MM loses OW

[donbar]

Well I did get warned that different forums would judge me differently, so having the thread moved here has resulted in some very different reactions. And I appreciate them all. I can see I have made a few of you angry and caused you to call me names and that's ok. I'm learning a lot quite quickly. I certainly feel like I am beginning to understand OW better and I can't say I blame her for her decisions.

Whoever experienced a MM telling you his wife was on death row, wow!

It's interesting that people would do that. Without going into too much detail I can assure you that her illness was very real and very frightening and involved two radical surgeries and I was her major caregiver, taking care of her every needs. And I'm not looking for any nice words, I don't expect any from this crowd.

Again, thank you for all your inputs. The coward suggestion was hard to swallow but I deserve it. The comment about stop being a wuss and act professionally was justified and has certainly been a slap around the face in a very good way.

The comment about being around military guys who would throw people around or out made me laugh out loud for the obvious reason. I know even steely eyed warriors have affairs of the heart that can cause chaos. ❤️

[gia37]

. I simply cannot understand how she could be so in love with me one minute, and then just vanish. But I see that's a theme here, and totally normal. The more I can come to terms with the normality of her behavior the easier it will be to accept it.

 

She vanished, because being an OW waiting on the sides in incredibly hurtful. After being available for you and supporting you a long time in spite of your "reconciliations" she must have had enough and tried to protect herself, because she just cant take it any more. You have no idea how very hurtful is being alone while imagining the MM surrounded by his family on evenings, weekends etc and pining for him. If you want to get her, you must prove your love for her. She has already proven hers. Period.

Edited May 1, 2017 by gia37

[wmacbride]

Well I did get warned that different forums would judge me differently, so having the thread moved here has resulted in some very different reactions. And I appreciate them all. I can see I have made a few of you angry and caused you to call me names and that's ok. I'm learning a lot quite quickly. I certainly feel like I am beginning to understand OW better and I can't say I blame her for her decisions.

Whoever experienced a MM telling you his wife was on death row, wow!

It's interesting that people would do that. Without going into too much detail I can assure you that her illness was very real and very frightening and involved two radical surgeries and I was her major caregiver, taking care of her every needs. And I'm not looking for any nice words, I don't expect any from this crowd.

Again, thank you for all your inputs. The coward suggestion was hard to swallow but I deserve it. The comment about stop being a wuss and act professionally was justified and has certainly been a slap around the face in a very good way.

The comment about being around military guys who would throw people around or out made me laugh out loud for the obvious reason. I know even steely eyed warriors have affairs of the heart that can cause chaos. ❤️

 

speaking as a military spouse who also has lots of experience being a "listening ear" to both male and female personnel, I can assure you that most "steely eyed warriors" would also chide you for what you've been up to.

 

It's not the feelings that are the issue. you didn't ask to develop them. The issue has become what you are doing about them. In the end, all your procrastinating will hurt the very people you claim you want to protect.

[Southern Sun]

In my defense, since a lot of you have piled on the "you should have got on and divorced your wife when you had the chance" mantra, OW told me on numerous occasions that it would be better if I stayed in my marriage and that I was where I was supposed to be, especially regarding the illness and the suicide attempt. I think that I wouldn't be in suck a pickle if we hadn't got together on at least four occessions, spread throughout the year, and made love as though our lives depended on it. Nor would I have felt there was hope if we hadn't had such long phone conversations, up to four hours at a time. But each time we separated I would try to fix my marriage like she said, and then we would be together and it would be unbelievable.

I simply cannot understand how she could be so in love with me one minute, and then just vanish. But I see that's a theme here, and totally normal. The more I can come to terms with the normality of her behavior the easier it will be to accept it.

As for avoiding her at work, I can absolutely minimize the interaction to a bare minimum easily enough. It's just whether I'll be able to do my job professionally knowing she is so close to me, or whether I will become a mess.

I see a lot of you lumping us men all together. I don't feel like that's fair but I respect your opinions and really appreciate all your comments.

 

I'm going to give you an alternate view of your OW.

 

She may be the emotionally unavailable type. You did say she had an affair on her own exH. She's now divorced and she may have been perfectly willing to have some sort of romantic, star-crossed affair with you, but it always needed to have 'obstacles' to meet her criteria. You can't "make love as if your life depended on it" within a normal relationship...it's only those with angst and longing and fear of loss that create those feelings.

