MM loses OW

[waterwoman]

I wonder if she suspects what has been going on? She really is in a bad way at least she is seeing a counsellor.?

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm so sorry, how awful. I'm not sure what to do about your wife, but I hope you took photos of your injuries. She could turn around and accuse you of domestic assault. It's crazy but sometimes people remember the fight and turn themselves into the victim, even if you literally never touched her. But especially if you held her wrists while she tried to punch you and she has any bruising, etc.

 

Frankly I think you should have called the cops and made a statement too. You wouldn't have to press charges, but IF this ever came back to haunt you, the police would have this on record. It's not too late to do this now, just make a statement.

 

Something similar happened to my MM and ironically it was the wife's account to the cops from that night, that later absolved him and contradicted the version she came up with once she decided that playing assault victim could maybe get more money in the divorce.

 

The above may seem far-fetched but it's very wise counsel. I know of a situation where this happened and the W wanted to accuse the husband of abuse but since police had been called there was a record of what actually happened so W couldn't make false accusations.

 

I posted earlier then deleted it as it was long but will simply say that your wife needs medical help. If you can't get her to see a Dr. then please at least get into MC where you can approach the issue. It may take quite awhile for her condition to present in IC and she needs help whether or not your reconciliation continues. It's hard to see how you can have a healthy marriage with this kind of problem which could erupt at any time.

 

Editing this to add: At the end of your account of your wife's assault you wrote, "Remember she has been dealing with a life threatening disease for the past year."

 

Donbar, this type of behavior isn't the result of dealing with a life-threatening disease. It's the result of being abusive.

Edited June 16, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[knabe]

First, if she ever lays a hand on you again, call 911. For you AND for her.

 

Second, yes, she needs inpatient evaluation. Look, I've survived two bouts with cancer. I didn't beat up anyone. AA might be a good move as well.

 

A 72 hour hold wouldn't be too hard to get.

[elaine567]

I guess she knows about the OW.

That is why she is so distraught and why she is so angry with the OP.

[Birdies]

I guess she knows about the OW.

That is why she is so distraught and why she is so angry with the OP.

 

I agree this could be the case.

 

OP, this could get very ugly very quickly. I hope you do think about making a police statement. My MM and I had the cops called on us and it retrospect it was the best thing that could have happened - not for us per se, but just for the sake of the truth in the forthcoming legal proceedings, once the BW decided to make up an abuse story. It sounds crazy but your wife already beat you up, and she's emotionally unstable. Crazy is as crazy does. It could really save your ass. They will not ask you to or make you press charges.

Edited June 16, 2017 by Birdies

[LivingWaterPlease]

I guess she knows about the OW.

That is why she is so distraught and why she is so angry with the OP.

 

This may be so.

 

If she does know about OW that may be what triggered her assault but if I recall correctly donbar posted early on in the thread that she had had anger issues that affected their marriage for many years which culminated in her request for divorce before he began an affair.

 

Don't recall him writing about physical abuse during this phase, though. Guess he may address that when he returns. But, seems the anger issues may not be because of knowing about OW. If they were, given her past issues, I would think she would have erupted before now, but obviously I know little about their history, just what's posted here.

[alsudduth]

Well last night was a watershed in my life...

 

After a very nice day together, my W ended up very drunk at home without me even realizing the extent of her drinking. And then we had a conversation about if I turned to anybody when we were having our severe marital problems starting 4 years ago, and I told her I spoke to my friend who has been divorced once and is currently fighting a legal battle with his second. Well my W took offense to this, and totally out of the blue decided she wanted to beat the living &$it out of me. Now I'm a big guy, strong, fit, and I took as much as I could, never laid a hand on her, and finally ended up screaming at her to stop. Locked myself in the guest room, barricaded in. Turns out she was hitting me so hard she has seriously injured her fingers and has horrid bruising on one hand.

I was shaking from the shock of the attack, threatened to call the police but didn't. Woke up with nasty marks on my face and a shiner on its way.

 

This morning she is begging for forgiveness, pleading for me to promise I won't leave. And the cherry on the cake, she cut her wrists, although obviously just a 'cry for help'.....

 

And I leave tomorrow for a 4 day business trip and I am asking you guys for any advice......Remember, she has been dealing with a life threatening disease for the last year...

 

woah! she beat the snot out of you because you confided in a MALE friend when you were at a low point in your marriage?! Yikes. Not cool on her part. You did everything right, except to not call the police.

[donbar]

Just a quick note as am just starting work. She does not know of the affair.

