MM loses OW

[Mrs. John Adams]

Donbar... if the tables were turned.. how would you feel to know your wife says she will always love the other man.. that he is the sweetest man she has ever met.

 

Do you think it would affect you willingness to stay married to her?

 

My friend you simply cannot move forward in loving and respecting your wife the way she deserves to be cherished if you feel this way about someone else.

 

There are folks here that have explored this idea that you can love two people st once... that you feel what you feel and you cannot help what you feel.

 

And that may all be very true

 

My problem lies with the secrecy... you cannot rebuild a relationship on lies.

I am one of those folks who believes in confession. Not so much for the wayward but because I truly believe the betrayed has the right to know if the wayward is worth the work and effort it takes to stay in a marriage.

 

I cannot help but think if your wife knew how you feel about the other woman... she might decide you are not a safe and loving spouse. I think it should be her call not yours.

[Chica80]

^^^

This, times a million. I often think the same thing when I see you and Jenkins posting about the OW in your lives.

 

What you are saying and feeling is so unfair to your wives. That is not what reconciliation should be about. It is so sad. I would feel betrayed all over again if I read the same types of things from my husband. Our marriage would be over. I would be utterly humiliated, yet again. Your wives should know how you really feel. If they choose to stay after that, then at least they know the truth of their own lives

 

 

No Jenkins and OP are not saying the same thing.

 

Jenkins has admitted his mistakes. He has been honest about his struggles realizes the pain and damage he has caused and writes about how he wrks on his M.

 

He truly did care for her OW, but realized it was selfish and not a realistic outcome for him that he did love wife.

 

OP to me comes across as someone who stays because he feels he has to. Because he doesn't want to be alone, because he's too afraid to say what he really wants so takes the path of least resistance.

 

Not the same at all....

[wmacbride]

^^^

This, times a million. I often think the same thing when I see you and Jenkins posting about the OW in your lives.

 

What you are saying and feeling is so unfair to your wives. That is not what reconciliation should be about. It is so sad. I would feel betrayed all over again if I read the same types of things from my husband. Our marriage would be over. I would be utterly humiliated, yet again. Your wives should know how you really feel. If they choose to stay after that, then at least they know the truth of their own lives

 

The boded is something that really should be pinned at the top of this forum.

 

What makes one spouse think they have any right to make these major life decisions on such a one sided basis? The op's wife has every right to the knowledge she needs to make informed decisions about her life.

 

It's one thing for someone to still have feelings about the om-ow and be honest about it, it's quite another to lie and then use your bs as a combination verbal punching bag and receptacle for their hurt feelings.

 

If the ws needs time to sort out their mind. Fine. They should take all the time they need, but at least be honest with the bs so they know what's going on in their life and can make the decision of whether or not they wish to stay and go through all of that.

[jenkins95]

Jenkins old chap! Brilliant post. Stop smoking for the love of all things.....

 

Thanks Donmar and I'm really glad if my post was helpful!

 

You've inspired me to give up on the smoking.

 

Just another one to get me through the day....... Then I'm quitting!

 

And you're totally right. Ridiculous habit to take up in my 40s. It's just a little crutch to lean on.... As is pizza! But I need to get myself sorted out physically. I'm a mess and it really doesn't help.

 

I will have more to write soon on your other points.

Edited June 2, 2017 by jenkins95

[jenkins95]

No Jenkins and OP are not saying the same thing.

 

Jenkins has admitted his mistakes. He has been honest about his struggles realizes the pain and damage he has caused and writes about how he wrks on his M.

 

He truly did care for her OW, but realized it was selfish and not a realistic outcome for him that he did love wife.

 

OP to me comes across as someone who stays because he feels he has to. Because he doesn't want to be alone, because he's too afraid to say what he really wants so takes the path of least resistance.

 

Not the same at all....

 

Thanks for chipping in with this sunshine. Hope you're keeping well. I realise that an xMM writing anything positive about the OW is controversial and many people will be uncomfortable with it and consider that I am in false reconciliation. I respect all you wonderful posters and I understand if that is your stance. However, only I can truly know what is in my mind and I know that I am 100% in for reconciliation and love my wife and family.

