MM loses OW

[LilyViolet]

I'm not going to address the abuse stuff in detail.

 

In regards to the OW you need to let go and start working on yourself. You keep saying you still love her and you know she still loves you - I'm sorry but you simply don't know that. Most people who get out of these things look back on them almost with embarrassment, especially if the guy was older, and you tend to see them as pretty weak and take the lesson learned. I doubt she will love you forever, she will likely find someone available and carry on her happy life. Besides, what you had can't possibly be real love. Maybe a type of it, but you will never ever know if it was real. The affair fog, the secrecy, the fact it's all secret romantic trysts sex and champagne and the fact you couldn't live a normal daily life makes it impossible to know whether you would have worked in a normal dynamic. You're still in the affair fog. Your whole she's wonderful, you two are ill fated but had this beautiful unique intense connection etc I'm sorry to say that's how EVERYONE feels in the fog and it really isn't the unique connection you're imagining. Likely this could've happened with another woman given the right circumstances. Either way, you didn't take action at the right time and this has probably coloured her view of you and your relationship forever and I highly doubt she'll believe it was true love. I'm not saying this to be mean as I do feel for you, but I do think you need to hear it as it sounds like you're focusing on her to avoid the mess in the rest of your life.

 

I hope you have the courage to leave your marriage. I know your wife has issues that probably weren't helped by your affair but there's no excuse for abuse. You won't make her or yourself happy in the long run, you come across almost like you're her carer. I know it seems harsh to leave if she's unwell but neither of you will be happy in the long run in this dynamic.

[whichwayisup]

I want her so much it hurts. If she told me to get divorced and she would consider me once I was single I would do it.

 

 

But I'm not going to get divorced and end up alone, with children who won't talk to me because I would rather be comfortable and have a companion who has become much easier to live with.

 

So you'd prefer to stay in an abusive marriage and show your kids it's okay to stay with someone who treats you like crap rather than fight the fear of being on your own, growing strong? If you divorce your wife and be single, you'll be on a better path, be healthy and show your kids to get out of bad situations and not settle because it's comfortable regardless of how you're treated.

 

I get that some people don't want to alone and staying married is for companionship is the main reason but when it does damage to yourself and especially to your kids, it's time to get out and be independent.

 

Get counseling please to help you get strong so you can live a happier life. You will gain inner strength and be an inspiration to your kids. You can do this!!

 

As for your exOW, let her go.

[donbar]

I'm going to make this post really simple for those who think I cannot get over my OW.

 

I know she has gone for good.

 

I get I need to sort out my M.

 

Thank you.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I'm going to make this post really simple for those who think I cannot get over my OW.

 

I know she has gone for good.

 

I get I need to sort out my M.

 

Thank you.

 

Donbar....i am hoping that you can sort out YOU. Not your marriage...not your wife...not the OW.

 

There are so many issues going on here....but the most important thing is that you figure out YOU...your needs...your wants....your hopes and your dreams. If you can find out what it is you truly want and need...you may find out that it does not include EITHER of these women.

 

Best of luck to you.

[waterwoman]

Donbar - I feel so achingly sorry for your damaged wife. It breaks my heart to imagine her pain and shame and insecurity. I could almost see myself acting as she has done a few years back... But but but... Despite my sympathy for her this also your life and you have the duty to live it to the best of your ability.

 

So so sad

[LilyViolet]

Donbar....i am hoping that you can sort out YOU. Not your marriage...not your wife...not the OW.

 

There are so many issues going on here....but the most important thing is that you figure out YOU...your needs...your wants....your hopes and your dreams. If you can find out what it is you truly want and need...you may find out that it does not include EITHER of these women.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

Agree with this 100%. You need to commit to you right now. You haven't let go of OW as you are still romanticising the relationship and believe it was real love, that she'll always love you which I doubt.

 

You can't just say oh well I realised I'm not gonna leave so I'm gonna focus on my marriage now. You need to look at why you cheated, work on your own happiness. There's so many issues in your marriage that the affair is just the top of the iceberg. You shouldn't be focused on the marriage because of being obligated to stay. You haven't spoken about your wife in great terms and she is abusive to you. If you were really seeing the error of your ways you wouldn't be romanticising OW to this extent still. It really seems you have a lot on your plate right now and your focus should be on you, your health and your happiness. It seems you may be burying your head in the sand about a lot of it. I think you need to stop putting the affair on a pedestal as well, as I said earlier you have no way of knowing what that relationship would be like in the cold light of day plus that whole intense unique connection is how most people feel in an A, probably intensified for you because you were so unhappy in your marriage that this was a very welcome distraction.

