MM loses OW

[MidnightBlue1980]

OW hasn't been in touch since I told her I asked W for a D. So she has no idea what is going on. And that was about one month ago.

 

The problem is that you are in the affair fog over this woman and are therefore unable to make a clear headed decision about your marriage. You are also on the OW/OM page so you are going to get a lot of hearts and rainbows about going for your true love. If you posted this on the Infidelity board you would get opposite opinions since it's a bunch of BS and exOM who are out of the fog who now consider their OW basically pond scum. So you have to be really careful about the advice you are getting and consider the source.

 

Note that I am not man bashing, there just are some threads going by men who had affairs and dumped the OW and now seriously are talking about her like trash. It would seem that they did feel like you do - but as they decided to stay, to rationalize what they did, they "villainize" the OW. My point to you is that this may be the next stage. If you go over there and ask those guys, they will fall all over themselves that you should wait this out and appreciate your wife and family.

 

I'm an ex-MW so it is hard to read those posts, what they say about the OW, but it is very sobering. All the women here lamenting over some married guy should go there and read what they really think of them.

 

Back to you, your thinking is backwards. You actually said exactly what xmm said to me, that he would only leave if he was 100% sure it would work out with us. On one level, I get it - but you can't do that. You don't really know this woman, its all hearts and rainbows. There is a really good chance it would not work out and you would need to be prepared to be alone. I'm guessing you are probably 55 or so. I'm sure it seems scary to be divorced. I was divorced, its a lonely time but also life altering. For me, I knew I wanted to divorce my ex, it had nothing to do with another person. Ever fiber in my body wanted out. If you feel like that, you should listen to that feeling. It is really not easily fixable. I got divorced, never regretted it and later met my H.

 

The problem is though that its all mixed up with this other woman now. The question is - how did you feel when your wife said she wanted a divorce, before you met the OW? Did you want it too?

 

If you didn't - chances are higher that this is the fog. After my affair ended at the end of 2015, I wanted a divorce - even though xmm was not a part of the picture. Affairs mess you up, it's like a mental illness. You can't think straight. You should not make any decisions. Now its almost May 2017 and I'm here to tell you that I am really happy I did not get a divorce. But - it took a long time to feel better - a really long time.

 

The only way for you to even begin feeling better is to cut off all contact from this woman. Its the best thing for everyone here. I know you think, I can't do that, and yes, it will hurt unbelievably. But I'm here to tell you that unless you keep feeding this pain and addiction, it does get better. I was suicidal over this stupid guy and now I could care less about him. Thank God I did not end up with him. I'm telling you, these things = affair fog = mental illness. You simply cannot trust yourself.

 

You owe it to yourself to figure out what you want. You owe it to your wife to give her the truth - unless you honestly think she would truly kill herself or something. Lastly you owe it to the OW to let her get on with her life. I've read stories like yours here over and over. Men typically don't leave. You've given her no indication that you will leave. If you do decide you want to leave, do it for you, not for anyone else. Maybe the OW will still be there or maybe not. But its simply not true that there is no one else out there. I have divorced male friends. There are hoards of women out there. Please. That is the silliest reason to stay in a marriage.

 

I leave you with this. 25 years from now when you look back at this moment, will you regret not leaving? will you regret not working on your marriage? I can assure you that you will regret living in this fog for 10 more years and letting inaction be your action.

 

PS If you want a companion, get a dog. A wife should be much more than a companion.

Edited April 30, 2017 by MidnightBlue1980

[donbar]

I did discuss my plan with OW to stay for a year. By that stage she was more or less convinced I wasn't leaving. She didn't believe the health issues to start with, and her friends convinced her I was a serial cheater who made up the suicide story to gain her sympathy.

I don't want to hurt my wife. Every time we have discussed D she has ended up either trying or threatening suicide. It is a form of emotional blackmail that is hard to deal with. I'm scared of what she is capable of, most specifically self harm.

[sandylee1]

OW hasn't been in touch since I told her I asked W for a D. So she has no idea what is going on. And that was about one month ago.

 

 

I don't know if it's just the wording you've used, but if I wanted to get divorced. I wouldn't be asking my husband for a divorce, I'd be telling him. Asking kind of implies it's a question and that permission is being sought.

 

 

Was/is your wife dominant and generally gets her way?