 

She may have given you advice to work on your marriage because they would keep you unavailable as well. Having you suddenly divorced and 'there', in real life, would ruin the fantasy. There is no lust-filled affair without a married person.

 

Eventually she had to bail...this can't be maintained forever.

[alsudduth]

I know my son would be livid with me. My daughter is a little more pragmatic.

 

On a different note, OW and I will be working together in about a week. Any advice on what I should do or say, if anything?

 

I wouldn't say anything. I think your best bet right now, would be to leave your wife, and file for divorce....as scary as that is. Your OW doesn't want to be an OW anymore. Once you have filed for divorce and are in the for sure not staying together with your wife... THEN you can tell OW that you have filed for divorce, moved out, and want a chance to do things right with her. Until that happens, in her mind nothing has changed with how your relationship with her.

 

You already know she loves you....she's just tired of waiting for you to make a decision you can stick with.

 

And if you CAN'T leave your wife for one reason or another, leave the OW alone. It's not fair to anyone in the situation...Not to you, not to the OW, and not to your wife (As awful as she sounds, she doesn't deserve this)

 

Get some IC to help you make the decision if you need to. And to help you feel comfortable with being alone, because there is a possibility of that too, and you should be ok with that possibility....what if your wife died and there was no OW? You would have to function on your own if that was the case....you can do it now too if needed.

[Mr. Lucky]

What I don't understand is why some men seem to think that they should have their married life or their affair partner. Why do not they leave their marriages and live alone if they are unhappy? Surely that is the thing to do? Then they would be free to start a relationship elsewhere, rather than trying to go from one security blanket to another.

 

This post illustrates why affairs suck.

 

Both quoted for truth.

 

donbar, your approach reminds of someone who had a chance to buy Apple stock back in '97 at $6 a share - and then decides to rob a bank to fund the transaction.

 

Right idea, wrong way to go about it.

 

But aren't you at that same point again? Having stood by your wife through her illness, here's your chance to end your marriage and start living an authentic life. And this decision isn't based on any future with the OW (which probably doesn't exist), but some deeper and hard-earned understanding about the way forward.

 

Regardless of whom you're with, you have decades left to live. Time to implement that "moral code" you keep talking about and figure how you're going to do it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[donbar]

I think you are all spot on. Thanks for your honesty and advice. I am not going to tell my wife about the OW. After reading the sticky about how she would react I would rather not put her through that misery.

 

I will get IC.

 

Years ago my wife and I discussed cheating, and we both agreed that if one of us did it the other didn't want to know. On top of which, with one actual suicide attempt and twice calling the children to say she was going to end it I absolutely do not want her doing that.

 

I will not be contacting the OW. I can see that is the consensus of opinion and it makes sense. I don't want to cause her any more grief. For those of you who think she is flawed (I was warned you would), she is not. A more lovely, gracious and kind person you could not meet. Stop slamming her, it's getting boring.

Edited May 30, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Thread clean-up~T

[donbar]

Thank you Mr. Lucky. This is my intention.

[wmacbride]

I think you are all spot on. Thanks for your honesty and advice. I am not going to tell my wife about the OW. After reading the sticky about how she would react I would rather not put her through that misery.

 

I will get IC.

 

Years ago my wife and I discussed cheating, and we both agreed that if one of us did it the other didn't want to know. On top of which, with one actual suicide attempt and twice calling the children to say she was going to end it I absolutely do not want her doing that.

 

I will not be contacting the OW. I can see that is the consensus of opinion and it makes sense. I don't want to cause her any more grief. For those of you who think she is flawed (I was warned you would), she is not. A more lovely, gracious and kind person you could not meet.

 

 

 

Ask me or the other bs on here who have chronic illnesses and spouse who have had affairs. We are stronger than you realize, and the one thing we can almost universally agree on ( and this hold true for ow/om and bs almost universally) the one thing we do not want is a spouse who stays with us out of pity or obligation. At that point, they would not be staying with us for "us", but because it made them feel better.

 

What I mean about you feeling like you are the centre of a little universe is that people are stronger than you realize, and they don;t need you if you are only there because of duty, obligation or some other reason.