 

I hope you are able to get some distance and work on yourself. Remember if your wife has mental capacity, there is no excuse for abuse.

[donbar]

It was real love to me. It was visceral, deep, heavenly.

 

In the end my OW left. She is strong. She doesn't want to be the OW.

 

I cheated because on that night we first kissed I was, as corny as it sounds, smitten, struck down, in love, powerless! And if you have never felt that emotion I'm sorry. It is amazing! ..OBTW, my wife said she wanted a divorce.

 

I see the error of my ways because I made a vow and I broke it, for that I am remorseful, will always be. Disturbed.

 

The affair is on a pedestal because, frankly, it was the best thing to EVER happen to me. Every minute with her was beautiful. I wished I had the guts to throw it all in and confess to my desire to leave my W. But I didn't, and OW grew tired. I will love her forever. Bereaved Spouses?! Get over it. It is who I am and what I wish happened.

 

Yes, who knows what our relationship would be in the cold gray light of reality. But I love her. I miss her. She is beautiful. Who knows what my life will turn out like until I make a decision. I will always love her. Oh no!!!!!!!

 

But she is gone. I get it. Stop going on about it. My OW IS GONE!!!!!!!!

 

I will try to live my life to the fullest. I am human. I am making mistakes. I am struggling.

 

The affair fog....I get it. Holed up in a hotel room in the ecstasy of her flesh, the joy of her kisses, the desire, the wondrous love. The small talk, the dreams....Well, it is a drug. And I drank from it and it empowered me.

 

Yes, my future will not involve either women, and I may well end up on my own, watching reruns of Seinfeld, drinking IPAs but at least I tasted heaven. And that makes it worth it. Life is too short and I am sick of being sad.

 

I'll enjoy my hobbies. Maybe annoy some of you angry people by posting updates. JOKE! Either way, we are here for such a short time.

 

Finally, thank you all, I am trying to take care of me. Work out how to be happy. After all, happiness is what we all want. I am ready to be happy.

Edited June 20, 2017 by donbar

[LivingWaterPlease]

Well, this is one of the purposes of LS, to process your feelings and seems good to me that you have a place to do so.

 

You have so much on your plate what with trying to recover from your wife's somewhat surprising outburst/assault after having been having such a good time together for awhile. Add to that dealing with your emotions for OW, it's just a lot.

 

Have you ever journaled? You think it might be a good idea to begin journaling now so that you can look back every so often to evaluate your journey? Could it help you to see things you can't see from so close up?

 

Are up able to sleep? Eat? Work, etc? Just wonder how you're handing the routine of your life.

[donbar]

Great questions...

 

So I got home tonight and my wife was very pleasant, we chatted about irrelevant stuff, and she told me she wanted to give me space, then went to sleep in the guest room. Meanwhile I had talked to one of my children about the probable chances of a divorce and they got angry, even though they know about the punches, and finally,

 

Yes. OW has gone. Journaling would be great. But I haven't been doing that. Im using LS for that.

 

I sleep OK. I'm functioning. I eat healthy. Ish. Thank you for asking.

[LilyViolet]

It was real love to me. It was visceral, deep, heavenly.

 

In the end my OW left. She is strong. She doesn't want to be the OW.

 

I cheated because on that night we first kissed I was, as corny as it sounds, smitten, struck down, in love, powerless! And if you have never felt that emotion I'm sorry. It is amazing! ..OBTW, my wife said she wanted a divorce.

 

I see the error of my ways because I made a vow and I broke it, for that I am remorseful, will always be. Disturbed.

 

The affair is on a pedestal because, frankly, it was the best thing to EVER happen to me. Every minute with her was beautiful. I wished I had the guts to throw it all in and confess to my desire to leave my W. But I didn't, and OW grew tired. I will love her forever. Bereaved Spouses?! Get over it. It is who I am and what I wish happened.

