I think I hate my Mom

[IngaS]

I’m an only child. My Dad is disabled after a car crash when I was young. He needs constant care, showering, feeding, toilet, the whole lot.

 

For years Mom would go out on the weekend with friends and I would be stuck at home caring for Dad. I barely had a life myself but figured Mom deserved this time for herself.

 

I’m 23 now, I still live at home. I have had 2 relationships with boys but they had no chance of lasting as I could barely ever go out with them. They lasted no more than 2 months each. I had a relationship with another girl. I don’t even think I’m attracted to girls but they seem to understand the situation better and are not so demanding of my time. That lasted almost a year before she couldn’t handle it anymore.

 

Now I find out that when Mom was going out that she was going out with her boyfriend. Look I understand her needs, she needs to get out, she needs sex, but what about me? It should have been me at a party kissing the wrong guy and getting in trouble. It should have been me drinking too much and making a fool of myself. It should have been me doing all the stupid things kids do growing up. But I have missed all that so that my Mom could basically go out and do all that instead of me.

 

I have refused for the last 6 months to care for Dad on weekends so that I can start to live my life. I honestly have no friends and sometimes end up going to the movies alone or even just sitting in my car alone but I’m not going to allow her to use me anymore. Mom is telling me how selfish I am but cannot see her own selfishness.

 

So Mom has now started going out on weekends again and she has organized a carer to come in and be with Dad during this time. I feel so sorry for Dad having to have these strangers come in and do and see everything. It makes him embarrassed. So now I feel guilty because I could, maybe should, be giving up my time for him.

 

I just have this hatred of my Mom right now. I can’t shake it. I am 23 and alone, not just in terms of a relationship, but friends as well. I have no savings as I put all my money into the house and for bills. I’m in this situation just so Mom could go out and party and f*ck.

 

Is it wrong of me to move out and start my own life? Mum can look after herself but what about Dad? I have spoken to him and he says he understands and tells me to go. I think he’s just saying what is right not what he wants. And I’m not saying Mom didn’t deserve to go out, but why couldn’t it have been one weekend for her and one for me? If I was lucky I would have had one weekend out of 5 or 6.

 

Is my anger misplaced?

[darkmoon]

not misplaced, but pointless, just move out

[IngaS]

not misplaced, but pointless, just move out

 

But what about Dad? He deserves to have family looking after him, not being always handed off to carer's just so Mom can party.

[whichwayisup]

But what about Dad? He deserves to have family looking after him, not being always handed off to carer's just so Mom can party.

What other family do you have? Uncles or aunts?

 

Your mom needs to get out too but she's taking advantage and going out too much and leaving the responsibility to you which isn't fair.

[darkmoon]

have personal mobiles between your Dad and you, see what he says as time goes on

[Mr. Lucky]

But what about Dad? He deserves to have family looking after him, not being always handed off to carer's just so Mom can party.

 

Tough situation all around. I will point out you seem to be blaming your Mom for wanting the same thing you do - a life. No parent, regardless of their situation, wants their kid chained to their bedpost for the child's life, your Dad included.

 

Be generous with your time when it comes to him and chip in and help when you can. But, at 23, you should move out, pursue your education and get started in life. It's the best way to honor your family...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ronni_W]

Hi IngaS.

 

Your perspective and belief around this is, “Dad deserves to have family looking after him, not being always handed off to carer's” – and that is yours and nobody can take it away from you. If you make adult, free-will decisions and choices to sacrifice your own social life and healthy growth and development, then you cannot blame that on your mom nor hold any anger, resentment and hatred against her. SHE is not forcing you to sacrifice and stay home; the choice is coming from your own individual viewpoint, which you have the right to have.

 

At the same time, your mom obviously does not share your perspective and belief around this, and a different one cannot be forced upon her, either. She’s making her own decisions and choices from her own psyche and psychology.

 

I have spoken to him and he says he understands and tells me to go. I think he’s just saying what is right not what he wants.

 

In that this is actually an expression of a thought or belief that you know better than your Dad what he wants, it is a disrespecting of his words or an ignoring of what he said over your own view/want/feelings about it.

 

Is there any reason that your dad would lie to you? Or, is it possible that your dad actually does understand and does want for you what will make you happy and

give you opportunities to grow and learn?

 

...Dad having to have these strangers come in and do and see everything. It makes him embarrassed

 

Has your dad specifically said that it embarrasses him, or is it more of a projection of your own psyche onto the situation?

 

Could you have a conversation with your mom about perhaps sharing ‘weekend duties’, as it were? Alternating weekends, or every two weekends, or somesuch of schedule? Where each would be flexible if there was some special concert, wedding, party, etc.