Having difficulty accepting I have lost my ex forever

[BG1]

Really struggling today. Spent a wonderful day yesterday with this awesome new girl I've been dating for a couple of weeks. But I'm feeling like crap today because I'm still in love with my ex It hurts so bad. I'm getting this horrible feeling that I'm not going to get better and I can't stop loving her. What's worse is that I desperately want to call her or text her. It's getting to the point where it's taking all my willpower not to run over to her place and talk with her. I want to be with this woman so much. Please someone out there, help me, I'm really struggling right now.

 

Hold on BoopBoo. This is a link to 20 strategies to survive a break-up.

My advice would be single for some time till you feel better, rebounds will make you feel worse and will make you delay your healing.

https://www.mcgill.ca/counselling/files/counselling/surviving_a_break-up_-_20_strategies_0.pdf

[bluefeather]

Why are you even dating right now, man? You're not in a good place to do that right now. Unless you and this new girl are just FWB, or FB, you better not be stringing her along. A broken heart is not an excuse to be a db.

 

Try posting in the No Contact Support Thread.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/556556-no-contact-support-thread-post-here-instead-contacting-your-ex

 

Read through other people's stories here, who also have struggled or are struggling with NC.

[la74219]

I am sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately I have been in a similar situation the past few months. She went back and forth with me giving me false hope all the way up until recently when she met someone else. I was crushed. I'm on day 2 of no contact and not looking back. Terrible timing for me as well as I've had some other family issues during this time, and also in the middle of applying to professional school as well. I've got to get my life back together though, and you do too. When you really step back and look at the situation, no person is worth going through this. This too shall pass. Hang in there man..I'm right there with you.

[Logo]

I know what you're going through and at times I wonder how much longer I'm going to continue holding on to the past. I want to let go, but I keep going back and forth between apathy and acceptance to struggling to accept the demise of what was.

 

I know it's over, but every time I accept that reality, I go back to asking myself, "How did we end up there, anyway?" And sometimes self-blame kicks in and I wonder 'What if'.

[BoopBoo]

Why are you even dating right now, man? You're not in a good place to do that right now. Unless you and this new girl are just FWB, or FB, you better not be stringing her along. A broken heart is not an excuse to be a db.

 

A couple of weeks ago when I took her out I was actually at peace for some reason. That feeling lasted a week. I really enjoy hanging out with this girl too, she's genuinely fun and cool. Then when I realized my ex was leaving town all the anxiety and sadness came back hard. I figured since it had been 2 months since we broke up and she's leaving forever that maybe it would have been good to try and get out there and meet some new people.

 

I hate myself. I hate my weakness. I don't want to be here anymore and I don't know what to do.

[BoopBoo]

I am sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately I have been in a similar situation the past few months. She went back and forth with me giving me false hope all the way up until recently when she met someone else. I was crushed. I'm on day 2 of no contact and not looking back. Terrible timing for me as well as I've had some other family issues during this time, and also in the middle of applying to professional school as well. I've got to get my life back together though, and you do too. When you really step back and look at the situation, no person is worth going through this. This too shall pass. Hang in there man..I'm right there with you.

 

Thank you for the support. That's awful man. I feel real physical pain in my chest and in my gut. Although I know you re right that this isn't worth it, I can't stop these feelings from coming and I'm tired of experiencing all the pain and anxiety that comes with it every day. I can't believe that this is what has broken me. Not the years of brutal schooling, not the deaths of some of my family and friends, not the physical challenges of sports and the sleep deprivation I've faced st work. No, I've been broken by a girl who loved me and who I still love; a girl who cried after she upset me a few months ago because she thought I was going to leave her; who I forgave and then turned around 2 months later and left me without warning.

 

I'm just so tired. I'm tired of fighting, I want to give up

[BoopBoo]

I know what you're going through and at times I wonder how much longer I'm going to continue holding on to the past. I want to let go, but I keep going back and forth between apathy and acceptance to struggling to accept the demise of what was.

 

I know it's over, but every time I accept that reality, I go back to asking myself, "How did we end up there, anyway?" And sometimes self-blame kicks in and I wonder 'What if'.

 

Yep, I was totally zen about it all the week before. Then I found out she was leaving town and I won't have a chance of ever getting back together or seeing her or speaking with her face to face again. She's gone from my life and I feel like part of me is dying.

