MM trying to end A

[VicXC]

Why are you miserable? You have a choice and the right choice to end your marriage and stop hurting your wife and making her believe that your heart is with your family is the right decision. Why would you put your wife and family through such ridiculous selfish behavior?

 

Wife and kids are unaware, so not being hurt..I am bottling it all within. Life is normal to them. Trying to protect them from the unknown. A divorce will surely cause damage.

 

As ashamed I am of the situation, my oldest looks up to me and a confession would cause serious emotional issues. Permanent issues. I cannot do that to my oldest kid.

 

I really can't confess....not taking this lightly at all. Looking for options outside a full fledged "come clean" one that will surely end up with me in the gutter. I know how selfish that sounds, I am absolutely a low life scumbag...but one that needs help.

 

Any ideas?

[VicXC]

 

And add me to the list of people who are disturbed by how much you are disassociated from your own son: "her kid" ... friend, that is YOUR kid and he's been brought into a situation where his existence is a secret and he is kept in the shadows. That's incredibly sad for a little boy who never asked for any of this dysfunction... it's not his fault his parents are selfish.

 

 

Straight through....that is where my heavy heart is coming from. The guilt is unbearable. That kid is my kid, I know, it really is such a heavy statement but you have no idea how painful reality is........no words can describe what I am suffering know I have a kid out there that I am keeping as a secret....you have no idea what it does to me daily.....

[Marc878]

Yes, I've made a HUGE mistake....I also am a believer in god...at church every Sunday...I am living and have been living a double life for 3 years...I am very confused and really in guilt over my kids...to me, that's the worst....my kids have met their other sibling under "false" pretence not knowing they are from the same father....

 

Nope, you made a willfully conscious decision.

 

I've weaved a very complicated web and unable to untangle or talk to anyone about it..

 

What do I do? Confess to wife and ruin her life and my kids? I don't want to be with the OW as I will never trust her...I know that...

 

You've already ruined their lives. They just don't know it yet.

 

I've ended the A, but now will abandon the OW (except for keeping her financially secure)...her kid will never know his real father...

 

You are looking for magic that doesn't exist. Plus as long as you are in contact with your girlfriend the affair will continue.

 

Get an addict around the source you get relapse. Your A will resume in a week or two.

 

You are a Christian in name only. Your continued actions say otherwise.

 

You'll either come clean and face the music or continue on as you are. I suspect your gf will at some point spill the beans and it'll all be out of your control.

 

A confession is better than discovery any day.

[OneLov]

Any ideas?

 

Wear some lucky charms and horseshoes up your rear.

 

I'm being facetious, but I'm trying to get you to understand--you're not in control.

 

Your fate, and those you love--it's all out of your hands. You're merely a spectator in what could be the greatest s*** show of all your lives. Dude, she is holding the "nuclear football." She has the codes; she calls the shots. One push of the button and turn of the key, and she can obliterate your world.

 

Aside from not beating her to the punch, what can you do?

[mercy]

Lose it all - financially, family, kids.....it will be very sour....I cannot be with the OW either...I cannot trust her but yet desire her......

 

I've really become mentally ill over the situation and keep occupying my time with work, hobbies to avoid thinking about it....hitt ing rock bottom for sure....

 

So stop right now, sit, breathe, free your mind, really free it,

how long do you think you can do this, just sitting with your thoughts, just you and me, I can help you with your stress maybe help you avoid another panic attack. It's up you. Your spiritual and physical well being is very important. I've worked with many high powered men one on one in my career which is healing, breathing, yoga and zen meditation.

 

You need to calm down or you're going to explode.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, I've made a HUGE mistake....I also am a believer in god...at church every Sunday...I am living and have been living a double life for 3 years...I am very confused and really in guilt over my kids...to me, that's the worst....my kids have met their other sibling under "false" pretence not knowing they are from the same father....

 

I've weaved a very complicated web and unable to untangle or talk to anyone about it..

 

What do I do? Confess to wife and ruin her life and my kids? I don't want to be with the OW as I will never trust her...I know that...