 

Yes, who knows what our relationship would be in the cold gray light of reality. But I love her. I miss her. She is beautiful. Who knows what my life will turn out like until I make a decision. I will always love her. Oh no!!!!!!!

 

But she is gone. I get it. Stop going on about it. My OW IS GONE!!!!!!!!

 

I will try to live my life to the fullest. I am human. I am making mistakes. I am struggling.

 

The affair fog....I get it. Holed up in a hotel room in the ecstasy of her flesh, the joy of her kisses, the desire, the wondrous love. The small talk, the dreams....Well, it is a drug. And I drank from it and it empowered me.

 

Yes, my future will not involve either women, and I may well end up on my own, watching reruns of Seinfeld, drinking IPAs but at least I tasted heaven. And that makes it worth it. Life is too short and I am sick of being sad.

 

I'll enjoy my hobbies. Maybe annoy some of you angry people by posting updates. JOKE! Either way, we are here for such a short time.

 

Finally, thank you all, I am trying to take care of me. Work out how to be happy. After all, happiness is what we all want. I am ready to be happy.

 

You're kidding yourself and lost in the fog and idealising. The way you feel about your affair is how everyone feels. I highly doubt she will reflect back in the same way. Sure you have strong intense feelings but again you simply can't know how it would've been under normal circumstances. Your refusal to acknowledge this and the way you put the affair on a pedestal strongly suggests you are in no way in the right place to consider R with your wife. You won't be happy as long as you cling to this. 'Tasted heaven' - really? The rapturous tones you speak about the affair concern me. It really was no different to any other affair and the more you believe this perfect heavenly love rhetoric the more barriers you're putting in the way of your own happiness. It's not realistic, it sounds like avoidance and you really need to leave this behind of you want to make any progress on yourself. Speaking like a teenager writing bad poetry (the ecstasy of her flesh) serves to enforce this in your mind over and over and stops you making any real progress. I'm in no way angry, I have cheated, been cheated on and had an affair with a married man. I look back on it and cringe. I expect she will end up doing the same. You however do seem angry at anyone telling you you need to stop doing this, which again is a red flag. You need to stop saying you're making a choice to be happy because I really see zero evidence of this, you've chosen the path of least resistance and burying your head in the sand about your whole life really. People are posting this stuff to help you not berate you. Of course you see it was the best thing that happened to you that's the affair fog. If you're still honestly believing it was the best thing that ever happened to you you have no business pretending your priority is reconciling with your wife. You didn't come to a realisation that your wife is truly the one for you, you simply didn't have the courage to leave.

 

I'm sorry if you find all this stuff harsh but your current attitude is going to hurt everyone around you, and I fear it will be you who is hurting most. You can keep saying you're moving forward but you contradict yourself constantly and I see no evidence of moving forward.

[Noideanow]

Your kids getting angry when you told them that-(( tells more about them than you, they are not grownups (unable to love and take care of themselves and have empathy for you its all about their fears (they could have said it makes them scared but that you have to be happy) seems you have something to teach them still-( Seems they have learned from your wife:o think about yourself:o

[Noideanow]

Your kids getting angry when you told them that-(( tells more about them than you, they are not grownups (unable to love and take care of themselves and have empathy for you its all about their fears ( seems you have something to teach them still-( Seems they have learned from your wife:o think about yourself:o

[LilyViolet]

Your kids getting angry when you told them that-(( tells more about them than you, they are not grownups (unable to love and take care of themselves and have empathy for you its all about their fears ( seems you have something to teach them still-( Seems they have learned from your wife:o think about yourself:o

 

Pretty sure it's normal for kids to react upset when divorce is talked about.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Pretty sure it's normal for kids to react upset when divorce is talked about.

 

They're grown, not in the home.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Great questions...

So I got home tonight and my wife was very pleasant, we chatted about irrelevant stuff, and she told me she wanted to give me space, then went to sleep in the guest room. Meanwhile I had talked to one of my children about the probable chances of a divorce and they got angry, even though they know about the punches, and finally,

 

Yes. OW has gone. Journaling would be great. But I haven't been doing that. Im using LS for that.

 

I sleep OK. I'm functioning. I eat healthy. Ish. Thank you for asking.

 

Glad to read you're getting space, can function, sleep, eat, etc. Makes a big difference if you can live a physically healthy life while going through tough times.