 

You also say that once upon a time, you and your wife both talked about being informed if the other spouse was cheating. It's easy to say "no" when it's an abstract concept. It's quite another when it's real. You don't know what she would want now when it's really happened.

 

Even if you don't love her, you could at least respect her enough to be honest. I'm sure when doesn't want to be married to a martyr ( who would)

Edited May 30, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Thread Clean Up ~T

[wmacbride]

op,

 

You mention that your wife is holding on to your marriage, but the reality is that she is holding on to what she thinks it is, which is a construct not based in reality. If she knew the truth, what you think would happen? ( aside of her initial reaction).

 

If you can't begin to move past your feelings for your ow, then you really have no business being married. Your wife loves you for who she thinks you are, not who you really are, and again, that is not sustainable. It will poison you both, and what sort of example is that setting for your children?

 

If you still insist on remaining married to a woman you don't seem to love and only have pity for ( and I really wonder how much of you staying with her is for her and how much is you staying because it fits the image you have of yourself), then you need to put the ow out of your mind completely. Leave her the frick alone, as you are no good for her. She, as an adult, made the decision to get involved with a married man. She also made the decision to walk away. If you love her, respect her enough leave her alone so she can find a man who will treat her with love and decency and who can be 100 percent with her.

 

Anything else is selfishness.

Edited May 30, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[William]

Well I did get warned that different forums would judge me differently, so having the thread moved here has resulted in some very different reactions.

 

Moderation can speak to this. Threads are moved relevant to topical material and since this thread is about a married person involved with an apparent single person, moderator ~6 correctly moved the thread to Infidelity.

 

Regardless of where threads exist on our forums, rules of decorum apply consistently. An auto-moderated post brought me here and noting the tone of some of the posts I'm going to close this up for now and use it as guidelines training for our newest female moderator, ~JC

 

In the meantime, there appears to be plenty of insight and opinion to review so hopefully the forum has been helpful. If I don't update this to a resolution within 24 hours, feel free to hit the 'alert us' button on this post and contact moderation. Thanks!

[William]

Apologies for the late response here.

 

Thread cleaned up and is reopened after clean up. As always please keep out guidelines of civility and respect in mind when adding to the conversation. ~T

[Mrs. John Adams]

So Donbar...do you have any updates?

Edited May 30, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[donbar]

You asked me why I would want to stay with W on that thread. My W came off medication that literally changed her moods. Her anger and short temper started to go away after years of it. On top of that, the disease shook her to her core. Life takes on new meaning when confronted with a killer disease. She has become significantly easier to live with. She has also come to realize that over the years some of the things she did to me had a profoundly negative effect and she has accepted that she hurt me. It's peaceful now. I like it. We are becoming friends again.

 

The OW: I saw her at work three (ish) weeks ago. She was almost unable to control her hatred for me. It haunts me still. Yet 2 weeks prior I had told her I was going to get a divorce. And three days prior to that we talked for hours in her car, and hugged each other and clung onto each other. I truly believed she wanted me to get on with separating but I was wrong.

 

I have worked hard for a long time. I have a very comfortable life. But I was ready to give that up. Lose half of everything, because I knew I could be happy with my OW. But she now despises me and all I would gain is living alone in an apartment without all the things that bring joy in my life, my children, my hobbies, my dogs, all the while knowing that OW gave up on me. My children are grown but one of them was cheated on and was almost destroyed by it. It has been made clear to me that they absolutely hate cheaters. On a good note, I know exactly what it is like to lose someone you love, so I had plenty of empathy. And yes, I know I took 2 whole years to get to pushing for a divorce, but 1 year was staying put to support my W through the illness. And in the first year of the affair OW said she could deal with the infrequency of being with me.

 

For all you OW/OM out there I get it. I should have made the move a long time ago, but when W was diagnosed I simply could not leave. And I would still do the same. I have moved job locations, so the chances of ever seeing OW are remote, and even if I did, it wouldn't be in a position to talk privately except under almost impossible odds. I absolutely will always love her, and I will prove it by staying away from her.

 

It's a sad old story and one that has been told so many times here. But I'm going to stay and maybe the marriage will continue to improve. I miss the OW but it does seem to be getting a little easier to deal with week by week.

 

Oh, and I will never, ever cheat again. It is way too painful.

