Guys with retroactive jealousy: would you care about this?

[aerie]

I've been abstinent for a long time because I was assaulted by a co-worker, and also had a bad experience, and it made me realize I need to be much more careful. Now that I'm ready for a relationship, I'm wondering if my past will be likely to bother guys who are prone to RJ. I'm almost 30, and I've had sex with 3 guys total.

 

It seems like guys with retroactive jealousy care way more about hookups a girl has had than relationships. I had one hookup, and it was really messed up and traumatizing for me. After my first two sexual choices being good ones, I became overconfident in my ability to choose. I was also in an accident, and suffered some temporary brain swelling afterwards. I wasn't thinking clearly, and my best friends said they noticed personality changes right after. I seem to be back to normal now, I'm getting As in engineering classes, and a brain MRI showed no permanent damage. It's been years since then.

 

When I was having the health issues I became anxious about finding a man that I would actually like, who would be willing to deal with me in my state (I didn't know if the health problems would go away or not). I met this guy online, and he was really set on finding a woman to marry. He seemed nice and docile, harmless enough. I was lonely and decided to hook up. I completely dissociated the whole time. It was like an out of body experience. I was numb, couldn't recall any feelings from it right after, and the only thing I was thinking during it was praying it would be over soon in the moments I wasn't pretending it wasn't happening.

 

The guy turned out to be psycho. It turns out he wanted to get me pregnant without me knowing or discussing it first, and he didn't know me at all. (simple conversations with someone you've just met doesn't mean you know them at all)

 

Afterwards he was set on buying me plane tickets to visit him when he travelled for work (he was pretty rich), and kept asking what he has to do to for us to get married, and disturbingly texting me about getting me pregnant and, when he got angry about me rejecting him: some aggressive things/lewd pictures, until I blocked him. Before I blocked him he begged me to wait for him to get back from overseas for work. He also tried to contact me again after he got back months later. I never saw him in person again after our first meeting because I knew he was crazy.

 

So much was wrong with it: I had all those medical issues and had skewed judgement, I dissociated the whole time, and how he turned out to be psycho. The only good thing is he was gentle, and not pushy about getting sex like so many other guys are. (I had a messed up home life, and thus I've been attracted to more effeminate guys my whole life since I figured they would be less likely to hurt me in any way.) I think he could tell I was completely dissociated because one thing I remember is he couldn't even keep it hard, which helped in blocking the whole thing out.

 

I feel like I can't deal with this event in my past, so I can't see how any guy could. Part of me wants to omit it completely, because I'm guessing most men wouldn't want to know about it, and it seems unfair to me that it happened while I had a brain injury. I'm willing to face the things I've done while my brain was in working order, because I was able to make sure I only did things I would be able to live with, but not this.

 

So my question is: for guys prone to RJ who get worked up about a woman's past hookups, would this be a big red flag? Something you'd never want to hear about in a girl's sexual history?

[road]

To be 30 and your number of 3 is no way and never will be a high

number.

 

Your past is rather normal and there is no need to discuss your

past with any future man you will date.

[basil67]

Wow, you've made a lot of progress. Well done you.

 

My advice is going to be way different than what you're asking, but I'm giving it because you said that you need to make better choices in men. If a person shows they have retroactive jealousy, don't date them. It doesn't mean that they care about us, it means they are insecure in themselves. And in their quest for peace, they can do so much damage to our own sense of self because they are likely to make us feel bad about our previous choices or blame us. Or just generally carry on stupidly about something in the past which cannot be changed anyway. Honestly, they are a pain in the rear end to deal with.

 

Instead of asking what a guy with RJ might think, ask how to spot one and avoid him.

 

On a different topic, I can understand that this situation caused you much trauma. But I'm not sure why you think it would bother a potential new boyfriend. While this situation is nothing to be ashamed of, you don't have to disclose it if you don't want to.

 

I would highly suggest doing counselling so that you can work towards bringing yourself peace over the matter. Do that before you start dating.

[ExpatInItaly]

Wow, you've made a lot of progress. Well done you.

 

My advice is going to be way different than what you're asking, but I'm giving it because you said that you need to make better choices in men. If a person shows they have retroactive jealousy, don't date them. It doesn't mean that they care about us, it means they are insecure in themselves. And in their quest for peace, they can do so much damage to our own sense of self because they are likely to make us feel bad about our previous choices or blame us. Or just generally carry on stupidly about something in the past which cannot be changed anyway. Honestly, they are a pain in the rear end to deal with.

 

Instead of asking what a guy with RJ might think, ask how to spot one and avoid him.

 

On a different topic, I can understand that this situation caused you much trauma. But I'm not sure why you think it would bother a potential new boyfriend. While this situation is nothing to be ashamed of, you don't have to disclose it if you don't want to.

 

I would highly suggest doing counselling so that you can work towards bringing yourself peace over the matter. Do that before you start dating.

 

100% agree.

 

My ex was like this and it was awful to deal with. If I ever got a whiff of that with another man, I would be gone. Period.

