MM trying to end A

[VicXC]

I read your thread and it was mentioned numerous times that the other woman may notify your wife of the affair and child, but you haven't addressed this!?

 

I'm curious as to why you aren't worried about this!? Are you payin her (the OW) off, per say?

 

It doesn't seem that you think there's any chance the OW will tell your wife! I'm curious why this is!

 

It's going to sound condescending....but I have not been concerned about this because the OW is deeply in love with me and I am in complete control of her financial stability....

 

Reading what I just typed makes me sick to my stomach....

[Life lessons]

It's going to sound condescending....but I have not been concerned about this because the OW is deeply in love with me and I am in complete control of her financial stability....

 

Reading what I just typed makes me sick to my stomach....

 

I completely understand. In all honesty, I assumed it was that way!

 

To be honest....my stories on LS as well, I've had an affair and I also have no fears about the single OM saying anything. So I completely understand. I'm also not confessing!

 

BUT, with that said, our stories are different. just because she's in love with you now, doesn't mean she's going to have the same love in a year from now. Something to think about!

 

Your situation is different than mine because there is no child involved in the affair I had. Thank God!

 

I honestly think, in your situation, I would confess, simply because there's a child involved and it's only a matter of time before that child grows up...even if the OW doesn't tell (which I think she eventually will) the child will know the truth one day and everything will come to light and be so much worse for you.

[Starswillshine]

Yikes. What a mess you have created. This is a HUGE problem (an understatement), so you need to start working the problem.

 

1) get into therapy pronto (not just through church, but a psychologist. Have him/her help you with how to come clean on this.

 

2) Your OW is a ticking timebomb. She has you by the nuts. You think you hold the power because she loves you and you give her money, but guess what, she actually holds that power. And when you crush hee heart, she will be out for blood. Guess who will pay? Your wife and your children.

 

3) follow the advise of your therapist on how to tell your wife. You need to do this asap so you control when and where she gets the info. I found out in front of my children and it was such a shock... I couldn't control my emotions. And that traumatized them further.

 

4) with everything out in the open, you can get visitation with your love child and will have the ability to be an active part in his life.

 

5) don't discount your wifr. She may have the capacity to forgive. But not if you don't take control of this situation right now. If she finds out through the OW who will control the narrative... and trust me, it will come from hee rose colored glasses... she will be devastated.

 

6) be there for your wife. There have been times where I wished I wasn't living anymore. I fight on because I have beautiful children who don't deserve more devastation.

 

7) you cannot live like this for the rest of your life. It will come out but at the very least, you will love every moment waiting for the shoe to drop. Your wife, your kids will all get a shell of the person you once were. The truth will set you free. It will be painful as hell for all parties but it is the only way to get to the other side.

 

Don't let the OW control the narrative. You never know how vengeful she may be. We are dealing with a bunny boiler type on my end... and she continues to harass me and my family because my WH dumped her.

[Doublegold]

It's going to sound condescending....but I have not been concerned about this because the OW is deeply in love with me and I am in complete control of her financial stability....

 

Reading what I just typed makes me sick to my stomach....

 

Once she sees you as you are she will be in control of your financial stability. I never saw someone refer to their child(ren) as "the kid" as often as you do.

 

You appear removed from attachment to anyone on a deep level. Everyone is a reflection of you, how you are perceive yourself to appear to yourself and others.

 

When will you realize humans are not things, or "toys" to be put in whatever position suits you?

 

You, Sir, are a Narcissist.

Edited April 29, 2017 by Doublegold

[Life lessons]

It's going to sound condescending....but I have not been concerned about this because the OW is deeply in love with me and I am in complete control of her financial stability....

 

Reading what I just typed makes me sick to my stomach....

 

Also, do you realize that OW is going to more than likely have to find other employment when this comes out?

 

Not only the fact that your wife probably will not permit her to work for you but for your sake and the ending of the affair. There's no way you can continue to work with OW and stop the affair. It will be way too difficult! If not impossible! And Add your desires for OW on top of that....the A won't stop!

 

OW will have to find other employment....unless you're going to support her and the child entirely and pay her enough, so that she can support herself and your child and not have to work.....but she can't continue working for/with you. That is if your wife makes the choice to reconcile.

