MM vanished

[IwasJeannie]

How do they just disappear after 2 years? 2 years of almost daily conversations, multiple times a day. Intimate moments, shared lunches and dinners, Sharing hopes and fears, intimate details of our lives, relying on each other for comfort and helping each other with work and giving and receiving advice. Basically being best friends, he told me I was the closest person to him, that I was his "Dream girl". He was my best friend, my confidant. Then he vanishes into thin air. How do they just turn it off and leave a wreckage behind without a single word? How do you do that to someone you supposedly care about?

 

I'm not a young girl, I'm not naive. I know he was married and that when push came to shove he would have to pick her but how did he just turn it off and become so callous? Maybe I'm not owed anything but my heart is in pieces and he doesn't care. How does one do that because I'd give anything to be able to not care about him right now.

[Minnie09]

He will be back. Don't worry. He does owe you certain things, after two years. And even though he's married, if you have had a relationship that's been ongoing for two years, there is something more going on than just sex or whatever. So I'm sure he'll be back. He might just be struggling with some M, family or other issues that he doesn't want to burden you with. Been there done that.....mm often withdraw rather than share, if there's something they're dealing with, which is either serious or sudden or both.

[aileD]

Because you were not his first choice. You filled a void for him and now you're no longer useful to him. Either his wife found out, or you were getting too clingy or wanting too much, or he found someone else.

 

It's the nature of affairs. Same old story. A million women here can tell you how their MM did the same thing.

 

Don't worry though. He'll be back. When things die down at home or new chick fizzles out he knows you're an easy mark so he'll come sniffing around again.

 

It's your job between then and now to realize that you deserve better then all this and he's not worth it. Please work really hard at this otherwise you'll have more years of hell.

 

I'm sorry you're in pain. You knew he was married though

[whichwayisup]

You're talking about a man who has lied, cheated and betrayed his wife by cheating on her with you. You're not more special than his wife, he doesn't respect you or her and this is the woman he said vows to in front of family and friends!

 

Chances are his wife found out about the affair and he's cut you out. He's made a decision to save his marriage and do what is required, go NC with you. If he has any chance of regaining his wife's trust again he has to walk away from you.

 

I'm sure you'll hear from him again. Just be prepared for some bullcrap. If he does contact you, tell him goodbye and that you deserve a man who is free and single to be with you, not him who is married.

Edited April 30, 2017 by whichwayisup

[IwasJeannie]

Yes, I know you are all right. I did know he was married and I can't argue the fact that if he could do what he did to her than he's not really a great guy. My head knows this, my heart keeps telling me lies.

 

If he was caught then I understand why he would disappear but I haven't received a NC letter or anything from her. He's never disappeared in 2 years, not once. I would love to be able to get to the point where if he does return I won't care. I don't want to do this anymore, I just don't know how to turn it off. It's too painful to continue but the way he did it is so cruel and I'm having a very hard time with it.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, I know you are all right. I did know he was married and I can't argue the fact that if he could do what he did to her than he's not really a great guy. My head knows this, my heart keeps telling me lies.

 

If he was caught then I understand why he would disappear but I haven't received a NC letter or anything from her. He's never disappeared in 2 years, not once. I would love to be able to get to the point where if he does return I won't care. I don't want to do this anymore, I just don't know how to turn it off. It's too painful to continue but the way he did it is so cruel and I'm having a very hard time with it.

 

You may not hear from her telling you to stay away from her husband.

 

He has no balls to tell you it's over so he's run away.

 

Keep listening to your head but allow yourself to cry it out and grieve the loss.

 

Right now YOU are in control. If you truly want out of this and want to find a great single man to have a relationship with, then you have to grieve the loss and decide to say NO to him when he contacts you again in the future. It'll be hard but it's something you need to do if you want a husband, children etc. This MM isn't going to leave his wife and start a new life with you.

[bluefeather]

How do you do that to someone you supposedly care about?

 

That's probably what his wife would be asking too if she knew. Remember: in an affair, the same person who you trust is constantly lying.

[IwasJeannie]

I'm divorced and have children. I'm not looking to make another family, that's probably why I let myself be led down this road. I thought I could do it, I thought it "worked" for me.

 

I never asked him to leave her or gave him ultimatums. If he had left I wouldn't have turned him away but I wanted him to make that decision. He's obviously made his choice.

 

The biggest loss to me right now is the friendship. When I was beginning a new career he helped me get started, when that career took off we became equals as I had success very quickly and we bounced things off each other daily in regards to our respective careers. I miss that, already.

 

My dad passed away last year and in some ways MM took over being my cheerleader and encouraging me like my dad had always done. I just feel lost without that now.