[sandylee1]

I did discuss my plan with OW to stay for a year. By that stage she was more or less convinced I wasn't leaving. She didn't believe the health issues to start with, and her friends convinced her I was a serial cheater who made up the suicide story to gain her sympathy.

I don't want to hurt my wife. Every time we have discussed D she has ended up either trying or threatening suicide. It is a form of emotional blackmail that is hard to deal with. I'm scared of what she is capable of, most specifically self harm.

 

Has your wife ever had a mental health assessment or been diagnosed with a mental health disorder?

 

 

She does sound rather unstable and extreme in her reaction to situations. There's some things you've said, that make me think you've walked on eggshells for some time with your wife and have been at the end of her aggressive behaviour on a few occasions.

 

 

The incidents you described earlier, with her throwing things around and your fear of her reaction if you admitted to the affair in MC.

[What_Did_I_Do]

OP, a very detailed story.

 

Firstly, I'm all for martial vows but would have packed my bags and headed for the hills once your wife suggested D. And if she was only threatening to get your attention, well sometimes those threats have a tendency to bite us in the *ss. The suicide attempt (the way you mention she went through with this) was clearly manipulation.

 

I can speak to the OW side as a similar situation happened with me. The MM had stalled his D for reasons x, y and z. I waited patiently. Waited some more then came to the realization this has got to end. No more will I be a side piece waiting for some MM to make a decision.

 

Now I'm dating a wonderful man and guess who decided to put an exit plan into action. Yep.

 

My advice? If you're dead serious about your OW, get D papers in hand and pursue this gal. But your window of opportunity is fast closing. Each day you delay, she may be getting more serious with the new man.

 

Good luck.

[spiderowl]

I can see that your circumstances were challenging and I am sorry you have had to face such a loss. I am sorry your wife has too. Your relationship can't have been perfect if someone else could have come along and changed it all like that.

 

I can understand that for a married man to leave his wife, family and home is a huge thing. What I don't understand is why some men seem to think that they should have their married life or their affair partner. Why do not they leave their marriages and live alone if they are unhappy? Surely that is the thing to do? Then they would be free to start a relationship elsewhere, rather than trying to go from one security blanket to another.

[Doublegold]

Is there anyway to avoid seeing XOW at work in the upcoming week?

 

On a lighter note, are you a Mad Men fan? DonBar reminds me of Don Draper.

 

Thank you for sharing your affair. Choices are not cookie cutter when it comes to affairs of the heart.

 

Take care.

Edited April 30, 2017 by Doublegold

[Whodatdog]

If the OW truly loves you, she's probably just waiting for you do actually get divorced. Theres millions of threads on here about men just yakking instead of doing what they say they will do.

 

If you get divorced, OW will know you mean it. For all you know, she told you she was seeing someone just so you wouldnt contact her again.

 

Stop playing both sides. Pick your spot, and then go for it.

[HeartbrokenDec29]

I did discuss my plan with OW to stay for a year. By that stage she was more or less convinced I wasn't leaving. She didn't believe the health issues to start with, and her friends convinced her I was a serial cheater who made up the suicide story to gain her sympathy.

I don't want to hurt my wife. Every time we have discussed D she has ended up either trying or threatening suicide. It is a form of emotional blackmail that is hard to deal with. I'm scared of what she is capable of, most specifically self harm.

Hi donbar,

 

Im an xOW and i see a bit of similarity with my story. my xMM stated at some point his wife tried to kill herself at some point. My xMM also wanted me to wait on him for 2 years before he got a divorce and at the end of the day did nothing

 

Even now when i look back at that story, i think its false but it could also be true cos i was depressed and suicidal in my affair as well as the xOW. So he drove both his Wife and I crazy.

 

The truth is you cant blame your OW for trying to move on because to her you have done nothing in terms of action. I will suggest you let her go and be happy.

[Poppy47]

Good to hear your story Donbar.

 

I'm an exOW.

 

Only divorce if it is for yourself and your own happiness. If you are unhappy, leave. You might regret it one day.

 

The OW did the best thing she could have for her own sanity and well being. There is only so long the most patient of people will stay and be messed around.

 

I hope you eventually heal from this experience. I don't think any of us is ever the same again.

 

Poppy.

[deadsoul]

Lostgirl, thank you for your reply. It makes me sad too. I could quite happily close my eyes and never open them again. And you are right. OW would tell me regularly, "you've made no progress towards being able to be with me", and I would say, please be patient, let me get my wife through the first year.

