MM loses OW

[donbar]

Hi Donbar, I am an XBS, I say X as my husband and I are almost 10 yrs on from D Day when he told me about his affair. He in now ex military, 26 yrs service, I also ex, 10 yrs service. His affair came after a dreadful time in Iraq, after the A he had counselling from combat stress and is learning to cope with his demons, we both go together so I can help and he has IC. Just giving you some background, I know all about the life of a service wife and how much we support our partners when they go on deployment.

 

When my H told me about the affair I went totally bat**** crazy, I am so, so not a shouter, a thrower or a hitter, I have worked with domestic abuse and hate all violence. BUT, when H told me I totally lost the plot, I threw whatever I could get my hands on, not at him but that was more luck than judgment, I smashed each and every photograph of us together, I had to ask him to leave the house as I feared what I could do next. I clenched my fists together so hard I popped the knuckles, I then collapsed in a heap and cried for hours. I can tell you that this is so not who I know myself to me, but at that moment, confronted by a truth I never, ever saw coming, my head imploded and I can honestly say that if I had been mentally assessed in the hours or three afterwards I was sectioning material and I mean that, as an ex mental health worker I realised that I was almost catatonic.

 

I am not proud of my rage, my reaction any of it. The person I needed to hold me and tell me everything was OK was sat in front of me moving his mouth, looking scared and worried and sorry for me and I wanted to run to him and have a cuddle, but he was the one who had hurt me. I have huge personal issues, mainly with trust, when H told me my world just almost dropped off its axis, I went out of control, it was like watching a film of me, he and chaos.

 

When he came back after I rang him and said it's OK, things are calmer, he came back, we both cried, we both held each other and I asked him to forgive my outburst, he couldn't understand why I would ask, as he saw it, he felt that he had hurt me far more, even if you couldn't see it. His take was that if my pain were bruises I would be battered beyond belief. He was right, but it doesn't make physical attacks any less heinous. Any violence is wrong, shouting, throwing and emotional abuse, anything that hurts another is wrong.

 

Why am I telling you this? not to condone what has happened to you, maybe to try to explain it, where it might have come from. Sounds from your earlier posts that you both had a volatile relationship, not sure if she had made a habit out of hitting you or you of throwing stuff, but it does sound a bit hectic. I will again say that physical violence is wrong, but I would have taken a punch or three rather than have H lie, break my trust and have an affair. There I have said it, I can only speak for me, no one else and am not saying anyone should, but the relentless pain of an A is soul destroying.

 

We are reconciled, we are happy, both of us stayed for love of the other, it works for us. If you and your wife are unhappy then leave, make plans and everything else that has been suggested and go. It really is that easy, easier than the long, drawn out suffering of a relationship that is dead. That way both you and your wife can heal and maybe in time find someone else.

 

I remember when H and I first got together and it was, like all of us at the beginning of a love affair, like unicorns, sparkles, the whole damned fairy tale was going on and had only happened to us. It, of course, fades over time, but if one thing the A taught us was that if we want that, then we have to make time to keep it alive. If you and your wife are past that, if there is no hope, then go, be honest, the worse thing about affairs aren't the sex or intimacy our partners do with someone else behind our backs, it is the lies they say to our face. I so wish both you and your family well and a healthy, happy future. x

 

Wow! Thank you your honesty. I certainly understand that the shock of hearing news like that is terrible. I am very grateful for you writing so candidly. And I'm so happy you stayed together and worked it out.

 

I have not and will not tell my wife of my A. It's over and I am coping with that.

I will not put her through that angst. Not just because that is exactly how she would react (I'm guessing your H had no idea you would react like that since you've never behaved like that before). She has had explosive episodes over stuff that should have been inconsequential. Also she has attempted suicide, and she punched me because I admitted I had confided in a male friend about my marriage woes and that I had told him I wanted out of our M. I was trying to be honest and look where it got me.

 

I'm trying to get a new counsellor sorted out. LS is all well and good but I'm not doing so great with handling this.

[waterwoman]

I tend to agree with Seren that the impact of dday can trigger the most unexpected behaviour. I also agree that I'd rather have been physically attacked than cheated on - sounds crazy but there we are. Obviously not all of us feel that way.

 

I suspect your wife is terrified of losing you - and she shows it in the very worst way. The conversation about discussing your marriage and possible divorce would have been so painful for her. As i said before I pity her from the bottom of my heart I really do. But there has to be consequences for bad behaviour and just as she didn't deserve to be cheated on, you don't deserve to be assaulted.

 

Of course your children are angry - they love the both of you and they can see your actions as hurting one of their parents. They will get used to the idea in time - or they won't, who knows - and life will go on.

 

I can only wish you the very best in your new life. I also secretly hope it will be a new start for your wife - after all she has already lost you so her greatest fear will be behind her.