She told me this morning that what she did to me is worse than cheating. Her exact words. She is utterly at her lowest and I feel so sorry for her but also need to resolve this.

I should have called the police. I do have photos of my face. Every time I look in the mirror I feel gutted. She had never struck me before but has done aggressive things that are too specific to write here.

I'll write more later. I'm feeling relieved to be away but I do not want her to commit suicide. My children are rallying. Both adults. Both aware of her vulnerability. One lives close.

God, I need to talk to the OW. I won't, but I'm missing her so much it is physically painful.

[elaine567]

woah! she beat the snot out of you because you confided in a MALE friend when you were at a low point in your marriage?.

 

Er maybe not.

He actually confided in the OW regarding his failing marriage when he was at a low point...

 

On this trip I worked with a known colleague and we end up having a heart to heart. She was in the process of getting a divorce. I was surprised because she always seemed so content. She then admitted she cheated on her husband because she wanted something more. It had been a ONS, and nothing came of it but it made her more determined to find her utopia. I told her my wife had asked for a divorce and I felt that it was inevitable.

[knabe]

I guess she knows about the OW.

That is why she is so distraught and why she is so angry with the OP.

 

When a man says mean things to his WW, we criticize him. We shouldn't then turn around and excuse physical violence against a WH.

 

That's called hypocrisy.

[elaine567]

When a wife of 27 years starts beating up her husband, and when that same husband can hardly think straight due to his love for another woman, then is would be a bit remiss to think the two things are not connected.

[Mrs. John Adams]

When a wife of 27 years starts beating up her husband, and when that same husband can hardly think straight due to his love for another woman, then is would be a bit remiss to think the two things are not connected.

 

If i read this story and the roles were reversed...and it was this wife cheating instead of this husband....and she talked about her affair partner the way he talks about his...my advice would be exactly the same. There are certainly those of us who call wrong wrong...regardless of gender.

 

Male or female...its just WRONG....

 

and I agree with Elaine.....it was my first thought as well. Did his wife find out and reacted violently?

 

Her behavior was wrong regardless of why she beat him...no one deserves to be abused physically or mentally.

 

Funny isn't it...that he doesn't see his affair as abusive behavior to her? He doesn't see his attitude toward his OW as abusive to his wife.

 

She doesn't know about the affair....and he better hope she never finds out...

Edited June 16, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~T

[donbar]

But I do see it as abusive. I regret it. I'm just being honest with you. And my wife's violence towards me is indicative of why I had the affair in the first place. She does not know of it.

No need to shake me Mrs JA, I'm shaking enough from what happened.

[knabe]

When a wife of 27 years starts beating up her husband, and when that same husband can hardly think straight due to his love for another woman, then is would be a bit remiss to think the two things are not connected.

 

Oh, I'm sure they're connected. But domestic abuse is domestic abuse, and an affair doesn't make it okay. Period.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Oh, I'm sure they're connected. But domestic abuse is domestic abuse, and an affair doesn't make it okay. Period.

 

I dont think ANYONE is saying an affair makes it ok to be abusive...I think she was saying that perhaps if the wife found out thats why she attacked him. I thought the same thing. It doesn't mean either of us think her reaction would have been justified.

[elaine567]

Oh, I'm sure they're connected. But domestic abuse is domestic abuse, and an affair doesn't make it okay. Period.

 

No-one here said she was correct to do what she did, or that the OP "deserved it".

She was totally in the wrong. Domestic abuse is domestic abuse, I agree.

 

Yes, she may have anger issues in the past, but this was in a different league and after 27 years of non violence towards the OP, a question that needs asked is why?

...and another one is why now?

[LivingWaterPlease]

No-one here said she was correct to do what she did, or that the OP "deserved it".

She was totally in the wrong. Domestic abuse is domestic abuse, I agree.

 

Yes, she may have anger issues in the past, but this was in a different league and after 27 years of non violence towards the OP, a question that needs asked is why?

...and another one is why now?

 

Good point, this is different but possibly not in a different league because, as donbar mentioned, she has done other things (we don't know to what level of offense they were since he didn't tell us, could be nasty and/or disgusting, maybe not; unknown, but it seems they were abusive as to how he categorized them) in the past before the affair took place that he couldn't post because they are too specific. Possibly he could be readily identified by them is why he didn't post. But, seems from him mentioning them in the context he did that they were likely egregious.

Edited June 16, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[Chica80]

Not that an A is ever justifiable....but seems everyone is forgetting that OP started his A...after wife told him she wanted a divorce that she didn't want to be with him anymore.