 

I know it's just time. That I'll eventually be ok but tonight I sure don't feel that way.

[Marc878]

His wife probably found out so you got dumped.

 

In the future don't hitch your wagon to a cheating star. Affairs are fantasies that usually go up in a cloud of smoke. Like this one.

[Jemima1234]

I'm divorced and have children. I'm not looking to make another family, that's probably why I let myself be led down this road. I thought I could do it, I thought it "worked" for me.

 

I never asked him to leave her or gave him ultimatums. If he had left I wouldn't have turned him away but I wanted him to make that decision. He's obviously made his choice.

 

The biggest loss to me right now is the friendship. When I was beginning a new career he helped me get started, when that career took off we became equals as I had success very quickly and we bounced things off each other daily in regards to our respective careers. I miss that, already.

 

My dad passed away last year and in some ways MM took over being my cheerleader and encouraging me like my dad had always done. I just feel lost without that now.

 

I know it's just time. That I'll eventually be ok but tonight I sure don't feel that way.

 

Oh I am so sorry that is so painful for you. I don't understand why MM can't at least give you an explanation - a text even!! Closure of some sort. How long is it since he last contacted you? And what was last contact? Have you tried to reach him?

[Overtaxed]

You're talking about a man who has lied, cheated and betrayed his wife by cheating on her with you. You're not more special than his wife, he doesn't respect you or her and this is the woman he said vows to in front of family and friends!

 

Chances are his wife found out about the affair and he's cut you out. He's made a decision to save his marriage and do what is required, go NC with you. If he has any chance of regaining his wife's trust again he has to walk away from you.

 

I'm sure you'll hear from him again. Just be prepared for some bullcrap. If he does contact you, tell him goodbye and that you deserve a man who is free and single to be with you, not him who is married.

 

To put a sharp point on it, you're a lot less special to him than his W. And he has no respect for you or for himself, but he may have some for his W, who he probably views as a saint, especially if she took him back after finding about what he's done. You can't compete with her position in his eyes, you're relationship is tainted because you had a relationship with knowing he was married, that's a very significant and impossible to overlook character flaw (if she did it with me, she'll do it with someone else) that almost no man can get over. He's shown your his character, this is not a man you want to hitch yourself to, even if he were available because he will do it to you, and with a lot less guilt than he carried doing it with his current W (well, she knew this is who I was and married me anyway, might as well sleep with this girl because she can't expect anything else from me).

 

I did know he was married and I can't argue the fact that if he could do what he did to her than he's not really a great guy.

 

He might be a fantastic guy. I'd probably love to meet him and hear his stories at the bar. Maybe he enjoys the same hobbies I do. Maybe we'd bond over a game of pool. But he's a terrible partner, and has something in him that's broken, perhaps beyond repair if he's engaged in a 2Y long A. Who knows how many other A's there are, how many times his wife has been through this, and, if you were so "lucky" as to land him, how many times you'd be through it. He doesn't respect you, and he doesn't even respect the woman he stood next to in open church and pledged his life to. You do NOT want this kind of man in your life, and you do not want to start a relationship with his cloud over your head. Look at the statistics, <10% (I've seen numbers that are 2-3%) of relationships that start as an A turn into a lasting marriage. And no telling how many of them are "conventional" relationships vs open marriage style arrangements. Him walking away and cutting you out are probably the best things that have happened to you in a long time; you've thrown away 2 years, why struggle to make it 5 or 10?

 

Right now YOU are in control.

 

And you always were. ALWAYS. You can't control how you feel, but you can control your actions; and you need to own that, right now, today, and start to do the things you need to do to build a happy life. "He" was never going to fix it for you, never going to make you happy, and never going to fill a hole in your heart, only YOU can do that. Own the awesome power and responsibility that comes with the statement "I can do anything I want to do today" because, that statement is true. Go meet another guy. Join a dating site. Take up a new hobby. Go to a bar, pick someone up and have passionate and meaningless sex. You ARE in control. You always have been, you just (and most people don't) see it. Take your strength and use it for something to make you feel good, or take it and wallow in your pain; it's up to you. But it's your decision.. And it always has been.

[elaine567]

An affair is a relationship like any other, there is no rule to say it is forever.

 

Yes, his wife maybe found out or she was highly suspicious so he stopped it dead in fear, or he felt the same way as many "ordinary" dumpers do.

 

Boredom had set in, had other options, wanted to play the field, incompatibility, didn't see it going anywhere. etc. etc.

 

Vanishing without a word is a pretty cruel way to end things, but it is definitely not unknown in all types of relationships.

 

I note you say you are not young, so the question needs asked.