 

I've ended the A, but now will abandon the OW (except for keeping her financially secure)...her kid will never know his real father...

 

Confess everything. You risked your marriage and life with your wife when you chose to have an affair. You also risked your wife's health sexually by not using condoms with the OW and obviously had full trust that the OW would be responsible for her own birth control and take her pills properly (she looped you into that one, calculated move on her part!) and she got pregnant.

 

Chances are very high that the OW will get more upset as time goes on and tell your wife everything. This is double betrayal and a double life.

 

Counseling will help you sort though this and help you get strong to confess to your wife. You have no choice now because sooner or later the truth will come out. Better for her to hear it from you rather than someone else or stumbling upon it by accident.

[aileD]

Wow. So sometimes I ask my phone to give me a random bible verse. Today...hours ago...it was Galatians 6:1

 

"Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual shall restore him in a spirit of gentleness

 

So while my anger is flaring at your selfishness and the lives you have hurt as a result.....I come to you with gentleness and hopefully my words help you.

 

The reason why you should tell your wife and get everything out in the open is because that is the only way you are going to have peace through this. It may not come at once. But you have lived in deceit for so long, it is best to come clean all at once and then you can move forward with a clean soul.

 

Then there is the reason that others have mentioned. The will come to light someday. It is far worse to keep a secret this huge from your wife for 20 years than it is for 3 years. Three years is big yes. But 18,20,25...whenever thatchild decides to contact his birth father...it will be worse.

 

Then there is the child. Do you think God would want you to abandon a child that did not ask to be brought into this world and who's only sin isnveing born to two selfish sinners? this child is half your responsibility not just financially but emotionally as well.

 

God forgives us for our sins but he does not excuse us from the consequences of them. This is what you're hoping for. But it can't happen. You have to face what you did or you will never be healthy, your family will never be healthy and you WILL do this again because you got away with it once and the devil has a funny way of creeping back in.

 

Your wife may leave you. Your children may be upset about their sibling, but if you are a family of god as you say you are.....then you have to have faith you will get through this.

 

Have you spoken to your OW yet? Does she know you are breaking it off? There's no way to make this work if she is still working for you. First. It's unethical. Second. Ive been around here long enough to know that Affair partners who work together have the worst time breaking it off. Third, AS A MAN OF GOD YOU OWE IT TO YOUR WIFE to not put yourself around this threat to your marriage.

 

My suggestion is to get your affairs in order.

- Speak with a lawyer about child support so you have something to offer right away that doesn't have to be fought about. It also shows OW you are serious about breaking up and removes a bit of blackmail risk.

 

-speak to your employer and see if you or OW can get reassigned and the reasons why.

 

-speak to a therapist. There is a theme of selfishness with you and you need to figure that out, you need to work on fixing yourself so you have something to positive to show your wife.

 

-speak to your pastor.

 

-tell your wife. But have everything in order first Be prepared for her pain. Her anger, her bitterness, her disappointment. Don't blame her, don't defend yourself. This isn't going to be pretty for a long time.

 

-once things are worked out with your wife and you are going to counseling together and on your own then it's time to tell the kids. The therapist can help with this.

 

-pray like crazy and do better. Be better. Yes you acted like a scumbag. You did some shiitty things to people you're supposed to love. You brought life into this world when you knew it would be a life of pain but your pleasure was more important. These things happened. You can't hide them. You can't undo them

 

But you can finally stand like a man and deal with them.

 

I know that I will pray for healing for your family and guidance and wisdom for you. Good luck

[VicXC]

 

You need to calm down or you're going to explode.

 

I feel like I am already there....I took the day off just to muster courage to get help on this forum....honestly, just talking about it to strangers has been a relief....

 

I needed this...more than imagined....I am starting to tack out of the fog...

[whichwayisup]

Straight through....that is where my heavy heart is coming from. The guilt is unbearable. That kid is my kid, I know, it really is such a heavy statement but you have no idea how painful reality is........no words can describe what I am suffering know I have a kid out there that I am keeping as a secret....you have no idea what it does to me daily.....