 

OK, yes, LS can be a place to journal. You seem to be able to write pretty much whatever you want to say here and stand up for yourself if you feel someone's treating you too harshly. Not that my opinion matters but seems to me you handle conflict pretty well on LS.

 

As far as talking to one of the kids about divorce and he/she becoming angry. Know that's not easy to experience. Our children, even when grown, are our hearts, at least mine are. Hope that wasn't just one more thing to deal with and that you can rest assured the son/daughter will cool off and gain some perspective as time goes on.

 

PS Was going to ask a few questions, nothing major, but it's been a long day and also don't want to pile on you as you may need a bit of a respite.

Edited June 20, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[elaine567]

Meanwhile I had talked to one of my children about the probable chances of a divorce and they got angry, even though they know about the punches, and finally,

 

 

 

Angry about what?

Angry with who?

Why?

[Overtaxed]

You're kidding yourself and lost in the fog and idealising. The way you feel about your affair is how everyone feels. I highly doubt she will reflect back in the same way. Sure you have strong intense feelings but again you simply can't know how it would've been under normal circumstances. Your refusal to acknowledge this and the way you put the affair on a pedestal strongly suggests you are in no way in the right place to consider R with your wife. You won't be happy as long as you cling to this. 'Tasted heaven' - really? The rapturous tones you speak about the affair concern me. It really was no different to any other affair and the more you believe this perfect heavenly love rhetoric the more barriers you're putting in the way of your own happiness. It's not realistic, it sounds like avoidance and you really need to leave this behind of you want to make any progress on yourself. Speaking like a teenager writing bad poetry (the ecstasy of her flesh) serves to enforce this in your mind over and over and stops you making any real progress. I'm in no way angry, I have cheated, been cheated on and had an affair with a married man. I look back on it and cringe. I expect she will end up doing the same. You however do seem angry at anyone telling you you need to stop doing this, which again is a red flag. You need to stop saying you're making a choice to be happy because I really see zero evidence of this, you've chosen the path of least resistance and burying your head in the sand about your whole life really. People are posting this stuff to help you not berate you. Of course you see it was the best thing that happened to you that's the affair fog. If you're still honestly believing it was the best thing that ever happened to you you have no business pretending your priority is reconciling with your wife. You didn't come to a realisation that your wife is truly the one for you, you simply didn't have the courage to leave.

 

I'm sorry if you find all this stuff harsh but your current attitude is going to hurt everyone around you, and I fear it will be you who is hurting most. You can keep saying you're moving forward but you contradict yourself constantly and I see no evidence of moving forward.

 

I like to second this comment.

 

OK, I get it, the A was a lot of fun. Your AP was an awesome person, and you really do miss her. But you honestly sound like a "dry drunk", sitting around thinking about all the awesome times they had drinking, talking about how wonderful that beer tasted and not remembering all the awful that came after that. Your wife is shattered, your life is in tatters, the AP has moved on. Sure, that was a great beer, it tasted wonderful going down. But you have to look at the whole picture; and, in an A, that's almost always a very ugly picture indeed.

 

You will never recover from this as long as you think like this. Nobody is perfect, and your AP, simply be being involved in an A with you, is showing you exactly how imperfect she is. If you put people into boxes, and one of those boxes is "without flaws" you'll always wind up disappointed. And most A's wind up with both AP's in that "perfect" box. Neither of them are perfect, FAR from it, but you wind up there because the A is all about "showing off how perfect you are".

 

If you want to heal, don't ruminate on the awesome times (the nights out drunk with your buddies laughing it up), ruminate on the awful times (the night in jail after getting arrested for public intoxication). It's "healing" 101, and you've got to start doing it if you want to get over this.

[donbar]

Angry about what?

Angry with who?

Why?

 

Angry with me for telling them I think. They want life to be perfect. Oh well...

[donbar]

Glad to read you're getting space, can function, sleep, eat, etc. Makes a big difference if you can live a physically healthy life while going through tough times.

 

OK, yes, LS can be a place to journal. You seem to be able to write pretty much whatever you want to say here and stand up for yourself if you feel someone's treating you too harshly. Not that my opinion matters but seems to me you handle conflict pretty well on LS.