[knabe]

Your kids getting angry when you told them that-(( tells more about them than you, they are not grownups (unable to love and take care of themselves and have empathy for you its all about their fears ( seems you have something to teach them still-( Seems they have learned from your wife:o think about yourself:o

 

That's a pretty harsh assessment of CHILDREN who fear the ramifications of their family breaking up - sheesh!

[LivingWaterPlease]

That's a pretty harsh assessment of CHILDREN who fear the ramifications of their family breaking up - sheesh!

 

They're grown, not children. However, have heard the older kids are the harder it is for them to go through divorce of their parents. Don't know if that applies to grown children or not.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Feel free to ask. I'm getting used to LS now..

 

Was wondering about telling your son or daughter about the possibility of divorce before you tell your wife and if you're concerned they may tell her before you get around to it. Seems to me it would be easier for your wife to hear the news that you may divorce first or from you, rather than one of your kids. However, you may know your son/daughter to be discrete and not apt to tell their mom.

 

Good news that you're going to go to a counselor!

 

If you truly thought that your marriage was salvageable at this point would you be at all interested in trying to save it? Do you love your wife?

[donbar]

Was wondering about telling your son or daughter about the possibility of divorce before you tell your wife and if you're concerned they may tell her before you get around to it. Seems to me it would be easier for your wife to hear the news that you may divorce first or from you, rather than one of your kids. However, you may know your son/daughter to be discrete and not apt to tell their mom.

 

Good news that you're going to go to a counselor!

 

If you truly thought that your marriage was salvageable at this point would you be at all interested in trying to save it? Do you love your wife?

 

 

It came up b/c it turns out she told one of my children that she had hit me. They wanted to know why and so the conversation evolved and since I was told I was not to let her know that she had told them I explained what was transpiring. Plus the conversation of D has come up before with both children.

 

I have had very different thoughts towards my wife since the pummeling. Now I'm unsure of how I feel about her..

[LivingWaterPlease]

It came up b/c it turns out she told one of my children that she had hit me. They wanted to know why and so the conversation evolved and since I was told I was not to let her know that she had told them I explained what was transpiring. Plus the conversation of D has come up before with both children.

 

I have had very different thoughts towards my wife since the pummeling. Now I'm unsure of how I feel about her..

 

 

I see. I don't care for it when someone tells me information about another and tells me not to tell the other person they talked to me. Particularly for a spouse to confide in his/her son or daughter and say not to tell the other spouse. Not good at all for many reasons.

 

Do you know what reason she gave your son or daughter for hitting you?

 

So glad you're going to a counselor. Seems to me there's a lot to sort out with someone qualified to walk through it with you.

Edited June 20, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[wmacbride]

op,

if you are going to move forward from this, you are going to have to accept responsibility for your choices.

 

You didn't cheat because she hit you. If anything, that only happened recently, and I have a strong suspicion she thinks you have had an A.

 

She should never have hit you. That's a given, and from all you say, you haven't been treating her any better. ( look up the term gaslighting, which is what you have been doing to your wife, and ask any bs how that can affect their mental health).

 

You could both benefit from some time apart. Your kids are grown, so you don;t need to wrangle a sitter. Line up some support for your wife and then take that time.

 

A big part of you recovering from all of this is taking stock of your role in all of this. I'm not saying that to run you down, but there isn't a husband or wife, living or dead, that couldn't benefit from a "tune up". I'm saying this not just if your reconcile, but even if you divorce. You've cheated on your spouse. Do you feel you could cheat again ( on your current wife or in your next relationship) if the circumstances were ripe for it?

 

Personally, I don't believe that it's always true that "once a cheater, always a cheater", but there are people who are not suited to long term monogamy. Do you think that applies to you, or are you a one woman kind of guy?

[donbar]

op,

if you are going to move forward from this, you are going to have to accept responsibility for your choices.

 

You didn't cheat because she hit you. If anything, that only happened recently, and I have a strong suspicion she thinks you have had an A.

 

She should never have hit you. That's a given, and from all you say, you haven't been treating her any better. ( look up the term gaslighting, which is what you have been doing to your wife, and ask any bs how that can affect their mental health).

 

You could both benefit from some time apart. Your kids are grown, so you don;t need to wrangle a sitter. Line up some support for your wife and then take that time.

 

A big part of you recovering from all of this is taking stock of your role in all of this. I'm not saying that to run you down, but there isn't a husband or wife, living or dead, that couldn't benefit from a "tune up". I'm saying this not just if your reconcile, but even if you divorce. You've cheated on your spouse. Do you feel you could cheat again ( on your current wife or in your next relationship) if the circumstances were ripe for it?