 

It's killing you and going on like this nothing will get better, it'll only get worse. The truth will set you free but also it will automatically change your life in so many ways. Who knows in time your children will meet their half sibling. Your wife could forgive you because she loves you and wants to fight for your marriage. Your OW will always be in your life because of the child you share with her, maybe your wife will be supportive and embrace being a step parent.

 

Or maybe there will be a divorce and you'll be a father to all the kids but live alone.

[whichwayisup]

I feel like I am already there....I took the day off just to muster courage to get help on this forum....honestly, just talking about it to strangers has been a relief....

 

I needed this...more than imagined....I am starting to tack out of the fog...

 

Please find a good therapist. People here can help you sort stuff out but the kind of things you're dealing with is a life changer for everybody involved.

[VicXC]

@aileD

Thank you for your prayers.....I appreciate your guidance...

 

Yes, my OW knows I want nothing to do with her anymore....been very professional at work. My wife will explode, I know, am very concerned, but willing to deal with it.

 

I am unprepared to face my kids though, that's where the coward soles are dancing around the whole topic...my mother raised my brothers and I after my father leaving us...I promised myself to never do the same to my kids when I had them... I do now and cannot face them if the truth was to come out and having to go through divorce.....it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it....

[aileD]

@aileD

Thank you for your prayers.....I appreciate your guidance...

 

Yes, my OW knows I want nothing to do with her anymore....been very professional at work. My wife will explode, I know, am very concerned, but willing to deal with it.

 

I am unprepared to face my kids though, that's where the coward soles are dancing around the whole topic...my mother raised my brothers and I after my father leaving us...I promised myself to never do the same to my kids when I had them... I do now and cannot face them if the truth was to come out and having to go through divorce.....it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it....

 

I know and I'm sorry. But wouldn't it be better for them to know their father is human and made a mistake and is christian enough to admit it and deal with the consequences than for them to find out years from now from someone else and see you as a liar?

 

You are their father. You need to be a good role model. You failed yes...but NOW is what their going to look st. If they've stolen something from a store....do you have them go back to the owner and apologize or do you tell them to stash it away and hope no one finds out? What role model do you want to be for those kids you love so much?

 

There should be lots of therapy and family therapy and a resolution to everything before the kids are told.

[mercy]

I feel like I am already there....I took the day off just to muster courage to get help on this forum....honestly, just talking about it to strangers has been a relief....

 

I needed this...more than imagined....I am starting to tack out of the fog...

 

You are going to be okay. Baby steps with the rest, but honestly I don't know why but I feel you can trust your wife. Turn to her. Cling to her. Seek who you were before this mess, who you really are. Who are you? That moral Godly upstanding man. Are you a husband that can be worshiped, adored and trusted or are you one that lies and shames himself.

 

It really is all up to you.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Straight through....that is where my heavy heart is coming from. The guilt is unbearable. That kid is my kid, I know, it really is such a heavy statement but you have no idea how painful reality is........no words can describe what I am suffering know I have a kid out there that I am keeping as a secret....you have no idea what it does to me daily.....

 

Stop with the pity party - you chose these circumstances. Your wife and children did not. Whatever you feel now will be absolutely worse for your son and the life you have condemned him to. You are not a victim. Neither is OW. She chose her lot.

 

On top of that - unprotected sex with another woman puts your wife's health at risk and therefore your children. You have not given your wife the agency to make choices for her own health and wellbeing.

 

This will not remain a secret forever. Nor should it. This boy has a right to know his parentage and your wife deserves to know the kind of man she is married to. She deserves to know that family money is being squirrelled away to support another child. And she needs to be able to protect her own children. Do you know the legal ramifications if your OW decides to file for child support before your wife? It most likely means she gets first bite at your salary for child support and what's left will go to your existing children. You need to give her the knowledge to protect the children of the marriage because your OW will not be happy hiding her child in the shadows now that she has no chance at an open relationship with you.