 

As far as talking to one of the kids about divorce and he/she becoming angry. Know that's not easy to experience. Our children, even when grown, are our hearts, at least mine are. Hope that wasn't just one more thing to deal with and that you can rest assured the son/daughter will cool off and gain some perspective as time goes on.

 

PS Was going to ask a few questions, nothing major, but it's been a long day and also don't want to pile on you as you may need a bit of a respite.

 

Feel free to ask. I'm getting used to LS now..

[donbar]

You're kidding yourself and lost in the fog and idealising. The way you feel about your affair is how everyone feels. I highly doubt she will reflect back in the same way. Sure you have strong intense feelings but again you simply can't know how it would've been under normal circumstances. Your refusal to acknowledge this and the way you put the affair on a pedestal strongly suggests you are in no way in the right place to consider R with your wife. You won't be happy as long as you cling to this. 'Tasted heaven' - really? The rapturous tones you speak about the affair concern me. It really was no different to any other affair and the more you believe this perfect heavenly love rhetoric the more barriers you're putting in the way of your own happiness. It's not realistic, it sounds like avoidance and you really need to leave this behind of you want to make any progress on yourself. Speaking like a teenager writing bad poetry (the ecstasy of her flesh) serves to enforce this in your mind over and over and stops you making any real progress. I'm in no way angry, I have cheated, been cheated on and had an affair with a married man. I look back on it and cringe. I expect she will end up doing the same. You however do seem angry at anyone telling you you need to stop doing this, which again is a red flag. You need to stop saying you're making a choice to be happy because I really see zero evidence of this, you've chosen the path of least resistance and burying your head in the sand about your whole life really. People are posting this stuff to help you not berate you. Of course you see it was the best thing that happened to you that's the affair fog. If you're still honestly believing it was the best thing that ever happened to you you have no business pretending your priority is reconciling with your wife. You didn't come to a realisation that your wife is truly the one for you, you simply didn't have the courage to leave.

 

I'm sorry if you find all this stuff harsh but your current attitude is going to hurt everyone around you, and I fear it will be you who is hurting most. You can keep saying you're moving forward but you contradict yourself constantly and I see no evidence of moving forward.

 

I'm no longer in the right place to consider R with my wife after getting punched in the face, so guess what, my AP is perfect in my eyes right now.

 

Sorry my bad teenage poetry offends you, but it was beautiful.....

[aileD]

Being cheated on changes people. It changed me. I did things I couldn't imagine ever doing.

 

That's no excuse for violence, however you should look at yourself too and the damage you are doing to another human being, and not just anyone but someone you married.

 

Leave her or reconcile. Don't stay in limbo because all this will just continue.

 

 

Ps I didn't read all replies so not sure if she was violent

prior to all this.

[somanymistakes]

Great questions...

 

So I got home tonight and my wife was very pleasant, we chatted about irrelevant stuff, and she told me she wanted to give me space, then went to sleep in the guest room. Meanwhile I had talked to one of my children about the probable chances of a divorce and they got angry, even though they know about the punches, and finally,

 

Yes. OW has gone. Journaling would be great. But I haven't been doing that. Im using LS for that.

 

I sleep OK. I'm functioning. I eat healthy. Ish. Thank you for asking.

 

Even for grown children, many people will react negatively at first to the idea of divorce. It tends to be a shock. It forces you to reconfigure how you think about your parents, it undercuts parts of your life and the world that you took for granted. Many adult children get surprisingly petulant over their parents suddenly turning out to be people. They will usually get over it in time, don't hold their immediate reactions against them. (I mean, unless they get violent, obviously. But if they're just upset, accept that as a natural pain they have to deal with.)

 

I do not think you should be working towards reconciliation. Obviously it's not my opinion that matters, but all things considered, it seems like getting out of this is the best thing for you, regardless of whether you ever get back together with the OW or end up sometime in the future finding someone else entirely, or even just being alone and recentering yourself.

 

Of course your OW is not perfect - no one is. None of us are perfect, that doesn't mean we don't deserve love. You are not perfect, that doesn't mean you deserve to be hit and vilified.

[LilyViolet]

I'm no longer in the right place to consider R with my wife after getting punched in the face, so guess what, my AP is perfect in my eyes right now.

 

Sorry my bad teenage poetry offends you, but it was beautiful.....