Do you actually know he is OK, ie he is still alive/well?

[Tressugar]

One thing I do know about men they always return back to the scene of the crime. You'll hear from him whether it's for the good or for the bad.

[gettingstronger]

When my husbands affair was exposed he saw himself through my eyes and was disgusted with his actions. He did not want to contact our OW. I had to force the issue because no matter how hurt I was, I knew it was wrong to ghost anyone.

[IwasJeannie]

An affair is a relationship like any other, there is no rule to say it is forever.

 

Yes, his wife maybe found out or she was highly suspicious so he stopped it dead in fear, or he felt the same way as many "ordinary" dumpers do.

 

Boredom had set in, had other options, wanted to play the field, incompatibility, didn't see it going anywhere. etc. etc.

 

Vanishing without a word is a pretty cruel way to end things, but it is definitely not unknown in all types of relationships.

 

I note you say you are not young, so the question needs asked.

Do you actually know he is OK, ie he is still alive/well?

 

 

Yes, he's alive. My friend saw him and his wife on Friday

[DKT3]

Why would you expect him to tell you/give an explanation? He is cheating on his wife, so what character traits in that is displayed that would lead you to believe he is a stand up guy?

 

I think maybe if you can wrap your head around the fact, yes FACT, that he is not a great guy this clearly predictable outcome will be easier to accept.

[IwasJeannie]

Why would you expect him to tell you/give an explanation? He is cheating on his wife, so what character traits in that is displayed that would lead you to believe he is a stand up guy?

 

I think maybe if you can wrap your head around the fact, yes FACT, that he is not a great guy this clearly predictable outcome will be easier to accept.

 

Yes, I'm trying to wrap my head around that. I think I wanted him to be the man he pretended to be but he is the kind of man that cheats and lies to his wife no matter that he always claimed he wasn't a bad guy and didn't want to be a bad guy. Two years of him being with me says otherwise.

 

Even if he finally decided to try to make things right with her, ending things this way tells me he's a coward. It's just hard to believe I didn't mean enough to him for him to give me the courtesy.

 

I also find it hard to believe his reconciliation will be successful without honesty, I seriously doubt she knows anything. She may have suspicions but he will never come clean to her, he's too afraid of the consequences. He will go be a good boy for awhile but his marriage is a disaster. He's not the only one that told me that so I believe it to be true.

 

I just need to work on me so when he does come back around I won't be open to believing more of his lies. Maybe he's a decent guy but he hasn't done the decent thing by me and I need to keep telling myself that. It hurts though, I genuinely cared very deeply for him.

[Dog Woman]

At some point he'll be back. My ex MM always found a way of getting in touch though it might have been after months of no contact.He has just been in touch recently, on the pretence his ex wife wants to talk to me, which I didn't buy and after speaking to a therapist pyschologist, it has been confirmed to me that he was probably wanting to bring closure to us as he has a new girlfriend. The latest contact shook me a little and I'm now determined that NC means NC, though my therapist believes he probably won't try to contact me again. I made a terrible mistake getting involved with him in the first place, and I wouldn't recommend an affair to anyone after what it did to me. So even if your guy comes back to you, don't get sucked in again and try to move on with your life. It's hard to do but if you want to break free, then you have to go NC.

[bluefeather]

Do you actually know he is OK, ie he is still alive/well?

 

That is a part of what makes ghosting so hurtful. It can make people go through extreme worry and panic by not knowing if the person is ok, before realizing that they have been dumped.

 

IwasJeannie, if she doesn't know yet, he might also be doing this as a method of acting like he never knew you. The longer he can keep out of contact with you, the easier it will be for him to deny that any part of your relationship occurred. Meaning, out of sight, out of mind - making it easier to sweep under the rug, or even lie if he's ever confronted. However, time will tell if he will even be able to keep up with that, as he seems to have little integrity.

[sandylee1]

his marriage is a disaster. He's not the only one that told me that so I believe it to be true.

 

 

Are these other people in their marriage? Because no one really knows what goes on behind closed doors....but regardless... let's say his marriage is a disaster. He chooses to stay in married, of his own free will.

 

I just need to work on me so when he does come back around I won't be open to believing more of his lies. Maybe he's a decent guy but he hasn't done the decent thing by me

 

 

And he hasn't done the decent thing by his wife either. So how decent a guy is he really.

 

 

and I need to keep telling myself that. It hurts though, I genuinely cared very deeply for him.

 

 

 

This ghosting business ... you know that men do it in relationships that aren't affairs too. It's because those men are cowards and don't consider that you deserve even the minimum of letting you know it's over.

