elaine567 Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 OK so are you still on the trial separation? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lavendergirl Posted May 20, 2017 Author Share Posted May 20, 2017 (edited) OK so are you still on the trial separation? Yes! We are still living apart but things have been going well. We are seeing eachother, communicating better, hes not as distant. BUT yes! I want to just trust that he's doing the right thing... because ultimately I can't control it, right? If something funky is going to happen, its going to happen. He didn't have to say anything. He wants more "freedom" and "trust" in our relationship. I have heard of these relationships that are fine with their spouses going out with the opposite sex... or just trusting 100% and I think that's great. I would like to be there. Its just weird right now because we are still living apart. Edited May 20, 2017 by lavendergirl Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 In a committed relationship, stuff like personal ' freedom' and dining out alone with an opposite sex person doesnt go well. If at all, it has to be same rules and freedom for both involved.Again, even then it's asking for destruction. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 It is just a bit concerning to me that he thinks the trial separation is going so well that he wishes to extend it and he is also talking about "freedom". Now, he is telling you he is out dining with another woman... Be careful here, make doubly sure you are well prepared for divorce is my advice. YOU do not want to be all trusting, nice and pleasant, to find he was seeing someone else all along and this separation to sort out his head, is just a sham. Do some investigating of your own, or hire a PI if you can afford it. Link to post Share on other sites
avvril3000 Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 My husband confessed that he went to dinner with a woman the other night. I don't know the woman, only know OF her. He said he was supposed to go with 3 people but one person backed out last minute he didn't realize this until he was there. He told me 2 days after he went. I have a history of jealousy (for no reason, he has never cheated or even flirted with the idea). But he said he was afraid to tell me because of how I would react. He said it was completely innocent, if it had felt like a date he would have left. It was casual and that she knows that he's married. He stressed that it was all just kind of a misunderstanding because the third person backed out... so it would have been weird to be like "ok, well lets not do this..." since they were there. He said he was really sorry that he didn't tell me. He said he's never gone out this person before and doesn't plan on doing it again without other people around. I should also say she he is a genuine person, he knows right from wrong... so that's why I want to trust him on this. And I am for the most part but the fact that he waited to tell me stings. A guy and a girl can be just friends. I know this. EASE MY MIND, people. Tell me it's all ok and that trust is the most important thing in a relationship. It is TOTALLY ok and healthy for a man to have women friends. If my man went to dinner with another woman, just him and her, i would be ok with it. In fact, he has. i trust him completely and as i also have male friends and wanna hang with them sometimes, i respect that he should also have women friends. and while i'm not a jealous person, its not in my control if he cheats or not. if he decides to cheat, then he is the wrong person for me and i will end it. he also knows that i dont give a second chance to cheating but i will give him the freedom of doing what he wants and if he has female friends, then thats great! not all women have to be lovers. or should be lovers. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 To me, the fact that you're separated may be an issue here. I don't know your back story. Has he cheated on you before? I'm a single woman and I don't have either lunch or dinner alone with a married man. This includes business lunches. I also won't ride alone in the car with a married man. Or have a meeting in an office with the door closed with a married man. That said, the fact that he told you about it is a good sign imo. But why not establish clear boundaries about the situation so that it never comes up again? Even in the situation he was in, had he figured out a plan beforehand clearly in his mind he could have said to her when the other person didn't show up, "Oh, I'll just give my wife a call and see if she can join us so we'll still have three for dinner." Or even, "My wife and I have an understanding that we never dine with a member of the opposite sex alone. Let's take a rain check on this." Yes, it may be unusual but for me, it would be worth it to put boundaries around the most important relationship in my life! Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 To me, the fact that you're separated may be an issue here. I don't know your back story. Has he cheated on you before? I'm a single woman and I don't have either lunch or dinner alone with a married man. This includes business lunches. I also won't ride alone in the car with a married man. Or have a meeting in an office with the door closed with a married man. That said, the fact that he told you about it is a good sign imo. But why not establish clear boundaries about the situation so that it never comes up again? Even in the situation he was in, had he figured out a plan beforehand clearly in his mind he could have said to her when the other person didn't show up, "Oh, I'll just give my wife a call and see if she can join us so we'll still have three for dinner." Or even, "My wife and I have an understanding that we never dine with a member of the opposite sex alone. Let's take a rain check on this." Yes, it may be unusual but for me, it would be worth it to put boundaries around the most important relationship in my life! So what do you do if someone at work wants to talk to you about your job and they are married? You won't have a meeting with him with the door closed? I think that is extreme and presumptuous in thinking that every married man wants to get into your pants. This sounds like career suicide, no? OP, I read your back story. I did not realize your husband asked for a separation or that you were 28. While I don't change my original opinion that men and women can be friends and have a lunch or dinner together, especially if there is a business interest, I wrote that thinking that you were a typical married couple. I've been married 10 years and am older than you. You only separate to think about whether or not you want to divorce and going to dinner with women during this time, it's not a good sign. Who moved out? If it was you, I would move right back in tonight! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 I thought it sounded fine until I read the part about you two being separated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 My husband confessed that he went to dinner with a woman the other night. I don't know the woman, only know OF her. He said he was supposed to go with 3 people but one person backed out last minute he didn't realize this until he was there. He told me 2 days after he went. I have a history of jealousy (for no reason, he has never cheated or even flirted with the idea). But he said he was afraid to tell me because of how I would react. He said it was completely innocent, if it had felt like a date he would have left. It was casual and that she knows that he's married. He stressed that it was all just kind of a misunderstanding because the third person backed out... so it would have been weird to be like "ok, well lets not do this..." since they were there. He said he was really sorry that he didn't tell me. He said he's never gone out this person before and doesn't plan on doing it again without other people around. I should also say she he is a genuine person, he knows right from wrong...so that's why I want to trust him on this. And I am for the most part but the fact that he waited to tell me stings. A guy and a girl can be just friends. I know this. EASE MY MIND, people. Tell me it's all ok and that trust is the most important thing in a relationship. How do you know these things (underlined) lavendergirl? The two of you are separated? Why do you think he is being faithful to you? If your gut is telling you something is off, it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 Since your husband is the one who initiated the "separation", I'd say that he's probably playing you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted May 21, 2017 Share Posted May 21, 2017 (edited) So what do you do if someone at work wants to talk to you about your job and they are married? When someone comes to my place of business I can talk with them anywhere in the building I choose. You won't have a meeting with him with the door closed? Right. I think that is extreme and presumptuous in thinking that every married man wants to get into your pants. I didn't say I think every married man wants to get in my pants. This sounds like career suicide, no? It hasn't worked that way for me. Edited May 21, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted May 21, 2017 Share Posted May 21, 2017 I've known many people, enough to realize that everyone is different, and things that work for one, don't work for the other, ect... So no one can't tell you what would become of your weird situation. I would never agree to this kind of situation. A healthy trial separation can last a few days, maybe a little more. Another kind of a trial separation i can see is for 3-5 years or more, in which both sides can experience other relationships, and then come back to each other as a new relationship between old friends. To be sharp and clear. If he meets another girl (even platonic at this stage), your out! If he isn't, he will want you back. The fact that he is a good and honest guy, only drags it, because he experiences the outside world very slowly. He's going to experience in 6 month what other could make in only 1 month. Have no doubt - He is going to look for other girls (I'm not saying necessarily for sex), and to try to see if at least one of them makes him feel excited and thrilled. Only then he will get his perspective. He is just to scared to admit it. Link to post Share on other sites
