MM vanished

[aileD]

Funny thing is I had convinced myself that he did have integrity. I know that sounds ridiculous given what he was doing to his wife. But I had a lot of repect for him in a business that is thick with unethical people. I admired and respected how he conducted himself in business and learned a lot from him.

 

He did tend to live in denial though. His wife got an STD and of course blamed him but he was tested twice and neither one of us has it but he still insisted she wouldn't cheat on him so he let her off the hook and believes it came from a towel or massage table. She can do no wrong, he hasn't even asked her why she has it and he doesn't. He just rug swept the whole incident. He claims they haven't had sex in over two years and I've seen emails with her confirming that and he believes that part of their relationship is over so he doesn't need to worry about it. He's a hypercondriac so I can't believe he'd expose himself yet he won't leave either.

 

Just writing this out is embarrassing, that I could get involved in this and actually think he's a good guy makes me feel foolish. Darn heart, hurry up and listen to the brain!

 

And what about YOUR integrity?

[Tressugar]

The only STD that lies dormant is herpes. Op, gawd I hope you get tested. That's the gift that keeps on giving.

[Miss Clavel]

Yes, I know you are all right. I did know he was married and I can't argue the fact that if he could do what he did to her than he's not really a great guy. My head knows this, my heart keeps telling me lies.

 

If he was caught then I understand why he would disappear but I haven't received a NC letter or anything from her. He's never disappeared in 2 years, not once. I would love to be able to get to the point where if he does return I won't care. I don't want to do this anymore, I just don't know how to turn it off. It's too painful to continue but the way he did it is so cruel and I'm having a very hard time with it.

 

he's a cruel person. and if his wife found out, she feels worse than you do, trust me. and you have some measure of responsibility in that.

 

you, for the love of god, have to be worth more than this, right?

 

i think you might be. the way to tell is what you do next. which, hopefully is puncture his tires and change your phone number.

 

there is no way to get around the fact that you now KNOW what he thinks of you and what you mean to him.

 

tell yourself the facts. face the fact that your judgement and your best thinking led you here.

 

second best.

 

is this where you saw yourself at your age? gettin your hear ripped out by a fence sitting, cake eatin, dirty dealing, low down liar?

 

and if my insulting him hurts you, makes you want to defend him, then you haven't done your homework, defend your own life.

 

 

good luck

[jenkins95]

(((Jeannie))) I'm so sorry about your pain. You are amongst friends here.

 

I am a former cheater - MM in an affair. Inevitably I found myself having to choose, and like so many I chose my marriage. But to just ghost you like that without word or explanation? That does seem incredibly cruel beyond belief.

 

I am ashamed of my behaviour, but I did at least find enough decency in myself to talk to the OW and explain whey I felt that I owed it to my family to try to work on the marriage, discuss things, wish her the best, etc. It was excrutiatingly painful because we had both developed feelings, but surely better than just an abrupt silence.

 

The thing is cheaters are weak. I was very weak. I was weak not to tell my wife that I was unsatisfied in how our marriage was (just needed more effort on both our parts), I was weak to fall into an affair, I was weak not to end it sooner, I was weak to tell so many lies covering my ass. Just running away as your MM did is just an extension of this weakness. It's easier to run away that face up to the consequences of what you have done.

 

At lest you've seen him for what he is Jeannie. Get through the first awful few months of NC and slowly you will becoem free again.

[aileD]

That is a part of what makes ghosting (cheating)so hurtful. It can make people (betrayed spouses)go through extreme worry and panic by not knowing if the person (marriage)is ok, before realizing that they have been dumped.

 

 

SSDD. (Same sh**t different day)

[IwasJeannie]

Thank you Jenkins, I wish he would've given me that one last conversation. A text or an email. Something, anything. As the days tick by it just gets more painful but the things I want to say to him get less because how do you even begin to explain to someone how you feel when they so obviously don't care about you.