 

I do wish you luck!

[Life lessons]

I may have missed it but how old is the child? Is the child old enough to know and call you daddy?

 

If not, what happens when the child starts talking? Is the child going to know you as "daddy"?

[BaileyB]

You can not trust that this woman will love you forever, especially if you chose your family and end contact with her and your son.

 

And, you may think that you hold all the cards, but what will happen when she gets another job or when she meets another man? Both, are likely to happen. Will you be as confident that she will stay quiet when her circumstances change?

[VicXC]

You can not trust that this woman will love you forever, especially if you chose your family and end contact with her and your son.

 

And, you may think that you hold all the cards, but what will happen when she gets another job or when she meets another man? Both, are likely to happen. Will you be as confident that she will stay quiet when her circumstances change?

 

If she moves on, finds someone else, then that's the best outcome when you are in denial. I am in denial but am going to come clean. Just need to figure out timing and how......

[somanymistakes]

It's going to sound condescending....but I have not been concerned about this because the OW is deeply in love with me and I am in complete control of her financial stability....

 

Reading what I just typed makes me sick to my stomach....

 

And this is why you may be in serious legal trouble if she files suit. It's an abuse of power. Hopefully you didn't MEAN for it to be one at first, but it clearly turned into one.

[BaileyB]

If she moves on, finds someone else, then that's the best outcome when you are in denial. I am in denial but am going to come clean. Just need to figure out timing and how......

 

Possibly... She could move on with her life...

 

Or, when she is not beholden to you, she could become spiteful and decide that the truth should come out - and that, is what you need to anticipate. Never underestimate a woman scorned.

 

Good point, is it possible that she could file a sexual harassment suit against you? The fact that you keep her in check by holding complete control of her financial security is definitely an abuse of power...

Edited April 29, 2017 by BaileyB

[FoundMyStrength]

You can not trust that this woman will love you forever, especially if you chose your family and end contact with her and your son.

 

And, you may think that you hold all the cards, but what will happen when she gets another job or when she meets another man? Both, are likely to happen. Will you be as confident that she will stay quiet when her circumstances change?

 

These are both really good points. One reason we OW keep quiet is the love you spoke of. Another is fear. Fear of losing reputation, money, career, respect. If she moves on and has more stability in her life, gets to a point where she could care less what happens, you're toast. I bet she'll serve you with a paternity claim and try to get official child support. Plus what Bailey says about another man should be your biggest fear. When a man truly loves a woman, he'll take a flamethrower to anyone who hurt her as bad as you've hurt her. That protective feeling you have for your wife, he'll have for her. And he'll make sure you pay your dues, financially and otherwise. At least that's what the men who've truly loved me would do. Even my close male friends wanted a chance at xMM, lol.

[mercy]

If she moves on, finds someone else, then that's the best outcome when you are in denial. I am in denial but am going to come clean. Just need to figure out timing and how......

 

Have faith. Read Proverbs 3, read it twice, my favorite verse in the chapter is, lean not on thy own understanding.

 

You are going to get through this. And you are going to come out of this a better man. Trust me, you will.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Have faith. Read Proverbs 3, read it twice, my favorite verse in the chapter is, lean not on thy own understanding.

 

You are going to get through this. And you are going to come out of this a better man. Trust me, you will.

 

 

Proverbs 3:5,6

 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths." The second sentence is as important as the first.

 

You'll survive this if you do it His way, not your own. His way is to put others' well being before your own. Think of them first, not your own skin. A new way of doing things, friend, and you need help from a Christian therapist to pull this off.

[deadsoul]

It's going to take a lot of courage to step up and do the right thing. You are making a lot of assumptions on "what will happen" and you really don't know for sure.

 

For example, I'm a wayward and I was sure that my H would divorce me when he found out.

 

He hasn't, yet... We are working on things. It's been hard, but we are working on things. My H tells me it would've been much worse had he found out instead of me telling him. I knew I had to tell for me to have a chance to save things with him.

 

My kids found out...details that they should've never heard and they are teenagers. I was sure they would never speak to me again. That did happen for awhile and one of my kids is having a hard time, but is getting on the right track again.