 

I don't hate the OW and I wish her all the best. She is not a monster, she is a nice person, but one who had flaws and poor boundaries - like me. I did develop feelings (I deeply regret that) and will have occasional thoughts of her. However, I don't obsess over her, consider her my soul mate, lost love, the one that got away, etc, etc or any of that cr*p - because all that is just rainbows and unicorns stuff. She is just someone who crossed paths with me at the wrong time and made the same stupid, selfish decisions that I did. Most of my thoughts of her now are basically just regret and guilt that yet another person got hurt due to my actions, even though she is guilty too. Indeed, I think it's unhealthy to harbour too much hate - that gives them too much space in your head, space that you need to dedicate to the massive task of reconciliation and putting every effort in back home.

 

Hopefully my wife sees every day that I love my family, have remorse and am where I want to be. She sees it in my eyes and in my actions and I see it in hers. Is she still majorly pi*sed off with me? Sometimes, yes, but the love is constant.

 

Donbar needs to dig deep to see if he really wants R 100%. He needs to take time to step away from the fog, talk to his wife and see what's there, what's possible, what's left. Can they really reconnect again? I do see some encouraging signs in some of what he wrote, but perhaps that's just me. I always look for the pro-R option where possible, even if perhaps sometimes​ I should be more critical.

 

Good look Donbar, now is the time to really search your soul. Dig really, really deep. Talk, talk, talk to your wife. Try to get some connection, some common ground. Try to get a plan together.

 

We are here for you. Keep posting.

Edited June 2, 2017 by jenkins95

[deadsoul]

As always Jenkins, great post.... and I'm hoping you're serious about the smoking. It is a great gift to give to your family to quit.

 

Us waywards and our addictions though, right...?

 

Donbar, the feelings for OW are okay. I know many are going to say they aren't, but through therapy, I'm learning that we do have to grieve what we've lost. And I know that's hard for BS's to hear and I know it seems like we aren't truly in it for R. But in order for us to move forward, we have to sort through our stuff, and unfortunately the feelings for the AP are there, but we get to a point where we recognize them for what they were: not real or sustainable.

 

I read as Blue and Jenkins struggled with this, as well as others, and I do realize not admitting this to our spouse seems secretive and unfaithful. But they are experiencing enough pain and to know we are dealing with this is just another nail in the coffin. But truth be told, it is part of process and I have a hard time believing any who say it isn't. I feel that if I don't allow myself these moments to grieve and get over it, I am setting myself up to make the same bad choices again. One of my huge problems is that I'm an avoider.... and I'm learning to go through instead of around. And I've also noticed that since I've given myself "permission" to have these feelings and give myself time to think and ruminate on them, that they are happening less and less. Before, I could not stop thinking and kept trying to fight it and it just made it worse.

 

At the same time, Donbar, if you aren't able to let it go and put it in the place it belongs in, then some communication about it with your spouse is in order and it may be a sign that maybe you and your spouse are not going to make it through R.

[wmacbride]

As always Jenkins, great post.... and I'm hoping you're serious about the smoking. It is a great gift to give to your family to quit.

 

Us waywards and our addictions though, right...?

 

Donbar, the feelings for OW are okay. I know many are going to say they aren't, but through therapy, I'm learning that we do have to grieve what we've lost. And I know that's hard for BS's to hear and I know it seems like we aren't truly in it for R. But in order for us to move forward, we have to sort through our stuff, and unfortunately the feelings for the AP are there, but we get to a point where we recognize them for what they were: not real or sustainable.

 

I read as Blue and Jenkins struggled with this, as well as others, and I do realize not admitting this to our spouse seems secretive and unfaithful. But they are experiencing enough pain and to know we are dealing with this is just another nail in the coffin. But truth be told, it is part of process and I have a hard time believing any who say it isn't. I feel that if I don't allow myself these moments to grieve and get over it, I am setting myself up to make the same bad choices again. One of my huge problems is that I'm an avoider.... and I'm learning to go through instead of around. And I've also noticed that since I've given myself "permission" to have these feelings and give myself time to think and ruminate on them, that they are happening less and less. Before, I could not stop thinking and kept trying to fight it and it just made it worse.