 

The pain is excruciating, I'm losing weight, not sleeping and I cry off and on all day. I cycle between wanting to show up somewhere I know he will be and letting him have it and then I remember...oh yeah he doesn't care, don't give him the satisfaction of letting him know what he's left in his wake.

 

I know I'll get through this, I've gotten through worse but I can't help but think if he had bothered to "let me go" then maybe this wouldn't feel like I'm worthless and not important enough.

[jenkins95]

Thank you Jenkins, I wish he would've given me that one last conversation. A text or an email. Something, anything. As the days tick by it just gets more painful but the things I want to say to him get less because how do you even begin to explain to someone how you feel when they so obviously don't care about you.

 

The pain is excruciating, I'm losing weight, not sleeping and I cry off and on all day. I cycle between wanting to show up somewhere I know he will be and letting him have it and then I remember...oh yeah he doesn't care, don't give him the satisfaction of letting him know what he's left in his wake.

 

I know I'll get through this, I've gotten through worse but I can't help but think if he had bothered to "let me go" then maybe this wouldn't feel like I'm worthless and not important enough.

 

I know it's excrutiating Jeannie, but take comfort in the fact that what you are feeling is quite normal, that you are not alone, and that you WILL recover. Much as the human brain has a capacity for extreme hurt, it also has an amizing capacity to recover. You will get there. It will take months, but it will happen.

 

Not sure if this will help or not, but just giving my honest opinion...... I very much doubt that he doesn't care at all. I think he is just weak and ran away like a little school boy in trouble with the teacher. He can run, but privately, he can't escape his own thoughts and I'm sure he's in hell. Unless he has a mental disorder, it's simply impossible just to switch off that level of feelings at will like he appears to have done. Inside he will be in torment, I am sure of it. One of the biggest tormentors will be his own self-hate and disgust at his own weakness. I've been there myself. I'm also quite certain that he will be thinking of you - a lot. He may even try to come back. But please be strong and don't let him. Take control yourself now and escape this prison you are in. Be free of this horrible situation.

 

Keep posting and good luck!

[NTV]

It probably is for yhe best anyway. Even though it doesn't feel like it right now.

[Scarlett94]

My husband ghosted after two years. I demanded no contact and that's what I meant. If he had contacted her the marriage was over. She should have never been in my marriage so quite honestly since MY feelings didn't matter to her, then her feelings didn't matter to me.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh but this was how I felt at the time.

You have no idea how this has destroyed my life and I had no choice in it.

You did.

[FoundMyStrength]

Hang in there Jeannie. I'm sorry he ghosted you like that, it is exceptionally cruel. As others have said, if there was love there, it's likely he does miss you and is thinking of you. But know that having those closure conversations don't ever provide real closure. I did closure and goodbyes with xMM over a month long period, and it didn't help knowing he missed me. It didnt really take away the pain of knowing he cared but didn't care enough to be with me. The ghosting and other distancing that MM do hurt, but the real pain is the underlying knowledge that they just don't care enough. And that they were willing to hurt you, and bring pain into your life for nothing but their own selfish needs. And no conversation is ever to go to make that pain feel better. Only time, and learning the lesson to never go back and never do this again

[spiderowl]

He could have had the decency to at least let you know he had to drop you. Just disappearing without a word is cowardly. I expect his wife told him not to contact you ever. Regardless, he should have sent that final message. What a creep!

 

I'm sorry for your distress. A decent guy would have found some way to at least let you know it was over.

[Daisy2013]

There is the possibility he may pop back up when the dust settles. No Dday here, but I got "the speech" about every 3 months. Within the week following each talk, he'd be back like it never happened. Just be prepared so you can be strong. If he doesn't, count yourself luck you are off of the roller coaster.

[IwasJeannie]

Thank you for the support to those of you who have been in my position. Knowing he's a creep, knowing it was wrong and knowing it wouldn't end well doesn't take away the pain. If I had an off switch I would switch it immediately. We don't get into these things overnight and without being chased and wooed. I resisted but was eventually weak, that is my fault. Believing what he said is also my fault, should I have known that what he told me about his marriage, his wife, their life wasn't true? Maybe but I was that person in an unhappy marriage once so I guess I found it believable. I'm not making excuses but we started as friends, I had no reason to think he had ulterior motives.