Edited May 31, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
discussing moderation ~T

[Mrs. John Adams]

Well there are parts of your update I like and parts I don't.

 

I know you care for the ow and seeing her... hugging her.. wanting her to not hate you may be good for you emotionally... but I fear what it would do to your wife if she knew and what it does to the ow.

 

Moving on is hard for everybody... don't go backwards. Ok?

[donbar]

It wasn't that good emotionally. Actually, it sucked. To see her hating me hurt more than I could bare. Or bear. No. Bare. Whatever!!!!

 

The chemistry, the awful attraction that works great when each of you is single, it only works to destroy when one or both isn't.

 

I won't go backwards. I simply cannot. Thank you.

[lostgirl87]

It wasn't that good emotionally. Actually, it sucked. To see her hating me hurt more than I could bare. Or bear. No. Bare. Whatever!!!!

 

The chemistry, the awful attraction that works great when each of you is single, it only works to destroy when one or both isn't.

 

I won't go backwards. I simply cannot. Thank you.

Your updates and your words make me so sad (as an OW). I am almost positive she doesn't despise you. She is hurt. She put in so much time and wanted you to make that move for her and you didn't. She has to act like she hates you b/c she has to have to that distance. And you're not even fighting for her! Which is fine if you don't want to be with her. If things have improved that much with your wife that you now want to stay with her and have a marriage with her then that's Great.

 

I can't say too much b/c I can't project my feelings onto your OW. What I feel and what she feels may be totally different. But having been there myself, that "hate" seems to be a defense mechanism. If I were her, I'd be taking your actions (or non-actions) to mean that you don't care about me and have no desire to do anything to be with me. Again, I could be wrong but if I were her, this is what I'd be feeling.

[mightycpa]

Your updates and your words make me so sad (as an OW). I am almost positive she doesn't despise you. She is hurt. She put in so much time and wanted you to make that move for her and you didn't. She has to act like she hates you b/c she has to have to that distance. And you're not even fighting for her! Which is fine if you don't want to be with her. If things have improved that much with your wife that you now want to stay with her and have a marriage with her then that's Great.

 

I can't say too much b/c I can't project my feelings onto your OW. What I feel and what she feels may be totally different. But having been there myself, that "hate" seems to be a defense mechanism. If I were her, I'd be taking your actions (or non-actions) to mean that you don't care about me and have no desire to do anything to be with me. Again, I could be wrong but if I were her, this is what I'd be feeling.

Either you're right, or she did feel that way, but now she has turned the corner, she now holds him in contempt, precisely because of what you've stated. Either way, she might feel like she's beyond the point where she can trust him, and she's committed to this course. I can't say I blame her.

 

When people lose feelings for you, they don't turn to hate. They turn to pity, or indifference. But when it's forced upon you, that's when things get mean.

[jenkins95]

The problem is that you are in the affair fog over this woman and are therefore unable to make a clear headed decision about your marriage. You are also on the OW/OM page so you are going to get a lot of hearts and rainbows about going for your true love. If you posted this on the Infidelity board you would get opposite opinions since it's a bunch of BS and exOM who are out of the fog who now consider their OW basically pond scum. So you have to be really careful about the advice you are getting and consider the source.

 

Note that I am not man bashing, there just are some threads going by men who had affairs and dumped the OW and now seriously are talking about her like trash. It would seem that they did feel like you do - but as they decided to stay, to rationalize what they did, they "villainize" the OW. My point to you is that this may be the next stage. If you go over there and ask those guys, they will fall all over themselves that you should wait this out and appreciate your wife and family.

 

I'm an ex-MW so it is hard to read those posts, what they say about the OW, but it is very sobering. All the women here lamenting over some married guy should go there and read what they really think of them.

 

Back to you, your thinking is backwards. You actually said exactly what xmm said to me, that he would only leave if he was 100% sure it would work out with us. On one level, I get it - but you can't do that. You don't really know this woman, its all hearts and rainbows. There is a really good chance it would not work out and you would need to be prepared to be alone. I'm guessing you are probably 55 or so. I'm sure it seems scary to be divorced. I was divorced, its a lonely time but also life altering. For me, I knew I wanted to divorce my ex, it had nothing to do with another person. Ever fiber in my body wanted out. If you feel like that, you should listen to that feeling. It is really not easily fixable. I got divorced, never regretted it and later met my H.