 

You cannot hide this forever. You can only minimise the damage done.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am unprepared to face my kids though, that's where the coward soles are dancing around the whole topic...my mother raised my brothers and I after my father leaving us...I promised myself to never do the same to my kids when I had them... I do now and cannot face them if the truth was to come out and having to go through divorce.....it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it....

 

Interesting how many WS confuse the deed and the discovery. The deed has already been done. Regardless of what you promised yourself, you have become that person. You don't control what has already happened, those options lie with the people it happened to. Many have cautioned you about the OW contacting you wife - what about an illegitimate teenage son calling her 18 years from now?

 

You do however control for now the discovery. You can be ahead of the curve by telling or run over by the train when it comes out. That's the full extent of your ability to manage the situation and the only thing you should focus on now...

 

Mr. Lucky

[cocorico]

@aileD

my mother raised my brothers and I after my father leaving us...I promised myself to never do the same to my kids when I had them...

 

Really? Yet that's exactly what you're planning to do:

 

her kid will never know his real father...

 

Oh, sorry, that's *her* kid, nothing to do with _you_... You work for her, she has power over you, forced you into the relationship against your will, punctured the condom, raped you...

 

I don't know where you live, or if any laws in your country are on your side, but where I'm from - a boss taking advantage of an employee (which is how it is seen by the law, especially if the boss is a man and the employee a woman) is guilty of sexual harassment because he has the power of employment over the woman. If she's wise, she's already briefed her lawyer on that, and he'll be seeking a hefty settlement in addition to child support (at the level offered to your other kids) and any other damages she seeks in relation to her reputation, loss of livelihood, etc. And once the sheriff serves the summons at your home address, good luck keeping it from your wife and other kids.

 

Of course, that assumes she's fair. If she wants to play dirty, she could get really mean. If she knows, for example, that you pretend to be religious, she could arrive at your church one Sunday with your child and loudly suggest to him that they sit "with Daddy". Or she could send a card from your child to "granny and grandad" with photos, introducing him to your parents. Or even to your wife. She's probably already spoken to your HR people.

 

It's foolish to think it's not going to come out. It's merely a question of when, and how. You currently still have a chance to take control of the narrative, and control when, how, and from whom your wife hears. You won't have that chance for long. Three days ago you broke off the A. You don't know how far along the line your child's mother is with speaking to lawyers, HR, others... but no one has *yet* contacted your wife. Don't you want to be first? Or would you rather arrive home to find her in a heap, shaking, your kids confused and traumatised, the contents of a Manila envelope with photographs, lawyer's letters and possibly a demand for a DNA test from the courts, spread over the dining room table? Or maybe even the door locked and your clothes in a black rubbish bag on the lawn? You have the choice if you act now. If you leave it, she'll find out from others who will spin it to portray you in the worst possible light, and she'll wonder why you lied to her for three years with no attempt to enlighten her - and any chance you may have of explaining will be forever lost.

[1966Seahorse]

.... yes, we all make mistakes in our lives but your one is kinda "up there" above most.

 

1 - Did your OW break off her wedding because of the affair she was having with you?

2 - Had you both talked about her breaking off her wedding so you two could work things out and have a future together?

 

(I haven't, at this time, read all replies to your thread - sorry if the above have been answered).

 

You say the child you have with the OW will never know its father .... when I read that I truly felt something kick at my own heart .... I was brought up with my real father's identity kept from me - to this day (and I am nearly 51 years old) I have never been informed anything about him - who he was, his name, where he lives/lived - absolutely nothing - this has ****ed me up in the head no end and I cannot let this lie within me - I am extremely bitter over this and NOTHING will ever change that ... and you say you are going down the same route - well let me tell you, your child with the OW will be ****ed up too ... I really wish I could sit down with you in real life and tell you how the same thing has messed me up - so you can see in my eyes just how WRONG this decision of yours is.

 

And, yeah, maybe the OW was taking contraception but .... come on ... you are both adults - you being married with children - using condoms as well should have been a foregone conclusion ... I am just gobsmacked at this .... and I feel so sorry for your wife feeling the same p e n i s inside her that has just been dipped in to someone else.