He then found so eine else he wanted to be with but wife got sick. So he stayed.

 

OP abuse is never ever ok either way. You are not responsible for your wife's actions. It wrks the same she is not responsible for you having an A that was your choice how you chose to deal with the situation. And as difficult as it may seem feeling her life or saying she's going to kill herself....that is not your responsibility. It still falls on her.

 

Frankly she seems manipulative and self destructive. It's not your job to fix her. You can be there for her but you don't have to be there.

 

Sorry to be harsh but your choices seem cowardly to me. Letting everyone else dictate your life and your choices. Your w, your OW....

 

What is it you actually want?

[donbar]

No-one here said she was correct to do what she did, or that the OP "deserved it".

She was totally in the wrong. Domestic abuse is domestic abuse, I agree.

 

Yes, she may have anger issues in the past, but this was in a different league and after 27 years of non violence towards the OP, a question that needs asked is why?

...and another one is why now?

 

Well, I would imagine it has a lot to do with very specific physical attributes of the disease she has been fighting. It definitely has nothing to do with my affair. I came here for support. I admitted it was wrong to have an affair. I wish I hadn't. I am a human being and I still love my OW. I cannot help it. Stop slamming me. I need strength not rebuttals.

[donbar]

Not that an A is ever justifiable....but seems everyone is forgetting that OP started his A...after wife told him she wanted a divorce that she didn't want to be with him anymore.

He then found so eine else he wanted to be with but wife got sick. So he stayed.

 

OP abuse is never ever ok either way. You are not responsible for your wife's actions. It wrks the same she is not responsible for you having an A that was your choice how you chose to deal with the situation. And as difficult as it may seem feeling her life or saying she's going to kill herself....that is not your responsibility. It still falls on her.

 

Frankly she seems manipulative and self destructive. It's not your job to fix her. You can be there for her but you don't have to be there.

 

Sorry to be harsh but your choices seem cowardly to me. Letting everyone else dictate your life and your choices. Your w, your OW....

 

What is it you actually want?

 

That was harsh. Cowardly I was when I didn't admit the A in counseling. But my W is violent. And I am a (look, I hate to write this, but I work out) very strong guy with no desire to hurt anyone. Being physically threatened is difficult. I am not a coward. Try using a more appropriate word.

 

What do I want? The passion and love of a woman who doesn't want to hurt me.

[donbar]

If i read this story and the roles were reversed...and it was this wife cheating instead of this husband....and she talked about her affair partner the way he talks about his...my advice would be exactly the same. There are certainly those of us who call wrong wrong...regardless of gender.

 

Male or female...its just WRONG....

 

and I agree with Elaine.....it was my first thought as well. Did his wife find out and reacted violently?

 

Her behavior was wrong regardless of why she beat him...no one deserves to be abused physically or mentally.

 

Funny isn't it...that he doesn't see his affair as abusive behavior to her? He doesn't see his attitude toward his OW as abusive to his wife.

 

She doesn't know about the affair....and he better hope she never finds out...

 

I read this reply before it got edited but I will respond to it. This forum is for those who cheat and got cheated on. It is supposed to be a place where we can find support. I cheated, deeply regret it, yet still find myself uncontrollably yearning for my other woman. I wish I didn't but I do. I wish I could hold her in my arms and kiss her lips and tell her we will be together. But I can't. And all you guys slamming me doesn't change a thing. Thank you to those who apply constructive criticism. It is much appreciated. My W is struggling to cope with her disease. She is in immense pain and I am trying to help. I am neither doctor nor counselor. I have been married for more than a quarter century. I have 2 great children, I have fought for this country, and I need help. So stop being angry and help me. Or don't post. Simple enough.

I am struggling and I need your support, not nasty words. Try again.

Edited June 17, 2017 by donbar

[LivingWaterPlease]

How are you doing by now, donbar? Wonder if you're back home from your business trip? My heart goes out to you after what you went through before you left. I know it takes time to adjust to the "new normal" of the reality that you were treated this way and especially by a spouse.

 

Can imagine you're still dealing with the aftermath of the experience.

 

I am so sorry you went through this. I just wonder how you are by now.