 

I would do anything in the world to hold her again. My thoughts are dark, I've run out of hope

[la74219]

Thank you for the support. That's awful man. I feel real physical pain in my chest and in my gut. Although I know you re right that this isn't worth it, I can't stop these feelings from coming and I'm tired of experiencing all the pain and anxiety that comes with it every day. I can't believe that this is what has broken me. Not the years of brutal schooling, not the deaths of some of my family and friends, not the physical challenges of sports and the sleep deprivation I've faced st work. No, I've been broken by a girl who loved me and who I still love; a girl who cried after she upset me a few months ago because she thought I was going to leave her; who I forgave and then turned around 2 months later and left me without warning.

 

I'm just so tired. I'm tired of fighting, I want to give up

 

Trust me man, I am going through the same thing. Today has been extra difficult. Only 2 days of no contact, and it's just killing me. I know the feeling, but I've got to keep moving forward and so do you. This is not worth ruining your life over, and in time you will see that. Keep posting and venting if it makes you feel better. I'm listening, and I feel your pain man.

[codest]

I would do anything in the world to hold her again. My thoughts are dark, I've run out of hope

 

Nope, you have not. You're going to have hope for a while, and you shouldn't fight it. Only time will heal you eventually.

 

Your heart and your reason are going separate ways now, that's the reality. You cannot control that, but it will get better.

[BoopBoo]

Nope, you have not. You're going to have hope for a while, and you shouldn't fight it. Only time will heal you eventually.

 

Your heart and your reason are going separate ways now, that's the reality. You cannot control that, but it will get better.

 

What the **** is going on? These feelings change nothing and they are ruining my life. And if time is the only way out of this hell hole (which I'm sure you're right in that statement) what am I supposed to do in the meantime so that I can function. I waste absurd amounts of time thinking about her.

 

****. ****. ****!!!!!!!!! I want to crack open my skull and rip these thoughts out. Her presence is my mind is like a cancer. I don't even know how she is feeling, if she even gives a damn, if she's happier if she has any regrets or doubts. God dammit. God ****ing dammit!

 

I've said it over and over again and I know that everyone here has told me to let it go but I can't ****ing let it go. To me, she was the ****ing ONE. I want to have a family with this person. I want to wake up every day of the rest of my God damn life next to her. I don't give a **** if have to work like a slave, live in a damn hovel or sell my soul to the ****ing Devil

 

I'm totally ****ed up over this. What I've written above is a peak inside of the mind of a ****ing madman that is slowly losing his sanity, but still with it enough to realize his own decline into oblivion.

 

Maybe I'll get lucky today and I'll get hit by a bolt of lighting and save myself and everyone else on here the trouble of my ****ing pathetic weakness

[la74219]

What the **** is going on? These feelings change nothing and they are ruining my life. And if time is the only way out of this hell hole (which I'm sure you're right in that statement) what am I supposed to do in the meantime so that I can function. I waste absurd amounts of time thinking about her.

 

****. ****. ****!!!!!!!!! I want to crack open my skull and rip these thoughts out. Her presence is my mind is like a cancer. I don't even know how she is feeling, if she even gives a damn, if she's happier if she has any regrets or doubts. God dammit. God ****ing dammit!

 

I've said it over and over again and I know that everyone here has told me to let it go but I can't ****ing let it go. To me, she was the ****ing ONE. I want to have a family with this person. I want to wake up every day of the rest of my God damn life next to her. I don't give a **** if have to work like a slave, live in a damn hovel or sell my soul to the ****ing Devil

 

I'm totally ****ed up over this. What I've written above is a peak inside of the mind of a ****ing madman that is slowly losing his sanity, but still with it enough to realize his own decline into oblivion.

 

Maybe I'll get lucky today and I'll get hit by a bolt of lighting and save myself and everyone else on here the trouble of my ****ing pathetic weakness

 

I feel it bro. I really do. This is currently me right now. I'm going through the exact same thing. It's madness. But our lives are worth more. You can't give up, and let this destroy you.

[codest]

Maybe I'll get lucky today and I'll get hit by a bolt of lighting and save myself and everyone else on here the trouble of my ****ing pathetic weakness

 

There is nothing pathetic about your weakness. Instead, you should be proud of the fact that you are capable of such strong emotions and feelings; not everyone is. Also, during this time of despair you will have a great chance to know yourself better.