 

At the same time, Donbar, if you aren't able to let it go and put it in the place it belongs in, then some communication about it with your spouse is in order and it may be a sign that maybe you and your spouse are not going to make it through R.

 

Deadsoul, I'm sorry, but this thinking is part of what leads to affairs in the first place. The secrecy and deception.

 

I'm not sure if you've ever been a bs, but the one thing many bs want more than anything else is complete honesty. I'm not talking about a ws rubbing it in the bs's face, but the honesty is so important. It can be something as simple as saying " I am so sorry I hurt you, but I admit I still think about my affair partner sometimes. It's getting better though, and thank you for standing beside me through all of this".

 

I an only speak for myself, but I didn't want to be protected, I didn't want trickle truthing or half the story. We are not children, and our ws have already wounded us deeply. It's far too late to be worried about our feelings.

 

As I saw it, I wanted, no I needed, the truth, and hearing it hurt. The saving grace was that at least I knew where I stood, and could make decisions based on that. I flat out asked my husband if he still thought of her sometimes, an if he had lied, I couldn't have stayed with him. I never told him that, as I was giving him a chnace to rebuild trust. I needed to see what he would do on his own.

 

btw, if your therapist is for you only, he or she may not be giving you advice that is best for your marriage. That is not his or her role. They are concerned with your well being first, which isn't a bad thing.Just keep in mind that any advice given will reflect this, and even though it might be easier fro you, it may harm your marriage. In your shoes, I would filter any recommendations she makes through the lens of your marriage and your bs. Ask yourself how you would feel about the advice if you were in your husband's shoes.

 

I'm not saying any of this to give you a hard time, and I very much admire the work you are putting in to try and recover your marriage. The thing is that you've had all sorts of time to come to terms with it, work through it and accept it. You have all the knowledge you need to make informed decisions about your life. Your husband is likely still somewhat shell shocked and may be trying to sort through all of this. He has not had the time to come to terms with it, and any deception on your part could be the death knell for your marriage. Yes, the honesty may tear his heart out at first, but in the end, you will have given him a great gift.

 

As always, this is just my opinion and I could be way off. you know your husband and his personality best. what do you think he would want?

Edited June 3, 2017 by wmacbride

[deadsoul]

Deadsoul, I'm sorry, but this thinking is part of what leads to affairs in the first place. The secrecy and deception.

 

I agree

 

I'm not sure if you've ever been a bs, but the one thing many bs want more than anything else is complete honesty. I'm not talking about a ws rubbing it in the bs's face, but the honesty is so important. It can be something as simple as saying " I am so sorry I hurt you, but I admit I still think about my affair partner sometimes. It's getting better though, and thank you for standing beside me through all of this".

 

I agree with this.

 

I an only speak for myself, but I didn't want to be protected, I didn't want trickle truthing or half the story. We are not children, and our ws have already wounded us deeply. It's far too late to be worried about our feelings.

 

As I saw it, I wanted, no I needed, the truth, and hearing it hurt. The saving grace was that at least I knew where I stood, and could make decisions based on that. I flat out asked my husband if he still thought of her sometimes, an if he had lied, I couldn't have stayed with him. I never told him that, as I was giving him a chnace to rebuild trust. I needed to see what he would do on his own.

 

btw, if your therapist is for you only, he or she may not be giving you advice that is best for your marriage. That is not his or her role. They are concerned with your well being first, which isn't a bad thing.Just keep in mind that any advice given will reflect this, and even though it might be easier fro you, it may harm your marriage. In your shoes, I would filter any recommendations she makes through the lens of your marriage and your bs. Ask yourself how you would feel about the advice if you were in your husband's shoes.

 

This is the MC. This is how it was put: when we have emotions or feelings, it is okay to have them. It is not okay to act on them. If H asks me if I'm still thinking about OM, I answer him honestly.