 

I decided to stay because I cannot have my OW. She made it clear she wants to find love elsewhere. I have no interest in being single so I can look for what I had with my OW because I don't believe I would ever find it again. I want her so much it hurts. If she told me to get divorced and she would consider me once I was single I would do it. But I'm not going to get divorced and end up alone, with children who won't talk to me because I would rather be comfortable and have a companion who has become much easier to live with.

 

Hi OP,

 

This is the part of your post that stuck out to me the most. If you aren't in it 100% with your wife, you owe it to her and your kids to end it. Based on your description, your wife sounds like she has some mental instabilities, so she needs support, but attempting suicide to keep you is not healthy.

 

What I'm saying is, you need to learn how to be on your own. You don't want to leave your marriage if you can't have OW. How can that start a healthy relationship? You never want to leave one relationship for another because the odds are against you for it working out.

 

When you speak of your OW, you speak very much like you're in "the fog." and that concerns me too because it isn't real. The affair bubble is a very addicting place where things like "period panties" don't exist. That's not the real world.

 

You are sad because you've lost OW and you are "settling" for a wife you aren't happy with, but you don't want to do anything drastic to change your position.

 

My feeling is if you stand a chance with OW, you have to divorce and learn to be on your own without contact with OW. If she's there at the end of it all, when you're ready for a relationship again, great. If she's not, the affair fog will be just what it is: a dream.

[BTDT2012]

Your OW may been seeing someone else all along. She told you she cheated in her marriage, and initiated a physical relationship the first time you asked her to dinner, if my memory serves me correctly.

Alternately, she has watched the back and forth, the way you treat (ed) your wife and decided you aren't worth the risk. You need to tell your wife how you truly feel about her. Maybe then she will want to set you free.

[donbar]

Thanks all of you. I'm sifting through all the advice, some that connflicts others, in an attempt to reach closure. Irrespective of what happens I appreciate all of you taking the time to give me your perspectives. It means a lot because it has really just been me and my inner dialogue, which had been driving me mad.

The one constant is that I should be on my own before I attempt to contact my OW. It makes sense to me and is a step I am closest to.

I always thought the D would happen without me needing to do anything. I'm new to all of this and had parents who stayed together despite disliking each other.

[Minnie09]

I always thought the D would happen without me needing to do anything. I'm new to all of this and had parents who stayed together despite disliking each other.

 

I don't know why - but many mm think this, or at least hope this. My mm would've gladly divorced, if his BW had made the decision for him, but she wanted to reconcile, and that's ok. I know he's not happy and wants something different for his life, but it's not enough to just want it. Doing it and walking the walk, rather than just talking the talk, is a whole different ballgame. You remind me of him.

[Birdies]

I don't know why - but many mm think this, or at least hope this. My mm would've gladly divorced, if his BW had made the decision for him, but she wanted to reconcile, and that's ok. I know he's not happy and wants something different for his life, but it's not enough to just want it. Doing it and walking the walk, rather than just talking the talk, is a whole different ballgame. You remind me of him.

 

Same. My MM kept thinking his wife would leave him because she seemed so unhappy. I kept telling him that for many women, the only thing worse than an unhappy marriage is losing your unhappy marriage.

 

I think this is so common because a lot of men who are conflict avoidant and don't deal appropriately with their marital problems end up in affairs as a way to distract himself. Add in emotionally unstable or abusive wives who further that conflict avoidance, like the OP wife seems to be and like my MMs was, and it's a recipe for a lot of talk and no action.

[GeekLover]

The one constant is that I should be on my own before I attempt to contact my OW. It makes sense to me and is a step I am closest to.

 

I'm further into my healing than you are, and this is exactly my thinking as well...only I don't think I'll be contacting OM once I have place of my own. My focus right now and over the next little while is working on myself and learning to be alone and happy.

 

I think that might be a good place to start for you as well.

[donbar]

In my defense, since a lot of you have piled on the "you should have got on and divorced your wife when you had the chance" mantra, OW told me on numerous occasions that it would be better if I stayed in my marriage and that I was where I was supposed to be, especially regarding the illness and the suicide attempt. I think that I wouldn't be in suck a pickle if we hadn't got together on at least four occessions, spread throughout the year, and made love as though our lives depended on it. Nor would I have felt there was hope if we hadn't had such long phone conversations, up to four hours at a time. But each time we separated I would try to fix my marriage like she said, and then we would be together and it would be unbelievable.