 

No one can bring her back to you, unfortunately. But you ought to stay strong, my friend, no matter what.

[BoopBoo]

There is nothing pathetic about your weakness. Instead, you should be proud of the fact that you are capable of such strong emotions and feelings; not everyone is. Also, during this time of despair you will have a great chance to know yourself better.

 

No one can bring her back to you, unfortunately. But you ought to stay strong, my friend, no matter what.

 

I feel helpless. You're right, no one can bring her back to me and no one can really stop me from feeling this way. It's the fear of chronic suffering that makes it even worse. It's also like I don't even want to feel better because it involves letting go. And I don't want to have to let go. But I want to stop feeling this way. I don't even know how to let go.

 

Seriously, how do I let go?

[codest]

I feel helpless. You're right, no one can bring her back to me and no one can really stop me from feeling this way. It's the fear of chronic suffering that makes it even worse. It's also like I don't even want to feel better because it involves letting go. And I don't want to have to let go. But I want to stop feeling this way. I don't even know how to let go.

 

Seriously, how do I let go?

 

I don't think you can do that easily. If one could, things would have been much easier for everyone here. A broken heart is a scary monster that can eat you alive, but only if you let it. What can really save you is the notion that you still have your future. There is someone in that future, someone just for you, someone you're going to be happy with.

[BoopBoo]

I don't think you can do that easily. If one could, things would have been much easier for everyone here. A broken heart is a scary monster that can eat you alive, but only if you let it. What can really save you is the notion that you still have your future. There is someone in that future, someone just for you, someone you're going to be happy with.

 

I was hanging out with a couple of my friends tonight and they convinced me to unfriend her on FB, block her on Snapchat and unfollow her on instagram which I did. It was hard to do because these were the last windows I could use to peek into and have her see my life. Hopefully this will help me to heal.

 

Another friend of mine randomly met someone who had worked with my ex today. He mentioned her and the conversation turned to us having been dating. Apparently this friend of hers told my buddy, unprinted mind you, that a few weeks prior to our break up (3-4 weeks) my ex had been raving to her about how she has such an amazing, wonderful boyfriend. She said when she saw her a few weeks after that she saw her again and when she asked how we were doing my ex casually told her "Oh we broke up." She also mentione, again unprinted, that apparently my ex is "impulsive" and that she seems pretty chill about a lot of things but that sometimes she acts without thinking.

 

Prior to our breakup my ex complained that she thought I didn't care about her career/studies because I hadn't come to see her perform before. I had been studying for some serious tests at the time and then went into a crazy busy rotation. We had a conversation 3 weeks before our break up during which I told her I didn't appreciate a text she had sent (she sent me a passive aggressive text that said I expect you to come to all my performances because my work/studies are equally important as yours ) Mind you I was studying for a life determining test and then I was on a rotation working 6 days a week 100 plus hours per week. I told her that if she has something that's bugging her about me that she should just be direct and tell me because being passive aggressive frustrates me and we are both adults and we knew what the implication of sending such a message was- which principally was that I didn't care about her which I resented. I went on to tell her how much I loved her and cared about her and asked her to text me a schedule of her performances so I could come watch. I told her I would come to as many as my schedule would allow, but that I'd make an effort. I even went to one of her performances after our break up just to show I cared. Sorry just needed to get that off my chest- hearing that from my friend tonight really made me anxious that all of this could have been avoided had I went to see her perform earlier. It just doesn't feel fair that I tried to apologize and rectify the situation plus I had forgiven her for much more serious stuff and then I get ****ed for messing up with her.

 

Then again maybe that didn't even play into it at all and I'm just over analyzing everything.

 

Tldr; completely cut the social media cord. Found out ex was talking about how much she adored me a few weeks before break up to an co-worker and then a few weeks later was talking nonchalantly about how we broke up. Co-worker said ex has impulsive tendencies. ****

[bluefeather]

I guess I didn't catch that you were still friends with her on social media. Cutting that is definitely a step in the right direction.

[codest]

I was hanging out with a couple of my friends tonight and they convinced me to unfriend her on FB, block her on Snapchat and unfollow her on instagram which I did. It was hard to do because these were the last windows I could use to peek into and have her see my life. Hopefully this will help me to heal.

