC]

"HER kid will never know his real father". Look, I'm nobody to judge another but your story has left me completely horrified! How you can abandon this innocent child and protect your "real children" is disgusting. the way you blame the OW for getting pregnant and say you can't trust HER is mind-boggling. And to judge her for continuing the affair after having met your wife is laughable. Although to be fair, I will agree that it takes a special kind of OW to be ok with an affair when they know or have met the wife. What kept me going is i never met my MM's wife. In my mind, she wasn't even a person. That made it easier for me. But still- even though OW met your wife, YOU have known her longer. YOU exchanged vows. YOU made a commitment. You're also the one who had an affair, had a child and now wants everything to just be okay without having to fess up to what you've done.

 

Your wife deserves better. Hell even the OW deserves better. Don't be surprised if she one Day tells your wife the truth. Once she sees the way you shun her and "her child" ( also YOUR CHILD) it may be too much for her and she will no longer want to protect you. It's probably best for you to go ahead and confess to your wife/family b/c there is no way you're keeping this a secret for the rest of your life.

 

I apologize for the judgment and condescending tone my post has taken but I'm honestly flabbergasted. You continue to be concerned only with yourself and how you'll be affected. Definitely get into some counseling. You sound like you're having a difficult time (rightfully so) but it also seems like you're not thinking rationally. Definitely talk to someone. Make some sense of this and for once, do the right thing. You can't fix this by dumping the OW, your child and keeping your fingers crossed that your huge secret won't come out.

 

Sometimes we make bad decisions and end up in situations we never wanted to be in but we do need to deal with and accept the consequences for those decisions and actions. Good luck. And I really do mean that.

 

I sincerely appreciate this post....I am in a power position (work wise) and very rarely get to hear this feedback....I needed it....

 

I honestly just don't know how to proceed.....really lost.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

You have made a mess haven't you?

 

You need to tell your wife. Because dollars to donuts, when OW builds up to the point of rage for abandoning her emotionally with your child she will fire with both cylinders. She will tell your wife anyway. And then you've lost the benefit of coming clean yourself.

 

And add me to the list of people who are disturbed by how much you are disassociated from your own son: "her kid" ... friend, that is YOUR kid and he's been brought into a situation where his existence is a secret and he is kept in the shadows. That's incredibly sad for a little boy who never asked for any of this dysfunction... it's not his fault his parents are selfish.

 

This won't go away... but it will define what kind of man and father you are... so time to man up and own your $hit... no one is getting out of this unscathed. It's impossible.