 

I'm not saying any of this to give you a hard time, and I very much admire the work you are putting in to try and recover your marriage. The thing is that you've had all sorts of time to come to terms with it, work through it and accept it. You have all the knowledge you need to make informed decisions about your life. Your husband is likely still somewhat shell shocked and may be trying to sort through all of this. He has not had the time to come to terms with it, and any deception on your part could be the death knell for your marriage. Yes, the honesty may tear his heart out at first, but in the end, you will have given him a great gift.

 

As always, this is just my opinion and I could be way off. you know your husband and his personality best. what do you think he would want?

 

My point is, and it's a sticky one, yes, we do still think about our APs. But I'm not going to offer that information to BH. If he asks me, I tell him honestly. He's angry with me. He has feelings of hatred and anger, but he doesn't act on those feelings of hatred and anger. See what I mean? I do not pine for my AP. But I am allowing myself to grieve for him. If I don't, I'm at risk of starting all this again. If I'm constantly thinking of AP, then I am not doing my part in reconciliation and I need to speak up and tell H, hey this isn't working. Like I said, the thoughts are less and less. I will never deny having them, that would be where the deception and secrecy starts again. But I'm not going to say, "Hey H, I was thinking about AP today and I still miss him." That's not helpful for anyone, especially H.

 

PS: that information came out in counseling so he's aware of what I'm dealing with... but I don't think we should focus on it because the focus is HIM right now. Not me.

Edited June 3, 2017 by deadsoul

[AlwaysGrowing]

My point is, and it's a sticky one, yes, we do still think about our APs. But I'm not going to offer that information to BH. If he asks me, I tell him honestly. He's angry with me. He has feelings of hatred and anger, but he doesn't act on those feelings of hatred and anger. See what I mean? I do not pine for my AP. But I am allowing myself to grieve for him. If I don't, I'm at risk of starting all this again. If I'm constantly thinking of AP, then I am not doing my part in reconciliation and I need to speak up and tell H, hey this isn't working. Like I said, the thoughts are less and less. I will never deny having them, that would be where the deception and secrecy starts again. But I'm not going to say, "Hey H, I was thinking about AP today and I still miss him." That's not helpful for anyone, especially H.

 

PS: that information came out in counseling so he's aware of what I'm dealing with... but I don't think we should focus on it because the focus is HIM right now. Not me.

 

What those like minded WS/FWS fail to acknowledge to themselves is that they are looking back fondly grieving an individual who deeply injured their BS.

 

Would we feel like our partner cared about us if we were hit crossing the street and our SO lamented in their head...wow that driver sure had awesome hair, their car was the bomb, I feel so bad about the cracked windshield they got, I sure do miss seeing that collision? Or would we feel....my SO is so wrapped up in themselves all they see/feel is how it effected them? Would one feel like their SO is on "their side" at all?

 

Yes, initially a WS might not feel that way about the AP but for a successful R a WS has to feel the affair as their BS experienced it.... anything less is just lip service towards owning the hurt that was caused.

[deadsoul]

What those like minded WS/FWS fail to acknowledge to themselves is that they are looking back fondly grieving an individual who deeply injured their BS.

 

Would we feel like our partner cared about us if we were hit crossing the street and our SO lamented in their head...wow that driver sure had awesome hair, their car was the bomb, I feel so bad about the cracked windshield they got, I sure do miss seeing that collision? Or would we feel....my SO is so wrapped up in themselves all they see/feel is how it effected them? Would one feel like their SO is on "their side" at all?

 

Yes, initially a WS might not feel that way about the AP but for a successful R a WS has to feel the affair as their BS experienced it.... anything less is just lip service towards owning the hurt that was caused.

 

Agree. And that's what I'm working hard toward. I wish it would happen for me over night, but it hasn't. But it is so much better and I truly believe I will get there. But I'm the first to admit, I'm not there yet.