 

Another friend of mine randomly met someone who had worked with my ex today. He mentioned her and the conversation turned to us having been dating. Apparently this friend of hers told my buddy, unprinted mind you, that a few weeks prior to our break up (3-4 weeks) my ex had been raving to her about how she has such an amazing, wonderful boyfriend. She said when she saw her a few weeks after that she saw her again and when she asked how we were doing my ex casually told her "Oh we broke up." She also mentione, again unprinted, that apparently my ex is "impulsive" and that she seems pretty chill about a lot of things but that sometimes she acts without thinking.

 

Prior to our breakup my ex complained that she thought I didn't care about her career/studies because I hadn't come to see her perform before. I had been studying for some serious tests at the time and then went into a crazy busy rotation. We had a conversation 3 weeks before our break up during which I told her I didn't appreciate a text she had sent (she sent me a passive aggressive text that said I expect you to come to all my performances because my work/studies are equally important as yours ) Mind you I was studying for a life determining test and then I was on a rotation working 6 days a week 100 plus hours per week. I told her that if she has something that's bugging her about me that she should just be direct and tell me because being passive aggressive frustrates me and we are both adults and we knew what the implication of sending such a message was- which principally was that I didn't care about her which I resented. I went on to tell her how much I loved her and cared about her and asked her to text me a schedule of her performances so I could come watch. I told her I would come to as many as my schedule would allow, but that I'd make an effort. I even went to one of her performances after our break up just to show I cared. Sorry just needed to get that off my chest- hearing that from my friend tonight really made me anxious that all of this could have been avoided had I went to see her perform earlier. It just doesn't feel fair that I tried to apologize and rectify the situation plus I had forgiven her for much more serious stuff and then I get ****ed for messing up with her.

 

Then again maybe that didn't even play into it at all and I'm just over analyzing everything.

 

Tldr; completely cut the social media cord. Found out ex was talking about how much she adored me a few weeks before break up to an co-worker and then a few weeks later was talking nonchalantly about how we broke up. Co-worker said ex has impulsive tendencies. ****

 

You feel like you’re still in love with her and you keep clinging on to the idea that she might be in love with you. Instead, you should be reminding yourself - is a woman whose heart can turn on a dime like that really worth pursuing? Even if you get her back, what sort of life would you two lead from now on? Most and foremost, you wouldn’t be able to trust her anymore, and, quite likely, she would break your heart again over something unexpected and/or insignificant.

 

Even a most wonderful relationship is bound to have bad times, and you need to be able to rely on your partner. In this case, you can’t. You may think that your love towards her could bring stability into the picture and help you make things work in the long run. Please don’t fool yourself; such a relationship was not meant to happen anyway.

 

That’s great that you severed the ties with her already; make sure you follow the “no contact” rule 100% from now on. Avoid any triggers, too. Get together with your best friend (or a family member), explain the situation to them and let them know that you will need their help for a while. Make sure to talk to them often, “cry on their shoulder” if you have to. Avoid seeking a magic pill, and give yourself some time to heal instead. That will take some time, and that's hard to understand at first, but there is no other way.

[la74219]

And continue posting here. We are here when you need help. Thank you everyone for the advice because it is helping me as well.

[la74219]

OP - when you guys ended the relationship, was it a peaceful breakup? For me, it was constant arguing for several months. There is a business connection (involving family) that keeps us from being completely no contact. So yesterday, I basically had to just suck it up and talk to her and try to put things behind us. We talked, and ended things peacefully with the agreement that eventually we can try to be friends again. I even told her that if she's happy with her new guy, then I'm happy for her and that he's a lucky guy. It sucked to have to say that, and obviously it still sucks for me...but for what it's worth...I felt like a man again haha. My self esteem and confidence had gone down so much that saying those things and ending on a positive note just made me feel so much better. It was like a weight off my shoulders. Do I still feel pain? Of course..and I'll have to deal with that on my own. I just chalk it up to...life.

 

I wouldn't recommend breaking no contact in your situation, but just wondering if things ended peacefully between you guys?