 

You say the affair is extremely addictive ... yeah, of course it is .... you and the OW have never lived together in a proper family unit .... it has all been crafty meetings behind your wife and children's backs ... when two people are conducting an affair they only see the good side in each other - you never see the 24/7 reality of each other.

 

The OW works for you .... if you both decide to stop the affair would it not make more sense for the OW to find alternative employment where you will not be seeing each other all the time? But then again, it sounds to me as if the OW has quite a hold on you .... tbh she holds all the cards - she wants to continue the affair with you, she wants to be with you ... your whole life with your wife and children can come crashing down within, literally, 5 seconds if the OW decides ..... think about that .... you are living 24/7 not knowing if your wife is about to find out about your double life ... that is a massive pressure to put on yourself and carry on living as such .... this can (and probably will) make you so ill.

 

I feel so, so sorry for your wife .... put yourself in her shoes .... how would you like to find out your o/h has been having an affair behind your back for 3 years AND created a child ..... I personally cannot even being to imagine how this would tear me apart.

 

YES .... IMHO you do need to come clean to your wife .... you need to be 100% honest and admit to everything ..... whatever ultimately happens will be in your wife's hands - and why shouldn't it be?? The outcome is what she deserves - not you. Yes, confession will practically blow her apart .... but at least it gives HER the chance to eventually move forward with her life in a way that she deserves ... and maybe she will choose to end your marriage - could you honestly blame her?

 

I could go on and on ... as most posters could here I am guessing .... but I will stop now - confession is BY FAR the best way forward ... but, you decide.

 

Sorry if this sounds harsh .... I am just saying it exactly how it is to one outsider - me.

Edited April 29, 2017 by 1966Seahorse
I Wasn't happy with one of my statements!

[elaine567]

Listen to Coco, this is going to be impossible to keep secret. YOU have only got away with it so far as your OW had the hope of the two of you being together at some point.

Take that away and she is a loose cannon, capable of anything.

Yes, you at the moment control her job and the allowance she gets for her son, but she can get another job and force you to pay for her son anyway.

She will always be a text/phone call/email/talk/lawyer away from blowing up your world...

 

YOU may or may not be able to placate her in the short term, but I guess this is all going to come out sometime.

 

Even if there is no malice involved on her part, I guess the people at your work know about the affair. Few workplace affairs go unnoticed no matter how careful you may think you are being. People are not stupid. I guess they already suspect who the father is.

The gossip may eventually get back to your wife, your son may turn out to look like your double, so there may be difficulty denying he is yours, DNA may not be necessary...

(Are you on his birth certificate?)

 

I guess at some point your OW may let it slip who the father of her baby is, to her parents, a work colleague, a friend, her new man... I would guess those closest to her know already.

 

We are not talking a secret to be kept for a few weeks, this is potentially years and decades... sometime, someone, somewhere will let the cat out of the bag.

Of course your son will also want to know who his father is, the time of keeping illegitimate children secret and in the dark is long gone. His mother WILL feel obliged to tell him at some point.

 

There is no magic solution here, you have to tell your wife, you have no other real option.

[VicXC]

 

 

The only way she tricked you is if she didn't tell you she missed a pill. If you knew in advance there was a chance for pregnancy, you should have used another method.

 

 

?

 

She did not tell me till after she found out she was pregnant......the day she found out, she told me she hadn't been taking her pills regularly.....

[Rebelnoir]

I do need advice...I really do. Your summary is accurate. In my mind, I've ruined one life already, why ruin my marriage and current family? Not the best decision, but I need advice if it's the best course to minimize the amount of people hurt.

 

The OW, will still work for me and I'll have to minimize non-work related interaction. The kid, which is the most guilt I have, is what I need advice about.

 

For the other posters, have you considered the OW did this on purpose? She knew I was married, knew I had kids, but continued the affair and "forgot her pills" on one of our intimate days..... she met my wife and knows her but continues with the A.