I simply cannot understand how she could be so in love with me one minute, and then just vanish. But I see that's a theme here, and totally normal. The more I can come to terms with the normality of her behavior the easier it will be to accept it.

As for avoiding her at work, I can absolutely minimize the interaction to a bare minimum easily enough. It's just whether I'll be able to do my job professionally knowing she is so close to me, or whether I will become a mess.

I see a lot of you lumping us men all together. I don't feel like that's fair but I respect your opinions and really appreciate all your comments.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I see a lot of you lumping us men all together. I don't feel like that's fair but I respect your opinions and really appreciate all your comments.

 

 

I agree with you in that I don't feel it's fair to lump all men (or women) together, either, donbar.

 

I am always on the side of trying to encourage a married person to stay in their union for reasons of sacred commitment and the good of the family, especially the children. However, in your case I am tempted to encourage you to divorce because of what seems to me to be the depth of passionate memory you attach to your OW. It seems to me it's possible that you may be of the temperament to hold on to that for a very long time, thus making it impossible to give your marriage a chance. I personally believe some people have the ability to bond with another in a deeper way than others and it's much harder for those types to move on away from a person they have idealized to such an extent.

 

Also, though, it's possible you truly have experienced something of greater depth with your OW than you'd be able to with your wife, even if you could set your loyalty to the memory of OW aside.

 

If your relationship with OW was as you describe I believe if you became single it's very possible the two of you could eventually be together.

 

Most dating relationships don't work out and the relationship your OW is in with the new guy may likely not work out. If you left of your own accord while she was dating him it seems to me it would take a lot of pressure off of her because she wouldn't feel responsible for the break up of your marriage. To me, the situation you are in with her, given your prior behavior with her, is ideal. Because you would be divorcing, not to be with her, could work on yourself, and when she and the other guy don't work out, which may very well happen, the two of you would be in a much better place to have a new start. Your children also wouldn't associate your relationship with OW with your divorce from your wife which would make it much easier to keep your relationships with them intact.

 

I also have to side with other ladies on the forum who have stated they wouldn't want to be with a man who had such deep feelings as you have for the OW if they were the BW and knew how you felt about OW. It seems to me that it would be kind of you to give your BW the opportunity to find someone who truly loves her.

[mercy]

But each time we separated I would try to fix my marriage like she said, and then we would be together and it would be unbelievable.

I simply cannot understand how she could be so in love with me one minute, and then just vanish. It's just whether I'll be able to do my job professionally knowing she is so close to me, or whether I will become a mess.

 

 

Why can't you make a decision on your own? Why does it have to be what the wife says to do, what the OW wants .Own your choices, make them, and follow through. Yes, it's easy peasy. No complication involved.

 

See Embolden -Really you can't do your job professionally? Really? Then say home. I'm around military men all the time, they'd toss a man out if he couldn't handle everyday life. And at work no one cares, just get the job done.

 

As for all the rest? Get over being alone. I spend a lot of times long and it's awesome. ME TIME!

[Lady2163]

I know you don't think it's fair, but you're not saying anything most of us haven't read before.

 

I'm an exOW as well. I never cheated in my marriage, but I have had boyfriends cheat.

 

I think what made me walk away from this for a few minutes is how cowardly you were/are. The OW was quite possibly the love of your life and when you had the chance you didn't take it - or asked her to wait. Of course she didn't believe you about the illness. That lie is older than the hills. I had a MM hit on me four years ago and his wife was one step from the nursing home. Any day now he was sure they would have to admit her. I just ran into his wife and he a few weeks ago and this woman seems pretty vibrant to me....

 

So, now you have the chance to leave, but you'd rather stay in a miserable marriage than be alone. Life is risk. Relationships are risk. If you actually left and tried this as a single man....or a separated man, would you run back to wifey at the first sign of relationship discord? You need to actually be able to be alone and take care of yourself before you can be a decent partner.

 

You're not really proving to be a great future mate. Unless you can man up and give the OW a shot at a real relationship and happiness, I'd say let her be. Let her heal. Let her move on.

[Inya]

Hi there

 

I simply cannot understand how she could be so in love with me one minute, and then just vanish. But I see that's a theme here, and totally normal. The more I can come to terms with the normality of her behavior the easier it will be to accept it.