 

My point is, you don't know what's going to happen. The things you think might happen, just might. But here's the thing. Coming clean and taking responsibility for your actions is your first step to being a better person. You have a long road ahead of you. But you can sit in your pity party or you can be proactive and make the right choice here. Based on your guilt, you know what the right choice is. Your other child deserves to know who his father is and deserves to know he has siblings. The longer this information is kept from him, the more therapy bills you'd better get ready to pay. I'm assuming he's under 3 so you have time to make this right. I normally am supportive of whether a wayward decides to confess or not. But a child is involved here, so you owe it to him.

 

Good luck. Keep posting here. It really does help. You are going to get beat up over your actions, but again, taking responsibility and making better choices in the future will truly help you. You may feel like you deserve the flogging, but at some point, you have to own it and move forward. After that, you just take a day at a time, sometimes an hour at a time, sometimes a minute. It's always darkest before the dawn. I could throw out all kinds of corny statements like that, but you get the idea.

[startingagain15]

That's the guilt I feel the most weight from,...the kid growing up not knowing his real father. Not having a lineage or identity....very excruciating to carry around...

 

I am going to follow @aileD's recommendation and talk to my church elder about next steps...I need this guilt off of me and I need to move on, despite how ugly it's going to get...

 

I think this is really your best option. Talk to a church elder, confess to them. Confess to your wife. Take what comes if you want to save your marriage. Legally come to a support agreement for the child and stop any contact with the other woman.

 

My grandpa apparently had an other woman for many years, she had two children for him, but he got her to give them both up for adoption. Just last year one of those children came looking for family because she is now all alone in the world as her adoptive family is all deceased. BIG BOMB 50 years later for our large family. Grandpa isn't remembered as quite the hero he was always thought anymore.

 

Apparently my grandma found out everything at some point, took him to the lawyers for divorce, but the lawyer talked them into staying together for their children. So I guess she forgave him and they had many "happy" years together. At least that's what we all thought, that they were happy. (They've both passed now, so I guess grandpa got away with it? Just our memories of him are tainted now, oh and the children he never took responsibility for who's lives were forever effected.)

 

Of course things were very different 50 years ago, but their story just reminds me of where you are.

 

Best of luck coming clean and reaping what you have sowed.

[anika99]

Wow. A few thoughts. Thank you for showing me what my future would have been if I stayed with my MM.

 

Please stop acting like the victim here. Your wife is the victim. To a certain extent the OW is the victim in some ways, but you really aren't.

Do you really believe you can hide a child from your wife forever? Do you really believe the OW will not try and do what she thinks is right for her child if you end this? My MM ended things with me to R with his wife. It hurts but I can see him for what he is, and I will let him go so he can have the life he wants. However, if we had a child together there is no way I would just let him walk away. I would tell his wife. I wouldn't allow my child to become a dirty, shameful secret. There is a very real chance your OW will do this, and it will cause your wife so much more pain than you being honest.

 

Nope. The victims are the OPs wife and his children, including the child he has with the OW. The OP and OW are definitely not victims. The OW has created and allowed this situation to go on as much as the OP has. She has happily continued the affair, remained financially dependent on the MM, and agreed to let her child be a dirty secret. She had choices every step of the way. She chose to get involved in an affair with her married boss, to skip her birth control and have unprotected sex with the MM, to keep the pregnancy and keep the baby. Then she chose to continue the affair, to be dependent on the MM rather than getting her act together and getting a different job and getting legal support for her child. She chose to let her child be treated like a dirty regret. The BS and all the children involved were not given choices and so they are the victims.

 

But I do agree that the chances of the MM being able to take this secret to his grave are slim to none. If the OW doesn't blow this open then the other child will when they are old enough to do so. I also don't think the OP loves either woman and he talks about his child like he has no feelings at all and like he wishes the child just didn't exist. I have no sympathy for the OW but I feel sad for her innocent baby.

 

OP you are delusional if you think that you have control over everyone involved. You say you have already made up your mind to never tell your wife the truth and then ask if anyone has any ideas. What kind of ideas are you looking for? How to best deceive your wife? How to keep living this lie? Well if you don't want to tell the truth and put an end to this hell then I guess you better not end the affair. Keep screwing the OW and telling her lies, keep lying to the family you have at home. Go see a doctor and tell them you are having panic attacks. They will give you pills so that you can numb yourself to the filthy lies and double life you are living. The truth will still come out eventually but not as quickly as it will if you end the affair now and the OW decides she hates your guts and tells your wife as well as suing you for child support. Does that help? Are those the ideas you're looking for?

