JuneL Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 Actually I think you can explain to your agent that your dad thought you're not ready to buy, and tell him it has nothing to do with him as an agent and offer to take him out for a drink to express that you're sorry he has spent the time on your house search. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 Actually I think you can explain to your agent that your dad thought you're not ready to buy, and tell him it has nothing to do with him as an agent and offer to take him out for a drink to express that you're sorry he has spent the time on your house search. Well, I don't think telling him it had "nothing to do with him" is a good idea because it actually had everything to do with him. What if they ended up getting married? Could make for awkward family dinner convo someday when Dad says, "Ya know, real estate man, I really had you pegged wrong when I fired you all those years ago. I'm glad my smart daughter gave you another shot!" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 Stop picking apart the wording....Parents get this completely... You might wear out the rolly eye smiley any day now - watch out, what would you do without it. From one parent to another, I would never think of my grown child as "something I need to protect." Sure I feel protective over her and I will tell her my opinions, also I think she needs to make her own decisions and learn from them whether they are good or bad ones. Also I might cosign on a loan but definitely not pay for half of her home. If you actually bothered to read HER words, she thinks the world of her parents...What some people find controlling, others view as concern.. I actually have read this whole thread and contributed. I realize she thinks the world of her parents. That doesn't change the fact that her father is behaving in an extremely controlling manner. OP, I know this may be off topic but since this thread includes your father's behavior and a romantic interest you had, I will say that if you change your relationship with your dad, your experiences with men will change for the better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 Change the relationship with her father in what way? How? I'm asking as the father of 23 year old daughter who went through the home buying process last year. I think I understand the concerns a father might have. Can you explain what she should change? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 Just one word in defense of Dreamboat, if your budget is too low for the market, the realtor ends up having to show you things he normally wouldn't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 @Lana: she is in CT, I don't see why it is a bad but. Of course she needs to factor in what you said but I'm assuming that's for granted if she's considering purchase. @Midnight: 23 and 31 are completely different ages for a person. That's why people comment she shouldn't be that dependent on the dad... at 23 - it is more understandable @Shining: that's exactly how my agent will respond: e.g. I'd need to put 30K in a place to fix it but it is 30K under my max price, so he'd show it to me... Having said that I have spent at least 10K so far on unexpected things to fix ... But I assume every home buyer considers some buffer money for such stuff 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dis Posted July 3, 2017 Author Share Posted July 3, 2017 (edited) Thanks for all your replies everyone! I dont know why, but I had this feeling that I couldnt fire my agent I went against my Dad's 'orders' (yes I will call them that at this point ) I told him my Dad's concerns and that if I dont find something within the next 30 days, I would have to switch agents I have no idea why I couldnt bring myself to fire him. Part of it is, because I have him as my agent I have access to a RE portal which is much better than craigslist or Zillow. Its really helpful. Plus, although he may not be the best agent, he has tried his best I think The other part of the equation...I have no idea. I really dont feel I'm that interested in him anymore so its not my feelings getting in the way No clue... His response to all this? The guy is either really professional and indifferent or he took it personally. I told him I was so sorry about all this. He said, for what? I told him I'm sorry for the confusion and the 30 day thing. He said he didnt take it personally. He was kind of cold about it. I told my RE friend about his reaction and she said his feelings got hurt because he's been working on this for 3 months and now he might be a$$ed out Or he doesnt really care Not sure... Edited July 3, 2017 by Disillusionment373 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dis Posted July 3, 2017 Author Share Posted July 3, 2017 How can you have a healthy relationship with any grown man while your dad (who does seem awesome in his own way, and I actually understand/support his anger about the house) still calls all the shots? If I was single I would never date someone who was completely financially dependent on their parents. Dating is hard enough and you're bringing a third wheel and a lot of baggage into it. Dating has never been a problem when it comes to my Dad or my financial status My Dad is very indifferent in regards to my dating life He might be overbearing with certain things but he's helped all of my bfs with their cars, employment, everything else He would give the shirt of his back to help others. My bfs have all liked my Dad and appreciated his help 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dis Posted July 3, 2017 Author Share Posted July 3, 2017 I think Dad is off limits to criticism here. It's a long thread, but if you read the posts about how close she is to her family, then you don't go there. Thanks Maggie I dont mind posters commenting on my Dad because I brought him up But when posters start go way off track and claim my relationship with my Dad is somehow effecting my dating life, its not only untrue but its a little too far fetched I've had many problems in my dating life, being cheated on, love bombed, just OLDing in general...but my Dad or my relationship with him isnt one of the