MM loses OW

[jenkins95]

Glad you are progressing. You only have to justify your reasons to yourself

 

Absolutely aileD. You will be conflicted donbar - it goes with the territory, especially at first. You won't feel all the "right" feelings straight away - it comes with time and understanding. Try to be truthful with us on here, as you are being. e can guide you. As long as you are genuinely all in for R and 100% committed tot he process, that is what is important for now. The process itself will bring extra clarity.

 

May I ask about the blog? Could you share the link? I'm interested in reading

 

https://affairadvice.wordpress.com

 

Is it this one by any chance? This helped me immensely. When I started reading this guy it was just frightening how much i related. I was like he had a portal into my own brain - frightening how similar some of these stories can be.

[jenkins95]

Maybe it is this blog?

 

affairadvice.wordpress.com

 

Oh, sorry solonely - you had already beaten me to it!!! (re my previous post)!

 

How are you, by the way? Not seen much of you around here lately. I will never forget how you were there for me last year and gave up your time to help support me! Such acts of kindness are not fogotten! Thank you a million times! I truly hope you are moving in a good direction with your own recovery!

 

Sorry for the mini t/j!

 

That blog is excellent. I leaned very heavily on it and LS when I was at my lowest points.

[jenkins95]

I thought I saw OW at work today. It wasn't her but good heavens, what a terrible let down my body is. I could feel my composure literally draining out of me.

It was an immense relief when I realized it wasn't her.

This is not easy at all. Still working on it......

 

This is a very normal response donbar, especially so early on. Don't worry - you are doing great and I am most impressed with your latest set of posts.

 

Stay strong, engage 100% discipline and stick to the task of R. It will get easier.

 

As midnightblue often posts, it's very difficult working on a marriage at the same time as trying to get over another. Especially when you have to hide your feelings. It is very psychologically draining and totally exhausting. But you owe it to everyone, most of all yourself to do this hard work now. A great future could still lie ahead if you commit 100% to this. I want to give you a (((big hug))) of support because I relate to you and know quite a lot of what is going on in your very mixed up head right now. You can do it. Stay with us and keep posting.

[donbar]

It is that blog!! Thanks guys. It is really really excellent.

I am very honest about all I feel. It is hard because just when you feel

The recovery is going well something smacks you around the head.

 

I do love my wife and I really want to make us strong. Just thoughts of the OW sneak insidiously into my head and suddenly I feel bereft.

 

I know it'll get easier.

[solonely9]

Hi, Jenkins! I'm ok, much much better, but I'm not going to steal Donbar's thread, talking about myself. Glad to hear you're doing fine as well.

 

And about the blog, it has helped me a lot, too. I even emailed the guy and he responded!, although it has been a long time since he stopped actively publishing there.

[donbar]

Listen guys, do not feel bad about thread jacking! I encourage it on my thread because it is almost always relevant to the situation.

Meanwhile, I'm struggling. I cannot stop thinking about the OW. I'm trying, I really am. But I keep thinking about her, and how she was so into me, and how she so quickly became so not into me, and then how I don't want to hurt my wife, but I just got home from 3 days away and I really want to be madly in love and passionate, and well, it doesn't hold a candle to what I had. And I know. And it will anger some of you BS and I'm so sorry, but I feel out of control tonight, so Jenkins or Allregrets, or LG, or anybody, how did my OW go from loving me so much and giving me so much to being able to detactch so quickly.

And then I read that Ailed wants to end it and I get it! This whole affair thing sucks and hurts.

[donbar]

Let me make this really clear. I cannot help this. I find her popping up in my mind about every ten minutes except when I'm really busy. Then it's only every 15. F@&$!!!!!

[MidnightBlue1980]

Let me make this really clear. I cannot help this. I find her popping up in my mind about every ten minutes except when I'm really busy. Then it's only every 15. F@&$!!!!!

 

I could say that she didn't get over you that quickly and it's because she is upset, but I would be projecting my own personality onto a complete stranger. The truth is that some people do just have the ability to move on quickly. I spent many a night wondering the same thing and after much, much - MUCH - wasted mental time, I eventually realized that it is totally pointless to spend so much energy on someone who obviously has long moved on. I will tell you that you do need to go through it, eventually you just tire of it and accept it, as there is nothing new to think about anymore. Believe me, I was in my head more than you can imagine and it does eventually just go away, as long as you are in NC.

 

The other thing is that you can't compare the feelings you had towards someone in an affair, or new relationship, towards feelings in a marriage. It is just different. Apples and oranges. Eventually you will be thankful you do not feel those feelings anymore. You will have time to think about things like why aren't my tomato plants growing, what is the best kind of bug spray, why does organic cooking spray make my eggs stick while the processed kind doesn't, why does my washing machine move across the floor sometimes like it will burst out from the wall and can anyone really made artichokes edible.