[BoopBoo]

OP - when you guys ended the relationship, was it a peaceful breakup? For me, it was constant arguing for several months. There is a business connection (involving family) that keeps us from being completely no contact. So yesterday, I basically had to just suck it up and talk to her and try to put things behind us. We talked, and ended things peacefully with the agreement that eventually we can try to be friends again. I even told her that if she's happy with her new guy, then I'm happy for her and that he's a lucky guy. It sucked to have to say that, and obviously it still sucks for me...but for what it's worth...I felt like a man again haha. My self esteem and confidence had gone down so much that saying those things and ending on a positive note just made me feel so much better. It was like a weight off my shoulders. Do I still feel pain? Of course..and I'll have to deal with that on my own. I just chalk it up to...life.

 

I wouldn't recommend breaking no contact in your situation, but just wondering if things ended peacefully between you guys?

 

I suppose it was peaceful insofar as the relationship ended with more of a whimper than a bang. Basically the first time we had the break up convo was on the weekend after I had just gotten off a 30 hour call at the hospital. I called her up and wanted to take her to brunch since things had been a little tense over the prior 2 weeks (no big arguments, just less warmth, less contact because of work etc..) just wanted to see her, catch up and cuddle up you know? I knew something was up when I called her because she sounded tense and said she didn't want to get brunch "because she was trying to be healthy" lol. She came over and when I went in to kiss her she turned her cheek to me. We went to my room and she sat on the bed and I laid down exhausted. She said she thought we should break up. I was totally tired and literally showed no emotion. I said "Great, I think we should break up too, I've been thinking about it too and glad we're on the same page." Before she left I sat her back down and asked if I had treated her poorly or made her feel bad. She said no. I asked her if she wanted to say anything and she said she didn't have anything else to say. I told her how much I enjoyed getting to know her and then gave her back the key to her house she had given me. I walked her to the door, gave her a hug told her we should stay friends and then she left.

 

I didn't feel anything for 15-20 minutes after, then my world came crashing down. I pulled out a dating app afterwards (guess I thought matching with someone would make me feel better- spoiler alert it didn't. Actually saw my wx's profile on bumble, guess she was already back in the game before we broke up- her profile picture was one I had taken while we were dating).

 

Next day patient died in the ICU as I was doing compressions on her. Lost my **** in a stairwell away from everyone else and ended up calling my ex. Left her a few voicemails telling her how I was shocked and humiliated when she came over the day before and that my reaction was me trying to save face- which it totally was. I told her I didn't want to look weak in front of her and that in reality I didn't want to break up, I love her very much and that I wanted to talk.

 

She called me back, was sweet and made a comment to me that "I was such a guy" for not telling her how I really felt. We met up a couple days later, I repeated what I had said. Told her I was sorry that I hadn't seen her perform and told her how much I wanted to be a part of her life, to support her, to love her and to be with her. I told her how wonderful I thought she was and how Wu thought we had a very special relationship with beautiful memories. We had great families, good friend groups, amazing physical chemistry and I thought she was the most beautiful woman in my eyes. As I stated before I kissed her that night, held her close and held her hands. After we just chatted casually and hung out for a little bit, I walked her to her car, gave her another kiss and she said she she needed to think about things and that we could meet on Thursday.

 

Thursday came, I had dressed myself up in anticipation of seeing her. I wore her favorite shirt on me. She never came. Instead I got a call. She said she didn't want to come over because she thought I would be easier. I told her I wish that she would have come over and that I would be easier, but only for her not for me. She said she was going to stick with her decision. I spent about 10 minutes talking with her trying to understand what was going on. I asked her if she had meant it when she said she loved me, she said yes, I asked her if she didn't love me anymore, she said "I didn't say that", I asked her if that meant she still loved me, she said "Yes". I asked her how she could still be in love with me and want to leave and she said "Just because people love each other doesn't mean they should be together and she didn't think I was the one." I told her that real love is rare and it shouldn't be so casually discarded. I told her I didn't understand but that I couldn't make her love me the way I loved her. I told her if this is what would make her happy then that was fine. I told her that I would always love her.

 

A few days later I went to see her perform. She was upset that I hadn't gone to see her play. I had said I would so I wanted to keep my word. We chatted afterward. I told her I wanted to be there for her to support her because I still cared about her and I knew there wasn't likely going to be anyone there to support her. She invited me to her final recital in FB that night. I never went at the advice of friends and family who thought I was getting played.