 

The problem is though that its all mixed up with this other woman now. The question is - how did you feel when your wife said she wanted a divorce, before you met the OW? Did you want it too?

 

If you didn't - chances are higher that this is the fog. After my affair ended at the end of 2015, I wanted a divorce - even though xmm was not a part of the picture. Affairs mess you up, it's like a mental illness. You can't think straight. You should not make any decisions. Now its almost May 2017 and I'm here to tell you that I am really happy I did not get a divorce. But - it took a long time to feel better - a really long time.

 

The only way for you to even begin feeling better is to cut off all contact from this woman. Its the best thing for everyone here. I know you think, I can't do that, and yes, it will hurt unbelievably. But I'm here to tell you that unless you keep feeding this pain and addiction, it does get better. I was suicidal over this stupid guy and now I could care less about him. Thank God I did not end up with him. I'm telling you, these things = affair fog = mental illness. You simply cannot trust yourself.

 

You owe it to yourself to figure out what you want. You owe it to your wife to give her the truth - unless you honestly think she would truly kill herself or something. Lastly you owe it to the OW to let her get on with her life. I've read stories like yours here over and over. Men typically don't leave. You've given her no indication that you will leave. If you do decide you want to leave, do it for you, not for anyone else. Maybe the OW will still be there or maybe not. But its simply not true that there is no one else out there. I have divorced male friends. There are hoards of women out there. Please. That is the silliest reason to stay in a marriage.

 

I leave you with this. 25 years from now when you look back at this moment, will you regret not leaving? will you regret not working on your marriage? I can assure you that you will regret living in this fog for 10 more years and letting inaction be your action.

 

PS If you want a companion, get a dog. A wife should be much more than a companion.

 

I am joining this thread late and I realise that this post by midnight is over a month old..but it's brilliant! I was going to write a lengthy post, but she has done it for me. Not the first post by midnight that I feel should be pinned.

 

I was a little like you back in 2014. My marriage had fallen a little flat then I met this angel that totally blew me away and woke up feelings in me that I didn't even know I was capable of. Like midnight, things came to a head in '15 when my affair was discovered/disclosed and I had to make decisions, having being given the offer of the gift of reconciliation by my amazing wife. But my head was all over the place, I was a complete mess and felt totally lost.

 

I didn't know what to do and almost nothing was certain, so I fell back on the only certainties that I had. These were :-

 

1. My wife and my kids would DEFINITELY have been devastated if I'd left. Perhaps more so for me than some because one of my kids has special needs who does not cope well with big changes. My wife's physical collapse on disclosure of my affair left me with no doubts that she loved and needed me. I've never seen such instant destruction, heartbreak and raw vulnerability in my life. It completely humbled me.

 

2. I've always loved my wife - I'd just lost sight of it. Just before the affair, we were doing well and I was happy.......I just let curiosity, ego, entitlement, lust, hormones and selfish stupidity get the better of me. I was also at "that" age as a man, just over 40, where this kind of MLC stupidity is most likely to happen.

 

3. I was "in love" with my OW, no questions. But this was rainbows and unicorns love - constant sex, drinking champagne, no responsibilities, constant conversion, constant compliments, buying each other sweet little gifts...and ultimately back for more sex. But this was played out in a secret bubble, untested in the real world and enabled by lies and cheating. If we'd both been single, I've no doubt that this relationship could have worked and could have progressed to the more mature type love. But the bottom line is, we WEREN'T both single. If we'd tried to make a go, it would have been at other peoples' expense and would have left a trail of destruction in it's wake. Could we have survived that? Most affair relationships don't. One example of a poster that has survived this is Birdies. Her and her former AP are now married and happy and I wish them all the luck in the world. This is very rare, but as Birdies often posts, even if you get to this stage, you haven't won. Birdies often posts of the huge amount of hurt and destruction that was caused as a result of the A and how she lives in the aftermath of this with guilt and pain and feels she will always struggle to shift the "Scarlet A".