LifeNomad Posted May 24, 2017 Share Posted May 24, 2017 I did, and social media. Nothing funky going on anywhere. I trust him when he says theres no one else. At first I didn't but I am going to for the sake of my sanity. I assume if theres another woman that it'll come out eventually. There's no point in me questioning constantly, worrying myself, and putting an even bigger wedge between us right now. sadly checking phone bill is mostly a thing of the past as there are a whole bunch of apps to message, get a phone number to text and call for free, even hide apps within the phone so you would never know they exist. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted May 24, 2017 Share Posted May 24, 2017 You can't work on a marriage while you're apart. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gbatt Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 (edited) I am a survivor of separation. Wife and I were married for 9 years, separated for a year (complete with our own homes, shared custody, the whole 9 yards) and have been back together for 2 years. We both dated other people, experienced life with the family split up (two little girls) and decided that we'd rather be together. It was a lot of work and both had to take a long look at ourselves. At the end of the day, for us life is much better together than apart. It happens. My only piece of advice is to focus on changing yourself more than on changing your partner. P.S. The <1% statistic is not accurate. Edited May 25, 2017 by gbatt Link to post Share on other sites
Author lavendergirl Posted June 20, 2017 Author Share Posted June 20, 2017 I'm embarrassed to even say this... I thought things were going well in our "trial separation". We were living apart, we would get dinner every once in a while, went to the movies sometimes, essentially dating each other, were still intimate, I thought "I can do this for another 4 months" (we decided on 6 months separation). But he recently told me he wants to be completely unattached. He wants to be able to make decisions completely on his own without having me in the back of his head. Again, we have been together since we were 12/13 so i completely undersatnd that he wants to go out and explore, see what he wants but it doesnt take away from the hurt of it all. It doesnt take away from the fact that he decided to marry me. Maybe he felt like it was the "right thing to do" I dont know. BUT regardless, he said, "we can get divorced, or we don't have to... maybe this will lead me to realizing I love you and want to be with you but I don't want to stay with you and not be 100% in it." basically he wants to be able to make a confident decision about wanting to be with me and he feels like he cant do that while hes still committed. He said we would establish "check points" and discuss where we were. BUT along with this "separation" comes the fact that we can both date other people. I want to be mad. I am mad. But also, I understand because I do love him, he's my best friend (Sorry for the cheesefest) and I'm a compassionate person. BUT I have also been in this relationship that long and I don't have a need to be with other people and explore. (sidenote: he claims this isn't about seeing other people, its just about being his own person because he hasn't been his own person in his teen or adult life) So I have a lot of decisions to make: Will i stay married to someone who wants to be completely unattached during this exploration period? Part of me thinks I should wait it out because ultimately I DO want it to work out. Do I talk to him during this time or cut off communication? Does cutting off communication even help? I just have so many things to consider I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 (sidenote: he claims this isn't about seeing other people, its just about being his own person because he hasn't been his own person in his teen or adult life) Rubbish. It is totally about seeing other people. He is seeing someone already, and wants your "permission". He wants you to be his fallback option, his plan B, his backup. Are you really happy to remain married to him while he swans off with other women, and then if they don't work out, he can just call good old Mrs. Reliable and you'll take him back with open arms? If I were you I'd tell him where to stick it. Then file for divorce. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 Rubbish. It is totally about seeing other people. He is seeing someone already, and wants your "permission". He wants you to be his fallback option, his plan B, his backup. Are you really happy to remain married to him while he swans off with other women, and then if they don't work out, he can just call good old Mrs. Reliable and you'll take him back with open arms? If I were you I'd tell him where to stick it. Then file for divorce. Yes PNP is totally correct... He is playing you and you are being Naïve. THIS IS THE REASON THAT WE ALL SAID THAT TRIAL SEPERATIONS DO NOT WORK. Time to file for divorce... Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 At some point, you need to establish boundaries. Right now, you're letting him do whatever he wants in the hope that he wakes up and realizes it's you he wants. You're doing exactly what a lot of people advise men not to do when their wives step out on them. You think you're showing compassion and understanding for him, but all you're really doing is reiterating that this is a relationship where the power is not at all balanced. He calls the shots, and so long as he can hang over your head the prospect of leaving the marriage, you permit him to "explore," which is just a diplomatic way of saying, "try to bang women other than his wife." Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 BUT along with this "separation" comes the fact that we can both date other people. I want to be mad. I am mad. But also, I understand because I do love him, he's my best friend (Sorry for the cheesefest) and I'm a compassionate person. BUT I have also been in this relationship that long and I don't have a need to be with other people and explore. (sidenote: he claims this isn't about seeing other people, its just about being his own person because he hasn't been his own person in his teen or adult life) Forget about loving him and him being your "best friend" because he doesn't feel the same and it is about time you realised that this is over. Yes, you are now his "best" friend ie friend with benefits, but that is not really the same thing is it? It is now the time to say "no more" and like I told you 7 weeks ago, you need to get your ducks in a row and prepare for divorce here. He is on his way out and every update is telling you he is moving further away. He is a big coward, he could have told you weeks ago he wanted to date others as that was his intention all along. Do not sit around and be his plan B, because he will string you along and use and abuse you and once he finds some other "better" woman, (if he hasn't already done so) or he develops a taste for sleeping around, you will be tossed to the side. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lavendergirl Posted June 20, 2017 Author Share Posted June 20, 2017 Youre all right. It's just easier said than done. I'm going through the stages of grieving already. I can't find the courage to pull the plug yet. Although he already has, technically. It's been a week since "this talk" and I'm just really struggling with it in all ways. I'm a big ball of emotion and I'm sure some of you have been through it or seen it all before. I'm finding it hard to get out of bed let alone call and tell him I want to officially sign the papers. It's coming though. I guess it'll take a little time. I appreciate all of the responses. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 Youre all right. It's just easier said than done. I'm going through the stages of grieving already. I can't find the courage to pull the plug yet. Although he already has, technically. It's been a week since "this talk" and I'm just really struggling with it in all ways. I'm a big ball of emotion and I'm sure some of you have been through it or seen it all before. I'm finding it hard to get out of bed let alone call and tell him I want to officially sign the papers. It's coming though. I guess it'll take a little time. I appreciate all of the responses. Listen, I know it hurts... But when I figured out for sure that my wife did not love me, I cried for two straight weekends. I could keep it together during the week because of work, but not on the weekends. And I loved that woman so much, I put up with more than any man should, like you have, but when I reached that point an finally understood what was up, I was done. You will be there too. Just be glad that it is not 26 years and you have time to start a new life... Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 call and tell him I want to officially sign the papers You don't have to call him, or tell him. You just see a lawyer and file. The myth perpetuated by TV and movies that you need permission, co-operation or even a signature of your spouse in order to get a divorce, is totally untrue. You need none of those things. You just see a lawyer and file. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 He used "trial separation" to ease you into a divorce because he knew how this would hurt you and he wanted you used to the idea in order to minimize drama and bother. Give him what he wants. A nice, amicable, divorce with as little contact between you as possible. By the way, only about 7% of extramarital affairs are discovered. Considering the circumstances, I'd bet money he's either had an affair or he had his AP picked out around the time he asked for separation. Really, the things he's said and how he's gone about this is so cliche it's pitiful. They ALL say it's not about other people...until you find out they're seeing someone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Globug Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 Falling completely in love with someone, giving your heart up is the biggest sacrifice there is because yes you can be played, hurt, devastated but you can also have the greatest joy from it as well. It just comes with part of the territory . It sounds like your DH is coming to an early mid-life crisis & because you have been together so long & he does love and care about you he almost wants your permission to go sew his wild oats. Do not give him that. Do not give him anger, do not give him threats but also do not give him the green light. It is ok for you to say: "I am not ok with that arrangement. You are my husband. I love you and I cannot agree with that. For me there would be no coming back from that type of betrayal." Then let him do what he will. I know that is hard but you cannot control his choices anyway but you do not have to absolve him of guilt because he made those vows to you. I really love this article, of course this woman never knew if her husband cheated or not but I love where she said "“What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?” https://affairadvice.wordpress.com/2013/06/14/one-approach-to-responding-to-i-dont-love-you-anymore-and-i-want-to-move-out/ I am sorry you are going through this pain. :-( Link to post Share on other sites
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