 

And that is what real life is like. You love your spouse. Life is good. That is what you want to strive for, do not expect the same feelings you had with your xAP. It is unrealistic. Strive for peace.

[donbar]

Omg, mnb1980, I laughed out loud, and that is a great thing. Thank you! I have been tortured by this terrible rejection, but trying so hard to move on, and then I realize that the wax I bought for black cars only is a rip off, that my Japanese Love plant hates me, my dogs look at me with pity, my new cheese grater is so &$cking grate (?) I wonder how I ever coped without it, and I will get over this. Thank you. ❤️

[donbar]

To add, I talked to a friend last night, opened up about the whole thing, and she said (she's on her 4th marriage, totally gets life,) that my OW was fishing for an angle, wanted me to commit, disrespected my wife's medical problems, And that I should move on ASAP.

I'm trying.

[Chica80]

Listen guys, do not feel bad about thread jacking! I encourage it on my thread because it is almost always relevant to the situation.

Meanwhile, I'm struggling. I cannot stop thinking about the OW. I'm trying, I really am. But I keep thinking about her, and how she was so into me, and how she so quickly became so not into me, and then how I don't want to hurt my wife, but I just got home from 3 days away and I really want to be madly in love and passionate, and well, it doesn't hold a candle to what I had. And I know. And it will anger some of you BS and I'm so sorry, but I feel out of control tonight, so Jenkins or Allregrets, or LG, or anybody, how did my OW go from loving me so much and giving me so much to being able to detactch so quickly.

And then I read that Ailed wants to end it and I get it! This whole affair thing sucks and hurts.

 

She didn't move on. Shes trying to get over you.

 

I had to see AP first time in a week. I avoided all eye contact as much as I could. Because this time has to be different. If I even let him in a little I would soften. So I avoided as much as I could. If he thinks I'm angry or hate him, we'll that's just how it has to be......better that than crying in the middle of wrk....(which has happened before)

[deadsoul]

Let me make this really clear. I cannot help this. I find her popping up in my mind about every ten minutes except when I'm really busy. Then it's only every 15. F@&$!!!!!

 

Don't fight it, it just gets worse. The best thing to do is allow yourself time to grieve it. It's okay to feel those things. You aren't going to act on them anymore, so it's okay to feel those things.

 

I promise it really does get easier. Even when it seems like it won't.

 

Live in the now. Tell yourself you hope she's happy with whatever she's doing now . She isn't in charge of your happiness, you are. Do things for yourself that make you feel better.

[lostgirl87]

Listen guys, do not feel bad about thread jacking! I encourage it on my thread because it is almost always relevant to the situation.

Meanwhile, I'm struggling. I cannot stop thinking about the OW. I'm trying, I really am. But I keep thinking about her, and how she was so into me, and how she so quickly became so not into me, and then how I don't want to hurt my wife, but I just got home from 3 days away and I really want to be madly in love and passionate, and well, it doesn't hold a candle to what I had. And I know. And it will anger some of you BS and I'm so sorry, but I feel out of control tonight, so Jenkins or Allregrets, or LG, or anybody, how did my OW go from loving me so much and giving me so much to being able to detactch so quickly.

And then I read that Ailed wants to end it and I get it! This whole affair thing sucks and hurts.

She didn't move on as easily as you are thinking. Unless she's a mutant, she had to "hate" you to get over you. She turned that love, hurt and excruciating pain into anger so she could regain control of her herself and her life.

 

I may be projecting a little but I also know that no woman moves on that quickly or easily. Not after everything she experienced with you. She probably saw that you wanted to reconcile (for whatever reason) with your wife and she let you go. She accepted that you weren't going to leave and that she had waited long enough. She loved you. There's no doubt in my mind about that. There's also no doubt in my mind that she was crushed. That she wanted you to come back and beg her to come back and to finally be together. When that didn't happen and when she got tired of waiting and hoping, she had to let go. She gave you so many chances but there was always something. She tried to be supportive and understanding when you told her you wanted to reconcile the marriage. She probably smiled and told you "it's ok, my love. I understand. You need to do this and I'll be ok". How do I know this? Bc I said this to my MM as well. I held his hand and told him it was ok and that I just want him to be happy and at peace with himself. It broke me. I wanted to hold on to him and never let him go. But I didn't. I tried to be his friend.

 

And that's what your OW tried to do. You 2 kept coming back to each other but something always prevented y'all from being together in the way that you two wanted to be together. Can you blame her for becoming angry?? No. You were doing everything you needed to do for you and your wife and your family. She finally had to think about herself and get out of that back and forth.