 

4. Long term, this was better even for the OW - even though I'm sure she hated it when I pointed this out. Sure, she would have been hurt and taken months to get over it, but boy I don't think she realised how much she would have been taking on, how much her life would have had to change and how much baggage I would have come with - I already mentioned my special needs son, and that's just one of many factors. It is unquestionably much better for her, as a single, lovely, beautiful young woman to take the hit, get over it, learn and then be free to meet an uncomplicated younger guy (I was 14 years older than her - similar to your situation? That age difference can be great in an affair, but I think that this may have been a factor further down the line if we had had a "real" relationship. Even during the A, I struggled to keep up with her energy levels).

 

5. I looked at people around me for role models - like my parents. What does a "normal" marriage look like? Are they "in love"? The idea kind of makes me laugh and would them too, I'm sure! THOSE feelings probably dried up around 1979! I don't think they've even slept in the same bed since the early 90's! But do they love each other in the deep, mature sense?...... Oh yes, you bet they do, absolutely without question - they are "forever" in every sense of the word. They have a great marriage and actually it rather resembles my own marriage pre-A (except my W and I do still sleep in the same bed ). The difference being that, unlike me, they managed (as far as I know) to keep their pants on outside the marriage and hence not sully it or fill their heads with dreams and rainbows. They also worked through the inevitable hard times in their marriage, which often occur when you have young kids and lots of life pressures, and they didn't look externally to their marriage to escape the difficulties. I well remember the arguments and threats to leave as a little boy listening from my bedroom, secretly praying that they didn't really mean it. They always worked it out and put each other and their little family first and I (and my siblings) benefitted greatly from the work they did.

 

All this is pretty much what led me to stay. I definitely wouldn't have stayed if I'd had no love for my wife and was just staying out of obligation - that would have destroyed us eventually, I would have sunk into depression, possibly had another A and it would have been the ultimate insult to my wife. I had to know that she loved me, I loved her and that it was at least possible that we could recover and reconnect on a deep level, as we are now working hard on - very, very hard. So you have to dig deep to answer that one regarding your wife, and I know it may be a little more difficult in your case to find the real answer as you have both, at one time or another, asked for a D - something me and my W have never done. But please remember, you may not be "in love" with your wife, but (as with my parents example above) it's normal after a few years that the dizzying no-holds-barred limerence fades to be replaced by a more mature love with fewer hormones but more shared history, children, commitment, understanding, etc.

 

What's difficult in the situation you find yorself in is comparing the two - the crazy in love feeling will win every time in the short term, but it always fades. It's like comparing a ride on a roller coaster with a gentle walk in the park - apples and oranges. If you just had five minutes spare, you'd probably go for the roller coaster as it would be so much more fun in the short term. But how long is that sustainable for? The walk in the park is something you can do every day for the rest of your life if you work on it and can get more enjoyable with time.

 

The affair was by far the biggest mistake of my life, no question - it's a complete mind-fu**. I sit here at my desk nearly two years out and I still feel that anxiety at the base of my skull and the twitchiness of my nerve endings. I'll go for a cigarette in a minute to calm my nerves (I was completely anti-smoking until about age 40!) and possibly have a glass of wine tonight to help me drop off to sleep if my "demons" start to give me a hard time. This is what I have to live with now - it's not good, but it's so much better than it was! I do see recovery on the horizon and like midnight, I am so glad I stayed. We're still far from over it and it has changed me forever as a person. I concur that it takes a long, long time to get over something like this.

 

A final point for this post is that I personally don't hate the OW (although I'm often cited as an exception to the general rule on here). Like me, she made bad, selfish, sh**ty decisions and contributed to the hurt of lots of people, including herself. We are all human and not infallible. I will always have feelings of love for her and pray that she learns from this and has a great life with a great uncomplicated guy, kids, nice home and all those other lovely things. We all deserve that, don't we?

 

Good luck Donbar and keep the posts coming! You will get there! This hell doesn't last forever.

Edited May 31, 2017 by jenkins95

[donbar]

Guys, I cannot tell you how much it means to read your words. To take the time to explain your perspective is humbling. Lost girl, I have followed your story since you started. I know things will be ok. I feel you getting stronger every post.

Mighty CPA, very wise words. Thanks.

Jenkins! Wow! Thank you from the very bottom of my heart. I need to read your message a few more times but I cannot put into words how much it means.

 

Know this though. I will always love my OW. She is the sweetest person I have ever met and I realize that she is mortally wounded by me, and I also know she was part of the problem. I will not villainize her. She was in my life for a reason. I will miss her and covet her.