 

Of course it was! You only had the good exciting parts together and was a retreat from your terrible marriage. Everyone feels this way, trust me. It's really not healthy for you to be saying she's perfect. Man you don't even know whether you would've had a shot at working in the real world. Really listen to yourself - this attitude isn't healthy and it will hold you back. You need to look at this honestly. She isn't the great missed love of your life. If she is? Go get her back. Why not? There's nothing in your marriage. If she's PERFECT then there would be nothing holding you back. I think deep down you know this is unlikely to work, you prefer it as this perfect fantasy. It doesn't offend me, it just sounds unhealthy and like you're not facing reality and burying your head in the sand.

[donbar]

Lily,

 

I am very well aware of the fog, the bubble. I am also very aware that my M is beyond hope now.

I certainly understand that the OW isn't perfect. But after all I know of her she's a damned sight closer to perfect than my W.

I also understand that she is done, gone. Not waiting. Moved on. No more. Paid the bill and left. Unavailable. Vanished. Disappeared from view. An ex OW.

What she did teach me is that there is something so much better out there. Maybe I can find it again. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll be a sad old codger. But I'm going to try.

[seren]

Hi Donbar, I am an XBS, I say X as my husband and I are almost 10 yrs on from D Day when he told me about his affair. He in now ex military, 26 yrs service, I also ex, 10 yrs service. His affair came after a dreadful time in Iraq, after the A he had counselling from combat stress and is learning to cope with his demons, we both go together so I can help and he has IC. Just giving you some background, I know all about the life of a service wife and how much we support our partners when they go on deployment.

 

When my H told me about the affair I went totally bat**** crazy, I am so, so not a shouter, a thrower or a hitter, I have worked with domestic abuse and hate all violence. BUT, when H told me I totally lost the plot, I threw whatever I could get my hands on, not at him but that was more luck than judgment, I smashed each and every photograph of us together, I had to ask him to leave the house as I feared what I could do next. I clenched my fists together so hard I popped the knuckles, I then collapsed in a heap and cried for hours. I can tell you that this is so not who I know myself to me, but at that moment, confronted by a truth I never, ever saw coming, my head imploded and I can honestly say that if I had been mentally assessed in the hours or three afterwards I was sectioning material and I mean that, as an ex mental health worker I realised that I was almost catatonic.

 

I am not proud of my rage, my reaction any of it. The person I needed to hold me and tell me everything was OK was sat in front of me moving his mouth, looking scared and worried and sorry for me and I wanted to run to him and have a cuddle, but he was the one who had hurt me. I have huge personal issues, mainly with trust, when H told me my world just almost dropped off its axis, I went out of control, it was like watching a film of me, he and chaos.

 

When he came back after I rang him and said it's OK, things are calmer, he came back, we both cried, we both held each other and I asked him to forgive my outburst, he couldn't understand why I would ask, as he saw it, he felt that he had hurt me far more, even if you couldn't see it. His take was that if my pain were bruises I would be battered beyond belief. He was right, but it doesn't make physical attacks any less heinous. Any violence is wrong, shouting, throwing and emotional abuse, anything that hurts another is wrong.

 

Why am I telling you this? not to condone what has happened to you, maybe to try to explain it, where it might have come from. Sounds from your earlier posts that you both had a volatile relationship, not sure if she had made a habit out of hitting you or you of throwing stuff, but it does sound a bit hectic. I will again say that physical violence is wrong, but I would have taken a punch or three rather than have H lie, break my trust and have an affair. There I have said it, I can only speak for me, no one else and am not saying anyone should, but the relentless pain of an A is soul destroying.

 

We are reconciled, we are happy, both of us stayed for love of the other, it works for us. If you and your wife are unhappy then leave, make plans and everything else that has been suggested and go. It really is that easy, easier than the long, drawn out suffering of a relationship that is dead. That way both you and your wife can heal and maybe in time find someone else.

 

I remember when H and I first got together and it was, like all of us at the beginning of a love affair, like unicorns, sparkles, the whole damned fairy tale was going on and had only happened to us. It, of course, fades over time, but if one thing the A taught us was that if we want that, then we have to make time to keep it alive. If you and your wife are past that, if there is no hope, then go, be honest, the worse thing about affairs aren't the sex or intimacy our partners do with someone else behind our backs, it is the lies they say to our face. I so wish both you and your family well and a healthy, happy future. x