[somanymistakes]

Humans with functional empathy often do feel a little bit of sympathy for the driver in an accident, depending on the circumstances, especially if they knew and loved that driver beforehand.

 

There's a difference between having fond thoughts about the affair, which was a mistake that caused a lot of harm, and about the human being involved, who is capable of being just as caring and just as flawed as the WS.

 

If reconciliation is only possible by splitting and casting all blame for the affair onto the head of the evil, demonic AP instead of the remorseful WS, then perhaps reconciliation is a bad idea.

[road]

Deadsoul, I'm sorry, but this thinking is part of what leads to affairs in the first place. The secrecy and deception.

 

I'm not sure if you've ever been a bs, but the one thing many bs want more than anything else is complete honesty. I'm not talking about a ws rubbing it in the bs's face, but the honesty is so important. It can be something as simple as saying " I am so sorry I hurt you, but I admit I still think about my affair partner sometimes. It's getting better though, and thank you for standing beside me through all of this".

 

I an only speak for myself, but I didn't want to be protected, I didn't want trickle truthing or half the story. We are not children, and our ws have already wounded us deeply. It's far too late to be worried about our feelings.

 

As I saw it, I wanted, no I needed, the truth, and hearing it hurt. The saving grace was that at least I knew where I stood, and could make decisions based on that. I flat out asked my husband if he still thought of her sometimes, an if he had lied, I couldn't have stayed with him. I never told him that, as I was giving him a chnace to rebuild trust. I needed to see what he would do on his own.

 

btw, if your therapist is for you only, he or she may not be giving you advice that is best for your marriage. That is not his or her role. They are concerned with your well being first, which isn't a bad thing.Just keep in mind that any advice given will reflect this, and even though it might be easier fro you, it may harm your marriage. In your shoes, I would filter any recommendations she makes through the lens of your marriage and your bs. Ask yourself how you would feel about the advice if you were in your husband's shoes.

 

I'm not saying any of this to give you a hard time, and I very much admire the work you are putting in to try and recover your marriage. The thing is that you've had all sorts of time to come to terms with it, work through it and accept it. You have all the knowledge you need to make informed decisions about your life. Your husband is likely still somewhat shell shocked and may be trying to sort through all of this. He has not had the time to come to terms with it, and any deception on your part could be the death knell for your marriage. Yes, the honesty may tear his heart out at first, but in the end, you will have given him a great gift.

 

As always, this is just my opinion and I could be way off. you know your husband and his personality best. what do you think he would want?

 

My point is, and it's a sticky one, yes, we do still think about our APs. But I'm not going to offer that information to BH. If he asks me, I tell him honestly. He's angry with me. He has feelings of hatred and anger, but he doesn't act on those feelings of hatred and anger. See what I mean? I do not pine for my AP. But I am allowing myself to grieve for him. If I don't, I'm at risk of starting all this again. If I'm constantly thinking of AP, then I am not doing my part in reconciliation and I need to speak up and tell H, hey this isn't working. Like I said, the thoughts are less and less. I will never deny having them, that would be where the deception and secrecy starts again. But I'm not going to say, "Hey H, I was thinking about AP today and I still miss him." That's not helpful for anyone, especially H.

 

PS: that information came out in counseling so he's aware of what I'm dealing with... but I don't think we should focus on it because the focus is HIM right now. Not me.

 

It is normal for the WS to grieve the end of the affair.

 

The WS has to get pass their feelings for their AP. People forget that the

WS rewrote their marriage history to falsely justify them having an affair

in the first place.

 

Yes some WS can defog and detox from their AP at once on D day, though

some not all. So others can take a while.

 

Unless the BS asks the WS are you still carrying a torch for the AP it is

best that the WS does not volunteer this. Volunteering in not being asked.

[road]

Humans with functional empathy often do feel a little bit of sympathy for the driver in an accident, depending on the circumstances, especially if they knew and loved that driver beforehand.

 

There's a difference between having fond thoughts about the affair, which was a mistake that caused a lot of harm, and about the human being involved, who is capable of being just as caring and just as flawed as the WS.

 

If reconciliation is only possible by splitting and casting all blame for the affair onto the head of the evil, demonic AP instead of the remorseful WS, then perhaps reconciliation is a bad idea.

 

There is no motivation or need for the BS to ever forgive the AP.

 

Normal for the BS to be mad as hell at the WS. However there is

motivation for the BS to forgive their WS because recovery can

never happen.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Humans with functional empathy often do feel a little bit of sympathy for the driver in an accident, depending on the circumstances, especially if they knew and loved that driver beforehand.

 

There's a difference between having fond thoughts about the affair, which was a mistake that caused a lot of harm, and about the human being involved, who is capable of being just as caring and just as flawed as the WS.

 

If reconciliation is only possible by splitting and casting all blame for the affair onto the head of the evil, demonic AP instead of the remorseful WS, then perhaps reconciliation is a bad idea.

 

 

An AP is wholly responsible for their role as the AP.

 

Through the lens of a BS (the only lens the AP has given the BS), is one of an uncaring, unsympathetic, lacking empathy, selfish person towards the BS. That is who the AP has decided to be to the BS.

 

That is not to say that the WS was all those as well. However, the WS has also shown love, caring, friendship... etc in the relationship towards the BS.

 

It is unrealistic for an AP or a WS/FWS to ever expect a BS to feel that the AP was anything other that what the AP has shown themselves to be towards the BS.

 

In a relationship that is so completely entwined as one in marriage, if one person (BS) has another person (AP) who caused them life-leveling pain, to have their SO(WS) hold fond memories/missing that person is in essence splitting their loyalty in the marriage team of two.

 

That is not to say one should cultivate hate or rewrite the AP as the only wrong doer....just that the WS sees the AP through the experience that the BS has of the AP.

 

Everyone decides who they are to those we encounter/touch in life...if we choose to enter someones life in a painful way.... that was the calling card we left... we can not call foul or redo when they view us exactly the way we were to them.

[donbar]

I've been rather busy this weekend, but will respond when able to specific questions.

Thanks all for some thoughtful comments.

[donbar]

I posted a long reply to some of the questions 2 days ago but it has not appeared. Here's hoping it hasn't been lost...

[donbar]

Update:Things have been improving. After finding an excellent blog by a man who had cheated, and reading other similar work I have really begun to realize what I need to do to a) get my life with my wife back in order, and b) stop grieving the OW.

 

Much to some of your disappointment I will not confess. And here is why..

 

1. My wife has a history of depression, suicidal thoughts, one serious attempt and a number of threats to carry it out to both me and my children. I see nothing good that can come from the obvious misery that I would cause.

 

2. One of my children was cheated on by a LTP (after my affair started) and they were crushed. In the ensuing mess they told me that they absolutely detest cheaters. I'm not going to lose contact with one of my children, possibly forever just to purge my guilt.

 

3. I have figured out most of the causes for my affair and why it continued for so long. I know that I must forgive myself, put the past behind me and move on.

 

4. I have finally reasoned that my OW may never admit that she still loves me, but I know she does, and I will always love her, but I will never see her again, nor contact her. This is for her as much as for me, because she deserves to be happy.

 

5. This may annoy some of you, but I am grateful for what she brought to my life at a time when I was at my lowest. She is a graceful, kind, wonderful woman, and I will not, nor do I need to ever wonder if she loves me, why we had to stop, and where her anger came from. I know.

 

6. Finally, the really good bit: My wife and I have been getting on really really well. Laughing and having fun, dates, silliness, joy even. I really do realize why I married her....

Edited June 9, 2017 by donbar
grammar

[aileD]

Glad you are progressing. You only have to justify your reasons to yourself

 

May I ask about the blog? Could you share the link? I'm interested in reading

[donbar]

I have tried to find the link to no avail. I had been typing various questions into google search to try and find it. I tried affair recovery. anyway, I read it and liked what I read.

Sorry. It's there, we, we band of cheaters and WSs, we are not alone. That awful, terrible, gut punching, breathe sucking misery that only we know is being experienced by so many out there. Know that you are not alone. Know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. know that life will go on...

[lostgirl87]

Update:Things have been improving. After finding an excellent blog by a man who had cheated, and reading other similar work I have really begun to realize what I need to do to a) get my life with my wife back in order, and b) stop grieving the OW.

 

Much to some of your disappointment I will not confess. And here is why..

 

1. My wife has a history of depression, suicidal thoughts, one serious attempt and a number of threats to carry it out to both me and my children. I see nothing good that can come from the obvious misery that I would cause.

 

2. One of my children was cheated on by a LTP (after my affair started) and they were crushed. In the ensuing mess they told me that they absolutely detest cheaters. I'm not going to lose contact with one of my children, possibly forever just to purge my guilt.

 

3. I have figured out most of the causes for my affair and why it continued for so long. I know that I must forgive myself, put the past behind me and move on.

 

4. I have finally reasoned that my OW may never admit that she still loves me, but I know she does, and I will always love her, but I will never see her again, nor contact her. This is for her as much as for me, because she deserves to be happy.

 

5. This may annoy some of you, but I am grateful for what she brought to my life at a time when I was at my lowest. She is a graceful, kind, wonderful woman, and I will not, nor do I need to ever wonder if she loves me, why we had to stop, and where her anger came from. I know.

 

6. Finally, the really good bit: My wife and I have been getting on really really well. Laughing and having fun, dates, silliness, joy even. I really do realize why I married her....

I don't blame you for not confessing. I'll be 100% honest: if I were being cheated on, I would rather not know IF my partner realized his mistake and was no longer involved with that person. If it's already over and my partner chose to stay with me and is working on our relationship, why ruin it?

 

I'm glad you're doing better and enjoying life and your marriage. Such great news for you!

[waterwoman]

Hi donbar, glad things are improving for you and your wife. I usually advise honesty but I can see why you think it would do harm. But if you aren't going to give your wife the truth you need to work all the harder to build your marriage again, love and prioritise your wife, and not idealise your OW. Above all don't keep a flame burning for her for years - your wife doesn't know, she is defenceless against this, it will be the ultimate disrespect to keep a shrine to the OW in your heart. And for many BS who do know about the affair it is the ultimate fear.

 

Also, many times on LS I have seen WS asked to 'imagine if it was your child being cheated on like you are doing, how would you feel?' I'd love to know how you felt. Did it make you doubt yourself? Did you have compassion for your child? Anger for her partner? Just curious whether it made you uncomfortable?

 

Hope you don't mind the questions.

 

 

Good luck and keep up the good work

[donbar]

Hello Waterwoman and LG. I came to the same conclusion about confessing. I am actively working on a much better marriage. We have had numerous discussions recently about working on our marriage and we both want it to work. Last night we had a date and it was amazing. She looked so beautiful, and I feel very lucky to have survived such a terrible few years. I wouldn't want to go through that again for the world.

 

Regarding the OW, she is not on a pedestal at all. I am just very grateful that she came into my life and gave me a sense of worth. I know it was wrong, but like I said, I cannot do anything about the past except to ensure I never repeat it. I'm feeling stronger every day. I'm still very sad that I caused her so much pain, but I do believe her recovery was months ahead of mine and I know she will be ok because she is so strong.

 

Regarding my child being cheated on...it was interesting from my perspective because having lost my OW I understood explicitly the pain they felt of a lost love. I could also empathize with the partner under the circumstances so I think I was in a very strong position to provide the emotional support my child needed.

It also reinforced the damage cheating caused and made me even more determined to never let it happen again. Which it won't..

[donbar]

I thought I saw OW at work today. It wasn't her but good heavens, what a terrible let down my body is. I could feel my composure literally draining out of me.

It was an immense relief when I realized it wasn't her.

This is not easy at all. Still working on it......

[solonely9]

Maybe it is this blog?

 

affairadvice.wordpress.com

[waterwoman]

I like that blog solonely. I have visited it many times in the past - sometimes it made me cry and shout at the screen, but by and large it seems a balanced POV.