 

To sum up: no, she didn't just move on and get over you overnight. Every time she was let down her heart broke just a little more. That heart break eventually turned to anger b/c it was the only way she could detach and save herself.

 

How is she feeling now? I can't say. Did she probably wish and hope that during these last few weeks/months that you'd come back and fight for her? Probably.

 

As bad as you feel, i promise you that she felt the same or worse.

 

Keep your head up. You've made your choice and one day this will all get easier. It has to...one day at a time...

[Babsinhealing]

I totally agree with Ahurtgirl- she was spot on with the way I felt when I went NC with my MM after DD #2. I pushed everything I felt towards him down and ended it with the sole purpose of hoping he would find happiness in reconciliation with his BS. His happiness was more important than mine and I was willing to sacrifice for him. I felt like I lost a limb, I was depressed, profoundly sad but I refused to reach out and even to this day, he's clueless what I went through during that time.

 

So don't think for once this is easy for her and she just walked away unscathed. If she's a strong woman, she made a pack with herself that she could get through this and she wills herself to stay strong every damn day. She wants you to be happy (if she truly loved you)- with or without her. She may even want you to feel what it's like without her in your life... that may keep her going. Now, granted, I have no clue what is going on in her mind but I know what I went through and trust me- my MM would be floored if he knew how horribly I grieved because I never led on or even shared it with him when we resumed the A. By the way- he eventually reached out to me - I would have stayed NC for the rest of my life if I knew he was in true R and happier with his W.

 

Good luck, Donbar- hope this gives you a different perspective.

Edited June 14, 2017 by Babsinhealing

[solonely9]

I totally agree with the previous posters. Some people are just better at resolve and once they make up their mind, they don't look back. XMM here went NC and has never reached out since then, and, I have to admit, that's admirable. It shows a strong personality and speaks of someone, who you can rely on to be true to his or her word. I'm sure he must have struggled though. This applies even more to women, as most of us do not have the on and off switch. I highly doubt it she just woke up the next day and was free from you. It must have been really hard on her, for a very long time, maybe it still is, but she has just made up her mind to come out of this one way or another, and time and NC do help to move on.

[donbar]

She didn't move on. Shes trying to get over you.

 

I had to see AP first time in a week. I avoided all eye contact as much as I could. Because this time has to be different. If I even let him in a little I would soften. So I avoided as much as I could. If he thinks I'm angry or hate him, we'll that's just how it has to be......better that than crying in the middle of wrk....(which has happened before)

 

Thank you. That night we worked together was dreadful. We, I struggled through, but at the end of the night I was a puddle on the drive home.

[donbar]

Don't fight it, it just gets worse. The best thing to do is allow yourself time to grieve it. It's okay to feel those things. You aren't going to act on them anymore, so it's okay to feel those things.

 

I promise it really does get easier. Even when it seems like it won't.

 

Live in the now. Tell yourself you hope she's happy with whatever she's doing now . She isn't in charge of your happiness, you are. Do things for yourself that make you feel better.

 

I appreciate your comments. It's so hard to grieve at home. I save it all up for when I'm away on business and can be alone with my thoughts and misery.

[donbar]

She didn't move on as easily as you are thinking. Unless she's a mutant, she had to "hate" you to get over you. She turned that love, hurt and excruciating pain into anger so she could regain control of her herself and her life.

 

I may be projecting a little but I also know that no woman moves on that quickly or easily. Not after everything she experienced with you. She probably saw that you wanted to reconcile (for whatever reason) with your wife and she let you go. She accepted that you weren't going to leave and that she had waited long enough. She loved you. There's no doubt in my mind about that. There's also no doubt in my mind that she was crushed. That she wanted you to come back and beg her to come back and to finally be together. When that didn't happen and when she got tired of waiting and hoping, she had to let go. She gave you so many chances but there was always something. She tried to be supportive and understanding when you told her you wanted to reconcile the marriage. She probably smiled and told you "it's ok, my love. I understand. You need to do this and I'll be ok". How do I know this? Bc I said this to my MM as well. I held his hand and told him it was ok and that I just want him to be happy and at peace with himself. It broke me. I wanted to hold on to him and never let him go. But I didn't. I tried to be his friend.

 

And that's what your OW tried to do. You 2 kept coming back to each other but something always prevented y'all from being together in the way that you two wanted to be together. Can you blame her for becoming angry?? No. You were doing everything you needed to do for you and your wife and your family. She finally had to think about herself and get out of that back and forth.

 

To sum up: no, she didn't just move on and get over you overnight. Every time she was let down her heart broke just a little more. That heart break eventually turned to anger b/c it was the only way she could detach and save herself.