[donbar]

I'm away still. Won't be home for a few more days. I'm struggling. Some of the replies on here have not helped. I'm trying to do the right thing and stand by my wife whilst being told I'm a coward and I'm making people angry. I want to understand why I feel so bereft without my OW. I don't want to. I want to be strong, and be there for my W, but I looked in the mirror tonight and saw the marks she left and wonder if I shouldn't just leave.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm away still. Won't be home for a few more days. I'm struggling. Some of the replies on here have not helped. I'm trying to do the right thing and stand by my wife whilst being told I'm a coward and I'm making people angry. I want to understand why I feel so bereft without my OW. I don't want to. I want to be strong, and be there for my W, but I looked in the mirror tonight and saw the marks she left and wonder if I shouldn't just leave.

 

 

I have been through what you're going through (the physical assault by a loved one). I've also been cheated on and emotionally abused. Physical abuse is in a different category than being cheated on or being emotionally abused. It's like being treated like an animal; a dog. For me, it was degrading and humiliating far more than being cheated on or emotionally abused.

 

When I was assaulted I believe if I could have stood up for myself by claiming some space (i.e. leaving the home), in doing so showing my abuser I wouldn't be treated that way, it would have helped me tremendously. But, I had nowhere to go. You are fortunate in that you may be able to take some time and stay somewhere else for awhile if you decided to. Could you? In your place, I would do it.

 

I can tell you this, once a person physically abuses you it's probably going to happen again unless that person gets help. And each time it will become more violent than the time before.

 

Do you have family you can stay with for awhile, at least a few days?

 

I'm so sorry, donbar. You have truly been through a lot in your life. I believe you when you say you are trying to put the OW behind you but are grappling with powerful feelings about her you have no control over. I understand that, too, as I've had to get over relationships that have left me with the same type of feelings.

 

The only thing that has gotten me through broken relationships, abuse, and much more is prayer and reading the scriptures in order to get close to God, not as an exercise. Because nothing else helped in desperation I turned to Him. Counseling helps work through issues, but those intense feelings of love and desire weren't helped by counseling in my case. God was the only One who had the power to help me recover. It takes time but He can heal a person and build them up. He is FOR you. He is on your side. He's for your wife, too, and will help her if she turns to Him. He's basically for everyone but it seems to me very few people will turn to Him for help. I don't mean to preach to you but I'm just sharing with you what has helped me.

 

If you don't have a Bible, get the New International Version. And begin reading the Psalms, also Isaiah chapters 40-50. And the book of John in the New Testament. For all I know, though, you may not be a believer. If so, know that I don't mean to preach to you. I'm just sharing how I survived and thrived after a lot of junk I've been through.

 

You will be in my prayers tonight.

[honeytomb]

You don't think it's strange that she asked you if you turned to anyone, attacked you when you lied, and afterward said that what she did was "worse than cheating"? Why would she even compare it to that or bring that up if it wasn't related? I am a bit confused about the TL and maybe you weren't lying about that particular instance of turning to your friend, but the fact is that in the past, you were turning to another woman. I understand that your wife has a history of abuse and am not saying that it justifies her abuse, but it does seem that, drunk or not, she knows about your A. Perhaps she has had an inkling for a long time and has tried to bury it. If this is the case, she needs and deserves to know the truth. You may have once agreed that you didn't want to know if the other cheated, but now she has pretty much asked you directly, so that has clearly changed for her.

 

It sounds like your wife has struggled with mental health issues for a long time and has not received the help that she needs. You have also mentioned her drinking in a couple of posts. Is she an alcoholic? In this particular episode, she could have been enraged by your betrayal and lying to her, but on more than one occasion, she has been a danger to herself and to you. She needs to be put under observation or at least go to AA. If you see counselors, it may be time for new counselors (actually psychologists if not psychiatrists) and a different/more intensive type of therapy.

 

I don't think you are a coward for standing by your wife, but I am confused about why you continue doing so. It is very hard to pull yourself out of an abusive cycle, especially when you are being manipulated and blackmailed, but it would probably be for the best, especially if you are going to be carrying a torch for OW, and if your wife is violent and unpredictable. Your A aside, it is not clear that you can truly care for or provide the care your wife needs (from a mental health standpoint.) In any case, you need to get thoughts of OW out of your head long enough to get your life straightened out.

 

A note about your kids, you've said they are grown. From what I understand, even people with good childhoods and decent parents eventually have to realize that their parents are not the perfect humans they have tried so hard to present themselves as. I don't see why your A even needs to come up if you divorce (unless your wife already knows), so I am not sure why that would affect them. Of course, they will be upset if you separate, no way around that. From your posts, it appears your wife has them under her thumb as well but they will have to face the truth about her eventually as well.

Edited June 17, 2017 by honeytomb