 

We saw each other at a college homecoming event after that week. She came over to talk with me briefly and we chatted. I played it cool but nice and we hugged and I said I'd see her around. Haven't spoken since that day. Went radio silent for a month. Started posting on SC after a month of NC, she watched every single one for a few weeks. Then she stopped watching altogether. I slipped and watched a couple of hers. I unfriended her, unfollowed her on SC and IG a couple days ago.

 

Tldr; Break up was peaceful in so far as nothing mean was said. I was respectful etc... I never raised my voice with her ever in our entire relationship or afterward. Never put her down. Never blamed her. Took responsibility on my end always for things I could have done better. Got blindsided. Pretended I didn't care. Came clean to her. Chased for a little then cut off contact. TBH I don't feel peace with how it ended- in some ways it feels worse than a fight. The opposite of love isn't anger or hate- it's apathy

[la74219]

Man I feel you. In my situation, I reacted harshly. I just let it all out man..I was so hurt. A lot of it was pain from unresolved childhood experiences that I took out on her so I apologized for just lashing out in anger. That went on for several months unfortunately. What really messed me up the most though is during those months, she kept going back and forth with me giving me hope. All the while dating other guys. Stupid me..I kept holding onto that hope. Finally over the weekend, I just realized I can't do this anymore. I can't keep grasping onto straws. She's told me the feelings aren't mutual, and I just need to accept that. Yeah we hugged it out and all yesterday, and agreed to be friends...but I'm just going to back off completely and let life run its course. Sometimes when you love someone man, you just have to be happy for them and let them go. What's meant to happen will happen. I know deep down that you know that as well. And I know it's much easier said than done though. Hang in there dude. We'll be alright.

[BoopBoo]

Hey everyone. Took a few days off the forums to focus on coping strategies. I was speaking with a counselor who I've been seeing that gave me a few good tools that seems like they've been helping me out so I thought I'd share for the benefit of everyone here. Hopefully these may be useful for you.

 

Context: specifically I have a major problem with intrusive thoughts- I often have thoughts about my ex that manifest without prompting that sets off a cascade of vivid memories in which I re-experience the times I had with my ex. Often I can "feel" her, "smell" the air, "see" her as if she was before me in my mind'a eye and hear the sounds of the memory sequence. This happens more commonly when something small that may be tangentially related to her or our relationship enters my mind. Ex: mention of Mardi Gras (when we said we loved each other) or certain instrumental music (she is a musician). These "flashbacks" are extraordinarily distressing, cause me great anxiety and can bring me to tears, render me speechless and leave me paralyzed.

 

Coping strategies: 1) When flashback gets triggered, imagine yourself taking the tape/DVD out of a TV player, boxing the memory up and putting it away in a box. This helps to immediately stop the intrusive thought and kill the memory cascade in its tracks. It can be a little tiring t do but if you do it often enough it becomes automatic and keeps the intrusive thoughts at bay.

2) Change your sensory stimuli. If you notice a flashback or memorycascade coming, grab something cold, or hot, or if a different texture to reorient you mind to the present reality and take you out of the past.

3) Write down what you are feeling anxious about when you start having memory flashbacks. Specifically physically write down what you are anxious about and then why you think you are anxious about it. Even if your thought about why you feel that way maybe off base. It gives you distance and perspective on the thought you are having.

 

These have been pretty helpful to me and I hope they are helpful to the members on this forum. Best wishes everyone!

[marie25]

Thanks for the update! Was wondering how it was going for you.

 

Your story reminded me a lot of my first (others followed w the same peroson...I won't get into it haha) breakup with my first deep love. We had lived together, been each other's family through hard times, and overall had this deep companionship that surpassed friendship and was more of the type of caretaking and unconditional love you feel for a family member (not to say it was like a family love haha, we definitely were in love w each other different than a sister or brother).

 

But alas, things happen. Long distance and immaturity and being very different people.

 

But i remember when we broke up, he had immediately started seeing another girl, so I was thrusted into the "letting go" period really quick. This meant not eating, not being able to sleep, crying in the middle of an organic chemistry lecture, you name it. Every day of not talking was a victory. Anything would remind me of him or the new girl he was seeing and likely undressing for the first time and going through the honeymoon phase etc etc. It was a lot.

