For all those with porn issues...

[Toni_no12002]

i do aprriate what everyones saying but why is it so wrong for me to be upset about it?and why is it only my problem?i dont want to argue with any one because im not like that but why should i sit back and be upset about it?so he gets to do what he wants?i do understand it sort of but i dont think ill change my mind about it.and im sorry for saying slutty women i was just abit angry there probably really nice but i thought relationships arent supposed to make you unhappy?well im unhappy about this so am i in the wrong totally?men dont have to look at other women in a relationship to get off its just an excuse its not like heyd die without it.i dont want to argue with anyone so please be nice with your replies i just feel so upset that i have to sit back and let him do it when it upsets me so much

[lvgrly]

No, You do not have to sit back and let him do what he wants to do. You need to come to an agreement on this..Watch it with him..

 

But if you are so unhappy then why are you still in the relationship with this guy? If you have that much of a problem with what he watches, then find someone who feels the same way you do about it.

 

Think about it..Its common sense.

[lvgrly]

Originally posted by guest

I rememer that hardcore doc linda talked about and tho I don't post I wanted to say something about it cause it stuck in my mind too. It was really sad...evr1 at school talked about it next day. The bird just doing it for her kid. My mates got dvds where women got beaten up then pissed on but I cant watch. It's sick. Theres plenty of that stuff out there so enough people out there must buy it.....look it up. if they was making films showing black people getting tortured by whites thered be laldy even if tje black peple were getting paid and aggreeing to do it. So what's racist should be sexist too. Look what happend when they had those pictures in the war. I think its wierd that a bird comes on here and saying that its ok. Would she like to be beated up and pissed on because she needed money for her kids? Would she like a gang of pissed up blokes grabbing her on the street and doing that to her for a joke. I don't think that its ok and im not even a bird. We're all human after all

 

Ok dear lord people..I know that this site does not have a spell check, but thats why there are books that teach you how to spell..

 

And second off, what the hell did that post have anything to do with this?

[Outcast]

i thought relationships arent supposed to make you unhappy?well im unhappy about this so am i in the wrong totally

 

You make yourself happy or unhappy. Other people do not make you happy. You make yourself happy by believing things or not believing them. If you believe, like many women do, that the men do not like the porn women better than their own women, then you would not be unhappy.

 

Does he get to do what he wants? As much as you do. I bet you shop sometimes when he would prefer you not. I bet you both do things the other person might not love. But you are still two independent human beings that sometimes like different things and that's the way it should be.

 

You can make a conscious decision to not let this bother you. You can decide to believe that he does love and desire you more than anybody else and that the pictures are just for an occasional look but nothing he prefers to you. But that's up to you to do. Or you can stay unhappy believing that he likes them more than you when it's not true.

 

Now. Does it make more sense to believe something that's not true and that makes you unhappy or to believe someone who says he loves you and be happy because he loves you?

[lindya]

Originally posted by Toni_no12002

i do aprriate what everyones saying but why is it so wrong for me to be upset about it?and why is it only my problem?....i just feel so upset that i have to sit back and let him do it when it upsets me so much

 

You're not wrong to get upset. Feelings are nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about, and despite what people are saying here, there is no law that says you have to like porn or accept it. Freedom of choice should, after all, include the right to not watch porn if you don't want to. Freedom of expression should include the right to say you don't like it without others attacking or deriding you for that view. You are entitled to your feelings about this.

 

I think people are alternately drawn to and repelled by porn for many different reasons. Most men I know do use it from time to time, and generally say that once it's served its purpose (so to speak) they will feel bored by the images and have no interest in looking at them until the next session. An ex told me that gonzo porn (ie depicting rape and torture) provides an incredible rush, often followed by an intense low and feelings of emptiness. I can see why it would have this effect both physically and psychologically.

 

I think it would be an idea to sit down and have a proper chat with your boyfriend. If you can, be fairly calm and non-judging as possible about his porn use. Focus on his reasons for using it, rather than your feelings about it - he might feel better able to explain what it is that he's getting out of using the porn, whether there are times he'd rather use it instead of having sex with you - and how the two of you can figure out ways of not allowing it to take priority over your relationship...or interfere with it (unless you decide later on that you want it to).