 

I'm sure if his wife knows, she's in pain as well. I'm sorry for contributing to that pain. I also understand if she has asked him not to contact me and maybe I don't deserve that if we are comparing our pain but it doesn't change that all parties were hurt and that he is at the center of that.

 

I'm giving it my all to get him out of my head and his actions tell me he's not worth it because a person that cares for another doesn't just disappear without a trace. This is who he is, a selfish, cake eating, cowardly liar. I don't envy her and what I imagine is going on in their home.

 

If I could take it back I would but I can't. All I can do is learn from this and open my eyes to the man he is rather than who I thought he was. The man I spoke with daily and shared my thoughts and feelings with, who I confided in, who I learned from and respected and who I thought was my friend first and foremost is a coward. It's as simple as that. I'll be much more careful giving my heart to someone in the future, I never want to feel this pain again.

[Overtaxed]

Thank you for the support to those of you who have been in my position. Knowing he's a creep, knowing it was wrong and knowing it wouldn't end well doesn't take away the pain. If I had an off switch I would switch it immediately. We don't get into these things overnight and without being chased and wooed. I resisted but was eventually weak, that is my fault. Believing what he said is also my fault, should I have known that what he told me about his marriage, his wife, their life wasn't true? Maybe but I was that person in an unhappy marriage once so I guess I found it believable. I'm not making excuses but we started as friends, I had no reason to think he had ulterior motives.

 

I'm sure if his wife knows, she's in pain as well. I'm sorry for contributing to that pain. I also understand if she has asked him not to contact me and maybe I don't deserve that if we are comparing our pain but it doesn't change that all parties were hurt and that he is at the center of that.

 

I'm giving it my all to get him out of my head and his actions tell me he's not worth it because a person that cares for another doesn't just disappear without a trace. This is who he is, a selfish, cake eating, cowardly liar. I don't envy her and what I imagine is going on in their home.

 

If I could take it back I would but I can't. All I can do is learn from this and open my eyes to the man he is rather than who I thought he was. The man I spoke with daily and shared my thoughts and feelings with, who I confided in, who I learned from and respected and who I thought was my friend first and foremost is a coward. It's as simple as that. I'll be much more careful giving my heart to someone in the future, I never want to feel this pain again.

 

Bolded above.

 

First off, I am sorry for your pain. I know it hurts, and I know you never intended for this to happen. First part of healing, know that he DID intend for this to happen. He knew he was married, he knew his wife was number 1, and he knew he'd choose her over you. He knew if she said "NC" he'd be gone. He intended for it to end this way, this was the only "way out" that he ever saw for himself, no matter what he said to you.

 

I had no reason to think he had ulterior motives.

 

This was posted yesterday, but it's worth putting back here, both because it's dead on, and also because it might make you laugh a little bit.

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/582105-men-friends

 

Assuming there's any sexual compatibility AT ALL, men will always have an "ulterior motive". Always, without question, sex is going to color the man's view of you. It will make him be a little nicer to you. Make him spend a little more effort listening to you. Many men aren't even aware they are doing it, but, without question, it's there. Accept it and move on. And frankly, I'd say for myself, don't try to befriend us. It puts us into a strange spot where we really don't understand how to act with you. We are friends with women we're trying to sleep with. Trying to put yourself into the same spot that our male friends occupy and push away our advances makes us uncomfortable, it makes us feel rejected and it makes us feel like the friendship is one sided (I'm being nice to her, why isn't she sleeping with me).

 

Even if it was true (he's in an unhappy marriage) it doesn't make it right to cheat. It doesn't absolve him of his responsibility to D his wife if he's really that unhappy. Men are action oriented, if we are really that unhappy, we will leave. If we're just moderately unhappy, we'll bottle it up until we find a woman who can "comfort" us. And a lot of these guys just straight up lie; I have a friend who does plenty of fishing for APs and he and his wife are awesome together. They are not, in any way, what I would consider a "troubled marriage". I'm sure he uses that line though when his AP's figure out he's married to keep them around, no woman wants to hear her AP tell her that his wife is awesome, he just wants more sex. And it's so easy to say "She never loved me" rather than tell the truth, why risk it? Just say whatever it takes to alleviate your guilt as the AP so that the sex keeps flowing.

 

I am sorry, and I hope that some of these posts are helping, keep your guard up in the future, and assume that any MM who's trying to get close to you is, in fact, trying to sleep with you. Because, most of the time, perhaps all of the time, that will be far more accurate than "He just wants to be my friend".

[jenkins95]

Thanks for posting that YouTube clip OverTaxed. It was really funny as well as illustrating a very serious point.

 

As a man, I think I most relate to the guy in 0:32-0:45 of the video. He basically said that as men, we can try to be just content with friendship and we can hide those feelings - but inevitably we're going to have them!

 

As a thought experiment, I just had a look around my office at my female colleagues. I am their "friend" in a professional sense and we are polite and courteous together, sometimes all going as a mixed group for a lunch, etc and to a small degree knowing each other socially. We behave completely appropriately, and given my past, I am very, very careful not to cross any lines or do anything at all that could be misconstrued as "flirting". But do I have those "feelings"?

 

Oh yes!!!!!!

 

 

 

Bolded above.

 

First off, I am sorry for your pain. I know it hurts, and I know you never intended for this to happen. First part of healing, know that he DID intend for this to happen. He knew he was married, he knew his wife was number 1, and he knew he'd choose her over you. He knew if she said "NC" he'd be gone. He intended for it to end this way, this was the only "way out" that he ever saw for himself, no matter what he said to you.

 

 

 

This was posted yesterday, but it's worth putting back here, both because it's dead on, and also because it might make you laugh a little bit.

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/582105-men-friends

 

Assuming there's any sexual compatibility AT ALL, men will always have an "ulterior motive". Always, without question, sex is going to color the man's view of you. It will make him be a little nicer to you. Make him spend a little more effort listening to you. Many men aren't even aware they are doing it, but, without question, it's there. Accept it and move on. And frankly, I'd say for myself, don't try to befriend us. It puts us into a strange spot where we really don't understand how to act with you. We are friends with women we're trying to sleep with. Trying to put yourself into the same spot that our male friends occupy and push away our advances makes us uncomfortable, it makes us feel rejected and it makes us feel like the friendship is one sided (I'm being nice to her, why isn't she sleeping with me).

 

Even if it was true (he's in an unhappy marriage) it doesn't make it right to cheat. It doesn't absolve him of his responsibility to D his wife if he's really that unhappy. Men are action oriented, if we are really that unhappy, we will leave. If we're just moderately unhappy, we'll bottle it up until we find a woman who can "comfort" us. And a lot of these guys just straight up lie; I have a friend who does plenty of fishing for APs and he and his wife are awesome together. They are not, in any way, what I would consider a "troubled marriage". I'm sure he uses that line though when his AP's figure out he's married to keep them around, no woman wants to hear her AP tell her that his wife is awesome, he just wants more sex. And it's so easy to say "She never loved me" rather than tell the truth, why risk it? Just say whatever it takes to alleviate your guilt as the AP so that the sex keeps flowing.

 

I am sorry, and I hope that some of these posts are helping, keep your guard up in the future, and assume that any MM who's trying to get close to you is, in fact, trying to sleep with you. Because, most of the time, perhaps all of the time, that will be far more accurate than "He just wants to be my friend".

[jenkins95]

Assuming there's any sexual compatibility AT ALL, men will always have an "ulterior motive". Always, without question, sex is going to color the man's view of you. It will make him be a little nicer to you. Make him spend a little more effort listening to you. Many men aren't even aware they are doing it, but, without question, it's there.

 

So true. Again, as a thought experiment, I've just critically assessed my own behaviour towards my female colleagues in meetings, etc. I do exactly this, and yes - I'm not even aware I'm doing it.

 

This is how it started with the OW. I was attracted to her and lavished attention on her without even realising I was doing it. She liked the attention and we were already at first base before we even knew we were doing anything wrong.

 

It simple biology. No excuses though - we should have stopped when we acknowledged this. But instead, we just let that slippery slope take us all the way to the bottom

[Miss Clavel]

gee, my married man vanished as well! without a word. while i was married to him. he vanished over to his soulmates apartment out by the airport. along with most of our valuables.

 

good luck

[jenkins95]

gee, my married man vanished as well! without a word. while i was married to him. he vanished over to his soulmates apartment out by the airport. along with most of our valuables.

 

good luck

 

That's awful Miss C

 

I hope you are doing OK now?

 

Good luck to you too

[freengreen]

He could have had the decency to at least let you know he had to drop you. Just disappearing without a word is cowardly. I expect his wife told him not to contact you ever. Regardless, he should have sent that final message. What a creep!

 

I'm sorry for your distress. A decent guy would have found some way to at least let you know it was over.

one text could do...but still he chose not to because its not comfortable for him, they usually come back when its comfortable for them.

[Overtaxed]

So true. Again, as a thought experiment, I've just critically assessed my own behaviour towards my female colleagues in meetings, etc. I do exactly this, and yes - I'm not even aware I'm doing it.

 

This is how it started with the OW. I was attracted to her and lavished attention on her without even realising I was doing it. She liked the attention and we were already at first base before we even knew we were doing anything wrong.

 

It simple biology. No excuses though - we should have stopped when we acknowledged this. But instead, we just let that slippery slope take us all the way to the bottom

 

Often times we're not aware of it at all. And there's no getting away from it entirely, even though I'm very careful in my day to day life, sometimes I have to have a female interaction, and I catch myself being nice/smiling more to the hot barista at Starbucks than I do to my accountant (female, not attractive). It's natural, and, we need to acknowledge this (as a society) and stop trying to think "I'm above this" or "I can view people as people, not as sexual partners". It's just not how it works. I don't think we need to change things per se, we just need to change how we view things and be realistic with the knowledge that men honestly typically do have sexual interest in EVERY attractive woman they meet. It's just how we are; and no amount of kumbyah and "It shouldn't be this way" is going to change that fact.

[Overtaxed]

one text could do...but still he chose not to because its not comfortable for him, they usually come back when its comfortable for them.

 

He'll be back when he wants something, more sex most likely, perhaps just some validation, but typically it'll be to get an AP back in bed. It's much easier to get someone into bed when you've already gotten them there before, men know this, and they often "revisit the scene of the crime" because we're lazy and it's easier.

 

In many cases it has nothing to do with him missing you, nothing to do with you as a person, and nothing to do with him wanting to build a "real relationship" (that's however, almost 100% what he's going to say). Has everything to do with an easy and fast route to having sex. If you want that, and are looking for some fun/easy sex, take his call. If you want a relationship, or want to be with someone who cares about you as a person, block him and never look back, it's not going to be this man.

[sandylee1]

Hang in there Jeannie. I'm sorry he ghosted you like that, it is exceptionally cruel.

 

 

 

Mmmmm. I find this rather hypocritical. Cruel to be ghosted, but not to sleep with another woman's husband!

[IwasJeannie]

He'll be back when he wants something, more sex most likely, perhaps just some validation, but typically it'll be to get an AP back in bed. It's much easier to get someone into bed when you've already gotten them there before, men know this, and they often "revisit the scene of the crime" because we're lazy and it's easier.

 

In many cases it has nothing to do with him missing you, nothing to do with you as a person, and nothing to do with him wanting to build a "real relationship" (that's however, almost 100% what he's going to say). Has everything to do with an easy and fast route to having sex. If you want that, and are looking for some fun/easy sex, take his call. If you want a relationship, or want to be with someone who cares about you as a person, block him and never look back, it's not going to be this man.

 

If he came back today I can honestly say it would be hard. I've had countless conversations in my head with him ranging from completely letting him have it to please give me some indication you're not a total POS but in the end I keep going back to silence.

 

I know what his silence has done to me and it speaks volumes. I always told him that once I'm done and I've gotten over it I never look back. There will be no more "getting in bed" with me. I rarely think about anyone in my past. It always bothered him because he wanted me to look back on him fondly and said he would never forget me, that he would always have regrets where we were concerned. It sounded like a cop out to me when he said it, if I was that special why let me go and have those regrets?

 

I've spoken to men about this and they pretty much say what you and Jenkins are saying. That men will say what they have to to get what they want. My MM was a little different, we didn't future fake for the most part and we didn't gush about our love and throw insincere compliments at each other. He shared emails and texts with me from his wife and I didn't feel like it was to make her look bad, he was bothered by her behavior and hurt by it. He wanted to understand and he would ask my advice. They didn't appear to be a happy couple. I know he would've liked to be and I always had the feeling if he had been happy he wouldn't have gotten involved with me.

 

He struggled with this greatly, there was a lot of push and pull with us. I knew I deserved better and he felt guilty but didn't want to give me up. He said it wasn't just the physical, that he enjoyed talking to me and spending time with me. I became his sounding board and we talked more than he talked to anyone else in his life. I'd offer to pull back but he couldn't stand that thought, we'd go a couple days but both of us were miserable. I've seen this man cry and absolutely lose it so I don't think he was always acting with me.

 

I have lots of work to do to get over this. Regardless of what his intentions or feelings were, mine were real and I'm grieving a loss even if it meant little to him. I'll get there but it sure sucks right now

[stillafool]

Funny thing is I had convinced myself that he did have integrity. I know that sounds ridiculous given what he was doing to his wife. But I had a lot of repect for him in a business that is thick with unethical people. I admired and respected how he conducted himself in business and learned a lot from him.

 

He did tend to live in denial though. His wife got an STD and of course blamed him but he was tested twice and neither one of us has it but he still insisted she wouldn't cheat on him so he let her off the hook and believes it came from a towel or massage table. She can do no wrong, he hasn't even asked her why she has it and he doesn't. He just rug swept the whole incident. He claims they haven't had sex in over two years and I've seen emails with her confirming that and he believes that part of their relationship is over so he doesn't need to worry about it. He's a hypercondriac so I can't believe he'd expose himself yet he won't leave either.

 

Just writing this out is embarrassing, that I could get involved in this and actually think he's a good guy makes me feel foolish. Darn heart, hurry up and listen to the brain!

 

Maybe he found out his wife is also having an affair and is trying to save his marriage. I've seen this before where MM was having an affair only to find out his wife was doing the same. Nothing puts the MMs flame of an affair out like finding out his wife was getting some on the side as well. Men just can't handle it. She definitely didn't get it from a towel or a massage table. She must think he is stupid to use an excuse like that. There was a poster here a couple of months ago who was adamant about leaving his wife for the OW. We told him to man up and tell his wife it was over. When he told her she was perfectly willing to let him go because she was also involved in an affair. All of a sudden he was talking about reconciliation.

[Overtaxed]

I have lots of work to do to get over this. Regardless of what his intentions or feelings were, mine were real and I'm grieving a loss even if it meant little to him. I'll get there but it sure sucks right now

 

And this is the part that matters; and the part that you can actually impact. If he did or didn't care, really doesn't matter. Your pain does matter, and you can start healing that by pushing the relationship from your mind, thinking about how awful what he did was (pull him off the pedestal), thinking about how little respect he has for you (which is evident from his actions).

 

I know its hard. But it's even harder if you try to think about the good times, or the good things about him. Yes, of course he had good qualities. Those were/are completely overshadowed by the awful things he's done.