 

But then something clicked in me that made me realize that my life is about me and my happiness, and I had spent all this time thinking of him that I forgot the one most important: myself. Sounds simple but was profound, and this realization process is different for everyone.

 

Please take care. It helps when you exercise and all of that but especially bringing joy back into your life somehow. Book, sport, anything. Something to look forward to when waking up.

 

Best of luck.

[DontBreakEven]

It's also like I don't even want to feel better because it involves letting go. And I don't want to have to let go. But I want to stop feeling this way. I don't even know how to let go.

 

Seriously, how do I let go?

 

This is a very interesting thing you talk about here. This has happened to me a few times in my life. I would cry out that I just wanted the pain to stop and to no longer be in love with this person, but then I would also on the flip side be saying that I don't want to let go and stop loving this person either (even though I was in such pain because in reality I had nothing to attach this love to anymore). I didn't want to let go because that meant that I was no longer in love, and I wanted so much to be in love.

 

Honestly, the answer is to hold on simply until you don't care to anymore. You can't force it. Each time I went through this with strict NC, it took roughly 5 months before I finally naturally let go because I was just downright over holding onto nothing. I guess for me that's the time it took for my psyche to accept that it was really nothing I was grasping.

[BoopBoo]

Thanks for the update! Was wondering how it was going for you.

 

Your story reminded me a lot of my first (others followed w the same peroson...I won't get into it haha) breakup with my first deep love. We had lived together, been each other's family through hard times, and overall had this deep companionship that surpassed friendship and was more of the type of caretaking and unconditional love you feel for a family member (not to say it was like a family love haha, we definitely were in love w each other different than a sister or brother).

 

But alas, things happen. Long distance and immaturity and being very different people.

 

But i remember when we broke up, he had immediately started seeing another girl, so I was thrusted into the "letting go" period really quick. This meant not eating, not being able to sleep, crying in the middle of an organic chemistry lecture, you name it. Every day of not talking was a victory. Anything would remind me of him or the new girl he was seeing and likely undressing for the first time and going through the honeymoon phase etc etc. It was a lot.

 

But then something clicked in me that made me realize that my life is about me and my happiness, and I had spent all this time thinking of him that I forgot the one most important: myself. Sounds simple but was profound, and this realization process is different for everyone.

 

Please take care. It helps when you exercise and all of that but especially bringing joy back into your life somehow. Book, sport, anything. Something to look forward to when waking up.

 

Best of luck.

 

Yeah I can totally relate! Haha, that's why cutting out the social media bit I think has ended up being a good thing for me. The less I see her or things that remind me of her, the less likely I am to think up nightmare scenarios with which to torture myself (thinking about her with someone else, questioning her feelings for me during the relationship, triggering what were once happy but now painful memories etc...).

 

To your point about focusing on my happiness, I definitely think it's a good thing to practice self care and kindness to oneself. I think part of the reason why I took this breakup so hard is that in my mind a lot of the hard work I was putting in to my job wasn't only for me, but also ultimately for her. I figured if I just put my head down and pushed through the tough **** I was going through it would put me in a place where I can better control the outcome of my future career. I thought about my successes also in terms of what they would ultimately let me do to make her happy, to give her everything she could ever want (materially at least/to never want for anything) and to set myself up for a good lifestyle much further down the road. That's partially why it was so crushing when she ditched me; I thought I had years worth of time to make up for the time I had to put in to my work and all those dreams I had where I could provide her with a wonderful life were extinguished as well.

 

I'm no saint and I've put myself before others many times in my life, but generally speaking I try to do good for other people, especially for those I love and care about. In relationships I often put the other person's happiness ahead of my own, because making that person happy makes me happy. I love making another person feel loved if that makes sense.

 

I'm trying to refocus a little bit more on myself. As I've mentioned I'm dating someone new- have been for a few weeks now. She's a great girl and we have a good time hanging out. To be 100 percent honest though I'm keeping her a little bit at arm's length emotionally because I'm just not ready to fully dive into a serious relationship with someone after this last debacle. I'm very different in this current situation because of what happened to me last time and it literally has nothing to do with her. Not sure what anyone has to say about that, but I'll say this- I will never, ever tell someone I love them or get really invested emotionally just to pull the rug out from under them.