[frigginlost]

As a guy:

 

All guys have RJ to some extent. It's hard wired in us. We don't like the fact that another dude before us had/has a bond with you, but most guys take it as a fact of life. Guys with serious RJ issues are going to find a reason to be jealous of anything.

 

In short, nothing you posted would cause a red flag with a normal guy.

[preraph]

I agree with Basil. Retroactive jealousy means they have a red flag type problem. I mean, if you can be jealous of someone's past before you knew them, you are a problem and way too insecure and going to be not fun to be together with. So rather than worry if they worry, just don't date anyone who shows signs of that or even asks your sexual history. It's none of their business. Wait until you have been dating for months and the relationship is solid before even talking about the assault so they don't start making that their excuse for everything you don't get along with them on.

[aerie]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

 

I guess from reading online forums, and even hearing guys in person talk about how if a girl has slept with someone they know, that's an automatic deal breaker, I assumed RJ was a very common thing. From my experience it seems like a very big deal to guys. Like hearing about a hook up could block a guy's love for you. I keep imagining telling a guy I hooked up with someone who's kind of psycho, and him getting disgusted with me, and treating me poorly after.

 

I also tend to attract the guys who expect me to have a very chaste sexual history because of how I act. I guess I act naive and inexperienced.

 

I'm wondering if one of the guys who actually started a retroactive jealousy thread replied here, he would say something different. And if it would be right of me to omit this from my history until I know a guy really well. I know of plenty of misogynistic men at my college who would call me a "lying skank" for that. But I think I have my reasons and don't want to be chastised for one incident, also am not sure a guy would WANT me to tell him about it.

[viatori patuit]

Clearly people who have posted so far don't or haven't suffered from RJ.

 

It sucks. Who wants to be tormented by things that don't matter and are beyond ones control? To put it bluntly, do you think sufferers want to be afflicted?

 

And the callous advice - avoid people with that condition. Imagine if we posted something so general about women. I suspect we would be skewered fairly quickly (and rightfully so).

 

For the OP, I cannot imagine someone who suffers from RJ getting uptight about three people. I suffer from moderate RJ and I would laugh if you asked me about that. I think the RJ tipping point is when a girl has slept with more guys than the guy has slept with girls.

 

Everyone suffers from some sort of interpersonal issue. It just the nature of dating. The question is not what condition they have so much as can communication be open and honest. If it can then there is no reason the relationship cannot work.

[road]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

 

I guess from reading online forums, and even hearing guys in person talk about how if a girl has slept with someone they know, that's an automatic deal breaker

 

This is totally different from what you originally asked about.

 

It is one thing to have a past.

 

Though when that past includes his friend, a guy he works with, went to

school with, hung out with, then that will cause problems.

 

Problems will not be that a woman has a past but the problem is that

he knows the person that you dated before him.

 

The only way to top that problem is when the woman dated someone

that the new man cannot stand. Or just hates on so many levels.

[preraph]

Aerie, I've never had a guy who was retroactive jealous because I only dated confident guys who weren't worried if they measure up or ones that equate history with whether someone will cheat. It's normal to have a history. It's not normal for a guy to get all up in your business about it. That's his flaw insecurity or his double standard.

 

Sometimes people who have explored a lot are the ones who are most ready to settle down once it's time.

[act00]

I'm going to agree with folks here, you are under no obligation to spill any details of any of your past relationships, good or bad. It's a slippery slope to ask about it, and if a guy wants that much detail, it's best to move away from him. You don't need the drama, and if he gets uptight because you bumped uglies a few times before him with other men, that's just the tip of the iceburg on his behavior. Move on. Red flag. By the time we hit 30 (younger), a majority of us have "done the deed." There is no mystery there. Some of us have had children, so do the math.

 

As it pertains to an assault, this carries "baggage," and it's probably something that needs to be shared, as there can be triggers. As far as getting involved with a psycho? Who hasn't? No details need to come up, but maybe when you've been going out long enough, you can share a little more. Less is more. My ex-husband was abusive, and it's not necessarily something I want to put out there, and it's only because I don't want the guy thinking I carry serious emotional baggage over it. The reality is, I haven't gotten involved in a serious relationship, so I don't know if something is going to creep up, but I think I'm over it, and I won't be crazy, irrational.

 

You suffered a head injury, and that can be shared. The change in personality and the healing that occurred can be shared with in bits and pieces as you know each other more and better.

 

The baggage is there. We all have some.

 

If the topic comes up, and again, you don't need to toss in every detail, you can express you haven't always made the best choices with relationships, but it's not like you knew in advance things would hit the skids. Men have gotten themselves involved in some crazy too, and you'll hear about some of them.

 

When I was in my 20s, I learned "don't ask, don't tell." Admittedly, I got myself all jealous, crazy over past relationships and certain details that were really unnecessary to know and likewise caused problems, and worse, I asked, or got involved in "truth" drinking games (alcohol did not help matters). Just don't ask. I had someone ask me when was the last time I had sex, and I responded with, "How is this relevant? I don't think this is necessary information." We'd gone out about 4 times in 2 weeks, so still very new and certain details are irrelevant and other details come out with time as a relationship grows. I have two kids, so I've "done it."