 

What I need help with is getting out. I've ended the A and told the OW I don't want her anymore...the missing her part is killing me....

 

Wow. A few thoughts. Thank you for showing me what my future would have been if I stayed with my MM.

 

Please stop acting like the victim here. Your wife is the victim. To a certain extent the OW is the victim in some ways, but you really aren't.

 

Do you really believe you can hide a child from your wife forever? Do you really believe the OW will not try and do what she thinks is right for her child if you end this? My MM ended things with me to R with his wife. It hurts but I can see him for what he is, and I will let him go so he can have the life he wants. However, if we had a child together there is no way I would just let him walk away. I would tell his wife. I wouldn't allow my child to become a dirty, shameful secret. There is a very real chance your OW will do this, and it will cause your wife so much more pain than you being honest.

 

I don't know the ins and outs of your contraceptive choices with the OW, but the responsibility to stop a pregnancy falls on you both, not just her. If you didn't trust her (which you clearly don't from your statement above) then use a ****ing condom. You know how sex works.

 

Do the OW met your wife and still continues the affair? You're MARRIED to your wife. You see her every day and you still continue the affair. Again, the OW is not solely responsible for this, she can't have an affair with you unless you're a willing participant.

 

I'm sorry if I'm being harsh, but I really do think you need a reality check. You are in such a tough situation. You've created it so now you have to have the guts to do what you can to fix this.

 

It doesn't sound like you want to be with the OW. Your wife sounds like she is fantastic. So as others have said here, step up to the plate and be honest. Do the right thing for the first time in a long time. Let her make choices based on reality, not a version of reality you present to her. If you don't I can pretty much guarantee it will blow up in your face one day. My MM is refusing to tell his wife many truths about him. I love him, but honestly I might tell his wife because I do think she deserves to know. If I had a child, no doubt I would.

 

You've asked for support, and you are getting it. People have told you what to do, I really hope you do it.

[VicXC]

@seahorse....

That's the guilt I feel the most weight from,...the kid growing up not knowing his real father. Not having a lineage or identity....very excruciating to carry around...

 

I am going to follow @aileD's recommendation and talk to my church elder about next steps...I need this guilt off of me and I need to move on, despite how ugly it's going to get...

[aileD]

It doesn't matter. Even on the pill, you can get pregnant. YOU chose to:

A. Sleep with someone not your wife

B. Not use a condom

C. Finish inside her

D. Trust a person who already has a history of bad moral behavior.

 

 

She may have trapped you but YOU put yourself in a position where it was possible.

 

 

All of the other stuff doesn't matter. The child is here. You can't hide that. How old is it? What's it's name? How often do you see it? Is it a boy or girl?

 

Everyone said some good stuff to you and the one you chose to reply to was about the OW tricking you. Please. Be present in your life.

[gettingstronger]

This isn't going to work as is for the long run- you'll need to come clean with your wife and/or have the OW get another job. If you can't do either, preferably both eventually, you should leave your wife. You're setting her up for a world of pain. Those really are your only options.

[Life lessons]

I read your thread and it was mentioned numerous times that the other woman may notify your wife of the affair and child, but you haven't addressed this!?

 

I'm curious as to why you aren't worried about this!? Are you payin her (the OW) off, per say?

 

It doesn't seem that you think there's any chance the OW will tell your wife! I'm curious why this is!

[BaileyB]

She did not tell me till after she found out she was pregnant......the day she found out, she told me she hadn't been taking her pills regularly.....

 

That was your first mistake... to trust this woman.

 

Your second mistake... to trust this woman not to tell your wife. As she realizes that you have left her to raise the child alone, she will become more angry and more upset. You can never trust that she will not tell your wife - the truth will come out. If not this woman, then her son who is bound to come knocking on your door someday when he wants to meet his father...

 

The only thing you control now is when/how to share this information with your wife. Others are right, best your wife and children learn that you made a mistake and you want to make ammends than to wait to be discovered, when they will learn that you have cheated, lied to them, and abandoned your child.