[GoldenR]

You feel secure with the OW bc you control her financially!?

 

Methinks you aren't thinking things through. Let's say she outs you, she will then collect child support for 18 years, and from the sounds of things you are very well off, so she'll be collecting a lot of it. And then there's the lawsuit at work where she will collect big time.

 

It sounds like you're looking for a magic wand to fix things. The only honorable thing to do is to come clean to your wife and to go public with your son.

 

And yes, chances are that you'll lose everything. But in this scenario, there is no getting off scot free. It's time to pay the piper.

[whichwayisup]

It's going to sound condescending....but I have not been concerned about this because the OW is deeply in love with me and I am in complete control of her financial stability....

 

Reading what I just typed makes me sick to my stomach....

 

All the more reason for her to go postal when things go south. She's very emotionally attached to you, in love with you and people can do some pretty freaky things when pushed to their emotional limit. Remember she PURPOSELY did NOT take her birth control pills! That's malicious, planned and calculating! You're dealing with someone who is capable of anything so you should be scared of her and the damage she can do to your wife and your children. Just because you help her out with money doesn't mean you're in control of her! Not at all, if anything she's going to turn that around on YOU and make it seem like you gave her that money to keep her quiet.

 

Save

Edited May 1, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[somanymistakes]

All the more reason for her to go postal when things go south. She's very emotionally attached to you, in love with you and people can do some pretty freaky things when pushed to their emotional limit. Remember she PURPOSELY did NOT take her birth control pills! That's malicious, planned and calculating!

 

IIRC he said she claims she forgot and he SUSPECTS it was intentional... although he didn't even bring this up until people were yelling at him and he was looking for some excuse to show that it was all HER fault and not HIS fault at all. Initially, it was "she has had my child, please don't judge me for that"

[Southern Sun]

It's going to sound condescending....but I have not been concerned about this because the OW is deeply in love with me and I am in complete control of her financial stability....

 

Reading what I just typed makes me sick to my stomach....

 

Vic, this only works while YOU keep playing the game.

 

Unless you keep placating her, giving her money, saying sweet words, kissing her forehead and brushing her hair back from her face, looking longingly into her eyes, even "making love" to her now and again...she is going to be onto you.

 

I thought you wanted to be free.

 

I had an affair with a "powerful" MM. I have the power to blow up his entire world. With one phone call, one post to his social media accounts, I could implode his reputation and destroy his relationships. I'm thinking about doing it right now.

 

The only thing holding me back is NOT love for him; it's not money (believe me); it's that I am decent person. Far more decent than him. But I reserve the right to do it, because he has f'd up my world royally. And I can do it from now to the end of my days.

 

I am also married. I've taken a different tact than he. I confessed. I've repented. I've worked hard to recover my marriage and rebuild my life. He has continued to lie and deny and dance and pretend and live a fake BS life. So he lives in fear and I do not.

 

I react to you from so many different points of view. As a former OW...I hear you say how you are "done" with your ex, seem to blame her for everything, and it makes me want to scream. You started this with her. I'm sure you've told her you love her. You HAD A BABY WITH HER. And now you're just done. Washing your hands. Isn't that nice?

 

I hear you talk about being unable to be truthful because of how your eldest will look at you. It IS the truth, right? Isn't it too late? Do you REALLY think you can hide this? My xMM has been fending off the rumors to his kids for years now. I bet they all talk about it between themselves, trying to figure who their father really is.

 

If he would only be honest...they might just be able to respect him again.

 

You have done some things you will never be able to fix. I can't hear you refer to your OC as "the kid" on this thread again. It's maddening. So your next best thing is to give your wife the truth. Honestly, even if she leaves you and you break your children's hearts, it's better than trying to maintain this lie for the rest of your life. It's even possible you'll be given a second chance. Somehow. People are that forgiving. But you will only know and have that freedom if you confess.

 

You said this situation has made you mentally ill. It WILL do that to you. Living a lie, a double life...it will make you sick in the head. It will only get worse.