 

She was in love with you for 2.5 years and you were the one who were slowly "vanishing" her. Did you ever asked yourself how OW feels. Just being the OTHER woman is hard enough without any drama. She was there, always avaliable for you, patiently waiting, hoping, doubting...she just couldnt take it anymore. NC was her only helthy option because now she knows: If you really loved her the way you told her (or us), you would have left and be with her a long time ago. You were working on your marriage while in love with "the love of your life", thats a joke.

 

I'm sorry for being harsh, I'm in a lot of pain here. My MM never promised me anythig, we always knew it would be nearly imposible for us to be together, ever. But at that point I was weeling to leave my emotionaly unstable, suicidal partner, no metter what and my MM wasn't.

I don't think all MM are the same but you all have one thing in common. Men don't divorce.

 

take care

[gia37]

If my OW had told me she would be waiting for me after my attempt at D day I would have gone through with the D. I'm not looking for anything else except my OW. I'm not prepared to give up my M for anything but her. And that is too much onus on her.

 

I'm more or less the OW in your situation. On a sidenote, you write really well...

 

Re the quote:

Im 100% sure your OW loves you as much as you do and would take you back after the D, but she doesnt want to be the cause and you have to do it FOR YOURSELF.

If you cant do it for yourself, it means you are still attached to your wife and as OW I wouldn't want such a man. You must be enough strong to take the leap to deserve her. Your choice.

Edited May 1, 2017 by gia37

[wmacbride]

So I'll start this sorry story like so many others have done before me. I've been lurking here for a while. I never expected this to happen to me.

 

I am reeling from the repercussions of a PA and it has left me feeling so dreadfully low, with all the associated misery that comes with the decision to cheat. I'm not proud of my actions, I'm ashamed of them. And I realize there are 2 sides to every story, but this is my version...

 

And the whole thing began like this......

 

Been married for 27 years now. 2 grown children. After about 20 years the marriage started to unravel. The usual awful arguments, some threatening behavior on her part, throwing things of mine, storming out on me in restaurants on three occasions, no physical relationship due to a myriad of reasons, and finally she requested a D. I realize that it wasn't all her fault, but like I said, this is my story. We all think it is only happening to us....

 

The day after she said she wanted a divorce I left on a 3 day business trip. This was late in 2014.<snip>

 

[]

 

Look, you are not an awful person, but your actions sure as hell are. Sure, it;s easy to see your ow as some sort of angel", when she is nothing more than a cheater,same as you. She's not only cheated on her partner,now she's our ow, helping you to hurt your wife. What a prize catch! I wonder who she's sleeping with when you're not around? If she has any common sense, she's not putting all her eggs into your basket.

 

As for you, get over yourself. Your wife will be just fine without you, and all you can offer her right now are lies. You don't want to be with her, and you are doing her no favour by using her illness and a hundred other reasons that you cna't leave.

 

First, you blame her for your cheating, now you try and blame her for not leaving.

 

Grow up. Take some responsibility for your choices.

Edited May 30, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote and redact editorial commentary

[NTV]

Here's the thing. You have to evaluate your marriage as if the ow isn't there (she isn't) and won't come back (probably won't).

 

Do you love and want to be married to your current wife?

 

I get that you'd feel like a real dirt bag if you filed for divorce while your wife was I'll but it sounds like you've reached the one year milestone you mentioned.

 

How do you feel about having cheated on her? If you don't feel extremely guilty I'd definitely recommend divorce.

[wmacbride]

Lostgirl, thank you for your reply. It makes me sad too. I could quite happily close my eyes and never open them again. And you are right. OW would tell me regularly, "you've made no progress towards being able to be with me", and I would say, please be patient, let me get my wife through the first year.

 

I decided to stay because I cannot have my OW. She made it clear she wants to find love elsewhere. I have no interest in being single so I can look for what I had with my OW because I don't believe I would ever find it again. I want her so much it hurts. If she told me to get divorced and she would consider me once I was single I would do it. But I'm not going to get divorced and end up alone, with children who won't talk to me because I would rather be comfortable and have a companion who has become much easier to live with.

 

Your wife needs a husband who loves her, not a man who can't stop mooning about his ow.

 

Sit your wife down and TALK to her. If you are willing to subject her to a life of misery and lies because you are too scared to admit to your children that you behaved badly, then what does that say about you?

Edited May 30, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Thread Clean-up ~T