 

You'll be fine. It really is a bad idea to share every tiny detail. You'll gloss over a lot of it, and share more as you get to know each other more.

[fromheart]

Select healthy partners who don't get jealous about the past. Problem solved.

[PegNosePete]

I'm wondering if my past will be likely to bother guys who are prone to RJ.

Probably. But then any kind of past will bother guys who have RJ.

 

Why on earth are you worrying about a hypothetical situation which would only occur if you made bad choices in partners? It's kind of like asking if you buy an unreliable car then what can you do to avoid getting stranded? Well the simplest way is to not buy an unreliable car in the first place.

 

Simply, choose a good partner and it will never be a problem.

[whatnot]

I'm not real sure what retroactive jealousy is. Maybe I have it, maybe I don't. What I do know is that if a girl goes on about past relationships, it just tells me she's not over them yet. And that gets annoying and boring.

 

As far as the OP goes....What you described....why would any man be jealous of that guy? Or...think less of you? Nothing bad here.

 

My dad told me once, "Son, no body wants to hear about your dirty laundry". I appreciated that little tid bit of advice.

Edited May 4, 2017 by whatnot

[big dog]

Depending on the individual and how bad his RJ is, it could be a problem. It only takes one sometimes to be a problem. The idea would be to find someone that you're sure doesn't suffer from RJ to start with. But first you need to get over the trauma of your past yourself. If you don't, it will haunt you from now on and cause problems of some kind sooner or later.

[knabe]

[quoteIf a person shows they have retroactive jealousy, don't date them. It doesn't mean that they care about us, it means they are insecure in themselves. And in their quest for peace, they can do so much damage to our own sense of self because they are likely to make us feel bad about our previous choices or blame us. Or just generally carry on stupidly about something in the past which cannot be changed anyway. Honestly, they are a pain in the rear end to deal with.

]

 

I have lived nearly 50 years and have accumulated a lot of wisdom I hope. This quote is exactly, unequivocally correct. A healthy and grown man will not have a problem with your past, OP, especially the part over which you had no say.

 

You do you, and a man who deserves you will be just fine.

[Miss Peach]

Unless you're looking for the type of man who wants to only marry a virgin then I don't think you'll have a problem. Your past sounds pretty normal.

[SmartDude]

I am going to agree with others here on the more important issue:

 

Retroactive Jealousy is not a normal condition.

It is common in people with personality disorders.

Not everyone who has retroactive jealousy has a personality disorder.

[fieldoflavender]

The past does matter. Details may not - but for some people, it's about values. If someone doesn't like that their partner has slept around casually without being in a relationship and that is important to them, then the past does matter.

 

People don't just get a blank slate and do whatever they choose with it. I think it's important for people to find someone who is compatible with them. If that is important to the partner, and it's not important to you - maybe you guys aren't a great fit. It doesn't mean anyone is wrong.

 

The idea that if someone "loves you" then they should never care about your past choices doesn't make sense either. You are your past, present, and future choices. It doesn't just go away if someone "loves you". How much the person cares about you and how much they are willing to overcome it is on them - but it makes zero sense to force people to be okay with anything from someone's past.

[knabe]

The past does matter. Details may not - but for some people, it's about values. If someone doesn't like that their partner has slept around casually without being in a relationship and that is important to them, then the past does matter.

 

People don't just get a blank slate and do whatever they choose with it. I think it's important for people to find someone who is compatible with them. If that is important to the partner, and it's not important to you - maybe you guys aren't a great fit. It doesn't mean anyone is wrong.

 

The idea that if someone "loves you" then they should never care about your past choices doesn't make sense either. You are your past, present, and future choices. It doesn't just go away if someone "loves you". How much the person cares about you and how much they are willing to overcome it is on them - but it makes zero sense to force people to be okay with anything from someone's past.

 

As long as you hold yourself to the smae standard, I see no problem. But when one wants a virgin, or close to it, but THEY have had multiple partners, it's hypocrisy. Plain and simple. And if one dismisses that as "it's different for men; women should be purer," it's hypocrisy AND misogyny...and believe me, I do NOT use the M word lightly. In fact, I almost never use it because I think most women use it to try to lend credibility to their whining.

[fieldoflavender]

yeah double standard doesn't make sense. But if someone knows what they are looking for and someone misled them into thinking that is what they had, and then tries to play the whole "if you loved me you wouldn't care" card, then no it's not really okay.

[knabe]

yeah double standard doesn't make sense. But if someone knows what they are looking for and someone misled them into thinking that is what they had, and then tries to play the whole "if you loved me you wouldn't care" card, then no it's not really okay.

 

Then it's a good thing the OP's story is nothing like that. So while it's an interesting hypothetical, it is not relevant to HER particular question.