 

Be a real man. Be kind to your OW. End it well. Take care of your children, all of them. Love your wife. Tell the truth. See what opportunities are left for you after that. And do the best you can with them.

[BaileyB]

Vic, this only works while YOU keep playing the game.

 

Unless you keep placating her, giving her money, saying sweet words, kissing her forehead and brushing her hair back from her face, looking longingly into her eyes, even "making love" to her now and again...she is going to be onto you.

 

I thought you wanted to be free.

 

I had an affair with a "powerful" MM. I have the power to blow up his entire world. With one phone call, one post to his social media accounts, I could implode his reputation and destroy his relationships. I'm thinking about doing it right now.

 

The only thing holding me back is NOT love for him; it's not money (believe me); it's that I am decent person. Far more decent than him. But I reserve the right to do it, because he has f'd up my world royally. And I can do it from now to the end of my days.

 

I am also married. I've taken a different tact than he. I confessed. I've repented. I've worked hard to recover my marriage and rebuild my life. He has continued to lie and deny and dance and pretend and live a fake BS life. So he lives in fear and I do not.

 

I react to you from so many different points of view. As a former OW...I hear you say how you are "done" with your ex, seem to blame her for everything, and it makes me want to scream. You started this with her. I'm sure you've told her you love her. You HAD A BABY WITH HER. And now you're just done. Washing your hands. Isn't that nice?

 

I hear you talk about being unable to be truthful because of how your eldest will look at you. It IS the truth, right? Isn't it too late? Do you REALLY think you can hide this? My xMM has been fending off the rumors to his kids for years now. I bet they all talk about it between themselves, trying to figure who their father really is.

 

If he would only be honest...they might just be able to respect him again.

 

You have done some things you will never be able to fix. I can't hear you refer to your OC as "the kid" on this thread again. It's maddening. So your next best thing is to give your wife the truth. Honestly, even if she leaves you and you break your children's hearts, it's better than trying to maintain this lie for the rest of your life. It's even possible you'll be given a second chance. Somehow. People are that forgiving. But you will only know and have that freedom if you confess.

 

You said this situation has made you mentally ill. It WILL do that to you. Living a lie, a double life...it will make you sick in the head. It will only get worse.

 

Be a real man. Be kind to your OW. End it well. Take care of your children, all of them. Love your wife. Tell the truth. See what opportunities are left for you after that. And do the best you can with them.

 

The voice of wisdom. Powerful, and very well said.

Edited April 29, 2017 by BaileyB

[Whodatdog]

Your wife will find out, one way or the other. If it comes from you, theres a chance you can work on your marriage. It will be totally up to her, but it does happen. A lot. If your wife truly loves you, and you lay it out on the line, tell her EVERYTHING...it might work out. It will mean counseling, and probably a lot of it, but it can work. You will simply have to expose yourself as a total slime ball willing to do anything she wants you to do in order to put your marriage back together. Regaining trust will be difficult on her part, she may never trust you again. She may want a piece of your hide, give it. She may want passwords to every account you have, give it.

 

Its the only way to put this back together. If she hears it from another source, 90% chance its divorce city for you.

 

First thing is you have got to man up and take responsibility for this mess you made. This isnt about you anymore, its about those 2 women and their kids.

 

Fix your mess. Take responsibility, start healing now. For gods sake, be a man.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am in complete control of her financial stability....

 

You realize this is also your child's well-being you're threatening, right?

 

If your goal when you woke up this morning was to sound as venal and manipulative as possible - mission accomplished ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[VicXC]

Reall stuggling here folks....just texted my OW with pics...how do I stop?

 

I really miss her...while at an event with my wife and kids...

 

I am 40 years old and acting like 18!!!!!

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

It's going to sound condescending....but I have not been concerned about this because the OW is deeply in love with me and I am in complete control of her financial stability....

 

Reading what I just typed makes me sick to my stomach....

 

This is an absolute classic case of sexual harassment and misconduct. You are in complete control of her financial stability which prevents her from being able to stand up for herself and her child because of your position of power over her.

 

Add financial abuse to boot. You use your financial leverage and position of power to control her. You are abusive.

 

You need serious help that neither a forum or a pastor is qualified to help with... you need psychotherapy and legal advice.