 

Meanwhile, Mrs JA, don't worry, I am working very hard to fix my M. I know OW is gone. And I'm okay with that. My life is mine, and I will not be going backwards.

[donbar]

Jenkins old chap! Brilliant post. Stop smoking for the love of all things.....

[donbar]

To follow up on your wonderful post Jenkins, I wanted to add that your points are all well taken.

1. My W and children have been a hugely important part of my life for over a quarter of a century. I didn't want to throw it all away.

2. My W has made it clear that she does love me and it has reinforced, reinvigorated, restored and given me resolve to make this work.

3. I will always love the OW. I will never blame her even though many here do. She was strong enough in the end to say ENOUGH and I have let her go. It's hard, but every time I think of the look on her face when she last saw me I am galvanized to ensure NC is never broken.

4. Agree. OW is so much better off without me.

5. My parents stayed married but were bad role models. Their marriage was loveless although they stayed together for the convenience. When my Dad passed Mom didn't even go to the hospital to be with him. I sat, held his hand, told him I loved him and watched him die for 8 hours.

[wmacbride]

Guys, I cannot tell you how much it means to read your words. To take the time to explain your perspective is humbling. Lost girl, I have followed your story since you started. I know things will be ok. I feel you getting stronger every post.

Mighty CPA, very wise words. Thanks.

Jenkins! Wow! Thank you from the very bottom of my heart. I need to read your message a few more times but I cannot put into words how much it means.

 

Know this though. I will always love my OW. She is the sweetest person I have ever met and I realize that she is mortally wounded by me, and I also know she was part of the problem. I will not villainize her. She was in my life for a reason. I will miss her and covet her.

 

Meanwhile, Mrs JA, don't worry, I am working very hard to fix my M. I know OW is gone. And I'm okay with that. My life is mine, and I will not be going backwards.

 

Op,

After reading this, I have a few words.

 

Please, talk to your wife and tell her you feel this way. She has every right to know all the factors that are influencing her life, and while it may be easier for you to hide all of this, in the long run, it's worse for her.

 

Also, a reconciled marriage, if it is to be truly reconciled, has no room for lies. I'm not saying you should rub the A in her face or wax lyrical about your ow to her, but she does need to know how you felt about her. In your wife's shoes, wouldn't you want to have all the knowledge you need to make informed decisions about her life?

 

Be warned though, that in all honesty, she may well choose to leave, and in her shoes, I would too. I'm not getting any sense in what you write that you really care about her at all. In fact, you are willing to excuse the actions of someone who had a hand in hurting her very much, and not only that, you still love that person. You love this woman who knowingly stuck a knife in your wife's back.That's not exactly complimentary of her, but it's the reality. I'm not saying you need to hate her or even dislike her, but there is a difference between a fond memory and the way you talk abut your ex-ow.

 

If the roles were reversed, and it was your wife who's cheated and felt that way about her ex-om, what would you want? Would you want to be picked as some sort of runner up prize while she was online praising him and saying what a wonderful guy he was?

 

Look, you don't have to like your wife right now, but you do have to be 100 committed to reconciling if it is going to work. Right now, it sounds like it's not what you really want, and to be 100 percent honest, I believe it's showing. Your wife may never tell you that, but if you can't 100 commit to your marriage, including getting your head out of the clouds about a woman who was willing to throw your wife and family under the bus for her own reasons ( which is what she was doing by getting involved with a married man) then, to be frank, right now you don't deserve to be married. I'm not saying that because I think you are a bad guy, but because I don't think you can commit to be faithful to your marriage right now, and that includes mentally. You can't be giving your marriage 100 percent if your thoughts are somewhere else. You're still cheating ion your marriage, just not physically.

[GollumsNightmare]

^^^

This, times a million. I often think the same thing when I see you and Jenkins posting about the OW in your lives.

 

What you are saying and feeling is so unfair to your wives. That is not what reconciliation should be about. It is so sad. I would feel betrayed all over again if I read the same types of things from my husband. Our marriage would be over. I would be utterly humiliated, yet again. Your wives should know how you really feel. If they choose to stay after that, then at least they know the truth of their own lives

[BTDT2012]

donbar, I feel so sorry for your wife. She is your PlanB. This is all about you, not love for your wife. I agree with GollumsNightmare.