 

Personally, I don't believe that it's always true that "once a cheater, always a cheater", but there are people who are not suited to long term monogamy. Do you think that applies to you, or are you a one woman kind of guy?

 

One woman. That's all I need. I cheated because I was told she wanted a divorce, the stars aligned, I met the OW, I was sick and tired of the arguments, and I wish I hadn't. But I did. No turning back.

 

Went to a new counsellor today. W went to one too. She came home and won't talk to me. I feel much much better after my meeting.

[Mrs. John Adams]

One woman. That's all I need. I cheated because I was told she wanted a divorce, the stars aligned, I met the OW, I was sick and tired of the arguments, and I wish I hadn't. But I did. No turning back.

 

Went to a new counsellor today. W went to one too. She came home and won't talk to me. I feel much much better after my meeting.

 

Bull hockey

 

 

You cheated because you WANTED to

 

Stop it...just STOP it

 

You may be cinvincing yourself of this crap...but those of us who have walked this path...ARE NOT BUYING IT

 

So who are you trying to conviince...us or you? Becasue US know better

[MJJean]

They're grown, not children. However, have heard the older kids are the harder it is for them to go through divorce of their parents. Don't know if that applies to grown children or not.

 

They're freaking adults. If they can't handle their parents divorce I fear for their ability to handle living on planet Earth.

[donbar]

I told my counsellor about this and he totally echoed your sentiments...Life is not perfect, get used to it, is what he said (I'm paraphrasing, he did it with long, clever words)

[donbar]

Oh, I wish my Dad had divorced my Mom. Would have been great......I think he would have lived longer...

[Mrs. John Adams]

Hopefully he echos a lot of the comments we have all shared here. If he is a good therapist...he will.

[donbar]

Oh come on Mrs JA! This sub-forum has huge bias. We have the following:

 

1. I cheated and am remorseful but haven't admitted it

2. I was cheated on and am bereft

3. I cheated, am remorseful, admitted it

4. I cheated and I don't care

5. I was cheated on and I don't care

 

Each one has stereotypical responses. You, for instance, were (heiniously) preyed upon by a Professor who committed a cardinal sin. It was a very long time ago, but it had such a profound effect on you that you champion the "Confess" mantra. The reality is that whilst you did "cheat" you were a young woman with little experience of life who was grossly taken advantage of. Obviously this had a dreadful affect upon your husband who has stood beside you. Unsurprisingly it has shaped your personality and you now campaign to have all cheaters confess.

 

So is he a good counsellor? Well, he never echoed your opinion. But I liked him anyway.

[Furious]

One woman. That's all I need. I cheated because I was told she wanted a divorce, the stars aligned, I met the OW, I was sick and tired of the arguments, and I wish I hadn't. But I did. No turning back

 

I get the feeling your wife lashed out she wanted a divorce expecting it to be a wake up call. Your wife was ill and sometimes people say things that they don't mean. If someone is serious about divorce they go to a lawyer and depending on the divorce procedure in their jurisdiction they follow through with the definitive steps toward it.

 

Nothing you say points to the steps or actuality of your wife wanting to divorce you, it appears she didn't truly mean it and it appears you chose to use her words as a green light to cheat instead of seeking a divorce lawyer on your behalf and the entire situation was a stalemate.

 

At this point you're still together, and it's only become more complicated.

I get the feeling you're not here for constructive advice but more so for a sounding board and sympathy.

 

Your getting a bit of everything from people here. Many have opened up about their own experience from both sides and many have given gentle optimism, and many have called you out.

 

In the end, it's your life and you will do or not do that best suits you.

 

Often the best advice is the advice that is tough to digest and follow through with.

 

I get that you're defensive. It's obvious you're here to soothe your loss of the affair partner and not on fixing or leaving your marriage.

 

You've touched a nerve with both betrayed spouses and OW from different angles. What does stand out is you're in control of your own narrative and how you expect it to be perceived.

 

You'll be where you want to be even if you don't like it.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Oh come on Mrs JA! This sub-forum has huge bias. We have the following:

 

1. I cheated and am remorseful but haven't admitted it

2. I was cheated on and am bereft

3. I cheated, am remorseful, admitted it

4. I cheated and I don't care

5. I was cheated on and I don't care

 

Each one has stereotypical responses. You, for instance, were (heiniously) preyed upon by a Professor who committed a cardinal sin. It was a very long time ago, but it had such a profound effect on you that you champion the "Confess" mantra. The reality is that whilst you did "cheat" you were a young woman with little experience of life who was grossly taken advantage of. Obviously this had a dreadful affect upon your husband who has stood beside you. Unsurprisingly it has shaped your personality and you now campaign to have all cheaters confess.

 

So is he a good counsellor? Well, he never echoed your opinion. But I liked him anyway.

 

I liked my therapist too..until she decided to project her opinions onto us and tried to say our opinions were her opinions.

 

oh yes...therapists are a dime a dozen...take your pick

[donbar]

I get the feeling your wife lashed out she wanted a divorce expecting it to be a wake up call. Your wife was ill and sometimes people say things that they don't mean. If someone is serious about divorce they go to a lawyer and depending on the divorce procedure in their jurisdiction they follow through with the definitive steps toward it.

 

Nothing you say points to the steps or actuality of your wife wanting to divorce you, it appears she didn't truly mean it and it appears you chose to use her words as a green light to cheat instead of seeking a divorce lawyer on your behalf and the entire situation was a stalemate.

 

At this point you're still together, and it's only become more complicated.

I get the feeling you're not here for constructive advice but more so for a sounding board and sympathy.

 

Your getting a bit of everything from people here. Many have opened up about their own experience from both sides and many have given gentle optimism, and many have called you out.

 

In the end, it's your life and you will do or not do that best suits you.

 

Often the best advice is the advice that is tough to digest and follow through with.

 

I get that you're defensive. It's obvious you're here to soothe your loss of the affair partner and not on fixing or leaving your marriage.

 

You've touched a nerve with both betrayed spouses and OW from different angles. What does stand out is you're in control of your own narrative and how you expect it to be perceived.

 

You'll be where you want to be even if you don't like it.

 

1. My wife wasn't ill when she said she wanted a D.

2. Actually I have received a number of PMs of support from OW who don't want to publicly post for fear of being ridiculed by the more extreme members.

3. When people have been married for a quarter century the whole D suggestion takes on a different tone.

4. Constructive advice is great when its not nasty or rude or ridiculing. It would appear that those who have been calling me out are having their posts deleted. I wonder why??

[donbar]

I liked my therapist too..until she decided to project her opinions onto us and tried to say our opinions were her opinions.

 

oh yes...therapists are a dime a dozen...take your pick

 

And your point is what? That because my counsellor didn't actually echo your opinions he is a dime a dozen? That makes no logical sense. In one hour with a PROFESSIONAL I learnt a lot. It was enlightening. He knew what he was talking about.

[Mrs. John Adams]

And your point is what? That because my counsellor didn't actually echo your opinions he is a dime a dozen? That makes no logical sense. In one hour with a PROFESSIONAL I learnt a lot. It was enlightening. He knew what he was talking about.

 

nope...not at all...just giving you a warning..that all therapist are not great

and to be careful in choosing one

[donbar]

Well I agree with that. Not my first counsellor. Always MC. Not been impressed until now.

[Furious]

1. My wife wasn't ill when she said she wanted a D.

2. Actually I have received a number of PMs of support from OW who don't want to publicly post for fear of being ridiculed by the more extreme members.

3. When people have been married for a quarter century the whole D suggestion takes on a different tone.

4. Constructive advice is great when its not nasty or rude or ridiculing. It would appear that those who have been calling me out are having their posts deleted. I wonder why??

 

 

I suppose there are many definitions of constructive advice, but if it leaves someone in the same spot it might be time to reevaluate the advice or how one interpreted it.

 

Seems you're getting the support you need and you've chosen the path the suits you.

[MidnightBlue1980]

2. Actually I have received a number of PMs of support from OW who don't want to publicly post for fear of being ridiculed by the more extreme members.

 

Yeah.

 

Be wary of those who come bearing gifts. I also got a barrage of PMs from guys when I was new here. You are in the equivalent of a sex addicts forum. The newbies are always fresh meat.

 

No one but Blues PMs me anymore lol. I'm old meat.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Yeah.

 

Be wary of those who come bearing gifts. I also got a barrage of PMs from guys when I was new here. You are in the equivalent of a sex addicts forum. The newbies are always fresh meat.

 

No one but Blues PMs me anymore lol. I'm old meat.

 

Have been on LS for about four years and have yet to receive an even slightly inappropriate PM. It surprises me to read of your experience in thinking this is the equivalent of a sex addict's forum.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Yeah.

 

Be wary of those who come bearing gifts. I also got a barrage of PMs from guys when I was new here. You are in the equivalent of a sex addicts forum. The newbies are always fresh meat.

 

No one but Blues PMs me anymore lol. I'm old meat.

 

It is amazing how a forum of wounded people prey upon those who are also wounded...I watch the OM OW forum...just to see who i think is hitting on who...and the ones who criticise the most...seem to be the ones most interested in the OW....Makes me go hmmmmmm

 

I remind all that my pm's are read by my spouse.....

 

But there are some amazing folks that are here....some who have become very good friends of both my husband and myself that are sincere and genuine....and of course there are the trolls who are here just to stir everyone up

 

Some folks give great advice....becasue they truly care