[Toni_no12002]

i asked my boyfriend why he used it and his answer was...well he says he doesnt masturbate to it!i dont get it why watch it then!also looking at pics of naked women why look at them.he says he does this when hes not horney etc so what does this mean?why cant he stare at pics of cars instead?

[LucreziaBorgia]

There is absolutely no chance he would admit to you that he masturbates to them. I expect he knows what your reaction would be and wisely tells you what you want to hear.

[New_Wife]

Toni,

 

I think this is such a charged issue because there are such strong feelings on either side. It's like abortion in it's own way.

 

However, like abortion, I think partners should agree on which side of the fence they stand. I, for example, am not okay with my husband and porn. It's something I am opposed to for a number of reasons that are mine alone - and not open to LS nitpicking. I am also opposed to certain religions, beastiality, sacrificing small children on an altar, mugging little old ladies, and eating one's own placenta after giving birth. Some of these things are acceptable to others. (DISCLAIMER: I am not making 'if-then' assumptions regarding porn and any of the above, so keep your panties out of a bundle please.)

 

If you are opposed to it, it seems you either need to come to an agreement with your partner, or find a new partner. There aren't really a whole lot of other choices. If someone were to suggest that I just give in and watch porn, I'd suggest they enjoy the taste of my elbow in their teeth. I feel that strongly opposed to it. If someone were to tell me that she and her husband enjoyed watching adult porn together, however, I'd think nothing of it. It's a personal choice.

 

Anyway, I seem to have taken the scenic route here, to tell you that I understand your point of view, and you are not alone.

[Toni_no12002]

thanks. everyone keeps saying to get a new partner etc but i love him to bits but i just feel that if your in a relationship theres no need for porn.i always get people saying that its wrong to make him stop.i have never asked him to and never would.but i feel rejected if he uses it like hes doing it instead of being with me.he wants to get married but i dont know i feel a mess at the minute.everyones telling me to dump him or deal with it but i dont want to dump him because i love him but i cant deal with it.it upsets me that much.i feel like im going crazy,because i keep checking the computer to see what sites hes been going on.also he stares at other women in the street which bothers me.i know what everyone will be thinking!weirdo! i know everyone does this so why cant i get it into my thick head!when i catch him looking i feel like crying oooooooooo life so annoying!

[New_Wife]

Well, have you honestly told him how strongly you feel about it and why?

 

I "subtly" asked my H (when we were just dating) to not look at it. Now 'subtle' to most guys is the equivalent of 'I think she mentioned something about this once but didn't really care all that much or she'd have said more.'

 

Like most guys, my H is a very literal person.

 

So, it came up again about a year and 1/2 later when I was browsing the old 'puter and found his footprints when I was trying to use the history to trace my way back to an Ebay Item from the day before. Imagine my surprise when I thought we had an understanding. Imagine his when I flew off the handle for something he'd thought wasn't that big of a deal.

 

It became a big fat hairy nasty nearly deal-breaking fight. I bear a large part of the resonsibility for not openly and clearly stating my position and reasons.

 

Luckily, we were already in premarital counseling, and it was a good time to hammer it out. When he got to the point where he knew what I was talking about, and took a look at it from my perspective, he was all too willing to give up this little thing, that in the end didn't mean that much to him. I also learned that a hint is about as useful as an accordian at a duck hunt.

 

You may want to sit down, during a time when you're both relaxed, and quietly but clearly tell him how you feel about it and why. Tell him what you'd like to see, and then listen to what he's got to say. No matter what - you'll be communicating, which is ten times better than stewing and hurting, right?

[Outcast]

but i feel rejected if he uses it like hes doing it instead of being with me

 

But it doesn't mean he rejects you. Just because you 'feel' a way does not mean there is any real basis for your feeling. Moreover, you are being unfair to him for accusing him of lying. If you choose to believe it's about him rejecting you, that is your choice. Lots of people choose to believe things which aren't true. It only hurts them.

[Toni_no12002]

ive tried talking to him but whenever i try to its always "not now" or "i cant be doing with this" if i cant talk to him who am i supposed to talk to?