problems Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dis Posted July 4, 2017 Author Share Posted July 4, 2017 That gets the message across and leaves the ball in his court to ask you out on a date. But don't hold your breath... One thing is for sure: this is a bust, romantically speaking. It sounds like your former agent is furious and wants nothing to do with you or your father. You'll need to find another gentleman to date. Well I dont know about this I've been very polite, gracious and easy going throughout this process My agent never expressed anger of frustration in regards to my dad or anything else. He said he was nervous to meet him but thats it Not sure where you're drawing these conclusions from Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 Change the relationship with her father in what way? How? I'm asking as the father of 23 year old daughter who went through the home buying process last year. I think I understand the concerns a father might have. Can you explain what she should change? I'm surprised that everyone here thinks it's normal and loving for a father to offer to pay for half of a home purchase but then withdraw because of this "mistake," shaming her and blowing her phone up over it for days afterwards. I'm talking about his behavior towards the OP; the attitude towards the real estate agent I can understand somewhat. Sounds like boundary issues. I think it's healthy when parents accept their grown kids as adults. If the OP wanted it to be different she would need to assume the role of a woman in her 30's rather than "daddy's little girl." That's my point of view. I understand that you, OP, appear to be completely fine with all of this and most of the other posters here are too. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 I cannot imagine asking or accepting help from my girlfriend's father for a car, job, or "everything else" at age 30. That is for an in-law, not a boyfriend, and even then that's not an everyday thing. Of course I can't imagine being in a situation where I have to date an adult wholly under their father's control, but I guess if there's enough free stuff in it for me then I might as well. Apparently it's totally normal to pay all the bills and living expenses for your grown adult children, determine whether they're sufficiently independent to be on their own, and micromanage their lives (per OP's own words earlier in the thread). And anyone who even questions this arrangement is the weird one? Yeah, I'm out. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 Hahaha! Well, according to a friend who is a RE agent, she says he's going to be really pissed so I shouldnt ask So now I'm conflicted I dont know if its a good idea considering we're parting ways because I'm firing him Thats the new dilemma I don't think that will matter. Going by your pictures, I'd still date you if you crashed into my car and ran over my dog. If I had a dog. You still have a shot with the guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 Well I dont know about this I've been very polite, gracious and easy going throughout this process My agent never expressed anger of frustration in regards to my dad or anything else. He said he was nervous to meet him but thats it Not sure where you're drawing these conclusions from Not many guys would get "furious" over something like that....Its just not behavior that any guy would display under those circumstances ..He's probably feeling a bit embarrassed that he got called out, and that might explain why he's being distant...I dunno... TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 I don't think her dad's behavior is out of line. He clearly just wants to protect her. Having a close and loving relationship with your family is the most wonderful thing in the world. I also don't think he was trying to control her in any way, he just expressed his concern. If you are lucky, your family are the only people in the world who will look out for you without an ulterior motive. I often face lack of understanding from people that don't have that type of bond with their parents. For example, when I started wanting to travel, my dad expressed his concern. He is not an adventurer, he kept pointing out the risks and he was especially afraid of plane crashes. It was something I always longed to do so he stepped back. We settled on me always sending him my flight details and texting him when I landed. I now fly every few weeks and often do long haul flights. My dad is sitting at home with his ipad, on something like flight tracker. com and is monitoring my flights every step of the way. He doesn't go to sleep until my plane has landed safely It doesn't matter if I am 20 or 50. It makes me feel so loved I am not sure why people want to make something negative out of something that's such an obvious blessing. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 Well I dont know about this I've been very polite, gracious and easy going throughout this process My agent never expressed anger of frustration in regards to my dad or anything else. He said he was nervous to meet him but thats it Not sure where you're drawing these conclusions from I just haven't seen anything in this thread to indicate that he's interested in dating you. Add in your controlling father, his time wasted, five pets, and...who knows what else...and...I could be wrong. (He may not want to lie to another agent about your five pets. That could hurt his reputation if found out.). It also seems like you like him because you've been around him a lot and he's available as opposed to actually liking him. But who knows? I guess you'll find out soon enough. (Please try to find a rental soon so you can stop wasting his time.) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 My Dad found out on his own that my agent showed me a house that had a damaged well and septic tank. The damage wasnt an easy fix. My Dad says my agent knew about it as it was stated on the listing but showed it to me anyway. I had already told my agent I couldnt buy a house that needed substantial repairs. My Dad was furious... That is not a mistake, that is pure dishonesty and your father is right to flush this agent. Your agent is suppose to have your best interest at heart, he's there to protect you in this transaction. What he did is sneaky and dishonest and I cannot beleive a man that had a bit of interest in a client would have gone that route. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Midnight.Amber Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 (edited) Under certain circumstances, I could understand her dad supporting her while she is in school, esp nursing school, as nursing school is very difficult. In my situation, as I said earlier, I worked at night while attending school, I didn't feel comfortable accepting $$ from my dad to support me, it was enough that he was paying for my education and I appreciated that. And doing so changed the entire dynamic of our relationship, one from being his "little girl" he needs to protect and shelter (and still had control over) to that of a mature, independent responsible adult whom he respected. I preferred it that way, my choice. We had the BEST relationship, talked about everything under the sun politics, relationships, heartbreaks, life, the world, it was awesome. As for the OP, she has 75K in the bank, so don't quite get why her dad should need to support (pay rent, food, clothing, etc), and why OP would even want to accept such arrangement. Unless it's a cultural thing, perhaps it is. She is 31, not 22. I dont know I guess I am sounding kinda judgy, which isn't right, so I'll leave it at that. OP is okay with it, her dad is okay with it, that's all that matters. Good luck disillusionment! Edited July 4, 2017 by Midnight.Amber 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 I really do think it's ok to help your child out financially while they're in school, especially in a difficult program like nursing. You want them to help them succeed in that and help them set themselves up. It'd be different if they weren't doing anything to move towards independence and still codependent on their parent (like my ex-bf at 43). And yes, there will always be an element of control while receiving financial help from anyone. That's the sucky part. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 (edited) Topic slided from OP-agent to OP-father ... My 5 cents for the adult children & parents: it is nice parents to offer, and adult children to politely reject. That is the way to create healthy dynamics I think: children feel loved but do not speculate. I think same goes in romantic relationships. Financial support should be left for emergencies. In my culture if anything adult children usually support their parents, not other way round (parents reciprocate with doing stuff, like helping out with the grandchildren). Usually the idea is that children outearn the parents quickly after finishing school... So it makes sense to reverse the roles. Regarding agent: I don't think is toast if still in touch but after he's fired it will be over ... so it is now or never. Edited July 4, 2017 by No_Go 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Midnight.Amber Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 I really do think it's ok to help your child out financially while they're in school, especially in a difficult program like nursing. You want them to help them succeed in that and help them set themselves up. It'd be different if they weren't doing anything to move towards independence and still codependent on their parent (like my ex-bf at 43). And yes, there will always be an element of control while receiving financial help from anyone. That's the sucky part. Even when your child has her own financial resources to support her/himself without working? Again, OP has 75K in the bank. She lives in Connecticut, US, but we still don't know what culture, so maybe that's the difference. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 To be fair it was probably mentioned in the MLS - and they didn't put an offer to my understanding, so I don't see the big deal. Everything before P&S is just talk and can be reversed in a snap. It is not like the agent made a bad deal - he was just doing showings (I used to visit like 12 houses per weekend before I bought, some just to get an idea what is out there). That is not a mistake, that is pure dishonesty and your father is right to flush this agent. Your agent is suppose to have your best interest at heart, he's there to protect you in this transaction. What he did is sneaky and dishonest and I cannot beleive a man that had a bit of interest in a client would have gone that route. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 Even when your child has her own financial resources to support her/himself without working? Again, OP has 75K in the bank. She lives in Connecticut, US, but we still don't know what culture, so maybe that's the difference. Maybe they had an agreement that that money was earmarked for a downpayment for a house. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 I will not criticize your father - because you are the one allowing and even encouraging what he is doing. I won't say that adult children cannot accept monetary gifts or that parents cannot offer it (it's fairly normal in my culture, although the recipients are typically younger than your age), but a gift should be something that is given freely. In your case, the "gift" is something that can be retracted as "punishment", requiring your adherence to his wishes to keep it - ergo not really a gift, but a means of control. Allowing your parents that much control over what you do is, IMO, going to set you back as an adult. Do you genuinely think you could maintain a healthy adult relationship if you are still being controlled by your parents? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Midnight.Amber Posted July 4, 2017 Share Posted July 4, 2017 Maybe they had an agreement that that money was earmarked for a downpayment for a house. Sure anything is possible. Live and let live, whatever works for them. Not everyone needs to understand it or agree, doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, including me! Just spouting off thoughts, disillusiinment can ignore and probably should. Do what she feels is best for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts