Author IwasJeannie Posted May 3, 2017 Author Share Posted May 3, 2017 Maybe he found out his wife is also having an affair and is trying to save his marriage. I've seen this before where MM was having an affair only to find out his wife was doing the same. Nothing puts the MMs flame of an affair out like finding out his wife was getting some on the side as well. Men just can't handle it. She definitely didn't get it from a towel or a massage table. She must think he is stupid to use an excuse like that. There was a poster here a couple of months ago who was adamant about leaving his wife for the OW. We told him to man up and tell his wife it was over. When he told her she was perfectly willing to let him go because she was also involved in an affair. All of a sudden he was talking about reconciliation. Once she found out he didn't have it, it became a non issue and she refused to go to the MC they had been attending. His IC asked him to ask his MD about it but he never did, he couldn't wrap his brain around that maybe she had cheated on him so he let it go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted May 3, 2017 Share Posted May 3, 2017 Think of it as a favor. There will be no real closure. It will only extend the hurt. He is a cheater and a coward, you are better off without that sort of relationship. I am sorry you don't have any answer and I am sorry it hurts so bad. It is a crappy situation and so much hurt. Hugs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IwasJeannie Posted May 3, 2017 Author Share Posted May 3, 2017 And this is the part that matters; and the part that you can actually impact. If he did or didn't care, really doesn't matter. Your pain does matter, and you can start healing that by pushing the relationship from your mind, thinking about how awful what he did was (pull him off the pedestal), thinking about how little respect he has for you (which is evident from his actions). I know its hard. But it's even harder if you try to think about the good times, or the good things about him. Yes, of course he had good qualities. Those were/are completely overshadowed by the awful things he's done. Getting back to the gym this morning with a friend, I can't get him out of my head sitting around. The best revenge is living well right? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IwasJeannie Posted May 3, 2017 Author Share Posted May 3, 2017 Jenkins, thank you for your replies. Your perspective has been valuable, your lack of blame to your wife and AP is where I hope my exMM gets some day. You can own your mistakes without blame and hurting the OW. I may have known what I was getting into but it didn't happen overnight in my case and I wasn't planning and scheming to hurt his wife. I'm not a terrible person, quite the opposite actually and I think he would agree once his fear dissipates but that's for him to decide. He handled this the worst possible way in my eyes and showed me exactly who he is, given what I know now I doubt I'll look back on him with fond memories and it didn't have to be that way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FoundMyStrength Posted May 3, 2017 Share Posted May 3, 2017 Mmmmm. I find this rather hypocritical. Cruel to be ghosted, but not to sleep with another woman's husband! If you look at any of my other posts you'd see where I stand on who is the wronged party in affairs, and it's certainly not the OW or MM. I had a breakdown after mine as I came out of the fog and realized what I'd done to another woman and her marriage. Part of the reason I come to this site is to provide support and encourage other OW to get out and stay out of their affairs. Must I reiterate and provide caveats as to how deeply remorseful I feel in order to avoid being called a hypocrite when I try to provide support to other posters? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Overtaxed Posted May 3, 2017 Share Posted May 3, 2017 Getting back to the gym this morning with a friend, I can't get him out of my head sitting around. The best revenge is living well right? Absolutely. Do whatever it takes; I even think some meaningless sex might be good; as long, of course, as the partner isn't married! No reason to step back into that minefield, but, very often, especially for women, having sex with a new man will dull the memory of their previous partner. Enjoy life and don't fixate on things you cannot change. As I and others have said, you are almost certainly better off for having this end. You will see that someday, probably a few days after you meet another person and start to feel "real" chemistry, not something that's faked to get you into bed. And it will happen, there are a lot of good and authentic guys out there. It's just that if you pick from the pool of "married, willing to have an affair", the pool of "good men" shrinks to nearly 0. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IwasJeannie Posted May 3, 2017 Author Share Posted May 3, 2017 Mmmmm. I find this rather hypocritical. Cruel to be ghosted, but not to sleep with another woman's husband! Again, I've told you where I stand on this in another thread. Her husband has to answer to her. I'm sorry you were betrayed but I don't deserve your venom towards me... I wasn't with your husband. I came to the OW/OM board because I knew I would get the support I needed, if I wanted to be bashed I'd go over to infidelity. I appreciate your perspective and can respect it, however we will just have to agree to disagree. Have a great day 4 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted May 3, 2017 Share Posted May 3, 2017 Getting back to the gym this morning with a friend, I can't get him out of my head sitting around. The best revenge is living well right? Good for you Jeannie! This is exactly the kind of thing you need to do! Apart from anything else, the mix of hormones, metabolites, etc generated during exercise has been shown to counteract the negative hormones, etc associated with depression. Eating and exercising well, generally looking after yourself is a massive plus! Keep it up - I want to see you in that gym 3 times a week (I'll be the guy sitting in the background...with a donut)! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted May 3, 2017 Share Posted May 3, 2017 Again, I've told you where I stand on this in another thread. Her husband has to answer to her. I'm sorry you were betrayed but I don't deserve your venom towards me... I wasn't with your husband. I came to the OW/OM board because I knew I would get the support I needed, if I wanted to be bashed I'd go over to infidelity. I appreciate your perspective and can respect it, however we will just have to agree to disagree. Have a great day At the end of the day both actions were incredibly cruel - towards the BS and towards you. But she is the poor soul who is now stuck with him (unless she kicks him out). This is further illustration of the type of man he is. You dodged a bullet. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted May 3, 2017 Share Posted May 3, 2017 At the end of the day both actions were incredibly cruel - towards the BS and towards you. But she is the poor soul who is now stuck with him (unless she kicks him out). This is further illustration of the type of man he is. You dodged a bullet. Amen on that. OP imagine if you had your life intertwined with this man. Children, house, finances, the life you spent years building together. So much harder to just walk away when they show you what they are capable of. You know he is capable of hurting the person he vowed to love. At some point, she was perfect for him, the love of his life, and he was happy. Maybe things aren't perfect in his marriage right now (life has seasons, it is ups and downs)... imagine having to always wonder if you aren't absolutely perfect, he is out finding someone else? Crappy way to live. You did dodge a bullet!!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 3, 2017 Share Posted May 3, 2017 He handled this the worst possible way in my eyes and showed me exactly who he is, given what I know now I doubt I'll look back on him with fond memories and it didn't have to be that way. Truth IS there is NO good way to dump someone. The dumpee always gets hurt, upset, disappointed, angry, annoyed, distraught, despondent, depressed, bitter...etc. because it is NOT what they want. The dumper holds the cards and the dumpee just has to try and get over it. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
freengreen Posted May 3, 2017 Share Posted May 3, 2017 Mmmmm. I find this rather hypocritical. Cruel to be ghosted, but not to sleep with another woman's husband! Affairs are like negative reel.. anything happening white is actually black in the big picture and anything happening black is actually white in real life. Ironically, some of us still invested real feels.., how ever fake an A is... there are people who get real pain outta it... i was such a sucker. Link to post Share on other sites
Taxed Posted May 3, 2017 Share Posted May 3, 2017 (edited) Hang in there Jeannie. I'm sorry he ghosted you like that, it is exceptionally cruel. As others have said, if there was love there, it's likely he does miss you and is thinking of you. But know that having those closure conversations don't ever provide real closure. I did closure and goodbyes with xMM over a month long period, and it didn't help knowing he missed me. It didnt really take away the pain of knowing he cared but didn't care enough to be with me. The ghosting and other distancing that MM do hurt, but the real pain is the underlying knowledge that they just don't care enough. And that they were willing to hurt you, and bring pain into your life for nothing but their own selfish needs. And no conversation is ever to go to make that pain feel better. Only time, and learning the lesson to never go back and never do this again Yes, exactly. Consider yourself lucky that he ghosted you and pray, that he does not contact you again. By the way, if he contacts you again just tell him that he is not all that anyway and definetly not "Gods gift to women" - that should do the trick. It certainly did it for me. Edited May 3, 2017 by Taxed Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 3, 2017 Share Posted May 3, 2017 Again, I've told you where I stand on this in another thread. Her husband has to answer to her. I'm sorry you were betrayed but I don't deserve your venom towards me My comment was actually a response to the poster who said his actions were cruel, not to you. You don't need to apologise for me being betrayed by my husband , because I haven't been. Finally, not once have I been venomous towards you. What do define as venom exactly? I've not insulted or been nasty to you. I see no purpose in doing so. Link to post Share on other sites
deadsoul Posted May 3, 2017 Share Posted May 3, 2017 Hang in there Jeannie. I'm sorry he ghosted you like that, it is exceptionally cruel. As others have said, if there was love there, it's likely he does miss you and is thinking of you. But know that having those closure conversations don't ever provide real closure. I did closure and goodbyes with xMM over a month long period, and it didn't help knowing he missed me. It didnt really take away the pain of knowing he cared but didn't care enough to be with me. The ghosting and other distancing that MM do hurt, but the real pain is the underlying knowledge that they just don't care enough. And that they were willing to hurt you, and bring pain into your life for nothing but their own selfish needs. And no conversation is ever to go to make that pain feel better. Only time, and learning the lesson to never go back and never do this again So this. I really believe "closure" comes from within. Link to post Share on other sites
deadsoul Posted May 3, 2017 Share Posted May 3, 2017 I know it's excrutiating Jeannie, but take comfort in the fact that what you are feeling is quite normal, that you are not alone, and that you WILL recover. Much as the human brain has a capacity for extreme hurt, it also has an amizing capacity to recover. You will get there. It will take months, but it will happen. Not sure if this will help or not, but just giving my honest opinion...... I very much doubt that he doesn't care at all. I think he is just weak and ran away like a little school boy in trouble with the teacher. He can run, but privately, he can't escape his own thoughts and I'm sure he's in hell. Unless he has a mental disorder, it's simply impossible just to switch off that level of feelings at will like he appears to have done. Inside he will be in torment, I am sure of it. One of the biggest tormentors will be his own self-hate and disgust at his own weakness. I've been there myself. I'm also quite certain that he will be thinking of you - a lot. He may even try to come back. But please be strong and don't let him. Take control yourself now and escape this prison you are in. Be free of this horrible situation. Keep posting and good luck! You've come a long way. Your posts help me even when not directed at me. I tried to pm you a question but your inbox is full. It's basically more about your thoughts when you were 3 months out from DDay. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IwasJeannie Posted May 3, 2017 Author Share Posted May 3, 2017 My comment was actually a response to the poster who said his actions were cruel, not to you. You don't need to apologise for me being betrayed by my husband , because I haven't been. Finally, not once have I been venomous towards you. What do define as venom exactly? I've not insulted or been nasty to you. I see no purpose in doing so. Sandylee I need to apologize to you. I mistook you for another poster and went back to edit my post and it wouldn't let me That wasn't meant for you, I'm sorry Link to post Share on other sites
Author IwasJeannie Posted May 3, 2017 Author Share Posted May 3, 2017 [/b] Yes, exactly. Consider yourself lucky that he ghosted you and pray, that he does not contact you again. By the way, if he contacts you again just tell him that he is not all that anyway and definetly not "Gods gift to women" - that should do the trick. It certainly did it for me. Today has been better, my anger finally showed up. I think the gym helped. I know I'm not out of the woods but I keep reading what others have posted and letting it sink in. I appreciate all the advice. I will get to the point where I just don't care anymore and if I know him he will be back at some point with some lame apologies and it won't matter to me anymore. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted May 3, 2017 Share Posted May 3, 2017 "He shared emails and texts with me from his wife and I didn't feel like it was to make her look bad, he was bothered by her behavior and hurt by it. He wanted to understand and he would ask my advice." He shared his wife's emails and texts? Afforded her no privacy in her private communications with her husband? I am sorry but this guy did not respect his wife at all. It is entirely in keeping that he should behave disrespectfully to you too. He was obviously very good at saying the right things to you to make you believe he was a good guy. I am sorry you got hurt and I hope you recover quickly; no-one deserves such thoughtlessness. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Taxed Posted May 4, 2017 Share Posted May 4, 2017 Today has been better, my anger finally showed up. I think the gym helped. I know I'm not out of the woods but I keep reading what others have posted and letting it sink in. I appreciate all the advice. I will get to the point where I just don't care anymore and if I know him he will be back at some point with some lame apologies and it won't matter to me anymore. Hang in there - it is Hell, when they keep coming back (I still have to see see XMM at work, so NC is difficult until either he or I find another job). That also means, that I am still lost in the wilderness from time to time. But it is gradually getting better, even if I have to see his sorry ass. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IwasJeannie Posted May 4, 2017 Author Share Posted May 4, 2017 Hang in there - it is Hell, when they keep coming back (I still have to see see XMM at work, so NC is difficult until either he or I find another job). That also means, that I am still lost in the wilderness from time to time. But it is gradually getting better, even if I have to see his sorry ass. Ugh, this is such a roller coaster! I had a panic attack this morning, I hate this. I was doing so good yesterday, I wish I had a fast forward button. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rockergrl84 Posted May 4, 2017 Share Posted May 4, 2017 Hi IwasJeannie, I'm so sorry about what you're going through. I know exactly how you feel. I am former OW, and I was also ghosted by xMM. You can read my story on here if you wish. Long story short, I had an affair with a MM for about 6 months, his W found out, he said he didn't want to work it out with her, and even moved out for a few months. Then *poof* he was gone. Stopped responding to my calls and texts, never saw or heard from him again. I was absolutely devastated and left in the dark. It's been 3 months since that happened. I found out maybe a month or so ago why he ghosted (not from him)...he went back to his wife. I can tell you though, that after 3 months of NC, I am feeling much better. I'm keeping busy with going to the gym, now working a second job, and filling up my time for me now. I won't lie, I still think of him every single day, but it's no longer all day, everyday. I do not cry over him anymore. You will get there too Link to post Share on other sites
lostgirl87 Posted May 4, 2017 Share Posted May 4, 2017 Ugh, this is such a roller coaster! I had a panic attack this morning, I hate this. I was doing so good yesterday, I wish I had a fast forward button. Exactly what has been happening to me and what I wish would happen! Just a fast forward so I didn't have to deal with feeling this way! I don't have any advice unfortunately. I just understand what you're feeling and I'm sorry you're experiencing this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IwasJeannie Posted May 9, 2017 Author Share Posted May 9, 2017 You guys were right, he showed up at my door today. Oddly I feel better knowing he's still miserable. It's been a terrible time wondering what happened but I feel stronger now. Like I can be done. Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 You guys were right, he showed up at my door today. Oddly I feel better knowing he's still miserable. It's been a terrible time wondering what happened but I feel stronger now. Like I can be done. Did you send him off or did you hook up with him? Link to post Share on other sites
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