 

How is she feeling now? I can't say. Did she probably wish and hope that during these last few weeks/months that you'd come back and fight for her? Probably.

 

As bad as you feel, i promise you that she felt the same or worse.

 

Keep your head up. You've made your choice and one day this will all get easier. It has to...one day at a time...

 

Thank you so much LG

[donbar]

I totally agree with Ahurtgirl- she was spot on with the way I felt when I went NC with my MM after DD #2. I pushed everything I felt towards him down and ended it with the sole purpose of hoping he would find happiness in reconciliation with his BS. His happiness was more important than mine and I was willing to sacrifice for him. I felt like I lost a limb, I was depressed, profoundly sad but I refused to reach out and even to this day, he's clueless what I went through during that time.

 

So don't think for once this is easy for her and she just walked away unscathed. If she's a strong woman, she made a pack with herself that she could get through this and she wills herself to stay strong every damn day. She wants you to be happy (if she truly loved you)- with or without her. She may even want you to feel what it's like without her in your life... that may keep her going. Now, granted, I have no clue what is going on in her mind but I know what I went through and trust me- my MM would be floored if he knew how horribly I grieved because I never led on or even shared it with him when we resumed the A. By the way- he eventually reached out to me - I would have stayed NC for the rest of my life if I knew he was in true R and happier with his W.

 

Good luck, Donbar- hope this gives you a different perspective.

 

Your words really have helped..I need to read your story to find out where you are now...

[donbar]

Well last night was a watershed in my life...

 

After a very nice day together, my W ended up very drunk at home without me even realizing the extent of her drinking. And then we had a conversation about if I turned to anybody when we were having our severe marital problems starting 4 years ago, and I told her I spoke to my friend who has been divorced once and is currently fighting a legal battle with his second. Well my W took offense to this, and totally out of the blue decided she wanted to beat the living &$it out of me. Now I'm a big guy, strong, fit, and I took as much as I could, never laid a hand on her, and finally ended up screaming at her to stop. Locked myself in the guest room, barricaded in. Turns out she was hitting me so hard she has seriously injured her fingers and has horrid bruising on one hand.

I was shaking from the shock of the attack, threatened to call the police but didn't. Woke up with nasty marks on my face and a shiner on its way.

 

This morning she is begging for forgiveness, pleading for me to promise I won't leave. And the cherry on the cake, she cut her wrists, although obviously just a 'cry for help'.....

 

And I leave tomorrow for a 4 day business trip and I am asking you guys for any advice......Remember, she has been dealing with a life threatening disease for the last year...

[somanymistakes]

Ouch. I am very sorry that happened, are you okay?

 

Honestly I would try to check her into emergency mental health care at this point. She needs to be under a doctor's care, to see if she's hurt herself and to prevent herself from doing any further harm, especially if you're going to be away for a while.

 

Tell her that you are not leaving her but she needs help.

 

That doesn't mean you have to swear that you will never leave her, you may need to leave. But RIGHT now, dealing with the IMMEDIATE problem, your wife needs help, and promising that you're not leaving right now is worthwhile if it gets her looked after.

[donbar]

I'm okay physically. Emotionally I'm a wreck, but keeping it bottled up.

 

If I tried to force her to see an emergency mental health person I think things would be worse.

 

One of my children lives nearby. They will be checking on her. I have promised I will stay but I have to leave tomorrow for my mental health and my job. I have called in sick way too many times already this year for 'family emergencies'.

 

She has booked a counseling session next week, and has joined a local support group for her illness.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I totally agree with Ahurtgirl-

 

Babs, you mean you agree with lostgirl87 instead of Ahurtgirl? Not trying to be picky, just am following this thread astutely and want to be sure I haven't missed something. Thanks.

[somanymistakes]

Having her committed probably would make things worse in the sense that she would freak out, but it might also be necessary to make it clear just how serious this is, and if she did freak out then at least the doctors would see there was a big problem.

 

I don't know. But this sort of thing is more serious than just a counselling session.

[Birdies]

I'm so sorry, how awful. I'm not sure what to do about your wife, but I hope you took photos of your injuries. She could turn around and accuse you of domestic assault. It's crazy but sometimes people remember the fight and turn themselves into the victim, even if you literally never touched her. But especially if you held her wrists while she tried to punch you and she has any bruising, etc.

 

Frankly I think you should have called the cops and made a statement too. You wouldn't have to press charges, but IF this ever came back to haunt you, the police would have this on record. It's not too late to do this now, just make a statement.

 

Something similar happened to my MM and ironically it was the wife's account to the cops from that night, that later absolved him and contradicted the version she came up with once she decided that playing assault victim could maybe get more money in the divorce.

Edited June 16, 2017 by Birdies