 

 

Now with affairs ... for a guy with the ghosting tendency ... it' so easy to use his marital status, as an excuse for ghosting you. maybe that's just the kind of guy he is., but because it's an affair ...you've made allowances and accepted things you wouldn't in a normal relationship.

[IwasJeannie]

as he seems to have little integrity.

 

Funny thing is I had convinced myself that he did have integrity. I know that sounds ridiculous given what he was doing to his wife. But I had a lot of repect for him in a business that is thick with unethical people. I admired and respected how he conducted himself in business and learned a lot from him.

 

He did tend to live in denial though. His wife got an STD and of course blamed him but he was tested twice and neither one of us has it but he still insisted she wouldn't cheat on him so he let her off the hook and believes it came from a towel or massage table. She can do no wrong, he hasn't even asked her why she has it and he doesn't. He just rug swept the whole incident. He claims they haven't had sex in over two years and I've seen emails with her confirming that and he believes that part of their relationship is over so he doesn't need to worry about it. He's a hypercondriac so I can't believe he'd expose himself yet he won't leave either.

 

Just writing this out is embarrassing, that I could get involved in this and actually think he's a good guy makes me feel foolish. Darn heart, hurry up and listen to the brain!

[sandylee1]

 

His wife got an STD and of course blamed him but he was tested twice and neither one of us has it but he still insisted she wouldn't cheat on him so he let her off the hook and believes it came from a towel or massage table. She can do no wrong,

 

 

Sounds like you're a little jealous of her and his trust in her.

 

 

he hasn't even asked her why she has it and he doesn't. He just rug swept the whole incident.

 

 

Because he avoids conflict and doesn't face issues, just like the affair.

 

 

He claims they haven't had sex in over two years and I've seen emails with her confirming that and he believes that part of their relationship is over so he doesn't need to worry about it. He's a hypercondriac so I can't believe he'd expose himself yet he won't leave either.

 

have you ever asked him why he won't leave?

 

 

I'm a little confused with the timings. You've been having an affair with him for 2 years and he hasn't slept with his wife in over 2 years. So how or why would he think he gave her the STD? Or was it before you and he got together?

 

 

What you don't know, is if he has or has had any other OWs while you've been with him.

[IwasJeannie]

You're right, I have no way of knowing if he's been with anyone else.

 

At the time she was diagnosed we were having an EA and had not been intimate so I knew for certain I had nothing to do with it. He claimed that they also had not been intimate for a year before she was diagnosed. Her letter to him telling him that she had it and blaming him included her telling him that her doctor and counselor assured her it could not have been dormant for 26 years and that it could not have been contracted by anything short of sexual contact.

 

When I asked him why he didn't ask her the same thing after it came to light that he didn't have it he just said he didn't believe she had it.

 

I'm not jealous of his trust in her, I think he's a fool. If he didn't cheat on her before me and he didn't have it or give it to her then where did she get it? If he wanted to ignore it that's his choice but acting like it didn't happen was strange.

 

Yes I've asked him why he wouldn't leave. He didn't want his grown children to be upset, he also said God would not forgive him. Again, ridiculous considering he was having an affair.

[freengreen]

When you dont anchor to anything... its easy.

He knew he had to perform a houdini some day, so he never got attached to anything.

[sandylee1]

You're right, I have no way of knowing if he's been with anyone else.

 

At the time she was diagnosed we were having an EA and had not been intimate so I knew for certain I had nothing to do with it. He claimed that they also had not been intimate for a year before she was diagnosed. Her letter to him telling him that she had it and blaming him included her telling him that her doctor and counselor assured her it could not have been dormant for 26 years and that it could not have been contracted by anything short of sexual contact.

 

When I asked him why he didn't ask her the same thing after it came to light that he didn't have it he just said he didn't believe she had it.

 

I'm not jealous of his trust in her, I think he's a fool. If he didn't cheat on her before me and he didn't have it or give it to her then where did she get it? If he wanted to ignore it that's his choice but acting like it didn't happen was strange.

 

Yes I've asked him why he wouldn't leave. He didn't want his grown children to be upset, he also said God would not forgive him. Again, ridiculous considering he was having an affair.

 

 

It does sound a bit strange to me. It was dormant for at least 1 year then, so it could have been dormant longer? Some STDs are dormant for a long time, but him not challenging her on it, kind of suggests to me he may have been up to something, so he just left it. Do you believe you're the only affair he's had?

 

 

The blind trust is quite something though, because she equally just seemed to leave the matter. Who knows if she was cheating and that was her strategy... just to get him to get tested by acting like the victim.

 

 

Regarding not forgiving him ...crazy indeed.